A Roger Clemens Spin on Samuel Clemens

One of the giants of American literature, Mark Twain was born Samuel Langhorne Clemens. These days, most sports fans view another Clemens as a prolific storyteller. Roger’s testimony before Congress may not endure as long as Twain’s works. However, the Rocket is quite knowledgeable about his namesake author. Here’s a look at how today’s Clemens views ten famous works from the earlier Clemens.


Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: Twain’s masterpiece is among the books most frequently banned from libraries. Since it is a banned substance, Roger denies that Brian McNamee ever injected Huck Finn into his buttocks.

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: Tom nobly took a whipping to protect sweetheart Becky Thatcher. But Roger would advise Tom, “If anyone asks about HGH, say Becky’s the one who took it.”

The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County: Roger insists that the frog’s jumping was due solely to his religious workout regimen, and he was never injected with anything other than B-12.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court: Whether in the 1800s, medieval England, or 2008, Roger doesn’t think a Yankee should have to show up in ANYONE’S court.

The Gilded Age: Roger insists, “I never took gilds during the Gilded Age, so there’s no way I could have taken steroids during the Steroid Era!”

Innocents Abroad: “It’s Samuel Clemens’ Innocents Abroad,” notes Roger. “Shorten that, and you get ‘Clemens innocent.’ Case closed!”

Life on the Mississippi: “The Mighty Mississippi is a natural wonder,” states Roger. “So why can’t I be mighty and natural?”

The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg: Roger emphasizes, “I’ve never played in Hadleyburg, so you can’t pin that one on me!”

The Prince and the Pauper: Asked why the book has a happy ending, Roger replies, “Because the pauper never told lies about the prince to George Mitchell!”

Pudd’nhead Wilson: “Okay, this one got published when Twain was 58,” remarks an annoyed Roger. “But I’m supposed to be washed up in my 30s??? Come on!!!”

The Margaret Mitchell Report

The sports world has been abuzz in recent days, following the issuance of the Mitchell Report. The document summarized the findings of former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell after his investigation into the use of performance-enhancing drugs by major league baseball players. The inclusion of Roger Clemens was the most significant topic of conversation, while other prominent players such as Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada, and Barry Bonds were also named in the report.

To many, these revelations are nothing new. In fact, an all-time classic movie from 1939 contained numerous quotes with relevance for the issue of performance-enhancing substances. Gone With the Wind was originally a novel written by another Mitchell (Margaret). The film screenplay was actually adapted by Sidney Howard, but as far as I know, there was no Howard Report in sports this week. Therefore, with quotes from Gone With the Wind, and their relevance to the present-day findings from George Mitchell, I bring you the Margaret Mitchell Report:


“It will come to you, this love of the land.” (Gerald O’Hara): And love of the cream, and the clear, and …

“It ain’t fittin’…it ain’t fittin.’ It jes’ ain’t fittin’…It ain’t fittin.’” (Mammy): A players’ wardrobe after bulking up from steroids.

“With enough courage, you can do without a reputation.” (Rhett Butler): Words to live by, for players named in the report.

“Take a good luck my dear. It’s an historic moment you can tell your grandchildren about how you watched the Old South fall one night.” (Rhett): This quote is a bit off target, since the biggest losers were Yankees.

“I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” (Scarlett O’Hara): A player’s response, when warned about the health risks of steroids.

“As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!” (Scarlett): Steroid use often leads to an increased appetite.

“I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies!” (Prissy): Side effects of steroids include reduced sperm count and infertility.

“Fiddle-dee-dee!” (Scarlett): An expression of ‘roid rage, edited for 1939 audiences.

“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” (Rhett): Substitute “injected” for “kissed,” and it’s how Jose Canseco introduced himself to new teammates.

“You’re like the thief who isn’t the least bit sorry he stole, but is terribly, terribly sorry he’s going to jail.” (Rhett): A comment addressing the scores of lame non-apologies sure to be coming.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Rhett): 1990s response to the steroid issue from Bud Selig and Donald Fehr.

“After all… tomorrow is another day.” (Scarlett): An obvious statement, just like “lots of major leaguers used steroids.”

Lasorda Revealed As Secret BALCO Grand Jury Source

Thursday a federal judge ordered San Francisco Chronicle reporters Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada to jail, pending appeal, for refusing to reveal their source for leaked grand jury testimony in the BALCO case. The testimony provided a portion of the material used by the reporters in a series of articles in the Chronicle, as well as the best-selling book Game of Shadows. Williams and Fainaru-Wada insist that they will continue to honor the confidentiality of their information provider, even facing the threat of prison time. However, Jack’s Sports Humor has learned the identity of the secret source: former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda.


Game of Shadows and the Chronicle articles implicated numerous high-profile athletes as users of illegal performance-enhancing drugs. 2000 American League MVP Jason Giambi and longtime NFL bad boy Bill Romanowski were among many stars linked to BALCO’s steroid distribution. However, San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds was undeniably the face of the scandal. And the gigantic head.


The involvement of Bonds appears to be the primary reason for Lasorda to leak details of the grand jury testimony. Famously bleeding Dodger blue, Tommy makes no secret of his animosity toward the hated Giants. As the face of the Giants since 1993, Barry has often been a thorn in the side of his southern California rivals. Most notably, in 2001 he broke Mark McGwire’s single-season home run record against the Dodgers, smacking three round-trippers on the final weekend to wind up with 73. Also, Bonds reportedly made anonymous phone calls to the Los Angeles front office, imploring them to grant long-term, big-money contracts to Kevin Brown and Darren Dreifort.


Lasorda also had issues with others implicated in the BALCO investigation. Gary Sheffield repeatedly blasted Tommy’s beloved Dodger organization before being traded from L.A. to Atlanta in 2002. Benito Santiago greatly contributed to Cincinnati’s three-game sweep over the Dodgers in the 1995 National League Division Series – Lasorda’s final playoff appearance as a manager. Santiago also dared to be a rare non-Dodger to win National League Rookie of the Year, as a San Diego Padre in 1987. Track star Marion Jones won five medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, upstaging the surprising U.S. baseball gold medalists managed by Lasorda. The manager reportedly fumed, “She only supports the USA when it stands for Uncontrollable Steroid Abuse!”


Beyond personal grudges, Lasorda had another motivation in disclosing the grand jury testimony. For years, he was a spokesman for Slim-Fast. However, BALCO promoted the benefits of bulking up in the quest for athletic greatness. “All those years I told people how great it was to lose weight. Then these guys become huge, put up ridiculous stats, and make millions of dollars,” he noted. “I looked like an idiot!”


The question many legal experts will ask is how Tommy gained access to the confidential information. Apparently, he was able to enter the courtroom by posing as a court reporter. It seems strange that the judge did not expel him from the courtroom, particularly since Lasorda apparently recorded the grand jury testimony while wearing a Dodgers uniform. Also, the transcript of the testimony ended with the sentence “Reggie Jackson totally interfered with that double play in ’78!”


Williams and Fainaru-Wada have drawn comparisons to The Washington Post’s Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, whose Watergate investigation was chronicled in All the President’s Men. Woodward and Bernstein’s historic work is often cited in emphasizing the importance of anonymous sources for reporters. Their most celebrated information provider was known solely as Deep Throat for over 30 years until Mark Felt’s 2005 admission to being the mystery man. In a similar vein, the unknown source for Williams and Fainaru-Wada was simply referred to as Deep-Dish Lasagna.


The Chronicle reporters have received strong support from other journalists in their insistence on preserving the confidentiality of their source. They are absolutely correct in not telling us that it was Lasorda. Likewise, I pledge to fiercely protect the identity of my source for this article. Phillie Phanatic, your secret is safe with me.

Report: Ricky Bobby Tests Positive For Steroids

With five races remaining before The Chase For the Nextel Cup begins, compelling storylines are abundant in NASCAR. Points leader Jimmie Johnson has not let up since his Daytona 500 victory. Marquee names Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. hope to hold on for one of the coveted ten spots in The Chase. However, the sport’s major storyline this week is one of controversy. A report has surfaced that star driver Ricky Bobby has tested positive for steroids.


The bombshell is just the latest development this summer in the sports world’s involvement with performance-enhancing drugs. The steroid problem has cast a persistent shadow over major league baseball. Tests for sprinter Justin Gatlin and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis revealed an overabundance of testosterone for both athletes. Gatlin and Landis maintain their innocence, and Landis vows to continue his goal of making new excuses until the problem goes away. Asked for comment about those two, Bobby seemed to invite suspicion when he declared, “Nobody’s got more testosterone than me! Just don’t ask me how to spell it.”


The recent controversies have increased skepticism about how clean today’s athletes are. However, Bobby’s reported positive test shows that steroid use has reached a level few would have expected. It is so rampant, it has apparently spread to fictional characters. It is true that steroid rumors swirled around Soviet boxer Ivan Drago in 1985 when he pummeled Apollo Creed to his death. However, testing procedures were woefully inadequate at the time. Now fans will wonder whether other great sports accomplishments on film were legitimate. Hickory High School basketball legend Jimmy Chitwood took a proactive step, angrily denying that his dramatic game winner in Hoosiers was chemically enhanced.


One NASCAR driver, speaking under condition of anonymity, claims that Bobby is well-known as a steroid user. According to the source, Bobby’s bulking-up once led him to be known as Frank the Tank, and he consorted with a notorious supplier known as The Godfather. The driver claims that he has incriminating footage of one of Bobby’s workouts, in which he goes swimming with a syringe in his neck.


The controversy has also brought a cloud of suspicion around Bobby’s longtime friend and racing partner Cal Naughton, Jr. Since the pair is known for doing everything as a team, many assume that Naughton was using banned substances along with Bobby. One insider speculated that Bobby and Naughton’s famous “Shake and Bake” credo refers to the steroids named shakenol and bakeandriol. Reached for comment, Naughton declared, “I ain’t never used steroids.” He continued, “Unless Ricky admits that he did. Then I used ‘em too, since we’re a team.”


Bobby himself claims that a French conspiracy is at work. “It’s like that guy on the bike, Neil Armstrong,” he remarked. “They couldn’t beat ‘em, so they said he was on drugs.” Bobby referenced his heated rivalry with driver Jean Girard and charged that NASCAR was biased in favor of the Frenchman. He commented, “Think about it. The guy in charge of NASCAR is Brian FRANCE. No one would be on my case if Brian America was in charge.”


The positive result is expected to be confirmed at a news conference this afternoon. Bobby continues to deny steroid use, stating, “I live my life according to Baby Jesus. And Baby Jesus never give me no steroids.” Insiders expect confirmation of the positive result to bring an immediate suspension for Bobby. He also could be forced to relinquish last weekend’s box office victory. Additionally, when he is allowed to resume racing, NASCAR will likely reduce his allowable sponsorships to no more than 75.


If those punishments occur, Ricky Bobby will no longer be associated with the Nextel Cup. The only cup that will matter is the one he peed into.

"The View" Eliminates Gatlin, Landis From Co-Host Consideration

With the recent departure of Star Jones-Reynolds, The View is searching for a new co-host. Fans of the female-oriented talk show are eager to know the next addition to the ensemble. View producers have made it clear that their set is not a place for testosterone. Therefore, sprinter Justin Gatlin and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis have been eliminated from consideration.


Testosterone has brought tremendous scrutiny to both athletes. Gatlin announced that he had tested positive for “testosterone or its precursors” following an April 22 race. Gatlin, the 100-meter Olympic gold medalist in 2004, claimed that he never knowingly used any banned substances, and he plans to vigorously challenge the results. He could face a lifetime ban and be stripped of his world record, shared with Asafa Powell with a time of 9.77 seconds. Coincidentally, The View has inspired millions of men to emulate Gatlin’s performance on the track. When women sit down to watch the show, their husbands sprint out of the room at record speed.


A drug test for Landis revealed an “A” sample with an illegally high ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone after Stage 17 of the Tour. The results of the “B” sample are expected on Saturday. Stage 17 was the defining leg of Landis’s victory, as he jumped from 11th place to third, just 30 seconds behind the leader. Like Gatlin, he professes his innocence and claims that his seemingly unbelievable Stage 17 performance had nothing to do with illegal substances. Landis insists that his dominance resulted because he raced on a motorcycle that day. Amazingly, no Tour officials noticed.


The scandals cast a further shadow on two sports in which doping issues have been far too common. Track and cycling are widely viewed as havens for cheaters. The governing bodies of both sports are eager to eliminate these types of controversies. Then they can concentrate on the actual competitions and go back to being ignored by Americans.


In the meantime, representatives for each man shrewdly opted to make their athletes available for The View. In doing so, they hoped to convince the public that they could not possibly have an overabundance of testosterone. To further support this PR strategy, Gatlin and Landis have refused all offers to appear in beer commercials, and each man has cancelled his subscription to Maxim. Additionally, both men have consistently remarked during interviews how much they adored The Devil Wears Prada.


However, producers from The View were fully aware of the results and refused to play along with their plan. A spokeswoman for the show remarked, “We absolutely forbid testosterone on The View, so Justin Gatlin and Floyd Landis are not welcome here.” An observer added, “You tell ‘em, girl!” The announcement came on the heels of Mel Gibson’s decision to take himself out of the co-host sweepstakes. Reportedly, Gibson had believed that the show was called The Jew.


Representatives for Gatlin and Landis were disappointed by the show’s decision. One associate even called the stance hypocritical. “If they’re so anti-testosterone,” he asked, “why did they hire Rosie O’Donnell?” He added that Barbara Walters should not be above suspicion, since talking with a lisp is a common side effect of testosterone use.


The View will proceed in its search without Gatlin and Landis. However, the two men still have an opportunity to show that they are not driven by testosterone. They can plead their cases as guests on Oprah. She welcomes all athletes, as long as their physical activities do not include couch-jumping.

Huey Lewis: Face of the Steroid Era

Late last week, it was reported that an indictment of San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds could be forthcoming. The potential indictment would relate to charges of perjury and tax evasion stemming from Bonds’s 2003 grand jury testimony regarding the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative (BALCO). However, it is time to shift the focus to the real culprit in the performance-enhancing drugs controversy. Rather than Bonds, that individual is another star from the Bay Area. 80s pop icon Huey Lewis is the true face of the steroid era.


Huey Lewis & The News launched the steroid era in 1983 with their song “I Want A New Drug.” The tune blatantly expressed a need for new designer steroids that would beat drug testing. Without the influence of this irresistible pop confection, few athletes would have had any desire to use performance-enhancing substances. Today legislators are clamoring to remove drugs from sports. In 1983, Huey Lewis & The News brazenly put drugs into Sports, their #1 album.


The song’s success inspired Victor Conte to found BALCO in 1984. During the 1970s, Conte had actually played with The Tower of Power, which served as the horn section for Huey Lewis & The News from 1982 to 1994. Conte and Lewis shared a dream to spread the gospel of performance-enhancing substances through music. Lewis had failed in his previous attempt at this goal with the short-lived band, Steroid-Popping Accordion Gods.


The synergy between BALCO and Huey Lewis reaped huge rewards in 1985 with the Back To The Future soundtrack. "The Power of Love" became a #1 smash, with “Love” being a euphemism for Stanozolol. Huey’s obsession with performance-enhancing drugs was shared by BALCO chemist and film star Doc Brown. Onscreen, Brown was fixated on time travel, but most of the doc’s work in his laboratory was devoted to developing steroids. He succeeded in bringing such substances back to 1955, when ‘roid rage inspired George McFly to finally knock out Biff. However, the use of steroids backfired, as they made George sterile and kept his son Marty from ever being born.


Huey and his mates further thumbed their nose at the anti-drug forces in 1986 with their #1 hit “Stuck With You.” When he crooned, “I’m so happy to be stuck with you,” Lewis was singing to his favorite syringe. He also was responsible for the development of HGH, which stands for Huey Growth Hormone. However, despite the mountain of evidence against him, his adoring public still refused to believe that Lewis was leading the steroid movement. The fans would not accept the idea that rock and roll could be infiltrated by drugs.


The sinister influence of Huey Lewis on sports has been particularly problematic for Bud Selig and his fellow commissioners. Selig consistently denounces Lewis, an avid San Francisco Giants fan, but his authority to punish someone who has never played major league baseball is severely limited. He has banned the group from performing the national anthem at Giants games and has ordered AT&T Park personnel not to show Huey and his wife on the Kiss-cam. The commissioner is also consulting advisers on whether he can punish San Francisco players named Lewis. If so, the 1994 Gold Glove for outfielder Darren Lewis could be revoked.


In any case, it is time for the commissioner to invoke the “best interests of the game” clause and ban Huey Lewis from baseball for life. It is true that Huey has never failed an MLB drug test, and that other members of The News were part of his conspiracy. However, he was the one in the spotlight - getting the girl in the music videos – and therefore he is entitled to a greater penalty than his mates. If the lifetime ban does not make Lewis feel remorse, there’s one punishment that is guaranteed to do so. Lock him in a room for four hours and play a continuous loop of “Hip To Be Square.”

MLB To Hold Banned Substances Spelling Bee

Already casting a huge shadow over major league baseball, performance-enhancing drugs have generated more controversy this week. Human growth hormone has joined steroids in the glaring media spotlight. Reeling from the scandal, the commissioner’s office has decided to create something positive out of the mess. Bud Selig announced that major league baseball will create a spelling bee, in which all the words used are on the league’s banned substances list.


The announcement comes in the aftermath of a raid by federal officials that found human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing drugs in the home of Arizona pitcher Jason Grimsley. The now-former Diamondback admitted that he had used human growth hormone, amphetamines, and steroids in order to bolster and prolong his career. Prior to this week, Grimsley was best known for crawling through a Comiskey Park air conditioning duct in 1994 to retrieve Albert Belle’s allegedly corked bat, which had been confiscated by umpires. So while Grimsley has been unremarkable as a pitcher, he has long been an All-Star cheater.


The federal investigation will certainly find its way to many other major leaguers, causing a public relations nightmare for the MLB office. The commissioner feels that the spelling bee could help to make the best of a bad situation. Selig remarked, “When federal investigators give you lemons, make lemonade. L-E-M-O-N-A-D-E. Lemonade.”


Each major league team will have one boy or girl represent it in the competition. The official rules of the Scripps National Spelling Bee will be in effect. Contestants will be asked to spell words such as androstenedione, stanozolol, and dehydrochloromethyltestosterone. Players suspended under the MLB drug policy could also provide material. For example:

Moderator: “Your word is ‘Palmeiro.’”
Contestant: “Could you use it in a sentence, please?”
Moderator: “Rafael Palmeiro told Congress, ‘I have never used steroids. Period.’”
Contestant: “Palmeiro. F-A-K-E-R. Palmeiro.”


Like major leaguers, the spellers will be subjected to a drug test before they compete. No positive tests are expected from the children, but officials do have one major concern. An excessively nervous contestant could do all his peeing in his pants, before he manages to do so in a cup. Any contestants who do test positive will be removed from the competition and revoked of video game privileges for a month.


The league office feels that the competition will be very popular with the public. Recent spelling bee-themed films Akeelah and the Bee and Spellbound have centered much attention on the contests. ABC even televised the finals of the 2006 Scripps National Spelling Bee in prime time. However, the network was apparently confused when it agreed to broadcast the competition. Having experienced success with series such as Charlie’s Angels, The Love Boat, and Dynasty, ABC thought it would be televising a show by Aaron Spelling.


The commissioner’s office hopes that the spelling bee aids the league in a sometimes elusive goal: connecting with kids. The contest will be held in Williamsport, Pennsylvania to coincide with the Little League World Series. Having the two events in the same venue will allow for one of the hallmarks of youth to take place: athletes making fun of smart kids.


Numbers have always been special for baseball, with 56, 755, and .406 instantly recognizable to fans. However, the cloud of performance-enhancing drugs has cast doubt about many seemingly impressive figures. To major league baseball, there’s one way to respond to what many consider the cheapening of its numbers. With letters.

Joni Mitchell To Head MLB Steroid Investigation

Reports surfaced Wednesday that Major League Baseball will conduct an investigation into past steroid use by players. Initial word indicated that George Mitchell, former majority leader of the U.S. Senate, would oversee this effort. However, those reports turned out to be erroneous. In fact, singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell will head the investigation.


Mitchell’s appointment surprised most observers, who had assumed that someone from the legal or political community would be chosen. However, commissioner Bud Selig made his selection in response to calls for someone truly independent of Major League Baseball. Joni Mitchell has never played or served in the front office for a major league team. Her ties to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young – the starting infield for the 1973 Texas Rangers – do not appear to present a conflict of interest.


San Francisco Chronicle reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams set the process in motion with their new book “Game of Shadows.” The authors allege that San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds used numerous performance-enhancing drugs during a five-year period beginning in 1998. The revelations further increased public skepticism about the legitimacy of home run records set by Mark McGwire in 1998 and Bonds in 2001. Bonds continued to deny the allegations against him, citing the outlandishness of the authors’ previous book, “The Bambino Code.” In that work, Fainuru-Wada and Williams claimed that Babe Ruth’s Hall of Fame plaque contains clues to secret societies and 2000 year-old conspiracies.


Bonds has never tested positive for performance-enhancing substances. However, the time period referenced in the book took place before Major League Baseball instituted a drug-testing policy. With public pressure mounting, Selig determined that an investigation into the years prior to 2003 was necessary. It will be difficult for the league to penalize anyone found to have used steroids prior to the institution of the policy. However, sources close to the commissioner indicated that any offenders would be rebuked with a stern “Dude, that’s uncool.”


Selig made a strong statement by selecting a prominent singer-songwriter from the 1960s and 70s to head the effort. Members of that group are known to be particularly harsh on illegal drug use. The commissioner apparently considered Bob Dylan, but due to the large media interaction involved, he opted for someone who can speak English. Mitchell is reportedly looking forward to the press conferences. After she answers questions from reporters, she will pull out her guitar and take song requests.


Ironically, sources claim that Bonds is a huge fan of Mitchell and privately cited her as a major influence on his steroid use. In “A Case of You,” Mitchell sings, “Oh but you are in my blood…You’re my holy wine…You’re so bitter, bitter and so sweet.” According to a former Giants teammate, Bonds recited these lyrics in the locker room while gazing lovingly at pharmaceutical bottles. The player added that Mitchell’s song title “Both Sides Now” was Barry’s response when asked which buttock in which he preferred to be injected.


Mitchell is sure to be outspoken, having recently referred to today’s music industry as a “cesspool.” That word could also be applied to the current environment around Barry Bonds. Not the steroid allegations - the National League West.

Today's Sports Limerick

He gave forceful testimony

Said Canseco was full of baloney

But he was on the ‘roids

And the fans are annoyed

Hey Raffy, now who’s the phony?