Monday, October 09, 2006

Things That A-Rod Won't Be Doing This October

The American League Championship Series kicks off in Oakland Tuesday night, as the A’s take on the Detroit Tigers. However, the most notable storyline for many observers is the absence of the New York Yankees. Many Bronx Bombers failed to deliver against Detroit, but a 1-for-14 series ensured that Alex Rodriguez would bear the brunt of the fans’ wrath yet again.

The Yankees’ elimination means that A-Rod will spend another October without playing in the World Series. The Fall Classic is not the only activity from which he’ll be excluded this month. Here are just a few other things that A-Rod won’t be doing this October.

Organize a Columbus Day celebration. The person in charge needs to have experience with parades.

Attend a Halloween party. Bobbing for apples is fun, but A-Rod just can’t connect with The Big Apple.

Play football for Arkansas. The Razorbacks can win a big road game against the Tigers.

Advertise for L’Oréal. No one would believe him when he says, “Because I’m worth it.”

Prepare taxes. He is known as a numbers guy, but only through September.

Star in a Broadway musical. The productions require leading men who draw applause in New York.

Host Jeopardy! On this show, someone actually wins in the presence of a guy named Alex.

Become an assassin. He’s completely unqualified to be a hit man.

Extend Daylight Savings Time. For A-Rod, October is always the time to “fall back.”

Conduct séances. They require the ability to make contact.

Become president of the Lions. A-Rod could not accomplish what Matt Millen has done: get Detroit to lose.

Enter a beer-chugging contest. Participants need to be able to put away pitchers.

Join The E Street Band. They also work for The Boss, but they get a jam-packed stadium to cheer for them.

Write a dating advice column. He’s not the guy to tell people how to get to first base.

Visit a national park. Rangers are relieved not to have him around.

Serve as best man at a wedding. He would have no idea what to do with a ring.

While Rodriguez will not participate in any of those activities, there are two things he might do: suck his thumb and carry a blanket with him. Each October, he has a kindred spirit in Linus van Pelt. Like The Great Pumpkin for Linus, the World Series never manages to arrive for A-Rod.