Magic vs. Bird: A Breakdown

The much-anticipated NBA Finals begin in Boston this Thursday. The host Celtics have been led all season by Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen, while the visiting Los Angeles Lakers feature their own “Big Three” in MVP Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and Lamar Odom.

Stars were also abundant when these franchises squared off in the 1984, 1985, and 1987 finals. Those series featured stalwarts like Kareem Abdul-Jabaar, Kevin McHale, James Worthy, and Robert Parish. However, revisionist history pretty much boils down those showdowns as “Magic vs. Bird.” Earvin and Larry have long since retired and secured their places in the Basketball Hall of Fame. Still, I’m using a “Magic vs. Bird” analysis to forecast this series. Here’s a breakdown.


NBA Teams: The Magic won their first-round series, but the Birds (Hawks) did not. Advantage: Magic

Burgess Meredith: He starred in a 1978 film entitled Magic. But he’s identified with birds – as The Penguin as well as Mickey, who screamed at Rocky to chase after a chicken. Advantage: Bird

Kids’ Birthday Parties: Performing magic is acceptable. Flipping the bird is not. Advantage: Magic

Weed-Smoking Songs: Puff, the Magic Dragon fits the bill, but millions of stoners shout for FREE BIRD!!!!! Advantage: Bird

First Ladies: We’ve had Lady Bird Johnson, but no presidential wives named Magic. Don’t try to sell me on Eleanor Magic Roosevelt – I’m not falling for that again. Advantage: Bird

Cheesy Pick-Up Lines: “I’ve got a Larry Bird” makes way less sense than “I’ve got a Magic Johnson.” Advantage: Magic

Aussie Icons: Mel Gibson starred in Bird on a Wire, but Olivia Newton-John hit #1 with Magic. And she never went on a drunken anti-Semitic rant in Malibu. As far as I know. Advantage: Magic

Flight Prowess: A magic carpet and a bird can both fly. But when was the last time you actually saw a magic carpet in the sky? We’re past the weed-smoking topic now. Advantage: Bird

Children’s TV: The Magic School Bus was popular, but there’s no way you can go against Big Bird. Advantage: Bird

Black: Blackbird is a soothing Beatles song that won’t hurt anyone. But black magic can do some serious damage. I mean, did you see Sabrina, the Teenage Witch? Advantage: Magic

18th Century Austrian Composers: Haydn wrote The Bird quartet, but The Magic Flute is a Mozart staple. Yes, as in all NBA Finals previews, I had to work in the obligatory classical music discussion. Advantage: Magic

1984 Pop Songs: The Cars and Morris Day and the Time had hits with Magic and The Bird, respectively. As good as The Cars were, do they ever get you out on the dance floor? Advantage: Bird

Charlies: It’s Magic, Charlie Brown was a relatively obscure Peanuts special. Charlie “Bird” Parker was a jazz legend. And Lucy would never pull the football away from him. Advantage: Bird

Radio Stations: There’s a Magic 106.7 in Boston, but no Bird 106.7 in L.A. Advantage: Magic

Toys: You can play with lots of cool birds. But can they predict the future like a Magic 8-Ball? I think not. Advantage: Magic


Tallying up the results, it’s Magic 8 and Bird 7. So a celebration in downtown L.A. is on the way. Too bad Mark Madsen won’t be around to dance.

NBA Investigating Alleged Road Victory

Last season, the San Antonio – Phoenix playoff series was marred by the suspensions of Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw for leaving the bench. This year, controversy has once again struck the second round of the NBA postseason. The league office is looking into allegations that the Detroit Pistons won Game 4 of their series with the Orlando Magic, despite playing on the road.


If true, that victory would be the only one for a visitor in the second round. Home teams are 14-0 in the other contests. According to a league insider, commissioner David Stern reached an agreement with the remaining participants that only home teams would win in the second round. Reportedly, Stern considered the arrangement to be fan-friendly, since witnessing a victory would boost the home fans’ enjoyment of games. Higher television ratings would also ensue, as every series would have a Game 7. The source indicated that the commissioner also wants the agreement in place for the conference finals, thereby guaranteeing a finals matchup between top seeds Boston and Los Angeles. The NBA official remarked that such a scenario had Stern “giggling like a schoolgirl.”


However, a report surfaced on Saturday that Detroit had left Orlando with a 90-89 victory. A 15-point third quarter lead, plus the absence of injured Piston Chauncey Billups, would seem to point to a win for the Magic. Nevertheless, the league office has reportedly received a tape which shows Tayshaun Prince making the game-winning basket for Detroit. Officials are unsure about the authenticity of the tape, since it only shows Dwight Howard scoring eight points in the entire contest. A second tape was reportedly discarded as irrelevant, because all it showed was a pre-Super Bowl walk-through by the St. Louis Rams.


No such controversy exists in the other series, in which the visitors have gone down to defeat every time. Some extraordinary circumstances have arisen amid the home dominance. The experienced, poised Spurs were pummeled in their two games at New Orleans. In Boston, the Celtics made LeBron James even less comfortable than he was hosting Saturday Night Live. And the Utah crowd mercilessly booed a guy who gave up millions in the interest of better care for his disease-stricken daughter. On the other hand, he does play for the Lakers.


If the NBA believes the Pistons’ violation to be true, there is no word on what the punishment will be. A simple remedy could be a Game 5 victory in Detroit for the Magic – the first time a make-up call would ever take place in the NBA. Reached for comment on potential sanctions, Rasheed Wallace remarked, “Being disciplined by the league office? I can’t imagine such an experience!” Then he hugged the reporters and took them out for pizza. Asked for his thoughts, another Piston responded, “I’ll say something, but only with half my face, if you can match it with half a face from the Magic. I love those commercials!”


The NBA is not the only league in which the home team is dominating these days. The visiting Sharks and Flyers are 0-for-4 in the NHL conference finals. However, that scenario is almost certainly not the result of an arrangement with commissioner Gary Bettman. He knows there’s no way he can boost ratings.

NBA Playoffs Guide, From A To Z

The regular season is over, so 16 teams still have dreams of an NBA championship. Well, I’m not sure the Hawks can even dream of a title, but you get the point. Here’s an A-To-Z look at the NBA postseason.


American: Company whose name is on the Mavericks’ home arena, even though their best player is German and their owner is Cuban.

Benedict XVI: Pope who will perform before huge crowds in New York this weekend. So you know he’s not on the Knicks.

Coaches: Men on the sideline who, every once in a while, get their players to listen to them. Most of them won’t have this job for long.

DUI: Abbreviation attached to a Nuggets star this week, so I think it stands for “Don’t Underestimate Iverson!”

Eleven: Games ahead of playoff-bound Atlanta for Golden State, which missed the postseason. Coach Don Nelson is pleading, “Oakland’s on the East Bay – shouldn’t we be in the Eastern Conference?”

Fifth: Seed you get in the Western Conference after winning 22 games in a row.

Go-To Guy: What every championship-caliber team needs. “Go-To” is short for “Go to the line,” since he’ll get all the calls.

Howard Stern: Not the radio guy. I just wanted to mention the slam dunk contest winner and the commissioner in the same entry.

Ignore: What casual sports fans will do to you when you win 59 games, if you’re the Pistons.

June: When the Finals will end. Or the first round, I’m not sure.

KG: Not only Kevin Garnett in Boston, but Kobe-Gasol in LA. Which also means “Kwame’s Gone” and “Kupchak’s Grateful.”

Languages: Like championship rings, there are lots of them in the Spurs’ locker room.

Magic: Orlando or Johnson, who along with Larry Bird will be shown a BILLION times in old clips if that Lakers-Celtics series materializes.

NBA TV: A network that’s unfamiliar to most people. Which is why much of the Toronto-Orlando series has been banished there.

O’Neal, Shaquille: Like John McCain, he’s an old guy representing Arizona who wants to win the big prize.

Paul: Whether last name (Chris) or first (Pierce), he’s a star on a highly-seeded team you haven’t seen at this time of year lately.

Quarter Century: Time it’s been since the 76ers won the title – the last pro sports championship in Philadelphia. Clearly, those bitter Pennsylvanians referenced by Obama are Philly sports fans.

Raptors: A Canadian team that won’t win the championship, so it would be at home in the NHL.

Stu Jackson: A name the Suns really don’t want to hear during THIS series with the Spurs.

T-Mobile Ads: The only way you’ll see a Miami Heat player during the postseason.

Utah: Franchise hoping for its first Finals appearance since 1998, when Salt Lake City teams were runner-up in both the NBA and NCAA. I’m guessing Memphis won’t repeat that feat this year.

Viewership: Great for ABC when broadcasting Tony Parker’s wife. Not so much when broadcasting Tony Parker’s team.

Woods, Tiger: Unlike LeBron James, he’s a Nike superstar who can win championships by himself.

X-ray: Like throwing his jersey into the crowd, it’s part of Gilbert Arenas’s post-game ritual.

Youth: Something most middle-aged men desire, unless they’re NBA general managers in search of a championship.

Zilch: Playoff series won by Tracy McGrady in six attempts. But as the old saying goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try again.”

Rockets' Streak By The Numbers, From 1 To 20

Wednesday night in Atlanta, the Houston Rockets defeated the Hawks 83-75 to extend their improbable winning streak to 20 games. The run is tied with the 1970-71 Milwaukee Bucks for second-best in NBA history. It remains to be seen how long the streak will last. In the meantime, here’s a by-the-numbers look at the streak, from 1 to 20.


1: Division 1 college teams (Davidson) with a current winning streak of at least 20 games. But they play in the Southern Conference, not the Western Conference.

2: Career regular season 3-point attempts for 41-year-old Dikembe Mutombo, who missed both. He should try a few in tonight’s game – the way the Rockets are going, he’d drain ‘em like Reggie Miller.

3: Games among their last eight in which Houston has held the opponent to 75 points or less. The highlight was a 94-69 rout of Washington, in which Luther Head led the Rockets with 18. The combination of 69, Head, and Washington begs for an Eliot Spitzer reference.

4: Teams (Pacers, Cavaliers, Hawks, and Hornets) the Rockets have beaten twice during the streak. Cleveland and New Orleans are actually good. On the other hand, playing Indiana and Atlanta multiple times is how streaks are made.

5: Consecutive games in double figures for forward Carl Landry, before missing the last three contests with an injury. Carl Landry and “Rockets” reminds me of Carl Lewis “And the rockets’ red glare…” Somewhere, Charley Steiner is laughing.

6: Month of the year represented by June, when Houston hopes to still be playing.

7: Seasons in which first-year head coach Rick Adelman has guided his team to at least the second round of the NBA playoffs. Tracy McGrady, you can learn from this guy!

8: Consecutive victories Houston has had without Yao Ming. His season-ending injury could be a blessing in disguise. No team has won the NBA championship with a 7’6” Chinese guy.

9: Zero hour for a Rocket Man, according to Elton John. Sir Elton doesn’t know his hoops – nobody tips off at 9AM.

10: Current win streak for the Boston Celtics. Slackers!

11: Years since the Rockets last won a playoff series. Soon, “20 out of 20” will be way less important than “4 out of 7.”

12: Jersey number of point guard Rafer Alston, who feuded with coach Sam Mitchell during his previous stop in Toronto. Rafer’s not the only Rocket to have issues with a guy named Mitchell.

13: Consecutive victories Houston still needs to match the all-time record set by the 1971-72 Lakers. That team was in such a groove, Wilt probably even got laid once or twice.

14: Points scored in the Super Bowl by the New England Patriots, who unlike the Rockets have lost since the end of January.

15: Years since owner Leslie Alexander bought the team in July 1993. That fall, Michael Jordan retired, and Alexander’s Rockets won their first 15 games. At the time, he spent several hours a day screaming, “Owning a team is AWESOME!!!” to anyone within earshot.

16: Games below .500 for the Charlotte Bobcats, Houston’s next opponent. Expect Shane Battier to play well. Trust me, he has a strong track record against North Carolina teams.

17: NBA seasons played by the greatest Rocket of them all, Hakeem Olajuwon. Assuming you forget about that final season with the Raptors. Most of us do.

18: Losses by the Miami Heat since Houston’s last defeat. Plus, Dwyane Wade is out for the season. Clearly Barkley’s Five is cursed.

19: Losses on the season for the West-leading Lakers, who play in Houston on Sunday. Then the Rockets host Boston before traveling to New Orleans, Golden State, and Phoenix – all by next Saturday. This is all during Holy Week, and to keep the streak going, the Rockets may need to bench Luis Scola and replace him with Jesus.

20: Also known as a score. So the last score of final scores have gone the Rockets’ way.

The ABA in Today's Sports World

This weekend, Will Ferrell returns to the sports comedy world with Semi-Pro. The movie is set in the wild, high-flying days of the American Basketball Association. That ABA ceased to exist in 1976. However, “ABA” can still be seen throughout today’s sports world. Here are just a handful of examples.


Iron Bowl result the past 6 years: Auburn Beats Alabama
Tom Glavine: Atlanta Brave Again
Frequent Cincinnati headline: Another Bengal Arrested
Celtic Ray’s actions at the three-point line: Allen Bombs Away
Badger fans’ feelings toward their former coach: Adore Barry Alvarez
Yankee fans’ reaction to a right fielder’s slump: Abuse Bobby Abreu
Their feelings after the 2003 ALCS: Aaron Boone’s Awesome!
Drew Rosenhaus: Arrogant, Boisterous Agent
Part of Reds’ pitching coach’s duties: Advise Bronson Arroyo
Reason Oregon will be in the NIT: Aaron Brooks’s Absence
Oregon State basketball game: Awful Beaver Action
Reggie Miller’s favorite activity in the 90’s: Antagonizing Big Apple
Featured in Playboy: Amanda Beard’s Anatomy
Bad news for Brady Quinn: Anderson, Browns Agree
Problem for Wizards’ fans: Arenas, Butler Aching
Cause of Orioles’ decline: Angelos: Baltimore’s Affliction
Giselle’s role after the Super Bowl: Alleviate Brady’s Agony
Frequent response from players in the Mitchell Report: Anemic, Belated Apology
Big winner in the Eagles’ signing of Samuel: Asante’s Bank Account
Lottery-bound NBA teams: Awaiting Beasley’s Arrival
Recipients of Kurt Warner’s passes: Anquan Boldin’s Arms
Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays’ history: Atrocious Baseball Annually
Help for Lakers’ title hopes: Andrew Bynum Addition
D-Backs made the playoffs in spite of this: Arizona’s Batting Average
Devin Hester: Amazing Bear Athlete
Goal For Injured Yao Ming: August Beijing Appearance

More Superhero Dunks for Howard

Saturday night, Orlando’s Dwight Howard dazzled the All-Star crowd in New Orleans by winning the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. In the most enduring image, Howard donned a Superman costume and threw one down with cape in tow. Some may wonder what the Magic big man can do for an encore if he chooses to defend his title in Phoenix next year. Clearly the Superman theme worked for Howard this year, so he should expand his repertoire to include other superheroes. Here are some possibilities, in alphabetical order.


Aquaman: With the court at US Airways Center completely underwater, Howard swims from one basket to another and emerges to throw down a thunderous slam.

Batman: Howard dunks after jumping over a rookie teammate forced to dress as Robin. In his front-row seat, Jack Nicholson laughs maniacally as The Joker.

Blade: Howard kills a vampire before every dunk. Then, continuing the Wesley Snipes theme, he hustles his competitors with the help of Woody Harrelson.

Captain America: Each dunk has Howard slamming over Yao Ming, Dirk Nowitzki, or another foreign-born All-Star.

Flash: Using superhuman speed, Howard dunks 300 times within the span of a minute. An added bonus: if he actually misses a few, the judges will never notice.

Ghost Rider: Howard takes off on a fiery motorcycle and throws down a slam. In a tribute to the Fonz, Howard’s motorcycle jump goes over Jerry Tarkanian.

Green Lantern: Instead of going to the basket, Howard uses his power ring to bring the basket to him. The dunking part’s easy after that.

Hulk: Howard turns green, busts out of his shirt in a rage, slams the ball through the hoop, and hurls the basket at the front row of spectators.

Iron Man: Howard throws one down while wearing a suit of armor. Michael Jordan often had to use this tactic when he played against the Knicks.

Plastic Man: With his ridiculously long reach, Howard dunks from the three-point line, simultaneously winning the Slam Dunk Contest and the Three-Point Shootout.

Spider-Man: Howard spins a web to the roof, swings his way to a ferocious dunk, and kisses Kirsten Dunst while hanging upside-down.

Storm: After creating a tornado in the arena, Howard slams through the turbulent conditions. He still keeps the arena dry, since commissioner David Stern has issued a strict edict against “making it rain” during All-Star Weekend.

Wolverine: The dunk-a-thon for Howard continues, even though he repeatedly punctures the ball with his razor-sharp claws.

Wonder Woman: Howard transforms into a hot woman, jumps from his invisible jet to throw down a slam, and reels in his competitors with a lasso.

10 Things To Look For On MLK Day

This Monday, the most enduring figure of the Civil Rights Movement will be honored on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The NBA will be highly visible on the holiday, with 13 games scheduled. Besides the on-court action, here are 10 other things to look for in the sports world on MLK Day.


The Houston Rockets will trade Luther Head to Sacramento, where he will join Kevin Martin. So you’ll see Martin and Luther on the Kings.

The New England Patriots will refer to MLK Day as MK Day, since the letter “L” doesn’t apply to them.

Sprinter Tim will refuse to watch footage of Jerome Bettis, thereby imposing a Montgomery Bus Boycott.

Roger Clemens will stick up for another player named in the Mitchell Report, proclaiming: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to David Justice everywhere.”

John Calipari will join the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, explaining, “Finally, I’m in a Conference that's worth something!”

After LeBron asks who wrote the 95 Theses in 1517, a teammate will reply, “Martin Luther, King James.”

A high-scoring NBA guard of the 70s and 80s will recall the day he changed his name: “World B. Free at last, World B. Free at last, thank God almighty I’m World B. Free at last.”

Appropriately on a holiday honoring a Junior, Ken Griffey and Dale Earnhardt will have the day off.

Rudy Tomjanovich will explain why he coached two NBA champions: “I had The Dream.”

The Redskins will trade Clinton Portis to Buffalo for Marshawn Lynch as part of their “Marshawn Washington” tribute.

Bay Area Blues

Much has been made about the amazing run currently enjoyed by Boston sports teams. While the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics have made life great for fans in Beantown, it’s a different story in Northern California. The Golden Gate Bridge may be picturesque, but the sports landscape has been downright hideous in the Bay Area lately. Only the first-place San Jose Sharks have been thriving, and since they play hockey, you’re probably not interested. Otherwise, in just over the past week, here’s an ugly rundown of Bay Area sports.


November 10:

Cal falls 24-17 at home to USC. Before the season, this looked like one of the games of the year. Now College GameDay decides that Williams-Amherst is a better option. Okay, the Pats, Sox, and Celtics I can understand, but is ESPN THAT fixated on Massachusetts now?

Stanford loses 33-17 to lowly Washington State. On the bright side, the 3-7 Cardinal gets two weeks off – a bye, then a visit from Notre Dame.

November 11:

The Raiders fall 17-6 at home to the Bears. Somehow, Oakland allows the phrase “Rex Grossman heroics” to be used.

November 12:

The 49ers get shut out 24-0 by the Seahawks. “49ers” now refers to their total yardage per game.

November 13:

Vinny Testaverde turns 44. Unfortunately for 49er fans, an old guy’s playing quarterback, and it’s not Joe Montana. Not to be confused with Joe Mantegna, who turns 60 on this day. Yeah, it’s a stretch, but Tuesday’s a slow sports day. Cut me some slack!

November 14:

The Warriors lose 111-104 at home to the Pistons, falling to 0-6 on the season. I’m guessing they’re not quite as high on Jessica Alba’s social calendar these days.

November 15:

Giants’ icon Barry Bonds is indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. For once, Barry doesn’t get a free pass.

November 16:

Okay, some good news: Golden State finally gets into the win column, taking down the Clippers 122-105. Sorry Jessica, didn’t mean to imply that you’d jump ship just yet!

November 17:

Cal loses 37-23 at cellar-dwelling Washington. Once on the cusp of #1, the Golden Bears are now 6-5. At least they won’t have to worry about getting screwed by the BCS.

San Jose State falls 27-23 to Louisiana Tech, eliminating the Spartans from bowl consideration. They already should have been ineligible, since they’re crappy enough to be on Hawaii’s schedule.

The Stanford football team is off, and so is the basketball team, in a 79-67 upset by Siena.

November 18:

The 49ers drop their eighth straight in a 13-9 home setback to the Rams. They thereby enhance their draft position - for the Patriots, who own San Francisco’s first-rounder next spring. I’ll pause now, to allow NFL fans outside of New England to puke.

With a 29-22 defeat at Minnesota, the Raiders lose their sixth in a row. Which makes them the hottest NFL team in the Bay Area.

A’s utility whiz Marco Scutaro is traded to Toronto. Maybe he’s not a franchise player, but it’s just fun to say “Marco Scutaro.”

Arenas Loans "Agent Zero" To Webb

He’s the reigning National League Cy Young Award winner. He’s thrown 42 consecutive scoreless innings for the team with the best record in the National League. However, Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon Webb still lags well behind injured teammate Randy Johnson in terms of national recognition. Skilled in the art of promotion, Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas has decided to lend a hand to Arizona’s ace. Arenas has loaned his “Agent Zero” moniker to Webb for the next two months.


The label is highly appropriate for the right-hander, since opposing lineups have put up nothing but zeroes against him since July 20. Friday night at Turner Field, Webb tossed a complete game two-hitter in a 4-0 victory over the Atlanta Braves. It was his third consecutive complete game shutout and left him 17 scoreless innings short of the all-time record, set by Orel Hershiser in 1988. Webb’s dominance has delighted teammates, with the exception of daredevil outfielder Eric Byrnes. Webb’s devastating sinker results in so many ground ball outs, it provides Byrnes with no opportunities to smash full-speed into walls.


In explaining his decision, Arenas reasoned that since he’s in the off-season, he can’t take full advantage of “Agent Zero” for the time being. Loaning it out to Webb brings the man known as “Hibachi,” “The Black President,” and “The East Coast Assassin” down to a dangerously low 78 nicknames. However, Arenas plans to reclaim “Agent Zero” as he opens the NBA season at Indiana on October 31, so Webb will be on his own if he pitches Game 6 of the World Series that night. Arenas was further motivated to loan out his nickname based on his enjoyment from writing a highly popular blog on nba.com. After hearing that blog is short for “web log,” he decided he should “give something back and help out a dude named Webb.”


Arenas does feel a connection with Webb in many ways. Brandon currently plays for Arizona, as Gilbert did in college. Webb has 60 career wins, equaling Arenas’s career-high in points. Also, both of them were Wildcats in college. Webb played at Kentucky, so expect Fox and TBS to capitalize on that background if he pitches in the postseason. Each of his starts will feature approximately 50 crowd shots of Ashley Judd.


Arenas has attached some conditions on the use of “Agent Zero” by Webb. After each start, the pitcher must hurl his jersey into the stands. Also, Webb must mimic Gilbert’s free throw ritual before every pitch. Therefore, the right-hander will spin the baseball around his waist and dribble it three times on the mound before tossing it to home plate. Webb has dismissed concerns that this activity would result in a balk, pointing out that he never has base-runners these days. Webb will not have to shout “Hibachi!” after each out, since the home fans in Phoenix don’t need any more reminders of things that are really hot.


Some Diamondback fans have expressed concern that the “Agent Zero” nickname could leave Webb susceptible to a season-ending knee injury, as Arenas suffered before last spring’s playoffs. However, the ace downplayed those fears, noting that he’s been a workhorse who exceeded 200 innings in each of the previous three seasons. Webb added that unlike Arenas, he’s highly unlikely to have Gerald Wallace fall into his leg while he’s on the mound.


Expecting to be fully healthy when the NBA season begins, Arenas is more eager than ever to pile up the points. In the meantime, the new Agent Zero will be keeping scores low.

The Pro Commissioners' Week in Limericks

As a fan it's the ultimate wish
To be a pro sport's big fish
But when scandal and shame
Overshadow the game
It's a tough week to be a commish

One who knows this is Roger Goodell
Dogged by cruelty in the NFL
He's dying to see
The Falcons' QB
Get mauled by a pit bull in hell

Of David Stern's fears in b-ball
A game-fixing ref's worst of all
While the mob turned vicious
The feds got suspicious
When Tim made a travelling call

Bud Selig is also quite sick
At the park that replaced Candlestick
In the shadow of 'roids
He cannot avoid
Watching Barry hit 756

But amid all the media fuss
Gary Bettman's no gloomy Gus
"This week's not so rocky"
Crowed the leader of hockey
"'Cause nobody cares about us!"

A Summer Movie Guide To The NBA Lottery Picks

It’s summertime - the season for blockbusters to rule the box office. Putting up big numbers is just as crucial in the NBA, which held its draft Thursday night in New York. Among the 14 lottery selections, some will become A-list stars, while others will flop miserably. Here’s how they relate to this summer’s crop of movies.


1. Portland Trail Blazers, Greg Oden: Transformers. Highlighted by Oden, Portland’s roster has been completely transformed over the past two drafts.

2. Seattle Sonics, Kevin Durant: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Durant could be a Rookie of the Year forward, like Chuck Person and Larry Johnson.

3. Atlanta Hawks, Al Horford: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. As a Dominican, Horford is of the Caribbean. But he’s more shot blocker than swashbuckler.

4. Memphis Grizzlies, Mike Conley, Jr.: Mr. Brooks. Conley goes to the worst team in the league, so like Mr. Garth Brooks he’ll have friends in low places.

5. Seattle Sonics (from Boston), Jeff Green: 1408. Actually, new Sonics Durant and Green combined for 1431 points last year.

6. Milwaukee Bucks, Yi Jianlian: Shrek the Third. Like Shrek, Yi is a big man seen in footage from Far Far Away.

7. Minnesota Timberwolves, Corey Brewer: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. The Most Outstanding Player was fantastic at the Final Four.

8. Golden State Warriors (from Charlotte), Brandan Wright: Spider-Man 3. As often happens to Peter Parker, Wright was unable to stay together with MJ.

9. Chicago Bulls, Joakim Noah: Evan Almighty. An ark-building movie just has to be linked to Noah.

10. Sacramento Kings, Spencer Hawes: Live Free or Die Hard. Bruce Willis was partners in Planet Hollywood with a guy who works in Sacramento these days. Hopefully Hawes won’t be such a flop.

11. Atlanta Hawks, Acie Law: A Mighty Heart. Ask anyone who was victimized by his clutch shots.

12. Philadelphia 76ers, Thaddeus Young: Knocked Up. Most forecasts had him going later, but he got knocked up the draft board.

13. New Orleans Hornets, Julian Wright: Ocean’s 13. One number 13 goes with another. Also, both Wright and the Ocean series have been wildly inconsistent.

14. Los Angeles Clippers, Al Thornton: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The Seminole is headed to the Pacific Division, where Phoenix maintains order.


These players especially want to identify with The Simpsons Movie. Someday, they hope to end up in Springfield.

The Sports Week in Oregon: A State of Euphoria

Next Wednesday is the Fourth of July, so celebrations are on the way in all 50 states. However, sports fans in one of those states will be setting off fireworks a week early. This week, Oregon is the sports capital of the USA.


Sunday night in Omaha, Oregon State won its second consecutive College World Series championship with a 9-3 victory over North Carolina. UNC also fell in last year’s championship series, so the Tar Heels once again settled for the honor of “best team outside of Corvallis.” The Beavers were superior in all facets of the game during the two-game sweep at Rosenblatt Stadium. Their advantage even extended to the dugout reporters, as Carolina settled for Kyle Peterson, while OSU hung out with Erin Andrews. ESPN invited an endless stream of inappropriate remarks by assigning its hottest female reporter to Beaver commentary.


OSU closed the postseason with ten consecutive victories. The run was particularly surprising given the club’s struggles in the regular season. The Beavers tied for sixth in the Pac-10 with a 10-14 conference record. They finished nine games behind league leader Arizona State, whom OSU beat 12-6 in Omaha. Last month, the Beavers endured a three-game sweep by the Sun Devils as part of a 4-8 May. However, a miserable May gave way to a championship in June. Dirk Nowitzki can only wish he had the same opportunity.


While the Portland Trail Blazers are not currently championship material, they will also have reason to celebrate this Thursday. The Blazers will take a step up in class after making the #1 selection in the NBA draft. Portland has not won a playoff series since its crushing Game 7 loss to the Lakers in the 2000 Western Conference finals. For a while, the Blazers still enjoyed relevance as the go-to team for cracks about criminal activity. However, even that honor has been stolen (as well as assaulted and driven drunk) by the Cincinnati Bengals.


However, on the heels of Brandon Roy’s Rookie of the Year campaign, the franchise will become relevant once again Thursday night. Unless Kevin Durant is the surprise choice, Ohio State’s Greg Oden will be Portland’s most anticipated draftee since Bill Walton in 1974. The Blazers certainly hope that Oden has better luck than Walton in avoiding injuries. However, they would be happy for Oden to follow the big readhead’s example in leading the Blazers to an NBA championship. Portland will even take the risk that 30 years from now, Oden will be an egotistical broadcaster bantering with Snapper Jones.


With sports in the Beaver State on the rise this week, perhaps it is time for Oregon to improve its state motto as well. The current one is “Alis volat propriis” - Latin for “She flies with her own wings.” First of all, no state should have a motto that sounds like a Patrick Swayze ballad from Dirty Dancing. Also, whoever “she” is, why would she be flying with someone else’s wings? The state animal is a beaver, so why would wings even enter the picture at all? Is the phrase a sly reference to the fact that One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest takes place in Oregon? As you can see, the current motto raises more questions than answers.


In the meantime, the state will enjoy its sports karma while it lasts. The Atlanta Braves could use some of that good fortune these days. The Braves have lost five straight games by a combined score of 27-1. If things continue to go poorly tonight against the Washington Nationals, expect manager Bobby Cox to get tossed early and break the major league record for ejections. Cox won’t stay around for the post-game press conference. He’ll be on his way to Oregon, looking for answers.

Tony & Other Parkers

Thursday in Cleveland, the San Antonio Spurs wrapped up their fourth NBA championship since 1999 with an 83-82 victory over the Cavaliers. Tony Parker was not on hand for the first title, but the Frenchman was the driving force this time. Parker became the first Spur other than Tim Duncan to be named Finals MVP. Fox once had a sitcom called Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, but this time another Parker went undefeated as San Antonio completed a four-game sweep. Tony shares similarities with numerous other Parkers as well. Here’s a rundown.


Charlie Parker: Played jazz and was known as “Bird”
Tony Parker: Played the Jazz and won like Bird

Sarah Jessica Parker: Fundamentally linked to Mr. Big
Tony Parker: Linked to the Big Fundamental

Parker Brothers: Set the standard in board games
Tony Parker: As Finals MVP, set the standard in boring games

Trey Parker: South Park co-creator likes to be dirty
Tony Parker: Teammate Bruce Bowen likes to be dirty

Tony Parker: Brought heartbreak to Cleveland Cavs fans
Willie Parker: Brings heartbreak to Cleveland Browns fans

Tony Parker: Won his third title this year
Peter Parker: Won his third box office title this year

Colonel Tom Parker: Couldn’t stop premature death of The King
Tony Parker: Caused premature demise of The King

Bonnie Parker: With Clyde Barrow, was in a gang that shot and robbed
Tony Parker: Is in a gang with Big Shot Rob

Tony Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2003
Smush Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2007

Tony Parker: Piling up points in the paint, he’s at home around wide-bodies
Parker Stevenson: When married to Kirstie Alley, he was at home around a wide-body

Dave Parker: Won a championship on a team led by Pops
Tony Parker: Won three championships on teams led by Pop

Tony Parker: Embraces odd-numbered years
Parker Posey: As a Christopher Guest regular, embraces odd characters

Camilla Parker Bowles: Married a prince in 2005
Tony Parker: Defeated Tayshaun Prince in 2005

Dorothy Parker: Known for her mocking wittiness
Tony Parker: Made a mockery of “We are all witnesses”

Tony Parker: Fiancée plays a smokin’ suburbanite on TV
Mary-Louise Parker: Plays a tokin’ suburbanite on TV

Candace Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland
Tony Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland. Hopefully, Imus won’t comment on the runner-up.

Ray Parker Jr.: Known for asking “Who you gonna call?”
Tony Parker: Plays at the AT&T Center

Jennifer Parker: Marty’s girlfriend in Back To The Future
Tony Parker: Hopes to go back-to-back in the future

A Billy Donovan Guide To TV Characters

From 1978 to 1981, The White Shadow brought coach Ken Reeves into the homes of viewers. Over the past few days, another basketball coach has been the center of a widely viewed drama. While the parties involved are still working out the resolution, it appears certain that Billy Donovan will return to the University of Florida after signing a contract with the Orlando Magic. Donovan may have a link to Ken Howard, but he won’t be connected to Dwight Howard. Besides the Carver High School coach, here are some other TV characters with relevance to Donovan’s career.


George Costanza: George once quit his job, then reconsidered and went back to work like it never happened.

Hayden Fox: The title character in Coach won a national championship before bolting for a pro job in Orlando. His Orlando gig also was soon cancelled.

Eddie Munster: Opposing fans have pointed out the resemblance.

Homer Simpson: If he keeps UF among the elite, Donovan will wind up in Springfield.

Gilligan: Billy’s Orlando experience was the opposite of the Little Buddy’s expedition. After expecting many years, he wound up with a three-hour tour.

Mimi Bobeck: On the Cleveland-set Drew Carey Show, she was Drew’s arch-enemy. Donovan is also a nemesis in Ohio.

Ernie Pantusso: Like Sam Malone’s pal, Donovan decided to stay as Coach “where everybody knows your name.”

Lucy Ricardo: As a Pitino disciple, Billy also looks to Ricky for guidance.

MacGyver: Donovan is using any available resources (i.e. lawyers) to escape from his predicament.

The Fonz: Jerry Tarkanian won one national championship at UNLV. With his second title, Donovan jumped the Shark.

Stella Bonasera: That’s the CSI: New York character played by Melina Kanakaredes. Like Donovan, Kanakaredes was once the star of Providence.

George Jefferson: Billy was also movin’on up, until he decided to break the lease on the deluxe apartment in the sky.

Toonces: As Kentucky fans would attest, Cats are consistently in peril around Donovan.

Laverne De Fazio & Shirley Feeney: They made their dreams come true at the Shotz Brewery. Donovan made his dreams come true thanks to shots from Brewer.

Jim Halpert: Whether it’s Orlando/Gainesville or Pam/Karen, neither guy can make up his mind.

Doogie Howser: Donovan was much younger than his peers (28) when he became a college head coach.

Cliff Huxtable: He was played by another Bill who was #1 on multiple occasions.

Marcia Brady: Orlando was jilted after “something suddenly came up.”

John Carter: The ER doctor, played by Noah Wyle, was an associate of Mark Green. Donovan was also connected to Noah and Green.

Kevin Arnold: In Gainesville, 2006 and 2007 have been The Wonder Years.

Mary Richards: Billy’s saga brought stress to Anthony Grant, just as Mary did to Lou Grant.

Sonny Crockett: Donovan is at home with the Florida Gators, whereas Crockett kept a gator in his Florida home.

Frasier Crane: Like Billy, he was wealthy and tended to over-analyze his decisions.

Rerun: That’s what UCLA fans thought they were watching at the Final Four.

Bobby Ewing: Maybe the contract signing was all just a dream.

Cleveland vs. San Antonio: An NBA Finals Breakdown

Saturday night in Quicken Loans Arena, the Cleveland Cavaliers downed the Detroit Pistons 98-82 in Game 6 to advance to their first-ever NBA Finals. The San Antonio Spurs are next for LeBron James and company, with Game 1 at the AT&T Center on Thursday night. Here’s a detailed breakdown of the two finalists.


First Round Victims: The Cavs swept the depleted Washington Wizards, while the Spurs beat the Nuggets in five. Cleveland sports fans can only wish for a playoff victory over a team from Denver. Advantage: San Antonio

Top Tourist Attractions: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame honors the best of all time, but the Alamo pays homage to an outmanned group who got slaughtered on their home court. Advantage: Cleveland

Matt Bonner: The Spurs reserve played college ball at Florida, so he has to feel confident facing an Ohio team in the finals. Advantage: San Antonio

Famous Game 5 Heartbreakers: No offense to Derek Fisher, but if you’re going to have your heart ripped out at the buzzer, it might as well be by Michael Jordan. Advantage: Cleveland

Reading High School: Donyell Marshall is the first player from my high school to appear in the NBA Finals. So why not give some dap to the Red Knights? Advantage: Cleveland

Zoos: The San Antonio Zoo has one of the world’s largest bird collections, while the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo has the largest collection of primates of any zoo in the United States. Larry Bird won three NBA titles, but the Phoenix Gorilla has none. Advantage: San Antonio

Super Bowl: This year’s champ was a Midwestern team led by a guy who does tons of commercials. Advantage: Cleveland

1995 & 1996 ACC Tournaments: Wake Forest defeated Virginia both years. So in the postseason, Tim Duncan is 2-0 vs. the Cavaliers. Advantage: San Antonio

Scrabble: Unless the Spurs get seriously lucky with triple-word squares, they can’t compete with Anderson Varejao, Aleksandar Pavlovic, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Advantage: Cleveland

WNBA: The San Antonio Silver Stars have had a losing history, but the Cleveland Rockers folded. In Bruce Pearl fashion, Gregg Popovich sometimes shows up to Silver Stars games in body paint. Advantage: San Antonio

College Hoops: Texas-San Antonio went 7-22 this season, so Cleveland State’s 10-21 campaign totally put them to shame. Advantage: Cleveland

Coach Brown: The Spurs are ready for the Cavs’ Mike Brown, since they defeated a coach Brown in their last finals appearance. Coincidentally, Larry Brown accepted a new job and resigned from it while I was typing that sentence. Advantage: San Antonio

Sub-Freezing Temperatures: Cleveland’s Eric Snow provides defense and veteran leadership. But San Antonio had a Hall of Fame Iceman. Advantage: San Antonio

Signature 2007 Playoff Moments: What was more thrilling? LeBron’s unbelievable game 5 against Detroit, or Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw leaving the bench area? Advantage: Cleveland

Witness: The word on the shirts of many Cavaliers fans. It’s nice to honor a 1985 Best Picture nominee, but Witness lost the Oscar to Out of Africa. Advantage: San Antonio


Tallying up the results, it’s San Antonio 8, Cleveland 7. Looks like a fourth title in nine years for the Spurs.

U.S. Men's Tennis & The Utah Jazz

On Wednesday, American men fell to 0-9 in the 2007 French Open, so the U.S.A. is completely unrepresented in the second round. The Utah Jazz fared better in the NBA playoffs, advancing to the third round. However, as hostile as Paris has been to male U.S. tennis players, San Antonio has been even worse to the Jazz. The Spurs advanced to the NBA finals last night, as Utah suffered its 19th consecutive defeat in San Antonio. While the tennis players try to forget Paris, the Jazz can’t help but remember the Alamo. Here’s a comparison of the U.S. men and Utah.


U.S. Men: Curse the name of Frenchman Roland Garros
Utah Jazz: Curse the name of Frenchman Tony Parker

U.S. Men: Had a tough week on center court
Utah Jazz: Had a tough week on the AT&T Center court

U.S. Men: Haven’t won a title in Paris since 1999
Utah Jazz: Haven’t won a game in San Antonio since 1999

U.S. Men: Too many balls hit the net
Utah Jazz: Not enough balls hit the net

U.S. Men: Argentina man beat Robby Ginepri
Utah Jazz: Beaten by Argentina’s Manu Ginobili

U.S. Men: Past greats included Pete Sampras
Utah Jazz: Past greats included Pete Maravich

U.S. Men: Want more attention from American sports fans
Utah Jazz: Want more attention from American sports fans

U.S. Men: Will wait another year to experience the second round
Utah Jazz: Made Tracy McGrady wait another year to experience the second round

U.S. Men: Michael Russell was eliminated by low-key superstar Roger Federer
Utah Jazz: Eliminated by low-key superstar Tim Duncan

U.S. Men: On clay courts, need more good men
Utah Jazz: At home court, need support of good Mormons

U.S. Men: Legendary John McEnroe never won the French Open
Utah Jazz: Legendary John Stockton never won the NBA title

U.S. Men: Won’t get to play Rafael Nadal
Utah Jazz: Rafael Araujo seldom gets to play

U.S. Men: In April, won a second-round Davis Cup series
Utah Jazz: In May, won a second-round series over Baron Davis

U.S. Men: Wish they could keep playing, like Venus & Serena Williams
Utah Jazz: Wish Deron Williams could keep playing

U.S. Men: Look to rebound from a hard spring
Utah Jazz: Look for rebounds from Matt Harpring

U.S. Men: Russia’s Igor Andreev took out 3rd-seeded Andy Roddick
Utah Jazz: 3rd-seeded Spurs took out Russia’s Andrei Kirilenko

U.S. Men: Long French Open title drought was once ended by Michael Chang
Utah Jazz: Long NBA title drought was twice extended by Michael Jordan

U.S. Men: Next round will not have James Blake
Utah Jazz: Next round will not have LeBron James in Salt Lake

U.S. Men: Score was often love-30
Utah Jazz: Carlos Boozer loves to score 30

U.S. Men: Two-time French Open champ was Courier
Utah Jazz: Two-time NBA MVP was Mailman

U.S. Men: Paris is more daunting than the hardcourt in New York
Utah Jazz: San Antonio is more daunting than the hardcourt in New York

U.S. Men: Less successful in France than Jerry Lewis
Utah Jazz: Successful in the NBA thanks to Jerry Sloan

NBA Playoffs & The Supreme Court

In recent days, the topic of justice has been hotly debated concerning the NBA playoffs. Contenders are competing to reign supreme on the court, but the judgments of David Stern and Stu Jackson cannot be appealed to the Supreme Court. Still, the robed ones in Washington have much in common with the postseason hoopsters. As noted below, each Supreme Court justice has an NBA counterpart who is still alive in the playoffs.


CHIEF JUSTICE:

John Roberts: Jason Kidd. Roberts is the youngest current member of the High Court. So like the Nets, the Court is led by the Kid(d).

ASSOCIATE JUSTICES:

John Paul Stevens: Jerry Sloan. Both guys used to work in Chicago and have been in their current job for a long time.

Antonin Scalia: Richard Hamilton. The conservative Scalia is an admirer of Alexander Hamilton. As Rip learned in Games 4 and 5, bad things happen to Hamiltons when their opponents shoot better.

Anthony Kennedy: LeBron James. Kennedy often represents the swing vote. LeBron’s a pretty good swingman too.

David Souter: Ben Gordon. New Hampshire’s David is a Souter who came from New England. UConn’s Ben is a shooter who came from New England.

Clarence Thomas: Tim Duncan. Thomas doesn’t speak much during oral arguments, so both guys have a quiet court presence.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Steve Nash. Like the up-tempo Suns point guard, Ginsburg is rarely described as conservative.

Stephen Breyer: Carlos Boozer. The Clinton appointee and the Utah Jazz forward both like to go to the left.

Samuel Alito: Chris Webber. Like Detroit native Webber, Alito is a recent addition to the team he’s always wanted to play for.

RETIRED ASSOCIATE JUSTICE:

Sandra Day O’Connor: Amare Stoudemire. Both received lots of attention when they left the bench.

CW To Air "Artis Gilmore Girls" This Fall

As is the case every May, some long-running network television shows are saying goodbye this month. One such series is Gilmore Girls, whose finale airs this Tuesday night. However, the CW plans a similar-themed replacement this fall. The network will add Artis Gilmore Girls to the primetime schedule.


The new dramedy will also focus on the close-knit relationship between single mother Lorelai and her daughter Rory. In honor of former NBA and ABA center Artis Gilmore, the mother and daughter will each sport an afro and mutton chop sideburns. Once again, the roles will be played by Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel, assuming they each grow to be 7’2” over the summer.


In addition to paying tribute to an All-Star basketball player from the 70s and 80s, the show will mirror the style of its predecessor. Therefore, both Artis Gilmore girls will crash the boards while dispensing lightning-fast witty banter. Every time they block a shot, they’ll make a clever pop culture reference. Additionally, Lorelai will endure a strained relationship with her upper-crust mother, who wants her daughter to be more like Kareem Abdul-Jabaar.


The setting of Stars Hollow will be slightly changed to All-Stars Hollow. The name recognizes the five ABA All-Star and six NBA All-Star Games for Artis during his career. Once again, the town will be filled with quirky characters – just like the ABA. Rory’s best friend will be an indie music enthusiast who frequently dunks a red, white, and blue basketball.


The CW hopes to retain fans of Gilmore Girls while adding viewers who considered it too much of a “chick show.” Artis Gilmore Girls will still feature plenty of mother-daughter bonding at the local diner. Since those discussions involve both food and sarcasm, Lorelai and Rory will often be joined by Charles Barkley. Also, the girls’ romantic travails will be analyzed not only by themselves, but in the studio by Stephen A. Smith.


The new series is sure to boost Artis Gilmore’s profile. Despite a distinguished career with the ABA’s Kentucky Colonels and NBA’s Chicago Bulls, San Antonio Spurs, and Boston Celtics, he has not been elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Time has left him overshadowed by the marquee players of his era, but getting his name out there again will surely help his chances to get to Springfield. If there’s one thing that boosts your Basketball Hall of Fame credentials, it’s support from the 18-to-34 year-old female demographic.


Artis Gilmore Girls could be part of a trend this fall. Tonight, CBS bids farewell to The King of Queens after nine seasons on the air. Don’t be surprised if it gets replaced by The Bernard King of Queens.

Howards' End

The legendary Howard Cosell was known for “telling it like it is.” If he were alive today, Cosell would have some harsh words regarding his namesakes in the American sports world. Right now, it’s a tough time to be a Howard.


That statement has been particularly true in the NBA playoffs. The first team eliminated was the Orlando Magic, led by Dwight Howard. Orlando was given little chance against the top-seeded Detroit Pistons, but Magic fans had to be disappointed in getting swept. While Howard provides hope for the future, the franchise has not won a playoff series since Shaquille O’Neal left for Los Angeles in 1996. Besides Shaq’s departure, the drought most likely resulted because God is punishing Orlando for pushing boy bands onto the world.


Apparently, the secret to victory by a #8 seed was to have a Howard in the opponent’s starting lineup. Even with Josh Howard averaging over 20 points, the Dallas Mavericks were stunned by the Golden State Warriors in six games. On the bright side for Howard, the name most associated with this loss was a bit more German-sounding. Although he will almost certainly win the MVP award, Dirk Nowitzki will face ongoing “can’t win the big one” scrutiny. After his 2-for-13 performance in Game 6, MVP stands for “Making Vacation Plans.”


The Mavericks weren’t the only Texas team to be undone by the Howard affliction. Despite playing at home for game 7, the Houston Rockets fell 103-99 to the Utah Jazz, ending the season of Juwan Howard. The headlines are about Tracy McGrady’s playoff defeats, but Juwan’s demise means a clean sweep of the NBA Howards. League officials are fortunate that David Stern is in charge, rather than Howard Stern.


The Howard effect is not limited to the basketball court. 2006 National League MVP Ryan Howard is currently batting .198 as his Philadelphia Phillies head into tonight’s series-ender with the San Francisco Giants. Last year he slugged 58 home runs, but now he’s living below the Mendoza Line. His cold stretch has led to something unbelievable in San Francisco this weekend. He’s a huge, left-handed home run champ, but no one thinks he’s on steroids.


Considering the struggles of Howards, you might think the Detroit Red Wings tempted fate by recalling goaltender Jimmy Howard on Thursday. However, the Red Wings already have future Hall of Famer Dominik Hašek in net, backed up by Chris Osgood. Hašek is a two-time Hart Trophy winner as the league MVP. Still, he has never been more valuable than he is now, because his presence keeps a Howard out of action.


NFL teams surely have taken note of the Howard effect. In last week’s draft, not one player named Howard was chosen throughout the seven rounds. Even Green Bay was scared, despite capturing Super Bowl XXXI thanks to Desmond Howard. Additionally, just to be safe, no team drafted a player from Howard University. If Brady Quinn had been named Brady Howard, he might still be sitting in Radio City Music Hall.


The Howard struggles do not seem to be in effect outside the American sports world. Goaltender Tim Howard was victorious Saturday, as his Everton club defeated Portsmouth 3-0 in an important English Premier League match. Also, Spider-Man 3 is on its way to a runaway box office triumph, despite the presence of Bryce Dallas Howard. In addition to nullifying the Howard effect, the film provides the weekend’s only opportunity to put “triumph” and “Dallas” in the same sentence.


As for the Howards in American sports, perhaps Ryan can soon turn things around. As another Howard (Jones) once sang, “Things can only get better.” If they don’t soon, Ryan Howard may echo Network character Howard Beale: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

Oakland, Detroit & Cleveland: NFL Draft & NBA Playoffs

After much fanfare, the 2007 NFL draft is in the books. Due to their miserable performances in 2006, the first three selections belonged to Oakland, Detroit, and Cleveland. At least for a weekend, these downtrodden teams were able to enjoy the spotlight and experience a sense of hope.

Sports fans in these cities have also gotten a view from the top during the NBA playoffs. Detroit and Cleveland completed first-round sweeps, while the Golden State Warriors are the talk of the league with their 3-1 series lead over the Dallas Mavericks. Here’s how these thriving hoopsters compare to their struggling football neighbors.


OAKLAND:

Warriors: Coach Don Nelson hopes to beat Dallas, his former team
Raiders: Coach Lane Kiffin hopes he could beat USC, his former team

Warriors: Thriving under the leadership of Baron Davis
Raiders: Sinking under the leadership of Al Davis

Warriors: Beat out Clippers for #8 seed
Raiders: Beaten by blitzers on 3rd and 18

Warriors: Stephen Jackson drills three-pointers and gets in trouble with the law
Raiders: Sebastian Janikowski drills three-pointers and gets in trouble with the law

Warriors: Made a miraculous shot before halftime on Sunday
Raiders: Need a miracle to score before halftime on Sundays

Warriors: Jason Richardson skies high for his dunks
Raiders: In trading Randy Moss, said bye to a punk

Warriors: Have overcome the scoring of Stack and Dirk
Raiders: Quarterbacks get sacked and hit the dirt

DETROIT:

Pistons: Took down Orlando, four games out of four in the first round
Lions: Took wide receivers, four years out of five in the first round

Pistons: Have one fewer Wallace these days
Lions: Have one too many Millens these days

Pistons: Gave no chance to Jameer Nelson
Lions: Had no chance at JaMarcus Russell

Pistons: Fans love Rip Hamilton
Lions: Fans love to rip management

Pistons: Provide reminders of the Bad Boys years
Lions: Provide reminders of many bad years

Pistons: Have five quality players in the starting lineup
Lions: Have five quality players in the starting lineup

Pistons: Motivated by last season’s loss to Miami
Lions: Motivated by last season’s loss to Miami, and almost everyone else on the schedule

CLEVELAND:

Cavaliers: Led to playoffs by coach Mike Brown
Browns: Led to ruin by drafting Couch and Brown

Cavaliers: Achieved franchise’s first four-game sweep
Browns: Would love to achieve a four-yard sweep

Cavaliers: LeBron James steals and finishes drives
Browns: Curse the Steelers and The Drive

Cavaliers: Avoided showdown with Agent Zero
Browns: Put up zero in showdown with the Bengals

Cavaliers: First round victory sent the Wizards fishing
Browns: First rounder Joe Thomas spent draft day fishing

Cavaliers: Kansas product Drew Gooden is a Jayhawk
Browns: Brady Quinn’s brother-in-law is A.J. Hawk

Cavaliers: Zydrunas Ilgauskas scores, boards, and goes over 7 feet
Browns: On the scoreboard, going over 7 is a feat


Tampa Bay, which had the #4 pick in the NFL draft, does not have an NBA team. Still, Tampa ended up with as many NBA playoff victories as any other Florida city.