Jack's Sports Humor

On Hiatus

2008-06-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

After his dramatic, injury-plagued victory at the U.S. Open today, Tiger Woods remarked, "I think I need to shut it down for a little bit." The same goes for Jack's Sports Humor, which will now be suspended indefinitely. The comparisons pretty much end there, as the blog does not have 14 majors, a hot Swedish wife, and hundreds of millions of dollars. But I do own a red shirt. Thanks for reading!

Magic vs. Bird: A Breakdown

2008-06-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

The much-anticipated NBA Finals begin in Boston this Thursday. The host Celtics have been led all season by Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen, while the visiting Los Angeles Lakers feature their own “Big Three” in MVP Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and Lamar Odom.

Stars were also abundant when these franchises squared off in the 1984, 1985, and 1987 finals. Those series featured stalwarts like Kareem Abdul-Jabaar, Kevin McHale, James Worthy, and Robert Parish. However, revisionist history pretty much boils down those showdowns as “Magic vs. Bird.” Earvin and Larry have long since retired and secured their places in the Basketball Hall of Fame. Still, I’m using a “Magic vs. Bird” analysis to forecast this series. Here’s a breakdown.

NBA Teams: The Magic won their first-round series, but the Birds (Hawks) did not. Advantage: Magic

Burgess Meredith: He starred in a 1978 film entitled Magic. But he’s identified with birds – as The Penguin as well as Mickey, who screamed at Rocky to chase after a chicken. Advantage: Bird

Kids’ Birthday Parties: Performing magic is acceptable. Flipping the bird is not. Advantage: Magic

Weed-Smoking Songs: Puff, the Magic Dragon fits the bill, but millions of stoners shout for FREE BIRD!!!!! Advantage: Bird

First Ladies: We’ve had Lady Bird Johnson, but no presidential wives named Magic. Don’t try to sell me on Eleanor Magic Roosevelt – I’m not falling for that again. Advantage: Bird

Cheesy Pick-Up Lines: “I’ve got a Larry Bird” makes way less sense than “I’ve got a Magic Johnson.” Advantage: Magic

Aussie Icons: Mel Gibson starred in Bird on a Wire, but Olivia Newton-John hit #1 with Magic. And she never went on a drunken anti-Semitic rant in Malibu. As far as I know. Advantage: Magic

Flight Prowess: A magic carpet and a bird can both fly. But when was the last time you actually saw a magic carpet in the sky? We’re past the weed-smoking topic now. Advantage: Bird

Children’s TV: The Magic School Bus was popular, but there’s no way you can go against Big Bird. Advantage: Bird

Black: Blackbird is a soothing Beatles song that won’t hurt anyone. But black magic can do some serious damage. I mean, did you see Sabrina, the Teenage Witch? Advantage: Magic

18th Century Austrian Composers: Haydn wrote The Bird quartet, but The Magic Flute is a Mozart staple. Yes, as in all NBA Finals previews, I had to work in the obligatory classical music discussion. Advantage: Magic

1984 Pop Songs: The Cars and Morris Day and the Time had hits with Magic and The Bird, respectively. As good as The Cars were, do they ever get you out on the dance floor? Advantage: Bird

Charlies: It’s Magic, Charlie Brown was a relatively obscure Peanuts special. Charlie “Bird” Parker was a jazz legend. And Lucy would never pull the football away from him. Advantage: Bird

Radio Stations: There’s a Magic 106.7 in Boston, but no Bird 106.7 in L.A. Advantage: Magic

Toys: You can play with lots of cool birds. But can they predict the future like a Magic 8-Ball? I think not. Advantage: Magic

Tallying up the results, it’s Magic 8 and Bird 7. So a celebration in downtown L.A. is on the way. Too bad Mark Madsen won’t be around to dance.

This Day in History

2008-05-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is May 30, and given my overwhelming sense of anticipation, I’ll take a look back at the history books a day early. According to Wikipedia, all of these events took place on May 30. For some reason, the popular online encyclopedia ignores the sports angle to each of these occurrences. Therefore, for each entry I’ve added an extra sentence to fill in the gaps.

1431: Joan of Arc is burned at the stake. Observers label the LPGA’s steroid penalties as overly harsh.

1536: King Henry VIII of England marries third wife Jane Seymour. Wedding invitations refer to the ceremony as “Hank’s Three-Peat.”

1574: Henry III becomes King of France. Graciously, he allows Rafael Nadal to rule over Paris every June.

1806: Future President Andrew Jackson kills Charles Dickinson in a duel. Jackson then agrees to a boxing match versus Jose Canseco.

1854: The Kansas-Nebraska Act becomes law. The act legalizes lopsided Big XII basketball games.

1879: New York’s Gilmores Garden is renamed Madison Square Garden by William Henry Vanderbilt and is opened to the public. Vanderbilt immediately begins chanting, “Knicks Suck!”

1922: The Lincoln Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C. Due to Prohibition, Anheuser-Busch’s offer to sponsor the Bud Light Lincoln Memorial is denied.

1964: Singer Wynonna Judd is born. Though sister Ashley has not yet been born, the doctor remarks, “Okay, she’s a huge Kentucky fan! Enough already! I GET IT!”

1971: Mariner 9 is launched by NASA toward Mars. NASA is bitter that the Mariner 9 has the worst record in the American League.

1982: Spain becomes the 16th member of NATO. Previously, Spain was part of Conference USA.

Please have a safe and happy May 30!

Sunday's Race Renamed the Indy Jones 500

2008-05-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

This Sunday brings the 92nd edition of the Indianapolis 500. In the U.S., NASCAR generally gets more attention than the IndyCar Series. However, the Indy Racing League has big plans for this year’s event, aligning the race with another Indy who will attract a huge audience this weekend. Sunday’s competition has officially been renamed the Indy Jones 500.

The rechristening of the race is in reference to this week’s release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The anticipated blockbuster promises to provide two hours of non-stop thrills. The Indy Jones 500 will last a bit longer, but it has already been dubbed “The Greatest Spectacle in Racing.” 2008 will represent the third consecutive year the race will have a clear cinematic link. Last year’s champion, Dario Franchitti, is married to Ashley Judd. And the 2006 edition, in a shocking upset, was won by Harry Potter. In honor of the movie connection, this year’s starting command will be, “Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines – and please turn off your cell phones.”

Numerous adjustments have been made to connect this year’s race with the film franchise. Instead of a Corvette, the pace car will now be a Mustang. Therefore, like Indiana Jones, the race will be represented by an old Ford. Rather than Rahal Letterman or Andretti Green, all drivers will be members of the Spielberg Lucas team. Additionally, the procedure to be followed after crashes will be radically different. Instead of the use of a caution flag, Steven Spielberg will yell, “Cut!” Rather than departing the race, the driver will then get to do another take.

The competitors will have plenty of direct connections to Indiana Jones. Their racing uniforms will include a fedora and a leather jacket. Also, every time they leave the pit area and return to the track, John Williams will conduct the Purdue University marching band in playing the triumphant Indiana Jones theme music. Additionally, as part of their pre-race routine, many of the racers will lecture university students about archaeology.

In typical editions of the Indy 500, meeting the wall at high speed is the greatest concern. However, the Indy Jones 500 will provide far more obstacles. The race will begin with the drivers fleeing a giant boulder. At other stages, they will be chased by Nazis. Occasionally, snakes will be thrown into their cars. On the bright side, competitors will be allowed to use a whip to fend off other drivers.

This year’s aftermath will also depart from the norm. Instead of the Borg Warner Trophy, the winner will be awarded the Ark of the Covenant. Because anyone who looks at it is destroyed, it is highly unlikely that next year’s race will have a repeat champion. Averting one’s gaze at the Ark may not even be enough, as the celebratory milk will likely be poisoned.

It remains to be seen who that champion will be. Scott Dixon was the fastest qualifier, and Dan Wheldon and Hélio Castroneves are also among the favorites. However, no one represents bigger box office than Danica Patrick. It’s entirely possible that the Indy Jones 500 could end with a female in the lead. With the phrase “female lead” connected to Indy Jones, there’s one particular key to success for Danica: Be like Karen Allen, NOT Kate Capshaw.

The All-Presidential Namesakes Sports List

2008-05-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

As you may have heard once or twice, we’re in a presidential election year in the USA. With that in mind, and because sports fans love lists, I bring you the All-Presidential Namesakes Sports List.

In the order in which they served, I’ll list the surnames of every single U.S. president. For each entry, I’ll choose the all-time top sports figure who shares that name – whether it’s their first or last name. Middle names are acceptable only if they’re commonly mentioned when referring to that person. For example, Grover Cleveland Alexander qualifies, but Jack Roosevelt Robinson does not. Also, this list is targeted to American sports fans, so it’s entirely possible I omitted some amazing soccer player somewhere. Not that anyone here would notice.

Since there were two presidents named Adams, Harrison, Johnson, Roosevelt, and Bush, those names are each represented twice. Still, there were numerous legends named Johnson who didn’t make the cut, while names like Fillmore provided slim pickings. Projections were not made for this November, so there’s no Obama or McCain on the list. There is a Clinton, but just one. As with all political discussions, the list is sure to spark debate. So here we go!

1. Washington: Ted Washington. Maybe he’s not at “Father of Our Country” level, but the longtime defensive tackle has been to four Pro Bowls.

2. Adams: Flozell Adams. Another four-time Pro Bowler, the Cowboys offensive tackle will someday be portrayed by Paul Giamatti.

3. Jefferson: Richard Jefferson. President Jefferson was third in serving our country. Hoopster Jefferson served our country while finishing third at the 2004 Olympics.

4. Madison: Sam Madison. This Sam defends against wide receivers, like his Presidential namesake defended Uncle Sam against England in the War of 1812.

5. Monroe: Earl Monroe. Like the basketball Hall of Famer, James Monroe was called “The Pearl” by his Cabinet members.

6. Adams: Sam Adams. The three-time Pro Bowl defensive tackle is the son of a former NFL player. John Quincy Adams also took the same job as his dad.

7. Jackson: Phil Jackson. His 9 rings (maybe 10 soon) as head coach give him the edge over Reggie. Besides, Mr. October, presidential elections are won in November!

8. Van Buren: Steve Van Buren. The Eagles Hall of Fame running back was on the 1948 and 1949 NFL champs. However, the president failed to repeat, losing to William Henry Harrison in 1840.

9. Harrison: Marvin Harrison. William Henry Harrison died after a month in office. His death had nothing to do with gunfire outside a Philadelphia bar.

10. Tyler: Tyler Hansbrough. President Tyler’s political opponents often complained that he shot too many free throws.

11. Polk: DaShon Polk. No offense to the Texans linebacker, but I told you the pickings would be slim for some names.

12. Taylor: Lawrence Taylor. Conspiracy theorists will note that I’ve chosen two Tar Heels in the last three picks. But can you really complain about LT? It’s not like I picked James Taylor.

13. Fillmore: Greg Fillmore. He played in 49 games for the Knicks in the early 70’s. Yeah, I wish this president had been named Millard Gretzky.

14. Pierce: Paul Pierce. The Franklin Pierce administration is rated poorly by historians, because Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen never joined him.

15. Buchanan: Buck Buchanan. Unlike the only president never to marry, Buck had no fear of commitment, spending his entire Hall of Fame career with the Kansas City Chiefs.

16. Lincoln: Lincoln Kennedy. The former offensive lineman could fit the bill for two presidents.

17. Johnson: Magic Johnson. Even with all the Johnsons to choose from (that’s not meant to be dirty), this one is easy.

18. Grant: Grant Fuhr. In Edmonton, Grant’s Tomb was where potential goals went to die.

19. Hayes: Woody Hayes. This was a tough call over Elvin Hayes. But Rutherford B. Hayes was from Ohio, and he was nearly removed from office after punching a guy from Clemson.

20. Garfield: Garfield Heard. He’s best remembered for his shot against the Celtics. President Garfield is best remembered for getting shot.

21. Arthur: Arthur Ashe. Chester A. Arthur came to prominence in New York. By winning the 1968 U.S. Open, so did Ashe.

22 & 24. Cleveland: Grover Cleveland Alexander. He only struck out batters on non-consecutive occasions.

23. Harrison: Harrison Dillard. He’s the only male to win Olympic gold medals in both sprinting and hurdling events. For President Harrison, re-election was too big of a hurdle.

25. McKinley: Alvin McKinley. Outside the White House, President McKinley’s primary residence was Canton, Ohio. Alvin may be an NFL defensive tackle, but he’s not Canton-bound.

26. Roosevelt: Roosevelt Brown. Theodore is a giant on Mount Rushmore. A nine-time Pro Bowl offensive tackle, Brown enabled the Giants to rush more.

27. Taft: Chris Taft. William Taft is the only man to serve as both President of the U.S. and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Equally impressive, Chris Taft, uh… Well, he played 17 games for Golden State.

28. Wilson: Hack Wilson. Winning the Nobel Peace Prize is nice, but President Wilson never drove in 191 runs during a season.

29. Harding: Tonya Harding. Fittingly, she’s listed right after a guy named Hack.

30. Coolidge: Warren Coolidge. Sure, he’s a fictional character, but Warren Coolidge dominated for Carver High School on The White Shadow.

31. Hoover: Brad Hoover. The Panthers fullback deals with defenders much better than the president handled the Great Depression.

32. Roosevelt: Roosevelt (“Rosey”) Grier. FDR won four elections, and Grier was part of the Fearsome Foursome.

33. Truman: Christine Truman. She was the 1959 French Open champion. If Zsuzsi Kormoczi had won that finals match, I REALLY would have scrambled here.

34. Eisenhower: Eisenhower Tree. It’s a pine tree on the 17th hole at Augusta National. Hey, it’s not like I had lots of human options!

35. Kennedy: Walter Kennedy. He was the NBA commissioner during the 60’s and 70’s. These days, while the president does not have unlimited power, the NBA commissioner does.

36. Johnson: Jack Johnson. Magic has already been taken, so this one was brutal. With apologies to fans of great pitching, the legendary heavyweight champ gets the nod over Walter and Randy.

37. Nixon: Norm Nixon. Richard won two elections before the humiliation of the Watergate scandal. Norm won two NBA titles before the humiliation of being traded to the Clippers.

38. Ford: Whitey Ford. Still miffed about my snub of Walter and Randy Johnson? Okay, here’s a Hall of Fame pitcher. Are you happy now?

39. Carter: Gary Carter. His Cooperstown enshrinement gives him the nod over Joe. And not because I’m a Phillies fan. Well, maybe a little.

40. Reagan: Frank Reagan. He led the NFL in interceptions in 1947 – an effort worthy of The Gipper.

41. Bush: Reggie Bush. This one could have been tougher, since no one named Dukakis has won the Heisman.

42. Clinton: Clinton Portis. Both of them have been wacky at press conferences – Portis by wearing outlandish costumes and Bill by saying, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

43. Bush: Joe Bush. He went 26-7 for the Yankees in 1922. Particularly partisan Democrats will insist that Frank Gore belongs here.

I’m Jack Archey, and I approved this message.

NBA Investigating Alleged Road Victory

2008-05-11T23:52:00.000-07:00

Last season, the San Antonio – Phoenix playoff series was marred by the suspensions of Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw for leaving the bench. This year, controversy has once again struck the second round of the NBA postseason. The league office is looking into allegations that the Detroit Pistons won Game 4 of their series with the Orlando Magic, despite playing on the road.

If true, that victory would be the only one for a visitor in the second round. Home teams are 14-0 in the other contests. According to a league insider, commissioner David Stern reached an agreement with the remaining participants that only home teams would win in the second round. Reportedly, Stern considered the arrangement to be fan-friendly, since witnessing a victory would boost the home fans’ enjoyment of games. Higher television ratings would also ensue, as every series would have a Game 7. The source indicated that the commissioner also wants the agreement in place for the conference finals, thereby guaranteeing a finals matchup between top seeds Boston and Los Angeles. The NBA official remarked that such a scenario had Stern “giggling like a schoolgirl.”

However, a report surfaced on Saturday that Detroit had left Orlando with a 90-89 victory. A 15-point third quarter lead, plus the absence of injured Piston Chauncey Billups, would seem to point to a win for the Magic. Nevertheless, the league office has reportedly received a tape which shows Tayshaun Prince making the game-winning basket for Detroit. Officials are unsure about the authenticity of the tape, since it only shows Dwight Howard scoring eight points in the entire contest. A second tape was reportedly discarded as irrelevant, because all it showed was a pre-Super Bowl walk-through by the St. Louis Rams.

No such controversy exists in the other series, in which the visitors have gone down to defeat every time. Some extraordinary circumstances have arisen amid the home dominance. The experienced, poised Spurs were pummeled in their two games at New Orleans. In Boston, the Celtics made LeBron James even less comfortable than he was hosting Saturday Night Live. And the Utah crowd mercilessly booed a guy who gave up millions in the interest of better care for his disease-stricken daughter. On the other hand, he does play for the Lakers.

If the NBA believes the Pistons’ violation to be true, there is no word on what the punishment will be. A simple remedy could be a Game 5 victory in Detroit for the Magic – the first time a make-up call would ever take place in the NBA. Reached for comment on potential sanctions, Rasheed Wallace remarked, “Being disciplined by the league office? I can’t imagine such an experience!” Then he hugged the reporters and took them out for pizza. Asked for his thoughts, another Piston responded, “I’ll say something, but only with half my face, if you can match it with half a face from the Magic. I love those commercials!”

The NBA is not the only league in which the home team is dominating these days. The visiting Sharks and Flyers are 0-for-4 in the NHL conference finals. However, that scenario is almost certainly not the result of an arrangement with commissioner Gary Bettman. He knows there’s no way he can boost ratings.

All About PA

2008-05-05T17:52:00.000-07:00

It’s time for Playoff Action between Pennsylvania Adversaries! No, not baseball – the Phillies’ Ambitions include October, but the Pirates’ Awfulness continues. It’s the NHL Eastern Conference finals, as Pittsburgh Awaits Philadelphia’s Arrival on Friday night. While the Predators, Avalanche, and Phoenix, Arizona’s Coyotes Plan Ahead for next season, the Keystone Staters’ Postseason Aspirations involve claiming the Prize Anaheim Possesses, At least until next month.

The Steel City’s Proud Atlantic Division champs are led by Penguins Ace Sidney Crosby, who’s Predictably Admired for his Prodigious Assets. Not in a Pam Anderson way – I mean his Passing Ability and Points Accumulation skills. He’s a Phenom Akin to his owner, Mario Lemieux, and his Peer, Alexander Ovechkin. Besides Sid the Kid, Marian Hossa Provided Assistance in Putting Away the Rangers. A Positive Addition since departing Philips Arena, the Past Atlanta star’s game-winner ended the series.

As Flyers fans are Painfully Aware, their team hasn’t Paraded Around the Stanley Cup since the Broad Street Bullies’ Pugilistic Approach and Bernie Parent’s Amazing goaltending had William Penn Atop a Populace Adoring its champions. The Prospect, Alas of Partying Anew this spring seemed Positively Absurd last year, which was Pure Agony. But a Potent About-face has fans’ Passions Aroused. They especially Praised Alberta native Joffrey Lupul, whose Puck Accuracy in Game 7 versus Washington Propelled Ahead his team. Then they Pushed Around Montreal in 5 games.

Sure, the NHL needs more Press Attention. It doesn’t exactly Pull American Idol-type ratings, but who needs Paula Abdul? At least you’ll have Packed Attendance, if not Pop Anthems. You won’t find Pacifists Anywhere, so Penalty Assessments due to Players’ Aggression will lead to Power Play Advantages.

This series may not matter in Perth, Australia or even Lawrence, Kansas (land of Phog Allen). But the state that gave us Palmer, Arnold will Provide Antagonism worthy of Pat’s Against Geno’s. Indeed, much like this Profound Article, the Eastern Conference finals are all about PA.

Kentucky Derby Horses & Their Sports Inspirations

2008-04-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

Churchill Downs is abuzz this week for the latest edition of the Kentucky Derby. The Run For The Roses may not be as popular among casual sports fans these days, but the 20-horse field should have especially broad appeal this year. Amazingly, the name of every entrant was inspired by something in the sports world. In order of Saturday’s post positions, here’s a rundown. Feel free to fix yourself a mint julep before proceeding.

1. Visionaire: Shaq answers two questions: “What is a synonym for sight?” and “What do your free throws hit?”

2. Big Truck: How the Big Hurt left Toronto.

3. Colonel John: Recovered from his 1974 surgery, Tommy John joins the ABA’s Kentucky Colonels.

4. Z Fortune: Carlos Zambrano discusses his contract.

5. Pyro: Someone who’s consistently responsible for things going up in flames. Also known as Isiah Thomas.

6. Eight Belles: What Roger Clemens takes home from a country music show.

7. Anak Nakal: Doubles partner of Rafael Nadal.

8. Court Vision: Tennis great Margaret visits her eye doctor.

9. Z Humor: Žydrūnas Ilgauskas pulls a locker room prank.

10. Monba: Kobe Bryant’s nickname in Jamaica.

11. Smooth Air: Michael Jordan reflects on his performance outside the front office.

12. Adriano: Usually seen as “Adrian O,” it’s what Peterson provides the Vikings.

13. Bob Jack Black: Colts’ Sanders is introduced to the School of Rock star.

14. Denis of Cork: One-third of a baseball cheating trio, along with Denis of Steroids and Denis of Sandpaper.

15. Cowboy Cal: Ripken signs with Dallas as he launches a bid to break Brett Favre’s record for consecutive starts.

16. Big Brown: Cleveland offensive tackle Joe Thomas.

17. Tale of Ekati: Ekati claims, “My trainer said it was flaxseed oil.”

18. Cool Coal Man: Replacing an injured Pat White, an anonymous coal miner leads West Virginia to the Big East title.

19. Recapturetheglory: Thecelticswintheir17thchampionship.

20. Gayego: What Rudy must sometimes subvert for the good of the Grizzlies.

Some Extra Mustard For Your Monday

2008-04-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

For the second time this month, I'm featured in si.com's popular Extra Mustard section! My "Ten More Longs For The First Round" is one of today's Hot Clicks. Check out today's Extra Mustard for further details - if you ever get past the Houston Texans cheerleaders at the top. Thanks to Jimmy Traina and Extra Mustard!

Ten More Longs For The First Round

2008-04-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

The NFL draft begins Saturday at 3:00pm Eastern time. The Miami Dolphins have already decided to make Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long the #1 overall pick. Soon to go after him, possibly as high as #2, will be Virginia defensive end Chris Long. Chris’s father Howie Long was taken in round two in 1981, but this year’s first round will be all about the Longs. Beyond Jake and Chris, look for these other Longs to be chosen in round one.

3. Atlanta Falcons: Nia Long. The Third Watch star goes third, and as in Big Momma’s House, she’ll be set in Georgia. To make her feel at home, the Falcons’ staff will wear wigs and fat suits.

6. New York Jets: Justin Long. The Mac pitchman should feel at home near the Big Apple.

7. New England Patriots: Shelley Long. Her glory days on Cheers were set in Boston. Coincidentally, most of those shows were secretly filmed on the opponent’s sideline.

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Amy Fisher (“Long Island Lolita”). She knows how to handle a gun, so it’s a perfect fit.

10. New Orleans Saints: Huey Long. The political legend from Louisiana has been dead since 1935. But his home state team has rarely shown much life, either.

12. Denver Broncos: Lionel Richie (“All Night Long”). The team led by Vanderbilt’s Jay Cutler picks another former leader of The Commodores.

13. Carolina Panthers: Jay Bilas. He has to be included in any draft in which the word “Long” is constantly used.

16. Arizona Cardinals: Long Duk Dong. The character from Sixteen Candles goes at #16. His habit of drunkenly falling out of trees drops him from the top 10.

21. Washington Redskins: Long Dong Silver. A porn star made famous during the Clarence Thomas confirmation process, he becomes a big name in DC once again.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Long John Silver. He was actually a Pirate, but this is a way better team to play for in Pittsburgh.

NBA Playoffs Guide, From A To Z

2008-04-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

The regular season is over, so 16 teams still have dreams of an NBA championship. Well, I’m not sure the Hawks can even dream of a title, but you get the point. Here’s an A-To-Z look at the NBA postseason.

American: Company whose name is on the Mavericks’ home arena, even though their best player is German and their owner is Cuban.

Benedict XVI: Pope who will perform before huge crowds in New York this weekend. So you know he’s not on the Knicks.

Coaches: Men on the sideline who, every once in a while, get their players to listen to them. Most of them won’t have this job for long.

DUI: Abbreviation attached to a Nuggets star this week, so I think it stands for “Don’t Underestimate Iverson!”

Eleven: Games ahead of playoff-bound Atlanta for Golden State, which missed the postseason. Coach Don Nelson is pleading, “Oakland’s on the East Bay – shouldn’t we be in the Eastern Conference?”

Fifth: Seed you get in the Western Conference after winning 22 games in a row.

Go-To Guy: What every championship-caliber team needs. “Go-To” is short for “Go to the line,” since he’ll get all the calls.

Howard Stern: Not the radio guy. I just wanted to mention the slam dunk contest winner and the commissioner in the same entry.

Ignore: What casual sports fans will do to you when you win 59 games, if you’re the Pistons.

June: When the Finals will end. Or the first round, I’m not sure.

KG: Not only Kevin Garnett in Boston, but Kobe-Gasol in LA. Which also means “Kwame’s Gone” and “Kupchak’s Grateful.”

Languages: Like championship rings, there are lots of them in the Spurs’ locker room.

Magic: Orlando or Johnson, who along with Larry Bird will be shown a BILLION times in old clips if that Lakers-Celtics series materializes.

NBA TV: A network that’s unfamiliar to most people. Which is why much of the Toronto-Orlando series has been banished there.

O’Neal, Shaquille: Like John McCain, he’s an old guy representing Arizona who wants to win the big prize.

Paul: Whether last name (Chris) or first (Pierce), he’s a star on a highly-seeded team you haven’t seen at this time of year lately.

Quarter Century: Time it’s been since the 76ers won the title – the last pro sports championship in Philadelphia. Clearly, those bitter Pennsylvanians referenced by Obama are Philly sports fans.

Raptors: A Canadian team that won’t win the championship, so it would be at home in the NHL.

Stu Jackson: A name the Suns really don’t want to hear during THIS series with the Spurs.

T-Mobile Ads: The only way you’ll see a Miami Heat player during the postseason.

Utah: Franchise hoping for its first Finals appearance since 1998, when Salt Lake City teams were runner-up in both the NBA and NCAA. I’m guessing Memphis won’t repeat that feat this year.

Viewership: Great for ABC when broadcasting Tony Parker’s wife. Not so much when broadcasting Tony Parker’s team.

Woods, Tiger: Unlike LeBron James, he’s a Nike superstar who can win championships by himself.

X-ray: Like throwing his jersey into the crowd, it’s part of Gilbert Arenas’s post-game ritual.

Youth: Something most middle-aged men desire, unless they’re NBA general managers in search of a championship.

Zilch: Playoff series won by Tracy McGrady in six attempts. But as the old saying goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try again.”

Green Jacket & Similar Awards

2008-04-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

Sunday in Augusta, South African Trevor Immelman completed a three-stroke victory at The Masters. In relegating Tiger Woods to second place, Immelman claimed the prestigious Green Jacket. As Jim Nantz tells us every spring, the coveted blazer is part of what makes this tournament “a tradition unlike any other.” But what if the Green Jacket weren’t so unique in the sports world? Here’s a look at similar awards that could be given for certain honors.

Top NFL defensive back: Darrell Green Jacket

Leader in NHL penalty minutes: Mean Jacket

Outstanding Indiana basketball player: Crean Jacket

Outstanding North Carolina basketball player: Dean Jacket

Chris Berman broadcasting award: Leather Jacket

Best MLB closer, in honor of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn: Sheen Jacket

Athlete most photographed by paparazzi: Scene Jacket

Ricky Williams running back award: Smoking Jacket

Women’s singles champion at U.S. Open: Billie Jean Jacket

Top player in Oakland A’s organization: Beane Jacket

Athlete with best rendition of We Are The Champions: Queen Jacket

Most accurate driver on PGA Tour: Straight Jacket

Best athlete under the age of 20: Teen Jacket

Award claimed by Lance Armstrong, but no one in France believes him: Clean Jacket

Outstanding athlete at Georgia Tech: Yellow Jacket

NBA leader in setting picks: Screen Jacket

Best performance by an athlete in a heart-warming Coke commercial: Mean Joe Greene Jacket

Award for anyone who joins Augusta National: Members-Only Jacket

Chalmers & Other Marios

2008-04-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the biggest three-pointer of his life, Kansas guard Mario Chalmers is on top of the sports world today. Chalmers sent the NCAA championship game into overtime against Memphis, with his Jayhawks ultimately prevailing 75-68. The “Super Mario” label is both obvious and fitting in this situation. How does Chalmers compare to other famous Marios? Let’s take a look.

Mario Lopez: Slater on Saved By the Bell.
Mario Chalmers: Jayhawks’ savior before the buzzer.

Mario Elie: Won a championship with San Antonio in 1999.
Mario Chalmers: Won a championship in San Antonio in 2008.

Mario Chalmers: Shoots the ball into the net and gets steals.
Mario Lemieux: Shot the puck into the net in the Steel City.

Mario Mendoza: Mendoza Line inspiration who knew all about futility.
Mario Chalmers: Cousin Lionel knew all about futility, playing for the Clippers.

Mario Lavandeira (aka Perez Hilton): Preys on celebrities’ self-esteem.
Mario Chalmers: Praised and esteemed by Bill Self.

Mario Chalmers: Cold-blooded shooter at the end of regulation.
Mario Puzo: Godfather author who wrote about cold-blooded shooters.

Mario (the singer): Competitor on this season’s Dancing With the Stars.
Mario Chalmers: Star competitor in this season’s Big Dance.

Mario Batali: Food Network chef who thrives with spices.
Mario Chalmers: KU guard who survived against Curry.

Mario Lanza: Famous tenor of the 50’s whose singing lives on.
Mario Chalmers: Thanks to One Shining Moment, heroics will live on in song.

Mario Chalmers: Rallied late to be #1 over Memphis.
Mario Williams: Rallied late to be #1 over Reggie Bush.

Mario Ančić: As last man to beat Federer at Wimbledon, disrupted with his racquet.
Mario Chalmers: Disrupted lots of brackets.

Mario Chalmers: Plays on the same team as Brandon Rush.
Mario Cuomo: Liberal icon who’s never on the same side as Rush.

Mario Andretti: Was known for his fast driving.
Mario Chalmers: More known for his shooting than his driving. Especially now.

Memphis vs. Kansas: An NCAA Championship Breakdown

2008-04-06T21:45:00.001-07:00

After surprisingly lopsided semifinal victories, Memphis and Kansas will square off for the NCAA men’s basketball championship on Monday night. The Jayhawks are seeking their first national championship since 1988, while the Tigers look to claim the first NCAA title in school history. For an insightful analysis of the respective rosters, well, you’re in the wrong place. As for my breakdown, here we go:

Mascots: A Jayhawk is a mythical creature, but a Tiger is real and can rip you to shreds. The one similarity? Tigers and Jayhawks have both recently inflicted damage on someone named Roy. Advantage: Memphis.

Past NBA Stars: Penny Hardaway had moments of greatness after his college career at Memphis. But no one could score like KU’s Wilt Chamberlain. He was a great hoops player too. Advantage: Kansas.

Jim Nantz: Whether it’s Augusta or San Antonio, it’s natural for him to proclaim “a Tiger championship” in early April. Advantage: Memphis.

Republican Presidential Candidates: Bob Dole, who attended KU, was waxed like a 16-seed in the 1996 election. But unlike Memphis alum Fred Thompson, at least he got the nomination. Advantage: Kansas.

FedEx: Memphis plays its home games at the FedEx Forum and won the Conference USA tournament there. On the other hand, Kansas won the FedEx Orange Bowl against actual competition. Advantage: Kansas.

School Mottos: U of M’s appropriately succinct motto is translated as “Dreamers. Thinkers. Doers.” KU’s is translated as, “I will see this great vision in which the bush does not burn.” Commenting on whoever came up with that motto, John Kerry remarked, “Man, that guy was long-winded!” Advantage: Memphis.

City Landmarks: Allen Fieldhouse is a basketball treasure, but unlike Graceland, it doesn’t display sequined jumpsuits worn by Elvis. Advantage: Memphis.

Fab Five: The last time a team with a starting point guard named Rose was in the finals, Jalen lost two straight championship games. At least Derrick will only have one opportunity. Advantage: Kansas.

Major League Baseball: There are no Hawks in the Majors, but the Jays are 4-2. Meanwhile, the Tigers are still winless. Advantage: Kansas.

Mathematics: According to Wikipedia, U of M’s mathematics department has more Erdos number 1 mathematicians than any other research institution in the world. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds impressive, and it mentions “number 1.” Advantage: Memphis.

Jacque Vaughn: The former KU point guard won a ring with the Spurs last year. So Jayhawks know how to win championships in San Antonio. Advantage: Kansas.

Coaches’ Names: “Calipari” sounds like a fried seafood appetizer. But “Self” is a lousy name for someone who wants to promote teamwork. Advantage: Memphis.

Classic Rock: One team is named Kansas, with a star named Rush. And “Rock” is part of its famous chant. The other has CDR, but not CCR. Advantage: Kansas.

Mayors: Lawrence’s mayor is Sue Hack, whose last name suggests foul trouble. W.W. Herenton is the mayor of Memphis, and the whole point of this weekend in San Antonio is to string two W’s together. Advantage: Memphis.

I Love the 80’s: Memphis last made the Final Four in 1985, when it was still Memphis State. But Danny Manning led the Jayhawks all the way in 1988. Back then, a Manning could win a title and NOT be in a zillion commercials. Advantage: Kansas.

Tallying up the results, it’s Kansas 8, Memphis 7. So Monday night, it will be a Rock Chalk Jayhawk Riverwalk.

Ones' Shining Moment

2008-03-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

Despite a valiant effort by Davidson, next weekend’s Final Four is only open to the Goliaths. North Carolina, Memphis, UCLA, and Kansas will be part of the first Final Four comprised entirely of #1 seeds. At times the pace will be as fast as Formula One, but the basketball will be far more disciplined than AND1. Clearly the number one will be predominant in San Antonio. In honor of the occasion, here’s a look at the many ways in which “One/1” relates to this Final Four.

Point awarded for making a free throw, which Memphis actually can do.

Three Dog Night song noted for the line “One is the loneliest number.” Obviously they didn’t foresee this Final Four.

Years Derrick Rose and Kevin Love will spend in college. Despite references to Love and a Rose, the previous sentence was not meant to be romantic.

2001 film (The One) starring Jet Li, featuring nearly as much action as Saturday’s Kansas-North Carolina semifinal.

UCLA titles since John Wooden retired in 1975. That trophy was claimed in 1995 by Jim Harrick, who is eager to re-enter the ranks of crooked coaches.

Jersey number of Marcus Ginyard for North Carolina and Willie Kemp for Memphis. So even if they lose this weekend, they can still claim to be number one.

U2 hit song from the early 90s, back when Roy Williams was coaching the Jayhawks AGAINST the Tar Heels in Final Fours.

Losses for Memphis this season – a February defeat to Tennessee. The Tigers did slightly better against the other UT on Sunday.

Shots missed, out of 22, by Bill Walton in the biggest UCLA-Memphis game of all time – the 1973 NCAA Championship. Commenting from the future, broadcaster Bill Walton remarked, “What a HORRIBLE miss!”

Name of a global campaign to fight poverty. These teams will do their part by producing rich NBA players.

Players on these squads with a national championship ring (Quentin Thomas). So Quentin Thomas could become the first UNC player ever to win two national titles. That’s right, I said Quentin Thomas.

Moniker (“The One”) for Neo in The Matrix. Expect Saturday’s coaches to wear dark sunglasses to go with their suits.

Members of Conference USA who made the NCAA Tournament, meaning that Conference USA is undefeated in the Big Dance.

Signature tune from the Broadway smash A Chorus Line. This week, Broadway will feature college hoops’ number one from 2006 and 2007, as the Gators try to be #66 in 2008.

Number symbolized by those big foam fingers, which were developed in response to lackluster sales of “We’re number 3” foam products.

Previous Final Fours for John Calipari, as well as the number of press conferences in which an opposing coach threatened to kill him.

Hit single recorded by Metallica in the spring of 1988. Kansas fans appreciate any reference to the spring of 1988.

Numeric designation for point guard, as well as the round in which Derrick Rose, Darren Collison, and Ty Lawson will be drafted in June.

Atomic number of hydrogen. In honor of the student-athletes, I figured I’d put something educational in here.

Combined NCAA championships for the four coaches (Williams in 2005). I’ll go out on a limb and say that they’ll combine for another by next Monday night.

Name of a compilation album for The Beatles. Like John, Paul, George, and Ringo, this weekend’s participants comprise a Fab Four.

Games these teams will play at a time, assuming they know their clichés.

Division in which these teams play. Thankfully, the phrase “Bowl Subdivision” doesn’t apply to hoops.

Quick Hits On the Sweet 16

2008-03-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

After an entertaining four days of the NCAA Tournament, we’re down to the Sweet 16. Here are some quick hits on the 16 who remain.

EAST:

North Carolina: For the second consecutive year, the Tar Heels are the lone ACC representative in the Sweet 16. For their conference mates in the tournament, ACC meant “Another Clemson Choke,” “Abrams Cripples ‘Canes,” and “Adios, Chris Collins!”

Washington State: The Cougars made Notre Dame’s offense look anemic in a rout, leading many to ask if the Irish were being coached by Charlie Weis.

Louisville: Hitting on all cylinders, the unsentimental Cardinals prevented another Boise State-Oklahoma matchup. Worse yet, they demanded that Ian Johnson divorce his cheerleader wife.

Tennessee: Chris Lofton is expected to play on Thursday, despite nursing an injured ankle. Bruce Pearl is expected to coach on Thursday, despite wearing that orange sport coat.

SOUTH:

Memphis: The Tigers survived a close one with Mississippi State. Amazingly, they were the only Tigers to win on Sunday, and they didn’t even wear red.

Michigan State: The Spartans eliminated Pittsburgh, Bobby Knight’s pick as national champion. It’s been a long time since he’s had a clue about what happens in a Final Four.

Stanford: I was ready to write about the Lopez twins, but since I’m close to the halfway point, I had to eject Trent Johnson from this article.

Texas: Taking the court in Houston, the Longhorns will have geography in their favor. Just like North Carolina in Charlotte, as well as West Virginia and Western Kentucky in the West Regional.

MIDWEST:

Kansas: The Jayhawks just eliminated a Lon Kruger-coached team (UNLV), as they did during their last title run in 1988 (vs. Kansas State). It’s a good omen, but they’ll really be in good shape if “Dukakis For President” signs start popping up.

Villanova: Despite being a 12 seed, the Wildcats make their third Sweet 16 appearance in four years. I’m also pretty sure that Villanova is a female Russian tennis player.

Wisconsin: The Badgers bounced Kansas State from the Big Dance, shattering Michael Beasley’s hopes for a bright future.

Davidson: Tournament darling Stephen Curry left Georgetown in a state of shock. Not so much that the Wildcats won, but that a team from North Carolina made shots against the Hoyas down the stretch of a tournament game.

WEST:

UCLA: The Bruins can’t continue the James Bond-type escapes forever. But against Texas A&M, UCLA stood for “Unflappable Collison, Love Advance.”

Western Kentucky: The Hilltoppers eliminated fellow longshot San Diego, who assumed that all Kentucky teams were a cakewalk.

Xavier: With a showdown against old foe Bob Huggins looming, the Musketeers have petitioned the NCAA to move the West Regional from Phoenix to Cincinnati.

West Virginia: Speaking of Huggins, he’s done so well at West Virginia, he’ll soon be hired by Michigan.

NCAA First Round Losers

2008-03-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

It’s on to the second round, as 32 teams remain in The Big Dance. First, we’ll take a look back at some of the first round losers.

Patriotic Fans in Birmingham: Friday afternoon saw American and USA (South Alabama) go down to defeat.

4 & 5 Seeds in Tampa Bay: The Rays can only hope that underdogs keep winning in Tampa Bay.

Kents: Gone from the field are Kent State, Ernie Kent of Oregon, and Kent-ucky.

NFC Central: There’s no more action for the (Baylor) Bears or (Portland State) Vikings.

Religious Leaders: Oral Roberts and Brigham Young didn’t have a prayer.

Saints (excluding nicknames): The Siena Saints moved on, but it wasn’t a Good Friday for St. Joseph’s, St. Mary’s, or Mount St. Mary’s.

High-Priced Prostitutes: With Austin Peay’s elimination, the Governors are out of action.

Nashville: Vanderbilt was blown out by Siena, while the other local entrant couldn’t quite pull off the upset of the tournament. Like recent Triple Crown bids, it was a near-miss involving Belmont.

South Carolina Teams in Second Half: Winthrop and Clemson were outscored by a combined 49 points after halftime. On the bright side, now the Tigers have plenty of time to work on their free throws.

Padres Fans: The experience of seeing San Diego pull out a playoff win in overtime came five months too late. Unfortunately for UConn, Trevor Hoffman wasn't on the court.

A March Madness Guide, From A To Z

2008-03-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

The field of 65 has been released, so it’s time for another edition of March Madness! Before you fill out those NCAA tournament brackets, here’s a quick primer, from A To Z.

Alamodome: As the Final Four site, everyone wants to end up there. Asked for comment, David Stern remarked, “Basketball finals in San Antonio? Those ratings will suck!”

Bulldogs: The mascot is well-represented by Butler, Drake, Georgia, Gonzaga, and Mississippi State. Plus, since “Hoya” is just part of a Latin phrase, Georgetown also has a Bulldog mascot. Because who wants to dress up as a Latin phrase?

Commercials: Non-Duke fans hope this will be the only way to see Coach K during the Final Four.

Double-Header: Georgia will demand one if the Dawgs upset Xavier in the first round.

Eleven: Record number of NCAA titles for UCLA. They have a real chance to make it twelve, since Florida is nowhere to be found.

Favre, Brett: A long-running Packer who finally called it quits. CBS viewers wish the same were true of Billy.

George Mason: The CAA champs were everyone’s favorite Cinderella two years ago. They’ve since been replaced by Amy Adams.

Hansbrough, Tyler: A guy you’re probably tired of hearing about by now. But I’m a UNC alum, so you’ll get more Psycho T and like it!

Initial Entries: American, Portland State, Texas-Arlington, and UMBC are in the Division 1 tournament for the first time. However, since Portland State and UMBC are both in the Midwest region, they can’t all make the Final Four.

Jesus: Appropriately, he’s well-represented during Easter Week. Both his parents (St. Joseph and St. Mary) are in the field.

Knowledge of Hoops: Something that has absolutely nothing to do with winning an NCAA Tournament pool.

Longhorns: Texas could play the South Regional and the Final Four in its home state. But first comes the long-awaited Battle of Austin versus Austin Peay.

Missed Free Throws: The potential downfall for Memphis, as you’ll be reminded constantly during a close game for the Tigers. Also the potential downfall for Clemson, as you’ll be reminded constantly during a close game for the Tigers.

National Championship Game: The title matchup will have two new participants, since Florida and Ohio State were left out of the field. The Buckeyes will just have to lose to an SEC opponent for the NIT championship.

One and Done: What Kansas State’s Michael Beasley and USC’s O.J. Mayo will be after their freshman seasons. And what one of their teams will be in this tournament, since they meet in the first round.

Pre-season Polls: The top four teams were North Carolina, UCLA, Memphis, and Kansas, which happen to be the four #1 seeds. So the last four months were just a formality.

Queasy: How the sappy One Shining Moment should probably make you feel. But since it’s accompanied by awesome hoops highlights, you love the damn song.

Rocky: Just a few days ago, Philly was in danger of being shut out of the field, but Temple, Villanova, and St. Joseph’s all made it. As for Final Four contenders, you can look to Rocky Top and Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Seinfeld: A show that will be quoted constantly, thanks to the already overused line of “Love the Drake!”

Twenty: Number of defeats for Coppin State – the most ever for an NCAA Tournament team. Being in Baltimore and losing 20 games makes Coppin State a perfect fit for the Orioles’ rotation.

Upsets: You know they’ll happen. You just won’t pick the right ones.

Victory: The only experience Davidson has had in 2008, with its last loss coming on December 21 to NC State. Yes, THAT NC State. Seriously, I’m not kidding!

Wildcats: Apparently a favorable nickname for bubble teams, as Arizona, Kentucky, Kansas State, and Villanova all squeaked into the field.

Xenon: The most underrated noble gas, which ... oh, whatever, I’ll just go with Xavier.

Yankee: Like Alex Rodriguez, the Final Four contenders hope to be at their best in April.

Zebras: Another word for referees, whom fans will blame for their team’s elimination. Unless their school loses by more than 30. No, they’ll still blame the refs.

Rockets' Streak By The Numbers, From 1 To 20

2008-03-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night in Atlanta, the Houston Rockets defeated the Hawks 83-75 to extend their improbable winning streak to 20 games. The run is tied with the 1970-71 Milwaukee Bucks for second-best in NBA history. It remains to be seen how long the streak will last. In the meantime, here’s a by-the-numbers look at the streak, from 1 to 20.

1: Division 1 college teams (Davidson) with a current winning streak of at least 20 games. But they play in the Southern Conference, not the Western Conference.

2: Career regular season 3-point attempts for 41-year-old Dikembe Mutombo, who missed both. He should try a few in tonight’s game – the way the Rockets are going, he’d drain ‘em like Reggie Miller.

3: Games among their last eight in which Houston has held the opponent to 75 points or less. The highlight was a 94-69 rout of Washington, in which Luther Head led the Rockets with 18. The combination of 69, Head, and Washington begs for an Eliot Spitzer reference.

4: Teams (Pacers, Cavaliers, Hawks, and Hornets) the Rockets have beaten twice during the streak. Cleveland and New Orleans are actually good. On the other hand, playing Indiana and Atlanta multiple times is how streaks are made.

5: Consecutive games in double figures for forward Carl Landry, before missing the last three contests with an injury. Carl Landry and “Rockets” reminds me of Carl Lewis “And the rockets’ red glare…” Somewhere, Charley Steiner is laughing.

6: Month of the year represented by June, when Houston hopes to still be playing.

7: Seasons in which first-year head coach Rick Adelman has guided his team to at least the second round of the NBA playoffs. Tracy McGrady, you can learn from this guy!

8: Consecutive victories Houston has had without Yao Ming. His season-ending injury could be a blessing in disguise. No team has won the NBA championship with a 7’6” Chinese guy.

9: Zero hour for a Rocket Man, according to Elton John. Sir Elton doesn’t know his hoops – nobody tips off at 9AM.

10: Current win streak for the Boston Celtics. Slackers!

11: Years since the Rockets last won a playoff series. Soon, “20 out of 20” will be way less important than “4 out of 7.”

12: Jersey number of point guard Rafer Alston, who feuded with coach Sam Mitchell during his previous stop in Toronto. Rafer’s not the only Rocket to have issues with a guy named Mitchell.

13: Consecutive victories Houston still needs to match the all-time record set by the 1971-72 Lakers. That team was in such a groove, Wilt probably even got laid once or twice.

14: Points scored in the Super Bowl by the New England Patriots, who unlike the Rockets have lost since the end of January.

15: Years since owner Leslie Alexander bought the team in July 1993. That fall, Michael Jordan retired, and Alexander’s Rockets won their first 15 games. At the time, he spent several hours a day screaming, “Owning a team is AWESOME!!!” to anyone within earshot.

16: Games below .500 for the Charlotte Bobcats, Houston’s next opponent. Expect Shane Battier to play well. Trust me, he has a strong track record against North Carolina teams.

17: NBA seasons played by the greatest Rocket of them all, Hakeem Olajuwon. Assuming you forget about that final season with the Raptors. Most of us do.

18: Losses by the Miami Heat since Houston’s last defeat. Plus, Dwyane Wade is out for the season. Clearly Barkley’s Five is cursed.

19: Losses on the season for the West-leading Lakers, who play in Houston on Sunday. Then the Rockets host Boston before traveling to New Orleans, Golden State, and Phoenix – all by next Saturday. This is all during Holy Week, and to keep the streak going, the Rockets may need to bench Luis Scola and replace him with Jesus.

20: Also known as a score. So the last score of final scores have gone the Rockets’ way.

UNC Requests ACC Tournament Move To Cameron

2008-03-10T00:56:00.000-07:00

The Atlantic Coast Conference men’s basketball tournament is scheduled for Charlotte Bobcats Arena this Thursday through Sunday. However, top-seeded North Carolina is seeking a last-minute change to the proceedings. UNC has requested that the tournament be moved to Cameron Indoor Stadium in Durham.

The development comes in the wake of Saturday’s 76-68 victory by the Tar Heels over Duke. The win was UNC’s third in a row at Cameron, leaving senior Quentin Thomas as the only Tar Heel to have experienced defeat at the famous venue. At this point, the junior class led by national player of the year front-runner Tyler Hansbrough considers games at Cameron to be automatic victories. Therefore, the players begged coach Roy Williams to lobby the ACC to move the tournament there.

Insiders consider the relocation to be highly unlikely, given the logistics of staging such an event and the time frame involved. However, Williams raised a point to illustrate why Cameron would be such an appropriate venue. “The ACC Tournament is a huge event in this region. So why have it in an ARENA when you can hold it in a STADIUM?”

Others charge that staging the tournament on Duke’s home court would impair the neutrality of the event. A potential solution to that problem would be to refer to Cameron as Wallace Wade Stadium during the tournament, since no one ever accuses a Duke team of having a home crowd advantage at Wallace Wade Stadium. The playing surface itself is known as Coach K Court. That name is soon likely to change to Psycho T Court, because Hansbrough and his teammates clearly own the place.

Certainly Dick Vitale would be in favor of such a move, since he would spend every day in Cameron if he could. Not so happy would be the wealthy boosters from each of the twelve ACC schools. Instead of being granted the cushy seats they expected, the boosters would be forced to camp out in tents to get into the games. Even if the move is a longshot, some ACC players are stunned that this scenario has come to light. When asked for comment about UNC’s proposal, Duke point guard Greg Paulus reportedly fainted. However, it turned out that Paulus was simply trying to draw an offensive foul on the interviewer.

If the Heels do not get another opportunity to play in Cameron this week, at least they can reflect on their victorious experience from Saturday. After the game, many Cameron Crazies tried doing shots to drown their sorrows, but they were denied when the shots got blocked by Danny Green. For the third straight season, Senior Night in Cameron led to defeat for the home team. Representing the senior class, likely All-ACC first-teamer DeMarcus Nelson was held to six points. It’s a good thing that the Dukie who made a half-court shot during College GameDay is a graduate student. If he had been a senior, chances are his shot would have gone woefully awry, knocking the highlighter out of Digger Phelps’s hand and breaking Erin Andrews’s nose in Marcia Brady-esque fashion.

Chances are, Carolina will not get to play in the comfort of Cameron Indoor Stadium this weekend. Most fans anticipate a third Tar Heels-Blue Devils matchup in Charlotte on Sunday. If instead, the final matchup is UNC-Clemson, expect the Heels to lobby the ACC for a move once again. They’d definitely want that game in Chapel Hill.

"Gunslinger" Retired By Sports Media Organization

2008-03-05T22:16:00.000-08:00

Tuesday marked the end of an era in Green Bay, as legendary quarterback Brett Favre retired from the National Football League. His bust in Canton will be ready for him in 2013. Today, Favre was the recipient of a more immediate honor. The National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association announced today that the term “gunslinger” will be retired from further use by all sports media.

During the course of his career, Favre’s aggressive approach to passing made the “gunslinger” label become ubiquitous. Eventually, a law was passed mandating that “gunslinger” must be used during every Packers broadcast and any article focusing on Favre. A similar law is in effect for Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville and the phrase “riverboat gambler,” as well as Alex Rodriguez and “October choker.”

Since the term is so synonymous with Favre, the NSSA decided that it should not be bestowed on any other athlete in the future. The honor is similar to Major League Baseball’s retiring the number 42 for all clubs in honor of Jackie Robinson. The National Hockey League did the same for Wayne Gretzky’s number 99. Given his impact on the game, Favre seems a perfect choice as an NFL player to receive such an honor. The closest NBA equivalent was the retiring of the word “respectability,” but that action only applied to the Eastern Conference.

Ironically, Favre was labeled as a gunslinger without displaying an actual gun. In that respect, he was quite different from many of his NFL contemporaries. After the news of the gunslinger’s retirement became public, Tank Johnson appeared to pay tribute by firing endless rounds of ammunition into the air. In reality, Johnson was unaware of the news and was simply following his normal Tuesday ritual.

As of now, the use of “gunslinger” will be restricted to the endless retrospectives about Favre’s career. The only way the term can be applied to an active player is if Favre pulls a Sugar Ray Leonard or Michael Jordan and reneges on his retirement decision. Frank Caliendo, who is now legally recognized as John Madden, will be holding a constant vigil in hopes of such a scenario. In the meantime, other Green Bay staples such as Cheeseheads and the Lambeau Leap will continue. Unfortunately for football fans, so will Chris Berman’s “frozen tundra” references, which became stale around the same time as New Kids on the Block.

As the action in honor of Brett Favre takes effect, it is appropriate to reflect on those who originally inspired the term “gunslinger.” Legends of the Old West were renowned for their slick handling of a pistol. Billy the Kid himself had many things in common with the newly-retired Packer. For years it was believed that Billy was killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett. However, Billy actually ended his gunslinging days himself in a very different manner. He left a voicemail message for Chris Mortensen.

The ABA in Today's Sports World

2008-03-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

This weekend, Will Ferrell returns to the sports comedy world with Semi-Pro. The movie is set in the wild, high-flying days of the American Basketball Association. That ABA ceased to exist in 1976. However, “ABA” can still be seen throughout today’s sports world. Here are just a handful of examples.

Iron Bowl result the past 6 years: Auburn Beats Alabama
Tom Glavine: Atlanta Brave Again
Frequent Cincinnati headline: Another Bengal Arrested
Celtic Ray’s actions at the three-point line: Allen Bombs Away
Badger fans’ feelings toward their former coach: Adore Barry Alvarez
Yankee fans’ reaction to a right fielder’s slump: Abuse Bobby Abreu
Their feelings after the 2003 ALCS: Aaron Boone’s Awesome!
Drew Rosenhaus: Arrogant, Boisterous Agent
Part of Reds’ pitching coach’s duties: Advise Bronson Arroyo
Reason Oregon will be in the NIT: Aaron Brooks’s Absence
Oregon State basketball game: Awful Beaver Action
Reggie Miller’s favorite activity in the 90’s: Antagonizing Big Apple
Featured in Playboy: Amanda Beard’s Anatomy
Bad news for Brady Quinn: Anderson, Browns Agree
Problem for Wizards’ fans: Arenas, Butler Aching
Cause of Orioles’ decline: Angelos: Baltimore’s Affliction
Giselle’s role after the Super Bowl: Alleviate Brady’s Agony
Frequent response from players in the Mitchell Report: Anemic, Belated Apology
Big winner in the Eagles’ signing of Samuel: Asante’s Bank Account
Lottery-bound NBA teams: Awaiting Beasley’s Arrival
Recipients of Kurt Warner’s passes: Anquan Boldin’s Arms
Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays’ history: Atrocious Baseball Annually
Help for Lakers’ title hopes: Andrew Bynum Addition
D-Backs made the playoffs in spite of this: Arizona’s Batting Average
Devin Hester: Amazing Bear Athlete
Goal For Injured Yao Ming: August Beijing Appearance

Oscar Notables & Their Sports Counterparts

2008-02-26T07:57:00.000-08:00

Another edition of the Academy Awards is in the books, and the Oscar participants share some similarities to the athletic world. Here are some sports counterparts for all the acting nominees, as well as a few other notables from Sunday’s ceremony.

BEST ACTRESS:

Marion Cotillard: Tony Parker. She’s a native of France who experienced triumph in the U.S.

Cate Blanchett (also nominated for Best Supporting Actress): Jim Tressel. She’s won the trophy before, but in a bid for a second, she lost out twice in short succession.

Julie Christie: Roger Clemens. She portrayed an Alzheimer’s patient, so her memories didn’t match up with the people around her.

Laura Linney: Billy Beane. She’s often in contention – usually in productions with a modest budget.

Ellen Page: Steve Nash. She’s short, Canadian, and helped a talented ensemble thrive.

BEST ACTOR:

Daniel Day-Lewis: Tiger Woods. No one had any doubt that he’d win on Sunday.

George Clooney: Tom Brady. A past winner, he came up a little short this February. But he’s still way more handsome than you.

Johnny Depp: Les Miles. He makes unconventional decisions, but you can’t argue with the results.

Tommy Lee Jones: Hanley Ramirez. Nominated for In the Valley of Elah, Jones gave a great performance that few people paid to see.

Viggo Mortensen: Maria Sharapova. He portrayed a Russian who was best remembered for a nude scene. (NOTE: The comparison is wishful thinking for male readers.)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Tilda Swinton: David Beckham. She’s a Brit who got lots of media attention in L.A. And she didn’t make Americans care about soccer.

Ruby Dee: Pat Summit. She’s a woman who’s been at it a long time and still gets the job done.

Saoirse Ronan: Sidney Crosby. She was up for prestigious awards despite being a teenager.

Amy Ryan: Bill Belichick. She portrayed a thoroughly unlikable character who lives in Boston.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Javier Bardem: Troy Polamalu. His character was distinctive for his brutality and his hair.

Casey Affleck: Serena Williams. He’s the younger sibling who turned out to be the more talented one.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Chris Douglas-Roberts. He uses three names and consistently gives strong performances.

Hal Holbrook: Joe Paterno. He’s in his 80’s but shows no signs of quitting.

Tom Wilkinson: Bruce Pearl. His character alternated between crazy and brilliant.

OTHER OSCAR FIGURES OF NOTE:

Diablo Cody: Jimmie Johnson. She prefers a fast pace and is familiar with the pole position.

Joel and Ethan Coen: Peyton and Eli Manning. They’re brothers who both got to experience the ultimate victory lately.

Jon Stewart: Isiah Thomas. He lives in New York and is a constant source of comedy.

Duke's Unselfish Week

2008-02-22T00:02:00.001-08:00

Around the country, the mere mention of the word “Duke” inspires hostility for millions of college basketball fans. However, Mike Krzyzewski and his Blue Devils deserve nothing but appreciation this week. Since Sunday, Duke has been a model of unselfishness.

The team’s exemplary behavior began with its trip to Wake Forest on Sunday night. Duke entered the contest at 10-0 in conference play and 22-1 overall. The prevailing wisdom among bracketologists was that the ACC would only place four of its twelve members into the NCAA tournament. Realizing that Wake could enter that discussion with a marquee victory, the Blue Devils went ahead and made that scenario a reality. As the Demon Deacons prevailed 86-73, Duke could take pride in advancing the cause of the conference. The truly unique aspect of the contest was that all five Blue Devils fouled out of the game. The referees even called three fouls on assistant coach Steve Wojciechowski, for flops he committed as a player in 1998.

Besides boosting Wake’s at-large chances, Duke also helped its biggest fan with the defeat. Dick Vitale recently returned to the airwaves after literally being silenced for much of the season after throat surgery. Knowing that Dickie V would be calling the Memphis-Tennessee showdown this coming Saturday, the Blue Devils wanted to give him the privilege of broadcasting a 1-vs.-2 matchup. With Sunday’s setback, Duke relinquished the #2 ranking in favor of the Volunteers. In gratitude, Vitale promised to mention the Cameron Crazies and Coach K as much as possible during the Tigers-Vols showdown, making it just like every other non-Duke game he broadcasts.

Not content to merely assist the ACC and Dickie V, Coach K advanced the cause of college basketball in general during a radio interview after the Wake loss. Noting that guard Nolan Smith had recently been playing through a knee injury, Coach K remarked, “unlike other schools we don’t release our injuries.” Believing that “other schools” was a thinly-veiled reference to North Carolina, UNC coach Roy Williams shot back on his radio show with a message to “coach their own damn team, I’ll coach my team.” While Roger Clemens, the Daytona 500, and the recent NBA trading frenzy still commanded the sports headlines, there’s nothing like a bit of sniping between the sport’s biggest rivals to get some attention for college basketball. If nothing else, it was much more fun and juicy than talking about Kelvin Sampson’s phone bills. Coach K surely knew that this media frenzy would ensue after making his comments. When it comes to slights against his team, Roy’s skin is thinner than a coked-up runway model.

Duke once again showed its conference loyalty in Wednesday’s 96-95 loss at Miami. The Hurricanes entered on the wrong side of the tournament bubble and desperately needed a high-quality win. Joe Lunardi certainly took notice as the Blue Devils accommodated the hosts with a season-high 23 turnovers. Miami’s Dwayne Collins tallied a career-high 26 points, leaving Duke assistant Chris Collins highly impressed. Remarked Chris, “Who would ever expect a guy named Collins to play so well in a Duke game?”

By dropping consecutive games on the road, Duke also brought joy to the opposing fans. ACC crowds always exert extra energy when the Blue Devils or Tar Heels come for a visit. However, until Sunday, Duke was unblemished in conference play, while UNC’s two defeats both came at home. In losing back-to-back contests, the Blue Devils put a stop to this season’s appalling lack of court-stormings by ACC fans.

It is not surprising that a team led by Coach K would be so unselfish these days. Krzyzewski is a devout Roman Catholic, so Lent is an important time for him. Coach K believes that everyone should be willing to sacrifice something. As a prime example, he cited the Duke football program, which gave up winning when Steve Spurrier left for Florida.

After this string of unselfishness, Duke cannot be blamed if it proceeds to blow out St. John’s this Saturday. However, rival fans have to appreciate the Blue Devils’ efforts in recent days. Only one thing would make them happier: seeing those same results in March.

More Superhero Dunks for Howard

2008-02-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

Saturday night, Orlando’s Dwight Howard dazzled the All-Star crowd in New Orleans by winning the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. In the most enduring image, Howard donned a Superman costume and threw one down with cape in tow. Some may wonder what the Magic big man can do for an encore if he chooses to defend his title in Phoenix next year. Clearly the Superman theme worked for Howard this year, so he should expand his repertoire to include other superheroes. Here are some possibilities, in alphabetical order.

Aquaman: With the court at US Airways Center completely underwater, Howard swims from one basket to another and emerges to throw down a thunderous slam.

Batman: Howard dunks after jumping over a rookie teammate forced to dress as Robin. In his front-row seat, Jack Nicholson laughs maniacally as The Joker.

Blade: Howard kills a vampire before every dunk. Then, continuing the Wesley Snipes theme, he hustles his competitors with the help of Woody Harrelson.

Captain America: Each dunk has Howard slamming over Yao Ming, Dirk Nowitzki, or another foreign-born All-Star.

Flash: Using superhuman speed, Howard dunks 300 times within the span of a minute. An added bonus: if he actually misses a few, the judges will never notice.

Ghost Rider: Howard takes off on a fiery motorcycle and throws down a slam. In a tribute to the Fonz, Howard’s motorcycle jump goes over Jerry Tarkanian.

Green Lantern: Instead of going to the basket, Howard uses his power ring to bring the basket to him. The dunking part’s easy after that.

Hulk: Howard turns green, busts out of his shirt in a rage, slams the ball through the hoop, and hurls the basket at the front row of spectators.

Iron Man: Howard throws one down while wearing a suit of armor. Michael Jordan often had to use this tactic when he played against the Knicks.

Plastic Man: With his ridiculously long reach, Howard dunks from the three-point line, simultaneously winning the Slam Dunk Contest and the Three-Point Shootout.

Spider-Man: Howard spins a web to the roof, swings his way to a ferocious dunk, and kisses Kirsten Dunst while hanging upside-down.

Storm: After creating a tornado in the arena, Howard slams through the turbulent conditions. He still keeps the arena dry, since commissioner David Stern has issued a strict edict against “making it rain” during All-Star Weekend.

Wolverine: The dunk-a-thon for Howard continues, even though he repeatedly punctures the ball with his razor-sharp claws.

Wonder Woman: Howard transforms into a hot woman, jumps from his invisible jet to throw down a slam, and reels in his competitors with a lasso.

A Roger Clemens Spin on Samuel Clemens

2008-02-15T05:30:00.000-08:00

One of the giants of American literature, Mark Twain was born Samuel Langhorne Clemens. These days, most sports fans view another Clemens as a prolific storyteller. Roger’s testimony before Congress may not endure as long as Twain’s works. However, the Rocket is quite knowledgeable about his namesake author. Here’s a look at how today’s Clemens views ten famous works from the earlier Clemens.

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: Twain’s masterpiece is among the books most frequently banned from libraries. Since it is a banned substance, Roger denies that Brian McNamee ever injected Huck Finn into his buttocks.

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: Tom nobly took a whipping to protect sweetheart Becky Thatcher. But Roger would advise Tom, “If anyone asks about HGH, say Becky’s the one who took it.”

The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County: Roger insists that the frog’s jumping was due solely to his religious workout regimen, and he was never injected with anything other than B-12.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court: Whether in the 1800s, medieval England, or 2008, Roger doesn’t think a Yankee should have to show up in ANYONE’S court.

The Gilded Age: Roger insists, “I never took gilds during the Gilded Age, so there’s no way I could have taken steroids during the Steroid Era!”

Innocents Abroad: “It’s Samuel Clemens’ Innocents Abroad,” notes Roger. “Shorten that, and you get ‘Clemens innocent.’ Case closed!”

Life on the Mississippi: “The Mighty Mississippi is a natural wonder,” states Roger. “So why can’t I be mighty and natural?”

The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg: Roger emphasizes, “I’ve never played in Hadleyburg, so you can’t pin that one on me!”

The Prince and the Pauper: Asked why the book has a happy ending, Roger replies, “Because the pauper never told lies about the prince to George Mitchell!”

Pudd’nhead Wilson: “Okay, this one got published when Twain was 58,” remarks an annoyed Roger. “But I’m supposed to be washed up in my 30s??? Come on!!!”

"UNC Defeats Clemson in Chapel Hill," Plus Similar Headlines

2008-02-11T22:09:00.000-08:00

For North Carolina fans, it was nearly the worst back-to-back regular season scenario imaginable. Coming off a defeat to hated Duke on Wednesday, the Tar Heels were perilously close to their first-ever home loss against Clemson Sunday night. However, despite never leading in regulation, UNC managed to prevail 103-93 in double-overtime. As a result, Carolina is now 53-0 against the Tigers in Chapel Hill, and “The Streak” lives on for at least another year.

Clemson was, for much of the evening, the better team in the Smith Center. However, in the end, the result was this utterly predictable headline: “UNC Defeats Clemson in Chapel Hill.” Here are a number of other headlines - inside and outside the sports world - carrying a similar level of surprise.

Cleveland Falls Short of Championship
Lohan Involved in Auto Mishap
Clemens Steroid Case Takes Bizarre Turn
Opposing Fan Calls Belichick “Arrogant”
Critics Blast New Sandler Film
Bengal Taken Into Custody
Bush’s Approval Rating Declines
Yankees Lead MLB in Payroll
Sitcom Focuses On Fat Guy With Hot Wife
Clippers Face Rebuilding Season
Major Title Eludes Sergio
Hot August Predicted For Phoenix
Fans Heap Scorn on BCS
Marlins Play Before Sparse Crowd
L.A. Drivers Confronted By Gridlock
Knick Fans Show Disgust Toward Isiah
Sharpton, Limbaugh Disagree On Several Issues
Saban Accepts New Coaching Job
Pope Endorses Prayer Habit
Vitale Portrays Duke in Positive Light

ACC Halftime Report

2008-02-08T07:03:00.000-08:00

We’ve reached the midpoint of conference play in the ACC basketball season. How do things look? In order of the current standings, here are some quick hits on each of the 12 teams.

Duke: 8-0 Conference; 20-1 Overall. Coach K has the Devils at the top of their game, and now we know why he was chosen to coach at the Beijing Olympics this summer. It’s the Year of the Rat in China.

North Carolina: 6-2; 21-2. Ty Lawson’s injury is only a temporary issue. The long-range problem? There’s no “D” in “Tar Heels.”

Clemson: 5-3; 17-5. The Tigers desperately hope to end their winless streak in Chapel Hill this Sunday. If UNC somehow falls to 52-1, the ’72 Dolphins will storm the Smith Center court.

Maryland: 5-3; 15-8. Bambale Osby is fulfilling the promise he showed at Carver High School in the late 70’s. Any White Shadow fans out there?

Virginia Tech: 5-4; 14-9. Three of the Hokies’ conference wins have come in overtime. So they’re hoping that all ACC Tournament games will be scheduled for 45 minutes.

North Carolina State: 4-4; 15-7. Freshman star J.J. Hickson gives ACC fans what they’ve wanted for years: a J.J.-led team that’s completely mediocre.

Georgia Tech: 4-4; 11-10. In conference, the Yellow Jackets are 1-3 at home and 3-1 on the road. Is Eli Manning their point guard?

Wake Forest: 3-5; 13-8. The future looks bright, and Chris Paul is lighting up the NBA. But once again, I have to ask: why does the Demon Deacon mascot wear a bowtie on his CHIN? Somebody answer me!

Boston College: 3-5; 12-9. The Eagles have dropped five straight games. Fortunately for them, Boston fans are way more disappointed by a team that’s lost 1 of its last 19.

Florida State: 3-6; 14-10. Guard Isaiah Swann is out with a torn ACL. Unlike for other FSU athletes, this ACL stands for Anterior Cruciate Ligament, not Academic Cheating Loss.

Miami: 2-6; 15-7. This slumping Miami team can’t help itself by trading Shaq.

Virginia: 1-7; 11-10. At 10-2 when the new year arrived, they’re just 1-8 since. Giuliani’s had a less disappointing 2008.

Perfection Denied, From 1 To 19

2008-02-04T00:55:00.000-08:00

In a historic upset Sunday, the New York Giants stunned the previously undefeated New England Patriots 17-14 to win Super Bowl XLII. The Pats had been expected to cap off an unprecedented 19-0 season, but they ended up 35 seconds short of their goal. Here’s a by-the-numbers look, from 1 to 19, at perfection denied.

1: Notre Dame’s ranking in November 1993, before an upset by Boston College. So the whole “ruining a perfect season” thing is old hat for Tom Coughlin.

2: As in Rocky II, which showed that sometimes the overwhelming underdog doesn’t win until the rematch. Next, the Giants get to take on Clubber Lang.

3: Margin by which New York defeated Miami at Wembley Stadium in the first regular-season NFL game played outside of North America. As of now, every NFL team to win a regular season game in London has gone on to win the Super Bowl.

4: Receptions during the entire regular season by the Giants’ David Tyree. So in the Super Bowl, it’s only natural that he caught a touchdown and had an insanely amazing catch on the game-winning drive.

5: New York’s seed in the NFC playoffs, marking the third consecutive year a team playing on wild card weekend went on to win the Super Bowl. Next year, look for the top two seeds to refuse their opening round bye.

6: Computer rankings used by the BCS. The NFL would rather have a playoff, allowing the Giants the chance to play their way to a championship. I know, it’s crazy.

7: Feature films directed by Michael Bay, a graduate of Wesleyan. Unlike fellow Wesleyan alum Bill Belichick, he’s SUPPOSED to be known for his filming activity.

8: Surprisingly low number of Brady Bunch episodes with an appearance by Sam the Butcher, played by Allan Melvin. Melvin died on January 17, providing a distraction for all Bradys.

9: Carries on Sunday by New York’s Ahmad Bradshaw, for 45 yards. As Super Bowl history has shown, it’s good to have a Bradshaw on your side.

10: 1979 film in which Bo Derek represented perfection. Unfortunately for the Patriots, perfection in the NFL was also a 70’s thing.

11: Consecutive victories for New York outside of Giants Stadium. Like most people, their outlook improves just by leaving New Jersey.

12: Points by which New England was favored on Sunday, as fans of every other team pulled for the Giants. Because nothing says “lovable underdog” more than a New York team.

13: Super Bowls won by quarterbacks drafted #1 overall, now that Eli Manning has joined the list. Tim Couch could do it too, if someone would just give him the chance!

14: Ranking of Some Like It Hot on the American Film Institute’s 1998 list of the 100 best American films. Its famous last line was: “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

15: Age of Miley Cyrus, a/k/a Hannah Montana, whose concert movie is currently #1 at the box office. In crunch time, Eli did his own Montana impression.

16: Points scored by New England in the “Tuck Rule” game, which began its remarkable post-season success under Belichick. This time, Justin’s pass rush had Giants fans screaming, “Tuck Rules!!!”

17: Jersey number of Plaxico Burress, who had predicted that the Patriots would score 17. Instead, his winning touchdown put the Giants at 17, much to the delight of those 17-0 Dolphins.

18: Games won by the 1985 Bears, the last 18-1 team before New England. That Super Bowl wasn’t much fun for Pats fans either.

19: Like the Patriots, I didn’t quite manage to finish this one.

Other Bold Predictions From Plaxico

2008-01-31T06:43:00.000-08:00

This week, Plaxico Burress made headlines by predicting that his underdog New York Giants will beat the undefeated New England Patriots 23-17 in Sunday’s Super Bowl. What went unreported is that Burress made several other bold predictions for the upcoming weekend. Here’s a look at Plaxico’s other prognostications.

The Patriots’ opening drive will stall, after Tom Brady receives a 15-yard penalty for “Excessive Dreaminess.”

The Memphis Tigers will be stunned at home by UTEP on Saturday, because no one leaves this weekend undefeated.

Like many dropouts, Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards will hitchhike across America and try to find themselves.

Cate Blanchett will be booted from the Oscar race after a positive steroid test.

A Super Bowl commercial will spark controversy by not including any Mannings.

During Sunday mass, Pope Benedict XVI will reference “the Gospel of Larry the Cable Guy…”

Skies in Des Moines will be mostly cloudy with a slight chance of precipitation.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will open the Super Bowl halftime show with “Baby Got Back.”

As a Minnesota sports star, Adrian Peterson will prepare for his upcoming trade to a team in the Northeast.

Punxsutawney Phil will see his shadow, resulting in six more weeks of the writers’ strike.

Auburn University will expel students supporting Barack Obama, since he has “Bama” in his name.

Sit ‘N Sleep will beat anyone’s advertised price or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

After cutting interest rates, the Federal Reserve will announce plans to cut the Knicks’ payroll.

Ozzy Osbourne will demand that February be changed from Black History Month to Black Sabbath History Month.

The 2008 Pro Football Hall of Fame class will include the guy who invented the Cheesehead.

Rutgers Now Known As "Keystone Knights"

2008-01-27T22:22:00.000-08:00

A perennial doormat in the Big East, the Rutgers men’s basketball team raised eyebrows with an almost unprecedented week. For the second time in the program’s history, the Scarlet Knights notched consecutive victories over ranked opponents. RU followed up Wednesday’s upset over #18 Villanova with a road stunner over 17th-ranked Pittsburgh on Saturday. Clearly the state of Pennsylvania is being good to Rutgers these days, so coach Fred Hill wanted his players to have a constant reminder of the Keystone State. Therefore, the team will be known as the Keystone Knights for the remainder of the season.

Along with an earlier victory over Lafayette, the Keystone Knights are now 3-0 versus Pennsylvania teams this season. Excluding those triumphs, Rutgers is just 7-11 overall and 0-6 in the Big East. Certainly the Sunshine Knights would not have worked, as RU fell to Florida and South Florida by a combined 48 points. The Keystone Cops might have been appropriate, except the actual Keystone Cops committed fewer turnovers. These Rutgers hoopsters had generated so little interest, Don Imus didn’t even bother making racially insensitive remarks about them.

Therefore, no one could have expected the developments of the past week. The 80-68 home win over Villanova was certainly a surprise. Far more shocking was the 77-64 triumph in Pittsburgh. The Knights’ only previous road victory of the season came over the winless New Jersey Institute of Technology. Perhaps this week, they were inspired by another local team – the Giants, who have won ten straight games away from home. It’s a good thing Rutgers wasn’t watching the Nets, who just completed an 0-6 road trip with a loss in Minnesota. Right now, NJIT is begging for a shot at the Nets.

Clearly the Knights were the more focused team against the Panthers during Saturday’s telecast on ESPN Classic. It’s highly possible that seeing the phrases “Rutgers Basketball” and “ESPN Classic” together left Pitt in a state of confusion. Reporters on hand were also perplexed, leading them to frequently use the schools’ initials of “RU” in the post-game press conference. The first question posed to Coach Hill was, “Two wins in a row against ranked teams - RU f***ing kidding me?” Another reporter followed up, “Seriously, RU f***ing kidding me?” This went on for another five minutes.

The pleasant surprise of those two victories was followed by a disappointing realization. Rutgers has no more games on the schedule versus Pennsylvania opponents. The Knights only play Villanova and Pittsburgh once apiece, since the Big East currently includes 52 teams. Hill considered adding a matchup with the 76ers, but he didn’t want to weaken the schedule.

Knowing that he needed to keep the Keystone State fresh in his team’s mind, Hill came up with the idea for the “Keystone Knights” nickname. The choice was not quite a slam dunk, since Rutgers is also undefeated over opponents from North Dakota and New Hampshire. However, ultimately the “Keystone Knights” won out over the “Live Free and Die Scarlets.”

The nickname change is only temporary and does not extend to the other sports teams at Rutgers. The men’s basketball adjustment will also include a tweaking of the mascot. Instead of evoking images of jousting and chivalry, the Keystone Knight mascot will be a student dressed up as Bobby Knight, angrily hurling cans of Keystone Beer at spectators.

It remains to be seen whether the name change can help Rutgers against its remaining opponents. But even in Louisville or West Virginia, the Keystone Knights will always have Pennsylvania.

The Annual Oscars Primer For Sports Fans

2008-01-22T07:01:00.000-08:00

The big news in Hollywood today was this morning’s announcement of the nominations for the 80th annual Academy Awards. Leading up to the big night on February 24, most of the attention will be placed on the high-profile categories of Best Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, and Supporting Actress. Amazingly, just like last year, every film nominated in those six categories contains a sports-related theme. Here’s a primer:

American Gangster: In a survey of boxing fans, the most common occupation is revealed.

The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford: As a precursor to modern-day bowl games, a showdown is given a long, clumsy title.

Atonement: Lawrence Tynes describes his overtime experience at Lambeau Field.

Away From Her: In reference to Jessica Simpson, Cowboys fans tell Tony Romo where to go.

Charlie Wilson’s War: Staying with the Cowboys, Dallas quarterbacks coach Wade Wilson (born Charles Wade Wilson) describes a discussion about teamwork with Terrell Owens.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: In an effort to slow down Michael Phelps at the Olympics, he is forced to swim the 200-meter butterfly with a cowbell around his neck.

Eastern Promises: After changing conferences, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen find a nice alternative to Western Disappointments.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age: In a stunning last-minute reversal, the 2008 Summer Olympics are moved from Beijing to Elizabeth, New Jersey.

Gone Baby Gone: The LSU basketball program struggles after the departure of Glen Davis.

I’m Not There: Larry Brown responds to the question, “What do you like most about the New York Knicks?”

In the Valley of Elah: That’s the Biblical site where David took down Goliath. Or as it was known last September, Ann Arbor.

Into the Wild: Minnesota hockey fans talk about their team.

Juno: Hawaii football boosters express heartbreak at the departure of Coach Jones: “June!!! No!!!”

La Vie En Rose: I’m not sure what this one is about, but it has a French title, so it makes Roger Federer jealous.

Michael Clayton: It’s a day in the life of Tampa Bay wide receiver Michael Clayton, who looks remarkably like George Clooney.

No Country For Old Men: Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds find out what Major League Baseball will be in 2008.

The Savages: A Philly athlete describes the home fans.

Sweeney Todd: The Colorado Rockies acquire Mike Sweeney, who platoons at first base with Todd Helton.

There Will Be Blood: Gerald Henderson offers a pre-game assessment of a UNC-Duke showdown.

Giants' Request: Move Super Bowl To Foxborough

2008-01-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

The matchup for Super Bowl XLII is set, as the underdog New York Giants will attempt to knock off the undefeated New England Patriots. The showdown is scheduled for February 3 in Glendale, Arizona, but the NFC champions reportedly want a change of venue. According to a source close to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the Giants have requested that the game be moved to Gillette Stadium in Foxborough.

On that site yesterday, the Patriots moved one step closer to history with a 21-12 victory over the San Diego Chargers in the AFC championship game. The Giants punched their ticket by winning a 23-20 overtime classic in Green Bay. The NFC matchup was most notable for the frigid conditions at Lambeau Field, reminiscent of the Ice Bowl in 1967. Or as it would be known today, the Ben & Jerry’s Ice Bowl Presented by Frigidaire.

The triumph was New York’s third straight on an opponent’s home field in these playoffs. The Giants seem to thrive in front of the hostile opposing fans, much more than they do before the hostile home fans. Overall, the Giants have not lost a road game since the season opener at Dallas on September 9. For these New Yorkers in 2007, everything changed after 9/11. Therefore, during his presidential campaign, Rudy Giuliani is taking credit for the Giants’ road success.

Head Coach Tom Coughlin remarked that New York is entitled to another game on an opponent’s home field. He pointed out that the Giants’ “road” game against Miami was actually at a neutral site in London. Therefore, playing the “neutral site” Super Bowl on the Pats’ home field would only be fair. Coughlin added, “This neutral site thing doesn’t work for us. We beat a 1-15 team by a measly three points. So what hope do we have against an 18-0 team on a neutral site? Let us go to their place, where we have a chance!”

The Patriots, of course, are perfect at Gillette Stadium this season. However, New York General Manager Jerry Reese enthusiastically echoed his coach’s comments, saying, “They’re undefeated – they deserve a home game!” Reese also pointed out, “Boston just hosted the World Series, and it will probably host the NBA Finals. So no matter what sport, Boston fans feel entitled to host the championship round. Why should we get in the way of that?”

Despite their arguments, the Giants’ request is unlikely to be granted. While the Super Bowl crowns the NFL champions, the event’s reach goes well beyond football. Huge numbers of parties and corporate events have already been scheduled for Arizona. Reese countered, “The Super Bowl is supposed to be for football fans, not big corporations.” At that point, even he doubled over in laughter at the absurdity of his statement.

Besides the logistical nightmare of a last-minute rescheduling, the other huge stumbling block to a Foxborough Super Bowl would be the weather concerns. Early February in Massachusetts, in an outdoor stadium, could bring a blizzard for the showcase game. Coughlin pointed out, “Well, what about last year? They had it in Miami, and it rained like hell!” Inclement weather could even the playing field against the Patriots, but Coughlin has another reason to wish this year’s Super Bowl were like last year. He has a Manning on his side, but the opposing quarterback is definitely not Rex Grossman.

As it stands, the Giants will likely have to endure the huge disadvantage of a neutral field, instead of the comforts of the hostile crowd in Foxborough. However, they can still find reason for hope, thanks to their narrow defeat to New England in the regular season finale. As Michael Strahan proclaimed, “We almost beat them before. And this time, we won’t have to play them at our place!”

10 Things To Look For On MLK Day

2008-01-17T15:37:00.000-08:00

This Monday, the most enduring figure of the Civil Rights Movement will be honored on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The NBA will be highly visible on the holiday, with 13 games scheduled. Besides the on-court action, here are 10 other things to look for in the sports world on MLK Day.

The Houston Rockets will trade Luther Head to Sacramento, where he will join Kevin Martin. So you’ll see Martin and Luther on the Kings.

The New England Patriots will refer to MLK Day as MK Day, since the letter “L” doesn’t apply to them.

Sprinter Tim will refuse to watch footage of Jerome Bettis, thereby imposing a Montgomery Bus Boycott.

Roger Clemens will stick up for another player named in the Mitchell Report, proclaiming: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to David Justice everywhere.”

John Calipari will join the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, explaining, “Finally, I’m in a Conference that's worth something!”

After LeBron asks who wrote the 95 Theses in 1517, a teammate will reply, “Martin Luther, King James.”

A high-scoring NBA guard of the 70s and 80s will recall the day he changed his name: “World B. Free at last, World B. Free at last, thank God almighty I’m World B. Free at last.”

Appropriately on a holiday honoring a Junior, Ken Griffey and Dale Earnhardt will have the day off.

Rudy Tomjanovich will explain why he coached two NBA champions: “I had The Dream.”

The Redskins will trade Clinton Portis to Buffalo for Marshawn Lynch as part of their “Marshawn Washington” tribute.

All About the Turners For Chargers

2008-01-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

Next weekend, the Indianapolis Colts were supposed to have another AFC Championship showdown with the New England Patriots. However, the San Diego Chargers will make the trip to Foxborough instead, after closing out the RCA Dome with a 28-24 upset on Sunday. The triumph provided vindication for first-year coach Norv Turner, whose predecessor Marty Schottenheimer never took San Diego to the conference championship game. Among other unlikely heroes, Norv can thank backup running back Michael Turner, who replaced injured star LaDainian Tomlinson and rushed for 71 yards. Indeed, the Turner influence is all around for these Chargers.

Tina Turner once sang, “We don’t need another hero,” but San Diego needed heroes wherever it could find them after LT was injured. Missing their superstar, the Chargers were like Turner & Hooch without Tom Hanks. Michael Turner is considered a fine back, but in Pirates of the Caribbean terms, he’s the Will Turner next to LT’s Captain Jack Sparrow. Quarterback Philip Rivers was also knocked out, so Norv Turner figured to meet the same fate versus the Indianapolis defense as brother Ron Turner, offensive coordinator for Chicago in last year’s Super Bowl. Granted, Ron Turner’s problem was that HIS quarterback stayed healthy.

Still, the Chargers persevered before the cameras of CBS, not to be confused with TBS (Turner Broadcasting System). Led by Shawne Merriman and Antonio Cromartie, the defense was as hard-hitting as Ike Turner. Whereas Lana Turner was Oscar-nominated for Peyton Place, San Diego gave an award-worthy performance in Peyton’s place. The improbable result was the biggest win in San Diego sports since the Padres took down the Braves in the 1998 NLCS, to the chagrin of Ted Turner.

Now, with an injured roster headed to New England, the Chargers will need some Strong Medicine for their Northern Exposure (both series starring Janine Turner). On February 3, most NFL fans expect Tom Brady to collect his fourth Super Bowl ring, like former San Francisco linebacker Keena Turner. However, San Diego wants to pull a shocker like the Jets in Super Bowl III, in which Jim Turner kicked three field goals and an extra point. Speaking of those Jets, I guarantee Joe Namath wants to kiss Kathleen Turner.

Indeed, like Bachman Turner Overdrive, the Chargers vow, “You ain’t seen nothing yet” as they attempt to knock off the undefeated Patriots. If they succeed, just one step will remain. Or in the profound words of Warrant (founded by Erik Turner), “Heaven isn’t too far away.”

A Comparison of Hillarys

2008-01-11T07:38:00.000-08:00

Mountain climbing is not the usual fare here. However, I’ll make an exception due to Friday’s passing of Sir Edmund Hillary, who accomplished one of the great athletic feats in history. 55 years ago, accompanied by Tenzing Norgay, Hillary became the first person to reach the top of Mount Everest.

Of course, another Hillary is in the news these days, attempting to achieve her own historic first. Back when she was the First Lady, Hillary Clinton once met the famed New Zealander in Katmandu. Afterwards, referring to her mother, Clinton remarked to reporters, “So when I was born, she called me Hillary and she always told me it’s because of Sir Edmund Hillary.” Hillary Rodham was born six years before Sir Edmund’s historic climb, so Mrs. Clinton’s comment was clearly inspired by his message of “nothing is impossible.” Here’s a look at how the two Hillarys compare in other ways.

Edmund Hillary: Received worldwide attention this week for dying.
Hillary Clinton: Received worldwide attention this week for crying.

Edmund Hillary: Hugely famous in capital city of Wellington.
Hillary Clinton: Hugely famous in capital city of Washington.

Edmund Hillary: Elated after going up on Everest.
Hillary Clinton: Irate after intern went down on her husband.

Edmund Hillary: Reached the summit in ’53.
Hillary Clinton: Reached the Senate at age 53.

Edmund Hillary: Glory was achieved with Sherpa.
Hillary Clinton: Glory is threatened by Obama.

Edmund Hillary: Founder of the Himalayan Trust.
Hillary Clinton: Target of the Republicans’ mistrust.

Edmund Hillary: Cheered for his health care efforts in Nepal.
Hillary Clinton: Jeered for her health care efforts in the U.S.

Edmund Hillary: Beloved by New Zealand citizens.
Hillary Clinton: Beloved by 39% of New Hampshire Democrats.

Edmund Hillary: Had to overcome icy conditions.
Hillary Clinton: Had to overcome icy image.

Edmund Hillary: Was at home on the mountain.
Hillary Clinton: Is at home on Capitol Hill.

Edmund Hillary: Featured on the 5-dollar bill.
Hillary Clinton: Raises millions of dollars with Bill.

Edmund Hillary: Relished his ascents on peaks.
Hillary Clinton: Regrets her assent for Iraq War.

Edmund Hillary: Became Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire.
Hillary Clinton: Became Junior Senator from the Empire State.

Edmund Hillary: Insisted on wearing the proper climbing gear.
Hillary Clinton: Insists on wearing the proper pant suit.

Edmund Hillary: Labored to reach the North and South Poles.
Hillary Clinton: Labeled as “polarizing.”

Edmund Hillary: Enjoyed the view at 29,000 feet.
Hillary Clinton: Enjoyed the view at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

SEC Basketball Champ To Beat Ohio State in National Title Game

2008-01-08T11:09:00.001-08:00

The present-day field of 65 for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament has led some observers to claim that major conference tournaments are not particularly important these days. However, this year’s Southeastern Conference tournament will have plenty of meaning. Thomas O’Connor, Chairman of the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee, announced today that the winner of the SEC basketball tournament will defeat Ohio State in the national championship game.

The surprising announcement came on the heels of last night’s BCS National Championship Game, in which the football Buckeyes fell 38-24 to LSU. Like Florida in both football and basketball last year, the Tigers won the SEC championship in the Georgia Dome before going on to beat OSU in the national title game. This year’s SEC basketball tournament is also in the Georgia Dome, so the Selection Committee naturally assumed the pattern would continue this April in San Antonio. Ohio State AD Gene Smith, a Selection Committee member himself, remarked, “As a sports fan these days, there are two things you can be sure of: An SEC team will beat the Buckeyes for the national title, and your favorite athlete is on steroids.”

Last night’s setback continued an amazing pattern of futility for OSU football versus the SEC. Whereas Jim Tressel’s whipping boy Lloyd Carr went 5-2 in bowls against the SEC, the Buckeyes fell to 0-9 all-time versus the powerhouse conference in bowl games. Fully aware of this trend, new Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez has petitioned SEC Commissioner Michael Silve to allow the Wolverines to claim a one-week membership in the SEC each November. As for the Buckeyes, only the Democratic Party has had more trouble with the Deep South.

For the OSU basketball team, today’s announcement actually represents a pleasant surprise. While currently on course for this year’s NCAA tournament, the 11-3 Buckeyes are a far cry from last season’s juggernaut that featured Greg Oden and Mike Conley, Jr. However, while that team had to sweat out dramatic comeback victories over Xavier and Tennessee in the Big Dance, this rebuilding group is already assured of a spot in the championship game. In fact, the team plans to take a cue from its football counterpart. After Michigan visits Columbus on February 5, the Buckeyes will cancel their remaining games. Therefore, like Jim Tressel’s crew, the hoopsters can follow a matchup against the Wolverines with a two-month layoff before the title game.

The news was far less popular in towns like Chapel Hill, Memphis, and Lawrence. One UCLA supporter was particularly miffed, noting that a pre-set championship matchup will eliminate the need for tournament pools. That anonymous fan, who may or may not be the Bruins’ new football coach, angrily exclaimed, “Now I have to find new NCAA rules to violate!” Another fan remarked, “It’s totally ridiculous when you put two teams into a championship game without a tournament leading up to it!” Overhearing, some nearby men in colorful blazers remarked, “Ridiculous? I think you meant to say, ‘Awesome!’”

On the other hand, a tremendous opportunity will be presented to the members of the SEC. Surprising unbeatens Vanderbilt and Mississippi can now dream of a national championship. However, the most likely beneficiary is Tennessee, as the highest-ranking conference team in the polls. The Volunteers could avenge last season’s Sweet 16 defeat and potentially even be part of dual national championships with Pat Summit’s Lady Vols. Tennessee also hosts Ohio State on January 19, so like Florida last season, it could defeat the Buckeyes twice in the same season. Most significantly, beating OSU in the title game would allow coach Bruce Pearl an opportunity to act like a lunatic on a Monday night in April. Meaning that he would act like “Bruce Pearl on a Monday night.”

The LSU hoopsters seem unlikely to repeat Florida’s football-basketball feat from last year, given their 7-7 record. However, the Tigers do have a legitimate chance to win the SEC if they can suit up Shaquille O’Neal and the ghost of Pete Maravich. As for the rebuilding Gators, most observers are hoping that they don’t rule the SEC this time around. Although the Buckeyes actually beat them in Columbus, forcing Ohio State to lose another national championship game to UF would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Elsewhere, Kentucky would seem to be a natural for the championship game, if they were fielding a basketball team this year. Perhaps the most intriguing possibility is Georgia. The Bulldogs will have proximity in their favor for the SEC tournament in Atlanta. A triumph there would result in a dream matchup with Ohio State in the Alamodome. This particular dream is the one in which Maurice Clarett enrolls in a class taught by Jim Harrick, Jr.

Until then, the Buckeyes must wait to see which SEC opponent will beat them in the next national championship game. With two consecutive title game appearances, OSU fans will certainly be pleased with head coach Thad Matta. His name alone makes the Buckeye fans happy: no S, E, or C to be found.

Ups & Downs of the Bowl Season

2008-01-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

29 of the 32 bowl games have been played, including all but one of the BCS matchups. Who’s been up, and who’s been down? Let’s take a look.

Up: Temple. Missouri’s Tony Temple rushed for 281 yards and four touchdowns, and Temple coach Al Golden took himself out of the running for the UCLA job.
Down: UCLA. Some guy decided he’d rather coach at Temple.

Up: New Year’s Eve Cowboys. Oklahoma State routed Indiana in the Insight Bowl.
Down: New Year’s Day Indians. The Illini went down in flames versus USC. But at least the Rose Bowl Committee kept their traditional Big Ten-Pac 10 matchup. And thank God, since those Rose Bowls with Texas were total yawners.

Up: Florida Atlantic. The Owls earned their first-ever bowl victory by downing Memphis.
Down: The Rest of Florida. Central Florida, South Florida, Florida State, and Florida all went down to defeat. For good measure, the ’72 Dolphins had a lousy week, too.

Up: Red. The Texas Tech Red Raiders rallied to win the Gator Bowl, and Red Grange was named the greatest college football player of all time by ESPN.
Down: Yellow on Blue. The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets flopped on the blue turf. I know the game is ACC vs. WAC, but someone should figure out a way to put the Volunteers in the Humanitarian Bowl.

Up: Carr. The Wolverines gave Lloyd a victorious send-off.
Down: Stars. The top three Heisman finishers (Tim Tebow, Darren McFadden, and Colt Brennan) all lost. Somewhere, Chase Daniel is smiling.

Up: Boston College. The Eagles won a bowl game for the eighth straight year, downing Michigan State in the Champs Sports Bowl.
Down: Boston College. No one cares when you win eight straight mediocre bowl games.

Up: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia. Oh, sorry. I thought we were talking about hoops.
Down: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia. We’re actually talking about Stoops.

Up: Mister Burns. Kodi Burns’s touchdown run in overtime led Auburn past Clemson.
Down: Sideshow Bob. An online cheating scandal was a huge distraction for Bobby Bowden. Just one more reason for an old man to fear computers.

Up: Boilermakers. Led by Curtis Painter’s 546 passing yards, Purdue won the Motor City Bowl.
Down: AA. Star Houston running back Anthony Aldridge had just 30 yards rushing in a Texas Bowl loss. The game was on NFL Network, but for some reason CBS and NBC passed on simulcasting this one.

Up: Pac-10 in Texas. Cal and Oregon ended losing streaks with victories in Fort Worth and El Paso, respectively.
Down: Pac-10 vs. Texas. Arizona State was pounded by the Longhorns. ESPN even showed some live action on occasion, in between the endless shots of Mack Brown’s stepson.

Up: Erik Ainge. The Tennessee quarterback threw for 340 yards and two touchdowns in a victory over Wisconsin.
Down: Erik Ainge’s Offensive Coordinator. David Cutcliffe now takes over at Duke. “Accepting the Duke football job” is the sporting equivalent of “entering the witness protection program.”

Up: Mangino. The Kansas coach knocked off Virginia Tech to cap a 12-1 season.
Down: Reno. Nevada lost 23-0 to New Mexico in the New Mexico Bowl. Apparently, you only get to score if your team is part of the bowl’s name.

Up: East and West. East Carolina and West Virginia pulled upset wins.
Down: Central. Central Michigan and Central Florida both went down to defeat. On the bright side, Comedy Central gets The Daily Show and The Colbert Report back, resuming action Monday after a long layoff. Just like Ohio State.

Up: Bulldogs. Mississippi State, Fresno State, and Georgia all won.
Down: Bulls. South Florida got waxed by Oregon in the Sun Bowl. Paying homage to neighboring Mexico, these Bulls played matador defense.

Up: The Beaver. Oregon State moved to 9-4 with a win over Maryland.
Down: June. Coach Jones and his Hawaii Warriors had a tough trip to New Orleans. Louisiana trips are a lot more pleasant when you’re playing LA Tech.

Up: 81 For Coach Joe. 81-year-old Joe Paterno got an Alamo Bowl victory.
Down: 31 For Coach Groh. Up 28-14 with four minutes remaining, Virginia lost 31-28 to Texas Tech. The ACC was 0-5 from New Year’s Eve onward. In this one, ACC stood for “Al’s Cavaliers Choked.”

NFL Playoffs: The Collins Edition

2007-12-31T07:25:00.000-08:00

Sunday in the NFL, the Washington Redskins and Tennessee Titans both claimed the last post-season berth in their respective conferences. The Redskins completed an improbable late-season run led by forgotten quarterback Todd Collins. The Titans also had a Collins under center, as Kerry Collins replaced injured starter Vince Young and rallied Tennessee past Indianapolis.

None of the other ten playoff teams have a quarterback named Collins. However, each of them does relate to a notable Collins in some way. Here’s a look, in order of seeding.

AFC:

New England Patriots: Mary Cathleen Collins. Better known as Bo Derek, she’s a perfect 10. The Pats are a perfect 16 and counting.

Indianapolis Colts: Joan Collins. “Dynasty” is the key word, as the Colts hope to repeat. No word on whether they’ve been in cat-fights with Linda Evans.

San Diego Chargers: Doug Collins. He’s a 3-time NBA head coach who works with TNT. Norv Turner is a 3-time NFL head coach who works with LT.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Fort Collins. That’s the location of Colorado State, alma mater of starting linebacker Clark Haggans. Since CSU was 3-9 this year, this is the only way to link the school to a winning football team.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Eileen Collins. She was the first female commander of a space shuttle. Similarly, the Jags hope to make history after they take off from the east coast of Florida.

NFC:

Dallas Cowboys: Gary Collins. From 1982 to 1990, he was surrounded by babes as host of the Miss America pageant. Tony Romo is surrounded by babes as quarterback of America’s Team.

Green Bay Packers: Phil Collins. Yes, Green Bay’s roster includes free safety Nick Collins. But no playoff team had fewer rushing yards, so they prefer to keep the ball In the Air Tonight.

Seattle Seahawks: Tom Collins. The cocktail can impair your ability to drive and make you pass out. Pro Bowler Patrick Kerney does the same to opposing quarterbacks.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jarron & Jason Collins. Like the NBA big men, Ronde Barber knows what it’s like to have a twin brother in the league.

New York Giants: Francis Collins. He’s the director of the National Human Genome Research Institute. Eli Manning also knows the importance of genes.

Sorry, there’s no room for Bootsy Collins on the playoff list. He’s a Bengals fan.

Other Channels Carrying Patriots-Giants

2007-12-27T22:02:00.000-08:00

This Saturday, the New England Patriots look to complete the first-ever 16-0 NFL regular season when they pay the New York Giants a visit. The matchup was originally scheduled to be aired only on the NFL Network, unavailable to most viewers. However, on Wednesday the NFL announced that NBC and CBS will simulcast the NFL Network’s feed during Saturday’s contest.

The league later decided that this step did not go far enough. Therefore, the NFL has expanded coverage of the game to numerous other networks. Here are the other channels that will now carry Saturday’s showdown.

ABC, Fox, CW: Might as well get all the broadcast networks involved – they’re suffering through the writers’ strike, too!

History Channel: Forget Ancient Egypt or World War II. 16-0 is REAL history.

HBO: It has a good track record with violent shows set in New Jersey.

Animal Planet: The broadcast will raise awareness of an endangered group of Dolphins.

CSPAN: The excitement of its typical programming will be matched by a Bill Belichick press conference.

Disney Channel: He’s not Hannah, but Tom Brady does get compared to Montana.

BBC America: The Giants won in London earlier this season, so they’re basically Britain’s team.

TNT: Only if the game is close. TNT: We Know Drama.

HGTV (Home and Garden): The Giants play Home games in the Garden State.

Food Network: The hosts will advise the 1972 Dolphins on suitable substitutes for champagne.

MTV: It has featured lots of hidden camera shows. So have the Patriots in Giants Stadium.

Big Ten Network: The NFL Network gets to show Indiana in the Insight Bowl, so there has to be an exchange the other way.

E: Short for “Eli.”

Home Shopping Network: Find out how you can get bargains like Randy Moss and Wes Welker.

Court TV: Actually, it carried the NFL Network broadcast two weeks ago, when the Bengals played.

TLC: Contrary to popular belief, it stands not for The Learning Channel, but Tom “Lovable” Coughlin.

TV Land: It’s always happy to feature a Brady Bunch.

Travel Channel: Chances are, by halftime Giants fans will be focused on that trip to Tampa Bay.

Boldin, Sims To Play For FSU In Bowl Game

2007-12-24T18:09:00.000-08:00

After a week of turmoil, prospects seem to have brightened for the Florida State football program. First, offensive coordinator and head coach-in-waiting Jimbo Fisher decided to stay in Tallahassee instead of taking the top job at West Virginia. Now comes word that a pair of former Seminoles will lend head coach Bobby Bowden a hand. Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin and Lions linebacker Ernie Sims will suit up for FSU in next Monday’s Music City Bowl versus Kentucky.

The short-handed Seminoles will welcome the assistance, as 36 players will not be making the trip to Nashville. Some absentees will be due to injuries, but most of them were involved in an online academic cheating scandal. The issue has caused significant embarrassment for the 7-5 Seminoles. As one disgusted FSU fan put it, “The standards here have really taken a nose dive. At Florida State, we demand renegades who play for the national championship, not renegades who lose to Wake Forest!”

The issue does come with a bit of karma. Cheat at a music history course, and you miss the Music City Bowl. The same standard apparently applies to all Bowden-coached teams. Therefore, Clemson will have to take on Auburn without three players who were caught cheating in their Chick-Fil-A class.

As young NFL stars, Boldin and Sims will certainly provide a lift to the Noles. Both players left Tallahassee with one year of eligibility remaining, so in an unusual decision, the NCAA allowed them to play in one more bowl game. Reportedly, because Boldin and Sims play for Arizona and Detroit, the NCAA felt that they would otherwise never again have the opportunity to play post-season football.

Boldin actually has experience stepping in for suspended Seminoles in a bowl game. Five years ago, with FSU’s top two quarterbacks barred from action, Boldin shifted from wideout to quarterback in a Sugar Bowl loss to Georgia. He won’t have to change positions this time, but he will have to travel from Phoenix to Nashville and take the field just one day after his regular season NFL finale. Fortunately, Sunday’s game is against the Rams defense, so it’s not like he’ll have to exert himself.

Meanwhile, Sims will provide valuable assistance for the FSU defense. The Noles also had hoped to add San Diego cornerback Antonio Cromartie – another early NFL entrant – but he’ll be busy preparing for the first round of the playoffs. One day after facing Brett Favre, at least for part of the game, Sims will line up versus Andre Woodson and the high-powered Wildcats offense. Sims will surely find it strange for his Seminoles to be an underdog against Kentucky. Even more bizarre will be the scene after the game, when UK fans will dread the end of football season and reluctantly turn their attention to hoops.

Speaking of strange developments, the mere participation of Boldin and Sims on Monday comes as a shock to many football fans. But when it comes to these two players, one thing is even more surprising. Between the wide receiver and the linebacker, it’s the LINEBACKER who was a first round pick by the Lions.

Walk Hard: Sports Variations

2007-12-21T11:07:00.000-08:00

Starring John C. Reilly and Jenna Fischer, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story comes out today in theatres. As you’re no doubt aware, the movie provides a comedic take on musical biopics such as Walk the Line. But what if Dewey Cox had been a sports figure, instead of a musician? Here are ten possible storylines and titles:

While on the mound, Dewey faces Barry Bonds: Intentional Walk Hard

On the mound again, Dewey tries to pick off Jose Reyes: Balk Hard

Dewey fills in during Dick Vitale’s sabbatical: Talk Hard

Dewey has an MVP season for the Rams: Faulk Hard

During the bye week that season, Dewey develops a polio vaccine: Salk Hard

Dewey sits near Jessica Simpson at a Cowboys game: Gawk Hard

Dewey follows her home after the game: Stalk Hard

Dewey reacts after his team is left out of the BCS National Championship Game: Squawk Hard

Dewey works on the Wimbledon grounds crew: Chalk Hard

Dewey plays hoops in Lawrence: Rock Chalk Jayhawk Hard

The Margaret Mitchell Report

2007-12-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

The sports world has been abuzz in recent days, following the issuance of the Mitchell Report. The document summarized the findings of former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell after his investigation into the use of performance-enhancing drugs by major league baseball players. The inclusion of Roger Clemens was the most significant topic of conversation, while other prominent players such as Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada, and Barry Bonds were also named in the report.

To many, these revelations are nothing new. In fact, an all-time classic movie from 1939 contained numerous quotes with relevance for the issue of performance-enhancing substances. Gone With the Wind was originally a novel written by another Mitchell (Margaret). The film screenplay was actually adapted by Sidney Howard, but as far as I know, there was no Howard Report in sports this week. Therefore, with quotes from Gone With the Wind, and their relevance to the present-day findings from George Mitchell, I bring you the Margaret Mitchell Report:

“It will come to you, this love of the land.” (Gerald O’Hara): And love of the cream, and the clear, and …

“It ain’t fittin’…it ain’t fittin.’ It jes’ ain’t fittin’…It ain’t fittin.’” (Mammy): A players’ wardrobe after bulking up from steroids.

“With enough courage, you can do without a reputation.” (Rhett Butler): Words to live by, for players named in the report.

“Take a good luck my dear. It’s an historic moment you can tell your grandchildren about how you watched the Old South fall one night.” (Rhett): This quote is a bit off target, since the biggest losers were Yankees.

“I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” (Scarlett O’Hara): A player’s response, when warned about the health risks of steroids.

“As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!” (Scarlett): Steroid use often leads to an increased appetite.

“I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies!” (Prissy): Side effects of steroids include reduced sperm count and infertility.

“Fiddle-dee-dee!” (Scarlett): An expression of ‘roid rage, edited for 1939 audiences.

“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” (Rhett): Substitute “injected” for “kissed,” and it’s how Jose Canseco introduced himself to new teammates.

“You’re like the thief who isn’t the least bit sorry he stole, but is terribly, terribly sorry he’s going to jail.” (Rhett): A comment addressing the scores of lame non-apologies sure to be coming.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Rhett): 1990s response to the steroid issue from Bud Selig and Donald Fehr.

“After all… tomorrow is another day.” (Scarlett): An obvious statement, just like “lots of major leaguers used steroids.”

This Day in History

2007-12-13T06:28:00.000-08:00

Today is December 13, 2007, and I think it’s a great day to look back at the history books. According to Wikipedia, all of these events took place on December 13. For some reason, the online encyclopedia ignores the sports angle to each of these occurrences. Therefore, for each entry I’ve added an extra sentence to fill in the gaps.

1294: Saint Celestine V abdicates the papacy after only five months. Celestine immediately takes over as football coach at the University of Arkansas.

1577: Sir Francis Drake sets out from Plymouth, England, on his round-the-world voyage. He hopes his willingness to go on the road will impress the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee.

1769: Dartmouth College is founded by the Reverend Eleazar Wheelock. He remarks, “This will be a home for the true student-athlete, after the term ‘student-athlete’ is invented.”

1862: At the Battle of Fredericksburg, Confederate General Robert E. Lee defeats the Union Major General Ambrose E. Burnside. The victory earns Lee a title shot against Floyd Mayweather.

1941: Hungary and Romania declare war on the United States. With this action, both countries continue their policy of aggression against inferior soccer countries.

1961: Painter Grandma Moses dies at the age of 101. Her eulogy is delivered by high school classmate Vinny Testaverde.

1967: Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx is born. On Foxx's birthday in 2007, Mike Gundy will call him and scream, “You’re a MAN!!! You’re FORTY!!!”

1996: Kofi Annan is elected as Secretary-General of the United Nations. Darren McFadden comes in second.

2000: Al Gore delivers his concession speech, ending his hopes of becoming the 43rd President of the United States. He was certain that Bush’s 2000 victory would be overturned, but then he realized he was thinking of Marion Jones.

2002: The European Union announces that Cyprus, the Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Malta, Poland, Slovakia, and Slovenia will become members on May 1, 2004. The expansion paves the way for the EU to hold a conference championship game.

2003: Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is captured near his hometown of Tikrit. One of his captors remarks, “We can catch anyone – except for Devin Hester.”

2006: The Baiji, or Chinese River Dolphin, is announced as extinct. So at least one Dolphin didn’t have to endure 2007.

Hansbrough & Other Tylers

2007-12-08T16:10:00.000-08:00

This young basketball season has been marked by an unusually gifted freshman class that’s high on flash. However, the best player on the #1 team in the country is a junior with a not-so-pretty style. North Carolina’s Tyler Hansbrough hopes his all-out effort helps Roy Williams to his second national championship in April. In the meantime, here’s how Hansbrough compares to a dozen other Tylers.

John Tyler: He became President of the United States after the death in office of William Henry Harrison. Similarly, Hansbrough entered the spotlight because Sean May, Rashad McCants, Raymond Felton, and Marvin Williams departed early.

Mary Tyler Moore: She memorably tossed up her hat in Minneapolis. Hansbrough memorably tossed away his mask against Michigan State.

Bonnie Tyler: In Total Eclipse of the Heart, she sang, “Every now and then I fall apart.” The Tar Heels said the same thing after the Georgetown game.

Tyler Durden: In Fight Club he insisted, “I want you to hit me as hard as you can!” Hansbrough didn’t make the same request to Gerald Henderson, but it happened anyway.

Tyler Perry: The creator of House of Payne and Why Did I get Married has developed a media empire in Atlanta. As a freshman, Hansbrough also demanded Atlanta’s attention with a career-high 40 versus Georgia Tech.

Steven Tyler: In honor of the singer of Walk This Way, Hansbrough often gets away with an extra step down low.

Liv Tyler: Somehow, she looks like Steven Tyler but is still hot. Equally hard to believe: the guy with the biggest man-crush on Hansbrough is a Dukie (Jay Bilas).

Tyler, Texas: It’s the hometown of LSU quarterback Matt Flynn. Like Hansbrough, he hopes his season includes a victory over Ohio State.

Willie Tyler and Lester: As a ventriloquist, Willie thrives with his wooden partner. Hansbrough thrives with his partners on the hardwood.

Aisha Tyler: Hansbrough defies racial stereotypes as a white basketball star, just as Aisha did as a black person on Friends.

Tyler Green: Obscure, but the former Phillie starter is worth a mention for this bizarre stat: Green pitched in the 1995 All-Star Game, yet only won 18 games in his career. As for UNC’s Tyler, his most recent win came in Philly, with help from Danny Green.

Tyler James Williams: He’s the star of Everybody Hates Chris. Hansbrough plays eight miles from the team everybody hates.

Quick Hits On This Year's Bowl Matchups

2007-12-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

This year’s college football bowl lineup is set, with 32 matchups on the way. For in-depth analysis, go to the experts. For quick drivel, I’m your man. The full titles of the bowls are listed, because it’s just funnier that way. Away we go!

December 20:

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. Utah. The title of the bowl is really long, so to compensate they had to take two teams with four letters each. Next year it’s Rice vs. Duke.

December 21:

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis. As he did with Miami and Louisville, coach Howard Schnellenberger leads FAU into a bowl game. Unlike the current coaches of Miami and Louisville.

December 22:

Papajohns.com Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Southern Mississippi. Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. So why can’t they sponsor a Better Bowl?

New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico vs. Nevada. For the second straight year, New Mexico plays in its namesake bowl. The same feat was accomplished in 1999 and 2000 by Tostitos Fiesta University.

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: Brigham Young vs. UCLA. The winners will proudly claim the trophy, until it’s stolen from their hotel room by O.J. and his goons.

December 23:

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Boise State vs. East Carolina. I think we can give Ian Johnson a pass if this year’s bowl experience doesn’t measure up to last year.

December 26:

Motor City Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Purdue. It’s a rematch of a September game in which the Boilermakers won by 23. Just a hunch, but I’m guessing Detroit sports fans are a little more excited about Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis.

December 27:

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona State vs. Texas. Wait, this is actually a pretty good matchup! How’d it get on the bowl schedule so early?

December 28:

Champs Sports Bowl: Boston College vs. Michigan State. What do you mean, “Champs” Sports? BC’s here because they LOST their championship game!

Texas Bowl: Houston vs. TCU. I’m pretty sure this bowl doesn’t actually exist, and this is a replay of a Conference USA game from five years ago.

Emerald Bowl: Oregon State vs. Maryland. This name would have been more appropriate for the Seattle Bowl, played in the Emerald City. Remember the Seattle Bowl? Okay, never mind…

December 29:

Meineke Car Care Bowl: Connecticut vs. Wake Forest. I’ve asked this question many times, but I have to keep asking: Why, oh why, does the Demon Deacon mascot wear a bowtie on his CHIN??? Somebody answer me!!!

Autozone Liberty Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Central Florida. Also known as the BCS National Championship Game, at least on George O’ Leary’s resume.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Penn State. The Aggies and Nittany Lions square off at the site of the Final Four, where top-ranked UNC hopes to be in April. Yep, 64 teams in bowl games, and this is the only way I could work my Tar Heels into the discussion.

December 30:

Petrosun Independence Bowl: Colorado vs. Alabama. Four games ago, Nick Saban was planning on a much better destination. But on this same day, his former employer might wind up 0-16. So Shreveport’s not so bad!

December 31:

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Air Force vs. California. It’s highly appropriate to have a service academy in the Armed Forces Bowl. But Cal hasn’t been armed, or a force, for two months now.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Fresno State vs. Georgia Tech. Fun Fact: The Humanitarian Bowl got its name because Mother Teresa was a huge fan of the blue turf.

Brut Sun Bowl: South Florida vs. Oregon. In this nutty college football season, it’s only appropriate that two former #2’s will spend New Year’s in El Paso.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone (seriously): Florida State vs. Kentucky. These schools squared off in the 1993 Elite Eight. It’s a sad, sad thing that I knew that off the top of my head.

Insight Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Indiana. With 2008 approaching, it’s time to go crazy after the game! I mean New Year’s Eve parties, not Mike Gundy’s press conference.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl: Clemson vs. Auburn. Only during Masters week will you see more Tiger fans in Georgia.

January 1:

Outback Bowl: Tennessee vs. Wisconsin. It’s the Vols’ second straight year in this game. But since South Carolina is home for the holidays, I don’t think you’ll hear Steve Spurrier say, “You can’t spell ‘Outback’ without ‘UT!’”

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic: Missouri vs. Arkansas. Heisman winners often have a tough time in bowl games. Fortunately for Chase Daniel and Darren McFadden, that will be Tim Tebow’s problem.

Capital One Bowl: Florida vs. Michigan. A year later, the “Gators vs. Wolverines” debate moves from the message boards to the field. Meanwhile, Lloyd Carr becomes yet another retiree in Orlando.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Virginia vs. Texas Tech. UVA’s Chris Long, like Michigan’s Jake Long, will go early in the NFL draft. Hearing “Long” uttered throughout the draft will make Jay Bilas smile.

The Rose Bowl Game Presented By Citi: USC vs. Illinois. By preserving the sacred Big Ten/Pac-10 matchup, Rose Bowl officials once again prove their devotion to tradition. As long as you ignore that “Presented By Citi” part.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Hawaii. Bulldog fans might be overconfident, but not because of Hawaii’s soft schedule. Remembering the old Falcon days, they just expect to see June Jones lose.

January 2:

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia. For the Mountaineers, why is it the Fiesta vs. the Sooners? Because of the siesta vs. the Panthers.

January 3:

Fedex Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Kansas. Fortunately, neither team is from Alaska, Arizona, California, Hawaii, Louisiana, or Texas. Because from Florida, you’re not allowed to FedEx Oranges to those states.

January 5:

International Bowl: Ball State vs. Rutgers. This one takes place in Toronto, so TWO countries get to ignore it.

January 6:

GMAC Bowl: Tulsa vs. Bowling Green. “GMAC” is a warning message to the only people paying attention to this game: “Gambling with Money: Addictive and Compulsive.”

January 7:

Allstate BCS National Championship Game. Ohio State vs. LSU. For Buckeye fans, it’s already a victory: a title game with no Gators in sight.

Surprises From Championship Saturday

2007-12-02T09:58:00.000-08:00

Fittingly in a tumultuous college football season, Championship Saturday was completely unpredictable. The result is utterly predictable, as once again the much-maligned BCS is a mess. Tonight we’ll officially find out the championship matchup, as well as the other bowls. In the meantime, here’s a look back at Saturday’s surprises.

The #1 team lost, and it wasn’t an upset.

That #1 team was Missouri.

Dave Wannstedt had a huge win in December.

On September 1, an upset BY the Mountaineers made Buckeye fans giddy. On December 1, an upset OF the Mountaineers did the same.

Over two weekends, a team rose from #5 to #1 without playing a game. And there’s no legitimate argument against them.

The title game will almost certainly match up two teams who lost at home to then-unranked opponents.

Les Miles potentially set himself up for a huge matchup with Ohio State – by turning down Michigan.

A team (Cal) on the verge of being #1 in October proceeded to lose six of its last seven games.

Two teams that were ranked #2 this year lost to Stanford.

A former #2 (Oregon) lost in multiple overtimes, and it wasn’t LSU.

Karl Dorrell has not yet been fired. I live two miles from UCLA, so any minute I expect him to knock on my door, asking to crash on my couch.

Arizona State, which won a share of the Pac-10 title, beat one opponent that finished with a winning record.

That’s one less than USC, because the Trojans beat ASU.

The lone unbeaten team stayed that way by rallying from a 21-point deficit at home against the worst team in the Pac-10.

A Boston College-Virginia Tech rematch in Jacksonville was played before a huge number of empty seats. Okay, some things aren’t surprising.

Herschel Walker, my prediction for #1, finished at #3 in ESPN’s “25 Greatest Players in College Football” list. He won’t be the only Bulldog to get left out of the top 2 this weekend.

A team (Miami of Ohio) that was in a conference championship game finished with a losing record.

They’re not the only Miami who missed out on bowl season.

A non-conference opponent for Kansas (Central Michigan) is in a bowl game.

The traditional Army-Navy showdown… okay, I admire them for serving our country, but I can’t pretend to care about this game.

A guy (Kevin Smith of Central Florida) finished with 2,448 yards rushing, and you’ve probably never heard of him. I wonder if his teammates call him Silent Bob?

Florida International won a game. Like all great teams, they peaked at the end of the season.

AND THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF ALL:

Despite the fate of second-ranked teams this year, teams are now PLEADING to be #2!

Press Release For "Dukie V" Book

2007-12-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

A fellow UNC alum wanted to pass along this press release for his new parody book, focused on Dick Vitale and his love for a certain basketball program in Durham. Go here for the book's website.

Dukie V’s Season to Remember:
A hilarious, completely unauthorized collection of parody columns from the 2006-07 college basketball season.
By Brian Allen

College basketball is hotter than ever, with ESPN analyst Dick Vitale personifying America’s passion for the game. A once popular commentator and columnist, Vitale is known for his colorful enthusiasm and his basketball terminology, which includes such curious expressions as “Diaper Dandy” (a promising freshman), “PTP’er” (a prime time performer), and “Maalox Moment” (a nail biting finish). During his rise to fame, Vitale was himself affectionately dubbed “Dickie V” by fans and colleagues.

In recent years, the once respected commentator has become a parody of himself as he has channeled all of his vibrant enthusiasm into an unabashed love for perennial winner Duke University and its head coach, Mike Krzyzewski. Fans coast to coast are both amused and annoyed by his seeming inability to comment on any subject without launching into a Duke tribute at every opportunity – regardless of the subject at hand and regardless of what teams are playing before him. In recognition of his glaring bias, college fans, in recent years, modified the man’s personal moniker; he is now known as “Dukie V.”

Equally annoying to fans is an over hyping of Duke University by the media at large. Many fans view Duke as the recipient of favoritism by game officials and the holder of an undeserved pristine image. Similarly, fans resent the media’s description of Coach K – a man legendary for his foul mouth and hypocritical stands on sportsmanship -- as the ultimate “class act.”

"Dukie V’s Season to Remember” is the ultimate sports parody collection, written for the legions of fans who have had it up to their ears with the Duke lovefest. The book presents a season long series of spoof columns, each written to mimic Vitale’s lingo, cadence, and, above all, his nauseating love of Duke. Beginning with pre-season analysis and predictions, the book continues through the regular season and March Madness, and concludes with post-season commentary on subjects ranging from the Don Imus/Rutgers debacle to Kobe Bryant’s trade demands. Each column begins with a legitimate hot basketball issue, (e.g., Bobby Knight's chase of the all-time wins record), but inevitably veers off-course as Vitale blithely spirals into his endless Duke drivel. In addition to spoofing the absurdity of Vitale's blind bias, the parody columns also mock the purported greatness of Duke, a program that has managed a whopping total of three national championships in 100 years of college basketball history.

Top Christmas Toys - For Football Coaches

2007-11-29T23:22:00.000-08:00

It’s that time of year again, when kids around the country clamor for the most popular toys as Christmas gifts. The most coveted presents of all can be found here. These prized items – 10 for boys and 10 for girls - can bring joy not only to children, but to football coaches in college and the NFL. Granted, the only fat guy kids care about is Santa Claus, not Mark Mangino or Ralph Friedgen. But here’s a look at those coveted toys, and which coaches would be appropriate recipients of them as gifts.

TOP 10 TOYS FOR BOYS:

TMX Cookie Monster & TMX Ernie: Herman Edwards. The Chiefs coach will impart a valuable lesson to the Sesame Street characters. “Why do we play?” Not to build friendships, or smile, or share things, but to “Win the game!”

LEGO Mindstorms: Eric Mangini. “Mindstorms” should appeal to the “Mangenius.” Oh wait, this one should have been on the 2006 list.

Pleo Dinosaur: Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden. They’d get to consult with one of their contemporaries.

Transformers Toys: Urban Meyer. He’ll add to his existing transformer – a quarterback who transforms into a fullback.

Nintendo DS: Brad Childress. Since Darren Sharper and Dwight Smith each had a pick-6 last week, the Vikings coach is happy to add another “DS.”

Nintendo Wii: Cam Cameron. Unlike the Dolphins, at least “Wii” has a W.

R/C Spy Video Car: Bill Belichick. Duh.

Kid Tough Digital Camera: June Jones. Considering his Warriors’ schedule, the Hawaii coach is used to things that are kid-tough.

EyeClops Bionic Eye: Houston Nutt. Taking over at Ole Miss, which went winless in the SEC, he’ll need vision that no one else seems to have.

Power Guitar: Lane Kiffin. Since he works for Al Davis, it’s the only way he’ll get any power.

TOP 10 TOYS FOR GIRLS:

Webkinz: Nick Saban. The coveted plush toys inspired a craze, before shortages ensued. The coveted Bama coach inspired crazed fans, before a victory shortage ensued.

FurReal Friends: Dennis Franchione. Having been forced out at Texas A&M, he could probably use some friends these days.

iDog, iCat, and iFish: Mark Richt, Rich Brooks, and Jeff Fisher. They’re Dawg, Cat, and Fish, respectively.

Kid Tough Digital Camera: I just said June Jones! Pay attention, dammit!

Barbie Girls: Wade Phillips. As Tony Romo’s coach, he’s used to having blondes around.

2007 Holiday Collector Barbie: Lloyd Carr. Like the special-edition doll, you won’t see him next year either.

Hannah Montana Singing Doll: Mike Nolan. The 49ers coach desperately needs a Montana on his team.

Digi Makeover: Bill Callahan. He can only hope his next makeover works better than the one he tried in Lincoln.

FurReal Friends Butterscotch Pony: Tom Coughlin. He’ll settle for a pony, but as far as Mannings go, he’d rather have a Colt.

Amazing Allysen: Les Miles. The “AA” initials appeal to him, whether it’s Amazing Allysen or Ann Arbor.

College Football Limericks

2007-11-26T00:22:00.000-08:00

In a season filled with surprise
Who will play for the nation’s top prize?
Next Sunday we’ll see
Who the two teams will be
But it won’t be the usual guys

It was thought LSU was the best
They still are – in the SEC West
But thanks to McFadden
Their fans were quite saddened
By the high-scoring Razorback guests

It was heartbreak for Les Miles’ men
With a 3-OT loss once again
Just like at Kentucky
They came up unlucky
Now Les will go to the Big Ten

In the Border War at Arrowhead
The Jayhawks could not stop the spread
At least they have hoops
But they won’t face Bob Stoops
Since in football, their hopes are now dead

A great night it was for Mizzou
As Chase Daniel’s profile grew
There was one central key
To this huge victory:
They were playing against number two

Now unless West Virginia’s upset
A title game shot they’ll get
There’s no way they should fall
In the Backyard Brawl
As long as Pitt’s coached by Wannstedt

But if it’s the Panthers’ night
Or the Sooners exert their might
Then a group of Buckeyes
Will compete for the prize
With no scary Gators in sight

It’s just been a crazy fall
In the world of college football
But this fact, by far
Is what’s most bizarre:
There’s no playoff to settle it all!

Priest & Other NFL Clergy

2007-11-22T21:31:00.000-08:00

Kansas City Chiefs running back Priest Holmes retired on Wednesday, ending a short comeback after head and neck injuries forced him to the sidelines for 22 months. Holmes reached his peak in 2003, when he rushed for a then-record 27 touchdowns. During his press conference, Holmes declared, “I have truly been blessed with the opportunity to play in the National Football League.” Such a statement is appropriate for a man named Priest. In fact, numerous other prominent NFL players have had a connection to the clergy. Here’s a quick look.

Running Back: Travis Henry (the words “Our Father” often refer to him)

Fullback: Bob Christian

Quarterback: Doug Flutie (always good for a Hail Mary)

Wide Receiver: Art Monk; Irving Fryar (Technically, monks and friars are only considered clergy if they’ve received Holy Orders. With 1,791 receptions between them, Monk and Fryar pretty much received everything.)

Tight End: Leonard Pope

Offensive Line: Keith Bishop

Defensive Line: Deacon Jones; Reggie “Minister of Defense” White

Defensive Back: Blaine Bishop; Marquez Pope

Team: Arizona Cardinals

Current Dolphins linebacker Derrick Pope is a bit too obscure for the above list. But hopefully, like the real pope, he believes in the power of prayer. His team really needs it these days.

Bay Area Blues

2007-11-19T16:06:00.000-08:00

Much has been made about the amazing run currently enjoyed by Boston sports teams. While the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics have made life great for fans in Beantown, it’s a different story in Northern California. The Golden Gate Bridge may be picturesque, but the sports landscape has been downright hideous in the Bay Area lately. Only the first-place San Jose Sharks have been thriving, and since they play hockey, you’re probably not interested. Otherwise, in just over the past week, here’s an ugly rundown of Bay Area sports.

November 10:

Cal falls 24-17 at home to USC. Before the season, this looked like one of the games of the year. Now College GameDay decides that Williams-Amherst is a better option. Okay, the Pats, Sox, and Celtics I can understand, but is ESPN THAT fixated on Massachusetts now?

Stanford loses 33-17 to lowly Washington State. On the bright side, the 3-7 Cardinal gets two weeks off – a bye, then a visit from Notre Dame.

November 11:

The Raiders fall 17-6 at home to the Bears. Somehow, Oakland allows the phrase “Rex Grossman heroics” to be used.

November 12:

The 49ers get shut out 24-0 by the Seahawks. “49ers” now refers to their total yardage per game.

November 13:

Vinny Testaverde turns 44. Unfortunately for 49er fans, an old guy’s playing quarterback, and it’s not Joe Montana. Not to be confused with Joe Mantegna, who turns 60 on this day. Yeah, it’s a stretch, but Tuesday’s a slow sports day. Cut me some slack!

November 14:

The Warriors lose 111-104 at home to the Pistons, falling to 0-6 on the season. I’m guessing they’re not quite as high on Jessica Alba’s social calendar these days.

November 15:

Giants’ icon Barry Bonds is indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. For once, Barry doesn’t get a free pass.

November 16:

Okay, some good news: Golden State finally gets into the win column, taking down the Clippers 122-105. Sorry Jessica, didn’t mean to imply that you’d jump ship just yet!

November 17:

Cal loses 37-23 at cellar-dwelling Washington. Once on the cusp of #1, the Golden Bears are now 6-5. At least they won’t have to worry about getting screwed by the BCS.

San Jose State falls 27-23 to Louisiana Tech, eliminating the Spartans from bowl consideration. They already should have been ineligible, since they’re crappy enough to be on Hawaii’s schedule.

The Stanford football team is off, and so is the basketball team, in a 79-67 upset by Siena.

November 18:

The 49ers drop their eighth straight in a 13-9 home setback to the Rams. They thereby enhance their draft position - for the Patriots, who own San Francisco’s first-rounder next spring. I’ll pause now, to allow NFL fans outside of New England to puke.

With a 29-22 defeat at Minnesota, the Raiders lose their sixth in a row. Which makes them the hottest NFL team in the Bay Area.

A’s utility whiz Marco Scutaro is traded to Toronto. Maybe he’s not a franchise player, but it’s just fun to say “Marco Scutaro.”

Duke-Notre Dame Winner To Be #2 in Next Week's Coaches Poll

2007-11-16T11:13:00.000-08:00

Much ridicule has been heaped on tomorrow afternoon’s football matchup in South Bend. Notre Dame will host visiting Duke, with the Fighting Irish and Blue Devils each sporting 1-9 records. With the possible exception of Minnesota, tomorrow’s loser will carry the title of worst BCS team in the nation. However, now the victor will claim a less dubious honor. Saturday’s winner will be voted #2 in next week’s USA Today Coaches Poll.

This development comes on the heels of last night’s defeat by the current #2, Oregon, at the hands of Arizona. Hampered by the first quarter loss of Heisman Trophy candidate Dennis Dixon, as well as two return touchdowns by Wildcat Antoine Cason, the Ducks fell 34-24 in Tucson. For the fourth straight November, the Wildcats knocked off a ranked opponent in Arizona Stadium. Given that level of success during the month, the program is now looking into the possibility of playing during September and October as well.

Oregon joined USC, California, South Florida, and Boston College as second-ranked teams to fall since October 6. Given the “Curse of Number 2,” numerous coaches felt it would be appropriate to put the Irish or Devils into that spot. As one coach remarked, “The #2 team is pretty much guaranteed to lose. Well, the same thing is true for Notre Dame and Duke. So why waste that bad karma on a good team?”

The agreement among the coaches will only be in effect for one week, so there does not appear to be any danger of either team sneaking into the BCS National Championship Game. As one coach noted, “You saw what happened last year, when Notre Dame took on LSU WITH Brady Quinn and Jeff Samardzija. If that happened THIS year? I mean, hasn’t New Orleans seen ENOUGH destruction?”

Still, if the Irish rise to the second spot in the upcoming week, the Curse of #2 will have come full circle. It began when second-ranked USC was stunned by Stanford, led by first-year head coach Jim Harbaugh. Notre Dame could also take on the Cardinal as the #2 team next week. Commenting on Harbaugh, Irish coach Charlie Weis remarked, “Wow, I got a 10-year extension for ALMOST beating USC my first year. He actually won, so what did he get? 40 years?” A nearby Golden Domer added, “It’s incredible that Stanford even won a game this year. Tyrone Willingham was there just six years ago!”

#2 could be a far more unusual position for Duke. Even Steve Spurrier only votes them 25th in the pre-season poll. However, the Blue Devils could be second-ranked for the next week’s UNC-Duke football showdown, billed in previous years as “The Reason John Bunting Won’t Go Winless!” Duke coach Ted Roof has gotten permission from Mike Krzyzewski to add Gerald Henderson to the roster for that game, since he knows that Henderson has no problem hitting Tar Heels in Chapel Hill.

Before the announcement that the #2 ranking would be on the line, the Duke – Notre Dame game was a matchup only Dick Vitale could love. Saturday’s broadcast could be the worst thing on NBC since Veronica’s Closet. However, the new stakes have increased interest among the schools’ alumni. Hearing that Duke will be involved in a late-season matchup with something on the line, J.J. Redick has announced plans to show up and shoot 4-for-19.

Yes, Duke or Notre Dame will get to enjoy being #2 for a week. Down the road, if form holds, the national championship matchup will pit LSU against the Big XII champion. Of course, “if form holds” is the second-most laughable phrase in college football this year. What’s #1? The “Play Like A Champion Today” sign at Notre Dame Stadium.

Surprises From Illinois-Ohio State

2007-11-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

Saturday in Columbus, visiting Illinois ended Ohio State’s dreams of a national championship with an upset over the top-ranked Buckeyes. Beyond the result itself, there were numerous surprises coming out of the Horseshoe. Here’s a look at a few of those.

Surprise: Head coach Ron Zook notched his most significant victory since taking over at Illinois.
Why That’s Surprising: We all knew that players recruited by Zook could beat the Buckeyes. We just assumed they had to be coached by Urban Meyer.

Surprise: Illinois improved to 5-2 in Big Ten play.
Why That’s Surprising: The Fighting Illini were 2-30 in conference games the previous four years. And you thought the Cubs had a tough time in the fall.

Surprise: Illinois reclaimed the Illibuck trophy with the victory.
Why That’s Surprising: Is possession of a wooden turtle really much of a motivation? Illibuck joins the Old Oaken Bucket, the Little Brown Jug, and countless other quirky trophies at stake in Big Ten contests. By conference rule, the winner of each game gets something that was picked up at a yard sale.

Surprise: With four touchdown passes, Juice Williams was instrumental in bringing Illibuck back to Illinois.
Why That’s Surprising: Athletes called Juice usually reclaim trophies by barging into a Vegas hotel room with weapons.

Surprise: Normally steady OSU quarterback Todd Boeckman threw three interceptions.
Why That’s Surprising: Today he’s thinking, “Well, at least I’m not Peyton Manning!”

Surprise: The key to staying undefeated was not to be OSU, but to BEAT OSU.
Why That’s Surprising: Among BCS conference teams, Kansas, improbably, is the lone unbeaten after a 40-28 victory at Oklahoma State. Asked why the Jayhawks prevailed, Cowboys coach Mike Gundy screamed, “They came after US! They are MEN! They got FORTY!”

Surprise: The Illini used a total team effort to take down the Buckeyes.
Why That’s Surprising: It has to be hard building teamwork in Champaign. There’s no sensible way to say, “There’s no “I” in “Illini.”

Surprise: Before next week’s Big Ten showdown, neither participant was caught looking ahead.
Why That’s Surprising: I’m talking about Northwestern-Illinois.

Surprise: Matt Sylvester was not involved.
Why That’s Surprising: He was responsible the last time an unbeaten run ended in an Illinois-Ohio State matchup in Columbus, nailing the winning three-pointer for OSU in March 2005. Unlike these Buckeyes, those Illini still got to advance to the national championship game. Because college basketball has this weird, crazy thing called a playoff.

Surprise: The #1 team in the nation lost at home to an unranked team.
Why That’s Surprising: It’s not – have you SEEN college football this year?

The WGA in Sports

2007-11-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

This week’s major story in the entertainment world is the strike by the Writers Guild of America. Although that WGA is currently out of action, the WGA acronym is very much alive in the sports world. So even while the writers walk the picket line, you can still get your WGA fix right here.

Most common question at the Bengals’ offices: Who Got Arrested?

Red Sox’ ALDS result: Waxed Guerrero’s Angels

Alternative for Notre Dame fans this Saturday: Watching Georgia-Auburn

Tiger on Sunday with the lead: Woods: Golfing Assassin

NBA’s Tim Donaghy headache: Whistleblower’s Gambling Addiction

NBA viewers’ headache: Walton’s Grating Announcing

Jimmie Johnson fans’ request to other drivers: Wreck Gordon’s Automobile

Kentucky vs. Gardner-Webb result, as told to Judd: Wildcats Gagged, Ashley

Advice Joba Chamberlain should have heeded: Warning: Gnat Attack!

Items in Rams and Dolphins game recaps: Washington Generals Allusions

Recent exclamation from Paul Pierce: Welcome Garnett, Allen!

Braves’ pitching plans: Want Glavine Again

Strange College GameDay locale this week: Williams ‘Gainst Amherst?

Roger Federer each July: Wimbledon God Annually

Soldier Field nuisance: Woeful Grossman Accuracy

Achievement no college hoops’ coach can approach: Wooden’s Golden Age

Inspiration for college football underdogs: Wolverines? Go Appalachian!

Most clutch blogger: Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas

Announcement eliminating team from next year’s World Series: We Grabbed Alex!

Source of Edmonton players’ happiness in the 80s: Wayne Gretzky Assists

Patriots’ February preference over cold Foxborough: Warm Glendale, Arizona

Oregon Ducks’ only major shortcoming: Wretched Green Attire

Pitchers’ typical approach to facing Bonds: Walk Giant Always

Still doing the job in Green Bay: Wisconsin Grandpa’s Arm

Most surprising revelation in sports: White Guy’s Athletic!

Adrians & Petersons

2007-11-05T00:35:00.000-08:00

This week in the NFL was supposed to be all about the showdown between the Colts and Patriots. And the best running back in the Chargers-Vikings matchup was assumed to be LaDainian Tomlinson. But Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson proved to be the top star on Sunday. The rookie standout from Oklahoma rushed for 296 yards, one more than the previous single-game record held by Jamal Lewis. In honor of the historic achievement, here’s how Adrian Peterson compares to other Adrians and Petersons.

Adrian Peterson: Has won once in Soldier Field this season.
Adrian Peterson (the one on the Bears): Has won once in Soldier Field this season.

Adrian Gonzalez: Hit over .300 for San Diego in 2006.
Adrian Peterson: Almost hit 300 yards vs. San Diego in 2007.

Norm Peterson: Buddies shouted “Norm!” to him in Cheers.
Adrian Peterson: Fans shouted cheers to him in Norman.

Adrian Dantley: NBA Rookie of the Year in 1977.
Adrian Peterson: Will be NFL Rookie of the Year in 2007.

Adrian Pasdar: Heroes star who appeals to sci-fi geeks.
Adrian Peterson: Gridiron star who appeals to fantasy geeks.

William Petersen: Puts up huge numbers on CBS on Thursday nights.
Adrian Peterson: Put up huge numbers on CBS on Sunday afternoon.

Adrian Balboa: Husband Rocky’s victories brought joy to Philadelphia.
Adrian Peterson: Last week, opposing Eagles’ victory brought joy to Philadelphia.

Adrian Peterson: On draft day, skeptics focused on his injured collarbone.
Cassandra Peterson: AKA Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, so observers focus on two of her body parts.

Adrian Beltre: As a Dodger, was runner-up for the 2004 MVP.
Adrian Peterson: As a Sooner, was runner-up for the 2004 Heisman.

Adrian Peterson: Young man who likes to score.
Adrian Lyne: Director of Lolita, about a young girl who likes to score.

Morris Peterson: First-year Hornet who plays next to Chris Paul.
Adrian Peterson: First-year Viking who plays next to St. Paul.

Adrian Peterson: On the wrong side of last year’s Fiesta Bowl classic.
Chris Petersen: Boise State coach on the right side of last year’s Fiesta Bowl classic.

Adrian Young: Drummer for No Doubt on “Hella Good” and “Running.”
Adrian Peterson: No doubt, a hell of a good running back.

Adrian Peterson: Father was recently released from prison.
Scott Peterson: Will never get released from prison.

Adrian Zmed: Huge star in the mid-80s.
Adrian Peterson: Huge star who was born in the mid-80s.

Julian Peterson: Bolsters the Seattle Seahawks defense.
Adrian Peterson: Flusters every NFC defense.

Wolfgang Petersen: Directed the movie smash Troy.
Adrian Peterson: In the Orange Bowl, was smashed by the men of Troy.

Adrian Grenier: Hit the jackpot as Vincent Chase.
Adrian Peterson: Hits paydirt while defenders give chase.

A Hitchcockian View of College Basketball's Preseason Top 15

2007-10-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

The college basketball season is just around the corner, and the preseason USA Today/ESPN coaches’ poll was already released on October 26. While the real intrigue is reserved for March, there’s still a place for the Master of Suspense when previewing the season. Alfred Hitchcock’s movies fit in quite well with the top 15 teams. Really, what’s more synonymous with college basketball than a British guy who’s been dead since 1980?

Hitchcock won’t be making one of his trademark cameos in this article. But given his fixation on beautiful blondes, he’d be thrilled to see Erin Andrews reporting from the sideline. Without further adieu, here’s a Hitchcockian view of college basketball’s preseason top 15.

14. (tie) Texas A&M. Rear Window. Can the Aggies continue their success, with Acie Law and Billy Gillespie in their rear view?

14. (tie) Gonzaga. Spellbound. That’s what Josh Heytvelt will be if he can’t lay off the mushrooms.

13. Oregon. The Birds. Despite the loss of Aaron Brooks, the Ducks will continue to be a nuisance in the Pac-10.

12. Marquette. To Catch A Thief. Thanks to his penchant for steals, guard Jerel McNeal was the Big East Defensive Player of the Year. But he’s not quite as dashing as Cary Grant.

11. Duke. Notorious. It’s what the Blue Devils are on every campus outside of Durham.

10. Washington State. North By Northwest. The Cougars will once again be strong in the Pacific Northwest. No word on whether they’ll travel to games in a crop duster.

9. Indiana. Dial M For Murder. Kelvin Sampson knows how telephone calls can lead to big trouble.

8. Michigan State. 300. I know it’s not Hitchcock, but it’s the mandatory movie reference for the Spartans.

7. Tennessee. Rich and Strange. It’s an early, obscure Hitchcock film, but it’s a perfect label for Bruce Pearl.

6. Louisville. The Wrong Man. Cardinal fans are still thankful that Rick Pitino was the wrong man for the Celtics.

5. Georgetown. Vertigo. Jimmy Stewart had a fear of heights, so he’d have been terrified of 7’2” All-American Roy Hibbert.

4. Kansas. The 39 Steps. It’s how many steps Bill Self has taken, assuming you need 40 to reach the Final Four.

3. Memphis. Suspicion. Although they’re deep and talented, the Tigers can’t escape suspicion as long as they’re in Conference USA.

2. UCLA. Rebecca. The Bruins, like Rebecca Lobo, won a national championship in 1995. It could happen again, now that Corey Brewer and Joakim Noah are out of the picture.

1. North Carolina. Psycho. Tyler (Psycho T) Hansbrough hopes to lead the Tar Heels to the penthouse, not the Bates Motel.

Why the Red Sox Swept the Rockies

2007-10-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

Sunday night in Denver, the Boston Red Sox beat the Colorado Rockies 4-3 to complete a four-game sweep in the World Series. Whether it was Fenway Park or Coors Field, the Sox displayed superiority on the mound and at the plate. But instead of merely winning, why did they sweep? Here are a handful of reasons.

Every Sunday they were in action this October, the Sox wrapped up a playoff series. Looks like the Patriots have been the second-best Boston team on Sundays.

The sweep enabled the Rockies to finish their season on an amazing 21-5 run.

Every 2007 postseason series not involving the Cleveland Indians ended in a sweep. As with most things in life, things are less exciting when Cleveland’s not involved.

The Broncos have an important game tonight, and now the Denver fans can fully focus on them.

The Red Sox rewarded their loyal supporters by limiting further exposure to Tim McCarver.

Boston fans dressing up as witches for Halloween got extra use out of their brooms.

A seven-game World Series would have ended on November 1. The whole campaign was “There’s only one October” – Dane Cook didn’t even mention November!

Helping the Boston sports cause, Bill Belichick got someone to tape the Rockies dugout.

The Red Sox only play classic, seven-game World Series when they lose them in excruciating fashion.

Georgia knocked off Florida on Saturday, meaning that the Gators will finally stop winning championships. So Colorado was screwed as former Gator Josh Fogg took the mound for Game 3.

Seeing how helpless hitters have been against Josh Beckett, the Red Sox wanted to spare the Rockies from that experience tonight.

The symmetry with 2004 was complete, with a first-round sweep over the Angels, a rally to win a 7-game ALCS, and a World Series sweep. And once again, a famous defection to New York was overcome – the Curse of Pedro is finally over!

Three outs from a 4-0 sweep with a dominant closer on the mound, Colorado didn’t have Dave Roberts on the bench.

With Manny Corpas on the losing side, it’s “just Manny sweeping Manny.”

The sweep means that the Red Sox now have a higher winning percentage (61%) in World Series games than the Yankees (60%). Seriously. Dude, I’m not kidding!

Subjecting Boston office workers to fewer late nights will improve productivity this week. Well, after today. And the day of the parade. And…

Jacoby Ellsbury earned a free taco for everyone this Tuesday, so it’s only fair that he has the time to get one himself.

The Rockies hoped to end like the 1986 Mets. Instead, they ended like the 2007 Mets.

Now there’s no need to cancel Two and a Half Men night at Big Papi’s house tonight.

If history continues to repeat from 2004, a Boston sweep in the World Series will be followed a few months later by a UNC national title. That may not be important to the Red Sox, but it is to me.

Boston College Conquers Deuceophobia in Blacksburg

2007-10-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

Triskaidekaphobia is the term for a fear of the number 13. While 13 is frequently considered to be unlucky, another number proved to be far more treacherous in college football this month. Number 2 was absolutely deadly for anyone who carried the label, inspiring an outbreak of “deuceophobia” across college campuses. However, Thursday night in Blacksburg, one team refused to give in to this condition. With a dramatic 14-10 victory over Virginia Tech, 2nd-ranked Boston College conquered its deuceophobia.

In completing its comeback, BC became the first #2 team in the AP poll to win in October. First, USC inexplicably fell to Stanford. The Cardinal was just as giddy the next week, when hated rival and new #2 California went down against Oregon State. The hex was not just limited to the Golden State, as upstart South Florida’s one-week stay at #2 was then ended at Rutgers. “Number 2,” of course, is also something you do in a bathroom stall (one of many things, if you are Larry Craig). In this case, the term is particularly applicable. Once teams became associated with number 2, their undefeated seasons went down the toilet.

No one knows for sure why #2 became so unlucky. However, speculation centered largely on New Orleans Saints running back Deuce McAllister, who suffered a season-ending ACL injury on September 24. Conspiracy theorists charged that a bitter McAllister wanted other deuces to suffer, so he imposed a curse on the number 2 in college football. Local favorite LSU was #2 at the time, so as the theory went, McAllister waited a week to allow USC to fall back to 2nd before imposing the hex. Surely he could find plenty of help in New Orleans – a town filled with voodoo specialists AND fans who hate the Trojans.

Football coaches notice trends, so deuceophobia spread rapidly. Some defensive coordinators scrapped their Cover 2 and Tampa 2 schemes. Many offensive counterparts refused to try 2-point conversions. None of them wanted to play on ESPN2. Players were forbidden to watch Austin Powers movies, which feature the character known as Number Two. And all copies of A Tale of Two Cities were removed from locker rooms – a huge blow to the legions of players who depend on Dickens for pre-game inspiration.

Thursday night, it appeared that Boston College was ripe to join the list of victims. The 2nd-ranked Eagles endured 2 interceptions by Heisman candidate Matt Ryan and trailed by 2 scores late in the game. However, BC decided to make the number 2 work in their favor. Ryan executed the 2-minute offense to perfection and threw 2 touchdowns, sending the stunned Hokies to their 2nd defeat. The curse of number 2 was burst, like a balloon filled with helium (whose atomic number is 2).

Perhaps it was fitting that a team from Boston was able to turn the number 2 in their favor. On the same night, 2 runs were enough for the Red Sox to win Game 2 of the World Series. Their mere participation means that Sox fans don’t have to see Derek Jeter wearing #2 in the Fall Classic. Also on Thursday, the Bruins beat the Black Hawks by 2 goals. The Patriots are one of 2 undefeated NFL teams. And the Celtics are ecstatic about landing 2 new stars, including 2-guard Ray Allen. Boston-area native John Adams would have been proud. He was our nation’s original #2 as George Washington’s Vice President before becoming President #2. Alas, he then lost to Thomas Jefferson, who wound up on the 2-dollar bill.

Unlike USC, Cal, and South Florida, Boston College showed that the number 2 does not scare them. But just to be safe, the Eagles will be pulling for Penn State on Saturday.

Boston vs. Colorado: A World Series Breakdown

2007-10-22T05:25:00.000-07:00

The 2007 World Series is set, with the Colorado Rockies taking on the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park on Wednesday night. The Sox have championship experience and far more tradition, while the Rocks are on a historic roll. So who has the edge? Even if you can’t distinguish between a Youkilis and a Tulowitzki, here’s a detailed breakdown to prepare you for the Fall Classic.

Inspirational Nicknames: A Red Sock has already helped Boston in a championship run. But a Rocky took down Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, and Ivan Drago. Advantage: Colorado

Noted Ballpark Features: What gets you more excited: the Green Monster or a humidor? Advantage: Boston

College Hail Marys: Colorado had Kordell Stewart against Michigan, and Boston College had Doug Flutie versus Miami. So there’s “Heisman winner Doug Flutie” and “teammate of Heisman winner Rashaan Salaam.” Advantage: Boston

City Nicknames: It’s Beantown versus the Mile High City. No one ever brags about joining the Bean Club. Advantage: Colorado

Robin Williams: He became famous with Mork and Mindy, set in Colorado. But going to Boston for Good Will Hunting got him an Oscar. How do you like dem apples? Advantage: Boston

Drew Effect: The Rockies have already taken down Arizona’s Stephen Drew, so keeping J.D. Drew off the bases shouldn’t be a problem. Unless there’s a contract offer waiting at one of those bases. Advantage: Colorado

Dennys: Denny Neagle was one of many free-agent pitchers who flopped in Colorado. But Boston Legal’s Denny Crane is worth every penny. Denny Crane! Advantage: Boston

Schilling Trend: Curt Schilling has World Series experience with, in order, Philadelphia, Arizona, and Boston. In the postseason, the Rockies have beaten the Phillies, then the Diamondbacks. It’s like his whole career has been designed for a Rockies championship. Advantage: Colorado

NHL: If the Stanley Cup is any indication, the Colorado Rockies can’t win a championship unless they change their name to the New Jersey Devils. Advantage: Boston

Hills: Boston is home to historic Beacon Hill and Bunker Hill, while Colorado has first base coach Glenallen Hill. Advantage: Boston

Top Hitters: David Ortiz has had numerous playoff heroics. But “Holliday” is a name befitting a celebration, or at least a Madonna song. Advantage: Colorado

1993 Effect: Now in their first World Series, the Rocks entered the majors with the Florida Marlins. So 1993 expansion teams are 2-0 in the Fall Classic. Advantage: Colorado

2003 Effect: Then again, Josh Beckett had a little something to do with that second Marlins title. Advantage: Boston

Don Baylor Playoff Moments: Often forgotten is that Baylor’s 9th-inning home run versus the Angels set the stage for Dave Henderson’s Sox-saving dinger in 1986. Also forgotten is that the Baylor-managed 1995 Rockies were even in the playoffs. Advantage: Boston

Scrabble: In basic letter values, “Colorado Rockies” gets you 24 points, compared to 22 for “Boston Red Sox.” Advantage: Colorado

Youngs: The Rockies had Eric, whereas the Sox had Cy. Maybe someday there will be an Eric Young Award, but for now… Advantage: Boston

Oh Canada!: Colorado ace Jeff Francis and Boston reliever Eric Gagne are both from north of the border. And both are considered assets for the Rockies. Advantage: Colorado

Annoying Catchphrases: “Rocktober” is already getting old, but it has a long way to be as overdone as “Manny Being Manny.” Advantage: Colorado

Envy: Colorado is Spanish for “Red,” and the Rockies’ AAA affiliate in Colorado Springs is known as the Sky Sox. Looks like the organization is a bunch of Red Sox wanna-bes. Advantage: Boston

Tallying up the results, it’s Boston 10, Colorado 9. So the Red Sox’ long title drought since 2004 will finally come to an end.

Rockies To Take On Steelers This Sunday

2007-10-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

Monday night, the Colorado Rockies completed a sweep over the Arizona Diamondbacks to advance to their first World Series. Their layoff will reach nine days before opening the Fall Classic, so there is concern that the red-hot Rockies could lose their momentum before taking on the Red Sox or Indians. However, manager Clint Hurdle has devised a way to keep his club fresh in the meantime. The Rockies will step in for the Denver Broncos and take on the Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday night.

The Steelers were already planning to go to Denver this weekend, so their travel plans will not change. However, while they prepared for the Broncos, the Rockies are a completely different animal. Both Denver teams won on September 16. Subsequently, the Rocks are 20-1, while the Broncos are 0-3. Colorado has dominated in Coors Field and Chase Field, so Invesco Field seems to be a logical next step. The scorching ballclub has little in common with the slumping Broncos, unless a young Rockie or two was fathered by Travis Henry.

Skeptics will claim that a major league baseball club, even on a historic run, will have no chance against a top-level NFL team like Pittsburgh. However, Colorado has numerous factors in its favor. In the Steelers’ only trip out west this season, they fell to the Arizona Cardinals. The Rockies, on the other hand, are 3-0 versus foes from Pennsylvania this month. Furthermore, National League clubs tend to be very successful when they face an opponent from Pittsburgh.

Also, while the Steelers have numerous stars, the Rockies seem to match up with each of them. Troy Polamalu can be answered by Troy Tulowitzki. Willie Parker gets balanced by Willy Taveras. And Ben Roethlisberger will be unable to throw the deep ball, since the footballs will be stored in a humidor.

Colorado, for its part, will respond with Todd Helton at quarterback. Helton, as frequently noted, backed up Peyton Manning at Tennessee. Manning is more than happy to help his old college buddy, since a Pittsburgh loss could help Indianapolis with its AFC playoff position down the road. Reportedly, Peyton’s most important piece of advice for beating the Steelers was “keep Vanderjagt off the roster.” Helton is unlikely to put up Manning-type numbers, but he can also be successful handing off the ball. This month the Rockies have been quite proficient at running sweeps.

While many fans will be intrigued to see if Colorado can continue its hot streak in a different sport, there are some dissenters. Chief among them is NBC, which is televising the game on Sunday night. After seeing the ratings for the NLCS, the network wanted no part of the Rockies in prime time. Also, MVP candidate Matt Holliday is adamantly against competing in an NFL game. Thinking back to the decisive play at the plate versus San Diego, he refuses to play a sport that uses instant replay.

Regardless of what happens on Sunday, Colorado will then turn back to its primary goal of winning the World Series. Like the Steelers two seasons ago, the Rockies hope to win a championship as a wild card team. As for Pittsburgh, it must quickly adjust its focus before this weekend. Champ Bailey won’t be waiting, but the NL champs will.

A Robert Redford Guide To Football's Unbeatens

2007-10-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

For many sports fans, Robert Redford is best remembered as mysterious baseball slugger Roy Hobbs in The Natural. However, the screen legend currently has a stronger connection to football - specifically to the remaining unbeaten college and NFL teams. In All the President’s Men, his Bob Woodward turned Washington on its ear, whereas Ohio State and Arizona State have knocked Washington on its rear. ASU has Sun Devils, while Redford has Sundance. New England and Indianapolis are reminding the AFC of The Way We Were – competing for last year’s Super Bowl berth. And for whatever reason, the NCAA still regards a top-division football playoff as an Indecent Proposal.

Redford’s films share additional connections to each of the thus-far perfect teams. Here’s a rundown.

NFL:

New England Patriots: Spy Game. This one was almost too easy. The movie was released on November 21, 2001, and the Pats went undefeated the rest of the way that season. Conspiracy theorists are checking the film to see if Brad Pitt taped the Rams’ sideline.

Indianapolis Colts: The Electric Horseman. Peyton Manning is a Colt who generates lots of electricity.

Division I-A (or whatever they’re calling it these days):

Ohio State: Lions for Lambs. The Buckeyes have mostly faced lambs in their run to #1, but they’ll be tested by the Nittany Lions on October 27.

South Florida: The Candidate. In the national championship chase, the Bulls were like Redford’s Bill McKay on the political scene: a complete unknown who was given no chance in hell by the establishment.

Boston College: Legal Eagles. These Eagles are working on the field, not in court. With a road win at Georgia Tech, they avoided The Sting by the Yellow Jackets.

Arizona State: Jeremiah Johnson. The Sun Devils’ November 3 showdown in Eugene could be impacted by a knee injury to Oregon running back Jeremiah Johnson. Cal visits Tempe the previous week, so like Redford’s character Jeremiah Johnson, ASU will have to survive in the midst of Bears.

Kansas: The Great Gatsby. Gatsby was named Jay, and was a newcomer to high society who took road trips to Manhattan. KU is named the Jayhawks, and is a newcomer to high society after a winning road trip to Manhattan. I’m pretty sure Redford looked better in a tux than Mark Mangino.

Hawaii: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The Sundance Kid was a great Western gunslinger. Colt Brennan is a great Western Athletic Conference gunslinger.

Marion Jones To Enter 2008 Tour De France

2007-10-12T06:20:00.000-07:00

The past week has not been kind to sprinter Marion Jones. After years of steadfast denials, she admitted to having used performance-enhancing drugs. This mea culpa came as she pled guilty to lying to federal investigators about her involvement in the BALCO case, as well as check fraud. Jones returned her five medals from the 2000 Sydney Olympics and retired from track and field, from which she had been suspended for two years. However, the disgraced speedster has already found an alternative to fill the void. Today Jones announced her plans to enter the 2008 Tour de France.

Jones explained her decision thusly: “Most people assume that everyone in the Tour de France is on steroids. So I’ll feel right at home!” Indeed, Floyd Landis was recently stripped of his 2006 title due to a failed drug test after Stage 17 of that Tour. That same year, pre-race favorites Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso were barred from competing on the eve of the race due to doping allegations. In 2007, leader Michael Rasmussen was removed from the race with four stages remaining, amid a dispute with the Danish Cycling Union over his availability for previous drug tests. While 7-time winner Lance Armstrong has never been sanctioned, he continues to be dogged by doping allegations. Jones would fit right in with this environment, even if she breaks away from the peloton to win a stage. She’ll not only be in the clear, she’ll be ON The Clear.

If possible, cycling seems even more drug-infested than track and field. Jones’s admission was stunning to sports fans, at least the ones who ignored that her ex-husband, shot-putter C.J. (“Caught Juicing”) Hunter, was a confirmed drug cheat. Or that the same was true of sprinter Tim Montgomery, the father of her child. Or that her name was all over the BALCO investigation and within the pages of Game of Shadows. Or that fellow track athletes continued to implicate her for doping. Or that…

In response to Jones’s admission, United States Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Ueberroth apologized to the people of Australia for the impact on the 2000 Games. He noted that one of the returned gold medals would be sent to boxer Roy Jones, Jr., since “he’s a Jones who actually deserved the gold!” Ueberroth also vowed, “We are pledging that we will have a totally clean team for the 2008 games in Beijing." In related news, next year’s U.S. Olympic contingent will consist of the rhythmic gymnastics and archery teams.

Most Tour insiders are skeptical that a cycling novice like Jones will be competitive. However, she has shown that she can succeed in sports other than track and field, having played for North Carolina’s 1994 NCAA women’s basketball champions. Having ruled on the (Chapel) Hill, she feels confident that she can do so in the mountains. Jones has already petitioned tour officials in an effort to improve her chances. She has requested that each stage of the race be exactly 100 meters long.

Whatever the result, her new athletic endeavor will likely prove beneficial for Jones. Currently, she has been besieged by bad publicity in her home country. By participating in the Tour de France, she will avoid any publicity at all in the United States. She will also be a trend-setter as the only woman on The Tour (though a much shorter Women’s Tour de France does exist). Facing potential jail time, Jones could achieve another historic first if she takes the overall lead. She would be the first Tour leader to forgo the traditional yellow jersey in favor of an orange jumpsuit.

Her Tour participation should also help from a financial perspective, especially while the International Association of Athletics Federations seeks to recover prize money and appearance fees from Jones. Tour winnings would help cover amounts owed to the IAAF, but potentially even more lucrative is a pending book collaboration with British author Helen Fielding. The women would join efforts on Marion Jones’s Diary, in which the speedster would intersperse recaps of the race with a neurotic outlook on weight struggles, smoking, drinking, and her obsession with Mark Darcy. A film adaptation is already rumored, with the part of Marion Jones to be played by either Renée Zellweger or Barry Bonds.

It remains to be seen how Marion Jones will adapt to the Tour de France. However, the Olympic movement is showing that it will adjust to the current drug-laden environment. Reportedly, organizers for the Beijing Games are planning a new touch for the lead-in to the opening ceremonies. Rather than a torch relay, a series of runners will pass a syringe to each other.

Ups & Downs of the Sports Weekend

2007-10-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

It’s been an eventful weekend in sports, with three sweeps in the baseball postseason, a dramatic Saturday in college football, and an action-packed Sunday in the NFL. Here’s a look at who was up, and who was down.

Up: Rudy in L.A. Notre Dame finally ended its futility with a road win over UCLA.
Down: Booty in L.A. USC’s John David Booty threw four interceptions in a stunning loss to Stanford. The downside for the Cardinal? They helped Cal get closer to #1.

Up: Rockies. Colorado finished off a three-game sweep of the Phillies.
Down: Rocky. Philly’s favorite icon saw another title opportunity fade away. On the bright side, Temple won a football game on Saturday. Yes, Temple. Seriously.

Up: LSU Tigers in Death Valley. A dramatic victory over Florida cemented LSU’s #1 ranking.
Down: Clemson Tigers in Death Valley. Clemson self-destructed in a home loss to Virginia Tech, fulfilling their annual obligation to rise to the top 15 before falling back to mediocrity.

Up: Brandon Lyon. He was part of the Diamondbacks’ sterling pitching effort in the NLDS, allowing no runs in three innings of work.
Down: Detroit Lions. A 34-3 trouncing by the Redskins dropped the Lions’ record in Washington to 0-21. Only Congress accomplishes less in D.C.

Up: Jayhawks on the Road. Kansas won at Kansas State to remain undefeated.
Down: Seahawks on the Road. Seeking revenge for Super Bowl XL, Seattle fell 21-0 in Pittsburgh. Completing the sense of deja vu, Jerome Bettis retired after the game.

Up: Travis Hafner. His 11th-inning single won Game 2 for Cleveland.
Down: Travis Henry. Facing a potential one-year suspension, Henry and his Broncos teammates suffered a 41-3 humiliation at home versus San Diego. He’ll need the entire year off to see all of his children.

Up: Michigan Alumni in Coaching. LSU’s Les Miles and Stanford’s Jim Harbaugh notched huge victories.
Down: Michigan State Alumni. With a home loss to Northwestern, they again saw their team go into the tank once October arrived. Look for the Spartans to change their nickname to the A-Rods.

Up: Manny Ramirez. He followed up his Game 2 walk-off shot with a homer in the Red Sox’ Game 3 clincher.
Down: Aramis Ramirez. The Cubs third baseman had no hits in the three-game sweep by Arizona. But at least no one can blame him for 1909 through 2006.

Up: Samuel Peter. He retained his WBC heavyweight championship with a decision over Jameel McCline.
Down: WBC. Its heavyweight champion is some guy you’ve never heard of named Samuel Peter.

Up: Frank TV. As every baseball fan knows by now, it premieres November 20 on TBS. Two more promos ran while I was typing that sentence.
Down: Yank TV. While the Yankees staved off elimination Sunday, they still need two more wins to set up another Boston-New York ALCS. Like LeBron James, Fox executives are wearing their Yankee hats.

Up: Carolina vs. the Hurricanes. Butch Davis collected his first ACC win at UNC with a victory over his old Miami team.
Down: Carolina Hurricanes. They dropped a 2-0 contest to Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals on Saturday. But since it’s the NHL, no one actually saw it.

Up: Billy Goat. The Cubs still haven’t made the World Series since 1945.
Down: Rams. St. Louis and Colorado State are both 0-5. But to my dad’s delight, the Spring-Ford Rams took down Upper Perkiomen on Friday.

Up: Maurice Jones-Drew. His 52-yard touchdown run sparked the Jaguars to victory in Kansas City.
Down: Marion Jones. The gold medal sprinter finally admitted to taking steroids. Track and field insiders responded, “Well, DUH!!!!”

Up: Buckeyes in Indiana. Ohio State gave Purdue its first defeat of 2007 in West Lafayette.
Down: Buccaneers in Indiana. Tampa Bay was routed 33-14 in Indianapolis. Afterwards, Colts QB Peyton Manning went on a rant, complaining about Frank Caliendo being in more commercials than he is.

Up: Chase Daniel. The Missouri QB threw for 401 yards in a 41-6 rout over Nebraska.
Down: Chase Utley. The Phillie star matched teammates Jimmy Rollins and Pat Burrell with a .182 batting average in the NLDS. At least the Phils have one thing in common with the Red Sox: Curt Schilling has their most recent postseason victory.

Up: Kris Brown of the Texans. Houston’s kicker made all five field goal attempts, including the 57-yard game-winner versus the Dolphins.
Down: Mack Brown of Texas. Dating back to last season, his Longhorns have dropped four straight Big 12 matchups. But better days lie ahead. “Better days” meaning Iowa State and Baylor the next two weeks.

Up: Pats in New England. Tom Brady and company cruised once again in Foxborough.
Down: Bats Versus New England. The Angels managed just four runs in the three-game sweep by Boston. Looks like the Rally Monkey’s no match for the Green Monster.

Up: Ranked Bulls. South Florida entered the top 5 for the first time ever.
Down: Ranked Bulldogs. Georgia suffered a 35-14 blowout in front of 107,000 at Tennessee. 97,000 if you exclude Travis Henry’s kids.

Up: Undefeated Ohio Teams: Like Ohio State, Cincinnati beat a ranked opponent on the road to go to 6-0.
Down: Undefeated Wisconsin Teams. The Badgers fell at Illinois, and the Packers dropped a heartbreaker to the Bears. If the Bucks had been in action, they would have lost to the Bulls.

Up: National League West. Arizona and Colorado will square off for a berth in the World Series.
Down: AFC West. Ladies and gentlemen, your first-place Oakland Raiders!

A Cameron Diaz Guide To the MLB Playoffs

2007-10-03T06:50:00.000-07:00

The 2007 seasons of the San Diego Padres and Atlanta Braves have ended, so you won’t see Mike Cameron or Matt Diaz in the major league postseason. However, the division series will be filled with reminders of Cameron Diaz. Sure, There’s Something About Mary featured Brett Favre, not George Brett. And it was Being John Malkovich, not Being John Kruk. But her other film titles do relate to this year’s playoff clubs. Let’s take a look.

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

Chicago Cubs: Very Bad Things. That’s what’s been happening to this franchise since 1908.

Arizona Diamondbacks: The Mask. Equipment worn by Chris Snyder and Miguel Montero, who catch the NL playoffs’ top starter (Brandon Webb) and closer (Jose Valverde). If they didn’t wear a mask, well, you’d still have no idea who Chris Snyder and Miguel Montero are.

Colorado Rockies: The Holiday. MVP candidate Matt Holliday leads the wild card winners. Even though in the 13th inning on Monday, Cameron Diaz was as close to home plate as he was.

Philadelphia Phillies: Any Given Sunday. Clutch play is crucial at this time of year. Since the Mets didn’t have Any, the Phils were Given the NL East on Sunday.

AMERICAN LEAGUE:

New York Yankees: Gangs of New York. Like the Scorsese film, the Bronx Bombers are a big-budget production with high-profile stars. Here’s actually a good World Series omen for Cubs fans: at Oscar time, the movie lost out to Chicago.

Cleveland Indians: Feeling Minnesota. As the Twins did in four of the previous five years, the Tribe won the AL Central. The Twins’ pattern they hope not to follow? Getting bounced by the Yanks in round one.

Los Angeles Angels: Charlie’s Angels. Actually, they’re Vladimir’s Angels. Coincidentally, Aaron Spelling originally planned to call the TV series Charlie’s Angels of Anaheim.

Boston Red Sox: Shrek. The movie franchise and baseball franchise both bring in loads of money and feature a Green Monster. One more similarity in Shrek the Third: the star became a Big Papi.

Mets' Collapse By the Numbers, From 1 To 17

2007-10-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

After a September 12 victory over the Atlanta Braves, the New York Mets led the National League East by seven games with 17 remaining. A 5-12 finish, combined with the Philadelphia Phillies’ 13-4 closing run, left the Mets in second place and out of the postseason. New York thus became the first club in major league history to lose such a lead in the last 17 games. Here’s a by-the-numbers look at the Mets’ swoon, from 1 to 17.

1 Number of NL clubs who suffered a three-game sweep at home by the Nationals in 2007, thanks to Washington’s trip to Shea this week.

2 Field goals made (officially) by Auburn kicker Wes Byrum in Saturday’s stunner over the Gators. So unlike the Mets, at least someone stepped up this weekend against Florida.

3 Runs driven in by Bucky Dent on his famous home run versus Boston in 1978 – a game Willie Randolph missed due to injury. Sorry Willie - no one-game playoff for you this year, either.

4 Number of the train that stops at Yankee Stadium, where Mets fans can go to see postseason baseball.

5 Losses, without a win, for Notre Dame – the only team having a worse run than the Mets these days.

6 Emmy acting nominations Ray Romano received for Everybody Loves Raymond. This week the Mets caused more heartache for Ray Barone than his family.

7 Runs by which the Mets lost on Sunday, with their season on the line. Looks like March isn’t the only thing that goes out like a lamb.

8 Consecutive games the Mets have dropped to the Phillies. Only Santa Claus gets worse treatment in Philly.

9 Seasons Matlock was on the air, beginning in 1986. I figured Mets fans could use a reference to 1986.

10 Felonies O.J. Simpson has been charged with committing on September 13. He’s not the only athlete whose fortunes went south after that day.

11 Jersey number of Philadelphia’s Jimmy Rollins, who proved he had great foresight in January by proclaiming the Phillies “the team to beat in the NL East.” Less accurate predictions from that interview were “It’s the Mavs’ year” and “Kucinich is a real sleeper!”

12 Grand Slam singles titles for Roger Federer, including the recently completed U.S. Open. He’s the only male athlete who got to celebrate in Queens this month.

13 Runs scored by the Mets in Saturday’s victory. Sure, it was their only win of the week, but it was a REALLY decisive win.

14 Career postseason victories for Mets starter Tom Glavine, who trails former Atlanta teammate John Smoltz by one. Looks like Smoltz has bragging rights for another year.

15 Consecutive losing seasons for the Pittsburgh Pirates. So at least the Mets finished ahead of one team from Pennsylvania.

16 Points scored by the Giants in a win over the Eagles – Met supporters’ only consolation on Sunday. Unless they’re Jets fans – then they’re totally out of luck.

17 Games during the Mets’ 5-12 collapse in which third baseman David Wright had a base hit. Wright got less support than sportswriters at a Mike Gundy press conference.

Rex's Possible Replacements

2007-09-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

In a move considered long overdue by most Bears fans, this week Chicago head coach Lovie Smith demoted beleaguered quarterback Rex Grossman. While at first glance the decision to make Brian Griese the starter seems appropriate, it’s also far too obvious. Other current Chicago athletes, or figures associated with the Windy City, would have been far more interesting choices. Here’s a look at the QB credentials of a few of these possibilities.

Lou Piniella: As umpires would tell you, the Cubs manager is great at throwing things.

Alfonso Soriano: The perfect situation for him: let him put up big numbers, and you don’t need him to play defense.

Kerry Wood: In case the Bears want to go the “powerful right arm, injury-plagued career” route again.

Steve Bartman: Among Chicago sports fans, he’s probably more popular than Rex.

Ozzie Guillen: Non-stop swearing at the quarterback would be replaced by non-stop swearing BY the quarterback.

A.J. Pierzynski: He can take a hit – assuming Michael Barrett is rushing the QB.

Mark Buehrle: Unlike Rex, when he throws the ball, the opponents usually don’t score.

Joakim Noah: Like Grossman, he’s a Florida Gator who’s now in Chicago. And he actually HELPS his team in a championship game.

Luol Deng: As Northwestern proved two weeks ago, Dukies can win football games in Chicago. Just nowhere else.

Ben Wallace: He’s not known for his offense, but neither is Rex.

Martin Havlát: As the points leader for the Black Hawks, he’d love for Chicago sports fans to actually see him when he scores.

Oprah Winfrey: She reigns supreme on weekday afternoons, so why not do the same on Sunday afternoon?

Peter Cetera: He’s experienced in leading a group called Chicago.

Richard Daley: He’s won six mayoral elections in the Windy City. So at least someone in Chicago knows how to go for six.

Bill Murray: The quarterback position would continue to be a source of comedy.

Brett Favre Limericks

2007-09-24T00:47:00.000-07:00

After Sunday’s NFL action, five teams stand at 3-0. The most surprising unblemished record belongs to Green Bay, which turned back visiting San Diego 31-24. One not-so-shocking aspect of the game was that Packers quarterback Brett Favre tied another league record, matching Dan Marino with 420 career touchdown passes. Clearly Favre’s resume is impressive enough to warrant some limericks in his honor. Here are a few.

There is a QB named Brett
Lots of NFL records he’s set
It’s easy to state
What’s made him so great:
He doesn’t suit up for the Jets

He’s linked to Miami’s Marino
Setting records just like the Bambino
“Your QB won’t fail
If he’s not stuck in jail”
Says Falcons coach Bobby Petrino

Brett’s always been quite a dice roller
Not afraid to get smacked in the molars
He replaced Don Majkowski
And like The Big Lebowski
He’d soon be a Super Bowler

He played college with Golden Eagles
With the Packers his status is regal
Every year it’s the same
He misses no games
Just like the old punter Jeff Feagles

He makes escapes like MacGyver
Thanks to help he gets from Donald Driver
Brett knows to succeed
A good partner you need
Like Arnold has Maria Shriver

For him it’s the ultimate rush
To leave Soldier Field fans in a hush
A three-time MVP
It’s easy to see
Why he’s John Madden’s biggest man-crush

For so long this franchise he’s led
But soon comes the day Pack fans dread
He will have to go
And you’ll see at Lambeau
Lots of tears underneath the Cheeseheads

Spotlight On C.C.

2007-09-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

His name is Sabathia, but they call him C.C. Why?

Cleveland Craves a Championship Celebration like the Cardinals, Colts, and Spurs, who left the Cavaliers Crushed. Sure, the locals are Currently Chipper after Crennel’s Constantly Criticized Crew outscored the Carson/Chad show on Sunday. But the Cursed City, thanks in part to Craig Counsell, has no titles since the year Cassius Clay became more than a Cocky Challenger. Since 1948, Indians have often been slaughtered as if Christopher Columbus were around. They’ve Clumsily Committed pratfalls like Chevy Chase and often been less exciting than Chinese Checkers, without the Charmingly Crappy appeal of the Chicago Cubs.

But Wednesday’s win over Detroit made Sabathia’s Cy Credentials Crystal Clear, leaving him ready to join the Coveted Company of Chris Carpenter and Cooperstown’s Carlton. His Current Career win total leaves him one shy of the Century Club, though he’s younger than Chelsea Clinton. He could be a Commanding Closer like Chad Cordero, but he’d rather pitch Complete Contests. Right now he’s hotter than Cindy Crawford in the early 90s, with his Consistently Confounding performances leaving bats as silent as Charlie Chaplin. Hitters are Cruelly Confused, like the Cameron Crazies at a football game. Yes, he’s scarier than Carrie, Cujo, or anything else in Stephen King’s Chilling Collection.

To teammates, his pitching is sweet as a Candy Cane or Chocolate Cake. Charmed Catcher Victor Martinez grins like a Cheshire Cat. Helping the cause are Fausto Carmona, Casey Blake, and Grady Sizemore, the Centerfielder Chicks adore. Sabathia used to play with Coco Crisp, whose name sounds like a Children’s Cereal like Cap’n Crunch or Count Chocula. Soon, with the Central Clinched, it will be Case Closed for the Tigers. The Indians will Chug Champagne, unlike Cincinnati, Colorado, and other pretenders.

MTV once showcased his California Crib. But now he’s the focus of ESPN, the Connecticut Cable giant where Colin Cowherd Cashes Checks. Like Serena Williams (with whom he once formed a Celebrity Couple) on Center Court, Sabathia hopes to Clobber Competitors in the postseason. If so, expect lots of Curtain Calls for C.C.

Notre Dame & Other NBC Shows

2007-09-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

In a matchup of proud but struggling programs, Michigan throttled Notre Dame 38-0 on Saturday. While the Wolverines hope the victory turns around their season, the Fighting Irish are left to wallow in the misery of an 0-3 start. The Golden Domers famously have a broadcast agreement with NBC for their home games. These days, the action from South Bend bears no resemblance to the high-level NFL games featured by the network on Sunday nights. But how do the Irish stack up with NBC shows on other nights? Here’s a look at the network’s fall lineup, and how those titles relate to the team.

MONDAY:

8:00: Chuck: Coach Charlie Weis, or the upchucking he’s been doing after games.

9:00: Heroes: People who are nowhere to be found at Notre Dame Stadium.

10:00: Journeyman: Another term for Midshipman – someone who actually has a shot at the Irish this year.

TUESDAY:

8:00: The Biggest Loser: What ND will be on October 20, when USC comes to town.

9:00: The Singing Bee: A Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket, after his team’s 33-3 domination in South Bend.

10:00: Law & Order: SVU: Riots that would take place on the campus of victorious Southern Virginia University (SVU), if only they got to play the Irish.

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 (Also Friday at 8:00): Deal or No Deal: Phrase frequently uttered by ND fans as they look to unload their tickets.

9:00: Bionic Woman: A reminder of the late 1970s – something the program could really use.

10:00: Life: Something the offense desperately needs.

THURSDAY:

8:00: My Name Is Earl: What babbling former coach Lou Holtz is saying right now in the ESPN studio.

8:30: 30 Rock: The team’s first three games, in which the Irish have gotten rocked by an average of 30.

9:00: The Office: Where ND alumni are getting abuse from co-workers every Monday morning.

9:30: Scrubs: Players who only see action in blowouts, also known as games vs. Notre Dame.

10:00: ER: As opposed to “Wake Up the Echoes,” it’s an abbreviation for “Echoes Resting.”

FRIDAY:

9:00: Friday Night Lights: Like ND home games, it’s an NBC broadcast that focuses on a high school football team.

10:00: Las Vegas: Where the Irish want to play their games, since what happens there, stays there.

Top 10 Excuses By Matt Estrella For Taping the Jets' Sideline

2007-09-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

The New England Patriots are currently in hot water with the NFL, after the league determined that the Patriots illegally videotaped defensive signals by the New York Jets’ coaches on Sunday. NFL security officials had confiscated a camera and videotape from New England video assistant Matt Estrella during the first quarter of the Patriots’ 38-14 victory.

New England faces the possibility of significant sanctions from commissioner Roger Goodell, including the potential loss of multiple draft picks. The Patriots will be allowed to present their case before Goodell makes his decision. As part of the team’s defense, Estrella has reportedly prepared his top 10 excuses for taping the Jets’ sideline. Here is an exclusive look at his list.

10. I figured Joe Namath would be making creepy passes at a sideline reporter again.

9. Seriously, does Tom Brady really need my help against the Jets?

8. I had politely asked the Jets’ coaches to tell us their defensive strategy, and the bastards said no!

7. No one stopped me, since the home fans were too busy cheering Chad Pennington’s injury.

6. Since I was in Jersey, I was trying to shoot a better ending to The Sopranos.

5. I heard that Miss Teen South Carolina was on the Jets’ sideline.

4. Come on, aren’t you glad someone actually shot some video WITHOUT Peyton Manning?

3. My judgment was impaired after that injection from Rodney Harrison.

2. I needed evidence to expose the Jets’ dog-fighting ring.

AND…

1. It was either that, or making a Bill Belichick sex tape.

Lloyd Carr's Supporters

2007-09-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan endured the humiliation of a 39-7 whipping by Oregon. The loss dropped the Wolverines to 0-2 after beginning the season as the #5 team in the nation. Fans were already calling for coach Lloyd Carr’s job in the wake of last week’s embarrassment versus Appalachian State. Those cries are sure to reach a fever pitch after the latest debacle.

While it seems that Carr has no support whatsoever these days, numerous high-profile individuals remain highly enthusiastic about him. Here are some of those people who are very supportive of Carr’s performance so far this season.

Matt Millen: No longer is he the most vilified football figure in Michigan.

John Beilein: Carr is already taking care of Beilien’s primary goal: turning Michigan into a basketball school.

Frugal Football Fans: For the first time anyone can remember, cheap tickets will be available to a Notre Dame-Michigan football game.

Joey Harrington: With Dennis Dixon’s dominant performance on Saturday, Harrington finally got to see an Oregon quarterback thrive in Michigan.

Mike Babcock: The Detroit Red Wings coach endured a painful elimination by Anaheim in the playoffs. But now someone in the area has had a far more embarrassing loss to the Ducks.

Sean McManus (President, CBS Sports): He doesn’t have to worry that Saturday’s Notre Dame-Michigan game will take viewers away from Florida-Tennessee.

John Swofford (Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner): With all the attention on the Wolverines’ plight, the ACC’s sorry performance has stayed out of the limelight.

Proponents of the Spread Offense: Michigan’s defense is proving how well this type of system can work.

Bob Raymond (Detroit Tigers Vice President, Marketing & Ticket Sales): The local sports fans want to see a team that might actually win at home.

Mark Silverman (President, Big Ten Network): Critics scoffed at the selection of games on the new network. But during Michigan-Appalachian State, it became must-see viewing.

James Duderstadt: A long-time science and engineering professor as well as a former U of M President, Duderstadt has criticized the university for placing far too much importance on winning football games.

Pat Hill: Next week, the Fresno State coach faces an elated Oregon team due for a letdown.

Ohio State & Michigan State Fans: No explanation necessary.

A Comparison of Chases

2007-09-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

This Saturday night in Richmond, the Chase For the Nextel Cup field will be set after the Chevy Rock & Roll 400. Meanwhile, up I-95, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley will be aiding the Phillies’ playoff push while stating his case to replace teammate Ryan Howard as National League MVP. One Chase will definitely extend into November, and the other hopes to play into October. Here’s a comparison of the Chases.

Chase For the Cup: Starts after race #26
Chase Utley: All-Star starter who wears #26

Chase for the Cup: Cars crash into walls at high speed
Chase Utley: Teammate Aaron Rowand crashes into walls at high speed

Chase for the Cup: Hugely popular among rednecks
Chase Utley: Hugely unpopular among Reds pitchers

Chase For the Cup: Features race fans showering Jeff Gordon with boos
Chase Utley: Hears Philly fans showering Tom Gordon with boos

Chase for the Cup: Lead-in races included the Citizens Bank 400
Chase Utley: Hitting close to .400 at Citizens Bank Park

Chase For the Cup: Unlikely to include “Little E” in the #8
Chase Utley: Last “E” he made was #8

Chase for the Cup: Finishes on a weekend in Homestead, Florida
Chase Utley: Starts a homestand this weekend against Florida

Chase for the Cup: Chevys rule the standings
Chase Utley: Mets rule the standings

Chase For the Cup: With last Sunday’s win, Jimmie Johnson is the NASCAR driver of the week
Chase Utley: Teammate Jimmy Rollins is the NL Player of the Week

Chase for the Cup: Filled with left turns
Chase Utley: Phil who bats left and turns two

Chase for the Cup: Tony Stewart celebrates victories by climbing the fence
Chase Utley: Phillies celebrate victories when he goes over the fence

Chase for the Cup: Competitors for the title include Matt Kenseth
Chase Utley: Competitors for the batting title include Matt Holliday

Chase for the Cup: Teams need a strong pit crew
Chase Utley: Team is stronger than the Pittsburgh crew

Chase for the Cup: Infield drunks rack up the DUI’s
Chase Utley: Infield star racks up the RBI’s

Chase for the Cup: Some races will feature the Car of Tomorrow
Chase Utley: Some say teammate Cole Hamels is the Carlton of Tomorrow

Chase for the Cup: Drivers must make wise use of drafting
Chase Utley: By choosing him 15th overall in 2000, Phillies made wise use of drafting

Chase for the Cup: Driving from the pole is ideal
Chase Utley: Driving one off the foul pole is ideal

Chase for the Cup: In every race, they’re trading paint
Chase Utley: Became every-day starter after trading of Polanco

Chase for the Cup: Cars have restrictor plates at Talladega
Chase Utley: Never restricted at the plate in Philadelphia

Chase for the Cup: Goal is the checkered flag
Chase Utley: Goal is the NL pennant

Fun Facts About Appalachian State

2007-09-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

Last December, Michigan football fans howled over being left out of the BCS national championship game. Today, the Wolverines aren’t even worthy of the Division I-AA championship. Saturday at the Big House, Appalachian State stunned the fifth-ranked Goliaths from the Big Ten, departing Ann Arbor with a 34-32 triumph. You may know that the Mountaineers are the two-time defending national champions in their classification. But what else do you know about ASU? Here are some fun facts.

App State is located in the city of Boone, named for the character from Animal House.

ASU began in 1899 as Watauga Academy. If App State were still an academy, it would be on Notre Dame’s schedule.

By capturing the Division I-AA title in 2005, ASU became the first North Carolina school to win an NCAA championship in football. I know - it’s a shocker that Duke never did so.

As numerous commentators have noted, Division I-AA is now known as the Division I Football Championship Subdivision. None of those commentators have kept a straight face while saying it.

Like Jim Tressel with Youngstown State in 1993 and 1994, ASU coach Jerry Moore won consecutive national championships in 2005 and 2006. When you’re taking on Michigan, being like Jim Tressel is a good thing.

ASU has the highest elevation of any U.S. university east of the Mississippi River, inspiring the team slogan “Our football players are higher than Ricky Williams!”

Appalachian currently has a 27-game home winning streak – 27 games longer than Michigan’s current home winning streak.

ASU’s Kidd Brewer Stadium is affectionately known as “The Rock,” due to frequent shoot-outs there involving Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

The App State fight song, Hi Hi Yikas, is sung to the tune of the German folk song Bergvagabunden. Because nothing is more synonymous with high-level football than German folk songs.

ASU’s alma mater is called Cherished Vision, not to be confused with Kool and the Gang’s Cherish. But wouldn’t it be awesome if Kool and the Gang sang your school’s alma mater?

My sister-in-law in Florida is an Appalachian State alumna. So to please his mom, I’m sure my four-year-old nephew Matt will trade in his Gator helmet for a Mountaineer one.

According to the ASU media guide, the name of its mascot Yosef comes from “mountain talk for ‘yourself.’” English professors must be thrilled that the symbol of their university champions the value of “mountain talk.”

Former Mountaineer player Ron Prince is the head coach of Kansas State, which lost a late lead at Auburn Saturday night. So the upset bug wasn’t quite contagious among Appalachian State guys.

In the 1987 Rose Bowl, Michigan lost its only-ever matchup with Arizona State. So if you’re ASU, the Wolverines can’t beat you.

Saturday also featured a West Virginia rout over Western Michigan, so the state of Michigan was completely owned by Mountaineers.

App State’s next opponent is Lenoir-Rhyne. I’m sure that game will have over 100,000 fans too.

ASU’s chancellor is Dr. Kenneth Peacock. Like all male Peacocks, he displays his extravagant tail when he strolls the campus.

Each year, App State plays Western Carolina for possession of the Old Mountain Jug. Quirky trophies are often at stake in Big Ten games, so it’s no wonder the Mountaineers felt at home in Ann Arbor.

Mack Brown was ASU’s head coach in 1983. I’m guessing he didn’t have anyone like Vince Young at the time.

An Appalachian Summer Festival is the social event of the year on campus. Well, not this year, after the parties tonight.

AL West Renamed The Guerrero Division

2007-08-30T15:26:00.001-07:00

Wednesday in Seattle, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim routed the Mariners 8-2 to complete a three-game sweep of their closest divisional pursuers. Vladimir Guerrero smacked his 22nd home run of the year, as the Angels moved to five games in front of Seattle. At the time, the division was known as the American League West. However, Major League Baseball has announced that the AL West will now be known as the Guerrero Division.

The decision was based on Vlad’s complete dominance against divisional foes this season. In 37 games against Seattle, Oakland, and Texas, Guerrero has 12 home runs, 41 RBI, and a .438 batting average. As commissioner Bud Selig remarked, “The change from the AL West to the Guerrero Division is just a formality. We just wanted to recognize what is already obvious: Vladimir owns that division.”

Guerrero has been a particular nuisance to the second-place Mariners. In 14 games versus the M’s, he has batted .500, with five home runs and 17 RBI. In the Emerald City, Vladimir is responsible for more runs than Shaun Alexander. No one has done more scoring at Safeco Field this year, unless Senator Larry Craig ducked into one of its men’s rooms.

The Dominican superstar hasn’t been any easier on his Northern California adversaries. In 10 matchups with the A’s, Guerrero has gone deep six times, with 13 RBI and a .432 batting average. When Vlad won last month’s Home Run Derby in San Francisco, he must have believed that he was across the bay in Oakland. Besides demoralizing the Athletics, Guerrero has completely ridiculed the Moneyball organization’s philosophy by flourishing with his free-swinging ways. As Oakland General Manager Billy Beane lamented, “We keep telling our guys the value of being patient and not chasing bad pitches. Then we lose because this freak of nature swings at everything from his eyes to his feet and knocks the ball out of the park! He makes me look like a total stooge!”

While Guerrero is hitting a mere .367 against Texas this year, historically he’s been a nemesis like no other to the Rangers. Vlad had a 44-game hitting streak against Texas until last August, when the Rangers ended the streak by walking him four times. The locals say that everything’s bigger in Texas. In the context of the Guerrero Division, that saying is true for the Rangers’ ERA, as well as their deficit behind the Angels. The Texas pitching staff has less chance of success versus Vlad than Paris Hilton does with the MCAT exam. The clubs square off in Anaheim this weekend, but the Rangers do have a plan for Guerrero when his team visits Arlington on September 24. Rangers Ballpark security has been ordered not to allow him onto the premises.

It is unusual for a professional sports division to be named after a person. However, long before the Guerrero Division, there was precedent in the National Hockey League. The NHL was once comprised of the Adams, Patrick, Norris, and Smythe Divisions. The comparisons between the former Montreal Expos superstar and the NHL do not stop there. Like the Stanley Cup, Guerrero used to be entrenched in Canada, but now he calls Anaheim home.

Guerrero is called by many nicknames, including Vlad the Impaler and Big Daddy Vladdy. However, for the unlucky trio of pursuers in the Guerrero Division, only one name fits for the fearsome slugger: The Angel of Death.

Dodgers To Play For Little League World Series Championship

2007-08-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

Sunday in Williamsport, Dalton Carriker smashed a walk-off home run in the 8th inning to lift Warner Robins, GA to a dramatic 3-2 victory over Tokyo in the Little League World Series. Carriker’s teammates jubilantly celebrated, believing that they had captured the LLWS title. However, one more obstacle remains for the kids from the Peach State. The championship will actually be at stake on Monday, when Warner Robins takes on the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Monday’s showdown resulted from an obscure loophole in the LLWS bylaws. According to this provision, competition for the Little League title shall be open to any ballclub managed by someone named Little. Therefore, the Grady Little-led Dodgers were entitled to a matchup with Sunday’s winner. The 2002 champions from Louisville benefited from the same rule, as manager Stuart Little became the first animated mouse to capture the title.

The controversial decision sparked an immediate public outcry. As one critic pointed out, “Sure, L.A.’s had a youth movement this year, but not a movement to youth baseball!” Serious questions of fair play have arisen, as rather than 11 and 12-year-old players, the Dodger roster ranges from 22-year-old Matt Kemp to 44-year-old new addition David Wells. Warner Robins parents are particularly concerned about Wells, fearing that he’ll take their kids out drinking before the game.

Little League officials responded that Warner Robins will provide the Dodgers with more of a challenge than their previously scheduled Monday opponents, the Washington Nationals. Also, the Dodger franchise has a strong historical connection with Little League. The LLWS began in 1947, the same year Jackie Robinson ushered in a new era for the Brooklyn Dodgers. Furthermore, Los Angeles has taken to heart the Little League Pledge: “I trust in God. I love my country and will respect its laws. I will play fair and strive to win. But win or lose I will always do my best.” The Dodgers’ version has the slight modifications of “I trust in Lasorda” and “but win or lose I will always hate the Giants.”

Additionally, Warner Robins has reasons for optimism as it enters Monday’s title matchup. Since their 1988 World Series championship, the Dodgers are a woeful 1-12 in playoff games. In their previous postseason showdown with a Georgia ballclub, the Atlanta Braves swept the Dodgers out of the 1996 Division Series. Warner Robins will certainly feel like it has the advantage if L.A. turns to closer Takashi Saito. Carriker proved on Sunday that he can tee off on Japanese relievers.

Despite these issues, the Dodgers do have some items in their favor. They should feel comfortable in Williamsport, having gone 5-2 in Pennsylvania this year. Most significantly for Little, games in the LLWS are shorter than in the ALCS. Therefore, if his starter is leading after six innings, the game is over. Little can’t have a brain-cramp and leave his starter in until the eighth while the opponents tie the game.

Also, the Dodgers’ chances in the Little League World Series will be enhanced by two players who have already been World Series heroes. Taking his regularly scheduled start will be Derek Lowe, the winner in Boston’s Fall Classic clincher in 2004. If late inning heroics are needed, the Dodgers can turn to Luis Gonzalez in hopes of a repeat of his 2001 walk-off single against Mariano Rivera. If it gets desperate, L.A. could even try to reproduce a Kirk Gibson scenario, with a crippled slugger limping to the plate. That situation could arise if Jeff Kent tries to “wash his truck” before his final at-bat.

So the stage is set for Monday, as the Warner Robins kids take their shot against the big leaguers. The Dodgers will try to be the first LLWS champions from California since Long Beach won in 1992 and 1993. They already feel like the spirit of the 1988 postseason is on their side. Broadcasting for ABC, Orel Hershiser will be in the house.

Vick Abbreviations: Old & New

2007-08-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

The week's dominant sports story is that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will enter a guilty plea next Monday in a federal dogfighting case. At that time, Vick will make official his stunning fall from celebrated athlete to convicted felon. To see just how much his fortunes have plummeted, here's a look at numerous Vick-related abbreviations. First are the old, traditional meanings, followed by their new context.

NFL:
Old: National Football League
New: Now Freedom's Lost

NFC:
Old: National Football Conference
New: No Fighting Canines

ATL:
Old: Atlanta
New: Against The Law

VPI:
Old: Virginia Polytechnic Institute
New: Vick's Pending Incarceration

PETA:
Old: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
New: Plea Entered, Tells Attorney

ASPCA:
Old: American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals
New: Atlanta Sundays: Petrino's Crushing Agony

ESPN:
Old: Entertainment & Sports Programming Network
New: Endorsements? "Sayonara," Proclaims Nike

W-L:
Old: Won-Loss
New: Walled Lifestyle

QB:
Old: Quarterback
New: Queasy Blank

ATT:
Old: Attempts
New: Acquaintances: Totally Trouble

COMP:
Old: Completions
New: Cellmate's Opinion: Michael's Pretty

PCT:
Old: Percentage
New: Puppies Count, Too

TD:
Old: Touchdown
New: Torture-free Dogs

INT:
Old: Interception
New: Inmate, Not Teammate

YPA:
Old: Yards Per Attempt
New: Your Pet's Avenged

Arenas Loans "Agent Zero" To Webb

2007-08-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

He’s the reigning National League Cy Young Award winner. He’s thrown 42 consecutive scoreless innings for the team with the best record in the National League. However, Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon Webb still lags well behind injured teammate Randy Johnson in terms of national recognition. Skilled in the art of promotion, Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas has decided to lend a hand to Arizona’s ace. Arenas has loaned his “Agent Zero” moniker to Webb for the next two months.

The label is highly appropriate for the right-hander, since opposing lineups have put up nothing but zeroes against him since July 20. Friday night at Turner Field, Webb tossed a complete game two-hitter in a 4-0 victory over the Atlanta Braves. It was his third consecutive complete game shutout and left him 17 scoreless innings short of the all-time record, set by Orel Hershiser in 1988. Webb’s dominance has delighted teammates, with the exception of daredevil outfielder Eric Byrnes. Webb’s devastating sinker results in so many ground ball outs, it provides Byrnes with no opportunities to smash full-speed into walls.

In explaining his decision, Arenas reasoned that since he’s in the off-season, he can’t take full advantage of “Agent Zero” for the time being. Loaning it out to Webb brings the man known as “Hibachi,” “The Black President,” and “The East Coast Assassin” down to a dangerously low 78 nicknames. However, Arenas plans to reclaim “Agent Zero” as he opens the NBA season at Indiana on October 31, so Webb will be on his own if he pitches Game 6 of the World Series that night. Arenas was further motivated to loan out his nickname based on his enjoyment from writing a highly popular blog on nba.com. After hearing that blog is short for “web log,” he decided he should “give something back and help out a dude named Webb.”

Arenas does feel a connection with Webb in many ways. Brandon currently plays for Arizona, as Gilbert did in college. Webb has 60 career wins, equaling Arenas’s career-high in points. Also, both of them were Wildcats in college. Webb played at Kentucky, so expect Fox and TBS to capitalize on that background if he pitches in the postseason. Each of his starts will feature approximately 50 crowd shots of Ashley Judd.

Arenas has attached some conditions on the use of “Agent Zero” by Webb. After each start, the pitcher must hurl his jersey into the stands. Also, Webb must mimic Gilbert’s free throw ritual before every pitch. Therefore, the right-hander will spin the baseball around his waist and dribble it three times on the mound before tossing it to home plate. Webb has dismissed concerns that this activity would result in a balk, pointing out that he never has base-runners these days. Webb will not have to shout “Hibachi!” after each out, since the home fans in Phoenix don’t need any more reminders of things that are really hot.

Some Diamondback fans have expressed concern that the “Agent Zero” nickname could leave Webb susceptible to a season-ending knee injury, as Arenas suffered before last spring’s playoffs. However, the ace downplayed those fears, noting that he’s been a workhorse who exceeded 200 innings in each of the previous three seasons. Webb added that unlike Arenas, he’s highly unlikely to have Gerald Wallace fall into his leg while he’s on the mound.

Expecting to be fully healthy when the NBA season begins, Arenas is more eager than ever to pile up the points. In the meantime, the new Agent Zero will be keeping scores low.

MLB Before and After

2007-08-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

We’re about to hit the stretch run in baseball, so the time is right for an edition of “MLB Before and After!” Every once in a while, I do a “Sports Before and After” column as a way of paying homage to my Jeopardy! experience. As with the “Before and After” category on the show, the answer to each clue combines two different subjects, with the end of the first part being the beginning of the second. For example, if asked for the Florida Marlins pitcher who recently joined the Baltimore Ravens backfield, you would answer “Dontrelle Willis McGahee.”

Now that you’re prepared, go ahead and try your luck! Every entry relates to someone or something that’s currently involved with major league baseball. Answers are listed at the end, and there’s no need to phrase your responses in the form of a question. As a matter of tradition, the first clue always relates to UNC.

1. Detroit Tigers lefthander who’s a cold-filtered beer

2. 2005 Preakness and Belmont Stakes winner who just hit his 500th home run

3. 1978 Best Picture Oscar winner about a Houston Astros rookie outfielder

4. Stick shift named for the Philadelphia Phillies manager

5. Republican presidential candidate who’s a necessary piece of equipment for Ivan Rodriguez

6. Speedy Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder who’s a state capital

7. Fall Classic starring Mike Myers and Dana Carvey

8. Colorado Rockies slugger who’s a hotel where guests “Stay Smart”

9. Barney Fife catchphrase centered on the MLB commissioner

10. 19th century American art movement inspired by an Atlanta Braves starter

11. Fenway Park fence that got into a 1988 street fight with Mike Tyson

12. New York Mets third baseman who sang “I’m Too Sexy”

13. Samuel Jackson and Christina Ricci movie about the San Diego Padres manager

14. Applebee’s slogan about a Philadelphia Phillies starter

15. Steve Miller Band hit about an automatic pop-up out

16. Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder who sang “Saturday Night”

17. Cincinnati venue named for an ancient Greek king

18. Los Angeles Dodgers starter who starred on Laverne and Shirley

19. Kansas City Royals manager who hit the charts in 1990 with “Poison”

20. 2002 James Bond movie about the 2005 World Series MVP

21. Saskatchewan city named for a Seattle mascot

22. 1979-81 NBC series set in 2491, about a Fox broadcaster

23. Pictionary-like game show inspired by a San Francisco Giants outfielder

24. Long luxury car in which “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” is sung

25. Cincinnati Reds starter who starred in Death Wish

ANSWERS:

1. Andrew Miller Genuine Draft

2. Afleet Alex Rodriguez

3. The Deer Hunter Pence

4. Charlie Manuel Transmission

5. Catcher’s Mitt Romney

6. Juan Pierre, South Dakota

7. Wayne’s World Series

8. Matt Holliday Inn Express

9. Nip it in the Bud Selig!

10. Tim Hudson River School

11. Mitch “Blood” Green Monster

12. David Wright Said Fred

13. Bud Black Snake Moan

14. Adam Eaton Good in the Neighborhood

15. Infield Fly Like an Eagle

16. Jason Bay City Rollers

17. Alexander the Great American Ballpark

18. Brad Penny Marshall

19. Buddy Bell Biv Devoe

20. Jermaine Dye Another Day

21. Mariner Moose Jaw

22. Joe Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

23. Randy Winn, Lose Or Draw

24. 7th-inning Stretch Limousine

25. Charles Bronson Arroyo

13 Majors

2007-08-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

Sunday at a scorching Southern Hills Country Club, Tiger Woods outpaced Woody Austin by two strokes to capture his fourth PGA Championship. Woods now has 13 major titles overall. Outside the golf world, “Major” can mean many things. In honor of Tiger, here’s a look at 13 such Majors.

John Major: Former British Prime Minister. On three occasions, Tiger has also ruled the British.

Major League: Tiger’s shots were much more accurate than Rick Vaughn’s pitches. Still, it would have been cool to hear “Wild Thing” blasting as Woods walked down the 18th fairway.

Mid-Major: Classification for the Tulsa Golden Hurricane, located in the tournament’s host city.

Lee Majors: Best known as The Six Million Dollar Man. Tiger makes that on a good weekend.

5-Minute Major: Punishment for fighting in ice hockey. So let’s recap. NHL: Pummeling someone with punches takes you out for five minutes. PGA: Signing an incorrect scorecard takes you out completely. Maybe Sergio should put on some skates.

Major Harris: Redshirt sophomore quarterback who led West Virginia to an undefeated regular season in 1988. Woods also knows how to win after putting on a red shirt.

Major Margaret Houlihan: M*A*S*H* character known as “Hot Lips.” With triple-degree temperatures each day, everything was hot at Southern Hills.

Economics: Tiger’s major at Stanford. Ironically, he learned far more about the subject by leaving college early.

Major Dad: Sunday provided a reminder of the Gerald McRaney sitcom, as Woods won his first major as a dad.

Ursa Major: Big Dipper constellation whose name means “Great Bear.” Tiger is gaining on the great Golden Bear.

Major Steve Trevor: Companion of Wonder Woman. Tiger is buddies with golf’s wonder woman, Annika Sörenstam.

“Major Tom”: Hit 1983 song by Peter Schilling. With 13 majors, Woods has equaled the combined total of Tom Watson, Tom Lehman, Tom Kite, Tom Weiskopf, Tommy Aaron, and David Toms.

Major Payne: Damon Wayans trained the “green boys,” including a cadet named Tiger. The other Tiger trains to win green jackets.

Bonds & Other Barrys

2007-08-10T01:35:00.000-07:00

As everyone knows by now, Barry Bonds slammed his 756th major league home run Tuesday night, breaking the all-time record. Bonds has passed Hank, but how does he compare to other Barrys? Let’s take a look.

Barry Bonds: Smoked the record-breaker off a Washington player
Marion Barry: Smoked crack as the Washington mayor

Barry Alvarez: Was the leader of the Wisconsin Badgers
Barry Bonds: Thanks to him, the MLB leader from Wisconsin was badgered

Barry Bonds: Has a high on-base percentage for the Giants
Barry Zito: Has a high earned run average for the Giants

Rick Barry: Was a prickly Bay Area superstar
Barry Bonds: Is a prickly Bay Area superstar

Barry Bonds: Somehow, he doesn’t have a World Series championship ring
Barry Switzer: Somehow, he has a Super Bowl championship ring

Barry Melrose: Noted for his mullet hair
Barry Bonds: Noted for his mammoth head

Barry Levinson: Collaborated with Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and Wag the Dog
Barry Bonds: Collaborated with Dusty Baker in Candlestick and Pac Bell Parks

Barry Bonds: Born in 1964
Barry Goldwater: Burned in 1964 election

Dave Barry: Displays his sense of humor as a newspaper columnist
Barry Bonds: Rarely displays his sense of humor to newspaper columnists

Barry Sanders: Retired before breaking the all-time record
Barry Bonds: To many fans’ chagrin, DIDN’T retire before breaking the all-time record

Barry Bonds: Draws lots of passes to get to first base
Barry White: Helped lots of guys get past first base

Barry Bonds: Endured a stressful home run chase
Barry Pepper: Endured a stressful home run chase, as Roger Maris in 61* (MLB must really hate him, given all the “No Pepper Allowed” signs at the ballpark)

Barry Foster: Rushed for 1,690 yards for Pittsburgh in 1992
Barry Bonds: Rushed out of Pittsburgh in 1992

Barry Manilow: Sang “Can’t Smile Without You”
Barry Bonds: Jeff Kent smiles without him

Barry Williams: Portrayed Greg Brady
Barry Bonds: Regarding two Andersons, critics say he got steroids from Greg and hit tainted home runs like Brady

Barry Larkin: One-time MVP who played shortstop
Barry Bonds: Seven-time MVP with a short fuse

Barry Bonds: Sports legend who testified before a grand jury
Barry Scheck: As part of O.J.’s defense team, made sure a sports legend didn’t testify before a jury

Barry Sonnenfeld: Directed Big Trouble and Wild Wild West
Barry Bonds: Team is in big trouble in the NL West

Barry Bostwick: Rocky Horror Picture Show star has inspired fans to throw toast
Barry Bonds: MLB star has inspired fans to throw syringes

Barry Gibb: Fueled disco fever with the Bee Gees’ smash hits
Barry Bonds: Fuels Giants fans’ fever with splash hits

A Woody Allen Guide To College Football's Top 16

2007-08-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

On Friday, the pre-season USA Today college football coaches’ poll was released. Stocked with stud athletes, you might not expect these teams to have anything in common with Woody Allen. However, the nebbish director’s films have relevance for each of the top 16. Granted, Sleeper isn’t an appropriate match for the teams at the top. Here’s the Scoop on the movies that do have a connection to the big men on campus.

16. Rutgers: New York Stories. With Allen involved, we have to include a team in the shadow of the Big Apple.

15. Tennessee: September. After road trips to Berkeley on September 1 and Gainesville September 15, we’ll know early if the Vols are award-worthy.

14. Auburn: Bananas. That’s what the entire state of Alabama will be on November 24, when Nick Saban brings the Tide to Jordan-Hare Stadium.

13. Georgia: Mighty Aphrodite. A Greek goddess is appropriate for a team that plays in Athens. To beat Florida for a change, the Bulldogs actually need help from the gods.

12. California: Shadows and Fog. That’s all opponents will see when trying to contain DeSean Jackson on kick returns.

11. Louisville: Deconstructing Harry. Harry Douglas will be in a leading role as he hauls in touchdowns from Brian Brohm.

10. Ohio State: Take The Money And Run. Lots of last year’s Buckeyes are now collecting NFL salaries. On a separate note, it’s safe to say that Allen isn’t the most popular Woody in Columbus.

9. Virginia Tech: Everyone Says I Love You. The Hokies will be everyone’s sentimental choice this fall.

8. Oklahoma: Crimes and Misdemeanors. Due to NCAA violations, the Sooners were stripped of eight wins from 2005. Unfortunately for them, the infractions committee was composed entirely of Pac-10 replay officials.

7. Wisconsin: Annie Hall. The character of Annie Hall was a Wisconsin native. The scenes in which Diane Keaton wore a cheesehead didn’t make the final cut.

6. West Virginia: Bullets Over Broadway. Pat White and Steve Slaton will give the Mountaineer mascot plenty of occasions to fire his gun. Meanwhile, former WVU players will be shooting up strip clubs.

5. Michigan: Anything Else. Before a game against Ohio State or a bowl opponent, that’s Lloyd Carr’s response when asked, “What would you rather be doing?”

4. Texas: Manhattan. Last year in Manhattan, Colt McCoy was knocked out of a loss to Kansas State. This December, McCoy hopes to be in another Manhattan.

3. Florida: Play It Again, Sam. Fans in Gainesville want another trophy. Yeah, another one.

2. LSU: Hollywood Ending. That’s what the Tigers would have if they win a national title in New Orleans.

1. USC: Celebrity. Speaking of Hollywood, the Trojans keep turning out high-wattage stars in Tinseltown. Pete Carroll’s not a bad director, either.

What's Next After "Who's Now?"

2007-08-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

If you’ve tuned into SportsCenter any time over the past month, you’ve been inundated with the question of “Who’s Now?” Tiger Woods and LeBron James are the finalists, with the “Now” person being revealed on Sunday. Presumably, the runner-up will have “Vice-Now” status and will assume the top position if the winner is no longer able to be “Now.”

ESPN has clearly enjoyed the “Who’s Now?” run, so expect to see some similar themes on future installments of SportsCenter. Here are some other possibilities, along with the potential winners.

Who’s Frau? Steffi Graf

Who’s Ow? Shaun Livingston

Who’s Meow? (The top Cat) Billy Gillispie

Who’s Yao? Yao Ming (Duh!)

Who’s Wow? Vince Young

Who’s Howe? (High-scoring Detroit Red Wing) Pavel Datsyuk

Who’s Dow? (An up-and-down Jones) Andruw Jones

Who’s Noun? (Person, place, or thing) Chuck Person

Who’s Mao? Yi Jianlian (Yao was already used)

Who’s Pow? Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

Who’s Crying Now? 1981 hit from Journey

Who’s Chow? Joey Chestnut

Who’s Sow? Darren McFadden (I know, a sow is a FEMALE Hog, but how many girls are up for the Heisman?)

Who’s Plow? Eric Snow

Who’s Cow? (Sacramento coach, in Phil Jackson’s words) Reggie Theus

Who’s Show? (As in Eric Show, who surrendered Pete Rose’s record-breaking hit) Victim of Barry’s 756th

Who’s Vow? (Just married) Tony Parker

Barry Bonds & The Simpsons

2007-07-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

After years of anticipation, The Simpsons Movie was released and claimed the weekend’s box-office championship. Another long wait will soon end when Barry Bonds slams his record-breaking 756th home run. The most obvious link between the two events is the word “Homer.” While Barry and Giants fans will shout “Woo Hoo!” as the record falls, many others will scream, “D’oh!” Besides Homer, here’s how some other Simpsons characters relate to Bonds and those associated with him.

Bart: People always point the finger at him for doing something wrong.

Lisa: She’s better than her peers and isolated in the classroom. Barry’s better than his peers and isolated in the locker room.

Maggie: She’s known for not talking.

Marge: By batting .167 against Cincinnati in his first post-season series, Bonds delighted Marge Schott.

Grandpa: Abe can’t move around like he did in the old days.

Patty & Selma: The duo causes nothing but headaches for Homer, just like Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada for Bonds.

Mister Burns: He’s rich and the most hated man around.

Smithers: Like trainer Greg Anderson, he’ll do anything for the man he worships.

Ned Flanders: Barry could solve his endorsement shortage by appearing in ads for The Leftorium.

Moe: Like Victor Conte, he serves up powerful concoctions.

Barney: He’s a fat drunkard, just like the guy Bonds passed with his 715th dinger.

Lenny & Carl: In 1993, Barry beat out Lenny Dykstra for MVP – 26 years after Carl Yastrzemski won the award.

Chief Wiggum: Like Bud Selig, he’s a chief who’s inept at stopping lawbreakers.

Ralph Wiggum: He makes some absolutely silly statements.

Apu: The Kwik-E-Mart may not have the cream and the clear, but it does have ice cream and Clearasil.

Principal Skinner: He tries to take the fun out of everything, like opposing managers who intentionally walk Bonds.

Mrs. Krabappel: She was once hopeful, before her dreams began to slide. The Pirates were hopeful in ’92, before Bream began to slide.

Milhouse: He’s constantly tormented, like pitchers facing Barry.

Nelson: Springfield Elementary’s resident bully has a high slugging percentage.

Martin: He shares a name with the best player on Barry’s hated arch-rival Dodgers.

Groundskeeper Willie: Close, but with Bonds it’s Godfather Willie.

Otto Mann: He drives the bus and uses drugs, while Barry drives the ball and, ahem, allegedly uses drugs.

Krusty the Clown: Bonds is crusty with the media, but seldom a clown.

Sideshow Bob: There’s often a sideshow around Barry, who’s the son of Bob.

Mayor Quimby: Surely the philandering leader of Springfield has had mistresses pose for Playboy.

Kent Brockman: The newscaster would have a tough relationship with Bonds, since he’s media AND a guy named Kent.

Reverend Lovejoy: He preaches “Thou shalt not steal,” although Barry has stolen 514 bases.

Dr. Hibbert: He has lots of experience with needles.

Lionel Hutz: He’s been gone since Phil Hartman’s death, but Bonds could have used him during grand jury testimony.

Comic Book Guy: He’s arrogant and voiced by Hank Azaria. Barry is arrogant and linked to another Hank A.

Ken Griffey, Jr.: In his Simpsons appearance, he was a major league superstar who wound up with a giant head.

The Pro Commissioners' Week in Limericks

2007-07-25T21:01:00.000-07:00

As a fan it's the ultimate wish
To be a pro sport's big fish
But when scandal and shame
Overshadow the game
It's a tough week to be a commish

One who knows this is Roger Goodell
Dogged by cruelty in the NFL
He's dying to see
The Falcons' QB
Get mauled by a pit bull in hell

Of David Stern's fears in b-ball
A game-fixing ref's worst of all
While the mob turned vicious
The feds got suspicious
When Tim made a travelling call

Bud Selig is also quite sick
At the park that replaced Candlestick
In the shadow of 'roids
He cannot avoid
Watching Barry hit 756

But amid all the media fuss
Gary Bettman's no gloomy Gus
"This week's not so rocky"
Crowed the leader of hockey
"'Cause nobody cares about us!"

British Open & Other Sports Connections

2007-07-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

Sunday at Carnoustie, Padraig Harrington outlasted Sergio Garcia and won the British Open after a four-hole playoff. As a European collecting his first major, Harrington represented what Garcia was painfully close to being. Sergio now remains saddled with the “can’t win the big one” label, along with Alex Rodriguez and numerous other athletes. Here are some other ways in which the British Open corresponded to the rest of the sports world.

British Open: Harrington and Garcia battled for the top spot.
Detroit Lions: In 2005, Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia battled for the top spot.

British Open: Golfers hit balls into the 18th hole water, known as Barry Burn.
San Francisco Giants: Barry hits balls into the water, as Bud Selig burns.

British Open: Unfortunately for Sergio, he couldn’t win the title before a playoff.
Dallas Mavericks: Unfortunately for Dirk, you can’t win a title before the playoffs.

British Open: Harrington’s final putt was a “Claret Jug shot.”
Ohio State Buckeyes: Embarrassment resulted from Clarett mug shots.

British Open: Sergio and Padraig outplayed their American competitors.
Ryder Cup: Sergio and Padraig outplay their American competitors.

British Open: ‘99 flashbacks showed a Frenchman losing because he didn’t use his head.
World Cup: A Frenchman lost because he DID use his head.

British Open: Its high-profile Lefty didn’t play on Sunday.
Atlanta Falcons: Their high-profile lefty won’t play on Sundays.

British Open: Sergio missed a title-winning par putt on 18.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Their third baseman sounds like “No More Garcia Pars.”

British Open: A champion was crowned by the North Sea.
Anaheim Ducks: A champion was crowned in the OC.

British Open: It brought a victory to the Irish that was long overdue.
Navy Midshipmen: A victory over the Irish is long overdue.

British Open: Richard Green had the best round of the tournament.
Florida Gators: Taurean Green had the best team in the tournament.

British Open: Andres Romero looked great after 16 holes before self-destructing.
San Diego Chargers: They looked great after 16 games before self-destructing.

British Open: Competitors struggled with their drivers in Scotland.
Indy 500: Competitors struggled against a driver from Scotland.

British Open: Harrington was king after 76 holes.
Philly Hoops: Billy King can’t fix the 76ers’ holes.

British Open: Two-time defending champ Tiger was a non-factor.
American League: Longtime non-factor Tigers are the defending champs.

Vick Launches Pro-Dog Campaign

2007-07-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of sponsoring a vicious dogfighting operation. Three other defendants were named in the indictment, which alleges that dogs were trained and fought to the death at a property owned by Vick in Surry County, Virginia. Vick may be elusive inside the Georgia Dome, but shaking free of prosecutors and a dog-loving public is another matter. With those concerns in mind, the Falcons star has taken immediate action to enhance his image by launching an aggressive pro-dog public relations campaign.

The first step in his pro-dog efforts will surely be popular in Atlanta, as he expressed his love for the Georgia Bulldogs. Vick stated that he has no ill will toward UGA for beating his Virginia Tech Hokies in last year’s Chik-Fil-A Bowl. He added that he is excited to be a mentor to third-string Atlanta quarterback D.J. Shockley, a former Bulldog. Vick also expressed his relief that SEC member Mississippi State is not on Georgia’s schedule this fall, since he can’t stand to see fellow Bulldogs hurting each other. Vick even suggested a humane alteration to Sanford Stadium’s signature cheer of “Go Dawgs! Sic ‘Em! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!” Upon kickoff in Athens, he urges UGA fans to yell, “Go Dawgs! Treat your adversary with love and respect! Because I believe all Dawgs should be kind to their fellow creatures!”

The quarterback also enlisted his pro-dog policy to try to upgrade his receiving corps. Many have noted that Vick has been figuratively stuck with a bunch of dogs at wide receiver. In an attempt to turn around the situation, Vick lobbied for owner Arthur Blank to literally sign some canines to play wideout. At the top of his wish list were Snoopy, the most athletic member of Peanuts, as well as Buddy, the multi-sport star of the Air Bud movies. Vick conspicuously did not mention University of Tennessee mascot Smokey. Reportedly, the Peerless Price experience soured him on Volunteer receivers.

Vick emphasized that greater interaction with dogs would help his team toward its ultimate goal of winning a Super Bowl championship. For inspiration, he referenced an Atlanta team that did reach the pinnacle. The 1995 Atlanta Braves won the World Series thanks to Cy Young Award winner Greg “Mad Dog” Maddux, as well as Fred “Crime Dog” McGriff. That entire 1995 season showed what dogs could accomplish on the field. Orel “Bulldog” Hershiser pitched for the American League champion Cleveland Indians, and Mo “Hit Dog” Vaughn was the AL MVP. Vick acknowledged that Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson could not win a championship in Atlanta, but as he remarked, “Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha couldn’t lead the Hawks to a title!”

The Falcon standout even plans to join dogs in sports other than football. Drawing inspiration from Chad Johnson’s win against a horse, Vick will put his speed on the line in a friendly race against a champion greyhound. Later, he’ll join forces with a team of huskies to compete in the Iditarod. Vick was not concerned about his lack of experience in the event. Indeed, he has proven that he can win as an underdog (pun intended) in a cold weather environment, having won a playoff game at Lambeau Field.

Vick also used his platform to encourage ESPN to pay more attention to dogs in sports. He was enthusiastic about the Worldwide Leader’s coverage of the Westminster Dog Show. In the next edition, Vick plans to enter his infectious Chihuahua named Ron, whom he purchased in Mexico. Although Ron does not have the statistics of a prototypical Westminster competitor, Vick feels that the dog’s freakish athleticism supersedes traditional stats and will cause serious matchup problems for his competitors. Vick did take ESPN to task for excluding canines from the World Series of Poker. As he remarked, “Come on, we all know dogs can play poker. Those paintings don’t lie!”

The charges against Vick are quite serious, and it remains to be seen what effect his pro-dog campaign will have. However, it cannot be argued that athletes and dogs are better off when they work together. That approach worked wonders for Scooby-Doo and the Harlem Globetrotters.

The Phillies & 10,000

2007-07-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

Sunday night in Philadelphia, the Phillies gave up six home runs in a 10-2 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals. While the Phightins remained above .500 for the season, they reached a dubious milestone as the first sports team with 10,000 defeats. Over time, the number 10,000 has been significant in numerous other ways. Here are a few of those, along with their relevance to the Phils.

In 1964, Billy Mills became the only American to win the Olympic gold medal in the 10,000 meter run. If he had been wearing a Phillies cap, he would have lost a 6 ½ meter lead with 12 to go.

10,000 Maniacs hit the charts in 1988 with “What’s the Matter Here?” and in 1989 with “Trouble Me.” Appropriately, the Phils finished those years in last place.

10,000 square meters represent one hectare. In their history, the Phillies have been represented by one Hector (Mercado).

“Land of 10,000 Lakes” is a nickname for Minnesota. Unfortunately for Phillies fans, Minnesota was the only team with a playoff series win over Joe Carter.

The Army of the Ten Thousand was a group of Ancient Greek mercenaries put together by Persian general Cyrus the Younger. As a Phillie, Steve Carlton collected four awards named for Cy the Young.

Salmon P. Chase is on the $10,000 bill. That’s fine with the Phillies – they love guys named Chase.

There are approximately 10,000 species of birds. In Citizens Bank Park, there are approximately 44,000 species of boo birds.

There is no zip code 10000, but 10001 is in Manhattan. So in more ways than one, the next loss will have the Phils thinking about New York.

The most recent ice age ended about 10,000 years ago. The Phillies’ ice age ended 27 years ago, when Tug McGraw struck out Willie Wilson.

Alaska’s Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes, after a 1912 volcanic eruption, was filled with burning ash. All-time, the most beloved Phil was Ashburn.

10,000 equals 100 times 100. 2 Phillie seasons resulted in “100 times winning.” 14 years saw “100 times losing.”

Dick Clark hosted The $10,000 Pyramid. He lived in Philadelphia for many years, and like Phillies fans, he’s seen lots of balls dropped.

The Egyptian goddess Isis was called “Isis of Ten Thousand Names.” Phillies fans have a lot more names than that for J.D. Drew.

10,000 is the square root of 100 million, which is about what Mike Schmidt would be making per year these days.

The phrase “live for ten thousand years” was used to bless emperors in East Asia. Hopefully, the Curse of Billy Penn won’t last that long.

A Look Back To 1996

2007-07-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night at AT&T Park, the American League edged the National League 5-4 in the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. The AL now has 10 wins and an infamous tie in the last 11 editions of the Midsummer Classic. The last NL victory was a 6-0 affair in 1996, a game celebrated by the slogan "Just 7 more years 'til it counts!" The venue from that matchup (Philadelphia's Veterans Stadium) was imploded years ago, and many other things have changed in the ensuing 11 years. Here's a look back at July 1996.

The Cubs were a mere 88 years since their last World Series title.

Notre Dame had a 13-game unbeaten streak versus USC.

Tiger Woods was two months from turning professional.

The Cleveland Browns did not exist - and I don't just mean their offense.

Bill Clinton was not having sexual relations with that woman.

New Lakers Shaq and Kobe couldn't wait to play together.

Mike Tyson was just really nuts, instead of really, really, really nuts.

Ken Caminiti was in the midst of an MVP season.

Dean Smith and Mack Brown were coaching at UNC.

Fortune Magazine's recent choice for "America's Most Innovative Company" was Enron.

John Elway couldn't win the big one.

"Junior" meant Griffey, not Dale.

National championships were won by schools other than Florida.

We were still sheltered from the greatest threat to American security: the Y2K Bug.

No one liked Billy Packer or Tim McCarver, but they kept announcing anyway. Some things don't change.

Bill Belichick just wasn't head coach material.

The current governor of California had just shot Jingle All the Way.

Lance Armstrong was a cyclist who hadn't yet been diagnosed with cancer. In other words, who the hell was Lance Armstrong?

Rick Pitino was a god in Lexington.

11-year-old LeBron James dreamed that 11 years later, he would be "Now."

Venus & Other Celestial Objects

2007-07-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

Earlier today at the All England Club, Venus Williams captured her fourth Wimbledon singles championship, dominating Marion Bartoli 6-4, 6-1 in the final. Only Martina Navratilova, Steffi Graf, and Billie Jean King have won more. While she may be the lesser-known Williams sister, Venus has cemented her status as the top athlete with a planetary name. Perhaps she should branch out and bond with other celestial objects in the sports world. Here’s a brief look at how she can do so. And no, it's not just an excuse for a bunch of Uranus jokes.

Williams would be a natural fit for the WNBA, and not just because she’s one of America’s top female athletes. The league is completely overflowing with celestial objects. Venus could join the Phoenix Mercury, Connecticut Sun, Houston Comets, or San Antonio Silver Stars. With names like that and the Chicago Sky, the WNBA seems to want its fans to be fixated on the heavens. It’s a curious marketing strategy, since so few of its players can get high enough to dunk.

For astronomical inspiration from the men’s side, Venus can always watch the Phoenix Suns. Or she can view films of classic battles between Wilt Chamberlain (The Big Dipper) and Bill Russell, who, like Saturn, was known for having lots of rings. Darryl Dawkins can tell her all about the planet Lovetron, as he gets heckled by Knicks fan Mars Blackman. If Venus prefers college hoops, she can check out the 1985 NCAA championship, won by a Super Nova.

Venus can also look to the NFL for fellow celestial objects. To win tournaments, she needs to go undefeated, like Mercury Morris with the 1972 Dolphins. By winning consecutive Wimbledon championships in 2000 and 2001, Venus emulated Bart Starr in the first two Super Bowls. She can see Starr’s bust at the Pro Football Hall of Fame, which also has enshrined Warren Moon. Rather than an Oiler, Moon would now be known as a Titan (Saturn’s largest moon). On October 28, Venus can watch the Titans against the Raiders – in Tennessee, not the Black Hole.

Baseball may not have as much relevance for Venus, unless you consider the sun’s future. In 4-5 billion years, the sun will enter a red giant phase. Williams can observe a Red Giant phase this Tuesday, if Ken Griffey, Jr. precedes Barry Bonds in the National League lineup. The sun will eventually fade into a white dwarf. As Venus and baseball historians know, the St. Louis Browns once used white dwarf Eddie Gaedel as a pinch-hitter.

Venus can also find astronomical objects in other team sports. The NHL, for example, has the Dallas Stars. However, her LA background and success in Britain will make her particularly interested in the MLS. She’ll be sure to catch up with David Beckham and the Los Angeles Galaxy.

In Saturday’s music news, the Live Earth concerts entertained crowds around the world. Wembley Stadium was one venue where rockers pledged their support for Earth. But elsewhere in London, it was all about Venus.

The Red, White & Blue of Sports

2007-07-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Today is the 4th of July, also known as the Poulan Weedeater Independence Day. Whether it’s fireworks, picnics, or Joey Chestnut gorging himself with 66 hot dogs, Americans are finding fun ways to celebrate the USA’s 231st birthday. The sports realm has a particular fondness for the red, white, and blue, even if the Cincinnati Reds, Chicago White Sox, and St. Louis Blues aren’t faring so well these days.

With the spirit of the day in mind, here’s a look at some Red, White, and Blue sports figures. Certainly, there are far more Reds and Whites to choose from in comparison to Blues. However, I’m giving equal representation to each color. Before proceeding, please rise, remove your hat and imagine that someone near your computer is playing the Star-Spangled Banner. If you’d also like to take a moment and wonder why you never hear the word “spangled” outside of a flag context, feel free.

RED:

Red Auerbach: The Celtics mastermind ruled the NBA for decades, but things got tougher in the 90s. Worst of all, after Cigar won the 1995 Breeders Cup Classic, Auerbach tried to light the horse on fire.

Red Grange: The Illinois and Bears star was known as The Galloping Ghost, because he enjoyed making pottery with Demi Moore.

Red Holzman: He coached the Knicks to the 1970 and 1973 NBA titles and passed away in 1998. Holzman briefly came back to life at the funeral, inspired by the arrival of a limping Willis Reed.

Red Klotz: As the leader of the New York Nationals (formerly the Washington Generals), Klotz is in charge of a team that’s destined to lose every time. The same is true of Matt Millen.

Michael Redd: The Bucks’ sharpshooter will represent Team USA later this summer in the FIBA Americas Championship. He’s preparing for the experience by playing bad defense against guys from Argentina.

Red Schoendienst: Teammate Stan Musial claimed that the Cardinal second baseman had “the greatest pair of hands I’ve ever seen.” Clearly he never saw George Costanza before the tragic iron mishap.

WHITE:

Byron White: Known as “Whizzer,” he was a Supreme Court justice and is a member of the College Football Hall of Fame. That dual feat was later duplicated by Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Charles White: As far as USC running backs go, he gets the edge over LenDale White. Charles won his own Heisman, while LenDale watched everyone around him get one.

Frank White: Frank gets the nod over Devon White because his 1980 Royals were kind enough to lose the World Series to my Phillies, unlike Devon’s greedy ‘93 Blue Jays.

Randy White: He was the Co-MVP of the Cowboys’ Super Bowl XII triumph. Don’t worry Randy - you don’t have to share this entry with Harvey Martin.

Reggie White: As we celebrate our freedom, it’s appropriate to mention one of history’s greatest Eagles. Another Philly icon, Ben Franklin, wanted the turkey to be the national symbol. So say it with me, in honor of Ben: “T-U-R-K-E-Y-S! TURKEYS!!!”

Shaun White: He’ll have particular relevance at 4th of July BBQs today, as food fights everywhere will begin with a Flying Tomato.

BLUE:

Forest Blue: You’ve probably never heard of him, but he made four straight Pro Bowls in the early 1970s as an offensive lineman for San Francisco. Most importantly, his name sounds like a Crayola color.

Vida Blue: He won the American League Cy Young Award in 1971 – a year after Jim Perry and a year before Gaylord Perry. Blue narrowly edged Matthew and Luke Perry.

Blue Edwards: He had the first triple-double in Vancouver Grizzlies history. No, I don’t care, either.

Blue Moon Odom: An Oakland teammate of Vida Blue’s, Odom had a 1.07 ERA in 42 postseason innings. As is common with Blue Moon pitchers, bartenders served him with a slice of orange.

Blue, Don Cherry’s bull terrier: Sure, the hockey commentator and his dog are much more famous in Canada. But Sunday was Canada Day, so why not share some holiday love with our neighbors?

Blue from Old School: He sacrificed his life in the midst of athletic competition. So for Frank the Tank and sports fans everywhere, he’s our boy.

Other Reasons For Hargrove's Resignation

2007-07-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today, the Seattle Mariners received some stunning news when manager Mike Hargrove announced his resignation. The club was on a seven-game winning streak, extended to eight with a 2-1 victory over Toronto in Hargrove’s last game at the helm. Bench coach John McLaren will now assume the reins at Safeco Field.

In explaining his unusual decision to leave a hot team at mid-season, the outgoing skipper said that he was finding it increasingly difficult to give the effort and commitment demanded by the position. Many baseball observers will surely look for something deeper. With that in mind, here are some other possible reasons for Hargrove’s resignation.

Seinfeld: Following the advice of Jerry, George Costanza triumphantly walked out of a meeting after cracking up his co-workers. With the winning streak still going, Hargrove similarly decided to leave on a high note.

Motivation: Managers sometimes decide to get ejected to fire up their players. If missing the rest of the game can have that effect, imagine what missing the rest of the season can do!

Supersonics: With Ray Allen being sent out of town, Hargrove figured that all the local teams were undergoing a youth movement. So the 57-year-old skipper gave way to 55-year-old McLaren.

Lack of Consistency: Including his four years in Baltimore, Hargrove had finished his last six seasons as manager in fourth place. With the Mariners in second, he had little hope of keeping his streak intact.

The Human Rain Delay: That was Hargrove’s nickname as a batter, due to his long, drawn-out routine between pitches. Given that deliberate style, it’s possible that his resignation actually started last month.

All-Star Selections: As a player, Hargrove made just one All-Star Game, going 0-1 for the American League in a 1975 loss. He is also the last AL skipper to lose the Midsummer Classic, dropping the 1996 contest. Despite winning in 1998, he still harbors ill will toward the game and decided to overshadow the announcement of this year’s rosters.

Adrian Beltre: He scored the winning run for Seattle today in the bottom of the ninth inning. Hargrove must be a Rocky fan, as he chose to end his career by hugging Adrian in celebration.

4th of July: Forgetting that his team would be in Kansas City, Hargrove invited lots of buddies over to his place to watch the fireworks. Canceling the party at this point would have been really inconvenient.

John Mc: In his first managerial job with Cleveland, Hargrove succeeded John McNamara. He came full circle as he ended his managerial career by turning things over to John McLaren. Preferred choices John McCain and John McEnroe were unavailable.

Apple: Now Hargrove finally has the time to go out and get an iPhone.

A Summer Movie Guide To The NBA Lottery Picks

2007-06-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

It’s summertime - the season for blockbusters to rule the box office. Putting up big numbers is just as crucial in the NBA, which held its draft Thursday night in New York. Among the 14 lottery selections, some will become A-list stars, while others will flop miserably. Here’s how they relate to this summer’s crop of movies.

1. Portland Trail Blazers, Greg Oden: Transformers. Highlighted by Oden, Portland’s roster has been completely transformed over the past two drafts.

2. Seattle Sonics, Kevin Durant: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Durant could be a Rookie of the Year forward, like Chuck Person and Larry Johnson.

3. Atlanta Hawks, Al Horford: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. As a Dominican, Horford is of the Caribbean. But he’s more shot blocker than swashbuckler.

4. Memphis Grizzlies, Mike Conley, Jr.: Mr. Brooks. Conley goes to the worst team in the league, so like Mr. Garth Brooks he’ll have friends in low places.

5. Seattle Sonics (from Boston), Jeff Green: 1408. Actually, new Sonics Durant and Green combined for 1431 points last year.

6. Milwaukee Bucks, Yi Jianlian: Shrek the Third. Like Shrek, Yi is a big man seen in footage from Far Far Away.

7. Minnesota Timberwolves, Corey Brewer: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. The Most Outstanding Player was fantastic at the Final Four.

8. Golden State Warriors (from Charlotte), Brandan Wright: Spider-Man 3. As often happens to Peter Parker, Wright was unable to stay together with MJ.

9. Chicago Bulls, Joakim Noah: Evan Almighty. An ark-building movie just has to be linked to Noah.

10. Sacramento Kings, Spencer Hawes: Live Free or Die Hard. Bruce Willis was partners in Planet Hollywood with a guy who works in Sacramento these days. Hopefully Hawes won’t be such a flop.

11. Atlanta Hawks, Acie Law: A Mighty Heart. Ask anyone who was victimized by his clutch shots.

12. Philadelphia 76ers, Thaddeus Young: Knocked Up. Most forecasts had him going later, but he got knocked up the draft board.

13. New Orleans Hornets, Julian Wright: Ocean’s 13. One number 13 goes with another. Also, both Wright and the Ocean series have been wildly inconsistent.

14. Los Angeles Clippers, Al Thornton: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The Seminole is headed to the Pacific Division, where Phoenix maintains order.

These players especially want to identify with The Simpsons Movie. Someday, they hope to end up in Springfield.

The Sports Week in Oregon: A State of Euphoria

2007-06-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

Next Wednesday is the Fourth of July, so celebrations are on the way in all 50 states. However, sports fans in one of those states will be setting off fireworks a week early. This week, Oregon is the sports capital of the USA.

Sunday night in Omaha, Oregon State won its second consecutive College World Series championship with a 9-3 victory over North Carolina. UNC also fell in last year’s championship series, so the Tar Heels once again settled for the honor of “best team outside of Corvallis.” The Beavers were superior in all facets of the game during the two-game sweep at Rosenblatt Stadium. Their advantage even extended to the dugout reporters, as Carolina settled for Kyle Peterson, while OSU hung out with Erin Andrews. ESPN invited an endless stream of inappropriate remarks by assigning its hottest female reporter to Beaver commentary.

OSU closed the postseason with ten consecutive victories. The run was particularly surprising given the club’s struggles in the regular season. The Beavers tied for sixth in the Pac-10 with a 10-14 conference record. They finished nine games behind league leader Arizona State, whom OSU beat 12-6 in Omaha. Last month, the Beavers endured a three-game sweep by the Sun Devils as part of a 4-8 May. However, a miserable May gave way to a championship in June. Dirk Nowitzki can only wish he had the same opportunity.

While the Portland Trail Blazers are not currently championship material, they will also have reason to celebrate this Thursday. The Blazers will take a step up in class after making the #1 selection in the NBA draft. Portland has not won a playoff series since its crushing Game 7 loss to the Lakers in the 2000 Western Conference finals. For a while, the Blazers still enjoyed relevance as the go-to team for cracks about criminal activity. However, even that honor has been stolen (as well as assaulted and driven drunk) by the Cincinnati Bengals.

However, on the heels of Brandon Roy’s Rookie of the Year campaign, the franchise will become relevant once again Thursday night. Unless Kevin Durant is the surprise choice, Ohio State’s Greg Oden will be Portland’s most anticipated draftee since Bill Walton in 1974. The Blazers certainly hope that Oden has better luck than Walton in avoiding injuries. However, they would be happy for Oden to follow the big readhead’s example in leading the Blazers to an NBA championship. Portland will even take the risk that 30 years from now, Oden will be an egotistical broadcaster bantering with Snapper Jones.

With sports in the Beaver State on the rise this week, perhaps it is time for Oregon to improve its state motto as well. The current one is “Alis volat propriis” - Latin for “She flies with her own wings.” First of all, no state should have a motto that sounds like a Patrick Swayze ballad from Dirty Dancing. Also, whoever “she” is, why would she be flying with someone else’s wings? The state animal is a beaver, so why would wings even enter the picture at all? Is the phrase a sly reference to the fact that One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest takes place in Oregon? As you can see, the current motto raises more questions than answers.

In the meantime, the state will enjoy its sports karma while it lasts. The Atlanta Braves could use some of that good fortune these days. The Braves have lost five straight games by a combined score of 27-1. If things continue to go poorly tonight against the Washington Nationals, expect manager Bobby Cox to get tossed early and break the major league record for ejections. Cox won’t stay around for the post-game press conference. He’ll be on his way to Oregon, looking for answers.

AFI's Top 100 & The BCS

2007-06-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, the American Film Institute unveiled its 2007 list of the top 100 American movies of all time. The current list was an update to one released by AFI in 1998. As is the case with college football, the honor of being #1 was decided by voters, and the films won’t be participating in a playoff anytime soon.

However, perhaps the AFI rankings could be used to set up BCS-style matchups between the top movies. Here were the BCS showdowns last year, with the BCS ranking of each participant:

Rose Bowl: #3 (Michigan) vs. #5 (USC)
Fiesta Bowl: #8 (Boise State) vs. #10 (Oklahoma)
Orange Bowl: #6 (Louisville) vs. #14 (Wake Forest)
Sugar Bowl: #4 (LSU) vs. #11 (Notre Dame)
BCS Championship Game: #1 (Ohio State) vs. #2 (Florida)

For the AFI matchups, we’ll simply substitute the equivalently ranked films in place of the above teams. Here’s a forecast of how these showdowns would turn out:

Rose Bowl: #3 (Casablanca) vs. #5 (Singin’ in the Rain). Casablanca was ranked #2 in the 1998 poll, so it has to be furious over being excluded from the matchup of #1 vs. #2. So like Michigan last January 1, it won’t have the necessary focus against a formidable opponent. Like USC, Singin’ in the Rain takes place in LA and features stars with amazing footwork. Rick and Ilsa may always have Paris, but they’ll want to forget Pasadena. The Pick: Singin’ in the Rain

Fiesta Bowl: #8 (Schindler’s List) vs. #10 (The Wizard of Oz). Both these opponents defy the conventional wisdom: the color movie is from 1939, while the 1993 film is in black and white. But you have to favor Schindler’s List here. “Powerful” is the word most often used for it. As for The Wizard of Oz, not only is the Fiesta Bowl not in Kansas, but the playing surface at the University of Phoenix Stadium contains no yellow bricks. Plus, a bowl game is no place for munchkins – or for Lions. The Pick: Schindler’s List

Orange Bowl: #6 (Gone With the Wind) vs. #14 (Psycho). It’s Vivian Leigh vs. Janet Leigh! As a southeastern powerhouse, Gone With the Wind should thrive in a bowl environment. And with this showdown taking place in Florida, it surely will have plenty of fan support. Psycho is lucky to be here, since it’s not even the highest-rated Hitchcock film on the list (Vertigo is #9). So Gone With the Wind will cruise, although afterwards it might get stabbed in the shower. The Pick: Gone With the Wind

Sugar Bowl: #4 (Raging Bull) vs. #11 (City Lights). City Lights faces many of the same issues as Notre Dame in last year’s Sugar Bowl. The 1931 Charlie Chaplin film was #76 in the 1998 poll, so there are serious questions about whether it truly belongs here. Also, as a silent film made in the age of sound, it’s desperately holding onto the past. On the other hand, Raging Bull is the top-rated sports movie of all-time, so it should relish the competitive environment. Also, its themes of violence and massive weight gain will be right at home in New Orleans. The Pick: Raging Bull

AFI Championship Game: #1 (Citizen Kane) vs. #2 (The Godfather). Citizen Kane is the clear favorite here. However, #2 usually takes down #1 in the BCS, and the same will happen here. The USC-Texas classic, in particular, provides a guide. Citizen Kane is a defending champion, having also been #1 in the 1998 survey. It ends with Rosebud going up in flames, just as USC’s dynasty went up in flames at the Rose Bowl. Whether it’s Vince Young or the Corleones, the winners will be masters of the shotgun. The Pick: The Godfather

Chances are, these matchups will never take place. But if they do, the AFI winners will be just like their BCS counterparts. They’ll look great in the film room.

U.S. Open's Ties To Other Sports

2007-06-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

Sunday at Oakmont, Argentina’s Angel Cabrera withstood a brutal course and challenges from Tiger Woods and Jim Furyk to win the U.S. Open. Golf’s second major of the year was Sunday’s top sports story, but it also mirrored storylines from the current or most recent seasons of the other major sports. Here’s a rundown.

U.S. Open: Angel Cabrera had a triumphant Sunday.
MLB: Angels’ Cabrera had a triumphant Sunday.

U.S. Open: Champion is from Argentina.
NBA: Champions Manu Ginobili and Fabricio Oberto are from Argentina.

U.S. Open: Golfers did a lot of cursing at the tee.
NFL: Fans did a lot of cursing at T.O.

U.S. Open: Champion is called “Pato,” Spanish for Duck.
NHL: Champions are called the Anaheim Ducks

U.S. Open: Low scores were rare in western Pennsylvania.
College Football: For Pitt defense, low scores were rare in western Pennsylvania.

U.S. Open: Nike icon Tiger Woods settled for runner-up status.
NBA: Nike icon LeBron James settled for runner-up status.

U.S. Open: Cabrera passed 3rd round leader Aaron Baddeley.
MLB: Barry Bonds wants to pass Aaron badly.

U.S. Open: Players had trouble with their drivers.
NASCAR: Teresa Earnhardt had trouble with her driver.

U.S. Open: Pennsylvania’s Jim Furyk finished one stroke short of a playoff.
NFL: Pennsylvania’s Steelers finished one win short of the playoffs.

U.S. Open (golf): No American has won since 2003.
U.S. Open (tennis): No American man has won since 2003.

U.S. Open: If you handled one green, the next green would get you.
College Basketball: Ohio State handled Jeff Green, but not Taurean Green.

U.S. Open: The leader was subject to change at any moment.
NBA: The Orlando Magic’s leader was subject to change at any moment.

U.S. Open: Tiger finished the weekend in second, one stroke behind.
MLB: Tigers finished the weekend in second, one game behind.

U.S. Open: Frustration was the norm at Oakmont.
NFL: Frustration was the norm in Oakland.

U.S. Open: Opening with a six was bad news.
College Football: For Ted Ginn Jr., opening with a six was bad news.

U.S. Open: Crowd-pleasing Phil Mickelson exited after the second round, hampered by a sore wrist.
NBA: Crowd-pleasing Phoenix Suns exited after the second round, hampered by a Spur’s forearm.

U.S. Open: Dejection was common on the course.
Tour De France: Injection was common on the course.

U.S. Open (golf): Set the stage for the next major, played on grass in Britain.
French Open: Set the stage for the next major, played on grass in Britain.

U.S. Open: No clubs seemed to have the answer.
MLB: In the NL Central, no clubs seem to have the answer.

U.S. Open: Wearing red on Sunday didn’t lead Tiger to victory.
NFL: Wearing red on Sunday didn’t lead Tampa Bay to victory.

Tony & Other Parkers

2007-06-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

Thursday in Cleveland, the San Antonio Spurs wrapped up their fourth NBA championship since 1999 with an 83-82 victory over the Cavaliers. Tony Parker was not on hand for the first title, but the Frenchman was the driving force this time. Parker became the first Spur other than Tim Duncan to be named Finals MVP. Fox once had a sitcom called Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, but this time another Parker went undefeated as San Antonio completed a four-game sweep. Tony shares similarities with numerous other Parkers as well. Here’s a rundown.

Charlie Parker: Played jazz and was known as “Bird”
Tony Parker: Played the Jazz and won like Bird

Sarah Jessica Parker: Fundamentally linked to Mr. Big
Tony Parker: Linked to the Big Fundamental

Parker Brothers: Set the standard in board games
Tony Parker: As Finals MVP, set the standard in boring games

Trey Parker: South Park co-creator likes to be dirty
Tony Parker: Teammate Bruce Bowen likes to be dirty

Tony Parker: Brought heartbreak to Cleveland Cavs fans
Willie Parker: Brings heartbreak to Cleveland Browns fans

Tony Parker: Won his third title this year
Peter Parker: Won his third box office title this year

Colonel Tom Parker: Couldn’t stop premature death of The King
Tony Parker: Caused premature demise of The King

Bonnie Parker: With Clyde Barrow, was in a gang that shot and robbed
Tony Parker: Is in a gang with Big Shot Rob

Tony Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2003
Smush Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2007

Tony Parker: Piling up points in the paint, he’s at home around wide-bodies
Parker Stevenson: When married to Kirstie Alley, he was at home around a wide-body

Dave Parker: Won a championship on a team led by Pops
Tony Parker: Won three championships on teams led by Pop

Tony Parker: Embraces odd-numbered years
Parker Posey: As a Christopher Guest regular, embraces odd characters

Camilla Parker Bowles: Married a prince in 2005
Tony Parker: Defeated Tayshaun Prince in 2005

Dorothy Parker: Known for her mocking wittiness
Tony Parker: Made a mockery of “We are all witnesses”

Tony Parker: Fiancée plays a smokin’ suburbanite on TV
Mary-Louise Parker: Plays a tokin’ suburbanite on TV

Candace Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland
Tony Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland. Hopefully, Imus won’t comment on the runner-up.

Ray Parker Jr.: Known for asking “Who you gonna call?”
Tony Parker: Plays at the AT&T Center

Jennifer Parker: Marty’s girlfriend in Back To The Future
Tony Parker: Hopes to go back-to-back in the future

Manning To Replace Barker On "The Price Is Right"

2007-06-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

This Friday represents the end of an era on CBS, as Bob Barker departs after 35 years of hosting The Price Is Right. Since Barker announced his retirement intentions last fall, television insiders have speculated about his replacement. Today came the surprising answer. The next host of The Price Is Right will be Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.

Manning was considered a natural to host, given his enthusiastic interaction with everyday people in his MasterCard commercials. CBS executives were apparently undaunted by claims that the “Priceless” ads were part of a conspiracy to take down the long-running game show. Manning’s hiring provides natural cross-promotion opportunities for CBS, which televises AFC games. In a similar vein, the show airing after The Price Is Right is expected to be renamed The Vince Young and the Restless.

Beginning on Monday, Manning will film as many shows as possible before Colts training camp begins on July 29. Other tapings will take place during Indy’s bye week in October. To accommodate the preferences of Peyton, the studio will not allow entrance to anyone from New England. However, Steve Spurrier is eager to become a contestant, since Manning has never been able to stop him from winning.

Barker and the new host have no shortage of similarities. Both have presided over long-running successful enterprises. Manning has won regular season and Super Bowl MVP awards, while Barker has piled up the Emmys. Also, both Bob and the NFL were born in the 1920s. Hopefully, the similarities end at Barker’s infamous pummeling of Happy Gilmore. To be on the safe side, U.S. Open officials will be on the lookout this Sunday in case Manning runs onto the green to deck Tiger Woods.

The show’s announcer, Rich Fields, will be an appropriate partner for a guy who’s gotten rich on the field. Hearing frequent shouts of “A new car!” will remind Manning of his SEC football days. To incorporate the NFL theme, Fields will change his call of “Come on down!” to “First down!” The contestants will run down to The Trenches, formerly known as Contestant Row. Therefore, like all announcers connected with football, Fields can say, “This game is being won in The Trenches!”

Manning will put his personal stamp on the show in many ways. Barker’s Beauties will now be known as Peyton’s Peaches. You might hear the quarterback say something like, “The actual retail price is $879. But you can’t measure what’s in that prize’s heart!” Enthusiasm will still be encouraged, but the hysterical jumping around by contestants will almost certainly be toned down a few notches. Otherwise, Peyton will tell them, “Look, Marvin Harrison doesn’t jump around like an idiot when he wins a dinette set. Act like you’ve been there before!” Manning will also make sure that the contestants who make it to the Showcase Showdown will have a perspective that he understands. Before the Showdown, each contestant will have to listen to sports reporters and talk radio hosts screaming that they can’t win the big one.

While he makes the show his own, Manning is fully aware of the importance of preserving Barker’s legacy. Therefore, he will close every edition of The Price Is Right in traditional fashion, with a football addition: “Have your pet spayed or neutered, and kept off Michael Vick’s property.”