Friday, December 30, 2005

Fearless Predictions For 2006

An eventful year in sports, 2005 is poised to join Lance Armstrong, Reggie Miller, and Mark Messier in exiting the stage. What does its successor have in store? Here's a look ahead.

USC will outscore Texas in a high-flying Rose Bowl. The game will be the most offensive display in prime time since "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance."

The Cincinnati Bengals will shock the sports world by winning the Super Bowl. After a Hail Mary reception to end the first half, Chad Johnson's touchdown celebration will also enable him to choreograph the halftime show.

In February, American sports fans will enjoy saying "luge" before dropping the word from their vocabulary for another four years.

Duke's J.J. Redick and Gonzaga's Adam Morrison will split the national player of the year awards. College basketball fans will wonder if African-Americans can still compete at the Division 1 level.

The Department of Defense will experience upheaval, as Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is replaced by Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith.

The Cleveland Cavaliers will insert all four of "The LeBrons" into the starting lineup.

Villanova will inspire memories of 1985 as it captures the NCAA basketball championship. However, Philadelphia will not hold a parade, as no one in the city remembers how to stage a victory celebration.

Dozens of major leaguers will fail drug tests, shortly after Pizza Hut introduces its Steroid Lover's Pizza.

Augusta National will be abuzz as Tiger Woods wins his fifth Masters championship. Some club members will be offended when he admits that his other four green jackets are littered with Guinness stains from St. Patrick's Day celebrations.

Former President Carter will earn his second Nobel Peace Prize by facilitating an accord between Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb.

Canadians will rejoice as Ottawa becomes their first Stanley Cup champion in 13 years. Americans will be stunned to see a group of Senators working together and accomplishing something.

Rafael Palmeiro will claim he has never intentionally eaten at Pizza Hut.

The Detroit Pistons will defeat the San Antonio Spurs in an NBA Finals rematch. Commissioner David Stern will describe each team as "hard-nosed," "the epitome of team play," and "a marketing disaster."

Hawaii's Michelle Wie will capture the U.S. Women's Open at age 16. President Bush will praise her but admit privately, "I'd rather see an American win."

In June and July, American sports fans will watch soccer before dropping the word from their vocabulary for another four years.

College football commentator Beano Cook will endorse a playoff system, as long as Penn State and Notre Dame play in the championship game every year.

Despite the absence of Lance Armstrong, interest in the Tour De France will surge due to surprise winner Danica Patrick.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays will shock the nation by advancing to the World Series. The one in Williamsport, where they lose in extra innings to kids from Japan.

The WTA will stage a new tennis tournament consisting entirely of hot Russian babes.

An NFL player will be suspended for only giving 107 percent. However, his team will regroup and make history by playing 'em two games at a time.

Before all that happens, you'll get to watch the ball drop on Saturday night. Because the Raiders will be playing.