Howards' End

The legendary Howard Cosell was known for “telling it like it is.” If he were alive today, Cosell would have some harsh words regarding his namesakes in the American sports world. Right now, it’s a tough time to be a Howard.


That statement has been particularly true in the NBA playoffs. The first team eliminated was the Orlando Magic, led by Dwight Howard. Orlando was given little chance against the top-seeded Detroit Pistons, but Magic fans had to be disappointed in getting swept. While Howard provides hope for the future, the franchise has not won a playoff series since Shaquille O’Neal left for Los Angeles in 1996. Besides Shaq’s departure, the drought most likely resulted because God is punishing Orlando for pushing boy bands onto the world.


Apparently, the secret to victory by a #8 seed was to have a Howard in the opponent’s starting lineup. Even with Josh Howard averaging over 20 points, the Dallas Mavericks were stunned by the Golden State Warriors in six games. On the bright side for Howard, the name most associated with this loss was a bit more German-sounding. Although he will almost certainly win the MVP award, Dirk Nowitzki will face ongoing “can’t win the big one” scrutiny. After his 2-for-13 performance in Game 6, MVP stands for “Making Vacation Plans.”


The Mavericks weren’t the only Texas team to be undone by the Howard affliction. Despite playing at home for game 7, the Houston Rockets fell 103-99 to the Utah Jazz, ending the season of Juwan Howard. The headlines are about Tracy McGrady’s playoff defeats, but Juwan’s demise means a clean sweep of the NBA Howards. League officials are fortunate that David Stern is in charge, rather than Howard Stern.


The Howard effect is not limited to the basketball court. 2006 National League MVP Ryan Howard is currently batting .198 as his Philadelphia Phillies head into tonight’s series-ender with the San Francisco Giants. Last year he slugged 58 home runs, but now he’s living below the Mendoza Line. His cold stretch has led to something unbelievable in San Francisco this weekend. He’s a huge, left-handed home run champ, but no one thinks he’s on steroids.


Considering the struggles of Howards, you might think the Detroit Red Wings tempted fate by recalling goaltender Jimmy Howard on Thursday. However, the Red Wings already have future Hall of Famer Dominik Hašek in net, backed up by Chris Osgood. Hašek is a two-time Hart Trophy winner as the league MVP. Still, he has never been more valuable than he is now, because his presence keeps a Howard out of action.


NFL teams surely have taken note of the Howard effect. In last week’s draft, not one player named Howard was chosen throughout the seven rounds. Even Green Bay was scared, despite capturing Super Bowl XXXI thanks to Desmond Howard. Additionally, just to be safe, no team drafted a player from Howard University. If Brady Quinn had been named Brady Howard, he might still be sitting in Radio City Music Hall.


The Howard struggles do not seem to be in effect outside the American sports world. Goaltender Tim Howard was victorious Saturday, as his Everton club defeated Portsmouth 3-0 in an important English Premier League match. Also, Spider-Man 3 is on its way to a runaway box office triumph, despite the presence of Bryce Dallas Howard. In addition to nullifying the Howard effect, the film provides the weekend’s only opportunity to put “triumph” and “Dallas” in the same sentence.


As for the Howards in American sports, perhaps Ryan can soon turn things around. As another Howard (Jones) once sang, “Things can only get better.” If they don’t soon, Ryan Howard may echo Network character Howard Beale: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

A Comparison Of Mavericks

With Tuesday’s 102-89 victory over the New Jersey Nets, the Dallas Mavericks increased their winning streak to 16 games and, amazingly with 22 games remaining, clinched a playoff berth. The Chicago Bears have lost more recently than the Mavs, who are a stunning 51-5 since dropping their opening four contests of the season.

Like a certain high-flying character named Maverick, the Dallas Mavericks came onto the scene in the 1980s. That Maverick was the box office champ in 1986. These Mavericks are hungry for a title this year. Here are some other comparisons between the Mavericks.


Maverick: Star of Top Gun
Dallas Mavericks: Topped Suns in conference finals

Maverick: Tormented by memories of Goose
Dallas Mavericks: Jason Terry tormented by memories of the Hawks

Maverick: Turned back a foreign threat
Dallas Mavericks: Dirk Nowitzki is a foreign threat

Maverick: Learned never to leave his wingman
Dallas Mavericks: Defensive ace Josh Howard plays on the wing and never leaves his man

Maverick: Father was listed as missing in action
Dallas Mavericks: Defense used to be missing in action

Maverick: Was put down by Hot Shots!
Dallas Mavericks: Were put down by Heat shots

Maverick: Continually tested his instructors’ patience
Dallas Mavericks: Mark Cuban continually tests David Stern’s patience

Maverick: “I. Went. To. The. Danger Zone!”
Dallas Mavericks: Are dangerous against a zone

Dallas Mavericks: Play in the Lone Star State
Maverick: Played by a loon star

Maverick: Part of “the best of the best”
Dallas Mavericks: The best of the West

Maverick: Felt the need for speed
Dallas Mavericks: Devin Harris fills the need for speed

Maverick: Battled against Russian MiGs
Dallas Mavericks: Battle against a Chinese Ming

Dallas Mavericks: Are great in the American Airlines Center
Maverick: A great American who put it on the line in the air

Maverick: Nights with Charlie would “Take my breath awaaaaay…”
Dallas Mavericks: Nights with Dwyane Wade took their rings away

Maverick: Flourished in a Jerry Bruckheimer production
Dallas Mavericks: Flourish thanks to Jerry Stackhouse’s production

Maverick: Commander Viper spent a long career in the Navy
Dallas Mavericks: Commander Johnson spent a long career with a center from the Navy

Maverick: Accused by Iceman of not being a team player
Dallas Mavericks: In the same town as Terrell Owens

Maverick: Was a hot-shot flyer
Dallas Mavericks: Providence product Austin Croshere was a hot-shot Friar

Maverick: Felt entitled to break the rules
Dallas Mavericks: As NBA players, feel entitled to break the traveling rule

Maverick: Sang You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’
Dallas Mavericks: They’ve lost that losin’ feelin’

Mavericks, Bucks Switch Conferences

Although the defending NBA champions reside in Miami, the Western Conference has been considered far superior to its Eastern counterpart. Today, commissioner David Stern made an announcement that will hugely impact the balance of power between the two sides. Effective immediately, the Dallas Mavericks and Milwaukee Bucks will switch conferences.


The league office made the decision with a forward view toward the NBA finals. The Washington Wizards currently have the best record in the Eastern Conference, but they would be the sixth seed in the West. Meanwhile, Dallas and the Phoenix Suns have been far-and-away the best teams in the NBA. Therefore, most observers expected the NBA finals to be far less suspenseful than the Western Conference finals. Always mindful of ratings, Stern decided to take action. He remarked in today’s press conference, “Why CAN’T the Mavericks play the Suns in the finals? I can do whatever I want – I’m David Stern, dammit!” He then suspended five players for “looking at me the wrong way” before killing a reporter with his bare hands.


The shift of the Bucks and Mavericks appears to make geographical sense. Like all professional sports leagues, the NBA aspires to be like the NFL, which has long considered Dallas to be in the East. Also, Dallas is in the Central Time Zone, so it is natural for the Mavs to be part of the Central Division. Likewise, the Southwest Division is a good fit for Milwaukee, which is in southern Wisconsin and west of Lake Michigan.


With the move to the East, Dallas immediately becomes an overwhelming favorite to reach the finals. The Heat may struggle just to make the playoffs, the Pistons are less fearsome than a year ago, and the Wizards have not figured out how to clone Gilbert Arenas. Participating in the Eastern Conference playoffs will also make life more convenient for Mavs owner Mark Cuban. Each week during the postseason, he can stop by the NBA office in New York to pay his fines in person.


Despite moving to the tougher conference, Milwaukee also stands to benefit. The Bucks will immediately exit last place, since their new division includes the Memphis Grizzlies. They will also be reminded of the glory days of the franchise, as the Bucks were members of the Western Conference when they won the 1971 NBA championship and appeared in the finals three years later. On a related note, management is hoping to add the services of Kareem Abdul-Jabaar in his prime.


Coincidentally, the Bucks’ move to the East in 1980 was brought about by the Mavericks’ entry into the league. Since then, Milwaukee has been a haven for teams who switch conferences. The Brewers went from the American League to the National League in 1998. Marquette shifted from Conference USA to the Big East in 2005. And Richie Cunningham’s Jefferson High School basketball squad is now competing in the Arkansas state playoffs.


While the Super Bowl will still dominate the sports media this week, Stern’s announcement managed to bring major headlines for the NBA. That momentum should continue through the February 18 All-Star Game, as Dirk Nowitzki suits up for the Eastern Conference. The buzz was particularly noticeable in the two cities involved. The switch represents the most high-profile Dallas-Milwaukee swap since J.R. Ewing dealt his brother Bobby for Lenny, Squiggy, and a Big Ragu to be named later.


We will have to wait a few months before we know whether the move pays off in the NBA finals. In the meantime, one Dallas player provided a great omen of his team’s title chances in last night’s 122-102 rout of the Seattle Sonics. Austin Croshere connected seven times from beyond the arc en route to a career-high 34 points. He seemed to have learned something from Tony Romo. If you hope to bring a championship to Dallas, you need to nail your three-pointers against Seattle.

Dallas vs. Miami: Storylines of the NBA Finals

Saturday night, the Dallas Mavericks triumphed 102-93 in Phoenix to eliminate the Suns. They will join the Miami Heat in a very intriguing championship series beginning on Thursday. The following analysis dissects the series’ major storylines and reveals which team has the edge in each area.


First-Timers: For the first time since 1971, the NBA Finals match two franchises who have never previously been finalists. To hype the series, Dwyane Wade and Dirk Nowitzki will pose like Steve Carell for a poster labeled “The Finals Virgins.” The series MVP will go on to have sex with Catherine Keener. Neither franchise is 40, but Dallas has been waiting longer for this special moment. Advantage: Dallas

The Supreme Court: Dallas assistant Rolando Blackman was a four-time All-Star as a Maverick player. However, he was not the force that Dwyane Wade is for the Heat. So there’s no question who wins “Ro vs. Wade.” Advantage: Miami

American Airlines: The Heat plays in American Airlines Arena, while Dallas calls the American Airlines Center home. The Mavericks’ best player is from Germany, so they get the edge in frequent flyer miles. Advantage: Dallas

Cubans: Miami has a huge Cuban population. But none are worth billions, like Mavs owner Mark Cuban. Advantage: Dallas

Anti-France Movement: Dallas has incurred the wrath of France by eliminating Tony Parker, then Boris Diaw. Miami has wisely kept Frenchmen off of its roster. Advantage: Miami

Nicknames: By definition, Heat is a stifling force. Maverick scores points for nailing Kelly McGillis, but his preferred wing man is Goose, not Jason Terry. Advantage: Miami

Wanna Hear Some Impressions?: Shaquille O’Neal and Dallas coach Avery Johnson will inspire countless half-assed celebrity impersonations from the media. Johnson hasn’t been mimicked quite as much as Shaq, so “the Avery” might be more entertaining. Advantage: Dallas

80s TV Shows: Miami Vice was more trendy, but Dallas delivered huge numbers with “Who Shot J.R.?” Southfork wins over South Beach. Advantage: Dallas

College Bowl Games: For a long time, the Cotton Bowl was on par with the Orange Bowl. But the annual game in Dallas has slipped since the demise of the Southwest Conference, named for the airline. Advantage: Miami

Florida vs. Texas: The states have met in the Finals once before. In 1995, Shaquille O’Neal’s Orlando Magic got swept by the Houston Rockets. Do not be surprised if Dallas activates Hakeem Olajuwon. Advantage: Dallas

Second-Best: This spring has been brutal for #1 seeds. None made the Final Four, the Red Wings and Senators fell before the conference finals, and the Pistons and Spurs are sitting at home. Thus, Miami and Dallas were wise in having the second-best record in their respective conferences. Give the Heat an edge for having the second-best record of the two. Advantage: Miami

Super Bowl VI Revenge: The Cowboys thumped the Dolphins 24-3 in Super Bowl VI. Roger Staubach, the Heat is coming for you! Advantage: Miami

Glory Road: In the film, coming out on DVD this week, Pat Riley loses in the finals to a team from Texas. Unfortunately for the Miami coach, this series is also being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Advantage: Dallas

Walkers: Filmed in Dallas, Walker, Texas Ranger has been off the air since 2001. But Antoine Walker is still draining threes for the Heat. Advantage: Miami

T-Mobile Ads: The Heat have eliminated Vince Carter and Ben Wallace, who both appear in T-Mobile commercials. To avoid such bad luck, Dallas has chosen not to activate me - the happy dad eating a Cobb salad in a new T-Mobile spot. That’s really the only reason I’m not suiting up for the Dallas Mavericks. Advantage: Dallas


Tallying up the results, it’s Dallas 8, Miami 7. So the Mavericks will win a tight series, which goes the full 15 games.