The British Invasion: 2007 Sports Edition

Yesterday it was announced that British soccer icon David Beckham has agreed to terms to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy in Major League Soccer. It remains to be seen whether the husband of Posh Spice will make the world’s most popular sport more trendy in the United States. But the arrival of “Becks” does suggest that other British celebrities could make a positive impact on the American sports scene. Here are just a few other Brits, and the positions where they could have a major effect on U.S. sports.


Julie Andrews: San Francisco Giants Outfielder. As Barry Bonds’s teammate, she can go from Mary Poppins to pill-popping.

Christian Bale: Tampa Bay Devil Rays Designated Hitter. No team is more in need of a Bat Man.

Tony Blair: Monday Night Football commentator. Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann are used to working with a heavily-criticized Tony.

David Bowie: Chairman, NCAA Basketball Tournament Selection Committee. He can officially tell us, “Let’s Dance.”

Richard Branson: Oakland Raiders Offensive Coordinator. He presides over the Virgin empire, so he can lead a bunch of guys who can’t score.

John Cleese: U.S. Ryder Cup Captain. In defeat, the Monty Python staple can help another Monty.

Sean Connery: Denver Broncos Quarterback. No one can fill John Elway’s shoes as #7, except for the ultimate 007.

Judi Dench: Notre Dame Quarterback. After Brady Quinn leaves, an award-winner from Notre Dame is replaced by an award-winning Dame.

Craig Ferguson: University of Hawaii Football Coach. With the Warriors’ high-powered offense, he can continue to entertain late-night viewers.

Ricky Gervais: New York Yankees Owner. David Brent replaces an even more obnoxious Boss.

Hugh Grant: Orlando Magic Forward. The star of Notting Hill can step in for a rotting Hill.

Elton John: Houston Rockets Center. With Yao Ming out of commission for a while, Houston needs another Rocket Man.

Keira Knightley: Pittsburgh Pirates Manager. She’s used to bringing glamour to a misfit group of Pirates.

Hugh Laurie: Chicago Bears Quarterback. The House star always seems to make the right decision, unlike Rex Grossman. And the Bears offensive line could yell, “We must protect this House!”

Jude Law: Baltimore Ravens Cornerback. Any team that faces Peyton Manning should have a defensive back named Law.

Ewan McGregor: Los Angeles Lakers Coach. This franchise thrived on Star Wars.

Paul McCartney: Philadelphia 76ers Forward. They just got rid of Chris Webber, the leader of the Fab 5. So the Fab 4 leader is next.

Ian McKellen: University of Cincinnati Basketball Coach. The Bearcats are bitter rivals with Xavier, so they could use Magneto as they take on the X-Men.

Ozzy Osbourne: Chicago Cubs Manager. To win a World Series in Chicago, you need an incoherent manager named Ozzy.

Clive Owen: Atlanta Braves Pitcher. With star closers hard to find, the bullpen-deficient Braves grab the star of Closer.

Queen Elizabeth II: Sacramento Kings Forward. Shaquille O’Neal referred to them as the “Queens.” Wouldn’t you love to see her around Ron Artest?

Daniel Radcliffe: St. Louis Cardinals Shortstop. Radcliffe plays Harry Potter, and St. Louis fans love seeing a Wizard at shortstop.

Ridley Scott: Chicago Black Hawks Coach. Scott directed Black Hawk Down, so he can lead some Black Hawks who have been down for years.

Patrick Stewart: Detroit Red Wings Center. Having lost “The Captain” (Steve Yzerman) to retirement, Detroit turns to Captain Picard.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: New York Mets Utility Player. She’s used to being around a much older man, so she’ll have no problem being in a dugout with Julio Franco.

Great Sports Weekend For the French Turns Sour

For most of this past weekend, it was a joyous time for French athletes. Their presence on the world stage loomed as large as the Eiffel Tower. However, their jubilation ended Sunday night as Italy celebrated a World Cup championship. A great weekend in French sports suddenly turned to misery.


On Saturday, France’s Amelie Mauresmo made her country proud by defeating Justine Henin-Hardenne to win Wimbledon. The top-seeded Mauresmo became the first Wimbledon women’s singles champion from France since 1925, when Suzanne Lenglen defeated England’s Joan Fry in the final. After that match, the embittered Fry allegedly placed a curse on French women, prohibiting them from winning at Wimbledon. Most tennis historians do not believe in the hex, although they do acknowledge that Fry often wore a witch’s costume on the court and played with a broom instead of a racket. According to the legend, the curse would only be broken when the Chicago White Sox won the World Series.


While Mauresmo’s triumph across the English Channel was sweet, the French also prevailed on the other side of the Atlantic Saturday night. Jeff “Frenchy” Francoeur smacked the go-ahead homer to rally the Atlanta Braves to a 4-1 victory over the Cincinnati Reds. In appreciation, the Turner Field crowd delivered the Tomahawk Chop chant in a French accent. The sound was music to the ears of new Braves third base coach Gerard Depardieu.


Sunday the French continued to flourish, as Sylvain Calzati won the eighth stage of the Tour de France. Ukrainian Serhiy Honchar currently wears the yellow jersey, but the home fans enjoyed seeing Calzati’s moment of glory. He also entertained his countrymen in ways beyond winning. After the race, he pretended to inject himself with steroids, yelling, “Look at me, I’m Lance Armstrong!” to the amused French spectators.


With all this sports glory, the stage was set for France to win its second World Cup championship. Captain Zinedine Zidane continued the momentum by converting a penalty kick in the seventh minute for a 1-0 lead. The retiring Zidane had led France to the 1998 World Cup championship, and a second title would have vaulted him past ZZ Top as the most accomplished ZZ in history. As a tribute to his namesake rockers, he reportedly considered playing the final in sunglasses and a long beard. Zidane chose to go without those accessories, but he was inspired by a pre-game speech by the band’s Billy Gibbons, who told the French team, “You’ve got legs, you know how to use them.”


Unfortunately for the French, the jubilation did not last. Italy evened the score later in the first half, and neither side managed another goal in regulation. Zidane earned an early exit during the second overtime period by head-butting Marco Materazzi in the chest and drawing a red card. Reportedly, Zidane’s outburst resulted from his career-long frustration over being the last guy listed in the program. To his credit, the French legend remained respectful of the rules of soccer and refused to use his hands in striking Materazzi.


Italy ultimately prevailed in penalty kicks and celebrated the nation’s fourth World Cup championship. The outcome means that France must relinquish certain privileges to Italy until the 2010 World Cup. For the next four years, open-mouth smooching will be called Italian kissing, and the former cast member from 3rd Rock From the Sun will be known as Italian Stewart. Also, the world’s most famous slutty hotel heiress is now named Rome Hilton.


So a weekend that carried such promise for French sports ended in heartbreak. However, the most famous resident of Paris is smiling today. Because the Mona Lisa is Italian.

Anti-Americanism Rampant At European Sporting Events

July 4 is upon us, so today is a day to honor and cherish the United States of America. Baseball players and fans will do so in ballparks across the nation, finding extra meaning in today’s rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner. However, U.S. athletes do not enjoy the same freedoms when traveling across the Atlantic. This summer, European sporting events have been consistently hostile toward American athletes.


The latest example came on Monday, when Shenay Perry was routed 6-2, 6-0 in the fourth round of Wimbledon by Russia’s Elena Dementieva. With Perry’s elimination, no American male or female was still alive in singles play. Perry was philosophical about the defeat. She remarked, “It would have been great to make the quarterfinals, but seriously, even I’ve never heard of me!” Like the Founding Fathers more than two centuries ago, Perry sacrificed so that others may benefit. In her case, the defeat allowed fans to enjoy a Russian Hottie Fest between Dementieva and Maria Sharapova.


Saturday’s third round particularly showed how unwelcome the Americans were in England. Playing in the last Wimbledon of his great career, Andre Agassi fell in straight sets to Rafael Nadal. The second-seeded Spaniard, practically unbeatable on clay, rudely decided to play great tennis on grass. That same day, defending women’s champion Venus Williams and two-time men’s runner-up Andy Roddick were also eliminated. The Brits shed no tears for them. After Roddick won a point during his defeat to Andy Murray, the public address announcer informed the spectators, “Advantage Mr. Roddick.” Normally he would stop there, but the announcer continued, “But he’ll lose anyway. Mandy Moore was too good for that wanker.”


Last month’s French Open was just as unfriendly toward U.S. players. No Americans made the semifinals after Venus Williams fell in the quarters. James Blake, the last American man, was eliminated in the third round. The tournament has a history of hostility toward U.S. men, being the only Grand Slam singles title eluding Pete Sampras and Jimmy Connors. Many tired stereotypes exist about the French, particularly when it comes to being rude to American visitors. However, such an image came to life after Blake’s defeat, when a group of beret-wearing men stormed onto the court and attacked Blake with baguettes while praising Jerry Lewis.


Europe’s anti-U.S. antagonism was not confined to tennis, as shown by the World Cup held in Germany. Feeling confident with a #5 world ranking, the Americans were promptly dismissed after two losses and a draw. To their credit, the Italians did have a guilty conscience about the America-bashing, even putting a ball into their own goal to make the U.S. feel happy. However, the group stage ended with the USA heading home in humiliation. It is unclear why this squad received such hostile treatment in Germany. At no time during the tournament could this team be considered offensive.


The harsh treatment of American athletes in Europe undoubtedly stems from the continent’s disapproval of the Bush administration. European protests have been constant throughout the Iraq war. President Bush is often viewed as a bully, unilaterally pushing his own agenda while failing to join other nations in supporting measures such as the Kyoto Protocol. Just this week, the President infuriated Portugal by expressing his condemnation of Lisbon marriages.


The anti-Americanism is likely to continue at the Tour de France, which is no longer a sure bet to bring victory for the USA. For the first time since 1998, the Tour will crown a champion other than Lance Armstrong. The doping-related expulsions of co-favorites Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso have seemingly enhanced the chances of Americans Floyd Landis, Levi Leipheimer, and George Hincapie. However, they are unlikely to overcome a controversial new rule. During the race’s concluding stage on July 23, all U.S. cyclists are required to ride tricycles into Paris.


Americans will hope for friendlier treatment that same day at the British Open. However, fans of Scottish golfer Colin Montgomerie have other ideas. Desperately wanting Monty to win his first major, his supporters have successfully lobbied for golfers from the United Kingdom to receive one mulligan per round. Monty’s backers are also rumored to have sent false e-mails to Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, indicating that the tournament has been moved to October.


Despite the harsh treatment they’ve endured in Europe, American athletes can appreciate the freedoms they enjoy at home. Today they can celebrate the Declaration of Independence, ratified 230 years ago in Philadelphia. Where antagonism toward athletes would never be acceptable.

Annan Heckles U.S. UN Ambassador After Ghana's Victory

Ghana eliminated the United States from the World Cup today with a 2-1 victory. The defeat was a huge disappointment for an American team eager to make an impact on the international soccer landscape. John Bolton, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, is particularly frustrated by today’s result. Bolton has had to endure merciless taunting from UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan, a native of Ghana.


Touted as the best American squad in history, the U.S. turned out to be highly overrated. Despite a difficult draw, the team expected much better than a draw and two defeats in its matches. Italy scored as many goals for the U.S. as the American players did. This lack of offense came from a squad ranked fifth in the world by FIFA. However, those rankings are largely considered unreliable, particularly since the #8 position went to the team from Bend It Like Beckham led by Parminder Nagra and Keira Knightley.


This ineptitude has led Annan to drop by Bolton’s office for a regular dose of heckling. It began immediately after today’s final whistle with Annan asking, “Hey Bolton, do you know what ‘USA’ stands for? ‘Ugly Soccer Always!’” He continued, “I know it’s hard to find enough players in a nation of 300 million – that’s really tough odds against our 22 million.” In a subsequent e-mail, the Secretary-General wrote, “Bolton, sorry about the hard time I gave you. I know the U.S. isn’t a soccer country. But at least you still dominate in baseball. Whoops, forgot about the World Baseball Classic. Well, not everything is as automatic as a gold medal in men’s basketball. Wait, never mind…”


Annan also incorporated significant UN issues into his abuse. He informed Bolton, “When Americans say, ‘Bring our troops home,’ ‘troops’ does not mean ‘soccer team.’” The Secretary-General then appeared to take a serious tone, noting, “I really do care about the U.S. World Cup team. The UN is committed to assisting anyone who is downtrodden.” After some chuckles, he added, “But things will get better – maybe Angelina Jolie will adopt them.” After Annan walked away, Bolton complained to his assistant, “I feel like I’m in Guantanamo Bay.”


Annan acted in a similar manner after Ghana’s 2-0 defeat of the Czech Republic last Saturday. He gave plenty of ribbing to Hynek Kmoníček, Czech Ambassador to the UN. Annan proclaimed, “Sorry Hynek, your Czechs got bounced!” He then took a Post-it note on Kmoníček’s desk, writing “Prague-nosis: Defeat” before sticking the note onto the ambassador’s computer screen.


However, the Secretary-General surely takes particular joy in getting under Bolton’s skin. The ambassador has alienated many at the UN’s New York headquarters with his blunt manner. He has often been sharply critical of the UN and has called for widespread reform. Of course, the war in Iraq makes Bolton, as well as the nation he represents, even more unpopular at the UN. However, Annan noted that U.S. coach Bruce Arena clearly desires peace, because “his guys never go on the offensive.”


Annan is unlikely to be so giddy on Tuesday, when Ghana takes on powerhouse Brazil in the knockout round. However, do not expect Brazilian UN ambassador Ronaldo Mota Sardenberg to gloat if his country triumphs. By authority of the UN Charter, Annan could banish him from the premises with a red card.

Fun Facts About the World Cup

Germany is the sports capital of the world this month as it hosts the World Cup. Competition begins Friday, with the Germans taking on Costa Rica. The fervor of soccer fans in most of the participating nations is generally not matched in the USA. However, this quick primer should make you a little more informed about the World Cup and soccer in general.


Contrary to popular belief, the World Cup was not named for former NBA guard World B. Free. His high scoring was contradictory to the principles of soccer.

The World Cup is the most widely-viewed sporting event in the world. Surprisingly, second place belongs to the Meineke Car Care Bowl.

In most countries, soccer is known as football. Unlike American football announcers, soccer broadcasters do not feel the need to constantly remind fans of what sport they are watching (“These football players are playing great football in this football game.”)

Brazil, attempting to repeat as champion, is the only country to previously accomplish the feat. Their 1962 triumph delivered on a guarantee made during the 1958 victory celebration by Pat Riley.

The sport’s most well-known rule is that players, excluding the goalkeeper, are forbidden to use their hands. One major exception is that soccer-playing pirates may utilize their hooks.

In 1994, Cameroon’s Roger Milla became the oldest player to score a goal in the World Cup, at 42 years and 39 days. Last week, he signed a contract to pitch for the Houston Astros.

A player expelled from a game receives a red card. His team plays the rest of the game a man short. On the bright side, a red card entitles the recipient to a free sub at Quizno’s.

This year brings the first World Cup appearance for Trinidad & Tobago, Ivory Coast, Angola, Ghana, Togo, and Ukraine. These teams will be hazed by the others, forced to sing their fight songs at meals.

Soccer’s international governing body is FIFA, which stands for Football Is Frickin’ Awesome!

The United States team is rooting heavily for the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals. They feel that if Dirk Nowitzki wins a championship in the USA, the Germans should allow them to do the same in their country.

The modern game of soccer was developed in England in the 1800s, in response to Queen Victoria’s request for an activity to bring hooligans together.

The 1978 championship match was the only one since 1950 that did not include either Brazil or Germany. On that occasion, the Netherlands lost to Taylor Hicks.

A “Golden Goal” is a game-winner scored in sudden-death overtime. The Golden Goal earns the scorer a trip to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

The official FIFA World Cup Trophy goes on loan for four years to the victorious nation. Many fakes have turned up on EBay, with some versions listing Krypton as the 1982 champion.

England still fumes over a 1986 loss to Argentina, cursing Diego Maradona’s infamous “Hand of God.” Similarly, Gary Coleman still fumes over his noogies on the Diff’rent Strokes set, cursing Todd Bridges’ infamous “Hand of Todd.”

The legendary Pele’s signature move was the bicycle kick, which allowed him to win the World Cup and Tour de France in the same summer.

Iran defeated the United States in a 1998 match, but it is otherwise winless at the World Cup. Sports talk radio callers in Tehran complain, “Sure, we get up for the Great Satan, but where’s that intensity against the run-of-the-mill Satans?”

Andres Cantor is a Telemundo broadcaster celebrated for shouting “GOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLL!!!” He routinely keeps the call going for longer than David Blaine was under water.

In 1994, Brazil needed penalty kicks to defeat Italy for the championship. Italy’s final penalty kick was booted miserably wide by Mike Vanderjagt.

The referee adds stoppage time at the conclusion of each half due to delays from injuries and substitutions. Dick Clark has the same authority at the end of each year.


The competition culminates on July 9, when a champion is crowned. Just as Florida had “One Shining Moment” in Indianapolis, one elated nation will enjoy “Ein Glänzender Moment” in Berlin.