Perfection Denied, From 1 To 19

In a historic upset Sunday, the New York Giants stunned the previously undefeated New England Patriots 17-14 to win Super Bowl XLII. The Pats had been expected to cap off an unprecedented 19-0 season, but they ended up 35 seconds short of their goal. Here’s a by-the-numbers look, from 1 to 19, at perfection denied.


1: Notre Dame’s ranking in November 1993, before an upset by Boston College. So the whole “ruining a perfect season” thing is old hat for Tom Coughlin.

2: As in Rocky II, which showed that sometimes the overwhelming underdog doesn’t win until the rematch. Next, the Giants get to take on Clubber Lang.

3: Margin by which New York defeated Miami at Wembley Stadium in the first regular-season NFL game played outside of North America. As of now, every NFL team to win a regular season game in London has gone on to win the Super Bowl.

4: Receptions during the entire regular season by the Giants’ David Tyree. So in the Super Bowl, it’s only natural that he caught a touchdown and had an insanely amazing catch on the game-winning drive.

5: New York’s seed in the NFC playoffs, marking the third consecutive year a team playing on wild card weekend went on to win the Super Bowl. Next year, look for the top two seeds to refuse their opening round bye.

6: Computer rankings used by the BCS. The NFL would rather have a playoff, allowing the Giants the chance to play their way to a championship. I know, it’s crazy.

7: Feature films directed by Michael Bay, a graduate of Wesleyan. Unlike fellow Wesleyan alum Bill Belichick, he’s SUPPOSED to be known for his filming activity.

8: Surprisingly low number of Brady Bunch episodes with an appearance by Sam the Butcher, played by Allan Melvin. Melvin died on January 17, providing a distraction for all Bradys.

9: Carries on Sunday by New York’s Ahmad Bradshaw, for 45 yards. As Super Bowl history has shown, it’s good to have a Bradshaw on your side.

10: 1979 film in which Bo Derek represented perfection. Unfortunately for the Patriots, perfection in the NFL was also a 70’s thing.

11: Consecutive victories for New York outside of Giants Stadium. Like most people, their outlook improves just by leaving New Jersey.

12: Points by which New England was favored on Sunday, as fans of every other team pulled for the Giants. Because nothing says “lovable underdog” more than a New York team.

13: Super Bowls won by quarterbacks drafted #1 overall, now that Eli Manning has joined the list. Tim Couch could do it too, if someone would just give him the chance!

14: Ranking of Some Like It Hot on the American Film Institute’s 1998 list of the 100 best American films. Its famous last line was: “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

15: Age of Miley Cyrus, a/k/a Hannah Montana, whose concert movie is currently #1 at the box office. In crunch time, Eli did his own Montana impression.

16: Points scored by New England in the “Tuck Rule” game, which began its remarkable post-season success under Belichick. This time, Justin’s pass rush had Giants fans screaming, “Tuck Rules!!!”

17: Jersey number of Plaxico Burress, who had predicted that the Patriots would score 17. Instead, his winning touchdown put the Giants at 17, much to the delight of those 17-0 Dolphins.

18: Games won by the 1985 Bears, the last 18-1 team before New England. That Super Bowl wasn’t much fun for Pats fans either.

19: Like the Patriots, I didn’t quite manage to finish this one.

Other Bold Predictions From Plaxico

This week, Plaxico Burress made headlines by predicting that his underdog New York Giants will beat the undefeated New England Patriots 23-17 in Sunday’s Super Bowl. What went unreported is that Burress made several other bold predictions for the upcoming weekend. Here’s a look at Plaxico’s other prognostications.


The Patriots’ opening drive will stall, after Tom Brady receives a 15-yard penalty for “Excessive Dreaminess.”

The Memphis Tigers will be stunned at home by UTEP on Saturday, because no one leaves this weekend undefeated.

Like many dropouts, Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards will hitchhike across America and try to find themselves.

Cate Blanchett will be booted from the Oscar race after a positive steroid test.

A Super Bowl commercial will spark controversy by not including any Mannings.

During Sunday mass, Pope Benedict XVI will reference “the Gospel of Larry the Cable Guy…”

Skies in Des Moines will be mostly cloudy with a slight chance of precipitation.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will open the Super Bowl halftime show with “Baby Got Back.”

As a Minnesota sports star, Adrian Peterson will prepare for his upcoming trade to a team in the Northeast.

Punxsutawney Phil will see his shadow, resulting in six more weeks of the writers’ strike.

Auburn University will expel students supporting Barack Obama, since he has “Bama” in his name.

Sit ‘N Sleep will beat anyone’s advertised price or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

After cutting interest rates, the Federal Reserve will announce plans to cut the Knicks’ payroll.

Ozzy Osbourne will demand that February be changed from Black History Month to Black Sabbath History Month.

The 2008 Pro Football Hall of Fame class will include the guy who invented the Cheesehead.

Giants' Request: Move Super Bowl To Foxborough

The matchup for Super Bowl XLII is set, as the underdog New York Giants will attempt to knock off the undefeated New England Patriots. The showdown is scheduled for February 3 in Glendale, Arizona, but the NFC champions reportedly want a change of venue. According to a source close to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the Giants have requested that the game be moved to Gillette Stadium in Foxborough.


On that site yesterday, the Patriots moved one step closer to history with a 21-12 victory over the San Diego Chargers in the AFC championship game. The Giants punched their ticket by winning a 23-20 overtime classic in Green Bay. The NFC matchup was most notable for the frigid conditions at Lambeau Field, reminiscent of the Ice Bowl in 1967. Or as it would be known today, the Ben & Jerry’s Ice Bowl Presented by Frigidaire.


The triumph was New York’s third straight on an opponent’s home field in these playoffs. The Giants seem to thrive in front of the hostile opposing fans, much more than they do before the hostile home fans. Overall, the Giants have not lost a road game since the season opener at Dallas on September 9. For these New Yorkers in 2007, everything changed after 9/11. Therefore, during his presidential campaign, Rudy Giuliani is taking credit for the Giants’ road success.


Head Coach Tom Coughlin remarked that New York is entitled to another game on an opponent’s home field. He pointed out that the Giants’ “road” game against Miami was actually at a neutral site in London. Therefore, playing the “neutral site” Super Bowl on the Pats’ home field would only be fair. Coughlin added, “This neutral site thing doesn’t work for us. We beat a 1-15 team by a measly three points. So what hope do we have against an 18-0 team on a neutral site? Let us go to their place, where we have a chance!”


The Patriots, of course, are perfect at Gillette Stadium this season. However, New York General Manager Jerry Reese enthusiastically echoed his coach’s comments, saying, “They’re undefeated – they deserve a home game!” Reese also pointed out, “Boston just hosted the World Series, and it will probably host the NBA Finals. So no matter what sport, Boston fans feel entitled to host the championship round. Why should we get in the way of that?”


Despite their arguments, the Giants’ request is unlikely to be granted. While the Super Bowl crowns the NFL champions, the event’s reach goes well beyond football. Huge numbers of parties and corporate events have already been scheduled for Arizona. Reese countered, “The Super Bowl is supposed to be for football fans, not big corporations.” At that point, even he doubled over in laughter at the absurdity of his statement.


Besides the logistical nightmare of a last-minute rescheduling, the other huge stumbling block to a Foxborough Super Bowl would be the weather concerns. Early February in Massachusetts, in an outdoor stadium, could bring a blizzard for the showcase game. Coughlin pointed out, “Well, what about last year? They had it in Miami, and it rained like hell!” Inclement weather could even the playing field against the Patriots, but Coughlin has another reason to wish this year’s Super Bowl were like last year. He has a Manning on his side, but the opposing quarterback is definitely not Rex Grossman.


As it stands, the Giants will likely have to endure the huge disadvantage of a neutral field, instead of the comforts of the hostile crowd in Foxborough. However, they can still find reason for hope, thanks to their narrow defeat to New England in the regular season finale. As Michael Strahan proclaimed, “We almost beat them before. And this time, we won’t have to play them at our place!”

Other Channels Carrying Patriots-Giants

This Saturday, the New England Patriots look to complete the first-ever 16-0 NFL regular season when they pay the New York Giants a visit. The matchup was originally scheduled to be aired only on the NFL Network, unavailable to most viewers. However, on Wednesday the NFL announced that NBC and CBS will simulcast the NFL Network’s feed during Saturday’s contest.

The league later decided that this step did not go far enough. Therefore, the NFL has expanded coverage of the game to numerous other networks. Here are the other channels that will now carry Saturday’s showdown.


ABC, Fox, CW: Might as well get all the broadcast networks involved – they’re suffering through the writers’ strike, too!

History Channel: Forget Ancient Egypt or World War II. 16-0 is REAL history.

HBO: It has a good track record with violent shows set in New Jersey.

Animal Planet: The broadcast will raise awareness of an endangered group of Dolphins.

CSPAN: The excitement of its typical programming will be matched by a Bill Belichick press conference.

Disney Channel: He’s not Hannah, but Tom Brady does get compared to Montana.

BBC America: The Giants won in London earlier this season, so they’re basically Britain’s team.

TNT: Only if the game is close. TNT: We Know Drama.

HGTV (Home and Garden): The Giants play Home games in the Garden State.

Food Network: The hosts will advise the 1972 Dolphins on suitable substitutes for champagne.

MTV: It has featured lots of hidden camera shows. So have the Patriots in Giants Stadium.

Big Ten Network: The NFL Network gets to show Indiana in the Insight Bowl, so there has to be an exchange the other way.

E: Short for “Eli.”

Home Shopping Network: Find out how you can get bargains like Randy Moss and Wes Welker.

Court TV: Actually, it carried the NFL Network broadcast two weeks ago, when the Bengals played.

TLC: Contrary to popular belief, it stands not for The Learning Channel, but Tom “Lovable” Coughlin.

TV Land: It’s always happy to feature a Brady Bunch.

Travel Channel: Chances are, by halftime Giants fans will be focused on that trip to Tampa Bay.

Lost Weekend For Jets & Giants Coaches - Past & Present

On Sunday, for just the second time in NFL history, the New York Jets and New York Giants competed in playoff games on the same day. The results were not pretty, as both teams went down to defeat. Former leaders of those teams experienced similar disappointments on Saturday. If you’ve ever been the head coach of the Jets or the Giants, this wild card weekend was brutal.


The Jets fell 37-16 against the New England Patriots, as coach Eric Mangini lost to his mentor, Bill Belichick. Mangini has been labeled as “Mangenius” for leading a team with low expectations into the postseason. However, if he were really a genius, he would have found a way to move the game out of Foxboro and get Tom Brady on his side. Besides, being a genius doesn’t necessarily help in the NFL, as shown by Stephen Hawking’s disastrous season as coach of the Cleveland Browns. Belichick imparted another lesson to his pupil – the sort of “lesson” an angry nun delivers with a stick.


Unlike Mangini, Giants coach Tom Coughlin has been anything but a media darling in New York. His job status is in serious jeopardy after a 23-20 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. David Akers won the game with a 38-yard field goal on the final play. Coughlin argued, to no avail, that the kick should not have counted because it was not at least five minutes early. One Giant who will definitely leave is Tiki Barber, who rushed for 137 yards in his final game. Upon his retirement, many Eagles wished him well and told him that brother Ronde would also look great in a TV studio. No twins have caused more havoc in Philly, except when the Bush daughters spent a Saturday night on South Street.


Saturday was a day for the former Jets and Giants coaches to suffer. A year after departing the Jets, Kansas City Chiefs coach Herman Edwards watched his season end with a 23-8 defeat to the Indianapolis Colts and good friend Tony Dungy. The game featured the first-ever use of the sentence: “Peyton Manning was bailed out by the Colts’ defense.” Indy was given little chance to stop Chief running stud Larry Johnson, but Kansas City only managed 126 total net yards. Edwards is known for uttering, “You play to win the game!” Saturday he was heard pleading, “You pray to move the chains!”


The Dallas Cowboys had the odds doubly stacked against them Saturday night, since coach Bill Parcells had previously guided both the Jets and the Giants. Therefore, it’s not surprising that the Cowboys’ 21-20 loss to the Seattle Seahawks was particularly gut-wrenching. What is shocking is that a Dallas player other than Terrell Owens has been besieged by ridicule. Quarterback Tony Romo will never forget his botched hold on the go-ahead chip shot field goal attempt. On the bright side, the experience of dropping the ball should help him to relate to his receivers. It should also be noted that Drew Bledsoe would not have been nearly so mobile after bungling the winning field goal.


The weekend was even harsh for former Jets and Giants coaches who weren’t on the sidelines. The Baltimore Ravens had a bye, reminding Jim Fassel that they were much better off after firing him as offensive coordinator. Also, Ray Handley and Rich Kotite encountered many unruly customers while working as Wal-Mart greeters.


The bad luck only seemed to apply to those who coached the Jets or Giants in games. Therefore, although Belichick was technically the Jets’ head coach for one day in the 2000 off-season, he was immune. Lucky for him, his one day in charge of the Jets wasn’t this weekend.

Eagles Haunted By T.O. In Sunday's Heartbreaker

Sunday afternoon at Lincoln Financial Field, the Philadelphia Eagles squandered a 24-7 fourth-quarter lead in a crushing 30-24 overtime loss to the New York Giants. In numerous ways, the defeat for Donovan McNabb and company was due to T.O. No, not controversial former Eagle Terrell Owens, who suffered a broken finger in his Dallas Cowboys’ win over the Washington Redskins. As noted below, this NFC East showdown was impacted by plenty of other instances of T.O.


Touchdown in Overtime: New York receiver Plaxico Burress ended matters when he entered the end zone with 3:11 remaining in the extra period. However, he was upset afterwards when he learned that he wouldn’t receive overtime pay.

Turn Over: Running back Brian Westbrook coughed up a huge fumble with four minutes remaining in regulation and the Eagles up by 10. It is crucial to avoid mistakes when competing against Giants, as countless wrestlers learned the hard way against Andre the Giant.

Two-minute Offense: The Giants drove down the field at the end of regulation, resulting in Jay Feely’s tying 35-yard field goal with seven seconds remaining. Those New Yorkers are always in a hurry.

Time-Outs: The Giants saved theirs until late in the fourth quarter, providing one more possession to tie the game. Their wise use of time-outs in Philly could serve as a lesson to 76er Chris Webber.

Temple Owls: The awful college football team also calls Lincoln Financial Field home. They must have left the unavoidable smell of defeat in the air.

Toomer Outstanding: New York receiver Amani Toomer had 12 catches for 137 yards and two touchdowns. He just wanted to keep up with his college team, as Michigan had spent all day in the end zone on Saturday.

Trent Overzealous: Eagles defensive end Trent Cole drew a personal foul for kicking tackle Kareem McKenzie, providing the Giants with 15 precious yards before Feely’s tying field goal. Ironically, Cole had better form on his kick than Feely.

Trever O’Brien: He portrayed Kenny Bates in Gridiron Gang, this weekend’s #1 movie at the box office. Gridiron Gang replaced Invincible as the reigning inspirational football movie, so anything involving the Eagles got knocked off this weekend.

Tim’s Opportunism: The Giants cut the lead to 24-14 early in the fourth when receiver Tim Carter recovered a fumble by Burress in the end zone. Longtime Eagles fans were stunned, having assumed that the Giants’ fumble would be returned for a touchdown by Herman Edwards.

Toronto, Ontario: The largest Canadian city was the site of another devastating Philly sports defeat – Game 6 of the 1993 World Series. With a guy named Carter starting Sunday’s comeback, you knew there was bad karma for the Eagles.

The Outsiders: The film is best remembered for Matt Dillon’s shouting of “Let’s do it for Johnny!” Inspired by the quote, Giants quarterback Eli Manning screamed it at his teammates in honor of offensive coordinator John Hufnagel.

Tower Over: What 6’5” receiver Burress did to 5’10” defensive back Sheldon Brown, whom he outjumped on the winning touchdown. What Brown can’t do for you is eliminate a 7-inch disadvantage.

Texans Opener: In week one, Philadelphia could afford to cruise in the fourth quarter. Things are different when you’re not playing Houston.

Twenty-three – O: Margin by which the Eagles were outscored in the fourth quarter and overtime. As fourth quarter collapses go, it was up there with Enron in 2001.

The Office: The season premiere of NBC’s Emmy-winning comedy is this Thursday. Some Eagles lost focus on the game while wondering what will happen between Jim and Pam.

Tulsa, Oklahoma: Nolan Richardson coached basketball for five years at Tulsa before moving on to Arkansas in 1985. Drawing inspiration from Richardson, Philadelphia gave the Giants 40 minutes of hell on Sunday. Unfortunately, regulation lasts for 60.

Tatum O’Neal: The actress has a recurring role on Rescue Me, starring Dennis Leary as a New York firefighter. Thinking of the show, Manning was inspired to rescue his fellow New Yorkers.

Texas-Ohio State: Unlike Philadelphia, the Buckeyes maintained their 24-7 lead in Austin. The Eagles would have done the same if they had faced a freshman quarterback.

Tom O’Brien: The Boston College coach guided his team to overtime victories on each of the past two Saturdays. His presence is golden for Eagles in overtime, but it was too late to get him to Philly.

Tony Oliva: In 1964, he was the American League Rookie of the Year and batting champion for the Minnesota Twins. Somehow, the 1964 baseball season seemed relevant to a Philly sports collapse.


Eagles coach Andy Reid expects next week’s result to be the Total Opposite. It should be, since playing the 49ers is generally a Therapeutic Occasion.

That Not-So-Fresh Feely

Before the fourth quarter of Sunday’s showdown with the Seattle Seahawks, New York Giants kicker Jay Feely had been virtually automatic this season.  He was perfect on extra point attempts and made 23 of his 25 field goal tries.  So no one would have expected him to miss three potential game-winning kicks as the Seahawks ultimately triumphed in overtime.  Here are some possible explanations for Feely’s failure to deliver.

 

He assumed there would be a false start.  The Giants committed an amazing 11 false starts in the game, so he figured it would be a waste of time to be ready on the first snap.

The game was so good, he didn’t want it to end.  The contest was a matchup of NFC division leaders and was tight throughout the game.  Once this entertaining offering finished, the day’s only remaining action was the night game between the 2–8 Saints and the 2–8 Jets.  Feely simply wanted to reward viewers by prolonging their last watchable option on Sunday.

He wanted to work on his kickoffs.  A tireless worker, Feely felt he needed more practice on his kickoffs.  Therefore, he refused to take the easy way out by converting on the 40–yard attempt at the end of regulation.  His decision paid off as the Giants lost the overtime coin toss, and Feely got to kick off one more time.

He was too caffeinated from Seattle’s coffeehouses.  Instead of Gatorade, Feely consumed endless cups of espresso on the sidelines during Sunday’s game.  As a result, he was enormously jumpy and distracted.  And really annoying to teammates during timeouts.

New York was just looking to keep pace with Dallas.  Coming into this week, the Giants were tied for first place with the Cowboys.  Dallas had already lost in overtime on Thursday.  Feely sent a message that the Giants were ready to match their division rival’s every move.

He temporarily thought he was A.J. Feeley.  Many fans confuse Jay Feely with A.J. Feeley, the backup quarterback for San Diego.  Jay himself got into a fog, convinced that as a mediocre quarterback, there was no way he could convert on the field goal attempts.

He wanted to remind Giants fans of their last Super Bowl title.  New York last won the Super Bowl as Scott Norwood’s 47–yard field goal attempt sailed wide.  Feely assumed that the team’s always-sentimental fans would enjoy being reminded of that great memory.

The fans had a rare opportunity to see a tie.  The NFL has only had one tie in the past eight years.  As a Falcon, Feely was part of the last stalemate – a 34–34 thriller against Pittsburgh in 2002.  Knowing that the Seahawks have never had a tie in their history, he wanted the Seattle fans to experience something new.

He just wanted some attention.  Feely was recently overheard venting, “It’s like I’m invisible around here!  It’s always Tiki this, Eli that, Jeremy… C’mon, somebody talk about ME!”  The New York media will grant his request.

He temporarily thought he was Ace Frehley.  The Kiss lead guitarist wants to rock ‘n roll all night – not kick a stupid ball!

 

Feely will look to bounce back in an NFC East showdown next week against Dallas.  In the meantime, his outlook has already brightened.  The Jets lost 21–19 Sunday night when former Ohio State kicker Mike Nugent was short on a 53–yard attempt at the end.  Feely can sympathize with Nugent, but he’ll choose not to – Feely went to Michigan.