Venus & Other Celestial Objects

Earlier today at the All England Club, Venus Williams captured her fourth Wimbledon singles championship, dominating Marion Bartoli 6-4, 6-1 in the final. Only Martina Navratilova, Steffi Graf, and Billie Jean King have won more. While she may be the lesser-known Williams sister, Venus has cemented her status as the top athlete with a planetary name. Perhaps she should branch out and bond with other celestial objects in the sports world. Here’s a brief look at how she can do so. And no, it's not just an excuse for a bunch of Uranus jokes.


Williams would be a natural fit for the WNBA, and not just because she’s one of America’s top female athletes. The league is completely overflowing with celestial objects. Venus could join the Phoenix Mercury, Connecticut Sun, Houston Comets, or San Antonio Silver Stars. With names like that and the Chicago Sky, the WNBA seems to want its fans to be fixated on the heavens. It’s a curious marketing strategy, since so few of its players can get high enough to dunk.


For astronomical inspiration from the men’s side, Venus can always watch the Phoenix Suns. Or she can view films of classic battles between Wilt Chamberlain (The Big Dipper) and Bill Russell, who, like Saturn, was known for having lots of rings. Darryl Dawkins can tell her all about the planet Lovetron, as he gets heckled by Knicks fan Mars Blackman. If Venus prefers college hoops, she can check out the 1985 NCAA championship, won by a Super Nova.


Venus can also look to the NFL for fellow celestial objects. To win tournaments, she needs to go undefeated, like Mercury Morris with the 1972 Dolphins. By winning consecutive Wimbledon championships in 2000 and 2001, Venus emulated Bart Starr in the first two Super Bowls. She can see Starr’s bust at the Pro Football Hall of Fame, which also has enshrined Warren Moon. Rather than an Oiler, Moon would now be known as a Titan (Saturn’s largest moon). On October 28, Venus can watch the Titans against the Raiders – in Tennessee, not the Black Hole.


Baseball may not have as much relevance for Venus, unless you consider the sun’s future. In 4-5 billion years, the sun will enter a red giant phase. Williams can observe a Red Giant phase this Tuesday, if Ken Griffey, Jr. precedes Barry Bonds in the National League lineup. The sun will eventually fade into a white dwarf. As Venus and baseball historians know, the St. Louis Browns once used white dwarf Eddie Gaedel as a pinch-hitter.


Venus can also find astronomical objects in other team sports. The NHL, for example, has the Dallas Stars. However, her LA background and success in Britain will make her particularly interested in the MLS. She’ll be sure to catch up with David Beckham and the Los Angeles Galaxy.


In Saturday’s music news, the Live Earth concerts entertained crowds around the world. Wembley Stadium was one venue where rockers pledged their support for Earth. But elsewhere in London, it was all about Venus.

Nadal Turns Roland Garros Into The 21 Club

Located at 21 West 52nd Street, the 21 Club is a venerable restaurant in Manhattan. Like New York City, Paris boasts great plenty of great restaurants and hosts a Grand Slam tennis tournament. Thanks to French Open champion Rafael Nadal, the City of Lights had its own 21 Club on Sunday: Roland Garros Stadium.


In winning his third consecutive title, the 21-year-old Nadal moved to 21-0 lifetime at the French Open. While Nadal is only halfway to Bjorn Borg’s six singles championships at Roland Garros, the Spaniard is clearly the greatest clay court player in the 21st century. He’s even one better than “The Greatest” himself. Nadal is 21-0 on the Paris clay, whereas Muhammad Ali was 20-0 as Cassius Clay. The women’s side also had a three-peat thanks to Justine Henin, whose first of four overall French titles had come at age 21.


Nadal’s triumph provided more frustration for Roger Federer, who 21 days earlier had finally beaten his rival on clay. That victory was in Germany, where this week’s G-8 summit brought numerous 21-gun salutes. Since capturing his first Grand Slam singles title as a 21-year-old, Federer has won at least three championships each at the Australian Open, Wimbledon, and the U.S. Open. However, he has yet to break through in Paris. Federer’s buddy Tiger Woods also won his first major as a 21-year-old, but he had no trouble completing the career Grand Slam. Perhaps it’s fortunate for Tiger that none of the golf majors are played on clay.


The smart money was on Nadal in Las Vegas, where 21 is always a good number. Anyone at least the age of 21 could celebrate a winning bet with a glass of champagne. They could also toast the 21st amendment, which repealed prohibition. One group of Americans who did not toast Nadal was the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who resent the extension of undefeated streaks.


As a star who enjoys being in France, Nadal has much in common with Johnny Depp, who broke onto the scene in 21 Jump Street. Depp is also in the limelight these days, thanks to Jack Sparrow. The role brought him a 2003 Oscar nomination, just as 21 Grams did for Naomi Watts and Benicio Del Toro. However, Depp is not the greatest Pirate of all time – that honor goes to #21 Roberto Clemente.


Next year, Nadal will go for his fourth championship at Roland Garros. Tim Duncan is well on his way to his fourth NBA title, excelling as #21 for the San Antonio Spurs. After two wins over the Cleveland Cavaliers, few observers expect there to be a game 7 on June 21. Duncan is getting a huge assist from Tony Parker, so like Nadal he’s at his best with French people around him.


The next challenge for Nadal is to triumph at Wimbledon, owned by Federer the past four years. Like Nadal, #21 LaDainian Tomlinson has yet to win a championship on grass. Tomlinson hopes to change that next February. If he does, he’ll accomplish what another LT did 21 years earlier in Super Bowl XXI.


In the meantime, Nadal can savor Sunday’s victory at the 21 Club. Unlike Federer, he has little chance to come close to 21 Grand Slam singles titles in his career. However, once he retires, perhaps he can join some other entertainers who were on top this weekend. He’d be a great addition to the cast of Ocean’s 21.

U.S. Men's Tennis & The Utah Jazz

On Wednesday, American men fell to 0-9 in the 2007 French Open, so the U.S.A. is completely unrepresented in the second round. The Utah Jazz fared better in the NBA playoffs, advancing to the third round. However, as hostile as Paris has been to male U.S. tennis players, San Antonio has been even worse to the Jazz. The Spurs advanced to the NBA finals last night, as Utah suffered its 19th consecutive defeat in San Antonio. While the tennis players try to forget Paris, the Jazz can’t help but remember the Alamo. Here’s a comparison of the U.S. men and Utah.


U.S. Men: Curse the name of Frenchman Roland Garros
Utah Jazz: Curse the name of Frenchman Tony Parker

U.S. Men: Had a tough week on center court
Utah Jazz: Had a tough week on the AT&T Center court

U.S. Men: Haven’t won a title in Paris since 1999
Utah Jazz: Haven’t won a game in San Antonio since 1999

U.S. Men: Too many balls hit the net
Utah Jazz: Not enough balls hit the net

U.S. Men: Argentina man beat Robby Ginepri
Utah Jazz: Beaten by Argentina’s Manu Ginobili

U.S. Men: Past greats included Pete Sampras
Utah Jazz: Past greats included Pete Maravich

U.S. Men: Want more attention from American sports fans
Utah Jazz: Want more attention from American sports fans

U.S. Men: Will wait another year to experience the second round
Utah Jazz: Made Tracy McGrady wait another year to experience the second round

U.S. Men: Michael Russell was eliminated by low-key superstar Roger Federer
Utah Jazz: Eliminated by low-key superstar Tim Duncan

U.S. Men: On clay courts, need more good men
Utah Jazz: At home court, need support of good Mormons

U.S. Men: Legendary John McEnroe never won the French Open
Utah Jazz: Legendary John Stockton never won the NBA title

U.S. Men: Won’t get to play Rafael Nadal
Utah Jazz: Rafael Araujo seldom gets to play

U.S. Men: In April, won a second-round Davis Cup series
Utah Jazz: In May, won a second-round series over Baron Davis

U.S. Men: Wish they could keep playing, like Venus & Serena Williams
Utah Jazz: Wish Deron Williams could keep playing

U.S. Men: Look to rebound from a hard spring
Utah Jazz: Look for rebounds from Matt Harpring

U.S. Men: Russia’s Igor Andreev took out 3rd-seeded Andy Roddick
Utah Jazz: 3rd-seeded Spurs took out Russia’s Andrei Kirilenko

U.S. Men: Long French Open title drought was once ended by Michael Chang
Utah Jazz: Long NBA title drought was twice extended by Michael Jordan

U.S. Men: Next round will not have James Blake
Utah Jazz: Next round will not have LeBron James in Salt Lake

U.S. Men: Score was often love-30
Utah Jazz: Carlos Boozer loves to score 30

U.S. Men: Two-time French Open champ was Courier
Utah Jazz: Two-time NBA MVP was Mailman

U.S. Men: Paris is more daunting than the hardcourt in New York
Utah Jazz: San Antonio is more daunting than the hardcourt in New York

U.S. Men: Less successful in France than Jerry Lewis
Utah Jazz: Successful in the NBA thanks to Jerry Sloan

Federer & Other Rogers

Sunday in Melbourne, Roger Federer won his third Australian Open with a straight-set victory over Chile’s Fernando Gonzalez. The superstar from Switzerland now has ten Grand Slam singles titles and is intent on capturing the elusive French Open in June. Clearly, Roger has no peer in men’s tennis. But how does Federer compare to other famous Rogers? Let’s take a look.


Roger Bannister: Broke the four-minute mile
Roger Federer: Breaks opponents within four minutes

Roger Clemens: Consistently triumphed around Andy Pettitte
Roger Federer: Consistently triumphs around Andy Roddick

Roger Corman: Directs gory movies
Roger Federer: Looks like Quentin Tarantino

Roger Craig: Won three titles with the 49ers
Roger Federer: Needs three singles titles to reach 49

Roger Daltrey: Head of a band in which he plays with Pete Townshend
Roger Federer: Wears a headband and plays like Pete Sampras

Roger Federer: Has a punishing forehand
Roger Ebert: Has a punishing thumb

Roger Federer: Last loss was in August at the Cincinnati Masters
Roger Goodell: NFL commissioner often gets disturbing news from Cincinnati

Jolly Roger: Skull and crossbones flag, representing swashbucklers
Roger Federer: Nike client, representing swoosh bucks

Roger Maris: Hit grand slams in New York
Roger Federer: Has won three Grand Slams in New York

Roger Miller: Sang “King of the Road”
Roger Federer: Is king of the hard surface

Roger Moore: Played 007
Roger Federer: Aussie Open foes were 0-for-7

Roger Federer: Possesses great stamina
Roger Murdock: Kareem’s Airplane! character was a co-pilot AND dragged Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes

Roger Federer: Drove opponents crazy in Melbourne, Australia
Roger Murtaugh: Danny Glover’s Lethal Weapon character was driven crazy by a Mel from Australia

Roger Penske: Owns #2 car in NASCAR, run by Brian France
Roger Federer: Settled for #2 last year in France

Roger Federer: Is even better than John McEnroe
Roger Rabbit: Like McEnroe, was an animated star in the 80s

Roger Staubach: Quarterbacked America’s Team
Roger Federer: Makes American players scream

Roger Federer: Has won four straight titles on Wimbledon’s grass surface
Roger Waters: Pink Floyd leader always sounds best when on grass

Agassi's Career Ended By Ted Danson Character

Andre Agassi's glorious tennis career came to an end on Sunday in a third round defeat at the U.S. Open. Hampered by chronic back pain, the 1994 & 1999 U.S. Open champion was not expected to contend this year. However, his elimination was surprising in one notable respect. It came at the hands of Becker, Ted Danson's character from the sitcom of that name.

All week, Agassi was showered with adulation in tribute to his two decades on the court. His stirring five-set victory over eighth-seeded Marcos Baghdatis in the second round provided one last hurrah for the eight-time Grand Slam tournament winner. On Sunday, emotions ran high as Andre walked off the court for the final time, joining wife Steffi Graf in retirement. Many tears flowed in Arthur Ashe Stadium - nearly as many as NBC executives shed when Danson announced he would quit Cheers.

Becker's inclusion in the U.S. Open field apparently resulted from an oversight. A tournament official decided to invite numerous recent CBS sitcom characters to Flushing Meadows, believing that a tribute to The King of Queens was planned. He apparently misunderstood the announcement that Billie Jean King would be honored in Queens. Sportswriter Ray Barone was on hand for the festivities, as covering the ceremony allowed him an escape from his family.

Danson had not appeared as Becker since the series went off the air in 2004. However, he jumped at the opportunity to see what the character could do against the best tennis players in the world. Dr. Becker lives in New York, and since he had been out of action for over two years, he was well-rested. The character's cantankerous nature also fits in at a tournament that has previously embraced John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors.

Becker will face Andy Roddick in Monday's fourth round, but he will already be remembered by tennis fans for being Agassi's last opponent. The defeat was not Andre's first to a sitcom doctor, as he was eliminated from his initial U.S. Open in 1986 by Cliff Huxtable. During both of those matches, Agassi did seem to lose focus as a director regularly disrupted play by yelling, "Cut!" On the bright side, having a doctor on the court allowed Andre to get immediate treatment on his back after Sunday's match.

The sports world may continue to keep Danson busy after Becker's U.S. Open runs. The injury-plagued Boston Red Sox have inquired about the availability of pitcher Sam Malone. Wife Mary Steenburgen has forbidden Danson to become Sam until he is far away from Flushing Meadows. She knows that the ladies man would immediately put the moves on Maria Sharapova. One Cheers character did appear at the U.S. Open. Unfortunately, Cliff Clavin was escorted from the premises, as his constant commentary was too disruptive to nearby CBS announcers.

On Sunday, "Cheers" was the appropriate word for Agassi as the crowd expressed its appreciation to him. To Andre, Arthur Ashe Stadium was a place where everybody knows your name.

Anti-Americanism Rampant At European Sporting Events

July 4 is upon us, so today is a day to honor and cherish the United States of America. Baseball players and fans will do so in ballparks across the nation, finding extra meaning in today’s rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner. However, U.S. athletes do not enjoy the same freedoms when traveling across the Atlantic. This summer, European sporting events have been consistently hostile toward American athletes.


The latest example came on Monday, when Shenay Perry was routed 6-2, 6-0 in the fourth round of Wimbledon by Russia’s Elena Dementieva. With Perry’s elimination, no American male or female was still alive in singles play. Perry was philosophical about the defeat. She remarked, “It would have been great to make the quarterfinals, but seriously, even I’ve never heard of me!” Like the Founding Fathers more than two centuries ago, Perry sacrificed so that others may benefit. In her case, the defeat allowed fans to enjoy a Russian Hottie Fest between Dementieva and Maria Sharapova.


Saturday’s third round particularly showed how unwelcome the Americans were in England. Playing in the last Wimbledon of his great career, Andre Agassi fell in straight sets to Rafael Nadal. The second-seeded Spaniard, practically unbeatable on clay, rudely decided to play great tennis on grass. That same day, defending women’s champion Venus Williams and two-time men’s runner-up Andy Roddick were also eliminated. The Brits shed no tears for them. After Roddick won a point during his defeat to Andy Murray, the public address announcer informed the spectators, “Advantage Mr. Roddick.” Normally he would stop there, but the announcer continued, “But he’ll lose anyway. Mandy Moore was too good for that wanker.”


Last month’s French Open was just as unfriendly toward U.S. players. No Americans made the semifinals after Venus Williams fell in the quarters. James Blake, the last American man, was eliminated in the third round. The tournament has a history of hostility toward U.S. men, being the only Grand Slam singles title eluding Pete Sampras and Jimmy Connors. Many tired stereotypes exist about the French, particularly when it comes to being rude to American visitors. However, such an image came to life after Blake’s defeat, when a group of beret-wearing men stormed onto the court and attacked Blake with baguettes while praising Jerry Lewis.


Europe’s anti-U.S. antagonism was not confined to tennis, as shown by the World Cup held in Germany. Feeling confident with a #5 world ranking, the Americans were promptly dismissed after two losses and a draw. To their credit, the Italians did have a guilty conscience about the America-bashing, even putting a ball into their own goal to make the U.S. feel happy. However, the group stage ended with the USA heading home in humiliation. It is unclear why this squad received such hostile treatment in Germany. At no time during the tournament could this team be considered offensive.


The harsh treatment of American athletes in Europe undoubtedly stems from the continent’s disapproval of the Bush administration. European protests have been constant throughout the Iraq war. President Bush is often viewed as a bully, unilaterally pushing his own agenda while failing to join other nations in supporting measures such as the Kyoto Protocol. Just this week, the President infuriated Portugal by expressing his condemnation of Lisbon marriages.


The anti-Americanism is likely to continue at the Tour de France, which is no longer a sure bet to bring victory for the USA. For the first time since 1998, the Tour will crown a champion other than Lance Armstrong. The doping-related expulsions of co-favorites Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso have seemingly enhanced the chances of Americans Floyd Landis, Levi Leipheimer, and George Hincapie. However, they are unlikely to overcome a controversial new rule. During the race’s concluding stage on July 23, all U.S. cyclists are required to ride tricycles into Paris.


Americans will hope for friendlier treatment that same day at the British Open. However, fans of Scottish golfer Colin Montgomerie have other ideas. Desperately wanting Monty to win his first major, his supporters have successfully lobbied for golfers from the United Kingdom to receive one mulligan per round. Monty’s backers are also rumored to have sent false e-mails to Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, indicating that the tournament has been moved to October.


Despite the harsh treatment they’ve endured in Europe, American athletes can appreciate the freedoms they enjoy at home. Today they can celebrate the Declaration of Independence, ratified 230 years ago in Philadelphia. Where antagonism toward athletes would never be acceptable.

Open Minded

For American sports fans, the news that Andy Roddick was eliminated in the first round of the U.S. Open Tuesday night was shocking.  Not because he was the #4 seed.  Or because he lost in straight sets to a guy from Luxembourg, of all places.  No, what’s most stunning to these fans was this: “The U.S. Open is going on?”

 

Things are much more low-profile in Flushing Meadow than they were in the days of McEnroe and Connors on the men’s side, Evert and Navratilova for the women.  Quck, name five men’s seeded players!  Okay, in addition to the already departed Roddick, you can give me Roger Federer and Andre Agassi.  Unless you assumed that Agassi’s retired and only plays in commercials with his wife.  Two more players?  Didn’t think so.  Even if I gave you 2nd-seeded Rafael Nadal, you’d say, “You idiot, he’s the shortstop for the Braves!”

 

As for the women, I have faith that you’ll name four: the Williams sisters, Maria Sharapova (pause for the male readers to drool), and Lindsay Davenport.  I’ll even give you a clue for another.  The fifth-seeded woman is the defending champion and from Russia.  No, it’s not Sharapova – you already had your chance to drool!  The answer is Svetlana Kuznetsova.  Oh yeah, Svetlana Kuznetsova!  Like Roddick, she’s already been eliminated and is therefore no longer relevant to this article.

 

The largest factor for the U.S. Open’s diminishing popularity among Americans is that, well, there’s not much U.S. in the Open.  Of the 33 seeded women’s players (Why 33?  Is it a Rolling Rock thing?), three are Americans.  Yes, they’re three of the players you actually recognize – #2 Davenport, #8 Serena Williams, and #10 Venus Williams.  But no spunky, up-and-coming American gals among the next 23.  Where have you gone, Tracy Austin?

 

On the men’s side, once again, only three U.S. players are seeded.  But to be fair, the men’s seeds only go to 32, so the ratio is better.  And that’s even with skipping the #5 seed.  Seriously, the list of seeded men’s players on the official U.S. Open website goes from #4 Roddick to #6 Nikolay Davydenko.  Upon further research, it turns out that Marat Safin was the #5 seed but had to withdraw due to injury.  But come on, if you’re gonna seed the guy, at least put him on the website – don’t act like he doesn’t exist!  Marat, if you’re reading, at least I’m giving you your props.  Anyway, you’re all familiar with two of the American men: Roddick and #7 Agassi.  The third seeded guy from the U.S.?  Of course, it’s #25 Taylor Dent.  I think he either sang “Tell It To My Heart” in the late 80s or was Brad Pitt’s character in “Fight Club.”

 

The women’s draw is pretty wide open, with CBS praying that the finals involve someone from among the Williams sisters and Sharapova (all on the same half of the bracket).  I don’t think they’d be dancing a jig over a final between Amelie Mauresmo and Nadia Petrova.  Federer, the defending champion, is the clear favorite on the men’s side due to his dominant play over the last two years.  In fact, keeping in mind the blue surface of the courts, some feel the only way he could lose is if he has to face Boise State.

 

So now you’re up to speed on the U.S. Open.  No, not the golf tournament.  Oh, forget it!