Rockies To Take On Steelers This Sunday

Monday night, the Colorado Rockies completed a sweep over the Arizona Diamondbacks to advance to their first World Series. Their layoff will reach nine days before opening the Fall Classic, so there is concern that the red-hot Rockies could lose their momentum before taking on the Red Sox or Indians. However, manager Clint Hurdle has devised a way to keep his club fresh in the meantime. The Rockies will step in for the Denver Broncos and take on the Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday night.


The Steelers were already planning to go to Denver this weekend, so their travel plans will not change. However, while they prepared for the Broncos, the Rockies are a completely different animal. Both Denver teams won on September 16. Subsequently, the Rocks are 20-1, while the Broncos are 0-3. Colorado has dominated in Coors Field and Chase Field, so Invesco Field seems to be a logical next step. The scorching ballclub has little in common with the slumping Broncos, unless a young Rockie or two was fathered by Travis Henry.


Skeptics will claim that a major league baseball club, even on a historic run, will have no chance against a top-level NFL team like Pittsburgh. However, Colorado has numerous factors in its favor. In the Steelers’ only trip out west this season, they fell to the Arizona Cardinals. The Rockies, on the other hand, are 3-0 versus foes from Pennsylvania this month. Furthermore, National League clubs tend to be very successful when they face an opponent from Pittsburgh.


Also, while the Steelers have numerous stars, the Rockies seem to match up with each of them. Troy Polamalu can be answered by Troy Tulowitzki. Willie Parker gets balanced by Willy Taveras. And Ben Roethlisberger will be unable to throw the deep ball, since the footballs will be stored in a humidor.


Colorado, for its part, will respond with Todd Helton at quarterback. Helton, as frequently noted, backed up Peyton Manning at Tennessee. Manning is more than happy to help his old college buddy, since a Pittsburgh loss could help Indianapolis with its AFC playoff position down the road. Reportedly, Peyton’s most important piece of advice for beating the Steelers was “keep Vanderjagt off the roster.” Helton is unlikely to put up Manning-type numbers, but he can also be successful handing off the ball. This month the Rockies have been quite proficient at running sweeps.


While many fans will be intrigued to see if Colorado can continue its hot streak in a different sport, there are some dissenters. Chief among them is NBC, which is televising the game on Sunday night. After seeing the ratings for the NLCS, the network wanted no part of the Rockies in prime time. Also, MVP candidate Matt Holliday is adamantly against competing in an NFL game. Thinking back to the decisive play at the plate versus San Diego, he refuses to play a sport that uses instant replay.


Regardless of what happens on Sunday, Colorado will then turn back to its primary goal of winning the World Series. Like the Steelers two seasons ago, the Rockies hope to win a championship as a wild card team. As for Pittsburgh, it must quickly adjust its focus before this weekend. Champ Bailey won’t be waiting, but the NL champs will.

Cowher's Replacement: Some Not-So-Obvious Choices

Friday represented the end of an era for the Pittsburgh Steelers, as Bill Cowher resigned after 15 seasons as head coach. Much of the early speculation about his successor has centered on Pittsburgh assistants Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm. However, many other less obvious candidates would make sense for the Steelers. Here is a rundown.


Peter Angelos: As the Orioles’ owner, he knows how to keep a Baltimore team from winning.

Bobby Bowden: Cowher was preceded by a Noll, so why not succeed him with a Nole?

Larry Brown: He’s already coached a Big Ben to a championship.

Al Bundy: He loves to relive his football glory days, and there’s no chance that he’ll quit to spend more time with his family.

Kim Cattrall: She encourages men to get physical, and she’s worked with a star named Parker.

Bill Clinton: He’s another “Bill C” who was chosen for a high-profile job in 1992.

Simon Cowell: The Terrible Towel would fit in well with the Unbearable Cowell.

Leonardo DiCaprio: As Cowher did as an assistant for Marty Schottenheimer, Leo often works with a Marty who seeks an elusive trophy.

John Edwards: Like Cowher, he’s an NC State alumnus who knows that winning in Ohio is crucial.

Jeff Fisher: You can never have enough references to The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh.

Mario Lemieux: He’s brought championships to Pittsburgh, and he’s all about being Super.

Craig T. Nelson: After coaching high school football in the 80s (All the Right Moves) and college football in the 90s (Coach), he’s due for an NFL job.

Conan O’Brien: He’s already planning to take over for a guy called “The Chin” – why wait until 2009?

Nick Saban: He’s been at Alabama for a few days now, so he’s ready to move on.

Martha Stewart: As a home decorating guru, she could do wonders with a Steel Curtain.

Lynn Swann: He’s available after losing the Pennsylvania governor election. In western PA, this job is far more important anyway.

Jim Tressel: Just as Cowher thrived with The Bus, Tressel does his best work around a Carr.

Mike Vanderjagt: He‘s proven that he can help the Steelers win in the playoffs.

Mike Wallace: 60 Minutes gave him experience in working with an old-timer named Rooney.

Charlie Weis: He’s won in Heinz Field with the Patriots and Notre Dame. And he needs to leave the Fighting Irish to have a chance of winning a Bowl.

Source: Roethlisberger Crash Part of Bengals' Conspiracy

On Monday, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger suffered numerous injuries in a motorcycle crash in downtown Pittsburgh. The incident came a year after Cleveland Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. endured a motorcycle crash that caused him to miss the 2005 season. Reports have surfaced that these seemingly unrelated events are connected. An anonymous source claims that the incidents were part of the Cincinnati Bengals’ conspiracy to convince division rivals to ride motorcycles.


Roethlisberger was not wearing a helmet at the time of his accident. Such risky behavior had drawn concern from the Steelers organization. Big Ben had even wanted to forgo helmets on the football field before being overruled by head coach Bill Cowher. Last summer, former Steelers legend Terry Bradshaw expressed his dismay over Roethlisberger’s motorcycle riding, feeling that the activity put him in needless jeopardy of serious injury. The Cincinnati front office allegedly arranged for Bradshaw’s appearance, feeling that Big Ben would do the opposite of what the Fox broadcaster advised. This strategy was based on the belief that the phrase “Terry Bradshaw, voice of reason” was too ridiculous to be taken seriously.


Fortunately for Roethlisberger, his injuries do not appear to be as severe as Winslow’s. Big Ben broke his jaw and nose while suffering minor knee injuries, but he is expected to be available when the Steelers begin defense of their Super Bowl title. Winslow, on the other hand, tore knee ligaments and did not see any action last fall. Surveillance video caught Winslow performing stunts in his ride around a parking lot. According to the anonymous source, video also showed a man in a Bengals jersey urging Winslow to try more dangerous maneuvers. That footage has not been shown to the public.


The other members of the AFC North, the Baltimore Ravens, have not endured any motorcycle mishaps. However, safety Ed Reed and linebacker Ray Lewis appear to have been targeted. One recent morning, a new Harley-Davidson mysteriously appeared outside Reed’s front door, with a note saying, “This is not from anyone in the Bengals organization. Really, I swear.” Lewis reportedly received a phone call in which the caller disguised his voice and went into great detail about the benefits of motorcycle riding. The fake voice trick apparently did not work, as Lewis knew from caller ID that he was talking to Chad Johnson.


According to the allegations, the conspiracy appears to target division rivals who played college football at Miami. Hurricanes have long been known for their swagger. They are considered more likely than other college players to have a sense of invincibility. Therefore, the theory is that they can be convinced to try dangerous pursuits such as motorcycle riding without fear of injury. The focus on Roethlisberger seems to be an oversight, as he played for Miami of Ohio.


Bengals officials could not be reached for comment. However, they have been stringent in forbidding any of their team members from riding motorcycles. Reportedly, they have been particularly emphatic on this issue with new wide receiver Arthur Fonzarelli, whose love for motorcycles is well-known. The front office clashed with the Fonz over his desire to perform a dangerous stunt with his bike, leaping over golfer Greg Norman. Team officials eventually won out, convincing him that jumping The Shark could lead to disaster.


Sources close to commissioner Paul Tagliabue noted that the league will investigate the allegations. In the meantime, Roethlisberger’s former teammate Jerome Bettis has already taken action in an emergency meeting of Miller Lite’s Men of the Square Table. With no exceptions, motorcycle riders must wear helmets, in accordance with Man Law.

Cowher Retires From Bridesmaid Coaches Club

“Retirement” was a buzzword in Detroit Sunday night as native son Jerome Bettis ended his career with a Super Bowl championship. However, The Bus was not the only Pittsburgh Steeler to quit something last night. Pittsburgh’s 21-10 victory over Seattle means that coach Bill Cowher has retired from the Bridesmaid Coaches Club.


The club was founded by Hall of Fame Minnesota Vikings coach Bud Grant, who was 0-4 in Super Bowls. Marv Levy and Dan Reeves, also 0-4 in the big game, currently serve on the board. Members of the organization are all long-time, successful coaches who have done everything but win a championship. To knowledgeable sports fans, these men are highly respected. Or, as sports talk radio callers refer to them, losers.


While club members are happy for Cowher’s triumph, they lament the rapidly decreasing membership of the organization. In the past year, titles for North Carolina and Texas have removed Roy Williams and Mack Brown, respectively, from the club. Longtime major league manager Gene Mauch passed away last summer, moving on to a better place where the 1964 Phillies and 1986 Angels play for a World Series title. Jim Boeheim and Larry Brown are among others who have defected in recent years. However, before ending his membership, Cowher did ensure that Indianapolis coach Tony Dungy would be around for at least another year.


In fact, Dungy’s presence is emblematic of the organization’s greatest recent success: its commitment to diversity. Cardinals coach Dennis Green and Cubs manager Dusty Baker are fellow African-American members of the group. However, Green’s membership could be up for review. He was a frequent playoff visitor in Minnesota, but in Arizona his teams have not been good enough to be considered bridesmaids. They haven’t even made it inside the church.


Cowher’s exit leaves a huge void in the organization. Before taking over in Pittsburgh, he spent seven years as an assistant under fellow Bridesmaid Coaches Clubber Marty Schottenheimer. He became a member himself at the young age of 40 after leading the Steelers to the playoffs in each of his first six seasons. He nearly was ineligible even before then, as Pittsburgh outplayed Dallas in many ways in Super Bowl XXX. However, quarterback Neil O’Donnell’s ability to find the open Dallas defender paved the way for Cowher to join the Bridesmaids. Fortunately, new members do not have to actually dress as bridesmaids when they are inducted. Cowher’s mustache and famous jaw would not go well with a frilly pink dress.


Cowher’s exit from the group is permanent. Once a member wins a championship, he completely loses his eligibility. Therefore, Bobby Cox and Tony La Russa, no matter how many playoff eliminations they experience, are barred from the organization for capturing one World Series title each. Membership in the Bridesmaid Coaches Club is the same as virginity – once you lose it, you can’t get it back.


The organization was hoping to have a farewell dinner in Cowher’s honor. However, despite their best efforts, they weren’t quite able to get it done.

A By-The-Roman-Numerals Look At Super Bowl XL

I   Number of Super Bowl appearances Seattle will have made after Sunday, in its XXXth season.  Just III more decades until the next one!

 

II   Teams in this game who lost to the Jacksonville Jaguars this season.  Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio has denied reports that he will try to claim the Lombardi Trophy after the game.

 

III   NFC teams who have not reached the Super Bowl, now that the Seahawks have done so.  The others (Detroit, Arizona, New Orleans) have all hosted the big event, minimizing the threat of a participant having home-field advantage.

 

IV   Super Bowl championships won by the Steelers, including II during the Ford presidency.  No wonder Pittsburgh is favored to win at Ford Field.

 

V   Consecutive years in which the Steelers played the Raiders in the playoffs, from the MCMLXXII through MCMLXXVI seasons.  The first contest featured the Immaculate Reception, as the Virgin Mary scored the winning touchdown.

 

VI   Pittsburgh’s seed in the AFC playoffs.  The Steelers failed to make the Super Bowl as the I seed last year, so they wisely won IV fewer games this season.

 

VII   Pro Bowls for Hall of Fame Seahawks wide receiver Steve Largent, who later represented Oklahoma for VIII years in Congress.  Ugly partisan politics on Capitol Hill were nothing compared to facing the Raiders twice a year.

 

VIII   Postseason touchdown receptions for Hall of Fame Steelers wide receiver Lynn Swann.  Like Largent, Swann is entering the political field as a candidate for governor of Pennsylvania.  He has publicly rebuked incumbent Ed Rendell for his stone hands and lack of breakaway speed.

 

IX   Completions for Pittsburgh quarterback Terry Bradshaw in each of the Steelers’ first II Super Bowl victories.  The running game was more prominent back then, plus Bradshaw had to share snaps with James Brown, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson.

 

X   Home wins without a loss, including the playoffs, for the Seahawks this season.  Also the name of a popular Pearl Jam album.  By law, any column by a non-Seattle resident that discusses the city must include a reference to grunge music.

 

XI   Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s position in the first round of the MMIV NFL draft.  VII spots behind another quarterback, Philip Rivers, who has seen less action than Steve Carell’s character before the chest-waxing.

 

XII   “Man” represented by the Seahawks fans, drawing the wrath of Texas A&M.  The school has filed suit, claiming the rights to the “XIIth Man” phrase.  The Aggies sneaked that extra guy onto the field against Texas – the only way they could keep the score respectable.

 

XIII   Completions in Green Bay for Matt Hasselback during two seasons as Brett Favre’s backup.  The stress from knowing he had no chance to move up with the Packers caused his hair to fall out.

 

XIV   Seasons Bill Cowher has been the head coach of the Steelers – longest among active NFL coaches.  Clearly the front office is too lazy to conduct a search for a new guy.

 

XV   Finalists for this year’s enshrinement into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  Inductees will be announced in Detroit on Saturday.  Shockingly, the finalists include Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe Jackson.

 

XVI   Seahawks’ coach Mike Holmgren’s place on the NFL’s all-time regular season victories list.  Alphabetically among all-time coaches, Holmgren comes right behind Bob Hollway, whose career consisted of consecutive IV-IX-I campaigns with the St. Louis Cardinals.  The men who hired Hollway were looking for someone with consistency.

 

XVII   A guaranteed losing number for these teams.  Pittsburgh allowed this many points in playoff victories over Cincinnati and Denver, and scored this many in an earlier loss to Jacksonville.  Seattle tallied this number twice – in setbacks to Washington and Green Bay.  If either team has X points and scores a touchdown, expect a II-point conversion attempt.

 

XVIII   Years that Seahawks owner and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has owned the Portland Trail Blazers.  Bail payments for players have dropped him a few spots on Forbes’ world’s richest people list.

 

XIX   Losses for North Carolina in the MMII and MMIII seasons.  Those were the junior and senior years for running back Willie Parker, who rarely saw action.  Now he’s starting for the Steelers in the Super Bowl.  Maybe, just maybe, he could have done okay against Duke.

 

XX   Ounces in a venti-sized Starbucks coffee.  The law regarding Seattle-related articles, noted in item X above, also holds for Starbucks references.

 

XXI   Years, before this season, since Seattle had won a playoff game.  The Seahawks faded away at about the same time as Wham! did.  Unlike Andrew Ridgeley, they have returned.

 

XXII   Consecutive wins for rookie Seattle linebacker Lofa Tatupu to finish his USC career.  Once they rid themselves of Steelers safety Troy Polamalu, they could finally win national championships.

 

XXIII   Points for Seattle, to XVI for Pittsburgh, in the last matchup between these teams in MMIII.  The Steelers still have not recovered from the loss.

 

XXIV   Points scored by Pittsburgh running back Franco Harris, on IV touchdowns, in his Super Bowl appearances.  Franco played half a season in Seattle to finish his career, so it’s hard to know who he’ll pull for on Sunday.

 

XXV   Career passing attempts for backup Seattle quarterback Seneca Wallace.  So if Hasselback goes down with an injury, you’ll never notice the difference.

 

XXVI   Points allowed by the Steelers in a regular season loss at Indianapolis.  Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt converted on all IV field goal attempts, proving that he’s totally money against Pittsburgh.

 

XXVII   All-time playoff wins for Pittsburgh.  But their first postseason game, in MCMXLVII, was a loss to the Eagles.  And for these Steelers, it still stings.

 

XXVIII   Record number of touchdowns scored by Seattle running back Shaun Alexander in the regular season.  As a result, Alexander received a record number of marriage proposals from fantasy football owners.

 

XXIX   Years since ABC commentator John Madden coached the Oakland Raiders to a Super Bowl title.  Sportswriters were up in arms, as the MVP was Fred Biletnikoff, years before the use of spell-check.

 

XXX   Seconds in a standard commercial.  When everyone at the party is actually paying attention to the screen – even the people who think that a slant pattern has something to do with draperies.

 

XXXI   NFL teams who will envy Sunday’s winner.  But at least they won’t be tied up with those parades, trips to Disney World, talk shows, etc.

 

XXXII   Team-record touchdowns thrown by Seattle quarterback Dave Krieg in MCMLXXXIV.  He only trailed Dan Marino by XVI that season.

 

XXXIII   Yards Dallas cornerback Larry Brown returned an interception to set up the clinching touchdown in a XXVII - XVII Cowboys victory in Super Bowl XXX – Pittsburgh’s last appearance in the big game.  Brown was named Super Bowl MVP and paid tribute to his NBA namesake by switching teams in the offseason.

 

XXXIV   Points scored by both Pittsburgh and Seattle in their conference championship games.  Adding in the XIV tallied by Carolina against the Seahawks, those III teams outscored Kobe Bryant by I point that day.

 

XXXV   Points scored by Pittsburgh in a playoff-clinching victory over Detroit in the season finale.  Although the game was in Pittsburgh, fans in the Motor City booing Lions president Matt Millen could still be heard.

 

XXXVI   Uniform number of Pittsburgh running back Jerome Bettis.  Rumor has it, Bettis is a Detroit native, but no one has mentioned it this week.

 

XXXVII   Age of Seattle punter Tom Rouen, the oldest player on either roster.  But since punters get so much media attention, you already knew that.

 

XXXVIII   Victories, against only VI losses, for the Detroit Pistons thus far.  So in addition to the Super Bowl, the NBA Finals will likely be contested in Motown this year.  Don’t hold your breath on the World Series.

 

XXXIX   Total points scored in Seattle’s first victory of the season – a XXI – XVIII triumph over Atlanta in Week II.  Michael Vick was distracted during the game by repeated calls from his brother’s attorney.

 

XL   Extra point attempts, without a miss, for Pittsburgh kicker Jeff Reed during last year’s regular season.  He was also perfect on XLV attempts this season.  So if he happens to miss one on Sunday, Steelers fans will surely let him slide.

Kobe & The Steelers: A Comparison

On Sunday, both the Pittsburgh Steelers and Kobe Bryant made a huge splash in the sports world.  The Steelers defeated the Denver Broncos 34-17 to advance to the Super Bowl against the Seattle Seahawks.  Bryant scored an amazing 81 points – second all-time to Wilt Chamberlain’s legendary 100-point outing – in the Lakers’ 122-104 victory over the Toronto Raptors.  Like the Steelers, Kobe hails from Pennsylvania.  However, the comparisons do not stop there.

 

 

Steelers:  Scored 10 second-half points in Sunday’s victory

Kobe:  Scored 55 second-half points in Sunday’s victory

 

Steelers:  Feature a beloved running back called The Bus

Kobe:  Plays on a team owned by a Buss

 

Steelers:  Left Colorado with the AFC championship trophy

Kobe:  Often left Colorado with a team of lawyers

 

Steelers:  Committed no turnovers on Sunday

Kobe:  Committed a completely unacceptable three turnovers on Sunday

 

Steelers:  Considered giant killers after eliminating the Colts last week

Kobe:  Feuded with a giant for years before making up with him last week

 

Steelers:  Inspire fans to wave the Terrible Towel

Kobe:  Plays with the terrible Kwame Brown

 

Steelers:  Does not have a reputation as a passing team

Kobe:  Does not have a reputation as a passing player

 

Steelers:  Subdued the Snake on Sunday

Kobe:  Subdued the Raptors on Sunday

 

Steelers:  Play in a stadium named for ketchup

Kobe:  Plays in an arena named for office supplies, which don’t taste as good

 

Steelers:  Sunday’s opponent won back-to-back Super Bowls in the late 1990s

Kobe:  Sunday’s opponent might have won back-to-back games in the late 1990s

 

Steelers:  Described as “unrelenting” by coach Bill Cowher in press conferences

Kobe:  Described as “uncoachable” by coach Phil Jackson in a book

 

Steelers:  Play in a city that has three rivers

Kobe:  Plays in a city that has Joan Rivers

 

Steelers:  Felt that Sunday’s win smelled as sweet as a rose

Kobe:  Spent much of Sunday’s win embarrassing Jalen Rose

 

Steelers:  Hope to win a Super Bowl ring

Kobe:  Hopes he doesn’t need to buy another $4 million ring

 

Steelers:  Championship glory days evoke images of Lynn Swann’s grace

Kobe:  Championship glory days evoke images of Mark Madsen’s dancing

 

 

Now the Steelers will go to Detroit in search of a title.  They hope to fare better than Kobe did there two years ago, when he had to watch the Pistons celebrate.  In one important way, the Steelers’ situation is the reverse of Kobe in 2004.  They’re the team with Big Ben on their side.

A Great Day For Pittsburgh and the Panthers

At the start of the day, three home teams had very high hopes.  The Indianapolis Colts planned to begin their march to the Super Bowl.  The Chicago Bears looked to advance to their first NFC championship game in 17 years.  And the Louisville Cardinals anticipated a victory over a previously undefeated opponent.  All three fell short of their goals.  This Sunday, the sports world belonged to Pittsburgh and the Panthers.

 

 

Most notably, the Pittsburgh Steelers stunned the top-seeded Indianapolis Colts 21-18 in an AFC playoff showdown.  Pittsburgh dominated the first three quarters before Indianapolis closed to within three with 4:24 remaining.  On fourth down, Peyton Manning was sacked on his own 2-yard line with 1:20 remaining, seemingly ending matters as reporters thought of 20 different ways to ask, “Peyton, what’s that stuck in your throat?”

 

 

The contest then ended as everyone expected it would.  First, a future Hall of Fame running back (Jerome Bettis) fumbled the ball away.  Then, a cornerback (Nick Harper) who was allegedly stabbed by his wife yesterday picked up the ball and looked to score a touchdown that would put the Music City Miracle and Immaculate Reception to shame.  The return was stopped when quarterback Ben “Call Me Butkus” Roethlisberger made the tackle.  Eventually, the Colts attempted a tying field goal, missed badly by the most accurate kicker in NFL history (Mike Vanderjagt).  I’m pretty sure a bunch of dinosaurs then came onto the field and started doing the Electric Slide.

 

 

Just as predictable as Pittsburgh’s triumph was the Carolina Panthers’ high-flying 29-21 victory in Chicago.  In November, the Bears kept the Panthers out of the end zone in a 13-3 triumph.  Today it took Carolina 55 seconds to score a touchdown.  A Bears defense that had allowed 61 points in eight home regular season games was grilled like a Chicago-style hot dog.  Carolina’s Steve Smith had 218 receiving yards, turning the Monsters of the Midway into the Windy City Wimps.  Just don’t tell them I said that.  Please.

 

 

However, the Panthers’ victory came at a price.  Running back DeShaun Foster, already subbing for the injured Stephen Davis, broke his ankle.  More seriously, Carolina’s win means that sports fans must endure another week of Jake “Daylight Come and You Gotta” Delhomme references from ESPN’s Chris Berman.  I don’t know what we’ve done to deserve that.

 

 

With karma on the side of Pittsburgh and the Panthers, Louisville faced a double whammy against the Pittsburgh Panthers.  The Cardinals entered with a #10 ranking, due to last year’s Final Four run and this year’s impressive victories over… well, due to last year’s Final Four run.  Trailing most of the game, the Panthers rallied for a 61-57 victory.  Sports bars around Pittsburgh erupted.  Because the Steelers were leading at the time.  Most of the city is still unaware that Pitt played a game today.

 

 

Pitt’s surprising undefeated run will surely end soon in the difficult Big East.  Louisville is one of four new additions to the league, which now has 16 members.  The Panthers will have a particularly tough time with #3 Villanova, which… hang on a second… this can’t be right…  Okay, they don’t even play Villanova?!  And they’re in the same conference?  How does that make any sense whatsoever?  Anyone?

 

 

Somehow, the NHL was immune to the Pittsburgh/Panthers effect.  The Florida Panthers were not in action today, but the lowly Pittsburgh Penguins lost 5-4 to the Nashville Predators.  However, since most of you were not aware of the existence of a team called the Nashville Predators, I’ll move on to the next paragraph.

 

 

I feel eminently qualified to comment on a big day for Panthers.  On a glorious day in 1984, my game-winning goal led the Northeast Panthers to the city junior high school soccer championship over the hated Northwest Vikings.  Way back in the days when you could mention Vikings in a sports column without inserting the phrase “sex boat.”  On that day I felt as Steve Smith does today.  Except that he doesn’t wear braces, and he’s not a dork.

From Heel to Steel

After week 2 of the NFL season, Pittsburgh’s Willie Parker is the surprise rushing leader in the AFC.  Parker played at UNC, so as a proud Carolina alumnus I’d like to share my favorite memories of him as a Tar Heel.  Uhhh….. Give me a minute….. I swear, I saw him on the field a few times….. Hold on…..

 

Parker has rushed for a total of 272 yards in the Steelers’ blowout victories over Tennessee and Houston.  That’s 91 yards more than he gained in his entire senior season at UNC.  Today he’s a vital part of a Super Bowl contender.  Two years ago, he wasn’t considered useful to a team that went 2–10 with a loss to Duke.  Yes, Duke does have a football program – I double-checked to make sure.

 

Parker did have some moments as a Tar Heel, primarily in his first two years.  He rushed for a career-high 158 yards as a freshman in a victory over Maryland.  His sophomore season was highlighted by a 131–yard effort in a Peach Bowl win over Auburn.  Coach John Bunting rewarded him by giving him the next two years off.  As his former teammate Julius Peppers went on to stardom in the NFL, Parker was stuck in the NCAA witness protection program.

 

Initially, Parker had wanted to attend East Carolina.  He later changed his mind in favor of UNC, even though his high school coach advised against it.  Parker has made this quote about that decision: “The only time I didn’t listen to him was the biggest mistake of my life.”  I’m pretty sure that’s the only time in history a pro football star has said, “I should have gone to East Carolina.”

 

19 running backs were selected in the 2004 NFL draft, but Parker was not one of them.  The 19 selections included standouts such as Steven Jackson and Julius Jones, but I’m sure a couple of the others are selling insurance right now.  Meanwhile, the Steelers decided to take a look at the undrafted Tar Heel.  And that may have been by accident.  Rumor has it, head coach Bill Cowher demanded to the front office, “Make sure Parker gets invited to training camp!”  Apparently a huge fan of “Sex and the City,” Cowher was crushed when Sarah Jessica was a no-show.

 

Parker (Willie, that is) made the team last year and rushed for 102 yards in the regular season finale at Buffalo.  After Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis went down with injuries in the pre-season, he stepped in as the starting running back.  Now he’s the darling of fantasy league owners everywhere.  Meanwhile, his old team in Chapel Hill has struggled mightily on the ground, rushing for a total of 118 yards in losses to Georgia Tech and Wisconsin.  Facing a tough task against arch-rival NC State’s stifling defense this Saturday, the Carolina coaching staff reportedly contacted Parker, telling him, “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come back and play for us!”

 

But Parker will be busy trying to take down the New England Patriots this weekend.  Sure, starting against the Super Bowl champs may not compare to those glorious memories of sitting on the bench against Wake Forest.  But it will just have to do.