AL West Renamed The Guerrero Division

Wednesday in Seattle, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim routed the Mariners 8-2 to complete a three-game sweep of their closest divisional pursuers. Vladimir Guerrero smacked his 22nd home run of the year, as the Angels moved to five games in front of Seattle. At the time, the division was known as the American League West. However, Major League Baseball has announced that the AL West will now be known as the Guerrero Division.


The decision was based on Vlad’s complete dominance against divisional foes this season. In 37 games against Seattle, Oakland, and Texas, Guerrero has 12 home runs, 41 RBI, and a .438 batting average. As commissioner Bud Selig remarked, “The change from the AL West to the Guerrero Division is just a formality. We just wanted to recognize what is already obvious: Vladimir owns that division.”


Guerrero has been a particular nuisance to the second-place Mariners. In 14 games versus the M’s, he has batted .500, with five home runs and 17 RBI. In the Emerald City, Vladimir is responsible for more runs than Shaun Alexander. No one has done more scoring at Safeco Field this year, unless Senator Larry Craig ducked into one of its men’s rooms.


The Dominican superstar hasn’t been any easier on his Northern California adversaries. In 10 matchups with the A’s, Guerrero has gone deep six times, with 13 RBI and a .432 batting average. When Vlad won last month’s Home Run Derby in San Francisco, he must have believed that he was across the bay in Oakland. Besides demoralizing the Athletics, Guerrero has completely ridiculed the Moneyball organization’s philosophy by flourishing with his free-swinging ways. As Oakland General Manager Billy Beane lamented, “We keep telling our guys the value of being patient and not chasing bad pitches. Then we lose because this freak of nature swings at everything from his eyes to his feet and knocks the ball out of the park! He makes me look like a total stooge!”


While Guerrero is hitting a mere .367 against Texas this year, historically he’s been a nemesis like no other to the Rangers. Vlad had a 44-game hitting streak against Texas until last August, when the Rangers ended the streak by walking him four times. The locals say that everything’s bigger in Texas. In the context of the Guerrero Division, that saying is true for the Rangers’ ERA, as well as their deficit behind the Angels. The Texas pitching staff has less chance of success versus Vlad than Paris Hilton does with the MCAT exam. The clubs square off in Anaheim this weekend, but the Rangers do have a plan for Guerrero when his team visits Arlington on September 24. Rangers Ballpark security has been ordered not to allow him onto the premises.


It is unusual for a professional sports division to be named after a person. However, long before the Guerrero Division, there was precedent in the National Hockey League. The NHL was once comprised of the Adams, Patrick, Norris, and Smythe Divisions. The comparisons between the former Montreal Expos superstar and the NHL do not stop there. Like the Stanley Cup, Guerrero used to be entrenched in Canada, but now he calls Anaheim home.


Guerrero is called by many nicknames, including Vlad the Impaler and Big Daddy Vladdy. However, for the unlucky trio of pursuers in the Guerrero Division, only one name fits for the fearsome slugger: The Angel of Death.

Anaheim Haunts Detroit Sports Tuesday Night

Tuesday night in Secaucus, New Jersey, the Portland Trail Blazers emerged from the NBA Draft Lottery with the #1 selection. Blazer fans are surely ecstatic at the prospect of Greg Oden or Kevin Durant suiting up at the Rose Garden Arena. Sports fans in Detroit would point to another reason why their counterparts in Portland could celebrate on Tuesday. Anaheim couldn’t ruin their night.


Orange County did a number on the Motor City last night. Most significantly, the Anaheim Ducks downed the Detroit Red Wings 4-3 to capture the NHL Western Conference finals in six games. Due in large part to the goaltending of Jean-Sebastien Giguere, Hockeytown was no match for Mickeytown. In a bitter twist for the automotive capital of the U.S., its team was eliminated in the Honda Center. The Ducks’ Honda connection does seem appropriate, since they’re getting more mileage than their competition from Detroit.


Now instead of the Red Wings capturing their 11th Stanley Cup title, either Anaheim or the Ottawa Senators will win their first. The Ducks began their run to the finals with a 4-1 opening round win over Minnesota. Therefore, their mascot Wild Wing contains the nicknames of two of their playoff victims. The then-Mighty Ducks also eliminated the Wild and the Wings on their way to the 2003 Stanley Cup finals, which they lost to New Jersey in seven games. Disney has since sold the team, but “It’s a small world” will accurately describe the U.S. television ratings for these finals.


Also last night, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim held off the Detroit Tigers 6-3. In a potential playoff preview, the Angels increased their AL West lead to 5 ½ games, while the Tigers remained ½ game behind Cleveland in the Central. Orlando Cabrera had a home run and three RBI, and his leaping catch snuffed out a ninth-inning rally for Jim Leyland’s club. Cabrera’s hang time was much better suited to Comerica Park than the Palace of Auburn Hills. In the NBA, you don’t see Orlando winning in Detroit.


The series continues with games tonight and tomorrow afternoon at Comerica. If the Angels continue the Anaheim-over-Detroit trend, the Cleveland Cavaliers will surely adjust accordingly for Thursday’s game 2 against the Pistons at the Palace. The visitors would likely take the court as the Anaheim Cavaliers. Also, in addition to getting to the foul line, LeBron James would need to make another adjustment to enhance his team’s chances for victory. You could expect him to replace his headband with a pair of mouse ears.


Obviously, Tuesday did not feature any Detroit-Anaheim matchups on the gridiron. The NFL season does not kick off for another 3 ½ months. Plus, Anaheim has been out of the league since the Rams bolted for St. Louis in 1995. Detroit has also been without an NFL franchise since the Lions hired Matt Millen.


Perhaps the Tigers will rebound tonight against 5-0 Bartolo Colon. Even if that happens, do not expect the Detroit fans to warm up to Anaheim anytime soon. Last night, Motown fans had a new nickname in mind for the home of Disneyland. To them, Anaheim was the crappiest place on Earth.

Los Angeles Angels of St. Louis Spark World Series Victory

In January 2005, Anaheim Angels owner Arte Moreno renamed the franchise the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. The cumbersome name drew widespread mockery from sports fans. Today a geographical adjustment would make the name completely appropriate. The Cardinals are the World Series champions, thanks to the Los Angeles Angels of St. Louis.


Friday night at Busch Stadium, the Cardinals defeated the Detroit Tigers 4-2 to capture the Fall Classic in five games. Shortstop David Eckstein, previously of the Angels, was named World Series MVP. Known for his boundless energy, the 5’7” Eckstein’s position is only half-correct. He is short, but he never stops. Eckstein now has two World Series rings, despite looking young enough to receive creepy emails from Mark Foley.


Game 5’s winning pitcher also came to St. Louis from Anaheim. Jeff Weaver pitched eight strong innings as part of an unlikely stellar postseason. Weaver was basically dumped by the Angels in July after going 3-10 with a 6.29 ERA to start the season. His spot in the Los Angeles rotation was taken by brother Jered, who enjoyed an excellent rookie campaign. Overshadowed by a star younger sibling, Jeff was the Johnny Drama of the Angels. On Friday night, however, he got to raise his arm and yell “Victory!” Fortunately, major league rules prohibited him from taking the mound in Viking Quest attire.


The turning point of the series came in game 3, after Detroit had tied the series at one game apiece. The first two runs of the Cardinals’ 5-0 triumph were driven in by outfielder Jim Edmonds, who was acquired from the Angels in 2000. In addition to his prowess at the plate, Edmonds is renowned for his outstanding play in centerfield. His highlight reel catches are particularly amazing to NFL coach Dennis Green, who rarely sees Cardinals playing great defense.


Angels general manager Bill Stoneman contributed to Anaheim’s 2002 World Series championship team. Since then, despite signing free agents such as Vladimir Guerrero and Bartolo Colón, he has often been criticized for being overly conservative in pulling the trigger on deals. However, Stoneman’s detractors were proven wrong by Friday’s celebration in St. Louis. He had accomplished what they said he couldn’t do: help build another World Series winner.


Scott Spiezio did not come directly from Anaheim to the Cardinals, having played for the Seattle Mariners in 2004 and 2005. However, he was a teammate of Eckstein on the Angels’ championship team. His heroics versus the New York Mets in the National League Championship Series brought back memories of his series-turning home run in Game 6 of the 2002 Fall Classic. In honor of his efforts, the Budweiser Clydesdales are now wearing red soul patches.


The Angels’ influence on the Cardinals is also seen in less obvious ways. Catcher Jose Molina has played in Anaheim for many years, as brother Bengie did before joining the Toronto Blue Jays this season. At some point it became trendy for major league clubs to have a catcher named Molina. Therefore, St. Louis eagerly drafted Yadier Molina, whose ninth inning home run won game 7 of the NLCS. Less successful were the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who failed to agree to terms with actor Alfred Molina.


The Cardinals’ triumph is not the first championship aided by an Anaheim-to-St. Louis pipeline. The Rams captured Super Bowl XXXIV in their fifth season since departing southern California. That dramatic victory inspired part of manager Tony La Russa’s strategy on Friday. If there had been a play at the plate in the top of the ninth inning, Mike Jones was ready to tackle the Detroit runner just short of home plate.


The Angels helped to make Busch Stadium a heavenly place on Friday. Although he was not needed, one other member of the Halos was available to help the home team. St. Louis did not trail after taking the lead in the fourth inning. But the Rally Monkey was ready for action, dressed in Cardinal red.

Hidden Base Trick Inflames A's-Angels Rivalry

Thursday night Frank Thomas socked a walk-off home run to lead the Oakland Athletics to a 7-5 victory over the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. This type of drama has been typical in recent years for these American League West adversaries. However, the Big Hurt’s blast was not the only development to infuriate the Angels on Thursday. The Halos were livid when Oakland pulled the hidden base trick during Orlando Cabrera’s at-bats.


The Angels shortstop singled in the 5th and 7th innings to extend his streak of reaching base to 63 consecutive games. The streak is the longest in major league baseball since 1960, passing a 58-game stretch by Barry Bonds in 2003. Statistics on such streaks are incomplete before 1960, but the Elias Sports Bureau has Boston’s Ted Williams with the major league record at 84 straight games in 1949. Some may wonder how a record can be affirmed when statistics from that era are acknowledged to be incomplete. An Elias representative admitted, “Look, we’re praying that we don’t find some nobody who had more than 84. If we throw the name ‘Ted Williams’ out there, no one really questions it.”


Since Cabrera doubled off Detroit’s Jeremy Bonderman on April 25, no opponent has managed to keep him off the bases for an entire game. However, the A’s devised a strategy to do just that. They put their plan into practice Thursday night whenever first base was unoccupied during a Cabrera at-bat. Oakland removed first base from the ground and hid it from Cabrera’s view, reasoning that he can’t reach base if he can’t find it.


The strategy seemed to work. Cabrera’s two hits came when first base was occupied, so the A’s could not remove it without the runner noticing. He was retired on the other three occasions. In the first inning, Angels manager Mike Scioscia screamed to the umpires that A’s first baseman Dan Johnson had stashed first base under his uniform. When questioned by the crew, the ridiculously bulging Johnson responded, “Noooo... I’m not hiding first base. I’m just… on steroids! Better test me after the game!”


The A’s gamesmanship was particularly brazen during Cabrera’s third inning at-bat. Oakland legend Rickey Henderson slid head-first into first base before pulling it out of the ground. Henderson held the base aloft while proclaiming, “I am the greatest base-stealer of all time!” Henderson then dashed off the field while announcing, “Rickey’s gonna take this bag to Cooperstown!” Amazingly, none of the umpires saw any of this.


The Angels had suspected that their division rivals might use devious tactics to halt Cabrera’s streak. The Halos kept a watchful eye on Oakland catcher Jason Kendall, who had charged the mound against Los Angeles pitcher John Lackey in an earlier matchup this season. A crafty old catcher himself, Scioscia warned Cabrera that Kendall might try to tie his shoes together while he stood in the batter’s box. With the Angels distracted by Kendall, the A’s apparently felt that they could easily pull off the shenanigans at first base.


Tonight the angry Angels will be particularly aware of the activities at first base. First base coach Alfredo Griffin will be on high alert, so the hidden base trick may not be available to the A’s. All-Star Oakland pitcher Barry Zito will have his hands full as he tries to stop Orlando Cabrera’s streak. Unlike the show on Fox, this version of “The O.C.” is not ready for a summer hiatus.

Coca-Cola Giddy Over Rodriguez, Guerrero Pepsi Ad

The White Sox have advanced to their first World Series since 1959. Monday, the Astros can earn their first-ever birth in the Fall Classic. However, despite the first round exit of the Braves, the biggest postseason winner calls Atlanta home. Coca-Cola executives are delighted with the heavy rotation of Pepsi’s commercial with Alex Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero.

 

Rodriguez faced the brunt of Yankee fans’ criticism after the club’s division series loss to the Angels. The likely American League MVP had just two hits in 15 at-bats and failed to drive in a run during the series. His futility was best exemplified by his ninth inning double play in the decisive fifth game.

 

Likewise, Guerrero endured much adversity during the playoffs. Although his Angels triumphed in the first round, he failed to drive in a run versus the Yankees. His ALCS performance was downright miserable, with one hit in 20 at-bats. With no contribution from the 2004 American League MVP, the Angels fell to Chicago in five games.

 

The struggles of these two superstars, noted a Coca-Cola spokesman, prove that “Pepsi is a drink for chokers. When viewers watch these guys perform miserably, then see them drinking Pepsi, what other conclusion can they reach?”  The spokesman suggested some additional ideas he thought would be perfect for his rival cola. One involved a Coca-Cola can rolling through Bill Buckner’s legs before he manages to snag a Pepsi. Another possibility featured Chris Webber calling a time-out to drink a Pepsi.

 

In contrast, the spokesman invoked a famous Coca-Cola commercial involving an athlete.  “What did Mean Joe Greene ever win? Only four Super Bowls! And he shows he’s a sweet guy when he gives the kid his jersey.”  On the other hand, the spokesman continued, “Guerrero shatters the moon in his ad, depriving the earth of its largest satellite. What a selfish jerk!”

 

Coca-Cola has declined to purchase advertising time during the World Series. Reaping the rewards of Pepsi’s efforts will do just nicely.