Tony & Other Parkers

Thursday in Cleveland, the San Antonio Spurs wrapped up their fourth NBA championship since 1999 with an 83-82 victory over the Cavaliers. Tony Parker was not on hand for the first title, but the Frenchman was the driving force this time. Parker became the first Spur other than Tim Duncan to be named Finals MVP. Fox once had a sitcom called Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, but this time another Parker went undefeated as San Antonio completed a four-game sweep. Tony shares similarities with numerous other Parkers as well. Here’s a rundown.


Charlie Parker: Played jazz and was known as “Bird”
Tony Parker: Played the Jazz and won like Bird

Sarah Jessica Parker: Fundamentally linked to Mr. Big
Tony Parker: Linked to the Big Fundamental

Parker Brothers: Set the standard in board games
Tony Parker: As Finals MVP, set the standard in boring games

Trey Parker: South Park co-creator likes to be dirty
Tony Parker: Teammate Bruce Bowen likes to be dirty

Tony Parker: Brought heartbreak to Cleveland Cavs fans
Willie Parker: Brings heartbreak to Cleveland Browns fans

Tony Parker: Won his third title this year
Peter Parker: Won his third box office title this year

Colonel Tom Parker: Couldn’t stop premature death of The King
Tony Parker: Caused premature demise of The King

Bonnie Parker: With Clyde Barrow, was in a gang that shot and robbed
Tony Parker: Is in a gang with Big Shot Rob

Tony Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2003
Smush Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2007

Tony Parker: Piling up points in the paint, he’s at home around wide-bodies
Parker Stevenson: When married to Kirstie Alley, he was at home around a wide-body

Dave Parker: Won a championship on a team led by Pops
Tony Parker: Won three championships on teams led by Pop

Tony Parker: Embraces odd-numbered years
Parker Posey: As a Christopher Guest regular, embraces odd characters

Camilla Parker Bowles: Married a prince in 2005
Tony Parker: Defeated Tayshaun Prince in 2005

Dorothy Parker: Known for her mocking wittiness
Tony Parker: Made a mockery of “We are all witnesses”

Tony Parker: Fiancée plays a smokin’ suburbanite on TV
Mary-Louise Parker: Plays a tokin’ suburbanite on TV

Candace Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland
Tony Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland. Hopefully, Imus won’t comment on the runner-up.

Ray Parker Jr.: Known for asking “Who you gonna call?”
Tony Parker: Plays at the AT&T Center

Jennifer Parker: Marty’s girlfriend in Back To The Future
Tony Parker: Hopes to go back-to-back in the future

Cleveland vs. San Antonio: An NBA Finals Breakdown

Saturday night in Quicken Loans Arena, the Cleveland Cavaliers downed the Detroit Pistons 98-82 in Game 6 to advance to their first-ever NBA Finals. The San Antonio Spurs are next for LeBron James and company, with Game 1 at the AT&T Center on Thursday night. Here’s a detailed breakdown of the two finalists.


First Round Victims: The Cavs swept the depleted Washington Wizards, while the Spurs beat the Nuggets in five. Cleveland sports fans can only wish for a playoff victory over a team from Denver. Advantage: San Antonio

Top Tourist Attractions: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame honors the best of all time, but the Alamo pays homage to an outmanned group who got slaughtered on their home court. Advantage: Cleveland

Matt Bonner: The Spurs reserve played college ball at Florida, so he has to feel confident facing an Ohio team in the finals. Advantage: San Antonio

Famous Game 5 Heartbreakers: No offense to Derek Fisher, but if you’re going to have your heart ripped out at the buzzer, it might as well be by Michael Jordan. Advantage: Cleveland

Reading High School: Donyell Marshall is the first player from my high school to appear in the NBA Finals. So why not give some dap to the Red Knights? Advantage: Cleveland

Zoos: The San Antonio Zoo has one of the world’s largest bird collections, while the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo has the largest collection of primates of any zoo in the United States. Larry Bird won three NBA titles, but the Phoenix Gorilla has none. Advantage: San Antonio

Super Bowl: This year’s champ was a Midwestern team led by a guy who does tons of commercials. Advantage: Cleveland

1995 & 1996 ACC Tournaments: Wake Forest defeated Virginia both years. So in the postseason, Tim Duncan is 2-0 vs. the Cavaliers. Advantage: San Antonio

Scrabble: Unless the Spurs get seriously lucky with triple-word squares, they can’t compete with Anderson Varejao, Aleksandar Pavlovic, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Advantage: Cleveland

WNBA: The San Antonio Silver Stars have had a losing history, but the Cleveland Rockers folded. In Bruce Pearl fashion, Gregg Popovich sometimes shows up to Silver Stars games in body paint. Advantage: San Antonio

College Hoops: Texas-San Antonio went 7-22 this season, so Cleveland State’s 10-21 campaign totally put them to shame. Advantage: Cleveland

Coach Brown: The Spurs are ready for the Cavs’ Mike Brown, since they defeated a coach Brown in their last finals appearance. Coincidentally, Larry Brown accepted a new job and resigned from it while I was typing that sentence. Advantage: San Antonio

Sub-Freezing Temperatures: Cleveland’s Eric Snow provides defense and veteran leadership. But San Antonio had a Hall of Fame Iceman. Advantage: San Antonio

Signature 2007 Playoff Moments: What was more thrilling? LeBron’s unbelievable game 5 against Detroit, or Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw leaving the bench area? Advantage: Cleveland

Witness: The word on the shirts of many Cavaliers fans. It’s nice to honor a 1985 Best Picture nominee, but Witness lost the Oscar to Out of Africa. Advantage: San Antonio


Tallying up the results, it’s San Antonio 8, Cleveland 7. Looks like a fourth title in nine years for the Spurs.

U.S. Men's Tennis & The Utah Jazz

On Wednesday, American men fell to 0-9 in the 2007 French Open, so the U.S.A. is completely unrepresented in the second round. The Utah Jazz fared better in the NBA playoffs, advancing to the third round. However, as hostile as Paris has been to male U.S. tennis players, San Antonio has been even worse to the Jazz. The Spurs advanced to the NBA finals last night, as Utah suffered its 19th consecutive defeat in San Antonio. While the tennis players try to forget Paris, the Jazz can’t help but remember the Alamo. Here’s a comparison of the U.S. men and Utah.


U.S. Men: Curse the name of Frenchman Roland Garros
Utah Jazz: Curse the name of Frenchman Tony Parker

U.S. Men: Had a tough week on center court
Utah Jazz: Had a tough week on the AT&T Center court

U.S. Men: Haven’t won a title in Paris since 1999
Utah Jazz: Haven’t won a game in San Antonio since 1999

U.S. Men: Too many balls hit the net
Utah Jazz: Not enough balls hit the net

U.S. Men: Argentina man beat Robby Ginepri
Utah Jazz: Beaten by Argentina’s Manu Ginobili

U.S. Men: Past greats included Pete Sampras
Utah Jazz: Past greats included Pete Maravich

U.S. Men: Want more attention from American sports fans
Utah Jazz: Want more attention from American sports fans

U.S. Men: Will wait another year to experience the second round
Utah Jazz: Made Tracy McGrady wait another year to experience the second round

U.S. Men: Michael Russell was eliminated by low-key superstar Roger Federer
Utah Jazz: Eliminated by low-key superstar Tim Duncan

U.S. Men: On clay courts, need more good men
Utah Jazz: At home court, need support of good Mormons

U.S. Men: Legendary John McEnroe never won the French Open
Utah Jazz: Legendary John Stockton never won the NBA title

U.S. Men: Won’t get to play Rafael Nadal
Utah Jazz: Rafael Araujo seldom gets to play

U.S. Men: In April, won a second-round Davis Cup series
Utah Jazz: In May, won a second-round series over Baron Davis

U.S. Men: Wish they could keep playing, like Venus & Serena Williams
Utah Jazz: Wish Deron Williams could keep playing

U.S. Men: Look to rebound from a hard spring
Utah Jazz: Look for rebounds from Matt Harpring

U.S. Men: Russia’s Igor Andreev took out 3rd-seeded Andy Roddick
Utah Jazz: 3rd-seeded Spurs took out Russia’s Andrei Kirilenko

U.S. Men: Long French Open title drought was once ended by Michael Chang
Utah Jazz: Long NBA title drought was twice extended by Michael Jordan

U.S. Men: Next round will not have James Blake
Utah Jazz: Next round will not have LeBron James in Salt Lake

U.S. Men: Score was often love-30
Utah Jazz: Carlos Boozer loves to score 30

U.S. Men: Two-time French Open champ was Courier
Utah Jazz: Two-time NBA MVP was Mailman

U.S. Men: Paris is more daunting than the hardcourt in New York
Utah Jazz: San Antonio is more daunting than the hardcourt in New York

U.S. Men: Less successful in France than Jerry Lewis
Utah Jazz: Successful in the NBA thanks to Jerry Sloan

Spurs Win 2007 NBA Draft Lottery

The 2006 NBA draft lottery was conducted on Tuesday, with the Toronto Raptors emerging with the #1 overall pick. With no clear-cut choice for the top selection, it is unknown whom Toronto will choose - if they even decide to keep the pick. What is certain is that the Raptors will not be able to duplicate Orlando’s 1992 and 1993 feat of winning consecutive lotteries. The NBA made certain of that by announcing that the San Antonio Spurs have won the 2007 NBA draft lottery.


While the announcement stunned many observers, commissioner David Stern insisted that it was only a formality. Stern noted that San Antonio won the lottery in both 1987 and 1997, so it’s a foregone conclusion that the same scenario would unfold in 2007. Also, the Spurs know to win the lottery when a future Hall of Fame big man is the prize – David Robinson in 1987 and Tim Duncan in 1997. Next year’s projected top selection – incoming Ohio State freshman Greg Oden – is just as coveted by NBA franchises. On the other hand, 1989 was the Spurs’ only other lottery appearance. With Pervis Ellison winding up as the top pick, San Antonio did not bother winning on that occasion.


The decision brightened an otherwise gloomy week for the Spurs, who were eliminated in a classic seven-game series by the Dallas Mavericks on Monday. Some observers charge that Stern was attempting to upstage his frequent critic – Dallas owner Mark Cuban – with the timing of the announcement. Cuban has not been reached for comment, but officials from the Atlanta Hawks have already blistered the commissioner. Since no one cares about the Atlanta Hawks, reporters are waiting on Cuban’s press conference this afternoon in Dallas. The Mavericks owner will reportedly unload bags of money onto a table, representing payment for the fine he will get for his subsequent remarks.


Stern’s critics charge that you cannot place a team in the following year’s lottery - before the season has even been played. The commissioner responded that the NBA has done this for years with the Los Angeles Clippers. “You can’t have an NBA draft lottery without the Clippers, so we always reserve a spot for them in advance.” Told that the Clippers were not part of Tuesday’s lottery, Stern replied, “Dude, stop pulling my leg.” The reporter insisted that the Clippers had indeed made the playoffs and won a first round series. The commissioner answered in a patronizing voice, “Of course they did – in Crazyland.”


Before officially receiving the top selection, San Antonio still has the obligation of missing next year’s playoffs. That outcome may appear unlikely for a team that won 63 games in the regular season and captured three championships in the past seven years. However, two of the team’s stars have vowed to do their part. Guard Tony Parker will only be a part-time player, spending much of his time as girlfriend Eva Longoria’s new gardener on Desperate Housewives. Duncan plans to sit out the NBA season and play minor league baseball in the Chicago White Sox organization.


Since the lottery was instituted in 1985, Robinson and Duncan are the only #1 overall selections to win an NBA title with the team that drafted them. The Spurs expect Oden to follow suit. The resulting victory parades will bring jubilation to the franchise. And so will the 2017 draft lottery.