Monday, October 23, 2006

Potential Alumni Candidates For UNC Football Job

Sunday evening, North Carolina athletic director Dick Baddour announced that football coach John Bunting will be relieved of his duties at season’s end. The decision has been anticipated for quite some time, as the Tar Heels’ dismal 1-6 season has dropped Bunting’s cumulative UNC coaching record to 25-42. While disapproving of Bunting’s job performance, most Carolina fans appreciate the love and enthusiasm the UNC alumnus has shown toward his alma mater.

It is likely that the next coach will come from outside the Tar Heel family. However, numerous well-known individuals who attended Carolina could be intriguing candidates. Julius Peppers, Willie Parker, and others are busy with the NFL at the moment, and the same is true for NBA notables such as Rasheed Wallace and Vince Carter. However, perhaps one of these prominent Tar Heels will be available for duty in Kenan Stadium next fall.

Lewis Black: With the Daily Show correspondent in charge, players would be unfazed by hostile crowds. He’s louder than any opposing stadium.

Larry Brown: The last time UNC football was led by a Coach Brown, the Tar Heels were in the top 10. Larry would also be successful, as long as Isiah Thomas isn’t in charge of recruiting.

Billy Crudup: His voiceovers could inspire the quarterbacks: “Completing a pass to a player on your own team: Priceless.”

Rick Dees: Right now Bunting is a lame duck. So it would be fitting to replace him with the guy who brought us “Disco Duck.”

Matt Doherty: The football team is usually in the shadow of the Carolina hoopsters. Doherty has proven that he can divert fans’ attention from the basketball team.

John Edwards: The law school alum is also an NC State grad, so he could be up for Chuck Amato’s job as well. He should not have John Kerry on his staff - together, they can’t win in the south.

Louise Fletcher: As Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, she kept the nutcases under control. Actually, they need her more at Miami.

Peter Gammons: He could take his Baseball Tonight colleagues with him, with John Kruk as the conditioning coach.

Andy Griffith: As the team runs onto the field, the theme from his show would play instead of “Hell’s Bells.”

Mia Hamm: She’s already a football champion, to most of the world. Plus, she’s well-prepared to deal with injuries, being married to Nomar Garciaparra.

Marion Jones: She’d instill a sense of teamwork, since she supposedly knows a lot about chemistry.

Michael Jordan: If the ground game falters, Carolina could always look to the Air.

Davis Love III: He’d help the defense get some rest, since he specializes in long drives.

Kevin Martin: The FCC chairman could slow down opposing offenses by imposing a five-second delay.

Jack Palance: If he could toughen up Billy Crystal in City Slickers, he should do wonders with special teams.

Stuart Scott: He would never let the team forget its identity, since he insists on shouting “Tar Heel” every other sentence.

Lawrence Taylor: The Hall of Fame linebacker could provide memories of UNC’s last ACC championship season in 1980. For fans, but not for himself – he was too high to remember any of that.

James Worthy: He’s called “Big Game James,” so for the first time in ages, you’d hear the phrase “Big Game” in Kenan Stadium.

In the meantime, Bunting will coach five more games until the season-ender at Duke. In baseball terms, his name gives an indication that his coaching tenure was not destined for greatness. You can’t hit a home run if you’re Bunting.