How Florida Will Continue to Dominate Sports

Last night, the Florida Gators won their second consecutive NCAA basketball championship with an 84-75 victory over Ohio State. The triumph continued a remarkable run for the school, which also defeated the Buckeyes for the national title in football.

Clearly the University of Florida is the dominant force in college sports right now. You might expect the Gators to have a low profile until the football season kicks off. However, UF will continue to have a huge impact on the sports world for the next few months. Here’s a look ahead.


Tonight: Although the title game matches Tennessee and Rutgers, the 9-22 Gators somehow win the women’s basketball national championship.

Sunday: Taurean Green replaces Phil Mickelson as champion of the Masters. Afterwards, Lefty presents him with the Taurean Green Jacket.

April 30: Inspired by Corey Brewer’s Final Four MOP performance, Milwaukee completes a perfect month for Brewers with a 26-0 record.

May 5: Billy Donovan is the winning jockey at the Kentucky Derby. Sadly for the locals, he decides not to lead humans to victory in Kentucky.

May 5: UF wins the NCAA men’s volleyball championship in Columbus, despite not fielding a varsity team. After noticing someone in a Gators shirt near the Ohio State logo, an NCAA official instinctively hands him a championship trophy.

May 27: Chris Leak triumphs at the Indianapolis 500. Furious rival drivers protest the results, claiming that Tim Tebow drove the final ten laps.

June 10: Following in his father’s footsteps, Joakim Noah captures the French Open.

June 17: After consistently putting the ball in the hole from long distance, Lee Humphrey wins golf’s U.S. Open.

June 18: Nashville becomes the third consecutive Stanley Cup champion from the southeast, after changing its nickname from the Predators to the Gators.

June 19: Proving that repeat basketball titles in Florida are a trend, the Miami Heat goes back-to-back.

July 8: Urban Meyer upsets Roger Federer to win Wimbledon. Federer consistently has to hurry his serves due to pressure from Jarvis Moss.

July 10: After Alfonso Soriano in 2004 and Miguel Tejada in 2005, Al Horford becomes the third Dominican in four years to be named MVP of the Major League All-Star Game.

July 22: Tiger Woods wins the British Open. Well, the Gators can’t change everything.

July 29: Versatile receiver Percy Harvin captures the Tour de France. Stage 1 was won by Ted Ginn Jr., who was then knocked out of the race by celebrating teammates.

Ohio State To Stop Playing Sports Versus Florida

Monday night in Arizona, Florida routed Ohio State 41-14 in the BCS national championship game. With the Buckeyes having been #1 all season, the result was stunning to most college football observers. However, the lopsided affair continued a pattern of futility for Ohio State athletics against the Gators. Therefore, OSU director of athletics Gene Smith has announced that the school’s teams will no longer compete against the University of Florida.


Many prognosticators expected the Buckeyes to dominate the Gators for 60 minutes on Monday. Instead, they dominated for 16 seconds. Ted Ginn, Jr. returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown and then supposedly left the game with an injury. Actually, Ginn was simply following the philosophy of George Costanza – always leave on a high note. Quarterback Troy Smith was definitely left wanting more – more protection, more yardage, more completions, etc. Known for his stellar play in big games, the Heisman winner played more like Anna Nicole Smith with just four completions for 35 yards. Coach Jim Tressel desperately tried to jump-start the offense, but he could not find a hypnotist to convince Smith that he was playing against Michigan.


Lining up with Florida proved to be far more problematic than the Wolverines. Ohio State had feasted against bowl competition in Arizona, defeating Miami, Kansas State, and Notre Dame over the past four seasons. Of course, that assumes the phrase “bowl competition” can still be used for the Fighting Irish. The Buckeye football program has struggled against the entire SEC, with a 0-8 record against the conference in bowl games. The SEC is looking particularly strong now, as Florida’s Urban Meyer is the conference’s fourth active national championship head coach. He joins Steve Spurrier, Phillip Fullmer, and Nick Saban, unless Saban bolts for another job before I finish this article.


Last night was Ohio State’s second athletic debacle against UF in the past month. The basketball team experienced similar futility on December 23. With the injured Greg Oden back on the court, the third-ranked Buckeyes were confident as they headed to Gainesville to take on another group of national champion Gators. Florida responded with an 86-60 trouncing, as Oden struggled with foul trouble and was outplayed by Al Horford. Taurean Green led a 33-9 second half run that put the Gators in cruise control. Florida coach Billy Donovan spent the last ten minutes drinking egg nog and singing Christmas carols to his assistants.


Perhaps the Buckeyes had foresight of such a result last March. Second-seeded OSU fell to Georgetown 70-52 in the second round of the NCAA tournament. If Thad Matta’s crew had won that contest, Florida would have awaited in the Sweet 16. Most recaps claimed that the Hoyas’ stifling defense had ended the Buckeyes’ season. However, with the specter of the Gators looming, the real culprit was probably herpetophobia – fear of reptiles.


For good measure, last February the UF baseball team trounced Ohio State 10-3. Reflecting on the pattern of blowout losses to the Gators, Gene Smith decided that he’d had enough and put the no-Florida policy into effect. “That school has brought our athletic program nothing but pain recently, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said the AD. “We’d probably lose to them in women’s hockey – we’re ninth in the country and they don’t even have a team,” he continued. “Seriously, they’d just put a few sorority girls on the ice, and they’d be smacking slapshots into our goal!”


The OSU men’s golf team will still honor its prior commitment to participate in the Gator Invitational in Gainesville next month. The program of Jack Nicklaus is bound to be a bunch of hackers that weekend, but Gene Smith does see a silver lining. He noted, “Sure, being in Gainesville will have our guys shooting way over par. But that means they’ll be tearing up their course and leaving divots all over the place!” The comment brought a fit of laughter, which soon deteriorated into weeping.


Otherwise, the faithful in Columbus will no longer have to worry about the Gators. After last night’s dominance by Chris Leak and his mates, the debate over whether Florida belonged in the BCS championship game seems like a distant memory. Last month, Michigan insisted that they should have gotten that berth. Today, for once, the Buckeyes agree with their arch-rivals.

Ohio State vs. Florida: An Early Breakdown

Two weeks after Ohio State ended a perfect regular season, speculation was rampant over who would take on the Buckeyes in the BCS national championship game. Michigan will not get a second chance at its arch-rivals, as the Wolverines were edged by Florida in the final BCS standings. How do the Gators match up with Ohio State? Here is an early analysis.


Nicknames: Gators are lethal animals with a fearsome bite. The Buckeye is the state tree of Ohio, and no one is scared of being eaten by a tree. Unless you’re Charlie Brown’s kite. Advantage: Florida

Legendary Coaches: A high level of excitement can result in a Woody. But guys never talk about getting a Spurrier. Advantage: Ohio State

Current Coaches: Florida’s Urban Meyer earned a master’s degree from Ohio State and was a graduate assistant there. So he has inside information on his opponent, unlike OSU’s Jim Tressel, whose failure to infiltrate the University of Florida shows a lack of preparation. Advantage: Florida

Cities: Gainesville was named after General Edmund P. Gaines, commander of U.S. Army troops in Florida during the Second Seminole War. So both Columbus and Gainesville were named for men with a habit of slaughtering Native Americans. But government offices don’t close for Gaines Day. Advantage: Ohio State

Leading Rushers: DeShawn Wynn leads the Gators, while Antonio Pittman carries the load for the Buckeyes. “Wynn” reminds you of victory, but “Pitt Man” makes you think of a mediocre Big East team. Advantage: Florida

Quarterback Names: After Ohio State’s Troy Smith wins the Heisman Trophy, Troy University and the Men of Troy will participate in bowl games. No bowl invitations went out to Chris Tech or Leak A&M. Advantage: Ohio State

ESPN Football Personalities: OSU’s Kirk Herbstreit is a fixture on the College GameDay crew, while UF’s Erin Andrews reports from the sidelines. Hint on this one: I’m a dude. Advantage: Florida

Jesses: While winning four gold medals in front of Hitler, Ohio State’s Jesse Owens inspired freedom-loving sports fans. As The Bachelor, Florida’s Jesse Palmer inspired reality-TV junkies. Advantage: Ohio State

Griffins: The Gators’ home field is named for benefactor Ben Hill Griffin. But OSU’s Archie Griffin could have asked him, “Hey rich guy, did all that cash get you two Heismans? Didn’t think so!” Advantage: Ohio State

Late-Night Political Satire: The Daily Show shot its “Midwest Midterm Midtacular” on the Ohio State campus, but that was only for four days. Florida’s Darrell Hammond has done his impressions on Saturday Night Live for much longer. I think he joined the show with Joe Piscopo. Advantage: Florida

2006 Championships: The Buckeyes won Big Ten titles in numerous sports this year. However, the Gators took the national championship in basketball, David Eckstein was the World Series MVP, and Emmitt Smith reigned supreme on Dancing With the Stars. Advantage: Florida

Golden Effect: Florida routed the Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles, while Ohio State did the same to the Minnesota Golden Gophers. Florida may be home to The Golden Girls, but OSU’s Jack Nicklaus is the Golden Bear. Advantage: Ohio State

Weekend Campus Debuts: On Saturday, Greg Oden made his initial appearance as a Buckeye in a 78-58 victory over Valparaiso. Whatever firsts took place in Gainesville this weekend, I’m sure none of them involved the top pick in the next NBA draft. Advantage: Ohio State

Award-Winning Actresses: OSU’s Patricia Heaton won two Emmys for Everybody Loves Raymond, but Florida’s Faye Dunaway trumps her with an Oscar for Network. And in Mommie Dearest, she was much scarier than the vaunted Buckeye defense. Advantage: Florida

Inventions: Florida professor Robert Cade invented Gatorade. Roy Plunkett invented Teflon after getting a Ph.D. from Ohio State. Winners don’t get Teflon dumped on their head. Advantage: Florida

The Apprentice: Florida grad Kendra Todd won season 3 of Donald Trump’s competition. However, being an apprentice means that you’re not the top dog. Advantage: Ohio State

2003 Fiesta Bowl: The last time the BCS national championship game was played in Arizona, Ohio State defeated a team from Florida with a second-year coach. Gator fans, watch out for those pass interference flags. Advantage: Ohio State


Tallying up the results, it’s Ohio State 9, Florida 8. Assuming that will be the final score, you can expect a late Buckeye field goal to overcome an 8-6 deficit and bring home the championship.

Florida Adds Chicago Bears To Schedule

Gainesville is abuzz these days as the 5-0 Florida Gators embark on a huge October. The fifth-ranked Gators will be tested with showdowns throughout the month. Now the slate has gotten even more challenging. Today coach Urban Meyer announced that Florida has added an October 21 matchup with the Chicago Bears to the schedule.


The additional game rounds out a daunting October for the Gators. This Saturday, they host #9 LSU. The following week, they travel to Auburn to take on the second-ranked Tigers. October 28 brings the annual hostilities in Jacksonville with #10 Georgia. With all that excitement, the open date on the 21st stuck out like a sore thumb. Therefore, athletic department officials looked for the best opponent available, and that weekend happened to coincide with the bye on Chicago’s schedule. Coach Lovie Smith agreed to take his Monsters of the Midway to The Swamp. Now the marketing department for UF football is billing October as “Bulldogs and Tigers and Bears – Oh My!”


Many NFL insiders are stunned that Chicago would choose to play the game. With the physical toll on players during the course of the season, the bye week allows a valuable opportunity to rest and recover from injuries. However, the 4-0 Bears are considered major contenders for the Super Bowl, to be played in Miami. The trip to Gainesville will allow them to get acclimated to playing in the Sunshine State. Also, the following two games on Chicago’s schedule are matchups at home versus the San Francisco 49ers and Miami Dolphins. So those are basically bye weeks anyway.


The game’s predominant storyline will be the return of Bears quarterback and former Gator Rex Grossman to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Grossman has been excellent so far this season, as Soldier Field’s long-standing ban on quality quarterbacks has apparently been lifted. UF is also well-represented on Chicago’s fearsome defense with end Alex Brown, nose tackle Ian Scott, and safety Todd Johnson. Florida quarterback Chris Leak is hoping that their love for the university will cause them to go easy on him, allowing him to rack up big numbers and enhance his Heisman chances. Unfortunately for Leak, however, Brian Urlacher went to New Mexico.


The showdown will represent the most anticipated Florida-Chicago matchup since the 2003 National League Championship Series. Windy City fans will be eager for payback, having experienced heartbreak as the Marlins overcame a 3-1 deficit to end the Cubs’ World Series dreams. Inspired by that series, Meyer has invited Steve Bartman to suit up as a defensive back for the Gators. The Florida coach feels that Bartman can consistently deflect balls away from Chicago players.


At first glance, it may seem absurd for a college team to take the field against a Super Bowl contender like the Bears. The Gators’ task is even more daunting in light of Chicago’s 37-6 mauling of the defending NFC champion Seattle Seahawks. However, Florida has many reasons for being confident about an upset. The Gators have already won at Tennessee, where a team called the Bears (California) was thrashed. Also, while a bear usually would be expected to win a fight against a gator, the one place a gator has a chance is in The Swamp.


Most importantly, Florida is certain that it can take advantage of Chicago cornerback Ricky Manning, Jr. He played college football at UCLA, a school that in April was blown out by Florida in a notable sporting event. Also, despite a home loss to Ole Miss in 2003, the Gators are always eager to welcome a Manning to The Swamp.


Florida will have its hands full before then with LSU and Auburn. After those SEC showdowns, most prognosticators will expect the Bears to have their way on October 21. If the Gators do lose that day, they can take solace from a November visitor to Gainesville – South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier. That Gator couldn’t beat NFL teams, either.