Rumsfeld Joins Knicks' Coaching Staff

One day after the eventful mid-term elections, further change was evident in Washington as President Bush announced the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Bush has nominated Robert Gates, a former CIA director and current president of Texas A&M University, as Rumsfeld’s replacement. As for the outgoing secretary, he will make the move from the Pentagon to Madison Square Garden. New York Knicks head coach and general manager Isiah Thomas announced that he has hired Rumsfeld as an assistant coach.


Thomas described Rumsfeld as a great fit for the Knicks due to his record during the Iraq war. The feeling was mutual from Rumsfeld, who stated, “The New York Knicks have shown a commitment to spending outrageous sums of money, with little success to show for their efforts. That’s my kind of team!” In hiring the outgoing secretary, Isiah reportedly went against the advice of Bobby Knight, his coach at Indiana. As a General, there was no way Knight could endorse Rumsfeld.


The new assistant does provide New York with a reminder of the team’s glory days. Rumsfeld is a Princeton alumnus who comes to the team after a career in politics. Bill Bradley was a Princeton graduate who went into politics after a career with the Knicks – highlighted by the 1970 and 1973 NBA championships. Bradley was regarded as a team player who would pass up a shot if he could set up a teammate with a better one. Similarly, during the Bush administration Rumsfeld has been content to leave the shooting to Dick Cheney.


The secretary did have some interaction with the Knicks during his tenure at the Pentagon. The same questionable intelligence used to justify the invasion of Iraq was also responsible for New York’s first round selection of Renaldo Balkman. Even more notable was the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal that led to widespread calls for Rumsfeld’s resignation. Defense Department officials regretfully acknowledged that some prisoners had been forced to watch an entire Knicks game on DVD.


New York had some good news Wednesday night, as Jamal Crawford’s 3-pointer with 3.7 seconds remaining capped a 109-107 road win over the Denver Nuggets. While encouraged by the result, Rumsfeld reiterated the Knicks’ need to stay vigilant on the long road to success. “We will remain committed to winning the war on turnovers,” he declared. Rumsfeld added, “New York must always remember 9-11,” referring to the days when the Knicks were good enough for a 9-11 record after 20 games.


Upon joining New York, the outgoing secretary will find numerous similarities to his previous line of work. The Knicks’ defense, like the Department of Defense, is often a target of ridicule. The United States has become bogged down in the Middle East, while the Knicks have struggled in the Eastern Conference. Rumsfeld is not interested in international alliances, so he is happy that New York is a rare NBA team with only U.S.-born players on its roster. He is also unconcerned about potential clashes with high-maintenance guard Stephon Marbury, remarking that Marbury “can’t hate me as much as the Democrats in Congress did.”


Before the Iraq war, Rumsfeld was quoted as saying, “It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months.” That remark lives in infamy, along with Cheney’s statement that “we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.” However, Rumsfeld does expect warm greetings to be commonplace during his time with the Knicks. Opposing players and fans will be very happy to see them.

Davis To Miss Five Games; Knicks Teammates Jealous

On Thursday, the NBA suspended New York Knicks forward Antonio Davis five games for entering the stands during Wednesday’s game in Chicago.  The suspension began with last night’s 105-79 home loss to Detroit.  Teammates on the 13-25 Knicks are united in how they view Davis’s absence from the team.  They are enormously jealous.

 

 

The incident occurred during overtime of New York’s 116-114 loss to the Bulls.  Davis entered the stands as his wife Kendra was seemingly in a confrontation with a nearby fan.  He remained calm as the potentially explosive situation was defused.  However, while acknowledging Davis’s restraint, the league office emphasized that no player may enter the stands under any circumstances.  An NBA spokesman commented, “David Stern has been entrusted with maintaining the integrity of the game.”  He added, “The only thing the commissioner has failed to maintain is the ability of our players to hit a mid-range jump shot.”

 

 

Reports have surfaced today that Davis staged the incident to intentionally get away from his lowly team for a few games.  With the game in Chicago, Davis hired an improv performer from the city’s famed Second City troupe to put on the scene with his wife.  Michael Axelrod, the performer in question, asked nearby spectators for an occupation, an everyday household object, and a family vacation destination before commencing the argument with Mrs. Davis.  As he was led away by security, Axelrod shouted, “And blackout!”

 

 

Disgusted by New York’s horrendous season, Davis apparently used his own improv background to conceive of a way to escape the misery for a few games.  After beginning his career in Indiana, Davis has insisted on playing in cities where improv has a strong foothold – Toronto, Chicago, and New York.  He considered backing out on the scheme after scoring a season-high 16 points against the Bulls.  However, as he saw Axelrod and his wife performing the scene as planned, he knew he had to enter the stands.  No performer worth his salt can miss his cue.  Davis had no intention of inflicting physical harm, unless Axelrod tried to hog the scene to himself and failed to give Mrs. Davis a chance to shine.

 

 

Knicks teammates are admitting that Davis had a brilliant plan and wished that they had conceived it themselves.  “That’s the way to go – head into the seats, so they have to suspend you, but don’t hurt anyone,” commented one player.  He added, “Nobody wants to miss the whole season like Ron Artest, but I’d kill for a few games off from the losing.”  Davis ingeniously arranged matters so that his first game off was an inevitable pounding from the Pistons, leading another teammate to call him “a rebounding Einstein.”

 

 

Look for players from other downtrodden teams to draw inspiration from Davis.  After the opening tip of an upcoming game in Atlanta, do not be surprised if three Hawks starters simultaneously dash into the stands in quest of two weeks off from defeat.  The Portland Trail Blazers will also have players joining the spectators.  However, this activity has already been taking place.  For years, Trail Blazers have commonly wandered up the aisles in search of quality reefer.

 

 

Davis has used the NBA’s prohibition on entering the stands to his advantage.  Now he has a well-earned break until the Knicks’ January 30 matchup in Atlanta.  It is clear that his incident is in no way comparable to last year’s ugly scene in Auburn Hills.  After all, Ron Artest had no improv training.