Other Channels Carrying Patriots-Giants

This Saturday, the New England Patriots look to complete the first-ever 16-0 NFL regular season when they pay the New York Giants a visit. The matchup was originally scheduled to be aired only on the NFL Network, unavailable to most viewers. However, on Wednesday the NFL announced that NBC and CBS will simulcast the NFL Network’s feed during Saturday’s contest.

The league later decided that this step did not go far enough. Therefore, the NFL has expanded coverage of the game to numerous other networks. Here are the other channels that will now carry Saturday’s showdown.


ABC, Fox, CW: Might as well get all the broadcast networks involved – they’re suffering through the writers’ strike, too!

History Channel: Forget Ancient Egypt or World War II. 16-0 is REAL history.

HBO: It has a good track record with violent shows set in New Jersey.

Animal Planet: The broadcast will raise awareness of an endangered group of Dolphins.

CSPAN: The excitement of its typical programming will be matched by a Bill Belichick press conference.

Disney Channel: He’s not Hannah, but Tom Brady does get compared to Montana.

BBC America: The Giants won in London earlier this season, so they’re basically Britain’s team.

TNT: Only if the game is close. TNT: We Know Drama.

HGTV (Home and Garden): The Giants play Home games in the Garden State.

Food Network: The hosts will advise the 1972 Dolphins on suitable substitutes for champagne.

MTV: It has featured lots of hidden camera shows. So have the Patriots in Giants Stadium.

Big Ten Network: The NFL Network gets to show Indiana in the Insight Bowl, so there has to be an exchange the other way.

E: Short for “Eli.”

Home Shopping Network: Find out how you can get bargains like Randy Moss and Wes Welker.

Court TV: Actually, it carried the NFL Network broadcast two weeks ago, when the Bengals played.

TLC: Contrary to popular belief, it stands not for The Learning Channel, but Tom “Lovable” Coughlin.

TV Land: It’s always happy to feature a Brady Bunch.

Travel Channel: Chances are, by halftime Giants fans will be focused on that trip to Tampa Bay.

The WGA in Sports

This week’s major story in the entertainment world is the strike by the Writers Guild of America. Although that WGA is currently out of action, the WGA acronym is very much alive in the sports world. So even while the writers walk the picket line, you can still get your WGA fix right here.


Most common question at the Bengals’ offices: Who Got Arrested?

Red Sox’ ALDS result: Waxed Guerrero’s Angels

Alternative for Notre Dame fans this Saturday: Watching Georgia-Auburn

Tiger on Sunday with the lead: Woods: Golfing Assassin

NBA’s Tim Donaghy headache: Whistleblower’s Gambling Addiction

NBA viewers’ headache: Walton’s Grating Announcing

Jimmie Johnson fans’ request to other drivers: Wreck Gordon’s Automobile

Kentucky vs. Gardner-Webb result, as told to Judd: Wildcats Gagged, Ashley

Advice Joba Chamberlain should have heeded: Warning: Gnat Attack!

Items in Rams and Dolphins game recaps: Washington Generals Allusions

Recent exclamation from Paul Pierce: Welcome Garnett, Allen!

Braves’ pitching plans: Want Glavine Again

Strange College GameDay locale this week: Williams ‘Gainst Amherst?

Roger Federer each July: Wimbledon God Annually

Soldier Field nuisance: Woeful Grossman Accuracy

Achievement no college hoops’ coach can approach: Wooden’s Golden Age

Inspiration for college football underdogs: Wolverines? Go Appalachian!

Most clutch blogger: Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas

Announcement eliminating team from next year’s World Series: We Grabbed Alex!

Source of Edmonton players’ happiness in the 80s: Wayne Gretzky Assists

Patriots’ February preference over cold Foxborough: Warm Glendale, Arizona

Oregon Ducks’ only major shortcoming: Wretched Green Attire

Pitchers’ typical approach to facing Bonds: Walk Giant Always

Still doing the job in Green Bay: Wisconsin Grandpa’s Arm

Most surprising revelation in sports: White Guy’s Athletic!

Notre Dame & Other NBC Shows

In a matchup of proud but struggling programs, Michigan throttled Notre Dame 38-0 on Saturday. While the Wolverines hope the victory turns around their season, the Fighting Irish are left to wallow in the misery of an 0-3 start. The Golden Domers famously have a broadcast agreement with NBC for their home games. These days, the action from South Bend bears no resemblance to the high-level NFL games featured by the network on Sunday nights. But how do the Irish stack up with NBC shows on other nights? Here’s a look at the network’s fall lineup, and how those titles relate to the team.


MONDAY:

8:00: Chuck: Coach Charlie Weis, or the upchucking he’s been doing after games.

9:00: Heroes: People who are nowhere to be found at Notre Dame Stadium.

10:00: Journeyman: Another term for Midshipman – someone who actually has a shot at the Irish this year.

TUESDAY:

8:00: The Biggest Loser: What ND will be on October 20, when USC comes to town.

9:00: The Singing Bee: A Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket, after his team’s 33-3 domination in South Bend.

10:00: Law & Order: SVU: Riots that would take place on the campus of victorious Southern Virginia University (SVU), if only they got to play the Irish.

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 (Also Friday at 8:00): Deal or No Deal: Phrase frequently uttered by ND fans as they look to unload their tickets.

9:00: Bionic Woman: A reminder of the late 1970s – something the program could really use.

10:00: Life: Something the offense desperately needs.

THURSDAY:

8:00: My Name Is Earl: What babbling former coach Lou Holtz is saying right now in the ESPN studio.

8:30: 30 Rock: The team’s first three games, in which the Irish have gotten rocked by an average of 30.

9:00: The Office: Where ND alumni are getting abuse from co-workers every Monday morning.

9:30: Scrubs: Players who only see action in blowouts, also known as games vs. Notre Dame.

10:00: ER: As opposed to “Wake Up the Echoes,” it’s an abbreviation for “Echoes Resting.”

FRIDAY:

9:00: Friday Night Lights: Like ND home games, it’s an NBC broadcast that focuses on a high school football team.

10:00: Las Vegas: Where the Irish want to play their games, since what happens there, stays there.

Barry Bonds & The Simpsons

After years of anticipation, The Simpsons Movie was released and claimed the weekend’s box-office championship. Another long wait will soon end when Barry Bonds slams his record-breaking 756th home run. The most obvious link between the two events is the word “Homer.” While Barry and Giants fans will shout “Woo Hoo!” as the record falls, many others will scream, “D’oh!” Besides Homer, here’s how some other Simpsons characters relate to Bonds and those associated with him.


Bart: People always point the finger at him for doing something wrong.

Lisa: She’s better than her peers and isolated in the classroom. Barry’s better than his peers and isolated in the locker room.

Maggie: She’s known for not talking.

Marge: By batting .167 against Cincinnati in his first post-season series, Bonds delighted Marge Schott.

Grandpa: Abe can’t move around like he did in the old days.

Patty & Selma: The duo causes nothing but headaches for Homer, just like Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada for Bonds.

Mister Burns: He’s rich and the most hated man around.

Smithers: Like trainer Greg Anderson, he’ll do anything for the man he worships.

Ned Flanders: Barry could solve his endorsement shortage by appearing in ads for The Leftorium.

Moe: Like Victor Conte, he serves up powerful concoctions.

Barney: He’s a fat drunkard, just like the guy Bonds passed with his 715th dinger.

Lenny & Carl: In 1993, Barry beat out Lenny Dykstra for MVP – 26 years after Carl Yastrzemski won the award.

Chief Wiggum: Like Bud Selig, he’s a chief who’s inept at stopping lawbreakers.

Ralph Wiggum: He makes some absolutely silly statements.

Apu: The Kwik-E-Mart may not have the cream and the clear, but it does have ice cream and Clearasil.

Principal Skinner: He tries to take the fun out of everything, like opposing managers who intentionally walk Bonds.

Mrs. Krabappel: She was once hopeful, before her dreams began to slide. The Pirates were hopeful in ’92, before Bream began to slide.

Milhouse: He’s constantly tormented, like pitchers facing Barry.

Nelson: Springfield Elementary’s resident bully has a high slugging percentage.

Martin: He shares a name with the best player on Barry’s hated arch-rival Dodgers.

Groundskeeper Willie: Close, but with Bonds it’s Godfather Willie.

Otto Mann: He drives the bus and uses drugs, while Barry drives the ball and, ahem, allegedly uses drugs.

Krusty the Clown: Bonds is crusty with the media, but seldom a clown.

Sideshow Bob: There’s often a sideshow around Barry, who’s the son of Bob.

Mayor Quimby: Surely the philandering leader of Springfield has had mistresses pose for Playboy.

Kent Brockman: The newscaster would have a tough relationship with Bonds, since he’s media AND a guy named Kent.

Reverend Lovejoy: He preaches “Thou shalt not steal,” although Barry has stolen 514 bases.

Dr. Hibbert: He has lots of experience with needles.

Lionel Hutz: He’s been gone since Phil Hartman’s death, but Bonds could have used him during grand jury testimony.

Comic Book Guy: He’s arrogant and voiced by Hank Azaria. Barry is arrogant and linked to another Hank A.

Ken Griffey, Jr.: In his Simpsons appearance, he was a major league superstar who wound up with a giant head.

Manning To Replace Barker On "The Price Is Right"

This Friday represents the end of an era on CBS, as Bob Barker departs after 35 years of hosting The Price Is Right. Since Barker announced his retirement intentions last fall, television insiders have speculated about his replacement. Today came the surprising answer. The next host of The Price Is Right will be Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.


Manning was considered a natural to host, given his enthusiastic interaction with everyday people in his MasterCard commercials. CBS executives were apparently undaunted by claims that the “Priceless” ads were part of a conspiracy to take down the long-running game show. Manning’s hiring provides natural cross-promotion opportunities for CBS, which televises AFC games. In a similar vein, the show airing after The Price Is Right is expected to be renamed The Vince Young and the Restless.


Beginning on Monday, Manning will film as many shows as possible before Colts training camp begins on July 29. Other tapings will take place during Indy’s bye week in October. To accommodate the preferences of Peyton, the studio will not allow entrance to anyone from New England. However, Steve Spurrier is eager to become a contestant, since Manning has never been able to stop him from winning.


Barker and the new host have no shortage of similarities. Both have presided over long-running successful enterprises. Manning has won regular season and Super Bowl MVP awards, while Barker has piled up the Emmys. Also, both Bob and the NFL were born in the 1920s. Hopefully, the similarities end at Barker’s infamous pummeling of Happy Gilmore. To be on the safe side, U.S. Open officials will be on the lookout this Sunday in case Manning runs onto the green to deck Tiger Woods.


The show’s announcer, Rich Fields, will be an appropriate partner for a guy who’s gotten rich on the field. Hearing frequent shouts of “A new car!” will remind Manning of his SEC football days. To incorporate the NFL theme, Fields will change his call of “Come on down!” to “First down!” The contestants will run down to The Trenches, formerly known as Contestant Row. Therefore, like all announcers connected with football, Fields can say, “This game is being won in The Trenches!”


Manning will put his personal stamp on the show in many ways. Barker’s Beauties will now be known as Peyton’s Peaches. You might hear the quarterback say something like, “The actual retail price is $879. But you can’t measure what’s in that prize’s heart!” Enthusiasm will still be encouraged, but the hysterical jumping around by contestants will almost certainly be toned down a few notches. Otherwise, Peyton will tell them, “Look, Marvin Harrison doesn’t jump around like an idiot when he wins a dinette set. Act like you’ve been there before!” Manning will also make sure that the contestants who make it to the Showcase Showdown will have a perspective that he understands. Before the Showdown, each contestant will have to listen to sports reporters and talk radio hosts screaming that they can’t win the big one.


While he makes the show his own, Manning is fully aware of the importance of preserving Barker’s legacy. Therefore, he will close every edition of The Price Is Right in traditional fashion, with a football addition: “Have your pet spayed or neutered, and kept off Michael Vick’s property.”

A Billy Donovan Guide To TV Characters

From 1978 to 1981, The White Shadow brought coach Ken Reeves into the homes of viewers. Over the past few days, another basketball coach has been the center of a widely viewed drama. While the parties involved are still working out the resolution, it appears certain that Billy Donovan will return to the University of Florida after signing a contract with the Orlando Magic. Donovan may have a link to Ken Howard, but he won’t be connected to Dwight Howard. Besides the Carver High School coach, here are some other TV characters with relevance to Donovan’s career.


George Costanza: George once quit his job, then reconsidered and went back to work like it never happened.

Hayden Fox: The title character in Coach won a national championship before bolting for a pro job in Orlando. His Orlando gig also was soon cancelled.

Eddie Munster: Opposing fans have pointed out the resemblance.

Homer Simpson: If he keeps UF among the elite, Donovan will wind up in Springfield.

Gilligan: Billy’s Orlando experience was the opposite of the Little Buddy’s expedition. After expecting many years, he wound up with a three-hour tour.

Mimi Bobeck: On the Cleveland-set Drew Carey Show, she was Drew’s arch-enemy. Donovan is also a nemesis in Ohio.

Ernie Pantusso: Like Sam Malone’s pal, Donovan decided to stay as Coach “where everybody knows your name.”

Lucy Ricardo: As a Pitino disciple, Billy also looks to Ricky for guidance.

MacGyver: Donovan is using any available resources (i.e. lawyers) to escape from his predicament.

The Fonz: Jerry Tarkanian won one national championship at UNLV. With his second title, Donovan jumped the Shark.

Stella Bonasera: That’s the CSI: New York character played by Melina Kanakaredes. Like Donovan, Kanakaredes was once the star of Providence.

George Jefferson: Billy was also movin’on up, until he decided to break the lease on the deluxe apartment in the sky.

Toonces: As Kentucky fans would attest, Cats are consistently in peril around Donovan.

Laverne De Fazio & Shirley Feeney: They made their dreams come true at the Shotz Brewery. Donovan made his dreams come true thanks to shots from Brewer.

Jim Halpert: Whether it’s Orlando/Gainesville or Pam/Karen, neither guy can make up his mind.

Doogie Howser: Donovan was much younger than his peers (28) when he became a college head coach.

Cliff Huxtable: He was played by another Bill who was #1 on multiple occasions.

Marcia Brady: Orlando was jilted after “something suddenly came up.”

John Carter: The ER doctor, played by Noah Wyle, was an associate of Mark Green. Donovan was also connected to Noah and Green.

Kevin Arnold: In Gainesville, 2006 and 2007 have been The Wonder Years.

Mary Richards: Billy’s saga brought stress to Anthony Grant, just as Mary did to Lou Grant.

Sonny Crockett: Donovan is at home with the Florida Gators, whereas Crockett kept a gator in his Florida home.

Frasier Crane: Like Billy, he was wealthy and tended to over-analyze his decisions.

Rerun: That’s what UCLA fans thought they were watching at the Final Four.

Bobby Ewing: Maybe the contract signing was all just a dream.

CW To Air "Artis Gilmore Girls" This Fall

As is the case every May, some long-running network television shows are saying goodbye this month. One such series is Gilmore Girls, whose finale airs this Tuesday night. However, the CW plans a similar-themed replacement this fall. The network will add Artis Gilmore Girls to the primetime schedule.


The new dramedy will also focus on the close-knit relationship between single mother Lorelai and her daughter Rory. In honor of former NBA and ABA center Artis Gilmore, the mother and daughter will each sport an afro and mutton chop sideburns. Once again, the roles will be played by Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel, assuming they each grow to be 7’2” over the summer.


In addition to paying tribute to an All-Star basketball player from the 70s and 80s, the show will mirror the style of its predecessor. Therefore, both Artis Gilmore girls will crash the boards while dispensing lightning-fast witty banter. Every time they block a shot, they’ll make a clever pop culture reference. Additionally, Lorelai will endure a strained relationship with her upper-crust mother, who wants her daughter to be more like Kareem Abdul-Jabaar.


The setting of Stars Hollow will be slightly changed to All-Stars Hollow. The name recognizes the five ABA All-Star and six NBA All-Star Games for Artis during his career. Once again, the town will be filled with quirky characters – just like the ABA. Rory’s best friend will be an indie music enthusiast who frequently dunks a red, white, and blue basketball.


The CW hopes to retain fans of Gilmore Girls while adding viewers who considered it too much of a “chick show.” Artis Gilmore Girls will still feature plenty of mother-daughter bonding at the local diner. Since those discussions involve both food and sarcasm, Lorelai and Rory will often be joined by Charles Barkley. Also, the girls’ romantic travails will be analyzed not only by themselves, but in the studio by Stephen A. Smith.


The new series is sure to boost Artis Gilmore’s profile. Despite a distinguished career with the ABA’s Kentucky Colonels and NBA’s Chicago Bulls, San Antonio Spurs, and Boston Celtics, he has not been elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Time has left him overshadowed by the marquee players of his era, but getting his name out there again will surely help his chances to get to Springfield. If there’s one thing that boosts your Basketball Hall of Fame credentials, it’s support from the 18-to-34 year-old female demographic.


Artis Gilmore Girls could be part of a trend this fall. Tonight, CBS bids farewell to The King of Queens after nine seasons on the air. Don’t be surprised if it gets replaced by The Bernard King of Queens.

Raiders Use #1 Pick On Rosie O'Donnell

On Wednesday, Rosie O’Donnell announced that she will not return to The View after her contract expires in June. Today the controversial host’s future plans came into focus. A source close to the Oakland Raiders has confirmed that O’Donnell has agreed to terms to play quarterback for the Raiders. Therefore, Oakland will make Rosie the #1 overall pick in tomorrow’s NFL draft.


The scenario is similar to last year, when the Houston Texans stunned observers by choosing Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and Vince Young with the first selection. The Raiders had been expected to take LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell in the #1 spot. However, they decided to go with someone else who will bring great size to the position. O’Donnell will become the first female talk-show host to play in the NFL since Kelly Ripa returned punts for the New York Jets.


Draft experts were caught off-guard by the announcement. Most expressed skepticism that a 45-year-old woman with no college football experience could succeed in the NFL. Mel Kiper felt that O’Donnell’s selection would make a mockery of Saturday’s proceedings, remarking, “The NFL Draft is no place for someone who sits around and talks all day.” Expressing agreement were Chris Mortensen, Sean Salisbury, John Clayton, Chris Berman, Tom Jackson, Stuart Scott, Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski, Tony Kornheiser, Trey Wingo, Sal Paolantonio, Suzy Kolber, and about 1200 other ESPN commentators on hand for the event.


However, O’Donnell may be able to provide immediate help to the Raiders. Oakland had a woeful offense last year, but Rosie is never reluctant to go on the offensive. Inexperienced quarterbacks often lock onto the primary receiver, but O’Donnell is happy to go after numerous targets. She has held her own with Barbara Walters, so she should have no problem beating out Andrew Walter. Among her draft peers, Rosie has a staunch believer in Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn. After seeing her face appear on the screen, Quinn called O’Donnell “the greatest offensive mind in football.” Later, Quinn sheepishly admitted that he thought Rosie was Charlie Weis.


O’Donnell should fit in well with the Raiders’ history and culture. She caused nightmares with a sex scene in Nip/Tuck, while Oakland has nightmares of the Tuck Rule. She and the team both embrace conspiracy theories, whether they involve 9/11 or the referees. Her experience on A League Of Their Own was also significant, since she’ll follow the same baseball/football path as Bo Jackson. Additionally, the team’s “Just win, baby” mantra has particular meaning for Rosie. Owner Al Davis recently confirmed that the “baby” in that slogan was adopted by a lesbian couple.


O’Donnell can also relate to Davis by having a highly-publicized feud with a power broker based in New York. Pete Rozelle passed away in 1996, but Rosie’s battles with Donald Trump are continuing. When signing her contract with Oakland, Rosie reportedly remarked, “It’s so nice to be in the NFL. Hey, can someone ask Donald how that USFL thing worked out?” Reached for comment, Trump responded, “I’ve said all along she’s a loser. Well, she’s a Raider, so it’s official.”


Since O’Donnell leaves The View in June, she will be able to report to training camp on time. To ease her transition to the NFL, numerous aspects of Raider home games will temporarily be incorporated into the show. The studio audience will be filled with scary Darth Vader and biker types. During that time, the show will be called The View From The Black Hole. Also, like Raider home games, the show will be blacked out in Oakland.


Interestingly, O’Donnell’s frequent View adversary Elisabeth Hasselbeck may provide a gauge for how successful Rosie’s quarterback stint becomes. Oakland is hoping for the production of Matt Hasselbeck, rather than Tim Hasselbeck. It remains to be seen how successful she’ll be, but one former NFL player is particularly excited about Rosie’s signing. Super Bowl XXX MVP Larry Brown has announced plans to come out of retirement. He proclaimed, “If there’s an O’Donnell at quarterback, I’m there!”

NBC Adds "Law & Order: Pacman Jones Unit" To Schedule

Next month, television networks will unveil their fall primetime schedules. Between now and then, they’ll face difficult decisions regarding the fate of current shows, as well as which pilots to pick up as series. Today NBC made an announcement about one newcomer to its upcoming schedule. The network has added Law & Order: Pacman Jones Unit to its fall lineup.


The news comes one day after Jones was suspended for the entire 2007 season by the NFL due to repeated off-the-field incidents. The Tennessee Titans’ defensive back was joined in punishment by former West Virginia teammate Chris Henry, who is slated to miss eight games for the Cincinnati Bengals. With the suspensions, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent a strong message that off-the-field misconduct will not be condoned by the league. In response, NBA counterpart David Stern expressed admiration for Goodell’s hard line. Then he fined Mark Cuban.


Pacman’s disappointment quickly turned to opportunity, thanks to Law & Order franchise creator Dick Wolf. Special Victims Unit has already been renewed by NBC for next season, but the status of Criminal Intent and the original Law & Order remain in limbo. Jones’s endless rap sheet ensured that Wolf would have plenty of material for another “ripped from the headlines” series. The show will be shot in New York, as will anyone who looks at Pacman the wrong way.


The series revolves around a police unit specifically created to investigate crimes committed by Pacman Jones. Admittedly, the show may lack the suspense of other crime dramas, since the criminal will be known in every episode. However, Jones will star as himself and will provide far more open-field highlights than a creepy serial killer. A police lineup will be part of every episode, with Mel Kiper Jr. assessing the draft stock of each person in the lineup.


The new show will contain numerous elements familiar to Law & Order fans. This opening statement will be used: “In the criminal justice system, a cornerback who takes punts to the house and makes it rain is considered especially dangerous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate this player are members of an elite squad known as the Pacman Jones Unit. These are their stories…” Also, the iconic “Dun-Dun” cellblock sound will be slightly revised to a quarterback shouting “Hut-Hut!” Crossovers among the L&O shows will continue, and Wolf even plans some crossover between his franchise and the Titans. Therefore, expect to see Vince Young tossing passes to Mariska Hargitay.


As for Jones, the new series will help keep him occupied while he’s out of football action. In fact, he will have numerous television opportunities. NBC also plans to use him on the next season of The Apprentice. After Donald Trump says, “You’re fired!” to a contestant, Jones and his posse will add insult to injury by pummeling the castoff in the boardroom. Pacman also plans to join Henry and new West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins in an ad campaign for the university. Echoing the “This is our country” Chevy commercials, images of the trio will be accompanied by John Mellencamp’s singing of “These are our convicts…”


It remains to be seen how Tennessee will address the absence of Jones in the secondary. Perhaps the Titans can work out a deal with the Kansas City Chiefs to bring Ty Law to Nashville. Pacman can’t follow the law, but maybe the Law can follow him.

An "O.C." View Of The Sports World

After four seasons on the air, The O.C. airs its final episode on Thursday. When the show premiered in 2003, Orange County was home to the defending World Series champions and the reigning NHL Western Conference winners. Neither the Angels nor the Ducks have gotten back to those lofty heights, just as the series’ ratings have plummeted since its opening season. Nevertheless, in honor of the show’s finale, here is an “O.C.” view of today’s sports world.


In the NFL, the Omnipresent Commercial star led the Overjoyed Colts to an Overdue Championship. Since then, the Oddball Chargers hired the 49ers’ Offensive Coordinator to replace their Ousted Coach. Elsewhere, Ocho Cinco is one of the Only Cincinnati players living Outside Cellblocks.


On Campus, Florida’s Outstanding Chris Leak Outlasted Critics to inspire Orgasmic Celebrations in Gainesville. Operation Carroll, aka USC, is the early favorite for next season. The Trojans will be tested on the road by Notre Dame, Oregon, California, and the Ornery Cornhuskers.


As for baseball, the Optimistic Cardinals look to repeat. Yankee fans will call A-Rod an Overpaid Choker until he delivers in the October Clutch. Their rivals hope that Daisuke Matsuzaka is more like an Overpowering Clemens than an Oil Can Boyd. The Angels-A’s rivalry will be as intense as Obama-Clinton, with numerous battles between Orlando Cabrera and Oakland Closer Huston Street. Oriole Cal will Obey Cooperstown’s call, but Ozzie Canseco’s brother did not make the cut.


The NBA held its All-Star Game in the land of Opulent Casinos, Overflowing Cash, and Organized Crime. An Overweight Charles outran an Old Codger, while Gerald Green did more jumping than an Overexposed Cruise on Oprah’s Couch. Oklahoma City won’t win the title, but an Obvious Contender is Dallas, Owned Confidently by the Outspoken Cuban who Outrages Commissioner Stern.


Occupying College basketball’s throne, the top-ranked Gators were stunned by the Overlooked Commodores. Their Oden-Centered Ohio Challengers hope to cut down the nets, like the Orange Carmelo team and Okafor’s Connecticut Huskies. In the Buckeyes’ Own Conference, Alando Tucker is a senior star – what many Observers Considered an Outdated Concept. Offering Contrast, freshman Kevin Durant dominates Big XII Opposition Consistently, to the Ongoing Chagrin of Oklahoma, Colorado, and the rest.


Above the border, Ontario, Canada is Obsessively Crazy about the NHL. The league features great rivalries such as Oilers-Calgary and Ovechkin-Crosby. However, in the U.S., hockey is buried on an Obscure Channel.


As for individual sports, Kevin Harvick was an Opportunistic Chevy driver as he Outraced Crashes to beat the Other Cars to the finish at Daytona. Roger Federer destroyed his Outmanned Competitors on the Australian Open Courts. And Tiger Woods is always eager to Obliterate Courses, as his Overwhelmed Contemporaries Obediently Crumble.


Outfielders, Catchers, and all other players have to face the end sometime. Likewise, the Outgoing Cast of The O.C. is ready for the Official Conclusion. Ultimately, you can’t Overcome Cancellation.

How The NFL Relates To Thursday Night TV

Tonight on Fox, the New York Mets and St. Louis Cardinals begin the National League Championship Series. At first glance, the other networks do not appear to feature sports in their Thursday night lineups. However, a closer look reveals that the shows on ABC, CBS, CW, and NBC all address this weekend’s action in the National Football League. Here’s how the NFL relates to each series, listed by Eastern and Pacific times.


ABC:

8:00 Ugly Betty: Insulting name applied by Tennessee Titans defenders to Washington Redskins running back Ladell Betts.

9:00 Gray’s Anatomy: The NFC West showdown between the Seattle Seahawks and the St. Louis Rams has an unexpected disruption. Seattle guard Chris Gray suddenly goes streaking, displaying his anatomy to the entire Edward Jones Dome.

10:00 Six Degrees: The expected game-time temperature in Denver for the Broncos’ Sunday night matchup with Oakland.

CBS:

8:00 Survivor: Detroit Lions president Matt Millen continues to survive despite another poor start. But the fans have reason for optimism this weekend. The Tigers are on a roll.

9:00 CSI: With some rare free time during their bye week, the Colts Savor Indianapolis. Coach Tony Dungy encourages players to enjoy the city, as long as they don’t go to strip clubs with the Indiana Pacers.

10:00 Shark: A hockey player in San Jose, where fans of the Oakland Raiders and San Francisco 49ers can see a local sports team with a chance to win.

CW:

8:00 Smallville: Commissioner Roger Goodell stuns Los Angeles by revealing his preferred location for an NFL franchise.

9:00 Supernatural: Roy “The Natural” Hobbs suits up for the Houston Texans against the Dallas Cowboys. An improbable Super Bowl run begins.

NBC:

8:00 My Name Is Earl: What Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart says to the team doctor on Monday night after too many sacks by the Chicago Bears.

8:30 The Office: Where most of the workaholic NFL coaches will be sleeping this weekend.

9:00 Deal Or No Deal: Numerous Cincinnati Bengals check in with their attorneys regarding plea bargain options.

10:00 ER: Ed Reed looks to get his Baltimore Ravens back on the winning track against the Carolina Panthers. ER will go on for years, even after numerous stars leave him.

Agassi's Career Ended By Ted Danson Character

Andre Agassi's glorious tennis career came to an end on Sunday in a third round defeat at the U.S. Open. Hampered by chronic back pain, the 1994 & 1999 U.S. Open champion was not expected to contend this year. However, his elimination was surprising in one notable respect. It came at the hands of Becker, Ted Danson's character from the sitcom of that name.

All week, Agassi was showered with adulation in tribute to his two decades on the court. His stirring five-set victory over eighth-seeded Marcos Baghdatis in the second round provided one last hurrah for the eight-time Grand Slam tournament winner. On Sunday, emotions ran high as Andre walked off the court for the final time, joining wife Steffi Graf in retirement. Many tears flowed in Arthur Ashe Stadium - nearly as many as NBC executives shed when Danson announced he would quit Cheers.

Becker's inclusion in the U.S. Open field apparently resulted from an oversight. A tournament official decided to invite numerous recent CBS sitcom characters to Flushing Meadows, believing that a tribute to The King of Queens was planned. He apparently misunderstood the announcement that Billie Jean King would be honored in Queens. Sportswriter Ray Barone was on hand for the festivities, as covering the ceremony allowed him an escape from his family.

Danson had not appeared as Becker since the series went off the air in 2004. However, he jumped at the opportunity to see what the character could do against the best tennis players in the world. Dr. Becker lives in New York, and since he had been out of action for over two years, he was well-rested. The character's cantankerous nature also fits in at a tournament that has previously embraced John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors.

Becker will face Andy Roddick in Monday's fourth round, but he will already be remembered by tennis fans for being Agassi's last opponent. The defeat was not Andre's first to a sitcom doctor, as he was eliminated from his initial U.S. Open in 1986 by Cliff Huxtable. During both of those matches, Agassi did seem to lose focus as a director regularly disrupted play by yelling, "Cut!" On the bright side, having a doctor on the court allowed Andre to get immediate treatment on his back after Sunday's match.

The sports world may continue to keep Danson busy after Becker's U.S. Open runs. The injury-plagued Boston Red Sox have inquired about the availability of pitcher Sam Malone. Wife Mary Steenburgen has forbidden Danson to become Sam until he is far away from Flushing Meadows. She knows that the ladies man would immediately put the moves on Maria Sharapova. One Cheers character did appear at the U.S. Open. Unfortunately, Cliff Clavin was escorted from the premises, as his constant commentary was too disruptive to nearby CBS announcers.

On Sunday, "Cheers" was the appropriate word for Agassi as the crowd expressed its appreciation to him. To Andre, Arthur Ashe Stadium was a place where everybody knows your name.

"The View" Eliminates Gatlin, Landis From Co-Host Consideration

With the recent departure of Star Jones-Reynolds, The View is searching for a new co-host. Fans of the female-oriented talk show are eager to know the next addition to the ensemble. View producers have made it clear that their set is not a place for testosterone. Therefore, sprinter Justin Gatlin and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis have been eliminated from consideration.


Testosterone has brought tremendous scrutiny to both athletes. Gatlin announced that he had tested positive for “testosterone or its precursors” following an April 22 race. Gatlin, the 100-meter Olympic gold medalist in 2004, claimed that he never knowingly used any banned substances, and he plans to vigorously challenge the results. He could face a lifetime ban and be stripped of his world record, shared with Asafa Powell with a time of 9.77 seconds. Coincidentally, The View has inspired millions of men to emulate Gatlin’s performance on the track. When women sit down to watch the show, their husbands sprint out of the room at record speed.


A drug test for Landis revealed an “A” sample with an illegally high ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone after Stage 17 of the Tour. The results of the “B” sample are expected on Saturday. Stage 17 was the defining leg of Landis’s victory, as he jumped from 11th place to third, just 30 seconds behind the leader. Like Gatlin, he professes his innocence and claims that his seemingly unbelievable Stage 17 performance had nothing to do with illegal substances. Landis insists that his dominance resulted because he raced on a motorcycle that day. Amazingly, no Tour officials noticed.


The scandals cast a further shadow on two sports in which doping issues have been far too common. Track and cycling are widely viewed as havens for cheaters. The governing bodies of both sports are eager to eliminate these types of controversies. Then they can concentrate on the actual competitions and go back to being ignored by Americans.


In the meantime, representatives for each man shrewdly opted to make their athletes available for The View. In doing so, they hoped to convince the public that they could not possibly have an overabundance of testosterone. To further support this PR strategy, Gatlin and Landis have refused all offers to appear in beer commercials, and each man has cancelled his subscription to Maxim. Additionally, both men have consistently remarked during interviews how much they adored The Devil Wears Prada.


However, producers from The View were fully aware of the results and refused to play along with their plan. A spokeswoman for the show remarked, “We absolutely forbid testosterone on The View, so Justin Gatlin and Floyd Landis are not welcome here.” An observer added, “You tell ‘em, girl!” The announcement came on the heels of Mel Gibson’s decision to take himself out of the co-host sweepstakes. Reportedly, Gibson had believed that the show was called The Jew.


Representatives for Gatlin and Landis were disappointed by the show’s decision. One associate even called the stance hypocritical. “If they’re so anti-testosterone,” he asked, “why did they hire Rosie O’Donnell?” He added that Barbara Walters should not be above suspicion, since talking with a lisp is a common side effect of testosterone use.


The View will proceed in its search without Gatlin and Landis. However, the two men still have an opportunity to show that they are not driven by testosterone. They can plead their cases as guests on Oprah. She welcomes all athletes, as long as their physical activities do not include couch-jumping.

Will Clark & Mark Grace To Conclude Long-Running Sitcom

Two years after Friends and Frasier left its schedule, NBC must say goodbye to another longtime sitcom. Just like Jennifer Aniston and Kelsey Grammer in 2004, Will Clark and Mark Grace must now face the next chapter in their lives. Thursday evening, the former baseball stars wave goodbye to their viewers in the finale of Will & Grace.


Many observers were skeptical when the show went on the air in September 1998. Smashing a ball out of Wrigley Field is one thing, but hitting a home run in the Nielsen ratings is an entirely different matter. However, NBC executives, remembering Keith Hernandez’s guest appearances on Seinfeld, realized that first basemen were a great source of comedy. Indeed, CBS had hit the jackpot a decade earlier by basing a series on Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Murphy Brown.


The first sign that Will and Grace would excel in the spotlight together came in the 1989 National League Championship Series. Grace hit .647 and drove in eight runs for the Chicago Cubs. However, Will earned the series MVP award, batting .650 with two home runs as the San Francisco Giants triumphed, four games to one. Will set the tone with a Game 1 grand slam off of Chicago pitcher Greg Maddux, who was never heard from again.


Grace won four Gold Gloves and Will earned one, so both players displayed range on the diamond. However, their range on the soundstage was far greater. In real life, Will was a cocky native of the Deep South, but he was always convincing on the screen as a gay New York attorney. Even more impressive was Grace in portraying a neurotic Jewish woman. No one would have guessed how attractive he would look in a red wig.


As strong as Will and Grace were, they benefited greatly from the contributions of the other main performers – Jack and Karen. Jack was a flamboyant actor who often obsessed over his one-man show. Although his persona was more typical of figure skaters, Jack was partially modeled after Will’s former teammate Barry Bonds. Barry’s teammates have often commented that he thought he was in a one-man show. Karen was Grace’s sharp-tongued secretary, notable for her excessive drinking. She picked up this habit over the years while watching Grace’s Cubs.


Will & Grace was considered groundbreaking by many viewers in portraying homosexual characters on mainstream television. Many skeptics felt that such topics would be off-limits in relation to the high-testosterone world of professional athletes. Star catcher Mike Piazza even called a press conference to deny that he had seen any episodes of Will & Grace. Ultimately, the show achieved what many thought was not possible. A sport featuring locker room bonding and crotch grabbing managed to co-exist with the gay culture.


Most impressively, the show began when Will and Grace were both active players. Certainly Bo Jackson’s NFL career was a notable pursuit outside of major league baseball. However, Bo did not have to display impeccable comic timing in front of a live studio audience amid producers’ re-writes. Grace had particular demands on his time in 2001, when the Arizona Diamondbacks’ World Series title extended his season into November. Ultimately, however, Randy Johnson’s heroics paid huge dividends. Grace won a ring, and viewers got to enjoy countless Big Unit jokes.


One criticism of Will & Grace is that it was overly reliant on big-name guest stars. The executive producers countered that the show was set in New York, so this activity was standard practice. Still, sitcom purists felt that the constant grab for superstars had an adverse effect on the chemistry of the cast. They cited the casting of Alex Rodriguez on one episode as overkill, when Scott Brosius would have been perfect for the role.


Nevertheless, the series enjoyed a very successful eight-season run. Ratings were strong, and Emmy wins were frequent. Unlike Will and Grace, no current major leaguers appear ready to headline their own sitcoms. Unless, perhaps, a network decides to make Papi Knows Best.

Jed Bartlet To Replace Tagliabue As NFL Commissioner

This Sunday evening on NBC, Josiah “Jed” Bartlet will finish his service as President of the United States. Political observers have speculated about Bartlet’s next move after he exits The West Wing. That question has now been answered. NFL owners have selected President Bartlet to replace the retiring Paul Tagliabue as the league’s commissioner.


Bartlet will take over upon his predecessor’s exit in July. The President will assume the commissioner’s position under very similar circumstances as Tagliabue did in 1989. At that time, it was Tagliabue who replaced a long-time, respected leader (Pete Rozelle). Tagliabue also spent time as a powerful Washington figure – 24 years as an attorney - before taking the job in the NFL’s New York office. Unlike Bartlet, however, Tagliabue was not replaced by Jimmy Smits, who was then practicing law in L.A.


Bartlet’s selection is not surprising, given that the owners are primarily interested in the bottom line. The outgoing President certainly understands economics, having won a Nobel Prize in that area before entering politics. Bartlet’s honor was the reverse of Jimmy Carter, who became a Nobel laureate after his presidency. Like Carter, President Bartlet will strive to maintain peace – in this case, between owners and players.


An NFL insider expects a smooth transition from Tagliabue to Bartlet. The NFL dwarfs the popularity of other sports leagues, so significant changes are unlikely. Out of habit from the past eight years, President Bartlet does plan to deliver a State of the NFL Address every January. However, his comments will mostly focus on “how much we rock,” concluding the address with “Take that, Bud Selig and David Stern!” Hail To The Chief will not be played for Bartlet, as 31 owners would object to any apparent favoritism toward Kansas City. In terms of day-to-day activity within the league office, The NFL source expects the most significant change to be “more staffers walking briskly through the hallways while delivering witty repartee.”


As a Notre Dame alumnus, President Bartlet’s dream sports job would have been to coach the Fighting Irish football team. However, Charlie Weis is firmly entrenched in that position. Observers do expect Bartlet to bring a touch of the Golden Dome to the league office by appointing Regis Philbin as deputy commissioner. Players facing league discipline will get to plead their cases on the couch with Regis and Kelly Ripa.


Some observers feel that President Bartlet’s health issues could present a major concern. However, if anything, those vulnerabilities will only endear him to NFL fans. Bartlet has been battling multiple sclerosis throughout his presidency. He also survived a bullet wound during his first year in office. These obstacles have not kept him from performing his duties. To football fans, nothing is more admirable than a guy who plays through pain.


Bartlet does have one objective that Tagliabue was unable to fulfill: returning professional football to Los Angeles. The City of Angels has been without an NFL franchise since the Rams and Raiders skipped town after the 1994 season. Bartlet should be successful in placing a team in the nation’s #2 media market. He has consistently demonstrated his commitment to the Los Angeles area, spending most of his presidency on a soundstage in Burbank.


Yes, Jed Bartlet’s time in the Oval Office is about to end. However, the NFL’s new television contract ensures that one thing will not change: Sunday nights, he’ll still have a presence on NBC.

ABC To Launch "Touchdown Dancing With the Stars"

Jerry Rice won three Super Bowl rings during his brilliant NFL career.  However, he came up just short in his most recent bid for a championship, settling for second place in Sunday’s Dancing With the Stars.  His performance was strong enough that ABC looks to continue showcasing star wide receivers and fancy footwork.  This spring, the network will entertain viewers with Touchdown Dancing With the Stars.

 

 

ABC has been thrilled by the huge ratings enjoyed during both seasons of Dancing With the Stars.  In its initial run, the show was last summer’s most successful series.  Ratings were stellar once again this January and February, with singer Drew Lachey teaming with professional dancer Cheryl Burke to triumph in the finals.  The NFL’s popularity led ABC to choose Touchdown Dancing With the Stars as its next version, over second choice Chicken Dancing With the Stars.

 

 

The new show will match celebrities with NFL wide receivers who have demonstrated great skill in performing touchdown dances.  Participants have not been announced, but Cincinnati native Lachey is expected to return and join up with Bengals star Chad Johnson.  Also, New Orleans wideout Joe Horn will reportedly team up on a cell phone routine with Verizon’s “Can you hear me now?” guy.

 

 

One high-profile player who will not participate is Terrell Owens.  The soon-to-be former Eagle was highly coveted for the competition, given the variety of celebrations he has staged in the end zone.  However, T.O. reportedly balked when told that he would have to be part of a team.  ABC insiders also claim that he was disruptive in meetings with network executives.  Reportedly, the last straw occurred when Owens engaged in a conference room fight with ABC’s self-proclaimed network ambassador.

 

 

The competition will take place in the end zone of an actual football field.  The partners will take turns, alternating as the scorer and the teammate joining the celebration.  While creativity is crucial, the technical portion is just as important.  Slipping on the turf or knocking over an official stationed in the end zone could take points away.  During the advanced stages of the competition, conditions of an opposing stadium will be simulated.  Therefore, competitors must execute their routines while being cursed out and having beer thrown at them.

 

 

Voting and the elimination process will be similar to Dancing With the Stars.  Professional judges are expected to include touchdown dancing pioneers Billy “White Shoes” Johnson and Ickey Woods.  Results will be based on a combination of voting from the judges and from the viewers – online and by telephone.  Each week, the partners with the lowest score will be knocked out of the competition.  Literally, as they will receive crushing hits from Chicago linebacker Brian Urlacher.

 

 

In the end, a talented field will narrow down to one team that gets to be called the champion.  For that reason, ABC compares Touchdown Dancing With the Stars to the NCAA basketball tournament.  It may not be March Madness, but it definitely is the Big Dance.