Chalmers & Other Marios

Thanks to the biggest three-pointer of his life, Kansas guard Mario Chalmers is on top of the sports world today. Chalmers sent the NCAA championship game into overtime against Memphis, with his Jayhawks ultimately prevailing 75-68. The “Super Mario” label is both obvious and fitting in this situation. How does Chalmers compare to other famous Marios? Let’s take a look.


Mario Lopez: Slater on Saved By the Bell.
Mario Chalmers: Jayhawks’ savior before the buzzer.

Mario Elie: Won a championship with San Antonio in 1999.
Mario Chalmers: Won a championship in San Antonio in 2008.

Mario Chalmers: Shoots the ball into the net and gets steals.
Mario Lemieux: Shot the puck into the net in the Steel City.

Mario Mendoza: Mendoza Line inspiration who knew all about futility.
Mario Chalmers: Cousin Lionel knew all about futility, playing for the Clippers.

Mario Lavandeira (aka Perez Hilton): Preys on celebrities’ self-esteem.
Mario Chalmers: Praised and esteemed by Bill Self.

Mario Chalmers: Cold-blooded shooter at the end of regulation.
Mario Puzo: Godfather author who wrote about cold-blooded shooters.

Mario (the singer): Competitor on this season’s Dancing With the Stars.
Mario Chalmers: Star competitor in this season’s Big Dance.

Mario Batali: Food Network chef who thrives with spices.
Mario Chalmers: KU guard who survived against Curry.

Mario Lanza: Famous tenor of the 50’s whose singing lives on.
Mario Chalmers: Thanks to One Shining Moment, heroics will live on in song.

Mario Chalmers: Rallied late to be #1 over Memphis.
Mario Williams: Rallied late to be #1 over Reggie Bush.

Mario Ančić: As last man to beat Federer at Wimbledon, disrupted with his racquet.
Mario Chalmers: Disrupted lots of brackets.

Mario Chalmers: Plays on the same team as Brandon Rush.
Mario Cuomo: Liberal icon who’s never on the same side as Rush.

Mario Andretti: Was known for his fast driving.
Mario Chalmers: More known for his shooting than his driving. Especially now.

Memphis vs. Kansas: An NCAA Championship Breakdown

After surprisingly lopsided semifinal victories, Memphis and Kansas will square off for the NCAA men’s basketball championship on Monday night. The Jayhawks are seeking their first national championship since 1988, while the Tigers look to claim the first NCAA title in school history. For an insightful analysis of the respective rosters, well, you’re in the wrong place. As for my breakdown, here we go:


Mascots: A Jayhawk is a mythical creature, but a Tiger is real and can rip you to shreds. The one similarity? Tigers and Jayhawks have both recently inflicted damage on someone named Roy. Advantage: Memphis.

Past NBA Stars: Penny Hardaway had moments of greatness after his college career at Memphis. But no one could score like KU’s Wilt Chamberlain. He was a great hoops player too. Advantage: Kansas.

Jim Nantz: Whether it’s Augusta or San Antonio, it’s natural for him to proclaim “a Tiger championship” in early April. Advantage: Memphis.

Republican Presidential Candidates: Bob Dole, who attended KU, was waxed like a 16-seed in the 1996 election. But unlike Memphis alum Fred Thompson, at least he got the nomination. Advantage: Kansas.

FedEx: Memphis plays its home games at the FedEx Forum and won the Conference USA tournament there. On the other hand, Kansas won the FedEx Orange Bowl against actual competition. Advantage: Kansas.

School Mottos: U of M’s appropriately succinct motto is translated as “Dreamers. Thinkers. Doers.” KU’s is translated as, “I will see this great vision in which the bush does not burn.” Commenting on whoever came up with that motto, John Kerry remarked, “Man, that guy was long-winded!” Advantage: Memphis.

City Landmarks: Allen Fieldhouse is a basketball treasure, but unlike Graceland, it doesn’t display sequined jumpsuits worn by Elvis. Advantage: Memphis.

Fab Five: The last time a team with a starting point guard named Rose was in the finals, Jalen lost two straight championship games. At least Derrick will only have one opportunity. Advantage: Kansas.

Major League Baseball: There are no Hawks in the Majors, but the Jays are 4-2. Meanwhile, the Tigers are still winless. Advantage: Kansas.

Mathematics: According to Wikipedia, U of M’s mathematics department has more Erdos number 1 mathematicians than any other research institution in the world. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds impressive, and it mentions “number 1.” Advantage: Memphis.

Jacque Vaughn: The former KU point guard won a ring with the Spurs last year. So Jayhawks know how to win championships in San Antonio. Advantage: Kansas.

Coaches’ Names: “Calipari” sounds like a fried seafood appetizer. But “Self” is a lousy name for someone who wants to promote teamwork. Advantage: Memphis.

Classic Rock: One team is named Kansas, with a star named Rush. And “Rock” is part of its famous chant. The other has CDR, but not CCR. Advantage: Kansas.

Mayors: Lawrence’s mayor is Sue Hack, whose last name suggests foul trouble. W.W. Herenton is the mayor of Memphis, and the whole point of this weekend in San Antonio is to string two W’s together. Advantage: Memphis.

I Love the 80’s: Memphis last made the Final Four in 1985, when it was still Memphis State. But Danny Manning led the Jayhawks all the way in 1988. Back then, a Manning could win a title and NOT be in a zillion commercials. Advantage: Kansas.


Tallying up the results, it’s Kansas 8, Memphis 7. So Monday night, it will be a Rock Chalk Jayhawk Riverwalk.

Ones' Shining Moment

Despite a valiant effort by Davidson, next weekend’s Final Four is only open to the Goliaths. North Carolina, Memphis, UCLA, and Kansas will be part of the first Final Four comprised entirely of #1 seeds. At times the pace will be as fast as Formula One, but the basketball will be far more disciplined than AND1. Clearly the number one will be predominant in San Antonio. In honor of the occasion, here’s a look at the many ways in which “One/1” relates to this Final Four.


Point awarded for making a free throw, which Memphis actually can do.

Three Dog Night song noted for the line “One is the loneliest number.” Obviously they didn’t foresee this Final Four.

Years Derrick Rose and Kevin Love will spend in college. Despite references to Love and a Rose, the previous sentence was not meant to be romantic.

2001 film (The One) starring Jet Li, featuring nearly as much action as Saturday’s Kansas-North Carolina semifinal.

UCLA titles since John Wooden retired in 1975. That trophy was claimed in 1995 by Jim Harrick, who is eager to re-enter the ranks of crooked coaches.

Jersey number of Marcus Ginyard for North Carolina and Willie Kemp for Memphis. So even if they lose this weekend, they can still claim to be number one.

U2 hit song from the early 90s, back when Roy Williams was coaching the Jayhawks AGAINST the Tar Heels in Final Fours.

Losses for Memphis this season – a February defeat to Tennessee. The Tigers did slightly better against the other UT on Sunday.

Shots missed, out of 22, by Bill Walton in the biggest UCLA-Memphis game of all time – the 1973 NCAA Championship. Commenting from the future, broadcaster Bill Walton remarked, “What a HORRIBLE miss!”

Name of a global campaign to fight poverty. These teams will do their part by producing rich NBA players.

Players on these squads with a national championship ring (Quentin Thomas). So Quentin Thomas could become the first UNC player ever to win two national titles. That’s right, I said Quentin Thomas.

Moniker (“The One”) for Neo in The Matrix. Expect Saturday’s coaches to wear dark sunglasses to go with their suits.

Members of Conference USA who made the NCAA Tournament, meaning that Conference USA is undefeated in the Big Dance.

Signature tune from the Broadway smash A Chorus Line. This week, Broadway will feature college hoops’ number one from 2006 and 2007, as the Gators try to be #66 in 2008.

Number symbolized by those big foam fingers, which were developed in response to lackluster sales of “We’re number 3” foam products.

Previous Final Fours for John Calipari, as well as the number of press conferences in which an opposing coach threatened to kill him.

Hit single recorded by Metallica in the spring of 1988. Kansas fans appreciate any reference to the spring of 1988.

Numeric designation for point guard, as well as the round in which Derrick Rose, Darren Collison, and Ty Lawson will be drafted in June.

Atomic number of hydrogen. In honor of the student-athletes, I figured I’d put something educational in here.

Combined NCAA championships for the four coaches (Williams in 2005). I’ll go out on a limb and say that they’ll combine for another by next Monday night.

Name of a compilation album for The Beatles. Like John, Paul, George, and Ringo, this weekend’s participants comprise a Fab Four.

Games these teams will play at a time, assuming they know their clichés.

Division in which these teams play. Thankfully, the phrase “Bowl Subdivision” doesn’t apply to hoops.

Quick Hits On the Sweet 16

After an entertaining four days of the NCAA Tournament, we’re down to the Sweet 16. Here are some quick hits on the 16 who remain.


EAST:

North Carolina: For the second consecutive year, the Tar Heels are the lone ACC representative in the Sweet 16. For their conference mates in the tournament, ACC meant “Another Clemson Choke,” “Abrams Cripples ‘Canes,” and “Adios, Chris Collins!”

Washington State: The Cougars made Notre Dame’s offense look anemic in a rout, leading many to ask if the Irish were being coached by Charlie Weis.

Louisville: Hitting on all cylinders, the unsentimental Cardinals prevented another Boise State-Oklahoma matchup. Worse yet, they demanded that Ian Johnson divorce his cheerleader wife.

Tennessee: Chris Lofton is expected to play on Thursday, despite nursing an injured ankle. Bruce Pearl is expected to coach on Thursday, despite wearing that orange sport coat.

SOUTH:

Memphis: The Tigers survived a close one with Mississippi State. Amazingly, they were the only Tigers to win on Sunday, and they didn’t even wear red.

Michigan State: The Spartans eliminated Pittsburgh, Bobby Knight’s pick as national champion. It’s been a long time since he’s had a clue about what happens in a Final Four.

Stanford: I was ready to write about the Lopez twins, but since I’m close to the halfway point, I had to eject Trent Johnson from this article.

Texas: Taking the court in Houston, the Longhorns will have geography in their favor. Just like North Carolina in Charlotte, as well as West Virginia and Western Kentucky in the West Regional.

MIDWEST:

Kansas: The Jayhawks just eliminated a Lon Kruger-coached team (UNLV), as they did during their last title run in 1988 (vs. Kansas State). It’s a good omen, but they’ll really be in good shape if “Dukakis For President” signs start popping up.

Villanova: Despite being a 12 seed, the Wildcats make their third Sweet 16 appearance in four years. I’m also pretty sure that Villanova is a female Russian tennis player.

Wisconsin: The Badgers bounced Kansas State from the Big Dance, shattering Michael Beasley’s hopes for a bright future.

Davidson: Tournament darling Stephen Curry left Georgetown in a state of shock. Not so much that the Wildcats won, but that a team from North Carolina made shots against the Hoyas down the stretch of a tournament game.

WEST:

UCLA: The Bruins can’t continue the James Bond-type escapes forever. But against Texas A&M, UCLA stood for “Unflappable Collison, Love Advance.”

Western Kentucky: The Hilltoppers eliminated fellow longshot San Diego, who assumed that all Kentucky teams were a cakewalk.

Xavier: With a showdown against old foe Bob Huggins looming, the Musketeers have petitioned the NCAA to move the West Regional from Phoenix to Cincinnati.

West Virginia: Speaking of Huggins, he’s done so well at West Virginia, he’ll soon be hired by Michigan.

NCAA First Round Losers

It’s on to the second round, as 32 teams remain in The Big Dance. First, we’ll take a look back at some of the first round losers.


Patriotic Fans in Birmingham: Friday afternoon saw American and USA (South Alabama) go down to defeat.

4 & 5 Seeds in Tampa Bay: The Rays can only hope that underdogs keep winning in Tampa Bay.

Kents: Gone from the field are Kent State, Ernie Kent of Oregon, and Kent-ucky.

NFC Central: There’s no more action for the (Baylor) Bears or (Portland State) Vikings.

Religious Leaders: Oral Roberts and Brigham Young didn’t have a prayer.

Saints (excluding nicknames): The Siena Saints moved on, but it wasn’t a Good Friday for St. Joseph’s, St. Mary’s, or Mount St. Mary’s.

High-Priced Prostitutes: With Austin Peay’s elimination, the Governors are out of action.

Nashville: Vanderbilt was blown out by Siena, while the other local entrant couldn’t quite pull off the upset of the tournament. Like recent Triple Crown bids, it was a near-miss involving Belmont.

South Carolina Teams in Second Half: Winthrop and Clemson were outscored by a combined 49 points after halftime. On the bright side, now the Tigers have plenty of time to work on their free throws.

Padres Fans: The experience of seeing San Diego pull out a playoff win in overtime came five months too late. Unfortunately for UConn, Trevor Hoffman wasn't on the court.

A March Madness Guide, From A To Z

The field of 65 has been released, so it’s time for another edition of March Madness! Before you fill out those NCAA tournament brackets, here’s a quick primer, from A To Z.


Alamodome: As the Final Four site, everyone wants to end up there. Asked for comment, David Stern remarked, “Basketball finals in San Antonio? Those ratings will suck!”

Bulldogs: The mascot is well-represented by Butler, Drake, Georgia, Gonzaga, and Mississippi State. Plus, since “Hoya” is just part of a Latin phrase, Georgetown also has a Bulldog mascot. Because who wants to dress up as a Latin phrase?

Commercials: Non-Duke fans hope this will be the only way to see Coach K during the Final Four.

Double-Header: Georgia will demand one if the Dawgs upset Xavier in the first round.

Eleven: Record number of NCAA titles for UCLA. They have a real chance to make it twelve, since Florida is nowhere to be found.

Favre, Brett: A long-running Packer who finally called it quits. CBS viewers wish the same were true of Billy.

George Mason: The CAA champs were everyone’s favorite Cinderella two years ago. They’ve since been replaced by Amy Adams.

Hansbrough, Tyler: A guy you’re probably tired of hearing about by now. But I’m a UNC alum, so you’ll get more Psycho T and like it!

Initial Entries: American, Portland State, Texas-Arlington, and UMBC are in the Division 1 tournament for the first time. However, since Portland State and UMBC are both in the Midwest region, they can’t all make the Final Four.

Jesus: Appropriately, he’s well-represented during Easter Week. Both his parents (St. Joseph and St. Mary) are in the field.

Knowledge of Hoops: Something that has absolutely nothing to do with winning an NCAA Tournament pool.

Longhorns: Texas could play the South Regional and the Final Four in its home state. But first comes the long-awaited Battle of Austin versus Austin Peay.

Missed Free Throws: The potential downfall for Memphis, as you’ll be reminded constantly during a close game for the Tigers. Also the potential downfall for Clemson, as you’ll be reminded constantly during a close game for the Tigers.

National Championship Game: The title matchup will have two new participants, since Florida and Ohio State were left out of the field. The Buckeyes will just have to lose to an SEC opponent for the NIT championship.

One and Done: What Kansas State’s Michael Beasley and USC’s O.J. Mayo will be after their freshman seasons. And what one of their teams will be in this tournament, since they meet in the first round.

Pre-season Polls: The top four teams were North Carolina, UCLA, Memphis, and Kansas, which happen to be the four #1 seeds. So the last four months were just a formality.

Queasy: How the sappy One Shining Moment should probably make you feel. But since it’s accompanied by awesome hoops highlights, you love the damn song.

Rocky: Just a few days ago, Philly was in danger of being shut out of the field, but Temple, Villanova, and St. Joseph’s all made it. As for Final Four contenders, you can look to Rocky Top and Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Seinfeld: A show that will be quoted constantly, thanks to the already overused line of “Love the Drake!”

Twenty: Number of defeats for Coppin State – the most ever for an NCAA Tournament team. Being in Baltimore and losing 20 games makes Coppin State a perfect fit for the Orioles’ rotation.

Upsets: You know they’ll happen. You just won’t pick the right ones.

Victory: The only experience Davidson has had in 2008, with its last loss coming on December 21 to NC State. Yes, THAT NC State. Seriously, I’m not kidding!

Wildcats: Apparently a favorable nickname for bubble teams, as Arizona, Kentucky, Kansas State, and Villanova all squeaked into the field.

Xenon: The most underrated noble gas, which ... oh, whatever, I’ll just go with Xavier.

Yankee: Like Alex Rodriguez, the Final Four contenders hope to be at their best in April.

Zebras: Another word for referees, whom fans will blame for their team’s elimination. Unless their school loses by more than 30. No, they’ll still blame the refs.

UNC Requests ACC Tournament Move To Cameron

The Atlantic Coast Conference men’s basketball tournament is scheduled for Charlotte Bobcats Arena this Thursday through Sunday. However, top-seeded North Carolina is seeking a last-minute change to the proceedings. UNC has requested that the tournament be moved to Cameron Indoor Stadium in Durham.


The development comes in the wake of Saturday’s 76-68 victory by the Tar Heels over Duke. The win was UNC’s third in a row at Cameron, leaving senior Quentin Thomas as the only Tar Heel to have experienced defeat at the famous venue. At this point, the junior class led by national player of the year front-runner Tyler Hansbrough considers games at Cameron to be automatic victories. Therefore, the players begged coach Roy Williams to lobby the ACC to move the tournament there.


Insiders consider the relocation to be highly unlikely, given the logistics of staging such an event and the time frame involved. However, Williams raised a point to illustrate why Cameron would be such an appropriate venue. “The ACC Tournament is a huge event in this region. So why have it in an ARENA when you can hold it in a STADIUM?”


Others charge that staging the tournament on Duke’s home court would impair the neutrality of the event. A potential solution to that problem would be to refer to Cameron as Wallace Wade Stadium during the tournament, since no one ever accuses a Duke team of having a home crowd advantage at Wallace Wade Stadium. The playing surface itself is known as Coach K Court. That name is soon likely to change to Psycho T Court, because Hansbrough and his teammates clearly own the place.


Certainly Dick Vitale would be in favor of such a move, since he would spend every day in Cameron if he could. Not so happy would be the wealthy boosters from each of the twelve ACC schools. Instead of being granted the cushy seats they expected, the boosters would be forced to camp out in tents to get into the games. Even if the move is a longshot, some ACC players are stunned that this scenario has come to light. When asked for comment about UNC’s proposal, Duke point guard Greg Paulus reportedly fainted. However, it turned out that Paulus was simply trying to draw an offensive foul on the interviewer.


If the Heels do not get another opportunity to play in Cameron this week, at least they can reflect on their victorious experience from Saturday. After the game, many Cameron Crazies tried doing shots to drown their sorrows, but they were denied when the shots got blocked by Danny Green. For the third straight season, Senior Night in Cameron led to defeat for the home team. Representing the senior class, likely All-ACC first-teamer DeMarcus Nelson was held to six points. It’s a good thing that the Dukie who made a half-court shot during College GameDay is a graduate student. If he had been a senior, chances are his shot would have gone woefully awry, knocking the highlighter out of Digger Phelps’s hand and breaking Erin Andrews’s nose in Marcia Brady-esque fashion.


Chances are, Carolina will not get to play in the comfort of Cameron Indoor Stadium this weekend. Most fans anticipate a third Tar Heels-Blue Devils matchup in Charlotte on Sunday. If instead, the final matchup is UNC-Clemson, expect the Heels to lobby the ACC for a move once again. They’d definitely want that game in Chapel Hill.

Duke's Unselfish Week

Around the country, the mere mention of the word “Duke” inspires hostility for millions of college basketball fans. However, Mike Krzyzewski and his Blue Devils deserve nothing but appreciation this week. Since Sunday, Duke has been a model of unselfishness.


The team’s exemplary behavior began with its trip to Wake Forest on Sunday night. Duke entered the contest at 10-0 in conference play and 22-1 overall. The prevailing wisdom among bracketologists was that the ACC would only place four of its twelve members into the NCAA tournament. Realizing that Wake could enter that discussion with a marquee victory, the Blue Devils went ahead and made that scenario a reality. As the Demon Deacons prevailed 86-73, Duke could take pride in advancing the cause of the conference. The truly unique aspect of the contest was that all five Blue Devils fouled out of the game. The referees even called three fouls on assistant coach Steve Wojciechowski, for flops he committed as a player in 1998.


Besides boosting Wake’s at-large chances, Duke also helped its biggest fan with the defeat. Dick Vitale recently returned to the airwaves after literally being silenced for much of the season after throat surgery. Knowing that Dickie V would be calling the Memphis-Tennessee showdown this coming Saturday, the Blue Devils wanted to give him the privilege of broadcasting a 1-vs.-2 matchup. With Sunday’s setback, Duke relinquished the #2 ranking in favor of the Volunteers. In gratitude, Vitale promised to mention the Cameron Crazies and Coach K as much as possible during the Tigers-Vols showdown, making it just like every other non-Duke game he broadcasts.


Not content to merely assist the ACC and Dickie V, Coach K advanced the cause of college basketball in general during a radio interview after the Wake loss. Noting that guard Nolan Smith had recently been playing through a knee injury, Coach K remarked, “unlike other schools we don’t release our injuries.” Believing that “other schools” was a thinly-veiled reference to North Carolina, UNC coach Roy Williams shot back on his radio show with a message to “coach their own damn team, I’ll coach my team.” While Roger Clemens, the Daytona 500, and the recent NBA trading frenzy still commanded the sports headlines, there’s nothing like a bit of sniping between the sport’s biggest rivals to get some attention for college basketball. If nothing else, it was much more fun and juicy than talking about Kelvin Sampson’s phone bills. Coach K surely knew that this media frenzy would ensue after making his comments. When it comes to slights against his team, Roy’s skin is thinner than a coked-up runway model.


Duke once again showed its conference loyalty in Wednesday’s 96-95 loss at Miami. The Hurricanes entered on the wrong side of the tournament bubble and desperately needed a high-quality win. Joe Lunardi certainly took notice as the Blue Devils accommodated the hosts with a season-high 23 turnovers. Miami’s Dwayne Collins tallied a career-high 26 points, leaving Duke assistant Chris Collins highly impressed. Remarked Chris, “Who would ever expect a guy named Collins to play so well in a Duke game?”


By dropping consecutive games on the road, Duke also brought joy to the opposing fans. ACC crowds always exert extra energy when the Blue Devils or Tar Heels come for a visit. However, until Sunday, Duke was unblemished in conference play, while UNC’s two defeats both came at home. In losing back-to-back contests, the Blue Devils put a stop to this season’s appalling lack of court-stormings by ACC fans.


It is not surprising that a team led by Coach K would be so unselfish these days. Krzyzewski is a devout Roman Catholic, so Lent is an important time for him. Coach K believes that everyone should be willing to sacrifice something. As a prime example, he cited the Duke football program, which gave up winning when Steve Spurrier left for Florida.


After this string of unselfishness, Duke cannot be blamed if it proceeds to blow out St. John’s this Saturday. However, rival fans have to appreciate the Blue Devils’ efforts in recent days. Only one thing would make them happier: seeing those same results in March.

"UNC Defeats Clemson in Chapel Hill," Plus Similar Headlines

For North Carolina fans, it was nearly the worst back-to-back regular season scenario imaginable. Coming off a defeat to hated Duke on Wednesday, the Tar Heels were perilously close to their first-ever home loss against Clemson Sunday night. However, despite never leading in regulation, UNC managed to prevail 103-93 in double-overtime. As a result, Carolina is now 53-0 against the Tigers in Chapel Hill, and “The Streak” lives on for at least another year.

Clemson was, for much of the evening, the better team in the Smith Center. However, in the end, the result was this utterly predictable headline: “UNC Defeats Clemson in Chapel Hill.” Here are a number of other headlines - inside and outside the sports world - carrying a similar level of surprise.


Cleveland Falls Short of Championship
Lohan Involved in Auto Mishap
Clemens Steroid Case Takes Bizarre Turn
Opposing Fan Calls Belichick “Arrogant”
Critics Blast New Sandler Film
Bengal Taken Into Custody
Bush’s Approval Rating Declines
Yankees Lead MLB in Payroll
Sitcom Focuses On Fat Guy With Hot Wife
Clippers Face Rebuilding Season
Major Title Eludes Sergio
Hot August Predicted For Phoenix
Fans Heap Scorn on BCS
Marlins Play Before Sparse Crowd
L.A. Drivers Confronted By Gridlock
Knick Fans Show Disgust Toward Isiah
Sharpton, Limbaugh Disagree On Several Issues
Saban Accepts New Coaching Job
Pope Endorses Prayer Habit
Vitale Portrays Duke in Positive Light

ACC Halftime Report

We’ve reached the midpoint of conference play in the ACC basketball season. How do things look? In order of the current standings, here are some quick hits on each of the 12 teams.


Duke: 8-0 Conference; 20-1 Overall. Coach K has the Devils at the top of their game, and now we know why he was chosen to coach at the Beijing Olympics this summer. It’s the Year of the Rat in China.

North Carolina: 6-2; 21-2. Ty Lawson’s injury is only a temporary issue. The long-range problem? There’s no “D” in “Tar Heels.”

Clemson: 5-3; 17-5. The Tigers desperately hope to end their winless streak in Chapel Hill this Sunday. If UNC somehow falls to 52-1, the ’72 Dolphins will storm the Smith Center court.

Maryland: 5-3; 15-8. Bambale Osby is fulfilling the promise he showed at Carver High School in the late 70’s. Any White Shadow fans out there?

Virginia Tech: 5-4; 14-9. Three of the Hokies’ conference wins have come in overtime. So they’re hoping that all ACC Tournament games will be scheduled for 45 minutes.

North Carolina State: 4-4; 15-7. Freshman star J.J. Hickson gives ACC fans what they’ve wanted for years: a J.J.-led team that’s completely mediocre.

Georgia Tech: 4-4; 11-10. In conference, the Yellow Jackets are 1-3 at home and 3-1 on the road. Is Eli Manning their point guard?

Wake Forest: 3-5; 13-8. The future looks bright, and Chris Paul is lighting up the NBA. But once again, I have to ask: why does the Demon Deacon mascot wear a bowtie on his CHIN? Somebody answer me!

Boston College: 3-5; 12-9. The Eagles have dropped five straight games. Fortunately for them, Boston fans are way more disappointed by a team that’s lost 1 of its last 19.

Florida State: 3-6; 14-10. Guard Isaiah Swann is out with a torn ACL. Unlike for other FSU athletes, this ACL stands for Anterior Cruciate Ligament, not Academic Cheating Loss.

Miami: 2-6; 15-7. This slumping Miami team can’t help itself by trading Shaq.

Virginia: 1-7; 11-10. At 10-2 when the new year arrived, they’re just 1-8 since. Giuliani’s had a less disappointing 2008.

Rutgers Now Known As "Keystone Knights"

A perennial doormat in the Big East, the Rutgers men’s basketball team raised eyebrows with an almost unprecedented week. For the second time in the program’s history, the Scarlet Knights notched consecutive victories over ranked opponents. RU followed up Wednesday’s upset over #18 Villanova with a road stunner over 17th-ranked Pittsburgh on Saturday. Clearly the state of Pennsylvania is being good to Rutgers these days, so coach Fred Hill wanted his players to have a constant reminder of the Keystone State. Therefore, the team will be known as the Keystone Knights for the remainder of the season.


Along with an earlier victory over Lafayette, the Keystone Knights are now 3-0 versus Pennsylvania teams this season. Excluding those triumphs, Rutgers is just 7-11 overall and 0-6 in the Big East. Certainly the Sunshine Knights would not have worked, as RU fell to Florida and South Florida by a combined 48 points. The Keystone Cops might have been appropriate, except the actual Keystone Cops committed fewer turnovers. These Rutgers hoopsters had generated so little interest, Don Imus didn’t even bother making racially insensitive remarks about them.


Therefore, no one could have expected the developments of the past week. The 80-68 home win over Villanova was certainly a surprise. Far more shocking was the 77-64 triumph in Pittsburgh. The Knights’ only previous road victory of the season came over the winless New Jersey Institute of Technology. Perhaps this week, they were inspired by another local team – the Giants, who have won ten straight games away from home. It’s a good thing Rutgers wasn’t watching the Nets, who just completed an 0-6 road trip with a loss in Minnesota. Right now, NJIT is begging for a shot at the Nets.


Clearly the Knights were the more focused team against the Panthers during Saturday’s telecast on ESPN Classic. It’s highly possible that seeing the phrases “Rutgers Basketball” and “ESPN Classic” together left Pitt in a state of confusion. Reporters on hand were also perplexed, leading them to frequently use the schools’ initials of “RU” in the post-game press conference. The first question posed to Coach Hill was, “Two wins in a row against ranked teams - RU f***ing kidding me?” Another reporter followed up, “Seriously, RU f***ing kidding me?” This went on for another five minutes.


The pleasant surprise of those two victories was followed by a disappointing realization. Rutgers has no more games on the schedule versus Pennsylvania opponents. The Knights only play Villanova and Pittsburgh once apiece, since the Big East currently includes 52 teams. Hill considered adding a matchup with the 76ers, but he didn’t want to weaken the schedule.


Knowing that he needed to keep the Keystone State fresh in his team’s mind, Hill came up with the idea for the “Keystone Knights” nickname. The choice was not quite a slam dunk, since Rutgers is also undefeated over opponents from North Dakota and New Hampshire. However, ultimately the “Keystone Knights” won out over the “Live Free and Die Scarlets.”


The nickname change is only temporary and does not extend to the other sports teams at Rutgers. The men’s basketball adjustment will also include a tweaking of the mascot. Instead of evoking images of jousting and chivalry, the Keystone Knight mascot will be a student dressed up as Bobby Knight, angrily hurling cans of Keystone Beer at spectators.


It remains to be seen whether the name change can help Rutgers against its remaining opponents. But even in Louisville or West Virginia, the Keystone Knights will always have Pennsylvania.

SEC Basketball Champ To Beat Ohio State in National Title Game

The present-day field of 65 for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament has led some observers to claim that major conference tournaments are not particularly important these days. However, this year’s Southeastern Conference tournament will have plenty of meaning. Thomas O’Connor, Chairman of the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee, announced today that the winner of the SEC basketball tournament will defeat Ohio State in the national championship game.


The surprising announcement came on the heels of last night’s BCS National Championship Game, in which the football Buckeyes fell 38-24 to LSU. Like Florida in both football and basketball last year, the Tigers won the SEC championship in the Georgia Dome before going on to beat OSU in the national title game. This year’s SEC basketball tournament is also in the Georgia Dome, so the Selection Committee naturally assumed the pattern would continue this April in San Antonio. Ohio State AD Gene Smith, a Selection Committee member himself, remarked, “As a sports fan these days, there are two things you can be sure of: An SEC team will beat the Buckeyes for the national title, and your favorite athlete is on steroids.”


Last night’s setback continued an amazing pattern of futility for OSU football versus the SEC. Whereas Jim Tressel’s whipping boy Lloyd Carr went 5-2 in bowls against the SEC, the Buckeyes fell to 0-9 all-time versus the powerhouse conference in bowl games. Fully aware of this trend, new Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez has petitioned SEC Commissioner Michael Silve to allow the Wolverines to claim a one-week membership in the SEC each November. As for the Buckeyes, only the Democratic Party has had more trouble with the Deep South.


For the OSU basketball team, today’s announcement actually represents a pleasant surprise. While currently on course for this year’s NCAA tournament, the 11-3 Buckeyes are a far cry from last season’s juggernaut that featured Greg Oden and Mike Conley, Jr. However, while that team had to sweat out dramatic comeback victories over Xavier and Tennessee in the Big Dance, this rebuilding group is already assured of a spot in the championship game. In fact, the team plans to take a cue from its football counterpart. After Michigan visits Columbus on February 5, the Buckeyes will cancel their remaining games. Therefore, like Jim Tressel’s crew, the hoopsters can follow a matchup against the Wolverines with a two-month layoff before the title game.


The news was far less popular in towns like Chapel Hill, Memphis, and Lawrence. One UCLA supporter was particularly miffed, noting that a pre-set championship matchup will eliminate the need for tournament pools. That anonymous fan, who may or may not be the Bruins’ new football coach, angrily exclaimed, “Now I have to find new NCAA rules to violate!” Another fan remarked, “It’s totally ridiculous when you put two teams into a championship game without a tournament leading up to it!” Overhearing, some nearby men in colorful blazers remarked, “Ridiculous? I think you meant to say, ‘Awesome!’”


On the other hand, a tremendous opportunity will be presented to the members of the SEC. Surprising unbeatens Vanderbilt and Mississippi can now dream of a national championship. However, the most likely beneficiary is Tennessee, as the highest-ranking conference team in the polls. The Volunteers could avenge last season’s Sweet 16 defeat and potentially even be part of dual national championships with Pat Summit’s Lady Vols. Tennessee also hosts Ohio State on January 19, so like Florida last season, it could defeat the Buckeyes twice in the same season. Most significantly, beating OSU in the title game would allow coach Bruce Pearl an opportunity to act like a lunatic on a Monday night in April. Meaning that he would act like “Bruce Pearl on a Monday night.”


The LSU hoopsters seem unlikely to repeat Florida’s football-basketball feat from last year, given their 7-7 record. However, the Tigers do have a legitimate chance to win the SEC if they can suit up Shaquille O’Neal and the ghost of Pete Maravich. As for the rebuilding Gators, most observers are hoping that they don’t rule the SEC this time around. Although the Buckeyes actually beat them in Columbus, forcing Ohio State to lose another national championship game to UF would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.


Elsewhere, Kentucky would seem to be a natural for the championship game, if they were fielding a basketball team this year. Perhaps the most intriguing possibility is Georgia. The Bulldogs will have proximity in their favor for the SEC tournament in Atlanta. A triumph there would result in a dream matchup with Ohio State in the Alamodome. This particular dream is the one in which Maurice Clarett enrolls in a class taught by Jim Harrick, Jr.


Until then, the Buckeyes must wait to see which SEC opponent will beat them in the next national championship game. With two consecutive title game appearances, OSU fans will certainly be pleased with head coach Thad Matta. His name alone makes the Buckeye fans happy: no S, E, or C to be found.

Hansbrough & Other Tylers

This young basketball season has been marked by an unusually gifted freshman class that’s high on flash. However, the best player on the #1 team in the country is a junior with a not-so-pretty style. North Carolina’s Tyler Hansbrough hopes his all-out effort helps Roy Williams to his second national championship in April. In the meantime, here’s how Hansbrough compares to a dozen other Tylers.


John Tyler: He became President of the United States after the death in office of William Henry Harrison. Similarly, Hansbrough entered the spotlight because Sean May, Rashad McCants, Raymond Felton, and Marvin Williams departed early.

Mary Tyler Moore: She memorably tossed up her hat in Minneapolis. Hansbrough memorably tossed away his mask against Michigan State.

Bonnie Tyler: In Total Eclipse of the Heart, she sang, “Every now and then I fall apart.” The Tar Heels said the same thing after the Georgetown game.

Tyler Durden: In Fight Club he insisted, “I want you to hit me as hard as you can!” Hansbrough didn’t make the same request to Gerald Henderson, but it happened anyway.

Tyler Perry: The creator of House of Payne and Why Did I get Married has developed a media empire in Atlanta. As a freshman, Hansbrough also demanded Atlanta’s attention with a career-high 40 versus Georgia Tech.

Steven Tyler: In honor of the singer of Walk This Way, Hansbrough often gets away with an extra step down low.

Liv Tyler: Somehow, she looks like Steven Tyler but is still hot. Equally hard to believe: the guy with the biggest man-crush on Hansbrough is a Dukie (Jay Bilas).

Tyler, Texas: It’s the hometown of LSU quarterback Matt Flynn. Like Hansbrough, he hopes his season includes a victory over Ohio State.

Willie Tyler and Lester: As a ventriloquist, Willie thrives with his wooden partner. Hansbrough thrives with his partners on the hardwood.

Aisha Tyler: Hansbrough defies racial stereotypes as a white basketball star, just as Aisha did as a black person on Friends.

Tyler Green: Obscure, but the former Phillie starter is worth a mention for this bizarre stat: Green pitched in the 1995 All-Star Game, yet only won 18 games in his career. As for UNC’s Tyler, his most recent win came in Philly, with help from Danny Green.

Tyler James Williams: He’s the star of Everybody Hates Chris. Hansbrough plays eight miles from the team everybody hates.

A Hitchcockian View of College Basketball's Preseason Top 15

The college basketball season is just around the corner, and the preseason USA Today/ESPN coaches’ poll was already released on October 26. While the real intrigue is reserved for March, there’s still a place for the Master of Suspense when previewing the season. Alfred Hitchcock’s movies fit in quite well with the top 15 teams. Really, what’s more synonymous with college basketball than a British guy who’s been dead since 1980?

Hitchcock won’t be making one of his trademark cameos in this article. But given his fixation on beautiful blondes, he’d be thrilled to see Erin Andrews reporting from the sideline. Without further adieu, here’s a Hitchcockian view of college basketball’s preseason top 15.


14. (tie) Texas A&M. Rear Window. Can the Aggies continue their success, with Acie Law and Billy Gillespie in their rear view?

14. (tie) Gonzaga. Spellbound. That’s what Josh Heytvelt will be if he can’t lay off the mushrooms.

13. Oregon. The Birds. Despite the loss of Aaron Brooks, the Ducks will continue to be a nuisance in the Pac-10.

12. Marquette. To Catch A Thief. Thanks to his penchant for steals, guard Jerel McNeal was the Big East Defensive Player of the Year. But he’s not quite as dashing as Cary Grant.

11. Duke. Notorious. It’s what the Blue Devils are on every campus outside of Durham.

10. Washington State. North By Northwest. The Cougars will once again be strong in the Pacific Northwest. No word on whether they’ll travel to games in a crop duster.

9. Indiana. Dial M For Murder. Kelvin Sampson knows how telephone calls can lead to big trouble.

8. Michigan State. 300. I know it’s not Hitchcock, but it’s the mandatory movie reference for the Spartans.

7. Tennessee. Rich and Strange. It’s an early, obscure Hitchcock film, but it’s a perfect label for Bruce Pearl.

6. Louisville. The Wrong Man. Cardinal fans are still thankful that Rick Pitino was the wrong man for the Celtics.

5. Georgetown. Vertigo. Jimmy Stewart had a fear of heights, so he’d have been terrified of 7’2” All-American Roy Hibbert.

4. Kansas. The 39 Steps. It’s how many steps Bill Self has taken, assuming you need 40 to reach the Final Four.

3. Memphis. Suspicion. Although they’re deep and talented, the Tigers can’t escape suspicion as long as they’re in Conference USA.

2. UCLA. Rebecca. The Bruins, like Rebecca Lobo, won a national championship in 1995. It could happen again, now that Corey Brewer and Joakim Noah are out of the picture.

1. North Carolina. Psycho. Tyler (Psycho T) Hansbrough hopes to lead the Tar Heels to the penthouse, not the Bates Motel.

A Billy Donovan Guide To TV Characters

From 1978 to 1981, The White Shadow brought coach Ken Reeves into the homes of viewers. Over the past few days, another basketball coach has been the center of a widely viewed drama. While the parties involved are still working out the resolution, it appears certain that Billy Donovan will return to the University of Florida after signing a contract with the Orlando Magic. Donovan may have a link to Ken Howard, but he won’t be connected to Dwight Howard. Besides the Carver High School coach, here are some other TV characters with relevance to Donovan’s career.


George Costanza: George once quit his job, then reconsidered and went back to work like it never happened.

Hayden Fox: The title character in Coach won a national championship before bolting for a pro job in Orlando. His Orlando gig also was soon cancelled.

Eddie Munster: Opposing fans have pointed out the resemblance.

Homer Simpson: If he keeps UF among the elite, Donovan will wind up in Springfield.

Gilligan: Billy’s Orlando experience was the opposite of the Little Buddy’s expedition. After expecting many years, he wound up with a three-hour tour.

Mimi Bobeck: On the Cleveland-set Drew Carey Show, she was Drew’s arch-enemy. Donovan is also a nemesis in Ohio.

Ernie Pantusso: Like Sam Malone’s pal, Donovan decided to stay as Coach “where everybody knows your name.”

Lucy Ricardo: As a Pitino disciple, Billy also looks to Ricky for guidance.

MacGyver: Donovan is using any available resources (i.e. lawyers) to escape from his predicament.

The Fonz: Jerry Tarkanian won one national championship at UNLV. With his second title, Donovan jumped the Shark.

Stella Bonasera: That’s the CSI: New York character played by Melina Kanakaredes. Like Donovan, Kanakaredes was once the star of Providence.

George Jefferson: Billy was also movin’on up, until he decided to break the lease on the deluxe apartment in the sky.

Toonces: As Kentucky fans would attest, Cats are consistently in peril around Donovan.

Laverne De Fazio & Shirley Feeney: They made their dreams come true at the Shotz Brewery. Donovan made his dreams come true thanks to shots from Brewer.

Jim Halpert: Whether it’s Orlando/Gainesville or Pam/Karen, neither guy can make up his mind.

Doogie Howser: Donovan was much younger than his peers (28) when he became a college head coach.

Cliff Huxtable: He was played by another Bill who was #1 on multiple occasions.

Marcia Brady: Orlando was jilted after “something suddenly came up.”

John Carter: The ER doctor, played by Noah Wyle, was an associate of Mark Green. Donovan was also connected to Noah and Green.

Kevin Arnold: In Gainesville, 2006 and 2007 have been The Wonder Years.

Mary Richards: Billy’s saga brought stress to Anthony Grant, just as Mary did to Lou Grant.

Sonny Crockett: Donovan is at home with the Florida Gators, whereas Crockett kept a gator in his Florida home.

Frasier Crane: Like Billy, he was wealthy and tended to over-analyze his decisions.

Rerun: That’s what UCLA fans thought they were watching at the Final Four.

Bobby Ewing: Maybe the contract signing was all just a dream.

Zach Johnson: This Year's George Mason

Before the NCAA tournament, everyone insisted on asking, “Who is this year’s George Mason?” However, the 2007 edition of March Madness had no Cinderellas to replicate the Patriots’ magical run of last year. Major upsets were almost nonexistent, and the Final Four consisted of all #1 and #2 seeds. Therefore, the answer to “Who is this year’s George Mason?” seemed to be “no one.”

As it turned out, the question should have focused on a different sporting event to culminate in Georgia during early April. Sunday, the Masters Tournament was won by a man who had missed the cut in his previous three majors. The 2004 BellSouth Classic was his only PGA Tour victory before this weekend. As such an unlikely winner, Zach Johnson truly became this year’s George Mason. He may not have been coached by Jim Larranaga, but here’s how Johnson compares to last year’s Final Four longshots.


Zach Johnson: Wore the green jacket
George Mason: Wore green uniforms

Zach Johnson: Celebrated his victory in Butler Cabin
George Mason: Celebrated thanks to guard Lamar Butler

George Mason: As a D.C.-area team, inspired fans of the Washington Nationals
Zach Johnson: Inspired fans (excuse me, PATRONS!) at Augusta National

Zach Johnson: Went 1 over par in signature victory at Augusta
George Mason: Went 1 overtime in signature victory over UConn

George Mason: Namesake was a Founding Father
Zach Johnson: Namesake was a founding member of The Fray

Zach Johnson: Moment of glory came after 11 uneventful appearances in majors
George Mason: Moment of glory came as an 11th-seeded mid-major

George Mason: Ended North Carolina’s reign as champion
Zach Johnson: Ended Phil Mickelson’s reign as champion

Zach Johnson: Has two PGA victories in the state of Georgia
George Mason: Had two CAA victories over Georgia State

George Mason: Eliminated the Missouri Valley Conference’s Wichita State Shockers
Zach Johnson: As a Drake alumnus, he’s a Missouri Valley member who pulled a shocker

Zach Johnson: After finishing his round, watched Tiger Woods come up short
George Mason: After finishing their season, watched the LSU Tigers come up short

George Mason: Played in the presence of Jim Nantz and Billy Packer
Zach Johnson: Played in the presence of Jim Nantz and Billy Payne

Zach Johnson: Faced numerous water hazards
George Mason: Eliminated by Gators, which are hazardous in the water

Zach Johnson: Survived Amen Corner
George Mason: Shouted “Amen!” after Denham Brown missed from the corner

George Mason: Refused to listen to skeptics on the outside
Zach Johnson: Won at a club that refuses to listen to ANYONE on the outside

Zach Johnson: Played under the radar on the Hooters Tour
George Mason: Players were under-the-radar hoopsters

How Florida Will Continue to Dominate Sports

Last night, the Florida Gators won their second consecutive NCAA basketball championship with an 84-75 victory over Ohio State. The triumph continued a remarkable run for the school, which also defeated the Buckeyes for the national title in football.

Clearly the University of Florida is the dominant force in college sports right now. You might expect the Gators to have a low profile until the football season kicks off. However, UF will continue to have a huge impact on the sports world for the next few months. Here’s a look ahead.


Tonight: Although the title game matches Tennessee and Rutgers, the 9-22 Gators somehow win the women’s basketball national championship.

Sunday: Taurean Green replaces Phil Mickelson as champion of the Masters. Afterwards, Lefty presents him with the Taurean Green Jacket.

April 30: Inspired by Corey Brewer’s Final Four MOP performance, Milwaukee completes a perfect month for Brewers with a 26-0 record.

May 5: Billy Donovan is the winning jockey at the Kentucky Derby. Sadly for the locals, he decides not to lead humans to victory in Kentucky.

May 5: UF wins the NCAA men’s volleyball championship in Columbus, despite not fielding a varsity team. After noticing someone in a Gators shirt near the Ohio State logo, an NCAA official instinctively hands him a championship trophy.

May 27: Chris Leak triumphs at the Indianapolis 500. Furious rival drivers protest the results, claiming that Tim Tebow drove the final ten laps.

June 10: Following in his father’s footsteps, Joakim Noah captures the French Open.

June 17: After consistently putting the ball in the hole from long distance, Lee Humphrey wins golf’s U.S. Open.

June 18: Nashville becomes the third consecutive Stanley Cup champion from the southeast, after changing its nickname from the Predators to the Gators.

June 19: Proving that repeat basketball titles in Florida are a trend, the Miami Heat goes back-to-back.

July 8: Urban Meyer upsets Roger Federer to win Wimbledon. Federer consistently has to hurry his serves due to pressure from Jarvis Moss.

July 10: After Alfonso Soriano in 2004 and Miguel Tejada in 2005, Al Horford becomes the third Dominican in four years to be named MVP of the Major League All-Star Game.

July 22: Tiger Woods wins the British Open. Well, the Gators can’t change everything.

July 29: Versatile receiver Percy Harvin captures the Tour de France. Stage 1 was won by Ted Ginn Jr., who was then knocked out of the race by celebrating teammates.

Deja Vu: Another Ohio State/Florida Title Game Breakdown

April 2 will be just like January 8, as Ohio State and Florida once again square off for a national championship. There are some differences this time. The Gators are favored, Michigan fans aren’t screaming that they should be involved, and the Buckeyes won’t be 51 days removed from their last game. Therefore, I can’t simply repost my December article, Ohio State vs. Florida: An Early Breakdown, and have that serve as my title game preview.

But go ahead and read that article before proceeding. It’s okay, I’ll wait here. Since I was woefully wrong on picking Ohio State that time, clearly I needed to do a better job on my analysis this time around. I started fresh and came up with new angles for Monday’s showdown. Here’s the breakdown.


Greens: Ohio State just eliminated Jeff Green, so the Buckeyes will be ready for Taurean Green. Or even Brian Austin Green. Advantage: Ohio State

Georgia Dome: The Gators are used to celebrating in this venue recently, having won the SEC championships in both football and basketball there. In response, the Buckeyes unsuccessfully lobbied to move Monday’s game to The Horseshoe. Advantage: Florida

1995 World Series: The Cleveland Indians were 0-3 against the Braves on the road. So it’s tough for Ohio teams to win championships in Atlanta. Advantage: Florida

The Masters: On the other hand, OSU’s Jack Nicklaus won six times in Augusta, so Buckeyes can triumph in Georgia in early April. If they do on Monday, expect Greg Oden to put on a very large green jacket. Advantage: Ohio State

#1 Seeds: Florida hopes to replace Duke as the last repeat champion. This is the fifth time two #1 seeds have met in the title game. The previous four resulted in three UNC championships and a UConn victory over Duke – consistent disaster for Blue Devil fans. Advantage: Florida

2000 NCAA Championship Game: Florida lost to Michigan State, a Big Ten school it had played in a bowl game that January. With that in mind, expect Mike Conley Jr. to limp onto the court like Mateen Cleaves. Advantage: Ohio State

Literary Figures: (Joakim) Noah survived, but Othello (Hunter) did not. Advantage: Florida

Heisman Trophy: Only once has an athletic program won the Heisman and the NCAA basketball title in the same school year. UCLA quarterback Gary Beban and the Bruins accomplished the feat in 1967-68. After Troy Smith’s victory, the Buckeyes hope to follow suit. But they don’t have Kareem. Advantage: Florida

Hoopeston-East Lynn High School: Thad Matta went there, and the teams were known as the Cornjerkers. Therefore, the Gators shouldn’t intimidate the OSU coach. If you can succeed when you’re named Thad and called a Cornjerker, no obstacle is too large. Advantage: Ohio State

Super Bowl XLI: The hometown of Oden and Conley triumphed, while Gator Rex Grossman was the goat. Advantage: Ohio State

1987-88 Oklahoma Sooners: Before this year, OU was the last school to play for the football and basketball national titles in the same school year. Like OSU, they lost the bowl game. They fell again in hoops, so the Buckeyes are in trouble - especially if Danny Manning is in the arena. Advantage: Florida

Office Cinema: As Office Space’s Milton, UF’s Stephen Root gets no respect at Initech. But as J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man, OSU’s J.K. Simmons is completely in charge at The Daily Bugle. No one would dare take his red Swingline stapler. Advantage: Ohio State

Rick Pitino: Billy Donovan’s mentor also coached in consecutive national championship games. After winning in 1996, his Kentucky Wildcats lost in their bid to repeat. The consolation for Gator fans: he wasn’t in Lexington the next year. Advantage: Ohio State

Sweet 16: In that round, Florida was too much for Butler. Therefore, OSU is vulnerable with Jamar Butler. Advantage: Florida

BCS Title Matchups: The schools in the previous BCS championship game, USC and Texas, also met in this year’s tournament. The football loser came out on top in hoops. As Buckeye fans can relate, the Trojans were thrilled not to see Vince Young. Advantage: Ohio State

NHL Standings: Although both teams will miss the playoffs, Florida is better than the team from Columbus. For those who are unaware, the NHL is a hockey league. Advantage: Florida

Current Major Leaguers: Florida’s David Eckstein is the reigning World Series MVP, while Ohio State’s Nick Swisher has a name that can’t fool basketball fans. The words “Knick” and “Swish” don’t belong together. Advantage: Florida


This time around, it’s Florida 9, Ohio State 8. So expect a championship celebration in Gainesville. They definitely know the drill by now.

All-Final Four MLB Team

This week is a huge one for American sports fans. Ohio State, Georgetown, UCLA, and Florida are eagerly awaiting Saturday’s Final Four. One night later, the major league baseball season begins as the defending champion St. Louis Cardinals take on the New York Mets. Major leaguers share numerous similarities to the teams and activities to be featured at the Final Four. With that in mind, here is the All-Final Four Major League Baseball team.


Starting Pitcher: Johan Santana, Minnesota Twins. Just as UCLA shut down Kansas, he easily shuts down Kansas City.

Catcher: A.J. Pierzynski, Chicago White Sox. He’s equally as beloved as Billy Packer.

First Base: Prince Fielder, Milwaukee Brewers. Cecil’s son is a Brewer whose father was a pro athlete. Florida has Corey Brewer and numerous sons of pro athletes.

Second Base: Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies. Since he’s a gritty player from UCLA, Ben Howland would love him.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees. Like Monday night’s winner, he peaks in April.

Shortstop: David Eckstein, St. Louis Cardinals. He’s a Florida Gator who’s a defending champion. Aren’t all Gators these days?

Left Fielder: Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants. UCLA is defensive-minded and follows Arron Afflalo. Bonds gets defensive while following Aaron.

Center Fielder: Kenny Lofton, Texas Rangers. Lofton played in the 1988 Final Four with Arizona. Ohio State enters this Final Four with 34 wins – equaling the number of Lofton’s major league teams.

Right Fielder: Magglio Ordonez, Detroit Tigers. In the ALCS, he hit a walk-off game-winner. In the Sweet16, Georgetown’s Jeff Green hit a walking game-winner.

Designated Hitter: Travis Hafner, Cleveland Indians. Like Greg Oden, he’s an intimidating big man in Ohio.

Relief Pitcher: Chad Cordero, Washington Nationals. In Georgetown fashion, he plays in D.C. and shuts down opposing offenses at the end of games.

Manager: Bobby Cox, Atlanta Braves. The Final Four is in Atlanta, where Cox is used to seeing postseason action. Unfortunately for him, he’s only had One Shining Moment.

General Manager: Billy Beane, Oakland A’s. Surely he loves Ohio State’s Ron Lewis, who hit a Moneyball against Xavier.

Owner: Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers. Now in the same city as UCLA, he’s a Georgetown alumnus. Like his alma mater before this week, the Dodgers haven’t been to the Final Four since the 80s.

Mascot: Billy the Marlin, Florida Marlins. He’s what Coach Donovan hopes to be on Monday: a Billy who’s been part of two Florida championships.

OT Means "Only Trouble" For UNC

Sunday in the East Regional final, North Carolina’s national championship hopes came to a bitter end in a 96-84 overtime defeat to Georgetown. The result continued a distressing trend for the Tar Heels when playing beyond regulation. In recent years, overtime has brought nothing but pain to Carolina.


The top-seeded Heels seemed poised for the Final Four on Sunday, leading the second-seeded Hoyas 75-65 after Marcus Ginyard’s free throws with 7:19 remaining. However, UNC went scoreless for the next 3:31 and managed only six points in total until a meaningless three-pointer with eight seconds remaining in overtime. Carolina’s offense must have snitched on Tony Soprano, because all of a sudden it disappeared from New Jersey. After Jonathan Wallace’s three-pointer evened things up for the Hoyas, the Tar Heels were only half-ready for OT. They did have a (Psycho) T, but their O was gone.


The season-ending defeat prevented Roy Williams from reaching his second Final Four as UNC’s head coach. To Williams, “05” brings smiles as his national championship year. However, “0-5” now represents his overtime record as the Tar Heels’ leader. A February setback to Virginia Tech was preceded by losses during the 2003-04 season to Wake Forest, Florida State, and Duke. Overtime has now replaced Gerald Henderson as Public Enemy #1 in the Smith Center. As a result, Roy plans to lobby the NCAA to eliminate overtime periods. The suggestion is not without precedent, as college football did not extend beyond regulation until 1996. Realizing that no one wants a tie in basketball, the emotional Williams proposed a tiebreaker for games ending in a deadlock after regulation. The winner would be the team whose coach sheds the first tears.


His predecessor, Matt Doherty, was 0-2 in overtime games during an ill-fated stint as Carolina’s head coach. Reportedly, Doherty’s bad experiences with overtime came because he verbally abused and alienated overtime. For UNC’s last OT victory, you have to go back to March 1, 2000, when the Heels edged Georgia Tech 74-72. That was way back when Bill Clinton was running the USA and Bill Guthridge was in charge in Chapel Hill. Due to the quirks of Senior Night, someone named Matt Laczkowski started that home finale for UNC. If Matt Laczkowski is reading this article, chances are he just remarked, “Really? I started a game for Carolina basketball? No way!”


The troubles have also spread to the football team. The gridiron Heels have dropped their last three overtime games, with the most recent victory in extra time coming against North Carolina State in 1998. Taking the positive view, it does allow the UNC football players to claim “Hey, we ARE like the basketball team!” Both Tar Heel programs have something in common with immigrant workers at Wal-Mart. They work overtime, but get no benefits for it.


The overtime futility is particularly frustrating when you consider the basketball program’s past glories in OT. On its way to the 1993 national championship, UNC was in the exact same position as it was this Sunday: a #1 seed taking on a 2 seed in overtime at the East Regional final in East Rutherford. That time, Donald Williams led Carolina to a 75-68 triumph over Cincinnati. Bob Huggins’s Bearcats were immediately returned to police custody. Most famously, the 1957 Tar Heels capped an undefeated season with a triple-overtime classic over Kansas in the national championship game. The Jayhawks’ Wilt Chamberlain was so worn out after the game, he only slept with 12 women that night.


Amid the build-up to Sunday’s UNC-Georgetown showdown, Fred Brown’s gaffe in the 1982 title game was constantly mentioned. The result was reversed this time, but the more appropriate contrast is drawn from Chris Webber’s mistake in 1993. Then, UNC was blessed by a TO. Now it’s cursed by OT.