Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Red Sox Nation Joins the UN

Today at its New York headquarters, the United Nations officially welcomed Red Sox Nation as its newest member.  UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan noted that the General Assembly was greatly impressed by Red Sox Nation’s new-found prosperity after 86 years of hard times.  Annan denied claims that the move was motivated by his desire to procure “wicked awesome seats” in Fenway Park for the postseason.


Red Sox Nation’s membership had been blocked for many years because UN members were skeptical that the group could succeed in New York.  A seemingly certain entry in 1986 was bungled at the last minute.  More recently, its 2003 membership bid was denied at the 11th hour due to the efforts of a delegate with an otherwise inconsequential stint in New York.


President Bush harshly denounced the move amid rumors that he plans to invade Red Sox Nation.  The president cited Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz as evidence that Red Sox Nation is harboring weapons of mass destruction.  He also lambasted Carl Yastrzemski, Red Sox Nation’s UN ambassador, for having “a really hard name to spell.”  Reportedly President Bush made the same criticism of Jim Rice.


Despite opposition from the president, Red Sox Nation’s membership was endorsed by 13 of the 15 UN Security Council members.  The only other dissenter was Raider Nation, apparently still bitter about the “Tuck Rule Game” and holding a grudge toward all New England sports fans.  Annan reportedly incensed Raider Nation by playfully re-enacting Adam Vinatieri’s game-winning kick from that matchup, but other Security Council members commented, “That’s just Kofi being Kofi.”


Red Sox Nation is eager to work with all the United Nations agencies.  It has already been very active with the World Health Organization in the hopes that the WHO can assist Boston’s injury-plagued pitching staff.  Overall, the UN is confident in this belief: you can’t work for world peace without a Green Monster.