Ten More Longs For The First Round

The NFL draft begins Saturday at 3:00pm Eastern time. The Miami Dolphins have already decided to make Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long the #1 overall pick. Soon to go after him, possibly as high as #2, will be Virginia defensive end Chris Long. Chris’s father Howie Long was taken in round two in 1981, but this year’s first round will be all about the Longs. Beyond Jake and Chris, look for these other Longs to be chosen in round one.


3. Atlanta Falcons: Nia Long. The Third Watch star goes third, and as in Big Momma’s House, she’ll be set in Georgia. To make her feel at home, the Falcons’ staff will wear wigs and fat suits.

6. New York Jets: Justin Long. The Mac pitchman should feel at home near the Big Apple.

7. New England Patriots: Shelley Long. Her glory days on Cheers were set in Boston. Coincidentally, most of those shows were secretly filmed on the opponent’s sideline.

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Amy Fisher (“Long Island Lolita”). She knows how to handle a gun, so it’s a perfect fit.

10. New Orleans Saints: Huey Long. The political legend from Louisiana has been dead since 1935. But his home state team has rarely shown much life, either.

12. Denver Broncos: Lionel Richie (“All Night Long”). The team led by Vanderbilt’s Jay Cutler picks another former leader of The Commodores.

13. Carolina Panthers: Jay Bilas. He has to be included in any draft in which the word “Long” is constantly used.

16. Arizona Cardinals: Long Duk Dong. The character from Sixteen Candles goes at #16. His habit of drunkenly falling out of trees drops him from the top 10.

21. Washington Redskins: Long Dong Silver. A porn star made famous during the Clarence Thomas confirmation process, he becomes a big name in DC once again.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Long John Silver. He was actually a Pirate, but this is a way better team to play for in Pittsburgh.

"Gunslinger" Retired By Sports Media Organization

Tuesday marked the end of an era in Green Bay, as legendary quarterback Brett Favre retired from the National Football League. His bust in Canton will be ready for him in 2013. Today, Favre was the recipient of a more immediate honor. The National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association announced today that the term “gunslinger” will be retired from further use by all sports media.


During the course of his career, Favre’s aggressive approach to passing made the “gunslinger” label become ubiquitous. Eventually, a law was passed mandating that “gunslinger” must be used during every Packers broadcast and any article focusing on Favre. A similar law is in effect for Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville and the phrase “riverboat gambler,” as well as Alex Rodriguez and “October choker.”


Since the term is so synonymous with Favre, the NSSA decided that it should not be bestowed on any other athlete in the future. The honor is similar to Major League Baseball’s retiring the number 42 for all clubs in honor of Jackie Robinson. The National Hockey League did the same for Wayne Gretzky’s number 99. Given his impact on the game, Favre seems a perfect choice as an NFL player to receive such an honor. The closest NBA equivalent was the retiring of the word “respectability,” but that action only applied to the Eastern Conference.


Ironically, Favre was labeled as a gunslinger without displaying an actual gun. In that respect, he was quite different from many of his NFL contemporaries. After the news of the gunslinger’s retirement became public, Tank Johnson appeared to pay tribute by firing endless rounds of ammunition into the air. In reality, Johnson was unaware of the news and was simply following his normal Tuesday ritual.


As of now, the use of “gunslinger” will be restricted to the endless retrospectives about Favre’s career. The only way the term can be applied to an active player is if Favre pulls a Sugar Ray Leonard or Michael Jordan and reneges on his retirement decision. Frank Caliendo, who is now legally recognized as John Madden, will be holding a constant vigil in hopes of such a scenario. In the meantime, other Green Bay staples such as Cheeseheads and the Lambeau Leap will continue. Unfortunately for football fans, so will Chris Berman’s “frozen tundra” references, which became stale around the same time as New Kids on the Block.


As the action in honor of Brett Favre takes effect, it is appropriate to reflect on those who originally inspired the term “gunslinger.” Legends of the Old West were renowned for their slick handling of a pistol. Billy the Kid himself had many things in common with the newly-retired Packer. For years it was believed that Billy was killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett. However, Billy actually ended his gunslinging days himself in a very different manner. He left a voicemail message for Chris Mortensen.

Perfection Denied, From 1 To 19

In a historic upset Sunday, the New York Giants stunned the previously undefeated New England Patriots 17-14 to win Super Bowl XLII. The Pats had been expected to cap off an unprecedented 19-0 season, but they ended up 35 seconds short of their goal. Here’s a by-the-numbers look, from 1 to 19, at perfection denied.


1: Notre Dame’s ranking in November 1993, before an upset by Boston College. So the whole “ruining a perfect season” thing is old hat for Tom Coughlin.

2: As in Rocky II, which showed that sometimes the overwhelming underdog doesn’t win until the rematch. Next, the Giants get to take on Clubber Lang.

3: Margin by which New York defeated Miami at Wembley Stadium in the first regular-season NFL game played outside of North America. As of now, every NFL team to win a regular season game in London has gone on to win the Super Bowl.

4: Receptions during the entire regular season by the Giants’ David Tyree. So in the Super Bowl, it’s only natural that he caught a touchdown and had an insanely amazing catch on the game-winning drive.

5: New York’s seed in the NFC playoffs, marking the third consecutive year a team playing on wild card weekend went on to win the Super Bowl. Next year, look for the top two seeds to refuse their opening round bye.

6: Computer rankings used by the BCS. The NFL would rather have a playoff, allowing the Giants the chance to play their way to a championship. I know, it’s crazy.

7: Feature films directed by Michael Bay, a graduate of Wesleyan. Unlike fellow Wesleyan alum Bill Belichick, he’s SUPPOSED to be known for his filming activity.

8: Surprisingly low number of Brady Bunch episodes with an appearance by Sam the Butcher, played by Allan Melvin. Melvin died on January 17, providing a distraction for all Bradys.

9: Carries on Sunday by New York’s Ahmad Bradshaw, for 45 yards. As Super Bowl history has shown, it’s good to have a Bradshaw on your side.

10: 1979 film in which Bo Derek represented perfection. Unfortunately for the Patriots, perfection in the NFL was also a 70’s thing.

11: Consecutive victories for New York outside of Giants Stadium. Like most people, their outlook improves just by leaving New Jersey.

12: Points by which New England was favored on Sunday, as fans of every other team pulled for the Giants. Because nothing says “lovable underdog” more than a New York team.

13: Super Bowls won by quarterbacks drafted #1 overall, now that Eli Manning has joined the list. Tim Couch could do it too, if someone would just give him the chance!

14: Ranking of Some Like It Hot on the American Film Institute’s 1998 list of the 100 best American films. Its famous last line was: “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

15: Age of Miley Cyrus, a/k/a Hannah Montana, whose concert movie is currently #1 at the box office. In crunch time, Eli did his own Montana impression.

16: Points scored by New England in the “Tuck Rule” game, which began its remarkable post-season success under Belichick. This time, Justin’s pass rush had Giants fans screaming, “Tuck Rules!!!”

17: Jersey number of Plaxico Burress, who had predicted that the Patriots would score 17. Instead, his winning touchdown put the Giants at 17, much to the delight of those 17-0 Dolphins.

18: Games won by the 1985 Bears, the last 18-1 team before New England. That Super Bowl wasn’t much fun for Pats fans either.

19: Like the Patriots, I didn’t quite manage to finish this one.

Other Bold Predictions From Plaxico

This week, Plaxico Burress made headlines by predicting that his underdog New York Giants will beat the undefeated New England Patriots 23-17 in Sunday’s Super Bowl. What went unreported is that Burress made several other bold predictions for the upcoming weekend. Here’s a look at Plaxico’s other prognostications.


The Patriots’ opening drive will stall, after Tom Brady receives a 15-yard penalty for “Excessive Dreaminess.”

The Memphis Tigers will be stunned at home by UTEP on Saturday, because no one leaves this weekend undefeated.

Like many dropouts, Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards will hitchhike across America and try to find themselves.

Cate Blanchett will be booted from the Oscar race after a positive steroid test.

A Super Bowl commercial will spark controversy by not including any Mannings.

During Sunday mass, Pope Benedict XVI will reference “the Gospel of Larry the Cable Guy…”

Skies in Des Moines will be mostly cloudy with a slight chance of precipitation.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will open the Super Bowl halftime show with “Baby Got Back.”

As a Minnesota sports star, Adrian Peterson will prepare for his upcoming trade to a team in the Northeast.

Punxsutawney Phil will see his shadow, resulting in six more weeks of the writers’ strike.

Auburn University will expel students supporting Barack Obama, since he has “Bama” in his name.

Sit ‘N Sleep will beat anyone’s advertised price or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

After cutting interest rates, the Federal Reserve will announce plans to cut the Knicks’ payroll.

Ozzy Osbourne will demand that February be changed from Black History Month to Black Sabbath History Month.

The 2008 Pro Football Hall of Fame class will include the guy who invented the Cheesehead.

Giants' Request: Move Super Bowl To Foxborough

The matchup for Super Bowl XLII is set, as the underdog New York Giants will attempt to knock off the undefeated New England Patriots. The showdown is scheduled for February 3 in Glendale, Arizona, but the NFC champions reportedly want a change of venue. According to a source close to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the Giants have requested that the game be moved to Gillette Stadium in Foxborough.


On that site yesterday, the Patriots moved one step closer to history with a 21-12 victory over the San Diego Chargers in the AFC championship game. The Giants punched their ticket by winning a 23-20 overtime classic in Green Bay. The NFC matchup was most notable for the frigid conditions at Lambeau Field, reminiscent of the Ice Bowl in 1967. Or as it would be known today, the Ben & Jerry’s Ice Bowl Presented by Frigidaire.


The triumph was New York’s third straight on an opponent’s home field in these playoffs. The Giants seem to thrive in front of the hostile opposing fans, much more than they do before the hostile home fans. Overall, the Giants have not lost a road game since the season opener at Dallas on September 9. For these New Yorkers in 2007, everything changed after 9/11. Therefore, during his presidential campaign, Rudy Giuliani is taking credit for the Giants’ road success.


Head Coach Tom Coughlin remarked that New York is entitled to another game on an opponent’s home field. He pointed out that the Giants’ “road” game against Miami was actually at a neutral site in London. Therefore, playing the “neutral site” Super Bowl on the Pats’ home field would only be fair. Coughlin added, “This neutral site thing doesn’t work for us. We beat a 1-15 team by a measly three points. So what hope do we have against an 18-0 team on a neutral site? Let us go to their place, where we have a chance!”


The Patriots, of course, are perfect at Gillette Stadium this season. However, New York General Manager Jerry Reese enthusiastically echoed his coach’s comments, saying, “They’re undefeated – they deserve a home game!” Reese also pointed out, “Boston just hosted the World Series, and it will probably host the NBA Finals. So no matter what sport, Boston fans feel entitled to host the championship round. Why should we get in the way of that?”


Despite their arguments, the Giants’ request is unlikely to be granted. While the Super Bowl crowns the NFL champions, the event’s reach goes well beyond football. Huge numbers of parties and corporate events have already been scheduled for Arizona. Reese countered, “The Super Bowl is supposed to be for football fans, not big corporations.” At that point, even he doubled over in laughter at the absurdity of his statement.


Besides the logistical nightmare of a last-minute rescheduling, the other huge stumbling block to a Foxborough Super Bowl would be the weather concerns. Early February in Massachusetts, in an outdoor stadium, could bring a blizzard for the showcase game. Coughlin pointed out, “Well, what about last year? They had it in Miami, and it rained like hell!” Inclement weather could even the playing field against the Patriots, but Coughlin has another reason to wish this year’s Super Bowl were like last year. He has a Manning on his side, but the opposing quarterback is definitely not Rex Grossman.


As it stands, the Giants will likely have to endure the huge disadvantage of a neutral field, instead of the comforts of the hostile crowd in Foxborough. However, they can still find reason for hope, thanks to their narrow defeat to New England in the regular season finale. As Michael Strahan proclaimed, “We almost beat them before. And this time, we won’t have to play them at our place!”

10 Things To Look For On MLK Day

This Monday, the most enduring figure of the Civil Rights Movement will be honored on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The NBA will be highly visible on the holiday, with 13 games scheduled. Besides the on-court action, here are 10 other things to look for in the sports world on MLK Day.


The Houston Rockets will trade Luther Head to Sacramento, where he will join Kevin Martin. So you’ll see Martin and Luther on the Kings.

The New England Patriots will refer to MLK Day as MK Day, since the letter “L” doesn’t apply to them.

Sprinter Tim will refuse to watch footage of Jerome Bettis, thereby imposing a Montgomery Bus Boycott.

Roger Clemens will stick up for another player named in the Mitchell Report, proclaiming: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to David Justice everywhere.”

John Calipari will join the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, explaining, “Finally, I’m in a Conference that's worth something!”

After LeBron asks who wrote the 95 Theses in 1517, a teammate will reply, “Martin Luther, King James.”

A high-scoring NBA guard of the 70s and 80s will recall the day he changed his name: “World B. Free at last, World B. Free at last, thank God almighty I’m World B. Free at last.”

Appropriately on a holiday honoring a Junior, Ken Griffey and Dale Earnhardt will have the day off.

Rudy Tomjanovich will explain why he coached two NBA champions: “I had The Dream.”

The Redskins will trade Clinton Portis to Buffalo for Marshawn Lynch as part of their “Marshawn Washington” tribute.

All About the Turners For Chargers

Next weekend, the Indianapolis Colts were supposed to have another AFC Championship showdown with the New England Patriots. However, the San Diego Chargers will make the trip to Foxborough instead, after closing out the RCA Dome with a 28-24 upset on Sunday. The triumph provided vindication for first-year coach Norv Turner, whose predecessor Marty Schottenheimer never took San Diego to the conference championship game. Among other unlikely heroes, Norv can thank backup running back Michael Turner, who replaced injured star LaDainian Tomlinson and rushed for 71 yards. Indeed, the Turner influence is all around for these Chargers.


Tina Turner once sang, “We don’t need another hero,” but San Diego needed heroes wherever it could find them after LT was injured. Missing their superstar, the Chargers were like Turner & Hooch without Tom Hanks. Michael Turner is considered a fine back, but in Pirates of the Caribbean terms, he’s the Will Turner next to LT’s Captain Jack Sparrow. Quarterback Philip Rivers was also knocked out, so Norv Turner figured to meet the same fate versus the Indianapolis defense as brother Ron Turner, offensive coordinator for Chicago in last year’s Super Bowl. Granted, Ron Turner’s problem was that HIS quarterback stayed healthy.


Still, the Chargers persevered before the cameras of CBS, not to be confused with TBS (Turner Broadcasting System). Led by Shawne Merriman and Antonio Cromartie, the defense was as hard-hitting as Ike Turner. Whereas Lana Turner was Oscar-nominated for Peyton Place, San Diego gave an award-worthy performance in Peyton’s place. The improbable result was the biggest win in San Diego sports since the Padres took down the Braves in the 1998 NLCS, to the chagrin of Ted Turner.


Now, with an injured roster headed to New England, the Chargers will need some Strong Medicine for their Northern Exposure (both series starring Janine Turner). On February 3, most NFL fans expect Tom Brady to collect his fourth Super Bowl ring, like former San Francisco linebacker Keena Turner. However, San Diego wants to pull a shocker like the Jets in Super Bowl III, in which Jim Turner kicked three field goals and an extra point. Speaking of those Jets, I guarantee Joe Namath wants to kiss Kathleen Turner.


Indeed, like Bachman Turner Overdrive, the Chargers vow, “You ain’t seen nothing yet” as they attempt to knock off the undefeated Patriots. If they succeed, just one step will remain. Or in the profound words of Warrant (founded by Erik Turner), “Heaven isn’t too far away.”

NFL Playoffs: The Collins Edition

Sunday in the NFL, the Washington Redskins and Tennessee Titans both claimed the last post-season berth in their respective conferences. The Redskins completed an improbable late-season run led by forgotten quarterback Todd Collins. The Titans also had a Collins under center, as Kerry Collins replaced injured starter Vince Young and rallied Tennessee past Indianapolis.

None of the other ten playoff teams have a quarterback named Collins. However, each of them does relate to a notable Collins in some way. Here’s a look, in order of seeding.


AFC:

New England Patriots: Mary Cathleen Collins. Better known as Bo Derek, she’s a perfect 10. The Pats are a perfect 16 and counting.

Indianapolis Colts: Joan Collins. “Dynasty” is the key word, as the Colts hope to repeat. No word on whether they’ve been in cat-fights with Linda Evans.

San Diego Chargers: Doug Collins. He’s a 3-time NBA head coach who works with TNT. Norv Turner is a 3-time NFL head coach who works with LT.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Fort Collins. That’s the location of Colorado State, alma mater of starting linebacker Clark Haggans. Since CSU was 3-9 this year, this is the only way to link the school to a winning football team.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Eileen Collins. She was the first female commander of a space shuttle. Similarly, the Jags hope to make history after they take off from the east coast of Florida.

NFC:

Dallas Cowboys: Gary Collins. From 1982 to 1990, he was surrounded by babes as host of the Miss America pageant. Tony Romo is surrounded by babes as quarterback of America’s Team.

Green Bay Packers: Phil Collins. Yes, Green Bay’s roster includes free safety Nick Collins. But no playoff team had fewer rushing yards, so they prefer to keep the ball In the Air Tonight.

Seattle Seahawks: Tom Collins. The cocktail can impair your ability to drive and make you pass out. Pro Bowler Patrick Kerney does the same to opposing quarterbacks.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jarron & Jason Collins. Like the NBA big men, Ronde Barber knows what it’s like to have a twin brother in the league.

New York Giants: Francis Collins. He’s the director of the National Human Genome Research Institute. Eli Manning also knows the importance of genes.


Sorry, there’s no room for Bootsy Collins on the playoff list. He’s a Bengals fan.

Other Channels Carrying Patriots-Giants

This Saturday, the New England Patriots look to complete the first-ever 16-0 NFL regular season when they pay the New York Giants a visit. The matchup was originally scheduled to be aired only on the NFL Network, unavailable to most viewers. However, on Wednesday the NFL announced that NBC and CBS will simulcast the NFL Network’s feed during Saturday’s contest.

The league later decided that this step did not go far enough. Therefore, the NFL has expanded coverage of the game to numerous other networks. Here are the other channels that will now carry Saturday’s showdown.


ABC, Fox, CW: Might as well get all the broadcast networks involved – they’re suffering through the writers’ strike, too!

History Channel: Forget Ancient Egypt or World War II. 16-0 is REAL history.

HBO: It has a good track record with violent shows set in New Jersey.

Animal Planet: The broadcast will raise awareness of an endangered group of Dolphins.

CSPAN: The excitement of its typical programming will be matched by a Bill Belichick press conference.

Disney Channel: He’s not Hannah, but Tom Brady does get compared to Montana.

BBC America: The Giants won in London earlier this season, so they’re basically Britain’s team.

TNT: Only if the game is close. TNT: We Know Drama.

HGTV (Home and Garden): The Giants play Home games in the Garden State.

Food Network: The hosts will advise the 1972 Dolphins on suitable substitutes for champagne.

MTV: It has featured lots of hidden camera shows. So have the Patriots in Giants Stadium.

Big Ten Network: The NFL Network gets to show Indiana in the Insight Bowl, so there has to be an exchange the other way.

E: Short for “Eli.”

Home Shopping Network: Find out how you can get bargains like Randy Moss and Wes Welker.

Court TV: Actually, it carried the NFL Network broadcast two weeks ago, when the Bengals played.

TLC: Contrary to popular belief, it stands not for The Learning Channel, but Tom “Lovable” Coughlin.

TV Land: It’s always happy to feature a Brady Bunch.

Travel Channel: Chances are, by halftime Giants fans will be focused on that trip to Tampa Bay.

Boldin, Sims To Play For FSU In Bowl Game

After a week of turmoil, prospects seem to have brightened for the Florida State football program. First, offensive coordinator and head coach-in-waiting Jimbo Fisher decided to stay in Tallahassee instead of taking the top job at West Virginia. Now comes word that a pair of former Seminoles will lend head coach Bobby Bowden a hand. Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin and Lions linebacker Ernie Sims will suit up for FSU in next Monday’s Music City Bowl versus Kentucky.


The short-handed Seminoles will welcome the assistance, as 36 players will not be making the trip to Nashville. Some absentees will be due to injuries, but most of them were involved in an online academic cheating scandal. The issue has caused significant embarrassment for the 7-5 Seminoles. As one disgusted FSU fan put it, “The standards here have really taken a nose dive. At Florida State, we demand renegades who play for the national championship, not renegades who lose to Wake Forest!”


The issue does come with a bit of karma. Cheat at a music history course, and you miss the Music City Bowl. The same standard apparently applies to all Bowden-coached teams. Therefore, Clemson will have to take on Auburn without three players who were caught cheating in their Chick-Fil-A class.


As young NFL stars, Boldin and Sims will certainly provide a lift to the Noles. Both players left Tallahassee with one year of eligibility remaining, so in an unusual decision, the NCAA allowed them to play in one more bowl game. Reportedly, because Boldin and Sims play for Arizona and Detroit, the NCAA felt that they would otherwise never again have the opportunity to play post-season football.


Boldin actually has experience stepping in for suspended Seminoles in a bowl game. Five years ago, with FSU’s top two quarterbacks barred from action, Boldin shifted from wideout to quarterback in a Sugar Bowl loss to Georgia. He won’t have to change positions this time, but he will have to travel from Phoenix to Nashville and take the field just one day after his regular season NFL finale. Fortunately, Sunday’s game is against the Rams defense, so it’s not like he’ll have to exert himself.


Meanwhile, Sims will provide valuable assistance for the FSU defense. The Noles also had hoped to add San Diego cornerback Antonio Cromartie – another early NFL entrant – but he’ll be busy preparing for the first round of the playoffs. One day after facing Brett Favre, at least for part of the game, Sims will line up versus Andre Woodson and the high-powered Wildcats offense. Sims will surely find it strange for his Seminoles to be an underdog against Kentucky. Even more bizarre will be the scene after the game, when UK fans will dread the end of football season and reluctantly turn their attention to hoops.


Speaking of strange developments, the mere participation of Boldin and Sims on Monday comes as a shock to many football fans. But when it comes to these two players, one thing is even more surprising. Between the wide receiver and the linebacker, it’s the LINEBACKER who was a first round pick by the Lions.

Top Christmas Toys - For Football Coaches

It’s that time of year again, when kids around the country clamor for the most popular toys as Christmas gifts. The most coveted presents of all can be found here. These prized items – 10 for boys and 10 for girls - can bring joy not only to children, but to football coaches in college and the NFL. Granted, the only fat guy kids care about is Santa Claus, not Mark Mangino or Ralph Friedgen. But here’s a look at those coveted toys, and which coaches would be appropriate recipients of them as gifts.


TOP 10 TOYS FOR BOYS:

TMX Cookie Monster & TMX Ernie: Herman Edwards. The Chiefs coach will impart a valuable lesson to the Sesame Street characters. “Why do we play?” Not to build friendships, or smile, or share things, but to “Win the game!”

LEGO Mindstorms: Eric Mangini. “Mindstorms” should appeal to the “Mangenius.” Oh wait, this one should have been on the 2006 list.

Pleo Dinosaur: Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden. They’d get to consult with one of their contemporaries.

Transformers Toys: Urban Meyer. He’ll add to his existing transformer – a quarterback who transforms into a fullback.

Nintendo DS: Brad Childress. Since Darren Sharper and Dwight Smith each had a pick-6 last week, the Vikings coach is happy to add another “DS.”

Nintendo Wii: Cam Cameron. Unlike the Dolphins, at least “Wii” has a W.

R/C Spy Video Car: Bill Belichick. Duh.

Kid Tough Digital Camera: June Jones. Considering his Warriors’ schedule, the Hawaii coach is used to things that are kid-tough.

EyeClops Bionic Eye: Houston Nutt. Taking over at Ole Miss, which went winless in the SEC, he’ll need vision that no one else seems to have.

Power Guitar: Lane Kiffin. Since he works for Al Davis, it’s the only way he’ll get any power.

TOP 10 TOYS FOR GIRLS:

Webkinz: Nick Saban. The coveted plush toys inspired a craze, before shortages ensued. The coveted Bama coach inspired crazed fans, before a victory shortage ensued.

FurReal Friends: Dennis Franchione. Having been forced out at Texas A&M, he could probably use some friends these days.

iDog, iCat, and iFish: Mark Richt, Rich Brooks, and Jeff Fisher. They’re Dawg, Cat, and Fish, respectively.

Kid Tough Digital Camera: I just said June Jones! Pay attention, dammit!

Barbie Girls: Wade Phillips. As Tony Romo’s coach, he’s used to having blondes around.

2007 Holiday Collector Barbie: Lloyd Carr. Like the special-edition doll, you won’t see him next year either.

Hannah Montana Singing Doll: Mike Nolan. The 49ers coach desperately needs a Montana on his team.

Digi Makeover: Bill Callahan. He can only hope his next makeover works better than the one he tried in Lincoln.

FurReal Friends Butterscotch Pony: Tom Coughlin. He’ll settle for a pony, but as far as Mannings go, he’d rather have a Colt.

Amazing Allysen: Les Miles. The “AA” initials appeal to him, whether it’s Amazing Allysen or Ann Arbor.

Bay Area Blues

Much has been made about the amazing run currently enjoyed by Boston sports teams. While the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics have made life great for fans in Beantown, it’s a different story in Northern California. The Golden Gate Bridge may be picturesque, but the sports landscape has been downright hideous in the Bay Area lately. Only the first-place San Jose Sharks have been thriving, and since they play hockey, you’re probably not interested. Otherwise, in just over the past week, here’s an ugly rundown of Bay Area sports.


November 10:

Cal falls 24-17 at home to USC. Before the season, this looked like one of the games of the year. Now College GameDay decides that Williams-Amherst is a better option. Okay, the Pats, Sox, and Celtics I can understand, but is ESPN THAT fixated on Massachusetts now?

Stanford loses 33-17 to lowly Washington State. On the bright side, the 3-7 Cardinal gets two weeks off – a bye, then a visit from Notre Dame.

November 11:

The Raiders fall 17-6 at home to the Bears. Somehow, Oakland allows the phrase “Rex Grossman heroics” to be used.

November 12:

The 49ers get shut out 24-0 by the Seahawks. “49ers” now refers to their total yardage per game.

November 13:

Vinny Testaverde turns 44. Unfortunately for 49er fans, an old guy’s playing quarterback, and it’s not Joe Montana. Not to be confused with Joe Mantegna, who turns 60 on this day. Yeah, it’s a stretch, but Tuesday’s a slow sports day. Cut me some slack!

November 14:

The Warriors lose 111-104 at home to the Pistons, falling to 0-6 on the season. I’m guessing they’re not quite as high on Jessica Alba’s social calendar these days.

November 15:

Giants’ icon Barry Bonds is indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. For once, Barry doesn’t get a free pass.

November 16:

Okay, some good news: Golden State finally gets into the win column, taking down the Clippers 122-105. Sorry Jessica, didn’t mean to imply that you’d jump ship just yet!

November 17:

Cal loses 37-23 at cellar-dwelling Washington. Once on the cusp of #1, the Golden Bears are now 6-5. At least they won’t have to worry about getting screwed by the BCS.

San Jose State falls 27-23 to Louisiana Tech, eliminating the Spartans from bowl consideration. They already should have been ineligible, since they’re crappy enough to be on Hawaii’s schedule.

The Stanford football team is off, and so is the basketball team, in a 79-67 upset by Siena.

November 18:

The 49ers drop their eighth straight in a 13-9 home setback to the Rams. They thereby enhance their draft position - for the Patriots, who own San Francisco’s first-rounder next spring. I’ll pause now, to allow NFL fans outside of New England to puke.

With a 29-22 defeat at Minnesota, the Raiders lose their sixth in a row. Which makes them the hottest NFL team in the Bay Area.

A’s utility whiz Marco Scutaro is traded to Toronto. Maybe he’s not a franchise player, but it’s just fun to say “Marco Scutaro.”

Adrians & Petersons

This week in the NFL was supposed to be all about the showdown between the Colts and Patriots. And the best running back in the Chargers-Vikings matchup was assumed to be LaDainian Tomlinson. But Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson proved to be the top star on Sunday. The rookie standout from Oklahoma rushed for 296 yards, one more than the previous single-game record held by Jamal Lewis. In honor of the historic achievement, here’s how Adrian Peterson compares to other Adrians and Petersons.


Adrian Peterson: Has won once in Soldier Field this season.
Adrian Peterson (the one on the Bears): Has won once in Soldier Field this season.

Adrian Gonzalez: Hit over .300 for San Diego in 2006.
Adrian Peterson: Almost hit 300 yards vs. San Diego in 2007.

Norm Peterson: Buddies shouted “Norm!” to him in Cheers.
Adrian Peterson: Fans shouted cheers to him in Norman.

Adrian Dantley: NBA Rookie of the Year in 1977.
Adrian Peterson: Will be NFL Rookie of the Year in 2007.

Adrian Pasdar: Heroes star who appeals to sci-fi geeks.
Adrian Peterson: Gridiron star who appeals to fantasy geeks.

William Petersen: Puts up huge numbers on CBS on Thursday nights.
Adrian Peterson: Put up huge numbers on CBS on Sunday afternoon.

Adrian Balboa: Husband Rocky’s victories brought joy to Philadelphia.
Adrian Peterson: Last week, opposing Eagles’ victory brought joy to Philadelphia.

Adrian Peterson: On draft day, skeptics focused on his injured collarbone.
Cassandra Peterson: AKA Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, so observers focus on two of her body parts.

Adrian Beltre: As a Dodger, was runner-up for the 2004 MVP.
Adrian Peterson: As a Sooner, was runner-up for the 2004 Heisman.

Adrian Peterson: Young man who likes to score.
Adrian Lyne: Director of Lolita, about a young girl who likes to score.

Morris Peterson: First-year Hornet who plays next to Chris Paul.
Adrian Peterson: First-year Viking who plays next to St. Paul.

Adrian Peterson: On the wrong side of last year’s Fiesta Bowl classic.
Chris Petersen: Boise State coach on the right side of last year’s Fiesta Bowl classic.

Adrian Young: Drummer for No Doubt on “Hella Good” and “Running.”
Adrian Peterson: No doubt, a hell of a good running back.

Adrian Peterson: Father was recently released from prison.
Scott Peterson: Will never get released from prison.

Adrian Zmed: Huge star in the mid-80s.
Adrian Peterson: Huge star who was born in the mid-80s.

Julian Peterson: Bolsters the Seattle Seahawks defense.
Adrian Peterson: Flusters every NFC defense.

Wolfgang Petersen: Directed the movie smash Troy.
Adrian Peterson: In the Orange Bowl, was smashed by the men of Troy.

Adrian Grenier: Hit the jackpot as Vincent Chase.
Adrian Peterson: Hits paydirt while defenders give chase.

Rockies To Take On Steelers This Sunday

Monday night, the Colorado Rockies completed a sweep over the Arizona Diamondbacks to advance to their first World Series. Their layoff will reach nine days before opening the Fall Classic, so there is concern that the red-hot Rockies could lose their momentum before taking on the Red Sox or Indians. However, manager Clint Hurdle has devised a way to keep his club fresh in the meantime. The Rockies will step in for the Denver Broncos and take on the Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday night.


The Steelers were already planning to go to Denver this weekend, so their travel plans will not change. However, while they prepared for the Broncos, the Rockies are a completely different animal. Both Denver teams won on September 16. Subsequently, the Rocks are 20-1, while the Broncos are 0-3. Colorado has dominated in Coors Field and Chase Field, so Invesco Field seems to be a logical next step. The scorching ballclub has little in common with the slumping Broncos, unless a young Rockie or two was fathered by Travis Henry.


Skeptics will claim that a major league baseball club, even on a historic run, will have no chance against a top-level NFL team like Pittsburgh. However, Colorado has numerous factors in its favor. In the Steelers’ only trip out west this season, they fell to the Arizona Cardinals. The Rockies, on the other hand, are 3-0 versus foes from Pennsylvania this month. Furthermore, National League clubs tend to be very successful when they face an opponent from Pittsburgh.


Also, while the Steelers have numerous stars, the Rockies seem to match up with each of them. Troy Polamalu can be answered by Troy Tulowitzki. Willie Parker gets balanced by Willy Taveras. And Ben Roethlisberger will be unable to throw the deep ball, since the footballs will be stored in a humidor.


Colorado, for its part, will respond with Todd Helton at quarterback. Helton, as frequently noted, backed up Peyton Manning at Tennessee. Manning is more than happy to help his old college buddy, since a Pittsburgh loss could help Indianapolis with its AFC playoff position down the road. Reportedly, Peyton’s most important piece of advice for beating the Steelers was “keep Vanderjagt off the roster.” Helton is unlikely to put up Manning-type numbers, but he can also be successful handing off the ball. This month the Rockies have been quite proficient at running sweeps.


While many fans will be intrigued to see if Colorado can continue its hot streak in a different sport, there are some dissenters. Chief among them is NBC, which is televising the game on Sunday night. After seeing the ratings for the NLCS, the network wanted no part of the Rockies in prime time. Also, MVP candidate Matt Holliday is adamantly against competing in an NFL game. Thinking back to the decisive play at the plate versus San Diego, he refuses to play a sport that uses instant replay.


Regardless of what happens on Sunday, Colorado will then turn back to its primary goal of winning the World Series. Like the Steelers two seasons ago, the Rockies hope to win a championship as a wild card team. As for Pittsburgh, it must quickly adjust its focus before this weekend. Champ Bailey won’t be waiting, but the NL champs will.

A Robert Redford Guide To Football's Unbeatens

For many sports fans, Robert Redford is best remembered as mysterious baseball slugger Roy Hobbs in The Natural. However, the screen legend currently has a stronger connection to football - specifically to the remaining unbeaten college and NFL teams. In All the President’s Men, his Bob Woodward turned Washington on its ear, whereas Ohio State and Arizona State have knocked Washington on its rear. ASU has Sun Devils, while Redford has Sundance. New England and Indianapolis are reminding the AFC of The Way We Were – competing for last year’s Super Bowl berth. And for whatever reason, the NCAA still regards a top-division football playoff as an Indecent Proposal.

Redford’s films share additional connections to each of the thus-far perfect teams. Here’s a rundown.

NFL:

New England Patriots: Spy Game. This one was almost too easy. The movie was released on November 21, 2001, and the Pats went undefeated the rest of the way that season. Conspiracy theorists are checking the film to see if Brad Pitt taped the Rams’ sideline.

Indianapolis Colts: The Electric Horseman. Peyton Manning is a Colt who generates lots of electricity.

Division I-A (or whatever they’re calling it these days):

Ohio State: Lions for Lambs. The Buckeyes have mostly faced lambs in their run to #1, but they’ll be tested by the Nittany Lions on October 27.

South Florida: The Candidate. In the national championship chase, the Bulls were like Redford’s Bill McKay on the political scene: a complete unknown who was given no chance in hell by the establishment.

Boston College: Legal Eagles. These Eagles are working on the field, not in court. With a road win at Georgia Tech, they avoided The Sting by the Yellow Jackets.

Arizona State: Jeremiah Johnson. The Sun Devils’ November 3 showdown in Eugene could be impacted by a knee injury to Oregon running back Jeremiah Johnson. Cal visits Tempe the previous week, so like Redford’s character Jeremiah Johnson, ASU will have to survive in the midst of Bears.

Kansas: The Great Gatsby. Gatsby was named Jay, and was a newcomer to high society who took road trips to Manhattan. KU is named the Jayhawks, and is a newcomer to high society after a winning road trip to Manhattan. I’m pretty sure Redford looked better in a tux than Mark Mangino.

Hawaii: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The Sundance Kid was a great Western gunslinger. Colt Brennan is a great Western Athletic Conference gunslinger.

Ups & Downs of the Sports Weekend

It’s been an eventful weekend in sports, with three sweeps in the baseball postseason, a dramatic Saturday in college football, and an action-packed Sunday in the NFL. Here’s a look at who was up, and who was down.


Up: Rudy in L.A. Notre Dame finally ended its futility with a road win over UCLA.
Down: Booty in L.A. USC’s John David Booty threw four interceptions in a stunning loss to Stanford. The downside for the Cardinal? They helped Cal get closer to #1.

Up: Rockies. Colorado finished off a three-game sweep of the Phillies.
Down: Rocky. Philly’s favorite icon saw another title opportunity fade away. On the bright side, Temple won a football game on Saturday. Yes, Temple. Seriously.

Up: LSU Tigers in Death Valley. A dramatic victory over Florida cemented LSU’s #1 ranking.
Down: Clemson Tigers in Death Valley. Clemson self-destructed in a home loss to Virginia Tech, fulfilling their annual obligation to rise to the top 15 before falling back to mediocrity.

Up: Brandon Lyon. He was part of the Diamondbacks’ sterling pitching effort in the NLDS, allowing no runs in three innings of work.
Down: Detroit Lions. A 34-3 trouncing by the Redskins dropped the Lions’ record in Washington to 0-21. Only Congress accomplishes less in D.C.

Up: Jayhawks on the Road. Kansas won at Kansas State to remain undefeated.
Down: Seahawks on the Road. Seeking revenge for Super Bowl XL, Seattle fell 21-0 in Pittsburgh. Completing the sense of deja vu, Jerome Bettis retired after the game.

Up: Travis Hafner. His 11th-inning single won Game 2 for Cleveland.
Down: Travis Henry. Facing a potential one-year suspension, Henry and his Broncos teammates suffered a 41-3 humiliation at home versus San Diego. He’ll need the entire year off to see all of his children.

Up: Michigan Alumni in Coaching. LSU’s Les Miles and Stanford’s Jim Harbaugh notched huge victories.
Down: Michigan State Alumni. With a home loss to Northwestern, they again saw their team go into the tank once October arrived. Look for the Spartans to change their nickname to the A-Rods.

Up: Manny Ramirez. He followed up his Game 2 walk-off shot with a homer in the Red Sox’ Game 3 clincher.
Down: Aramis Ramirez. The Cubs third baseman had no hits in the three-game sweep by Arizona. But at least no one can blame him for 1909 through 2006.

Up: Samuel Peter. He retained his WBC heavyweight championship with a decision over Jameel McCline.
Down: WBC. Its heavyweight champion is some guy you’ve never heard of named Samuel Peter.

Up: Frank TV. As every baseball fan knows by now, it premieres November 20 on TBS. Two more promos ran while I was typing that sentence.
Down: Yank TV. While the Yankees staved off elimination Sunday, they still need two more wins to set up another Boston-New York ALCS. Like LeBron James, Fox executives are wearing their Yankee hats.

Up: Carolina vs. the Hurricanes. Butch Davis collected his first ACC win at UNC with a victory over his old Miami team.
Down: Carolina Hurricanes. They dropped a 2-0 contest to Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals on Saturday. But since it’s the NHL, no one actually saw it.

Up: Billy Goat. The Cubs still haven’t made the World Series since 1945.
Down: Rams. St. Louis and Colorado State are both 0-5. But to my dad’s delight, the Spring-Ford Rams took down Upper Perkiomen on Friday.

Up: Maurice Jones-Drew. His 52-yard touchdown run sparked the Jaguars to victory in Kansas City.
Down: Marion Jones. The gold medal sprinter finally admitted to taking steroids. Track and field insiders responded, “Well, DUH!!!!”

Up: Buckeyes in Indiana. Ohio State gave Purdue its first defeat of 2007 in West Lafayette.
Down: Buccaneers in Indiana. Tampa Bay was routed 33-14 in Indianapolis. Afterwards, Colts QB Peyton Manning went on a rant, complaining about Frank Caliendo being in more commercials than he is.

Up: Chase Daniel. The Missouri QB threw for 401 yards in a 41-6 rout over Nebraska.
Down: Chase Utley. The Phillie star matched teammates Jimmy Rollins and Pat Burrell with a .182 batting average in the NLDS. At least the Phils have one thing in common with the Red Sox: Curt Schilling has their most recent postseason victory.

Up: Kris Brown of the Texans. Houston’s kicker made all five field goal attempts, including the 57-yard game-winner versus the Dolphins.
Down: Mack Brown of Texas. Dating back to last season, his Longhorns have dropped four straight Big 12 matchups. But better days lie ahead. “Better days” meaning Iowa State and Baylor the next two weeks.

Up: Pats in New England. Tom Brady and company cruised once again in Foxborough.
Down: Bats Versus New England. The Angels managed just four runs in the three-game sweep by Boston. Looks like the Rally Monkey’s no match for the Green Monster.

Up: Ranked Bulls. South Florida entered the top 5 for the first time ever.
Down: Ranked Bulldogs. Georgia suffered a 35-14 blowout in front of 107,000 at Tennessee. 97,000 if you exclude Travis Henry’s kids.

Up: Undefeated Ohio Teams: Like Ohio State, Cincinnati beat a ranked opponent on the road to go to 6-0.
Down: Undefeated Wisconsin Teams. The Badgers fell at Illinois, and the Packers dropped a heartbreaker to the Bears. If the Bucks had been in action, they would have lost to the Bulls.

Up: National League West. Arizona and Colorado will square off for a berth in the World Series.
Down: AFC West. Ladies and gentlemen, your first-place Oakland Raiders!

Rex's Possible Replacements

In a move considered long overdue by most Bears fans, this week Chicago head coach Lovie Smith demoted beleaguered quarterback Rex Grossman. While at first glance the decision to make Brian Griese the starter seems appropriate, it’s also far too obvious. Other current Chicago athletes, or figures associated with the Windy City, would have been far more interesting choices. Here’s a look at the QB credentials of a few of these possibilities.


Lou Piniella: As umpires would tell you, the Cubs manager is great at throwing things.

Alfonso Soriano: The perfect situation for him: let him put up big numbers, and you don’t need him to play defense.

Kerry Wood: In case the Bears want to go the “powerful right arm, injury-plagued career” route again.

Steve Bartman: Among Chicago sports fans, he’s probably more popular than Rex.

Ozzie Guillen: Non-stop swearing at the quarterback would be replaced by non-stop swearing BY the quarterback.

A.J. Pierzynski: He can take a hit – assuming Michael Barrett is rushing the QB.

Mark Buehrle: Unlike Rex, when he throws the ball, the opponents usually don’t score.

Joakim Noah: Like Grossman, he’s a Florida Gator who’s now in Chicago. And he actually HELPS his team in a championship game.

Luol Deng: As Northwestern proved two weeks ago, Dukies can win football games in Chicago. Just nowhere else.

Ben Wallace: He’s not known for his offense, but neither is Rex.

Martin Havlát: As the points leader for the Black Hawks, he’d love for Chicago sports fans to actually see him when he scores.

Oprah Winfrey: She reigns supreme on weekday afternoons, so why not do the same on Sunday afternoon?

Peter Cetera: He’s experienced in leading a group called Chicago.

Richard Daley: He’s won six mayoral elections in the Windy City. So at least someone in Chicago knows how to go for six.

Bill Murray: The quarterback position would continue to be a source of comedy.

Brett Favre Limericks

After Sunday’s NFL action, five teams stand at 3-0. The most surprising unblemished record belongs to Green Bay, which turned back visiting San Diego 31-24. One not-so-shocking aspect of the game was that Packers quarterback Brett Favre tied another league record, matching Dan Marino with 420 career touchdown passes. Clearly Favre’s resume is impressive enough to warrant some limericks in his honor. Here are a few.


There is a QB named Brett
Lots of NFL records he’s set
It’s easy to state
What’s made him so great:
He doesn’t suit up for the Jets

He’s linked to Miami’s Marino
Setting records just like the Bambino
“Your QB won’t fail
If he’s not stuck in jail”
Says Falcons coach Bobby Petrino

Brett’s always been quite a dice roller
Not afraid to get smacked in the molars
He replaced Don Majkowski
And like The Big Lebowski
He’d soon be a Super Bowler

He played college with Golden Eagles
With the Packers his status is regal
Every year it’s the same
He misses no games
Just like the old punter Jeff Feagles

He makes escapes like MacGyver
Thanks to help he gets from Donald Driver
Brett knows to succeed
A good partner you need
Like Arnold has Maria Shriver

For him it’s the ultimate rush
To leave Soldier Field fans in a hush
A three-time MVP
It’s easy to see
Why he’s John Madden’s biggest man-crush

For so long this franchise he’s led
But soon comes the day Pack fans dread
He will have to go
And you’ll see at Lambeau
Lots of tears underneath the Cheeseheads

Top 10 Excuses By Matt Estrella For Taping the Jets' Sideline

The New England Patriots are currently in hot water with the NFL, after the league determined that the Patriots illegally videotaped defensive signals by the New York Jets’ coaches on Sunday. NFL security officials had confiscated a camera and videotape from New England video assistant Matt Estrella during the first quarter of the Patriots’ 38-14 victory.

New England faces the possibility of significant sanctions from commissioner Roger Goodell, including the potential loss of multiple draft picks. The Patriots will be allowed to present their case before Goodell makes his decision. As part of the team’s defense, Estrella has reportedly prepared his top 10 excuses for taping the Jets’ sideline. Here is an exclusive look at his list.


10. I figured Joe Namath would be making creepy passes at a sideline reporter again.

9. Seriously, does Tom Brady really need my help against the Jets?

8. I had politely asked the Jets’ coaches to tell us their defensive strategy, and the bastards said no!

7. No one stopped me, since the home fans were too busy cheering Chad Pennington’s injury.

6. Since I was in Jersey, I was trying to shoot a better ending to The Sopranos.

5. I heard that Miss Teen South Carolina was on the Jets’ sideline.

4. Come on, aren’t you glad someone actually shot some video WITHOUT Peyton Manning?

3. My judgment was impaired after that injection from Rodney Harrison.

2. I needed evidence to expose the Jets’ dog-fighting ring.

AND…

1. It was either that, or making a Bill Belichick sex tape.

Vick Abbreviations: Old & New

The week's dominant sports story is that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will enter a guilty plea next Monday in a federal dogfighting case. At that time, Vick will make official his stunning fall from celebrated athlete to convicted felon. To see just how much his fortunes have plummeted, here's a look at numerous Vick-related abbreviations. First are the old, traditional meanings, followed by their new context.


NFL:
Old: National Football League
New: Now Freedom's Lost

NFC:
Old: National Football Conference
New: No Fighting Canines

ATL:
Old: Atlanta
New: Against The Law

VPI:
Old: Virginia Polytechnic Institute
New: Vick's Pending Incarceration

PETA:
Old: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
New: Plea Entered, Tells Attorney

ASPCA:
Old: American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals
New: Atlanta Sundays: Petrino's Crushing Agony

ESPN:
Old: Entertainment & Sports Programming Network
New: Endorsements? "Sayonara," Proclaims Nike

W-L:
Old: Won-Loss
New: Walled Lifestyle

QB:
Old: Quarterback
New: Queasy Blank

ATT:
Old: Attempts
New: Acquaintances: Totally Trouble

COMP:
Old: Completions
New: Cellmate's Opinion: Michael's Pretty

PCT:
Old: Percentage
New: Puppies Count, Too

TD:
Old: Touchdown
New: Torture-free Dogs

INT:
Old: Interception
New: Inmate, Not Teammate

YPA:
Old: Yards Per Attempt
New: Your Pet's Avenged