Marion Jones To Enter 2008 Tour De France

The past week has not been kind to sprinter Marion Jones. After years of steadfast denials, she admitted to having used performance-enhancing drugs. This mea culpa came as she pled guilty to lying to federal investigators about her involvement in the BALCO case, as well as check fraud. Jones returned her five medals from the 2000 Sydney Olympics and retired from track and field, from which she had been suspended for two years. However, the disgraced speedster has already found an alternative to fill the void. Today Jones announced her plans to enter the 2008 Tour de France.


Jones explained her decision thusly: “Most people assume that everyone in the Tour de France is on steroids. So I’ll feel right at home!” Indeed, Floyd Landis was recently stripped of his 2006 title due to a failed drug test after Stage 17 of that Tour. That same year, pre-race favorites Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso were barred from competing on the eve of the race due to doping allegations. In 2007, leader Michael Rasmussen was removed from the race with four stages remaining, amid a dispute with the Danish Cycling Union over his availability for previous drug tests. While 7-time winner Lance Armstrong has never been sanctioned, he continues to be dogged by doping allegations. Jones would fit right in with this environment, even if she breaks away from the peloton to win a stage. She’ll not only be in the clear, she’ll be ON The Clear.


If possible, cycling seems even more drug-infested than track and field. Jones’s admission was stunning to sports fans, at least the ones who ignored that her ex-husband, shot-putter C.J. (“Caught Juicing”) Hunter, was a confirmed drug cheat. Or that the same was true of sprinter Tim Montgomery, the father of her child. Or that her name was all over the BALCO investigation and within the pages of Game of Shadows. Or that fellow track athletes continued to implicate her for doping. Or that…


In response to Jones’s admission, United States Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Ueberroth apologized to the people of Australia for the impact on the 2000 Games. He noted that one of the returned gold medals would be sent to boxer Roy Jones, Jr., since “he’s a Jones who actually deserved the gold!” Ueberroth also vowed, “We are pledging that we will have a totally clean team for the 2008 games in Beijing." In related news, next year’s U.S. Olympic contingent will consist of the rhythmic gymnastics and archery teams.


Most Tour insiders are skeptical that a cycling novice like Jones will be competitive. However, she has shown that she can succeed in sports other than track and field, having played for North Carolina’s 1994 NCAA women’s basketball champions. Having ruled on the (Chapel) Hill, she feels confident that she can do so in the mountains. Jones has already petitioned tour officials in an effort to improve her chances. She has requested that each stage of the race be exactly 100 meters long.


Whatever the result, her new athletic endeavor will likely prove beneficial for Jones. Currently, she has been besieged by bad publicity in her home country. By participating in the Tour de France, she will avoid any publicity at all in the United States. She will also be a trend-setter as the only woman on The Tour (though a much shorter Women’s Tour de France does exist). Facing potential jail time, Jones could achieve another historic first if she takes the overall lead. She would be the first Tour leader to forgo the traditional yellow jersey in favor of an orange jumpsuit.


Her Tour participation should also help from a financial perspective, especially while the International Association of Athletics Federations seeks to recover prize money and appearance fees from Jones. Tour winnings would help cover amounts owed to the IAAF, but potentially even more lucrative is a pending book collaboration with British author Helen Fielding. The women would join efforts on Marion Jones’s Diary, in which the speedster would intersperse recaps of the race with a neurotic outlook on weight struggles, smoking, drinking, and her obsession with Mark Darcy. A film adaptation is already rumored, with the part of Marion Jones to be played by either Renée Zellweger or Barry Bonds.


It remains to be seen how Marion Jones will adapt to the Tour de France. However, the Olympic movement is showing that it will adjust to the current drug-laden environment. Reportedly, organizers for the Beijing Games are planning a new touch for the lead-in to the opening ceremonies. Rather than a torch relay, a series of runners will pass a syringe to each other.

"The View" Eliminates Gatlin, Landis From Co-Host Consideration

With the recent departure of Star Jones-Reynolds, The View is searching for a new co-host. Fans of the female-oriented talk show are eager to know the next addition to the ensemble. View producers have made it clear that their set is not a place for testosterone. Therefore, sprinter Justin Gatlin and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis have been eliminated from consideration.


Testosterone has brought tremendous scrutiny to both athletes. Gatlin announced that he had tested positive for “testosterone or its precursors” following an April 22 race. Gatlin, the 100-meter Olympic gold medalist in 2004, claimed that he never knowingly used any banned substances, and he plans to vigorously challenge the results. He could face a lifetime ban and be stripped of his world record, shared with Asafa Powell with a time of 9.77 seconds. Coincidentally, The View has inspired millions of men to emulate Gatlin’s performance on the track. When women sit down to watch the show, their husbands sprint out of the room at record speed.


A drug test for Landis revealed an “A” sample with an illegally high ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone after Stage 17 of the Tour. The results of the “B” sample are expected on Saturday. Stage 17 was the defining leg of Landis’s victory, as he jumped from 11th place to third, just 30 seconds behind the leader. Like Gatlin, he professes his innocence and claims that his seemingly unbelievable Stage 17 performance had nothing to do with illegal substances. Landis insists that his dominance resulted because he raced on a motorcycle that day. Amazingly, no Tour officials noticed.


The scandals cast a further shadow on two sports in which doping issues have been far too common. Track and cycling are widely viewed as havens for cheaters. The governing bodies of both sports are eager to eliminate these types of controversies. Then they can concentrate on the actual competitions and go back to being ignored by Americans.


In the meantime, representatives for each man shrewdly opted to make their athletes available for The View. In doing so, they hoped to convince the public that they could not possibly have an overabundance of testosterone. To further support this PR strategy, Gatlin and Landis have refused all offers to appear in beer commercials, and each man has cancelled his subscription to Maxim. Additionally, both men have consistently remarked during interviews how much they adored The Devil Wears Prada.


However, producers from The View were fully aware of the results and refused to play along with their plan. A spokeswoman for the show remarked, “We absolutely forbid testosterone on The View, so Justin Gatlin and Floyd Landis are not welcome here.” An observer added, “You tell ‘em, girl!” The announcement came on the heels of Mel Gibson’s decision to take himself out of the co-host sweepstakes. Reportedly, Gibson had believed that the show was called The Jew.


Representatives for Gatlin and Landis were disappointed by the show’s decision. One associate even called the stance hypocritical. “If they’re so anti-testosterone,” he asked, “why did they hire Rosie O’Donnell?” He added that Barbara Walters should not be above suspicion, since talking with a lisp is a common side effect of testosterone use.


The View will proceed in its search without Gatlin and Landis. However, the two men still have an opportunity to show that they are not driven by testosterone. They can plead their cases as guests on Oprah. She welcomes all athletes, as long as their physical activities do not include couch-jumping.

Tiger Woods To Enter 2007 Tour De France

Sunday in Paris, Floyd Landis realized the ultimate achievement in cycling as he won the Tour de France. On the heels of Lance Armstrong’s seven straight victories, it was the eighth championship in a row for a U.S. rider. Next year, another American hopes to experience victory on the Champs-Elysées. Tiger Woods has announced his intention to enter the 2007 Tour de France.


Woods had his own moment of glory Sunday, winning his third British Open and 11th major championship overall. It was an emotional occasion, representing his first major title since the passing of his father Earl. However, in one respect the victory was like all ten of his previous triumphs. Tiger had led by one stroke as play began on Sunday, and he is now 11-0 when leading after three rounds at a major. Tournament officials at Royal Liverpool Golf Club considered canceling the final round, knowing that the outcome was no longer in doubt. However, out of custom and respect for the fans, they proceeded with play on Sunday.


The Tour de France is similar to a Tiger-led major, as the concluding Sunday is merely considered a formality. A 59-second advantage, achieved by Landis in the penultimate stage on Saturday, was considered insurmountable in Sunday’s short and flat final stage. Therefore, Woods feels that he would be at home in France, assuming that he can grab the lead before the final stage. All he has to do is change sports, survive an indescribably grueling competition through thousands of miles of country roads and mountains, and outrace the best cyclists in the world. The Jack Nicklaus comparisons would then cease, as Nicklaus never finished better than third at the Tour de France.


If Tiger does lead the Tour on the final Sunday, he will have to adapt his attire. A treasured tradition of the event is that the leader wears the yellow jersey. However, Woods famously wears red on Sunday during golf tournaments. He has been so successful maintaining the lead while wearing red, other Tigers are following suit. As long as they sit atop the American League Central, the Detroit Tigers plan to wear red shirts during Sunday games. Woods is willing to forgo his beloved red in favor of yellow, but he does plan to ask Tour officials for one accommodation. He would like to wear a green jacket over the yellow jersey.


The magic of the yellow jersey apparently does not extend to Tiger’s current sport. Sergio Garcia, his final round partner at the British Open, wore a yellow shirt and yellow pants on Sunday. Unlike Landis, Garcia faltered in yellow, shooting a 73 and finishing seven shots behind. Sergio refused to blame his attire, claiming that his struggles resulted from being Sergio Garcia in the final round of a major. On the bright side, his all-yellow ensemble has made him the favorite to star as Big Bird in the next tour of Sesame Street Live.


As an American rider, Woods is also required to endure a debilitating health issue before he can win the Tour. Greg LeMond, the first U.S. victor, captured two of his three championships after being severely injured in a hunting accident. Armstrong famously overcame cancer before his historic run. Landis is afflicted with a hip ailment, osteonecrosis, and plans to undergo hip replacement surgery. In turn, Tiger has already planned how to get injured, answering the dreams of golf rivals Phil Mickelson, Vijay Singh, and Ernie Els in the process. Woods has invited the trio to send him to the emergency room by striking him repeatedly with their favorite clubs.


One final challenge will remain for Tiger before he joins next year’s Tour de France. It is common knowledge that no competitive cyclist can be taken seriously unless he has rampant doping rumors swirling around him. Therefore, Woods has hired a publicist who specializes in making steroid allegations against athletes. After the charges circulate to the point that he is frequently labeled as a cheater, Tiger will be prepared for the rigors of the Tour.


In the end, Woods expects to hoist a champagne glass next July as he pedals to Paris in victory. Golf does not provide the same opportunity, as drinking would be out of place for a champion golfer before he finishes the final round. Unless it’s John Daly.

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