Brave Old World

In news that’s as surprising as finding a drunk person in Buckhead, the Braves have clinched another division title.  That makes it 14 in a row since 1991.  Here’s a by-the-numbers look at Atlanta’s run, from 1 to 14.

 

1     World Series titles during the run

2     Episodes of “World’s Scariest Police Chases” shown on TBS during a Braves rain delay

3     Winning seasons for Atlanta in the 14 years prior to 1991

4     Profanities yelled by a typical Mets fan between pitches to Chipper Jones

5     Consecutive years in which the Braves have been eliminated from the post-season at Turner Field

6     Cy Young Awards won by Atlanta pitchers during the streak

7     John Rocker’s beloved train in New York

8     Runs given up by Danny Kolb in a typical outing

9     Games won for the 1987 AL East champion Tigers by Doyle Alexander after a deadline trade from Atlanta.  In return, the Braves got some minor league stiff named Smoltz.

10    Regular season at-bats for Francisco Cabrera in 1992 before NLCS heroics

11    Franchises who have eliminated the Braves from the playoffs since 1991

12    Foam tomahawk chops swallowed by a deceased fan in an ill-fated attempt to impress his buddies

13    Rocking motions made by Leo Mazzone between pitches

14    Average age of the 2005 starting lineup

 

Amid the exciting development, Braves fans everywhere are exclaiming, “Yeah, whatever…”

Texas Tech Schedules Series With Junior High School

College football insiders have had a field day with the non-conference schedule of Texas Tech. Noting the ineptitude of Florida International, Sam Houston State, and Indiana State, these critics claim that the Red Raiders couldn’t possibly have had an easier slate. To prove these naysayers wrong, the school has scheduled a two-year series with Lubbock’s Evans Junior High School for 2006 and 2007.

 

The announcement is very controversial amid the debate about whether 13 and 14–year-olds should be competing against college players. However, Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach defended the move, noting the buzz the games will spark in the Lubbock area. “They’ll be real backyard brawls,” gushed Leach. “Besides, kickoff will be in the afternoon and won’t interfere with the Evans players’ curfews.”

 

The Fighting Eagles, for their part, are looking forward to the challenge. Sure, the annual tussle with Dunbar Middle School gets the juices flowing. But taking on a member of the Big 12 is the ultimate challenge. Well, except for puberty. And talking to that cute girl in algebra class who probably doesn’t know you exist.

 

Indeed, Evans may be as much of a challenge as this year’s opponents. Florida International, a 56–3 victim, was rated 119th among Division I-A teams in Sports Illustrated’s college football preview. Out of 119. But at least they’re in I-A. Texas Tech pounded I-AA Sam Houston State 80–21. The victims, known as the “Bearkats,” were so dizzy from the trouncing that they couldn’t spell their nickname correctly. Indiana State completed the trilogy by falling 63–7 in Lubbock. The Sycamores aren’t even competitive in I-AA, having been pummeled 42–10 by St. Francis of Indiana. Which isn’t even one of the St. Francis colleges I’ve heard of.

 

However, after taking a 56–0 halftime lead, Texas Tech was played to a 7–7 second half by Indiana State. This result was apparently too close for comfort for the Red Raiders. Learning their lesson, next year they’ll pick on the ninth graders.

Scandal Rocks Hall of Fame

A week ago it was a time for celebration at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  Now those good feelings have been turned aside by controversy.  Last Friday the Cleveland institution announced the nominees for induction in 2006.  Today stunning reports surfaced that one of those nominees has tested negative for drugs.

 

The news has sent shock waves throughout the rock and roll world.  A Hall of Fame spokesman noted, “Dude, you can’t just have sex and rock and roll!  It’s sex, DRUGS, and rock and roll!  We got standards here, man.”  He then asked members of the media if he could crash on their couches.

 

The performer in question has not been identified, but most of the speculation has centered on John Mellencamp.  In one of his hit songs from the 1980s, Mellencamp notes that he was born in a small town.  And he lives in a small town.  Will probably die in a small town.  He describes in painstaking detail everything he does in a small town.  Yet he never says, “I do drugs in a small town.”

 

According to one individual who was present at the arbitrator’s hearing after the negative test, the performer claimed that he had no idea how his test could have turned up negative.  His only possible explanation was that items given to him by another rocker, believed in good faith to be drugs, turned out to be flaxseed oil.  After an awkward pause, the musician then yelled, “I’m SO wasted!”  The testimony was unconvincing to the arbitrator, who was himself stoned and failed to show up at the hearing.

 

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is no stranger to controversy.  Many hard-line electors contend that inductees need to have dominated the music world for a period of time.  They feel that rockers who have been consistently good for a long period of time, but never the best, fall short of the Hall of Fame criteria.  Those subjects are viewed as enjoyable, lively debate.  However, this new issue is a major setback to the Hall of Fame’s public image.  The Hall has always been proactive in reassuring the American people that its members do drugs, most notably with its “Just Say Blow” campaign.  Some major spin control is now in order.

 

The performer’s identity will surely be revealed soon.  He’ll learn a painful lesson: Rock and roll is no place to be drug-free.

From Heel to Steel

After week 2 of the NFL season, Pittsburgh’s Willie Parker is the surprise rushing leader in the AFC.  Parker played at UNC, so as a proud Carolina alumnus I’d like to share my favorite memories of him as a Tar Heel.  Uhhh….. Give me a minute….. I swear, I saw him on the field a few times….. Hold on…..

 

Parker has rushed for a total of 272 yards in the Steelers’ blowout victories over Tennessee and Houston.  That’s 91 yards more than he gained in his entire senior season at UNC.  Today he’s a vital part of a Super Bowl contender.  Two years ago, he wasn’t considered useful to a team that went 2–10 with a loss to Duke.  Yes, Duke does have a football program – I double-checked to make sure.

 

Parker did have some moments as a Tar Heel, primarily in his first two years.  He rushed for a career-high 158 yards as a freshman in a victory over Maryland.  His sophomore season was highlighted by a 131–yard effort in a Peach Bowl win over Auburn.  Coach John Bunting rewarded him by giving him the next two years off.  As his former teammate Julius Peppers went on to stardom in the NFL, Parker was stuck in the NCAA witness protection program.

 

Initially, Parker had wanted to attend East Carolina.  He later changed his mind in favor of UNC, even though his high school coach advised against it.  Parker has made this quote about that decision: “The only time I didn’t listen to him was the biggest mistake of my life.”  I’m pretty sure that’s the only time in history a pro football star has said, “I should have gone to East Carolina.”

 

19 running backs were selected in the 2004 NFL draft, but Parker was not one of them.  The 19 selections included standouts such as Steven Jackson and Julius Jones, but I’m sure a couple of the others are selling insurance right now.  Meanwhile, the Steelers decided to take a look at the undrafted Tar Heel.  And that may have been by accident.  Rumor has it, head coach Bill Cowher demanded to the front office, “Make sure Parker gets invited to training camp!”  Apparently a huge fan of “Sex and the City,” Cowher was crushed when Sarah Jessica was a no-show.

 

Parker (Willie, that is) made the team last year and rushed for 102 yards in the regular season finale at Buffalo.  After Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis went down with injuries in the pre-season, he stepped in as the starting running back.  Now he’s the darling of fantasy league owners everywhere.  Meanwhile, his old team in Chapel Hill has struggled mightily on the ground, rushing for a total of 118 yards in losses to Georgia Tech and Wisconsin.  Facing a tough task against arch-rival NC State’s stifling defense this Saturday, the Carolina coaching staff reportedly contacted Parker, telling him, “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come back and play for us!”

 

But Parker will be busy trying to take down the New England Patriots this weekend.  Sure, starting against the Super Bowl champs may not compare to those glorious memories of sitting on the bench against Wake Forest.  But it will just have to do.

Stanford Almost Knocks Off UC Davis

Coming off a season-opening win over Navy, Stanford had an opportunity for an even greater victory in Palo Alto on Saturday night.  But its valiant effort came up just short as the Cardinal fell 20–17 to a powerhouse UC Davis team.  The victorious Aggies, in transition from Division II, are only two years away from becoming a full-fledged member of Division I–AA.

 

For much of the evening, it looked as though the Cardinal would pull off the unthinkable.  Thanks to two touchdowns off fumbles, Stanford held a 17–0 lead midway through the second quarter.  But you can’t keep a juggernaut like UC Davis down for long.  The Aggies closed to within 17–14 in the third quarter and even missed two potential game-tying field goal attempts in the fourth.  Finally, the plucky Cardinal succumbed to the inevitable as UC Davis scored the winning touchdown with eight seconds remaining.  Stanford can find consolation in gaining close to 200 yards of total offense against a team that is clearly ready for Division I–AA right now.

 

It’s a wonder that the Cardinal was able to stay competitive in this contest.  In their first two games, the Aggies only lost to New Hampshire and Portland State by a combined six points.  Also, UC Davis is a member of the vaunted Great West Conference, whose other members need no introduction: Cal Poly, North Dakota State, Northern Colorado, South Dakota State, and Southern Utah.  When you travel to football hotbeds like Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Pac-10 stadiums are small potatoes.  “UC Davis is a great program,” noted Stanford head coach Walt Harris.  “Because that’s what their conference is named, and I’m sure the people who created it wouldn’t lie.”

 

Prior to Saturday night, Stanford had never lost to a non-Division I-A program.  That amazing streak is now history, as the Cardinal could no longer buck the odds.  UC Davis had not faced a current member of the Pac-10 since 1939, so it had 66 years to prepare a winning game plan for this matchup.  The Aggies also had the revenge factor, as Stanford had won the only previous meeting between the schools, 59–0 in 1932.  Members of that UC Davis team could not be reached for comment, but their corpses are undoubtedly smiling today.

 

The remainder of Stanford’s home schedule looks to be anticlimactic.  AP #24 Oregon, #18 Arizona State, #25 UCLA, #13 California, and #16 Notre Dame are clearly not on the same level as UC Davis.  Hopefully the Cardinal fans savored their one opportunity to see a team like the Aggies.

 

Next week UC Davis stays on the road to take on Sacramento State.  Hopefully the Aggies can regain their focus after the huge scare they received from Stanford.

NHL Outlaws Old Guys

Mark Messier is unquestionably one of the greatest winners in National Hockey League history.  Five of his Edmonton Oiler teams skated away with the Stanley Cup.  He also earned a place in New York sports lore by leading the Rangers to a memorable title in 1994.  But this week Messier succumbed to an opponent he just couldn’t defeat: the NHL’s campaign to get rid of old guys.

 

Messier is 44 years old and just one of several 40–something stars who have retired in recent weeks.  Other notable players who have called it quits include 42–year-olds Ron Francis and Al MacInnis, as well as Scott Stevens, 41.  All future Hall of Famers, they seemingly ended their careers voluntarily.  In reality, they were forced out by the NHL’s zero tolerance policy toward players over 40.

 

The campaign was instituted by league officials to address marketing concerns after last season’s strike.  Having faded in popularity within the American sports landscape, the NHL decided to re-position itself to our youth-obsessed culture.  The league endlessly trumpeted Sidney Crosby, the #1 draft pick by the Pittsburgh Penguins, simply because he’s 17.  The fixation on youth has gone so far that the front line for the Anaheim Mighty Ducks includes two characters from “The OC.”

 

However, this policy may backfire for the NHL, having already caused one major embarassment.  The 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team provided some of the most magical moments in American sports history.  Yet not one member of that group is currently playing in the National Hockey League.  Clearly they face an enemy more powerful than the Soviets.  Do you believe in ageism – yes!

 

Some players remain defiant of the order.  Stalwarts such as Steve Yzerman, Chris Chelios, and Brett Hull are at least 40 and still active.  Hull obstinately looks forward to playing under new coach Wayne Gretzky for the Phoenix Coyotes.  But don’t expect the league office to yield.  Reached for comment about these holdouts, commissioner Gary Bettman remarked, “We have a team in Phoenix?”

 

It should be noted that Mario Lemieux turns 40 on October 5.  To overcome NHL officials and take his place on the ice, he’ll truly have to be Super Mario.

Red Sox Nation Joins the UN

Today at its New York headquarters, the United Nations officially welcomed Red Sox Nation as its newest member.  UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan noted that the General Assembly was greatly impressed by Red Sox Nation’s new-found prosperity after 86 years of hard times.  Annan denied claims that the move was motivated by his desire to procure “wicked awesome seats” in Fenway Park for the postseason.

 

Red Sox Nation’s membership had been blocked for many years because UN members were skeptical that the group could succeed in New York.  A seemingly certain entry in 1986 was bungled at the last minute.  More recently, its 2003 membership bid was denied at the 11th hour due to the efforts of a delegate with an otherwise inconsequential stint in New York.

 

President Bush harshly denounced the move amid rumors that he plans to invade Red Sox Nation.  The president cited Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz as evidence that Red Sox Nation is harboring weapons of mass destruction.  He also lambasted Carl Yastrzemski, Red Sox Nation’s UN ambassador, for having “a really hard name to spell.”  Reportedly President Bush made the same criticism of Jim Rice.

 

Despite opposition from the president, Red Sox Nation’s membership was endorsed by 13 of the 15 UN Security Council members.  The only other dissenter was Raider Nation, apparently still bitter about the “Tuck Rule Game” and holding a grudge toward all New England sports fans.  Annan reportedly incensed Raider Nation by playfully re-enacting Adam Vinatieri’s game-winning kick from that matchup, but other Security Council members commented, “That’s just Kofi being Kofi.”

 

Red Sox Nation is eager to work with all the United Nations agencies.  It has already been very active with the World Health Organization in the hopes that the WHO can assist Boston’s injury-plagued pitching staff.  Overall, the UN is confident in this belief: you can’t work for world peace without a Green Monster.

A Package of Cupcakes

Next Saturday, opponents for Big East Conference football teams include Georgia Tech, Virginia, Maryland, Nebraska, and Oregon State.  This group represents a major step up in class from foes of the past weekend.  Then again, how could it not?

 

League favorite Louisville had a bye week.  It still faced tougher competition than most of its conference mates.  Four of the seven opponents were from Division 1–AA programs, and only one of those four was ranked in last week’s 1–AA Top 25.  Indeed, this group represented not a murderers’ row, but a jaywalkers’ row.  Here are the credentials of the not-so-magnificent seven:

 

Penn State (defeated Cincinnati 42–24):  Has fallen far from its once lofty perch in recent years, playing in just one bowl game over the past five seasons.  Making it by far the class of this bunch.

Ohio (defeated Pittsburgh 16–10 in OT):  Notable more for what it’s not: NOT Ohio State; Located in Athens but NOT the Georgia Bulldogs; Led by former Nebraska head coach but NOT Tom Osborne;  Unfortunately for Panther fans, NOT Dave Wannstedt’s first win.

Buffalo (lost to Syracuse 31–0):  NOT the Bills (okay, I’ll stop that).  Has been shut out in three straight games, all by Big East schools (the other two were both against UConn).  Rated 118 among 119 Division 1–A programs in Sports Illustrated’s season preview – Take that, Florida International!

Villanova (lost to Rutgers 38–6):  Gave eventual champion North Carolina a scare in the Sweet 16.  Oh, we’re talking football?  Okay, it’s the alma mater of Howie Long and Brian Westbrook.  A possible Final Four contender – sorry, still thinking hoops.

Wofford (lost to West Virginia 35–7):  Ranked #22 in last week’s Division 1–AA poll by The Sports Network.  Located in Spartanburg, SC, a city whose website proclaims, “Service Is Our Business.”

Florida A&M (lost to South Florida 37–3):  Located in the same city as a college football powerhouse (Florida State).  Has a great marching band.  Sounds like a juggernaut if you break up its name, since Florida is a top 10 team, and A&M is a contender in the Big XII.

Liberty (lost to Connecticut 59–0):  Founded by Moral Majority leader Jerry Falwell.  Linebackers defend not with crushing hits, but by sitting in judgment of opposing ballcarriers’ lifestyles.

 

Although the competition gets tougher next Saturday, Rutgers has some good news: they’re next for Buffalo.

Dodgers Injury Limericks

There was an outfielder named Drew

Whose times in the lineup were few

Watchful fans were alert

That he always was hurt

Except when his contract was due.

 

Another disabled Dodger, but one who has excelled for them:

 

Gagne was the Dodgers closer

To hitters he was a bulldozer

His Canadian heat

Would make them dead meat

As he told them, “Take off, you hosers!”

 

And a classic injured Dodger moment:

 

There was a hurt slugger named Kirk

Whose pinch-hitting seemed doomed not to work

Though his knees were a wreck

He went deep off of Eck

And the fans went completely berserk.

Curse of the Brand-ino

Seeking their first playoff birth in 12 years, the Phillies lost 2–1 to the Astros Tuesday night.  The defeat was Philadelphia’s 11th straight against Houston.  Let me repeat – 11 IN A ROW!  Something to be expected – if you’re Vanderbilt against Tennessee.  But not from a major league club with postseason aspirations.  Then again, the Phils may be fighting a force more powerful than a Roger Clemens fastball: The Curse of the Brand-ino.

 

Brandon Duckworth is a right-handed pitcher who came up through the Phillies organization.  He went 15–18 over parts of three seasons in Philadelphia before being packaged with two minor leaguers in a November 2003 trade for Astros closer Billy Wagner.  Wagner has been a great closer for the Phils, so at first glance the deal appears to have benefited the club.  But in reality, Philadelphia may have cost itself dearly by incurring Duckworth’s wrath, calling to mind the old saying, “Hell hath no fury like a marginal major league pitcher scorned.”

 

Before 2004, the Phillies always got the better of the Astros when it counted.  Bobby Abreu is in Philadelphia’s outfield because Houston left him unprotected in the expansion draft, allowing Tampa Bay to select him and trade him to the Phillies for the legendary Kevin Stocker.  That was Philly’s best trade since 1992, when the Astros wanted Jason Grimsley so much, they gave up Curt Schilling to get him.  Most significantly, there was the 1980 NLCS.  Down 5–2 after 7 innings in the decisive fifth game and facing Nolan Ryan on the mound, the Phils managed to win in 10 innings.  They went on to win their only World Series championship, while the Astros settled for watching themselves on tape in “The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training.”  Jackie Earle Haley paled in comparison to Tug McGraw’s joyous leap off the mound.

 

But since Philadelphia dealt Duckworth, the club is 0 for 11 against Houston.  Rumor has it that he put a hex on the Phillies, vowing that they would never defeat the Astros again.  Duckworth apparently hoped that as a pitcher who places a curse on his old team, he would go on to be a record-setting home run hitter.  Or maybe a fat guy who plays with hangovers, I’m not sure.

 

Although Duckworth has spent more time in AAA than with the big league club since the trade, his shadow looms large over this series.  Taking no chances, Houston recalled him prior to the trip to Philly.  Two one-run victories have resulted, and the Astros even defeated Wagner in Tuesday night’s game.  Duckworth surely put his Billy Wagner voodoo doll to use in the ninth inning.

 

Most baseball observers agree that a right-handed pitcher acquired after the 2003 season has helped put the Astros into the wild-card lead.  But Philadelphia knows that his name is not Roger Clemens.  Tonight the Phillies have their last chance of the season to overcome the Curse of the Brand-ino.  If they don’t, the losing streak may last 86 years.  Note to security personnel at Citizens Bank Park: if Duckworth shows up with a goat, let the goat in!

Temple's National Title Hopes Dashed

Mr. Cosby, I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your Temple football team will not be taking home the national championship this season. The Owls opened their 2005 campaign with a heartbreaking 63–16 loss at Arizona State. The outcome remained in doubt until late in the first quarter.

 

The defeat opens Temple’s first season as an affiliate member of the Mid-American Conference. Fearful of being dominated by the Owls for years to come, the Big East voted to evict Temple after the 2004 season. The move saddened college football fans, who mourned the loss of the legendary Temple-Rutgers rivalry. They can only hope that the Owls start a similar tradition with MAC member Western Michigan, its September 24 opponent.

 

Showing the confidence of a gridiron powerhouse, Temple scheduled eight teams that played in bowls last season. The team’s aggressive defense was particularly up to the task after head coach Bobby Wallace enlisted the assistance of Temple basketball coach John Chaney, who knows how to get his players to hit people. However, the dreams of an undefeated season are now gone. Having spoiled a potential Temple-USC Rose Bowl matchup, Arizona State will likewise hope to derail the Trojans in Tempe on October 1.

 

Next week the Owls stay on the road to take on Wisconsin. The opening loss means that the ESPN GameDay crew will choose not to be in Madison, instead covering the Ohio State-Texas matchup in Columbus. Temple does hope to rebound from the disappointing defeat to achieve a historic double later this season: defeating Miami of Ohio and Miami of Florida. Both must travel to Philly, and after losing 12 consecutive games to their former conference mates from Coral Gables, the Owls feel that they are due.

 

But Thursday’s loss brings more bad news for title-starved Philadelphia sports fans. They can still hope for the best from the other tenant of Lincoln Financial Field. But to die-hard Owls fans, cheering on the Eagles just isn’t the same.

Open Minded

For American sports fans, the news that Andy Roddick was eliminated in the first round of the U.S. Open Tuesday night was shocking.  Not because he was the #4 seed.  Or because he lost in straight sets to a guy from Luxembourg, of all places.  No, what’s most stunning to these fans was this: “The U.S. Open is going on?”

 

Things are much more low-profile in Flushing Meadow than they were in the days of McEnroe and Connors on the men’s side, Evert and Navratilova for the women.  Quck, name five men’s seeded players!  Okay, in addition to the already departed Roddick, you can give me Roger Federer and Andre Agassi.  Unless you assumed that Agassi’s retired and only plays in commercials with his wife.  Two more players?  Didn’t think so.  Even if I gave you 2nd-seeded Rafael Nadal, you’d say, “You idiot, he’s the shortstop for the Braves!”

 

As for the women, I have faith that you’ll name four: the Williams sisters, Maria Sharapova (pause for the male readers to drool), and Lindsay Davenport.  I’ll even give you a clue for another.  The fifth-seeded woman is the defending champion and from Russia.  No, it’s not Sharapova – you already had your chance to drool!  The answer is Svetlana Kuznetsova.  Oh yeah, Svetlana Kuznetsova!  Like Roddick, she’s already been eliminated and is therefore no longer relevant to this article.

 

The largest factor for the U.S. Open’s diminishing popularity among Americans is that, well, there’s not much U.S. in the Open.  Of the 33 seeded women’s players (Why 33?  Is it a Rolling Rock thing?), three are Americans.  Yes, they’re three of the players you actually recognize – #2 Davenport, #8 Serena Williams, and #10 Venus Williams.  But no spunky, up-and-coming American gals among the next 23.  Where have you gone, Tracy Austin?

 

On the men’s side, once again, only three U.S. players are seeded.  But to be fair, the men’s seeds only go to 32, so the ratio is better.  And that’s even with skipping the #5 seed.  Seriously, the list of seeded men’s players on the official U.S. Open website goes from #4 Roddick to #6 Nikolay Davydenko.  Upon further research, it turns out that Marat Safin was the #5 seed but had to withdraw due to injury.  But come on, if you’re gonna seed the guy, at least put him on the website – don’t act like he doesn’t exist!  Marat, if you’re reading, at least I’m giving you your props.  Anyway, you’re all familiar with two of the American men: Roddick and #7 Agassi.  The third seeded guy from the U.S.?  Of course, it’s #25 Taylor Dent.  I think he either sang “Tell It To My Heart” in the late 80s or was Brad Pitt’s character in “Fight Club.”

 

The women’s draw is pretty wide open, with CBS praying that the finals involve someone from among the Williams sisters and Sharapova (all on the same half of the bracket).  I don’t think they’d be dancing a jig over a final between Amelie Mauresmo and Nadia Petrova.  Federer, the defending champion, is the clear favorite on the men’s side due to his dominant play over the last two years.  In fact, keeping in mind the blue surface of the courts, some feel the only way he could lose is if he has to face Boise State.

 

So now you’re up to speed on the U.S. Open.  No, not the golf tournament.  Oh, forget it!

NL West Sent To Minors

In an unprecedented move, the entire National League West division was demoted to AAA this morning.  The action was spurred by the horrendous performance of the division, lowlighted by a first-place San Diego Padres club at 63–65.  At an aggregate 71 games below .500, the West may be fortunate it was only sent down one level.

 

Major League Baseball officials noted that the NL West had been overmatched by big league pitching.  And hitting.  Further exposure to major league action may have severely damaged the division’s confidence.  Therefore, a stint in the Pacific Coast League was considered appropriate until the West is again ready to face big league competition.

 

The move is a humbling blow to the NL West, having been in the majors since 1969.  On the bright side, the minors are generally considered to be more fan-friendly.  Local businesses are eagerly looking forward to sponsoring kids’ sack races between innings.  Also, team chemistry should be improved as road trips will be made by bus rather than by plane, giving Jeff Kent and Milton Bradley ample time for bonding.

 

A league official insists that the move was for the NL West’s own good, and they remain confident in the division’s ability.  “If the West works hard and stays focused, good things will happen at the AAA level,” said the official.  “Once we’re satisfied the West can sustain that success, we’ll give it another shot in the bigs.”

 

There’s no word on whether that shot could happen this season.  It’s possible that the NL West could have to prove itself in spring training before being called up again.  Certainly not an ideal position for a proud veteran division.

Clemens Harmful to Houston Hitters

Despite Roger Clemens’s first complete game of the season, the Houston Astros fell 2–0 to the San Diego Padres on Tuesday.  The result is all too familiar to Astros fans.  Although he has a dazzling 1.56 ERA, Clemens has a modest 11–6 record.  Houston has been shut out in two of his last three starts, and amazingly, in seven of the Rocket’s appearances this season.  The team has scored three runs or fewer in 16 of his 27 starts.  Which leads to one logical conclusion: Clemens is hurting the Astros’ offense.

 

Baseball has a rich history of showcasing fearsome pitchers.  Hitters could count on a sleepless night with the prospect of facing Bob Gibson or Nolan Ryan the following day.  But Clemens has taken this dread to the next level – he’s so intimidating, he even scares his own batters.  Houston manager Phil Garner must keep this factor in mind when he fills out his lineup card.  Just as American League managers often sit a struggling left-handed hitter when Johan Santana is pitching, Garner would be well-advised to bench a slumping batter when he sends Clemens to the mound.  Otherwise, the odds just aren’t in his favor.

 

It could be argued that the Rocket’s effect on the Astros’ offense cost Houston the National League pennant last season.  Forced to a game 7 by Jim Edmonds’s walk-off home run in St. Louis, Garner’s decision to start Clemens ensured that Cardinals starter Jeff Suppan would be almost unhittable.  Houston only managed one run as the Cardinals advanced to the World Series.

 

The ineptitude of the Astros’ offense during Clemens’s starts has to have an effect on the team’s psyche.  It’s rumored that sluggers Carlos Beltran and Jeff Kent left town because being in the same lineup with Clemens every fifth day would severely diminish their numbers.  Astros players routinely take extra batting practice on days when Clemens is pitching, but nothing seems to be working.  Before a recent start by the Rocket, one player in the Houston lineup pointed to his bat and lamented, “Why do I even have this thing today?  It won’t do me any good!”

 

Clemens next takes the mound on Sunday to face the Dodgers.  Los Angeles starter Jeff Weaver is already licking his chops.

So Long, Bob Huggins

The University of Cincinnati has ordered basketball coach Bob Huggins to resign by Wednesday, or he will be fired. This development results from university president Nancy Zimpher’s ongoing displeasure with the controversial Huggins.

Huggins has been the head coach of the Bearcats for 16 seasons. Whenever a long-time coach exits, it seems appropriate to comment on his legacy. With that in mind, here are the top 10 accomplishments of Bob Huggins as coach at Cincinnati.

 

10. The graduation of former player, um… there’s gotta be one, right?

9. 2nd round NCAA tournament appearance last March gave much-needed air time to underexposed Bearcat fan Nick Lachey.

8. Sent great character guys like Nick Van Exel and Ruben Patterson to the NBA.

7. Helped UC join the Big East Conference, which now has 38 members.

6. Enabled program to replace stale “alma mater of Oscar Robertson” label with “the place where all those thugs play.”

5. Enhanced Jerry Tarkanian’s image by making him look squeaky-clean in comparison.

4. Players’ absenteeism from classes helped keep student-teacher ratio low.

3. Never let the consumption of a 12–pack stop him from giving you a ride home.

2. Endeared himself to upset-hopeful bracket pickers as his highly-ranked teams reliably tanked in the 2nd round.

1. Players’ off-court activities kept employment levels high in the Cincinnati police department.

 

Bob, if you’re reading, feel free to put these on your resume.

Sports Before and After

One of the most enjoyable categories you’ll see on Jeopardy! is “Before and After.”  The answer combines two different subjects, with the end of the first subject being the start of the second.  For example, if I were to ask for the all-time major league hits leader who will host the BCS championship game this January, you would answer, “Pete Rose Bowl.”  Got it?  Sadly, I never had a “Before and After” category during my Jeopardy! career, but I’ve taken the liberty of creating numerous “Sports Before and After” questions for your enjoyment.  The answers are included at the end, and there’s no need to phrase your response in the form of a question.  Sorry, no Daily Doubles either.

 

Starting With the Home Team:

1.  2004 Democratic presidential candidate who let out an infamous scream and won a record 879 games as head coach.

2.  Long-time Las Vegas act who coached his team to the 2005 NCAA basketball championship.

3.  Refreshing mall staple who won the 2001 Lombardi Trophy.

4.  2005 Final Four Most Outstanding Player who’s a “Star Wars” catchphrase.

And One For the Rivals:

5.  Night Ranger hit song about the player who hit a famous buzzer-beater vs. Kentucky.

A Philly Sports Fan’s Worst Nightmare:

6.  Talented but oft-injured Dodgers outfielder who represents Terrell Owens.

For Fans of “The Simpsons”:

7.  Game-ending round-tripper who says, “D’oh!”

8.  All-Star second baseman who’s a Springfield newscaster.

9.  European Ryder Cup standout who owns a nuclear power plant.

10.  Elementary school employee who hit 660 home runs in the major leagues.

And the Rest:

11.  1994 National League MVP who’s a catchphrase used by the Church Lady.

12.  Female tennis star of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s who’s a long-running CBS sitcom.

13.  Eagles pass rusher who haunted Red Sox fans for 86 years.

14.  Star Lakers guard from West Virginia who recounted the feud between the Sharks and the Jets.

15.  Denver baseball player who’s the movie in which Ivan Drago kills Apollo Creed.

16.  Long-time Detroit Red Wings star who’s a Joey Tribbiani catchphase.

17.  Star Packers running back who’s a beloved Dr. Seuss work.

18.  1997 National League MVP who’s a Chuck Norris TV show.

19.  Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan movie who won horse racing’s triple crown in 1977.

20.  Survivor hit song about this year’s Masters and British Open champion.

21.  “Diff’rent Strokes” catchphrase who inspired Knicks in 1970 NBA Finals.

22.  2001 Heisman Trophy winner who’s a critically-acclaimed action film from China.

23.  Hockey player in Canadian capital city who’s a memorable line from Lloyd Bentsen.

24.  D.C. baseball player who’s a comedy set at Faber College.

25.  First Indiana Jones movie, about the 1994 NCAA basketball champions.

 

ANSWERS:

1.  Howard Dean Smith

2.  Siegfried and Roy Williams

3.  Orange Julius Peppers

4.  Sean May the Force Be With You

5.  Sister Christian Laettner

6.  J.D. Drew Rosenhaus

7.  Walk-off Homer Simpson

8.  Jeff Kent Brockman

9.  Colin Montgomerie Burns

10.  Groundskeeper Willie Mays

11.  Jeff Bagwell Isn’t That Special?

12.  Billie Jean King of Queens

13.  Jevon Kearse of the Bambino

14.  Jerry West Side Story

15.  Colorado Rockie IV

16.  Gordie Howe You Doin’?

17.  Ahman Green Eggs and Ham

18.  Larry Walker, Texas Ranger

19.  Sleepless in Seattle Slew

20.  Eye of the Tiger Woods

21.  Watchu Talkin’ Bout, Willis Reed?

22.  Eric Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

23.  Ottawa Senator, You’re No Jack Kennedy

24.  Washington National Lampoon’s Animal House

25.  Raiders of the Lost Arkansas Razorbacks

Franco & Francoeur

This being August, there’s one thing that’s certain in the sports world: the Braves are leading the National League East.  But this year has been a bit different from most.  While familiar names like Andruw Jones and John Smoltz have excelled, the big story has been the performance of the kiddie brigade.  Due to injuries, the Braves have used as many rookies as there are Peachtree streets in Atlanta.  They’re so young, they could have been invited to play in Williamsport this week (reportedly the Royals are still hoping for such an offer).

 

Foremost among these youngsters is 21 year-old outfielder Jeff Francoeur.  Seemingly every time I flip over to a Braves game and he’s at the plate, he drives in a run.  I mean, every time!  And the guy never even appeared in a major league game until July 7.  Now he’s the toast of Atlanta, although he’s barely old enough to be toasted in Atlanta.

 

However, it hasn’t all been “out with the old, in with the new” with the Braves.  Major leaguers don’t get older than Julio Franco, who turns 47 on Tuesday.  Rumors that Franco came up to the big leagues with the St. Louis Browns are simply untrue – but not by much.  Making his major league debut in 1982 with the Phillies, Franco was a teammate of Pete Rose, who was the National League Rookie of the Year while JFK was in office.

 

The one major similarity between these two is their last names.  Indeed, Franco could have many opportunities to pull pranks by posing as Francoeur, using a bad Pepe Le Pew French accent.  Otherwise, they make for an odd couple in the Atlanta dugout.  Especially when you compare the chronology of their careers.

 

1978:

Franco:  Signed by the Phillies as an amateur free agent.

Francoeur:  Six years from being born.

 

1982:

Franco:  Makes major league debut, getting 29 at-bats with Philadelphia.  Traded after the season, along with four other players, to Cleveland for Von Hayes.  The mere mention of Von Hayes’s name elicits boos from any Phillies fan reading this blog.

Francoeur:  Nope, still not born yet.

 

1983:

Franco:  Enters Indians’ starting lineup, where he’ll remain for six seasons.

Francoeur:  Still waiting on that birth thing.

 

1984:

Franco:  Leads American League with 658 at-bats.

Francoeur:  Born on January 8.  Spends much of year sleeping, crying, and pooping.

 

1989:

Franco:  Makes first major league All-Star Game appearance for new team, Texas Rangers.

Francoeur:  Considered future clubhouse leader in “plays well with others” comment from kindergarten teacher.

 

1990:

Franco:  Named MVP of major league All-Star Game.

Francoeur:  Dominates first grade class in “Duck-Duck-Goose” games.

 

1991:

Franco:  Wins American League batting title with .341 average.

Francoeur:  Wins numerous gold stars due to multiplication skills.

 

1996:

Franco:  Makes first appearance in post-season as Indians lose to Orioles in Division Series.

Francoeur:  Makes first appearance at middle school dance.  Claims to be too cool for the Macarena but secretly wishes he could do it.

 

2001:

Franco:  Signs with Braves, remaining on the team through the present.

Francoeur:  Roots for Franco while attending Parkview High School in suburban Atlanta.

 

Now their careers have converged in the Braves dugout, separated by 26 years but united in their admiration for Leo Mazzone’s rock-a-thons.  And it’s another hot August in Atlanta.

Bryan's Song

If you watch Sportscenter regularly, you’re familiar with its “50 States in 50 Days” segment currently being featured.  So you’ve heard – over and over again – the “Life is an open road…” song by Bryan Adams that introduces it each day.  Because any tribute to the good ‘ol USA must include a cheesy pop singer from Canada.  I can’t get the damn song out of my head, and there aren’t many worse things in life than having Bryan Adams stuck in your brain.

 

But since I’m the “when life gives you lemons…” type, I’ll put Mr. Adams to good use in this column.  It turns out that many of his songs provide analysis of Los Angeles-area sports.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s a rundown:

 

Everything I Do I Do It For You:  Jerry Buss appeases Kobe Bryant by letting go of Shaq and Phil Jackson.

 

Heat of the Night:  An update from Shaq’s new employer.

 

Heaven:  Bryan’s proposed name for the stadium in Anaheim, because Angels play there.

 

Summer of ‘69:  Lew Alcindor departs UCLA after three consecutive NCAA championships.  The program suffers immensely, only winning 5 of the next 6 national titles.

 

Can’t Stop This Thing We Started:  The Clippers continue their never-ending streak of NBA lottery appearances.

 

Run To You:  What Reggie Bush and LenDale White will be doing to the end zone often for USC this fall.

 

Please Forgive Me:  What Kings and Mighty Ducks players will be saying to disgruntled hockey fans.

 

Cuts Like a Knife:  A profile of O.J. Simpson.

 

Somebody:  A plea for SOMEBODY, ANYBODY in the National League West to win a game.

 

Do I Have To Say the Words?:  Disbelieving sportscasters ask, “Am I really supposed to say, ‘The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim?’”

 

Hope you enjoyed your lemonade!

Oh, To Be A Phil

This weekend was a great time for Phils in sports.  Phil Mickelson won his second major title with his victory at the PGA Championship.  The Phightin’ Phils swept the Padres in San Diego to draw to within 1/2 game of the NL wild card lead.  And rumor has it, Dr. Phil was unstoppable at the foosball table.

 

The lasting image of Mickelson’s triumph will be that of his two-year-old son Evan, running gleefully around the 18th green.  One can only hope that Evan gets a play date with Jack Roberts, who was a dancing machine as his father John Roberts was introduced as a Supreme Court nominee.  While not quite as youthful as Evan Mickelson, Chase Utley is a youngster who has delighted Phillies fans with his energy on the field.  His name sounds like an action movie in the realm of “Kill Bill” or “Get Carter.”  If Steve McQueen were alive today, he’d likely be starring in “Chase Utley.”

 

Mickelson, a/k/a Lefty, won the tournament after pitching his third shot to within three feet of the hole on the Par-5 18th.  Coincidentally, the best pitcher in Phillies history was also called Lefty.  The greatest victory for both Mickelson (2004 Masters) and the Phillies (1980 World Series) involved Green – Jacket for Mickelson, Dallas for the Phillies.  And Mickelson often plays with a big smile on his face – the same look the Phillies had when hard-nosed manager Larry Bowa was fired.

 

One difference between these Phils was shown by Philadelphia’s June trade with Detroit, in which the Phillies received Ugueth Urbina and Ramon Martinez for Placido Polanco.  Mickelson, of course, prefers not to deal with Tigers.  Incidentally, you can easily substitute “Ugueth Urbina” for “Who Can It Be Now” in the Men At Work song of that name.  Go ahead, sing it: “U-gueth Ur-BEEEE-na!” (Make saxophone noises).  It should also be noted that tied for second in the PGA behind Mickelson was Steve Elkington, from the land Down Under.  I could continue with Men At Work song titles, but that would just be Overkill.

 

Unfortunately for Phil Jackson, it’s still the offseason.

It's All About T.O.

Terrell Owens has always been Terrific on Offense, even to those who consider him Totally Obnoxious.  He is both Talented and Outrageous in the Talkative, Outspoken mold of John McEnroe (once married to Tatum O’Neal).  Perhaps he felt something to prove as he entered the league from Tennessee-Chattanooga, Overlooked by major college programs.  He scored Touchdowns Often with the 49ers, but the Sharpie incident was Thoroughly Over-the-top.  While his play was Thrilling and Outstanding, his Tempestuous Orations drove teammates and management to drink Tequila and Ouzo.  So San Francisco Tired Of him, and he was Traded Out to Philadelphia.

 

The Eagles, a Tremendous Organization, hoped he would help them Triumph Over the rest of the NFL.  He delivered immediately, reaching the end zone on Three Occasions in the opener as the fans gave him a Thunderous Ovation.  While he gave the Eagles a Tremendous Opportunity to win the NFC, he continued to be Theatrically Oriented.  He Tore Off banners in Cleveland and helped Nicollette Sheridan Towel Off on Monday Night Football.  But a Terrible Obstacle arose as his fibula was fractured after being Tackled Outside by Roy Williams (not the Title-winning, Old school UNC coach, just to clarify).  A return, even in the postseason, was Thought Out of the question.

 

But he remained Tenaciously Optimistic and Treated Obstacles with disdain.  Against Titanic Odds, he returned to play in the Televised Orgy of commercialism known as the Super Bowl and practically Took Over.  Unfortunately, the Eagles came up just short, the Trophy Out of reach.  But his Toughness?  Overlooked by no one, even his harshest critics.

 

However, the True Outpouring of love Turned Out to be a Temporary Offering.  He Talked Openly of renegotiating his seven-year contract after one season, causing a Talk radio Outcry.  Some observers noted that NFL contracts are Truly One-sided toward management, but most fans viewed his actions as a Treasonous Offense.  He Taunted Ownership by Threatening Out of camp before ultimately showing up to Training On-time.  But he showed himself to be anything but Team Oriented, and his selfish attitude was Tiresome and Offensive to Andy Reid.  So he was Tossed Out of camp for a week.  Interviewed by the media, he acted like a Toddler Outside his house.

 

It remains to be seen how everything will Turn Out.  But one thing is Totally Obvious: In his world, as in this Top-notch, Overwhelmingly brilliant column, it’s all about T.O.