Annan Heckles U.S. UN Ambassador After Ghana's Victory

Ghana eliminated the United States from the World Cup today with a 2-1 victory. The defeat was a huge disappointment for an American team eager to make an impact on the international soccer landscape. John Bolton, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, is particularly frustrated by today’s result. Bolton has had to endure merciless taunting from UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan, a native of Ghana.


Touted as the best American squad in history, the U.S. turned out to be highly overrated. Despite a difficult draw, the team expected much better than a draw and two defeats in its matches. Italy scored as many goals for the U.S. as the American players did. This lack of offense came from a squad ranked fifth in the world by FIFA. However, those rankings are largely considered unreliable, particularly since the #8 position went to the team from Bend It Like Beckham led by Parminder Nagra and Keira Knightley.


This ineptitude has led Annan to drop by Bolton’s office for a regular dose of heckling. It began immediately after today’s final whistle with Annan asking, “Hey Bolton, do you know what ‘USA’ stands for? ‘Ugly Soccer Always!’” He continued, “I know it’s hard to find enough players in a nation of 300 million – that’s really tough odds against our 22 million.” In a subsequent e-mail, the Secretary-General wrote, “Bolton, sorry about the hard time I gave you. I know the U.S. isn’t a soccer country. But at least you still dominate in baseball. Whoops, forgot about the World Baseball Classic. Well, not everything is as automatic as a gold medal in men’s basketball. Wait, never mind…”


Annan also incorporated significant UN issues into his abuse. He informed Bolton, “When Americans say, ‘Bring our troops home,’ ‘troops’ does not mean ‘soccer team.’” The Secretary-General then appeared to take a serious tone, noting, “I really do care about the U.S. World Cup team. The UN is committed to assisting anyone who is downtrodden.” After some chuckles, he added, “But things will get better – maybe Angelina Jolie will adopt them.” After Annan walked away, Bolton complained to his assistant, “I feel like I’m in Guantanamo Bay.”


Annan acted in a similar manner after Ghana’s 2-0 defeat of the Czech Republic last Saturday. He gave plenty of ribbing to Hynek Kmoníček, Czech Ambassador to the UN. Annan proclaimed, “Sorry Hynek, your Czechs got bounced!” He then took a Post-it note on Kmoníček’s desk, writing “Prague-nosis: Defeat” before sticking the note onto the ambassador’s computer screen.


However, the Secretary-General surely takes particular joy in getting under Bolton’s skin. The ambassador has alienated many at the UN’s New York headquarters with his blunt manner. He has often been sharply critical of the UN and has called for widespread reform. Of course, the war in Iraq makes Bolton, as well as the nation he represents, even more unpopular at the UN. However, Annan noted that U.S. coach Bruce Arena clearly desires peace, because “his guys never go on the offensive.”


Annan is unlikely to be so giddy on Tuesday, when Ghana takes on powerhouse Brazil in the knockout round. However, do not expect Brazilian UN ambassador Ronaldo Mota Sardenberg to gloat if his country triumphs. By authority of the UN Charter, Annan could banish him from the premises with a red card.

Red Sox Nation Joins the UN

Today at its New York headquarters, the United Nations officially welcomed Red Sox Nation as its newest member.  UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan noted that the General Assembly was greatly impressed by Red Sox Nation’s new-found prosperity after 86 years of hard times.  Annan denied claims that the move was motivated by his desire to procure “wicked awesome seats” in Fenway Park for the postseason.

 

Red Sox Nation’s membership had been blocked for many years because UN members were skeptical that the group could succeed in New York.  A seemingly certain entry in 1986 was bungled at the last minute.  More recently, its 2003 membership bid was denied at the 11th hour due to the efforts of a delegate with an otherwise inconsequential stint in New York.

 

President Bush harshly denounced the move amid rumors that he plans to invade Red Sox Nation.  The president cited Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz as evidence that Red Sox Nation is harboring weapons of mass destruction.  He also lambasted Carl Yastrzemski, Red Sox Nation’s UN ambassador, for having “a really hard name to spell.”  Reportedly President Bush made the same criticism of Jim Rice.

 

Despite opposition from the president, Red Sox Nation’s membership was endorsed by 13 of the 15 UN Security Council members.  The only other dissenter was Raider Nation, apparently still bitter about the “Tuck Rule Game” and holding a grudge toward all New England sports fans.  Annan reportedly incensed Raider Nation by playfully re-enacting Adam Vinatieri’s game-winning kick from that matchup, but other Security Council members commented, “That’s just Kofi being Kofi.”

 

Red Sox Nation is eager to work with all the United Nations agencies.  It has already been very active with the World Health Organization in the hopes that the WHO can assist Boston’s injury-plagued pitching staff.  Overall, the UN is confident in this belief: you can’t work for world peace without a Green Monster.