All About the Turners For Chargers

Next weekend, the Indianapolis Colts were supposed to have another AFC Championship showdown with the New England Patriots. However, the San Diego Chargers will make the trip to Foxborough instead, after closing out the RCA Dome with a 28-24 upset on Sunday. The triumph provided vindication for first-year coach Norv Turner, whose predecessor Marty Schottenheimer never took San Diego to the conference championship game. Among other unlikely heroes, Norv can thank backup running back Michael Turner, who replaced injured star LaDainian Tomlinson and rushed for 71 yards. Indeed, the Turner influence is all around for these Chargers.


Tina Turner once sang, “We don’t need another hero,” but San Diego needed heroes wherever it could find them after LT was injured. Missing their superstar, the Chargers were like Turner & Hooch without Tom Hanks. Michael Turner is considered a fine back, but in Pirates of the Caribbean terms, he’s the Will Turner next to LT’s Captain Jack Sparrow. Quarterback Philip Rivers was also knocked out, so Norv Turner figured to meet the same fate versus the Indianapolis defense as brother Ron Turner, offensive coordinator for Chicago in last year’s Super Bowl. Granted, Ron Turner’s problem was that HIS quarterback stayed healthy.


Still, the Chargers persevered before the cameras of CBS, not to be confused with TBS (Turner Broadcasting System). Led by Shawne Merriman and Antonio Cromartie, the defense was as hard-hitting as Ike Turner. Whereas Lana Turner was Oscar-nominated for Peyton Place, San Diego gave an award-worthy performance in Peyton’s place. The improbable result was the biggest win in San Diego sports since the Padres took down the Braves in the 1998 NLCS, to the chagrin of Ted Turner.


Now, with an injured roster headed to New England, the Chargers will need some Strong Medicine for their Northern Exposure (both series starring Janine Turner). On February 3, most NFL fans expect Tom Brady to collect his fourth Super Bowl ring, like former San Francisco linebacker Keena Turner. However, San Diego wants to pull a shocker like the Jets in Super Bowl III, in which Jim Turner kicked three field goals and an extra point. Speaking of those Jets, I guarantee Joe Namath wants to kiss Kathleen Turner.


Indeed, like Bachman Turner Overdrive, the Chargers vow, “You ain’t seen nothing yet” as they attempt to knock off the undefeated Patriots. If they succeed, just one step will remain. Or in the profound words of Warrant (founded by Erik Turner), “Heaven isn’t too far away.”

Manning To Replace Barker On "The Price Is Right"

This Friday represents the end of an era on CBS, as Bob Barker departs after 35 years of hosting The Price Is Right. Since Barker announced his retirement intentions last fall, television insiders have speculated about his replacement. Today came the surprising answer. The next host of The Price Is Right will be Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.


Manning was considered a natural to host, given his enthusiastic interaction with everyday people in his MasterCard commercials. CBS executives were apparently undaunted by claims that the “Priceless” ads were part of a conspiracy to take down the long-running game show. Manning’s hiring provides natural cross-promotion opportunities for CBS, which televises AFC games. In a similar vein, the show airing after The Price Is Right is expected to be renamed The Vince Young and the Restless.


Beginning on Monday, Manning will film as many shows as possible before Colts training camp begins on July 29. Other tapings will take place during Indy’s bye week in October. To accommodate the preferences of Peyton, the studio will not allow entrance to anyone from New England. However, Steve Spurrier is eager to become a contestant, since Manning has never been able to stop him from winning.


Barker and the new host have no shortage of similarities. Both have presided over long-running successful enterprises. Manning has won regular season and Super Bowl MVP awards, while Barker has piled up the Emmys. Also, both Bob and the NFL were born in the 1920s. Hopefully, the similarities end at Barker’s infamous pummeling of Happy Gilmore. To be on the safe side, U.S. Open officials will be on the lookout this Sunday in case Manning runs onto the green to deck Tiger Woods.


The show’s announcer, Rich Fields, will be an appropriate partner for a guy who’s gotten rich on the field. Hearing frequent shouts of “A new car!” will remind Manning of his SEC football days. To incorporate the NFL theme, Fields will change his call of “Come on down!” to “First down!” The contestants will run down to The Trenches, formerly known as Contestant Row. Therefore, like all announcers connected with football, Fields can say, “This game is being won in The Trenches!”


Manning will put his personal stamp on the show in many ways. Barker’s Beauties will now be known as Peyton’s Peaches. You might hear the quarterback say something like, “The actual retail price is $879. But you can’t measure what’s in that prize’s heart!” Enthusiasm will still be encouraged, but the hysterical jumping around by contestants will almost certainly be toned down a few notches. Otherwise, Peyton will tell them, “Look, Marvin Harrison doesn’t jump around like an idiot when he wins a dinette set. Act like you’ve been there before!” Manning will also make sure that the contestants who make it to the Showcase Showdown will have a perspective that he understands. Before the Showdown, each contestant will have to listen to sports reporters and talk radio hosts screaming that they can’t win the big one.


While he makes the show his own, Manning is fully aware of the importance of preserving Barker’s legacy. Therefore, he will close every edition of The Price Is Right in traditional fashion, with a football addition: “Have your pet spayed or neutered, and kept off Michael Vick’s property.”

Peyton Manning To Compete In Daytona 500

On February 4, Peyton Manning fulfilled a lifelong dream as his Indianapolis Colts finally won the Super Bowl with a 29-17 triumph over the Chicago Bears. Peyton could be excused if he chose to take it easy for a while. However, the taste of victory has only made him hungry for more. With that in mind, Manning will race in Sunday’s Daytona 500.


Peyton will take the place of J.J. Yeley, starting in row 6. Yeley was slotted to drive the #18 car for Joe Gibbs Racing. However, based on the Colts’ 36-22 victory over the Washington Redskins in October, Manning had earned the right to bump any driver on Gibbs’s team. Since Peyton is synonymous with the number 18, Yeley had to give up his spot. Now, instead of leading drives for Tony Dungy, Manning will drive with Tony Stewart.


Given his lack of NASCAR experience, many fans were critical of Manning’s inclusion in the race. Considering the city in which he plays, most considered him a better fit for the Indianapolis 500. Also, he cannot compete for the Nextel Cup, since The Chase coincides with the NFL regular season. Skeptics proclaimed that Manning will be left in the dust after falling behind early. Peyton responded by referring to the opening kickoff of the Super Bowl. He came back to win, even after an opponent traveling at high speed immediately put him behind.


Sometimes called The Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing, the Daytona 500 has numerous parallels to the NFL’s showcase event. Sunday’s competition is also known as The Great American Race, and this year’s Super Bowl inspired discussions about race in America. Jimmie Johnson seeks to repeat at Daytona, just like Jimmy Johnson won back-to-back Super Bowls. Chevrolet’s four-year victory streak in the race shows a particularly strong link to football. William Clay Ford owns the Detroit Lions, so you don’t see Fords winning the Super Bowl, either.


Manning felt that he would be completely at home on the NASCAR circuit. He uses sound judgment when passing, and as a high-scoring Colt he wins with horsepower. In the same vein as the Allisons, Pettys, and Earnhardts, his primary sport is a family business. Most notably, like all NASCAR drivers he endorses a huge number of products while competing on Sundays.


During the race, Peyton will have constant reminders of his football experiences. His focus on the checkered flag will remind him of Tennessee, where he focused on the checkerboard end zone. He must periodically make pit stops, whereas last year he was stopped by Pittsburgh. Several crew chiefs have been barred from Sunday’s race, just like Manning’s Colts knocked some Chiefs out of action. As he did two weeks ago, Peyton hopes to win a championship in Florida. He feels confident because Steve Spurrier doesn’t have a car in the race.


Against the Bears, Manning captured the title that had eluded him for so long. His experience was much like Dale Earnhardt in winning the Daytona 500 at long last in 1998. Peyton will get to race Dale, Jr., but he would have gladly taken his chances against the departed legend as well. Once you’ve gotten past Brian Urlacher, no other Intimidator can scare you.

Super Bowl Winners, Besides The Colts

Sunday in Miami, the Colts earned their first Super Bowl title since the franchise moved to Indianapolis in 1984. The 29-17 victory over the Chicago Bears will long be remembered for making champions of quarterback Peyton Manning and head coach Tony Dungy. Besides Indy, here were some other big winners from Sunday’s showdown.


1988 Kansas Jayhawks: Sweet memories flooded back as a Manning led a team to a championship.

Auburn Fans: They’ve always been eager to see a Bear lose a big game.

Bakeries: The sloppy contest provided free publicity for places that feature turnovers.

Billy Dee Williams: His favorite drink was within one yard of the game-clinching play, as Kelvin Hayden ran back an interception from the Colt 44.

Donald Rumsfeld: The Colts proved that you can succeed in 2007, even if you were inept on defense throughout 2006.

Johnny Unitas: Since he passed away in 2002, the Baltimore legend did not have to see the Colts win a title in Indianapolis.

Kick Returners: Considering the results of the BCS national championship game and the Super Bowl, every team will want to give up a touchdown on the opening kickoff.

Midwestern State University: The Division II program produced Indy’s Dominic Rhodes, who rushed for 113 yards and a touchdown. The performance was a badly needed boost for the school, which still feels shame from giving us Dr. Phil.

Monkey Moving Services: Numerous monkeys must now relocate, since they no longer can live on the backs of Manning and Dungy. The displaced monkeys hope they can crash with their friends on Alex Rodriguez’s back.

National Hockey League: The frequent Pro Bowl promos reminded viewers that the NHL isn’t the only league with an All-Star Game no one cares about.

Paul Marcarelli: He’s the “Can you hear me now?” man for Verizon. Yesterday proved that a guy who appears in loads of commercials can go on to be the Super Bowl MVP.

Racists: They finally got to see an African-American coach lose a Super Bowl.

Steve Spurrier: Rex Grossman went down to defeat, but Spurrier can still say, “You never saw Peyton beat a Gator when I was around!”

The U: Hurricanes Devin Hester and Reggie Wayne scored the first two touchdowns, one day after Michael Irvin was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Plus, the winning team had a “U” on their helmets.

University of Phoenix Stadium: After Sunday’s rain-soaked event, next year’s Super Bowl host can brag about its retractable roof.

A By-The-Roman Numerals Guide To Super Bowl XLI

This sports weekend is the relative calm before next week’s storm in Miami. Football fans are bursting with anticipation for the Super Bowl XLI showdown between the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears on February IV. In the spirit of the big event, here’s a by-the-Roman numerals guide to the teams.


I Player from a losing team to be named Super Bowl MVP (Chuck Howley). Since he was a linebacker who lost to the Colts in Miami, Indy hopes Brian Urlacher wins it this time.

II Emmy Awards won by Brian’s Song. Only Brett Favre has made more Bears fans cry.

III Texas Class B state championships won by Bears coach Lovie Smith as a player for Big Sandy High School. Coincidentally, “Big Sandy” is Shaquille O’Neal’s beach volleyball nickname.

IV Jersey number worn by quarterback Jim Harbaugh for both franchises. As the new Stanford coach, it’s also how many touchdowns his opponents will score in an average quarter.

V Game of the MCMLXXXI NLCS in which Rick Monday hit a pennant-winning home run for the Dodgers. With a touchdown in the AFC championship game, Indy’s Jeff Saturday became the second day of the week to be a playoff hero.

VI Return touchdowns this season for Bears rookie Devin Hester. He’s the fastest thing in Chicago since the car chases in The Blues Brothers.

VII Games played in the MCMXCVIII NBA Eastern Conference finals - another high-profile Chicago-Indianapolis matchup. But this time, Indy seems to have the Air advantage.

VIII Consecutive seasons in which Indy’s Marvin Harrison has caught at least X touchdown passes. Among Marvins, only Gaye has done more scoring.

IX Danica Patrick’s standing in last year’s IRL IndyCar Series. Like Peyton Manning, she gets tons of endorsements and draws huge crowds in Indy, but still hasn’t won a title.

X Bears who performed “The Super Bowl Shuffle” in MCMLXXXV. Fortunately, these days you never see rappers who want to hurt people.

XI Seasons Mike Ditka spent as the Bears’ head coach. Like another Iron Mike, he won a title in MCMLXXXVI. But he preferred chewing out quarterbacks to chewing on opponents’ ears.

XII Seasons in which Baltimore lacked an NFL franchise between the Colts’ departure and Ravens’ arrival. Detroit is catching up to that number.

XIII NBA seasons in Larry Bird’s playing career. Like Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri, he nailed lots of III-pointers in New England before heading to Indianapolis.

XIV Points scored by the Bears in the last V minutes of a miracle victory over Arizona. Soon, Dennis Green was what we thought he would be: unemployed.

XV Victories for each Super Bowl team this season, including the playoffs. With St. Louis winning the World Series, the Midwest has been the region of champions lately. Well, not so fast, Buckeyes.

XVI Victory margin for Florida in last year’s NCAA basketball championship game. Since Florida captured a title in Indianapolis, Indianapolis feels entitled to win one in Florida.

XVII Point spread favoring the Colts in Super Bowl III. Also the number of women in Joe Namath’s bed after the game.

XVIII Deficit overcome by the Colts in the AFC championship game. Afterwards, New England coach Bill Belichick was at a loss for words, as he is after every game.

XIX Jersey number of Colts legend Johnny Unitas, who threw a touchdown in a record XLVII consecutive games. Back then, only JFK made more passes.

XX Interceptions thrown by Bears QB Rex Grossman in the regular season. Since he had so many giveaways in Chicago, teammates started calling him Oprah.

XXI Points scored by the Colts in a MMI loss to San Francisco – an otherwise forgettable game worshipped by SportsCenter. Because it brought us Jim Mora’s “PLAYOFFS????”

XXII Career interceptions for Bears legend Dick Butkus, who probably sent someone to the hospital as I was typing this sentence.

XXIII Points for the Colts in the classic MCMLVIII NFL championship victory over the New York Giants, coached by Jim Lee Howell. Immediately after the game, an angry Giants fan launched firejimleehowell.com.

XXIV Categories in which Oscars were awarded for MMII. The Bears will draw inspiration from that event, since Chicago was the big winner.

XXV Record Super Bowl ring size for William “The Refrigerator” Perry. The Fridge plans to loan the ring to Bears kicker Robbie Gould, who will wear it as a helmet.

XXVI Combined points for the Bears in losses to Miami and New England – their only defeats until a meaningless season-ender to Green Bay. They’re still hoping to somehow avoid the AFC at the Super Bowl.

XXVII Career sacks for Alex Brown of the Bears. He hopes to do something considered impossible in Cleveland: a Brown winning a Super Bowl.

XXVIII Jersey number of Indy’s Marlin Jackson, who made the game-clinching interception against New England. He could be the first Marlin to win a title in Miami and not be traded for prospects.

XXIX Years since Affirmed won horse racing’s last triple crown. The ensuing period is familiar to Indy fans: a bunch of Colts falling just short of glory.

XXX Draft position in last year’s Ist round for standout Colts running back Joseph Addai. Three guys from NC State went before him. No, I don’t get it, either.

XXXI Touchdown passes for Peyton Manning during the regular season. He loves to be in the shotgun, unless Chicago’s Tank Johnson points one at him.

XXXII NFL teams to be defeated by Indy’s Tony Dungy – the first head coach to beat every team in the league. Surprisingly, the second was Tony D’Amato - Al Pacino’s character in Any Given Sunday.

XXXIII Age at which Chicago’s Gale Sayers became the youngest inductee into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s so sad to be a has-been at such an early age.

XXXIV Jersey number of Bears legend Walter Payton. If Sweetness were alive today, he’d be dominating on Dancing With the Stars.

XXXV Yardage of late field goal that sealed Indy’s XV – VI playoff victory over the Ravens. To add insult to injury for Baltimore fans, the Colts left the stadium in Mayflower moving trucks.

XXXVI Victory margin for the Bears in Super Bowl XX. Patriots QB Tony Eason still screams Richard Dent’s name in his sleep.

XXXVII Jersey number of Bears fullback Jason McKie. He keeps teammates in stitches by telling them he played football at Temple.

XXXVIII Age of Colts receiver Ricky Proehl, the oldest player on either roster. For nostalgia’s sake, he plans to wear his old leather helmet on Super Sunday.

XXXIX Points for the Bears in the NFC Championship victory over New Orleans. One more score, and the Saints would have become the Martyrs.

XL Seasons in which George Halas was the Bears’ head coach. He lasted that long because he never had to coach T.O.

XLI Points for the Colts in the teams’ last meeting, a XLI - X rout in MMIV. Edgerrin James had CCIV yards rushing, but he’ll be less of a force this time.

Conference Championship Winners, Besides the Colts & Bears

The matchup for Super Bowl XLI is set, as the Indianapolis Colts will take on the Chicago Bears. Sunday was widely noted as a landmark day for Peyton Manning and African-American coaches. Beyond the rosters of the two victorious teams, here are some other winners from the NFL conference championships.


1985 New England Patriots: With a Bears-Patriots matchup narrowly avoided, they won’t get quite as many gruesome reminders of the Super Bowl XX beatdown.

Babe Ruth: The Bambino’s spirit lives on in Adam Vinatieri: a future Hall of Famer who won three titles in New England, then torments Bostonians by helping a rival team reach new heights.

Barack Obama: Victories by Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy prove that African-American leaders in the Midwest can get the job done.

Cleveland Browns Fans: Now Baltimore has to watch a Super Bowl featuring the formerly beloved franchise that skipped town.

Dan Fouts/Warren Moon: With Manning getting past the Patriots, the “greatest quarterback not to reach the Super Bowl” competition has thinned.

FEMA: With the Saints gone, the agency won’t get two weeks of fresh reminders of how much they fouled up in New Orleans.

Hallmark: Having a guy named Lovie in the spotlight in February will provide constant reminders of Valentine’s Day.

Houston Texans: They were the last team to beat Indy. So for the first time, the NFC champ hopes to be like the Texans.

Jim O’Brien: We’ll hear all about the former Baltimore kicker, who made the game-winner in the Colts’ last Super Bowl. No, not the guy who coached hoops at Ohio State, or the other one who coached the Sixers and Celtics, or the Philly weatherman who died while skydiving, or… okay, just forget it.

Non-Sports Fans: Super Bowl parties always include guests who know nothing about the teams but love to watch the commercials. With Peyton in the game, at least they’ll recognize one player.

Saturday Night Live: A new Da Bears sketch just has to be on the way. To keep up with the times, the Superfans will converse with each other in an online chat.

SEC Quarterbacks: Tennessee’s Peyton Manning and Florida’s Rex Grossman defeated Tom Brady and Drew Brees from Big Ten schools. Looks like Chris Leak started a trend.

Stephen Colbert Haters: It was a rough day for the Colbert Report host, who denounces Bears while celebrating Saints and Patriots. Expect the Colts to be on notice.

Sweetness: No offense to Sean Payton, but it would have disrespected Walter’s memory for a Payton to keep the Bears out of the Super Bowl.

Terrell Owens: A big day by Dallas Clark helped Indy to advance. So the critics were wrong when they said, “As long as T.O. is with the Cowboys, Dallas won’t reach the Super Bowl.”

The Number 15: Lucky For Colts, Unlucky For Eagles

The number 15 is quite prominent in the world of football. It’s how many minutes are in a quarter, as well as the number of yards a team is penalized for a personal foul. In Saturday’s NFL playoff action, the number 15 was significant in many other ways. It brought victory to the Indianapolis Colts and elimination for the Philadelphia Eagles.


Most significantly for the Colts, 15 was the number of points they scored in a 15-6 win over the Baltimore Ravens. All those points came thanks to the leg of Adam Vinatieri, whose five field goals gave him a total of eight in Indy’s two playoff victories. Only Reggie Miller has nailed more post-season three-pointers for an Indianapolis team. Coincidentally, Vinatieri celebrated each of his kicks by talking trash to Spike Lee.


The Indianapolis offense had 15 first downs for the game. That’s two more than the Ravens managed against the much-maligned Colts’ defense (NOTE: All writers are required to refer to the Colts’ defense as “much-maligned”). The return of safety Bob Sanders has been instrumental in the unit’s sudden improvement. He has a history of bringing power to a previously woeful group, having also been responsible for giving the Democrats control of Congress.


While Vinatieri and the defense carried the day, quarterback Peyton Manning was well below his standards with 15 completions. However, Peyton will take the result as the Colts earned a rare road playoff victory and moved within one game of their first Super Bowl appearance since moving to Indy. If the Colts win next week and advance to the big game, Manning will finally get a shot at some endorsement opportunities.


15 was enough for one quarterback, but Jeff Garcia’s 15 completions could not extend Philadelphia’s season. The Eagles fell 27-24 to the sentimental favorite New Orleans Saints. Garcia filled in admirably after Donovan McNabb’s season-ending injury in November. Including last weekend’s elimination of the New York Giants, Garcia had won six starts in a row. The run amazed golf fans, who did not believe that a Garcia could win on Sundays. The QB also provided inspiration to the 76ers and Flyers, who these days can only dream of winning six games in a six-week period.


Ultimately, Garcia’s team was doomed by allowing 15 rushing first downs to the Saints. Deuce McAllister ran for 143 yards and a touchdown. He also scored what turned out to be the winning touchdown on an 11-yard reception late in the third quarter. In leading the victory, McAllister gave the greatest running performance by a Saint since John the Baptist broke the four-minute mile.


The number 15 also hurt the Eagles in two punting situations. Late in the first half, Philly had a clear path to a blocked punt, when Saints punter Steve Weatherford stepped aside and ran 15 yards for a first down. More crucially, the Eagles chose to punt on 4th-and-15 with under two minutes remaining in the game and never regained possession. Coach Andy Reid’s decision not to go for it is sure to face widespread second-guessing. Fortunately, he coaches in Philly, where the always-upbeat media will focus on his five division titles and reassure him, “Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all, Andy. We still think you’re swell!”


Indeed, 15 was an unlucky number for the Eagles in the Louisiana Superdome. On one previous occasion, the franchise had experienced a bitter playoff loss in that venue. It was a 27-10 defeat to the Oakland Raiders - in Super Bowl XV.

Football Weekend Ruled By Colts

Saturday at Churchill Downs, Argentina-bred colt Invasor galloped to a one-length victory in the Breeders’ Cup Classic. Perhaps Invasor could have done even better if the horse had been wearing a helmet and shoulder pads. In both college and pro football, this was a great weekend for the Colts.


An eventful Sunday in the NFL was capped by the Indianapolis Colts’ 27-20 road victory over the New England Patriots. Although Indianapolis won in Foxborough last season, the Patriots were still considered the Colts’ nemesis for beating them in numerous significant contests on the way to three Super Bowl championships. Sunday’s game, like most of the recent matchups between them, took place in Gillette Stadium. The venue has brought frequent heartbreak to Indy quarterback Peyton Manning, and not just because of the losses. Gillette is one of very few American companies not to feature him in a commercial.


However, Tom Brady was the quarterback who suffered Sunday night, as the Colts defense picked him off four times. Manning threw for 326 yards and two touchdowns as Indianapolis improved to 8-0 on the season. The Colts are two games better than anyone else in the AFC, and the Chicago Bears’ stunning home loss to the Miami Dolphins leaves Indy as the NFL’s lone unbeaten. Once again, the shadow of the 1972 Dolphins will loom over the Colts while they remain without a loss. However, those old Dolphins cannot faze Manning, unless they show up in Indianapolis wearing Florida Gator uniforms.


One day before Indianapolis came through in New England, another Colt sparked a victory in Austin. Freshman quarterback Colt McCoy threw for 346 yards and three touchdowns as Texas routed Oklahoma State 36-10. McCoy set a UT record for TD passes in a season with 27, just two shy of the NCAA freshman season record. Colt further injected himself into the Heisman Trophy discussion and helped his Longhorns remain in the national championship race. His good fortune even spread to Texas fans, as television reports are claiming that Matthew McConaughey is the new football coach at Marshall.


On November 24, Colt McCoy will take his shot against the hated Texas A&M Aggies. Saturday, Hawaii’s Colt Brennan was on display against the Utah State Aggies, throwing for 413 yards and six touchdowns in a 63-10 domination. Brennan has a school record 39 TD passes on the season, with five games remaining to try to eclipse David Klingler’s NCAA single-season record of 54. Under coach June Jones, the Warriors annually pile up huge numbers through the air, but they have no shortage of skeptics when they travel to the mainland. Saturday’s rout in Logan, Utah is further evidence that Colt Brennan and his teammates can be lethal on the road as well. Therefore, it is time to discard the notion that the Warriors cannot succeed on the mainland – unless you’re talking about the NBA.


Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis noticed how successful Colts were over the weekend, so he has made a major addition to the roster before tonight’s game with the Seattle Seahawks. The team signed Colt Seavers, the character portrayed by Lee Majors in The Fall Guy. As a stunt man who moonlights as a bounty hunter, Seavers fits in well with the Raider image and should be a natural on special teams. Oakland passed on another Majors character, Steve Austin, because his habit of running and jumping in slow motion would be disastrous in today’s NFL. Austin still hopes to join another team, insisting that he can succeed as long as his teammates know how to make bionic sound effects.


Saturday and Sunday’s football action was surely enjoyed by the man who portrayed Lando Calrissian. Billy Dee Williams was the height of smoothness in his commercials for Colt 45. Over the weekend, his favorite beverage was not the only Colt that “works every time.”

Colts Haunted by Winless Preseason

Due to their 13-0 start, the Indianapolis Colts are the talk of the NFL. Sunday's 26-18 victory in Jacksonville put the team within three wins of a perfect regular season. However, the impressive streak cannot erase the huge disappointment lingering from the Colts' 0-5 preseason.


The misery began on August 6, when Indianapolis fell 27-21 to Atlanta in the Tokyo Dome. Billed as the "American Bowl," the result does not bode well if the Colts proceed to another "Bowl" versus an NFC opponent in February. The team will be especially doomed if the Super Bowl is moved from Detroit to any venue in Asia.


Next, the Colts lost 17-10 at home to Buffalo. That loss was understandable, given that the Bills had seven months to prepare after their previous game - a season-ending loss to Pittsburgh. Buffalo's playoff hopes were dashed in that contest as it was caught looking ahead to the exhibition showdown at the RCA Dome. Ultimately the approach paid off as the Bills left Indy with a huge mid-August victory.


The Colts' hopes for redemption were dashed the following week as Chicago emerged with a 24-17 triumph. The defensive-minded Bears provided a blueprint to any teams hopeful of knocking off Indianapolis. First, you must limit Peyton Manning to 1 1/2 quarters of action before he leaves the game. With the passing attack thus curtailed, you should also eliminate the running game by constricting Edgerrin James to four carries. As a bonus in this contest, Chicago forced fumbles on two of those attempts. James's confidence level has not been the same since - he has scored fewer touchdowns than Shaun Alexander AND LaDainian Tomlinson.


A change of scenery did no good in the next game as Indianapolis dropped a 37-24 matchup in Denver. The Broncos, clearly understanding the great importance of preseason results, finished their exhibition slate 4-0. These teams could meet again in the AFC championship game. The August 27 result ensures that Denver is in the Colts' heads and would be a heavy favorite with a Super Bowl berth on the line.


The Colts finished up the preseason by getting routed 38-0 at Cincinnati. This humiliating score has cast a pall over the entire season. Some misguided observers have tried to claim that Indy's 45-37 victory over the Bengals on November 20 supersedes the earlier result. However, with a net deficit of 30 points between the two games, the Colts will worry if they belong on the same field if a third match arises in January. Chad Johnson might wind up dancing more than the old guy in the Six Flags commercials.


Fortunately, head coach Tony Dungy and his team rebounded to win the season opener in Baltimore. They have gamely marched on in victory ever since, attempting to distract fans from their enormous pre-Labor Day shame. Perhaps they will reach the coveted 16-0 mark. If so, they will have made the best of their embarrassing situation. However, they still would not measure up to the 1972 Dolphins. That Miami team won three preseason games.

Belichick Adds Spurrier To Staff For Monday's Game

After endless frustration in previous trips to New England, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning looks to break through with a victory over the Patriots on Monday night.  New England head coach Bill Belichick always seems to have an answer for Manning, and today he unveiled another ace in the hole.  Belichick signed South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier to a one-game contract, adding him to the staff for Monday’s showdown.

 

If past history is thrown out the window, all signs point to a Colts victory.  Indianapolis is the lone unbeaten NFL team, while the Patriots have endured an inconsistent 4–3 start.  Most notably, the Colts’ previously shaky defense has excelled, led by sack monsters Robert Mathis and Dwight Freeney.

 

However, the dominant story leading up to this contest has been Manning’s complete lack of success in Foxborough.  The superstar quarterback is 0–7 in New England, punctuated by playoff losses in each of the last two seasons.  Manning dazzled football fans with a record-setting season in 2004, but the historic campaign both began and ended with a loss in Gillette Stadium.  His only consolation thus far is that his credit card commercials are much funnier than Tom Brady’s.

 

Perhaps sensing that the odds were finally turning against the Super Bowl champs, Belichick looked to another Manning nemesis for assistance.  Spurrier’s Florida powerhouses defeated Tennessee in all four years of Manning’s college career.  The frustration did not end there.  In 2002, the Colts lost to Spurrier’s Washington Redskins – a very difficult feat to accomplish.  Just last Saturday, with Manning on a bye week and in Knoxville to see his jersey retired, the Old Ball Coach struck again as his Gamecocks shocked the favored Volunteers.

 

Many observers were surprised that Spurrier would accept such an assignment, coming five days before the much-anticipated Florida-South Carolina matchup in Columbia.  However, he plans to hold Monday’s practice as scheduled before flying to Massachusetts.  He will return immediately after the game.  Spurrier will have three major responsibilities on the New England sideline.  First, he will heckle Colts defensive tackle and Florida State product Corey Simon: “Hey Corey, where can I get some free shoes?”  Second, he will taunt Manning with his own accomplishments: “Peyton, how does this national championship ring look on my finger?  Wanna come over to my house and see my Heisman?”  Third, he will throw his visor very hard if steps one and two fail.

 

Indeed, to achieve a breakthrough victory, Manning will have numerous historical obstacles to overcome.  One more has emerged as Indianapolis looks to remain undefeated.  Spurrier’s salary for the game is being paid by the 1972 Miami Dolphins.