Bonds & Other Barrys

As everyone knows by now, Barry Bonds slammed his 756th major league home run Tuesday night, breaking the all-time record. Bonds has passed Hank, but how does he compare to other Barrys? Let’s take a look.


Barry Bonds: Smoked the record-breaker off a Washington player
Marion Barry: Smoked crack as the Washington mayor

Barry Alvarez: Was the leader of the Wisconsin Badgers
Barry Bonds: Thanks to him, the MLB leader from Wisconsin was badgered

Barry Bonds: Has a high on-base percentage for the Giants
Barry Zito: Has a high earned run average for the Giants

Rick Barry: Was a prickly Bay Area superstar
Barry Bonds: Is a prickly Bay Area superstar

Barry Bonds: Somehow, he doesn’t have a World Series championship ring
Barry Switzer: Somehow, he has a Super Bowl championship ring

Barry Melrose: Noted for his mullet hair
Barry Bonds: Noted for his mammoth head

Barry Levinson: Collaborated with Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and Wag the Dog
Barry Bonds: Collaborated with Dusty Baker in Candlestick and Pac Bell Parks

Barry Bonds: Born in 1964
Barry Goldwater: Burned in 1964 election

Dave Barry: Displays his sense of humor as a newspaper columnist
Barry Bonds: Rarely displays his sense of humor to newspaper columnists

Barry Sanders: Retired before breaking the all-time record
Barry Bonds: To many fans’ chagrin, DIDN’T retire before breaking the all-time record

Barry Bonds: Draws lots of passes to get to first base
Barry White: Helped lots of guys get past first base

Barry Bonds: Endured a stressful home run chase
Barry Pepper: Endured a stressful home run chase, as Roger Maris in 61* (MLB must really hate him, given all the “No Pepper Allowed” signs at the ballpark)

Barry Foster: Rushed for 1,690 yards for Pittsburgh in 1992
Barry Bonds: Rushed out of Pittsburgh in 1992

Barry Manilow: Sang “Can’t Smile Without You”
Barry Bonds: Jeff Kent smiles without him

Barry Williams: Portrayed Greg Brady
Barry Bonds: Regarding two Andersons, critics say he got steroids from Greg and hit tainted home runs like Brady

Barry Larkin: One-time MVP who played shortstop
Barry Bonds: Seven-time MVP with a short fuse

Barry Bonds: Sports legend who testified before a grand jury
Barry Scheck: As part of O.J.’s defense team, made sure a sports legend didn’t testify before a jury

Barry Sonnenfeld: Directed Big Trouble and Wild Wild West
Barry Bonds: Team is in big trouble in the NL West

Barry Bostwick: Rocky Horror Picture Show star has inspired fans to throw toast
Barry Bonds: MLB star has inspired fans to throw syringes

Barry Gibb: Fueled disco fever with the Bee Gees’ smash hits
Barry Bonds: Fuels Giants fans’ fever with splash hits

Barry Bonds & The Simpsons

After years of anticipation, The Simpsons Movie was released and claimed the weekend’s box-office championship. Another long wait will soon end when Barry Bonds slams his record-breaking 756th home run. The most obvious link between the two events is the word “Homer.” While Barry and Giants fans will shout “Woo Hoo!” as the record falls, many others will scream, “D’oh!” Besides Homer, here’s how some other Simpsons characters relate to Bonds and those associated with him.


Bart: People always point the finger at him for doing something wrong.

Lisa: She’s better than her peers and isolated in the classroom. Barry’s better than his peers and isolated in the locker room.

Maggie: She’s known for not talking.

Marge: By batting .167 against Cincinnati in his first post-season series, Bonds delighted Marge Schott.

Grandpa: Abe can’t move around like he did in the old days.

Patty & Selma: The duo causes nothing but headaches for Homer, just like Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada for Bonds.

Mister Burns: He’s rich and the most hated man around.

Smithers: Like trainer Greg Anderson, he’ll do anything for the man he worships.

Ned Flanders: Barry could solve his endorsement shortage by appearing in ads for The Leftorium.

Moe: Like Victor Conte, he serves up powerful concoctions.

Barney: He’s a fat drunkard, just like the guy Bonds passed with his 715th dinger.

Lenny & Carl: In 1993, Barry beat out Lenny Dykstra for MVP – 26 years after Carl Yastrzemski won the award.

Chief Wiggum: Like Bud Selig, he’s a chief who’s inept at stopping lawbreakers.

Ralph Wiggum: He makes some absolutely silly statements.

Apu: The Kwik-E-Mart may not have the cream and the clear, but it does have ice cream and Clearasil.

Principal Skinner: He tries to take the fun out of everything, like opposing managers who intentionally walk Bonds.

Mrs. Krabappel: She was once hopeful, before her dreams began to slide. The Pirates were hopeful in ’92, before Bream began to slide.

Milhouse: He’s constantly tormented, like pitchers facing Barry.

Nelson: Springfield Elementary’s resident bully has a high slugging percentage.

Martin: He shares a name with the best player on Barry’s hated arch-rival Dodgers.

Groundskeeper Willie: Close, but with Bonds it’s Godfather Willie.

Otto Mann: He drives the bus and uses drugs, while Barry drives the ball and, ahem, allegedly uses drugs.

Krusty the Clown: Bonds is crusty with the media, but seldom a clown.

Sideshow Bob: There’s often a sideshow around Barry, who’s the son of Bob.

Mayor Quimby: Surely the philandering leader of Springfield has had mistresses pose for Playboy.

Kent Brockman: The newscaster would have a tough relationship with Bonds, since he’s media AND a guy named Kent.

Reverend Lovejoy: He preaches “Thou shalt not steal,” although Barry has stolen 514 bases.

Dr. Hibbert: He has lots of experience with needles.

Lionel Hutz: He’s been gone since Phil Hartman’s death, but Bonds could have used him during grand jury testimony.

Comic Book Guy: He’s arrogant and voiced by Hank Azaria. Barry is arrogant and linked to another Hank A.

Ken Griffey, Jr.: In his Simpsons appearance, he was a major league superstar who wound up with a giant head.

LeBron, Barry To Star In James Bonds Movie

Casino Royale is sure to draw major box office numbers upon its November 17 release. James Bond fans are eager to see how well Daniel Craig fills the shoes of Agent 007. Hoping to capitalize on the buzz, two sports superstars have announced that they will bring their own version of a suave action hero to the big screen. LeBron James and Barry Bonds will team up as a spy named James Bonds.


James Bonds is billed as the world’s top two-headed secret agent, with Barry’s head being the much larger of the two. LeBron and Barry have proven to be huge draws in arenas and ballparks, so they believe audiences will flock to the metroplex. The franchise players for the Cleveland Cavaliers and San Francisco Giants expect a franchise to arise from this character. No title has yet been named for the initial installment – appropriate, since both of their teams are in a long title drought. LeBron and Barry hope to avoid the disaster that befell a similar pairing of a young NBA star and controversial baseball record-setter - the notorious 1986 flop Olajuwon Rose Saves Wichita.


In addition to box office receipts, both players stand to benefit from the combination. LeBron hopes to follow the lead of Dwyane Wade, who experienced great success after teaming up with a veteran superstar from a team in California. Barry can improve his negative public image by joining forces with a charismatic, marketable young star. As it is, the only way his image can worsen is if he suits up as #81 for the Dallas Cowboys.


The two-headed aspect of the James Bonds character provides a comedic, buddy movie dimension. The LeBron head and the Barry head are stuck on the same body, but they constantly disagree. For example, the Barry head complains about walking too much, while the LeBron head responds, “Walking? I don’t even know what that means!” The two heads even differ on their agent number. The LeBron head claims to be part of Agent Triple-Double 07, while the Barry head counters that they are actually Agent Ground Rule Double 07.


The LeBron head does seem to get the more enjoyable end of the deal. The psychotic villains tend to address the Barry head, preferring the formal address of “Mr. Bonds.” On the other hand, the killer babes usually exclaim, “Oh James!” So the LeBron head gets most of the make-out action.


James Bonds experiences a mixture of sexy women and gunplay – in a classier way than Stephen Jackson. Like the Bond flicks, this movie will also feature numerous memorable villains. James Bonds will have to contend with the likes of Big Ben and The Rocket. The film’s producers are highly secretive with details about the main bad guy of the movie. However, online speculation is rampant that James Bonds will have to battle a shot-blocking San Francisco Chronicle reporter.


To help in the exploits against his enemies, James Bonds has numerous gadgets at his disposal. Gaping with wonder at the toys devised by scientists, Bonds exclaims, “Imagine that! Things created in a lab can give me a competitive advantage!” Most impressive of all are the character’s fancy automobiles. While Bond drives an Aston Martin, the cars of choice for James Bonds are the Kenyon Martin and the Pedro Martinez.


With Barry now in the off-season, filming will have to work around LeBron’s NBA schedule. During All-Star weekend in Las Vegas, the filmmakers plan to shoot plenty of footage in the casinos. James Bonds will be appropriately dapper, with LeBron and Barry squeezing into a tuxedo. However, the character won’t be ordering a “shaken, not stirred” vodka martini. The LeBron head will take a Sprite. And the Barry head will opt for the juice.

Lasorda Revealed As Secret BALCO Grand Jury Source

Thursday a federal judge ordered San Francisco Chronicle reporters Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada to jail, pending appeal, for refusing to reveal their source for leaked grand jury testimony in the BALCO case. The testimony provided a portion of the material used by the reporters in a series of articles in the Chronicle, as well as the best-selling book Game of Shadows. Williams and Fainaru-Wada insist that they will continue to honor the confidentiality of their information provider, even facing the threat of prison time. However, Jack’s Sports Humor has learned the identity of the secret source: former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda.


Game of Shadows and the Chronicle articles implicated numerous high-profile athletes as users of illegal performance-enhancing drugs. 2000 American League MVP Jason Giambi and longtime NFL bad boy Bill Romanowski were among many stars linked to BALCO’s steroid distribution. However, San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds was undeniably the face of the scandal. And the gigantic head.


The involvement of Bonds appears to be the primary reason for Lasorda to leak details of the grand jury testimony. Famously bleeding Dodger blue, Tommy makes no secret of his animosity toward the hated Giants. As the face of the Giants since 1993, Barry has often been a thorn in the side of his southern California rivals. Most notably, in 2001 he broke Mark McGwire’s single-season home run record against the Dodgers, smacking three round-trippers on the final weekend to wind up with 73. Also, Bonds reportedly made anonymous phone calls to the Los Angeles front office, imploring them to grant long-term, big-money contracts to Kevin Brown and Darren Dreifort.


Lasorda also had issues with others implicated in the BALCO investigation. Gary Sheffield repeatedly blasted Tommy’s beloved Dodger organization before being traded from L.A. to Atlanta in 2002. Benito Santiago greatly contributed to Cincinnati’s three-game sweep over the Dodgers in the 1995 National League Division Series – Lasorda’s final playoff appearance as a manager. Santiago also dared to be a rare non-Dodger to win National League Rookie of the Year, as a San Diego Padre in 1987. Track star Marion Jones won five medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, upstaging the surprising U.S. baseball gold medalists managed by Lasorda. The manager reportedly fumed, “She only supports the USA when it stands for Uncontrollable Steroid Abuse!”


Beyond personal grudges, Lasorda had another motivation in disclosing the grand jury testimony. For years, he was a spokesman for Slim-Fast. However, BALCO promoted the benefits of bulking up in the quest for athletic greatness. “All those years I told people how great it was to lose weight. Then these guys become huge, put up ridiculous stats, and make millions of dollars,” he noted. “I looked like an idiot!”


The question many legal experts will ask is how Tommy gained access to the confidential information. Apparently, he was able to enter the courtroom by posing as a court reporter. It seems strange that the judge did not expel him from the courtroom, particularly since Lasorda apparently recorded the grand jury testimony while wearing a Dodgers uniform. Also, the transcript of the testimony ended with the sentence “Reggie Jackson totally interfered with that double play in ’78!”


Williams and Fainaru-Wada have drawn comparisons to The Washington Post’s Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, whose Watergate investigation was chronicled in All the President’s Men. Woodward and Bernstein’s historic work is often cited in emphasizing the importance of anonymous sources for reporters. Their most celebrated information provider was known solely as Deep Throat for over 30 years until Mark Felt’s 2005 admission to being the mystery man. In a similar vein, the unknown source for Williams and Fainaru-Wada was simply referred to as Deep-Dish Lasagna.


The Chronicle reporters have received strong support from other journalists in their insistence on preserving the confidentiality of their source. They are absolutely correct in not telling us that it was Lasorda. Likewise, I pledge to fiercely protect the identity of my source for this article. Phillie Phanatic, your secret is safe with me.

National League Pitchers Lobby For "Pujols On Pujols" Series

On Friday night, St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols belted his 11th home run of the year in a 9-3 victory over the Chicago Cubs. Coming off an MVP season, Pujols has been on fire in the early stages of 2006. Any attempts by the opposition to cool him off have been futile. However, National League pitchers are desperately hoping that one thing can slow down Pujols: his own reality show.


ESPN is currently running Bonds On Bonds, a 10-part reality series focused on controversial San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds. Each year from his record-setting 2001 campaign through 2004, Bonds was the National League MVP. Barry was like Biff from Back To the Future, striking fear in all the George McFlys on the mound. After an injury-shortened 2005, Bonds looked to resume his bullying on the diamond this April. However, Bonds On Bonds may represent the same turning point for pitchers that the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance was for George. Through his first 13 games of the season, Bonds is batting just .200, with no home runs and 1 RBI.


Finding a similar show for Pujols may be the only hope for National League pitchers. Albert leads the majors with his 11 round-trippers, and he is hitting .358 with 24 RBIs. The numbers are gaudy even by his own standards set since 2001, his National League Rookie of the Year campaign. Since then he has charted a path to Cooperstown, becoming the first major leaguer since Ted Williams to drive in at least 100 runs in each of his first five seasons. Unfortunately for pitchers, they cannot have Pujols frozen like the Red Sox legend. They may try to brush him off the plate, but freezing players like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back is blatantly against the unwritten rules of the game.


Unfortunately for opposing pitchers, ESPN may not be interested in Pujols On Pujols. Bonds was considered a fascinating subject not only for his stellar play, but also for the steroid cloud surrounding him and his contentious relationship with the media. Pujols does not seem to have such an air of controversy around him. However, Houston Astros closer Brad Lidge disagrees. “Everyone in St. Louis knows that Albert is a notorious jaywalker,” charged Lidge. “ESPN should follow him and expose these heinous misdeeds.” As punishment, Lidge urged commissioner Bud Selig to suspend Pujols from the ninth inning of all future games.


Ultimately, pitchers would love an image of Pujols that viewers saw on the first episode of Bonds On Bonds: a superstar slugger in tears. Bonds got emotional while telling reporters, “You can’t hurt me any more than you’ve hurt me already.” As of now, Pujols could only say part of that sentence to pitchers: “You can’t hurt me.” So far, the opposing hurlers have been the ones bawling, contradicting the claim of Tom Hanks that there’s no crying in baseball. St. Louis sports reporters already know that weeping takes place in the sports world, since Dick Vermeil coached in their city.


While Pujols continues to dazzle the National League, pitchers will hold out hope that a reality show can help their cause. Until that happens, tomorrow may represent the best chance to slow down the Cardinals superstar. The resurgent Greg Maddux, leading the National League in ERA, will take the mound for the Cubs. Albert’s hometown of Santo Domingo is Spanish for “Holy Sunday.” As Pujols steps to the plate on this Sunday, Maddux will surely be praying.