Sunday's Race Renamed the Indy Jones 500

This Sunday brings the 92nd edition of the Indianapolis 500. In the U.S., NASCAR generally gets more attention than the IndyCar Series. However, the Indy Racing League has big plans for this year’s event, aligning the race with another Indy who will attract a huge audience this weekend. Sunday’s competition has officially been renamed the Indy Jones 500.


The rechristening of the race is in reference to this week’s release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The anticipated blockbuster promises to provide two hours of non-stop thrills. The Indy Jones 500 will last a bit longer, but it has already been dubbed “The Greatest Spectacle in Racing.” 2008 will represent the third consecutive year the race will have a clear cinematic link. Last year’s champion, Dario Franchitti, is married to Ashley Judd. And the 2006 edition, in a shocking upset, was won by Harry Potter. In honor of the movie connection, this year’s starting command will be, “Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines – and please turn off your cell phones.”


Numerous adjustments have been made to connect this year’s race with the film franchise. Instead of a Corvette, the pace car will now be a Mustang. Therefore, like Indiana Jones, the race will be represented by an old Ford. Rather than Rahal Letterman or Andretti Green, all drivers will be members of the Spielberg Lucas team. Additionally, the procedure to be followed after crashes will be radically different. Instead of the use of a caution flag, Steven Spielberg will yell, “Cut!” Rather than departing the race, the driver will then get to do another take.


The competitors will have plenty of direct connections to Indiana Jones. Their racing uniforms will include a fedora and a leather jacket. Also, every time they leave the pit area and return to the track, John Williams will conduct the Purdue University marching band in playing the triumphant Indiana Jones theme music. Additionally, as part of their pre-race routine, many of the racers will lecture university students about archaeology.


In typical editions of the Indy 500, meeting the wall at high speed is the greatest concern. However, the Indy Jones 500 will provide far more obstacles. The race will begin with the drivers fleeing a giant boulder. At other stages, they will be chased by Nazis. Occasionally, snakes will be thrown into their cars. On the bright side, competitors will be allowed to use a whip to fend off other drivers.


This year’s aftermath will also depart from the norm. Instead of the Borg Warner Trophy, the winner will be awarded the Ark of the Covenant. Because anyone who looks at it is destroyed, it is highly unlikely that next year’s race will have a repeat champion. Averting one’s gaze at the Ark may not even be enough, as the celebratory milk will likely be poisoned.


It remains to be seen who that champion will be. Scott Dixon was the fastest qualifier, and Dan Wheldon and Hélio Castroneves are also among the favorites. However, no one represents bigger box office than Danica Patrick. It’s entirely possible that the Indy Jones 500 could end with a female in the lead. With the phrase “female lead” connected to Indy Jones, there’s one particular key to success for Danica: Be like Karen Allen, NOT Kate Capshaw.

The All-Presidential Namesakes Sports List

As you may have heard once or twice, we’re in a presidential election year in the USA. With that in mind, and because sports fans love lists, I bring you the All-Presidential Namesakes Sports List.

In the order in which they served, I’ll list the surnames of every single U.S. president. For each entry, I’ll choose the all-time top sports figure who shares that name – whether it’s their first or last name. Middle names are acceptable only if they’re commonly mentioned when referring to that person. For example, Grover Cleveland Alexander qualifies, but Jack Roosevelt Robinson does not. Also, this list is targeted to American sports fans, so it’s entirely possible I omitted some amazing soccer player somewhere. Not that anyone here would notice.

Since there were two presidents named Adams, Harrison, Johnson, Roosevelt, and Bush, those names are each represented twice. Still, there were numerous legends named Johnson who didn’t make the cut, while names like Fillmore provided slim pickings. Projections were not made for this November, so there’s no Obama or McCain on the list. There is a Clinton, but just one. As with all political discussions, the list is sure to spark debate. So here we go!


1. Washington: Ted Washington. Maybe he’s not at “Father of Our Country” level, but the longtime defensive tackle has been to four Pro Bowls.

2. Adams: Flozell Adams. Another four-time Pro Bowler, the Cowboys offensive tackle will someday be portrayed by Paul Giamatti.

3. Jefferson: Richard Jefferson. President Jefferson was third in serving our country. Hoopster Jefferson served our country while finishing third at the 2004 Olympics.

4. Madison: Sam Madison. This Sam defends against wide receivers, like his Presidential namesake defended Uncle Sam against England in the War of 1812.

5. Monroe: Earl Monroe. Like the basketball Hall of Famer, James Monroe was called “The Pearl” by his Cabinet members.

6. Adams: Sam Adams. The three-time Pro Bowl defensive tackle is the son of a former NFL player. John Quincy Adams also took the same job as his dad.

7. Jackson: Phil Jackson. His 9 rings (maybe 10 soon) as head coach give him the edge over Reggie. Besides, Mr. October, presidential elections are won in November!

8. Van Buren: Steve Van Buren. The Eagles Hall of Fame running back was on the 1948 and 1949 NFL champs. However, the president failed to repeat, losing to William Henry Harrison in 1840.

9. Harrison: Marvin Harrison. William Henry Harrison died after a month in office. His death had nothing to do with gunfire outside a Philadelphia bar.

10. Tyler: Tyler Hansbrough. President Tyler’s political opponents often complained that he shot too many free throws.

11. Polk: DaShon Polk. No offense to the Texans linebacker, but I told you the pickings would be slim for some names.

12. Taylor: Lawrence Taylor. Conspiracy theorists will note that I’ve chosen two Tar Heels in the last three picks. But can you really complain about LT? It’s not like I picked James Taylor.

13. Fillmore: Greg Fillmore. He played in 49 games for the Knicks in the early 70’s. Yeah, I wish this president had been named Millard Gretzky.

14. Pierce: Paul Pierce. The Franklin Pierce administration is rated poorly by historians, because Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen never joined him.

15. Buchanan: Buck Buchanan. Unlike the only president never to marry, Buck had no fear of commitment, spending his entire Hall of Fame career with the Kansas City Chiefs.

16. Lincoln: Lincoln Kennedy. The former offensive lineman could fit the bill for two presidents.

17. Johnson: Magic Johnson. Even with all the Johnsons to choose from (that’s not meant to be dirty), this one is easy.

18. Grant: Grant Fuhr. In Edmonton, Grant’s Tomb was where potential goals went to die.

19. Hayes: Woody Hayes. This was a tough call over Elvin Hayes. But Rutherford B. Hayes was from Ohio, and he was nearly removed from office after punching a guy from Clemson.

20. Garfield: Garfield Heard. He’s best remembered for his shot against the Celtics. President Garfield is best remembered for getting shot.

21. Arthur: Arthur Ashe. Chester A. Arthur came to prominence in New York. By winning the 1968 U.S. Open, so did Ashe.

22 & 24. Cleveland: Grover Cleveland Alexander. He only struck out batters on non-consecutive occasions.

23. Harrison: Harrison Dillard. He’s the only male to win Olympic gold medals in both sprinting and hurdling events. For President Harrison, re-election was too big of a hurdle.

25. McKinley: Alvin McKinley. Outside the White House, President McKinley’s primary residence was Canton, Ohio. Alvin may be an NFL defensive tackle, but he’s not Canton-bound.

26. Roosevelt: Roosevelt Brown. Theodore is a giant on Mount Rushmore. A nine-time Pro Bowl offensive tackle, Brown enabled the Giants to rush more.

27. Taft: Chris Taft. William Taft is the only man to serve as both President of the U.S. and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Equally impressive, Chris Taft, uh… Well, he played 17 games for Golden State.

28. Wilson: Hack Wilson. Winning the Nobel Peace Prize is nice, but President Wilson never drove in 191 runs during a season.

29. Harding: Tonya Harding. Fittingly, she’s listed right after a guy named Hack.

30. Coolidge: Warren Coolidge. Sure, he’s a fictional character, but Warren Coolidge dominated for Carver High School on The White Shadow.

31. Hoover: Brad Hoover. The Panthers fullback deals with defenders much better than the president handled the Great Depression.

32. Roosevelt: Roosevelt (“Rosey”) Grier. FDR won four elections, and Grier was part of the Fearsome Foursome.

33. Truman: Christine Truman. She was the 1959 French Open champion. If Zsuzsi Kormoczi had won that finals match, I REALLY would have scrambled here.

34. Eisenhower: Eisenhower Tree. It’s a pine tree on the 17th hole at Augusta National. Hey, it’s not like I had lots of human options!

35. Kennedy: Walter Kennedy. He was the NBA commissioner during the 60’s and 70’s. These days, while the president does not have unlimited power, the NBA commissioner does.

36. Johnson: Jack Johnson. Magic has already been taken, so this one was brutal. With apologies to fans of great pitching, the legendary heavyweight champ gets the nod over Walter and Randy.

37. Nixon: Norm Nixon. Richard won two elections before the humiliation of the Watergate scandal. Norm won two NBA titles before the humiliation of being traded to the Clippers.

38. Ford: Whitey Ford. Still miffed about my snub of Walter and Randy Johnson? Okay, here’s a Hall of Fame pitcher. Are you happy now?

39. Carter: Gary Carter. His Cooperstown enshrinement gives him the nod over Joe. And not because I’m a Phillies fan. Well, maybe a little.

40. Reagan: Frank Reagan. He led the NFL in interceptions in 1947 – an effort worthy of The Gipper.

41. Bush: Reggie Bush. This one could have been tougher, since no one named Dukakis has won the Heisman.

42. Clinton: Clinton Portis. Both of them have been wacky at press conferences – Portis by wearing outlandish costumes and Bill by saying, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

43. Bush: Joe Bush. He went 26-7 for the Yankees in 1922. Particularly partisan Democrats will insist that Frank Gore belongs here.


I’m Jack Archey, and I approved this message.

NBA Investigating Alleged Road Victory

Last season, the San Antonio – Phoenix playoff series was marred by the suspensions of Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw for leaving the bench. This year, controversy has once again struck the second round of the NBA postseason. The league office is looking into allegations that the Detroit Pistons won Game 4 of their series with the Orlando Magic, despite playing on the road.


If true, that victory would be the only one for a visitor in the second round. Home teams are 14-0 in the other contests. According to a league insider, commissioner David Stern reached an agreement with the remaining participants that only home teams would win in the second round. Reportedly, Stern considered the arrangement to be fan-friendly, since witnessing a victory would boost the home fans’ enjoyment of games. Higher television ratings would also ensue, as every series would have a Game 7. The source indicated that the commissioner also wants the agreement in place for the conference finals, thereby guaranteeing a finals matchup between top seeds Boston and Los Angeles. The NBA official remarked that such a scenario had Stern “giggling like a schoolgirl.”


However, a report surfaced on Saturday that Detroit had left Orlando with a 90-89 victory. A 15-point third quarter lead, plus the absence of injured Piston Chauncey Billups, would seem to point to a win for the Magic. Nevertheless, the league office has reportedly received a tape which shows Tayshaun Prince making the game-winning basket for Detroit. Officials are unsure about the authenticity of the tape, since it only shows Dwight Howard scoring eight points in the entire contest. A second tape was reportedly discarded as irrelevant, because all it showed was a pre-Super Bowl walk-through by the St. Louis Rams.


No such controversy exists in the other series, in which the visitors have gone down to defeat every time. Some extraordinary circumstances have arisen amid the home dominance. The experienced, poised Spurs were pummeled in their two games at New Orleans. In Boston, the Celtics made LeBron James even less comfortable than he was hosting Saturday Night Live. And the Utah crowd mercilessly booed a guy who gave up millions in the interest of better care for his disease-stricken daughter. On the other hand, he does play for the Lakers.


If the NBA believes the Pistons’ violation to be true, there is no word on what the punishment will be. A simple remedy could be a Game 5 victory in Detroit for the Magic – the first time a make-up call would ever take place in the NBA. Reached for comment on potential sanctions, Rasheed Wallace remarked, “Being disciplined by the league office? I can’t imagine such an experience!” Then he hugged the reporters and took them out for pizza. Asked for his thoughts, another Piston responded, “I’ll say something, but only with half my face, if you can match it with half a face from the Magic. I love those commercials!”


The NBA is not the only league in which the home team is dominating these days. The visiting Sharks and Flyers are 0-for-4 in the NHL conference finals. However, that scenario is almost certainly not the result of an arrangement with commissioner Gary Bettman. He knows there’s no way he can boost ratings.

All About PA

It’s time for Playoff Action between Pennsylvania Adversaries! No, not baseball – the Phillies’ Ambitions include October, but the Pirates’ Awfulness continues. It’s the NHL Eastern Conference finals, as Pittsburgh Awaits Philadelphia’s Arrival on Friday night. While the Predators, Avalanche, and Phoenix, Arizona’s Coyotes Plan Ahead for next season, the Keystone Staters’ Postseason Aspirations involve claiming the Prize Anaheim Possesses, At least until next month.


The Steel City’s Proud Atlantic Division champs are led by Penguins Ace Sidney Crosby, who’s Predictably Admired for his Prodigious Assets. Not in a Pam Anderson way – I mean his Passing Ability and Points Accumulation skills. He’s a Phenom Akin to his owner, Mario Lemieux, and his Peer, Alexander Ovechkin. Besides Sid the Kid, Marian Hossa Provided Assistance in Putting Away the Rangers. A Positive Addition since departing Philips Arena, the Past Atlanta star’s game-winner ended the series.


As Flyers fans are Painfully Aware, their team hasn’t Paraded Around the Stanley Cup since the Broad Street Bullies’ Pugilistic Approach and Bernie Parent’s Amazing goaltending had William Penn Atop a Populace Adoring its champions. The Prospect, Alas of Partying Anew this spring seemed Positively Absurd last year, which was Pure Agony. But a Potent About-face has fans’ Passions Aroused. They especially Praised Alberta native Joffrey Lupul, whose Puck Accuracy in Game 7 versus Washington Propelled Ahead his team. Then they Pushed Around Montreal in 5 games.


Sure, the NHL needs more Press Attention. It doesn’t exactly Pull American Idol-type ratings, but who needs Paula Abdul? At least you’ll have Packed Attendance, if not Pop Anthems. You won’t find Pacifists Anywhere, so Penalty Assessments due to Players’ Aggression will lead to Power Play Advantages.


This series may not matter in Perth, Australia or even Lawrence, Kansas (land of Phog Allen). But the state that gave us Palmer, Arnold will Provide Antagonism worthy of Pat’s Against Geno’s. Indeed, much like this Profound Article, the Eastern Conference finals are all about PA.

Kentucky Derby Horses & Their Sports Inspirations

Churchill Downs is abuzz this week for the latest edition of the Kentucky Derby. The Run For The Roses may not be as popular among casual sports fans these days, but the 20-horse field should have especially broad appeal this year. Amazingly, the name of every entrant was inspired by something in the sports world. In order of Saturday’s post positions, here’s a rundown. Feel free to fix yourself a mint julep before proceeding.


1. Visionaire: Shaq answers two questions: “What is a synonym for sight?” and “What do your free throws hit?”

2. Big Truck: How the Big Hurt left Toronto.

3. Colonel John: Recovered from his 1974 surgery, Tommy John joins the ABA’s Kentucky Colonels.

4. Z Fortune: Carlos Zambrano discusses his contract.

5. Pyro: Someone who’s consistently responsible for things going up in flames. Also known as Isiah Thomas.

6. Eight Belles: What Roger Clemens takes home from a country music show.

7. Anak Nakal: Doubles partner of Rafael Nadal.

8. Court Vision: Tennis great Margaret visits her eye doctor.

9. Z Humor: Žydrūnas Ilgauskas pulls a locker room prank.

10. Monba: Kobe Bryant’s nickname in Jamaica.

11. Smooth Air: Michael Jordan reflects on his performance outside the front office.

12. Adriano: Usually seen as “Adrian O,” it’s what Peterson provides the Vikings.

13. Bob Jack Black: Colts’ Sanders is introduced to the School of Rock star.

14. Denis of Cork: One-third of a baseball cheating trio, along with Denis of Steroids and Denis of Sandpaper.

15. Cowboy Cal: Ripken signs with Dallas as he launches a bid to break Brett Favre’s record for consecutive starts.

16. Big Brown: Cleveland offensive tackle Joe Thomas.

17. Tale of Ekati: Ekati claims, “My trainer said it was flaxseed oil.”

18. Cool Coal Man: Replacing an injured Pat White, an anonymous coal miner leads West Virginia to the Big East title.

19. Recapturetheglory: Thecelticswintheir17thchampionship.

20. Gayego: What Rudy must sometimes subvert for the good of the Grizzlies.

Some Extra Mustard For Your Monday

For the second time this month, I'm featured in si.com's popular Extra Mustard section! My "Ten More Longs For The First Round" is one of today's Hot Clicks. Check out today's Extra Mustard for further details - if you ever get past the Houston Texans cheerleaders at the top. Thanks to Jimmy Traina and Extra Mustard!

Ten More Longs For The First Round

The NFL draft begins Saturday at 3:00pm Eastern time. The Miami Dolphins have already decided to make Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long the #1 overall pick. Soon to go after him, possibly as high as #2, will be Virginia defensive end Chris Long. Chris’s father Howie Long was taken in round two in 1981, but this year’s first round will be all about the Longs. Beyond Jake and Chris, look for these other Longs to be chosen in round one.


3. Atlanta Falcons: Nia Long. The Third Watch star goes third, and as in Big Momma’s House, she’ll be set in Georgia. To make her feel at home, the Falcons’ staff will wear wigs and fat suits.

6. New York Jets: Justin Long. The Mac pitchman should feel at home near the Big Apple.

7. New England Patriots: Shelley Long. Her glory days on Cheers were set in Boston. Coincidentally, most of those shows were secretly filmed on the opponent’s sideline.

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Amy Fisher (“Long Island Lolita”). She knows how to handle a gun, so it’s a perfect fit.

10. New Orleans Saints: Huey Long. The political legend from Louisiana has been dead since 1935. But his home state team has rarely shown much life, either.

12. Denver Broncos: Lionel Richie (“All Night Long”). The team led by Vanderbilt’s Jay Cutler picks another former leader of The Commodores.

13. Carolina Panthers: Jay Bilas. He has to be included in any draft in which the word “Long” is constantly used.

16. Arizona Cardinals: Long Duk Dong. The character from Sixteen Candles goes at #16. His habit of drunkenly falling out of trees drops him from the top 10.

21. Washington Redskins: Long Dong Silver. A porn star made famous during the Clarence Thomas confirmation process, he becomes a big name in DC once again.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Long John Silver. He was actually a Pirate, but this is a way better team to play for in Pittsburgh.