Denzel Washington Named Alabama Football Coach

On Monday, Mike Shula was fired as the head football coach at the University of Alabama. Shula went 26-23 during his four years, including an 0-4 mark versus hated Iron Bowl rival Auburn. University officials did not take long to find their next man. Reports from Tuscaloosa are indicating that Academy Award-winning actor Denzel Washington will take over as Bama football coach.


Washington could not be reached for comment, but details on a press conference are reportedly forthcoming. In the meantime, many college football observers are stunned that such a storied program would be put into the hands of an actor. However, Denzel was so convincing as coach Herman Boone in Remember The Titans, athletic director Mal Moore had no doubt that he could inspire victories at Bryant-Denny Stadium. Moore is certain that Washington can lead the Crimson Tide, since he already played the lead in Crimson Tide. The athletic department apparently wanted to land him as soon as possible, since his experience in The Hurricane also made him a front-runner for the vacant Miami job.


Denzel does add many assets to the Bama program. The team’s offense often struggled under Shula, but Washington’s recent box office performance proves that he knows how to put up big numbers. Also, while the school surprisingly has never had a Heisman Trophy winner, the new coach brings two Oscars to Tuscaloosa. The largest impact of all should be seen in recruiting. With the handsome movie star on the sideline, all the mothers of high school football players in the state will beg their sons to go to Bama.


Tide fans treasure the illustrious history of the program, and Denzel can tap into that proud tradition. Having portrayed an angel in The Preacher’s Wife, he can ascend into heaven whenever he wants advice from Bear Bryant. He also has a link with one of the most famous players ever to don an Alabama uniform, since he teamed up with Forrest Gump in Philadelphia.


Most importantly to Bama fans, Washington’s Oscar-winning performances prepared him for showdowns with the team’s most bitter rival. Denzel was first honored for Glory, which depicted the intense combat of the Civil War. To football fans in Alabama, the film captured the spirit of the Iron Bowl. In winning for Training Day, Washington got the nod over nominees such as Tom Wilkinson from In the Bedroom. If he can beat one Tom when the stakes are high, Tide fans are confident that he can take down Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville.


The hiring also addresses a controversy that arose when Shula got the job. Many observers felt that Alabama missed a historic opportunity in not hiring alumnus Sylvester Croom, who later became the SEC’s first African-American head coach at Mississippi State. Now there is a clear sign that things have changed in the state of George Wallace, since Bear Bryant’s position will be occupied by the guy who played Malcolm X.


However, Denzel’s hiring is not completely without controversy. Some school officials are fearful that he will overextend his authority and abuse his players during training camp. They point out that a past Training Day with Washington resulted in rampant drug use and violent gunplay. However, athletic department officials downplayed such concerns. Moore remarked, “If there’s a day we think about, it’s not Training Day. It’s the Third Saturday in October.”


In the meantime, Denzel will surely soak up some football insight in St. Louis, where son John David Washington is a member of the Rams’ practice squad. This time, he’s not just preparing for a role. He’s preparing for “Roll Tide!”

Alexander To Donate Touchdowns To Bama

Quite often in the sports world, we only seem to hear the negative stories.  Tune in to Sportscenter, and you’re likely to be told about arrests, holdouts, drug scandals, and feuding teammates.  However, one of the NFL’s biggest stars is showing that professional athletes can display enormous generosity.  Seattle running back Shaun Alexander has announced plans to donate a portion of his touchdowns to his alma mater, the Alabama Crimson Tide.

 

Alexander has been a scoring machine for the Seahawks, with 17 touchdowns through the first nine games of the season.  He set an NFL record with his fifth consecutive year with at least 15 touchdowns.  The league record of 27 in a season, set by Priest Holmes in 2003, seems well within reach.

 

In contrast, Alabama has found it quite difficult to put points on the board.  The Tide has only scored two offensive touchdowns in its past four SEC matchups, leading one observer to remark, “Even Mapquest won’t help them find the end zone.”  Thanks to its dominating defense, Bama did manage to remain undefeated until a crushing overtime loss to LSU on Saturday.  The offensive struggles are exasperating to head coach Mike Shula, who ironically was hired after predecessor Mike Price did too much scoring.

 

Seeing his old school in need, Alexander decided to take action.  “I have plenty of touchdowns to spare,” he noted.  “So why not give back to some people who could really use them?”  The donation would not have seemed necessary earlier in the season, as the Tide scored 37 and 31 points in routs of South Carolina and Florida, respectively.  However, due in part to a season-ending injury to star wideout Tyrone Prothro, the offense has been in dire straits for the past month.  Practices often have to finish early as the stalwart defense leaves the offensive players in tears.

 

Alexander’s contributions will be welcomed with open arms in Tuscaloosa.  Ideally they can be applied retroactively.  In that case, the LSU defeat would be reversed, and the Tide would vault back into the national title chase.  However, if such a request is denied, Bama fans will gladly accept as many touchdowns as possible for next weekend’s Iron Bowl showdown at Auburn.  “Shaun’s example has shown us the best in human nature and encouraged all of us to reach out to our fellow man,” noted one Tide supporter.  “So now we can go and beat the snot out of Auburn!  I just hate that school and everything about it!”

 

With the Seahawks in first place at 7–2, Alexander is a prime candidate for NFL MVP.  However, he doesn’t just warm the hearts of Fantasy Leaguers.  He also makes dreams come true in Tuscaloosa.