Thursday, October 26, 2006

LeBron, Barry To Star In James Bonds Movie

Casino Royale is sure to draw major box office numbers upon its November 17 release. James Bond fans are eager to see how well Daniel Craig fills the shoes of Agent 007. Hoping to capitalize on the buzz, two sports superstars have announced that they will bring their own version of a suave action hero to the big screen. LeBron James and Barry Bonds will team up as a spy named James Bonds.

James Bonds is billed as the world’s top two-headed secret agent, with Barry’s head being the much larger of the two. LeBron and Barry have proven to be huge draws in arenas and ballparks, so they believe audiences will flock to the metroplex. The franchise players for the Cleveland Cavaliers and San Francisco Giants expect a franchise to arise from this character. No title has yet been named for the initial installment – appropriate, since both of their teams are in a long title drought. LeBron and Barry hope to avoid the disaster that befell a similar pairing of a young NBA star and controversial baseball record-setter - the notorious 1986 flop Olajuwon Rose Saves Wichita.

In addition to box office receipts, both players stand to benefit from the combination. LeBron hopes to follow the lead of Dwyane Wade, who experienced great success after teaming up with a veteran superstar from a team in California. Barry can improve his negative public image by joining forces with a charismatic, marketable young star. As it is, the only way his image can worsen is if he suits up as #81 for the Dallas Cowboys.

The two-headed aspect of the James Bonds character provides a comedic, buddy movie dimension. The LeBron head and the Barry head are stuck on the same body, but they constantly disagree. For example, the Barry head complains about walking too much, while the LeBron head responds, “Walking? I don’t even know what that means!” The two heads even differ on their agent number. The LeBron head claims to be part of Agent Triple-Double 07, while the Barry head counters that they are actually Agent Ground Rule Double 07.

The LeBron head does seem to get the more enjoyable end of the deal. The psychotic villains tend to address the Barry head, preferring the formal address of “Mr. Bonds.” On the other hand, the killer babes usually exclaim, “Oh James!” So the LeBron head gets most of the make-out action.

James Bonds experiences a mixture of sexy women and gunplay – in a classier way than Stephen Jackson. Like the Bond flicks, this movie will also feature numerous memorable villains. James Bonds will have to contend with the likes of Big Ben and The Rocket. The film’s producers are highly secretive with details about the main bad guy of the movie. However, online speculation is rampant that James Bonds will have to battle a shot-blocking San Francisco Chronicle reporter.

To help in the exploits against his enemies, James Bonds has numerous gadgets at his disposal. Gaping with wonder at the toys devised by scientists, Bonds exclaims, “Imagine that! Things created in a lab can give me a competitive advantage!” Most impressive of all are the character’s fancy automobiles. While Bond drives an Aston Martin, the cars of choice for James Bonds are the Kenyon Martin and the Pedro Martinez.

With Barry now in the off-season, filming will have to work around LeBron’s NBA schedule. During All-Star weekend in Las Vegas, the filmmakers plan to shoot plenty of footage in the casinos. James Bonds will be appropriately dapper, with LeBron and Barry squeezing into a tuxedo. However, the character won’t be ordering a “shaken, not stirred” vodka martini. The LeBron head will take a Sprite. And the Barry head will opt for the juice.