NBA Investigating Alleged Road Victory

Last season, the San Antonio – Phoenix playoff series was marred by the suspensions of Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw for leaving the bench. This year, controversy has once again struck the second round of the NBA postseason. The league office is looking into allegations that the Detroit Pistons won Game 4 of their series with the Orlando Magic, despite playing on the road.


If true, that victory would be the only one for a visitor in the second round. Home teams are 14-0 in the other contests. According to a league insider, commissioner David Stern reached an agreement with the remaining participants that only home teams would win in the second round. Reportedly, Stern considered the arrangement to be fan-friendly, since witnessing a victory would boost the home fans’ enjoyment of games. Higher television ratings would also ensue, as every series would have a Game 7. The source indicated that the commissioner also wants the agreement in place for the conference finals, thereby guaranteeing a finals matchup between top seeds Boston and Los Angeles. The NBA official remarked that such a scenario had Stern “giggling like a schoolgirl.”


However, a report surfaced on Saturday that Detroit had left Orlando with a 90-89 victory. A 15-point third quarter lead, plus the absence of injured Piston Chauncey Billups, would seem to point to a win for the Magic. Nevertheless, the league office has reportedly received a tape which shows Tayshaun Prince making the game-winning basket for Detroit. Officials are unsure about the authenticity of the tape, since it only shows Dwight Howard scoring eight points in the entire contest. A second tape was reportedly discarded as irrelevant, because all it showed was a pre-Super Bowl walk-through by the St. Louis Rams.


No such controversy exists in the other series, in which the visitors have gone down to defeat every time. Some extraordinary circumstances have arisen amid the home dominance. The experienced, poised Spurs were pummeled in their two games at New Orleans. In Boston, the Celtics made LeBron James even less comfortable than he was hosting Saturday Night Live. And the Utah crowd mercilessly booed a guy who gave up millions in the interest of better care for his disease-stricken daughter. On the other hand, he does play for the Lakers.


If the NBA believes the Pistons’ violation to be true, there is no word on what the punishment will be. A simple remedy could be a Game 5 victory in Detroit for the Magic – the first time a make-up call would ever take place in the NBA. Reached for comment on potential sanctions, Rasheed Wallace remarked, “Being disciplined by the league office? I can’t imagine such an experience!” Then he hugged the reporters and took them out for pizza. Asked for his thoughts, another Piston responded, “I’ll say something, but only with half my face, if you can match it with half a face from the Magic. I love those commercials!”


The NBA is not the only league in which the home team is dominating these days. The visiting Sharks and Flyers are 0-for-4 in the NHL conference finals. However, that scenario is almost certainly not the result of an arrangement with commissioner Gary Bettman. He knows there’s no way he can boost ratings.

More Superhero Dunks for Howard

Saturday night, Orlando’s Dwight Howard dazzled the All-Star crowd in New Orleans by winning the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. In the most enduring image, Howard donned a Superman costume and threw one down with cape in tow. Some may wonder what the Magic big man can do for an encore if he chooses to defend his title in Phoenix next year. Clearly the Superman theme worked for Howard this year, so he should expand his repertoire to include other superheroes. Here are some possibilities, in alphabetical order.


Aquaman: With the court at US Airways Center completely underwater, Howard swims from one basket to another and emerges to throw down a thunderous slam.

Batman: Howard dunks after jumping over a rookie teammate forced to dress as Robin. In his front-row seat, Jack Nicholson laughs maniacally as The Joker.

Blade: Howard kills a vampire before every dunk. Then, continuing the Wesley Snipes theme, he hustles his competitors with the help of Woody Harrelson.

Captain America: Each dunk has Howard slamming over Yao Ming, Dirk Nowitzki, or another foreign-born All-Star.

Flash: Using superhuman speed, Howard dunks 300 times within the span of a minute. An added bonus: if he actually misses a few, the judges will never notice.

Ghost Rider: Howard takes off on a fiery motorcycle and throws down a slam. In a tribute to the Fonz, Howard’s motorcycle jump goes over Jerry Tarkanian.

Green Lantern: Instead of going to the basket, Howard uses his power ring to bring the basket to him. The dunking part’s easy after that.

Hulk: Howard turns green, busts out of his shirt in a rage, slams the ball through the hoop, and hurls the basket at the front row of spectators.

Iron Man: Howard throws one down while wearing a suit of armor. Michael Jordan often had to use this tactic when he played against the Knicks.

Plastic Man: With his ridiculously long reach, Howard dunks from the three-point line, simultaneously winning the Slam Dunk Contest and the Three-Point Shootout.

Spider-Man: Howard spins a web to the roof, swings his way to a ferocious dunk, and kisses Kirsten Dunst while hanging upside-down.

Storm: After creating a tornado in the arena, Howard slams through the turbulent conditions. He still keeps the arena dry, since commissioner David Stern has issued a strict edict against “making it rain” during All-Star Weekend.

Wolverine: The dunk-a-thon for Howard continues, even though he repeatedly punctures the ball with his razor-sharp claws.

Wonder Woman: Howard transforms into a hot woman, jumps from his invisible jet to throw down a slam, and reels in his competitors with a lasso.

A Billy Donovan Guide To TV Characters

From 1978 to 1981, The White Shadow brought coach Ken Reeves into the homes of viewers. Over the past few days, another basketball coach has been the center of a widely viewed drama. While the parties involved are still working out the resolution, it appears certain that Billy Donovan will return to the University of Florida after signing a contract with the Orlando Magic. Donovan may have a link to Ken Howard, but he won’t be connected to Dwight Howard. Besides the Carver High School coach, here are some other TV characters with relevance to Donovan’s career.


George Costanza: George once quit his job, then reconsidered and went back to work like it never happened.

Hayden Fox: The title character in Coach won a national championship before bolting for a pro job in Orlando. His Orlando gig also was soon cancelled.

Eddie Munster: Opposing fans have pointed out the resemblance.

Homer Simpson: If he keeps UF among the elite, Donovan will wind up in Springfield.

Gilligan: Billy’s Orlando experience was the opposite of the Little Buddy’s expedition. After expecting many years, he wound up with a three-hour tour.

Mimi Bobeck: On the Cleveland-set Drew Carey Show, she was Drew’s arch-enemy. Donovan is also a nemesis in Ohio.

Ernie Pantusso: Like Sam Malone’s pal, Donovan decided to stay as Coach “where everybody knows your name.”

Lucy Ricardo: As a Pitino disciple, Billy also looks to Ricky for guidance.

MacGyver: Donovan is using any available resources (i.e. lawyers) to escape from his predicament.

The Fonz: Jerry Tarkanian won one national championship at UNLV. With his second title, Donovan jumped the Shark.

Stella Bonasera: That’s the CSI: New York character played by Melina Kanakaredes. Like Donovan, Kanakaredes was once the star of Providence.

George Jefferson: Billy was also movin’on up, until he decided to break the lease on the deluxe apartment in the sky.

Toonces: As Kentucky fans would attest, Cats are consistently in peril around Donovan.

Laverne De Fazio & Shirley Feeney: They made their dreams come true at the Shotz Brewery. Donovan made his dreams come true thanks to shots from Brewer.

Jim Halpert: Whether it’s Orlando/Gainesville or Pam/Karen, neither guy can make up his mind.

Doogie Howser: Donovan was much younger than his peers (28) when he became a college head coach.

Cliff Huxtable: He was played by another Bill who was #1 on multiple occasions.

Marcia Brady: Orlando was jilted after “something suddenly came up.”

John Carter: The ER doctor, played by Noah Wyle, was an associate of Mark Green. Donovan was also connected to Noah and Green.

Kevin Arnold: In Gainesville, 2006 and 2007 have been The Wonder Years.

Mary Richards: Billy’s saga brought stress to Anthony Grant, just as Mary did to Lou Grant.

Sonny Crockett: Donovan is at home with the Florida Gators, whereas Crockett kept a gator in his Florida home.

Frasier Crane: Like Billy, he was wealthy and tended to over-analyze his decisions.

Rerun: That’s what UCLA fans thought they were watching at the Final Four.

Bobby Ewing: Maybe the contract signing was all just a dream.

Howards' End

The legendary Howard Cosell was known for “telling it like it is.” If he were alive today, Cosell would have some harsh words regarding his namesakes in the American sports world. Right now, it’s a tough time to be a Howard.


That statement has been particularly true in the NBA playoffs. The first team eliminated was the Orlando Magic, led by Dwight Howard. Orlando was given little chance against the top-seeded Detroit Pistons, but Magic fans had to be disappointed in getting swept. While Howard provides hope for the future, the franchise has not won a playoff series since Shaquille O’Neal left for Los Angeles in 1996. Besides Shaq’s departure, the drought most likely resulted because God is punishing Orlando for pushing boy bands onto the world.


Apparently, the secret to victory by a #8 seed was to have a Howard in the opponent’s starting lineup. Even with Josh Howard averaging over 20 points, the Dallas Mavericks were stunned by the Golden State Warriors in six games. On the bright side for Howard, the name most associated with this loss was a bit more German-sounding. Although he will almost certainly win the MVP award, Dirk Nowitzki will face ongoing “can’t win the big one” scrutiny. After his 2-for-13 performance in Game 6, MVP stands for “Making Vacation Plans.”


The Mavericks weren’t the only Texas team to be undone by the Howard affliction. Despite playing at home for game 7, the Houston Rockets fell 103-99 to the Utah Jazz, ending the season of Juwan Howard. The headlines are about Tracy McGrady’s playoff defeats, but Juwan’s demise means a clean sweep of the NBA Howards. League officials are fortunate that David Stern is in charge, rather than Howard Stern.


The Howard effect is not limited to the basketball court. 2006 National League MVP Ryan Howard is currently batting .198 as his Philadelphia Phillies head into tonight’s series-ender with the San Francisco Giants. Last year he slugged 58 home runs, but now he’s living below the Mendoza Line. His cold stretch has led to something unbelievable in San Francisco this weekend. He’s a huge, left-handed home run champ, but no one thinks he’s on steroids.


Considering the struggles of Howards, you might think the Detroit Red Wings tempted fate by recalling goaltender Jimmy Howard on Thursday. However, the Red Wings already have future Hall of Famer Dominik Hašek in net, backed up by Chris Osgood. Hašek is a two-time Hart Trophy winner as the league MVP. Still, he has never been more valuable than he is now, because his presence keeps a Howard out of action.


NFL teams surely have taken note of the Howard effect. In last week’s draft, not one player named Howard was chosen throughout the seven rounds. Even Green Bay was scared, despite capturing Super Bowl XXXI thanks to Desmond Howard. Additionally, just to be safe, no team drafted a player from Howard University. If Brady Quinn had been named Brady Howard, he might still be sitting in Radio City Music Hall.


The Howard struggles do not seem to be in effect outside the American sports world. Goaltender Tim Howard was victorious Saturday, as his Everton club defeated Portsmouth 3-0 in an important English Premier League match. Also, Spider-Man 3 is on its way to a runaway box office triumph, despite the presence of Bryce Dallas Howard. In addition to nullifying the Howard effect, the film provides the weekend’s only opportunity to put “triumph” and “Dallas” in the same sentence.


As for the Howards in American sports, perhaps Ryan can soon turn things around. As another Howard (Jones) once sang, “Things can only get better.” If they don’t soon, Ryan Howard may echo Network character Howard Beale: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

Darko Era Ends in Detroit

For Detroit Pistons fans, February 14, 2006 will not be remembered for romance.  Instead, this Valentine’s Day will be recalled as the end of an era.  On that night, Pistons supporters had their last glimpse of Darko Milicic in a Detroit uniform.

 

 

Milicic has been traded to the Orlando Magic, along with point guard Carlos Arroyo, for center Kelvin Cato and a future first-round draft pick.  The move is stunning, considering how successful Detroit has been since drafting the Serbia & Montenegro native.  The Pistons have an NBA-best 42-9 record heading into the All-Star break.  Last season they took San Antonio to game 7 before falling in the finals.  And two years ago, with the rookie Darko having a front-row seat for the action, Detroit downed the Los Angeles Lakers to capture the NBA title.  Head coach Larry Brown could not win a title with Allen Iverson, Reggie Miller, or David Robinson.  However, his first season with Milicic resulted in a ring.

 

 

Darko’s impact was not unlike that of Magic Johnson, whose Lakers won the championship in his rookie season.  Yes, Magic had 42 points and 15 rebounds in a legendary title-clinching performance in game 6 of the 1980 finals.  However, Milicic’s Pistons wrapped up the title in five games, depriving him of the opportunity for a transcendent game 6 effort in 2004.  The fact that Darko scored just one point during the entire 2004 playoffs may lead skeptics to claim that he could not have gone for 42 in game 6.  Sadly, we will never know.

 

 

As basketball fans know, Milicic was the second overall pick in the star-studded 2003 NBA draft.  LeBron James went first, with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade going after Darko.  The other four members of the quintet have far gaudier statistics than Milicic.  However, James, Anthony, and Bosh have yet to win a playoff series.  In last season’s eastern finals, Darko’s Pistons outlasted Wade’s Heat in seven games.  If victories are the ultimate measure of success, Milicic is the runaway winner from the 2003 draft.

 

 

Darko may have a kindred spirit in offensive lineman Tony Mandarich, who was the second player chosen in the 1989 NFL draft.  Mandarich followed Troy Aikman, with Barry Sanders, Derrick Thomas, and Deion Sanders completing the top five.  Of the five teams who chose those players, Mandarich’s Packers had the best season in 1989 with a 10-6 campaign.  They finished the year with a 20-10 victory over Aikman’s Cowboys.  Humiliated by a 1-15 season, Dallas rued the day it passed over Tony Mandarich to select Troy Aikman.  Every year as the NFL draft arrives, Mandarich is fondly remembered with these words of praise: “As far as busts go, he wasn’t as bad as Ryan Leaf.”

 

 

In addition to his winning ways, Milicic has also been notable for his consistency.  In 2003-04, he averaged 1.4 points and 1.3 rebounds per game.  The next season, it was 1.8 points and 1.2 rebounds.  So far this season, Darko has contributed 1.5 points and 1.1 rebounds per game.  In contrast, LeBron can be all over the board.  James tallied an impressive 51 points at Utah on January 21, but the previous night he had just 14 against Golden State.  With Milicic, you know what you’re getting – you don’t have to worry about 37-point swings.

 

 

What the Pistons were getting in 2006 was near-perfection.  Darko’s three-point miss on Tuesday night was his first misfire from the field since December 17, having shot 7-for-7 in games since then.  Additionally, Milicic has not missed from the line since December 2 – coincidentally, the last time he had a free throw attempt.  Apparently Detroit panicked after Darko’s miss on Tuesday – dealing him away after finally seeing a chink in his armor.

 

 

It remains to be seen whether the Pistons can continue their success without such a huge presence buried on their bench.  Head coach Flip Saunders only has four current All-Stars at his disposal in Chauncey Billups, Richard Hamilton, Ben Wallace, and Rasheed Wallace.  If their efforts fall short of a championship, Detroit’s president of basketball operations Joe Dumars will be haunted by this image: Darko Milicic sitting in his Orlando Magic warm-ups.