Potential Alumni Candidates For UNC Football Job

Sunday evening, North Carolina athletic director Dick Baddour announced that football coach John Bunting will be relieved of his duties at season’s end. The decision has been anticipated for quite some time, as the Tar Heels’ dismal 1-6 season has dropped Bunting’s cumulative UNC coaching record to 25-42. While disapproving of Bunting’s job performance, most Carolina fans appreciate the love and enthusiasm the UNC alumnus has shown toward his alma mater.


It is likely that the next coach will come from outside the Tar Heel family. However, numerous well-known individuals who attended Carolina could be intriguing candidates. Julius Peppers, Willie Parker, and others are busy with the NFL at the moment, and the same is true for NBA notables such as Rasheed Wallace and Vince Carter. However, perhaps one of these prominent Tar Heels will be available for duty in Kenan Stadium next fall.


Lewis Black: With the Daily Show correspondent in charge, players would be unfazed by hostile crowds. He’s louder than any opposing stadium.

Larry Brown: The last time UNC football was led by a Coach Brown, the Tar Heels were in the top 10. Larry would also be successful, as long as Isiah Thomas isn’t in charge of recruiting.

Billy Crudup: His voiceovers could inspire the quarterbacks: “Completing a pass to a player on your own team: Priceless.”

Rick Dees: Right now Bunting is a lame duck. So it would be fitting to replace him with the guy who brought us “Disco Duck.”

Matt Doherty: The football team is usually in the shadow of the Carolina hoopsters. Doherty has proven that he can divert fans’ attention from the basketball team.

John Edwards: The law school alum is also an NC State grad, so he could be up for Chuck Amato’s job as well. He should not have John Kerry on his staff - together, they can’t win in the south.

Louise Fletcher: As Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, she kept the nutcases under control. Actually, they need her more at Miami.

Peter Gammons: He could take his Baseball Tonight colleagues with him, with John Kruk as the conditioning coach.

Andy Griffith: As the team runs onto the field, the theme from his show would play instead of “Hell’s Bells.”

Mia Hamm: She’s already a football champion, to most of the world. Plus, she’s well-prepared to deal with injuries, being married to Nomar Garciaparra.

Marion Jones: She’d instill a sense of teamwork, since she supposedly knows a lot about chemistry.

Michael Jordan: If the ground game falters, Carolina could always look to the Air.

Davis Love III: He’d help the defense get some rest, since he specializes in long drives.

Kevin Martin: The FCC chairman could slow down opposing offenses by imposing a five-second delay.

Jack Palance: If he could toughen up Billy Crystal in City Slickers, he should do wonders with special teams.

Stuart Scott: He would never let the team forget its identity, since he insists on shouting “Tar Heel” every other sentence.

Lawrence Taylor: The Hall of Fame linebacker could provide memories of UNC’s last ACC championship season in 1980. For fans, but not for himself – he was too high to remember any of that.

James Worthy: He’s called “Big Game James,” so for the first time in ages, you’d hear the phrase “Big Game” in Kenan Stadium.


In the meantime, Bunting will coach five more games until the season-ender at Duke. In baseball terms, his name gives an indication that his coaching tenure was not destined for greatness. You can’t hit a home run if you’re Bunting.

Three Points, Times Two, In Tar Heel Escapes

“Relief” was the word of the day in Chapel Hill on Saturday as UNC twice averted hugely embarrassing defeats.  Both the football and basketball teams eked out three-point victories when defeat would have brought an onslaught of ridicule.

 

First, the gridiron Heels edged Duke 24–21 in Kenan Stadium.  The lowly Blue Devils entered the game at 1–9, with the only victory coming over Division 1–AA VMI.  The program bears no resemblance to the perennial basketball powerhouse in Durham.  62 percent of students polled at the Duke-Seton Hall basketball game on Wednesday were unaware that the school had a football team.  The football program’s marketing campaign features two slogans: “Steve Spurrier coached here 16 years ago!” and “Duke Football: Your source for comedy since ‘Seinfeld’ ended.”

 

However, UNC found itself trailing 21–17 late in the fourth quarter.  Ronnie McGill, the star of the game with 146 yards rushing, scored on a 3–yard touchdown run with 1:38 remaining to give Carolina the victory.  With the win, the 5–5 Heels kept their bowl hopes alive.  However, they will have to triumph as heavy underdogs next Saturday at Virginia Tech to extend their season.  Also, the NCAA may rule that any team who needs to rally in the waning minutes to defeat Duke is automatically unworthy of a bowl invitation.

 

While not pretty, the victory was UNC’s 15th in the last 16 editions of the series.  The Victory Bell, kept in custody by the winner, will soon officially be renamed the Tar Heel Bell.  The lowly Blue Devils (journalists are prohibited from simply writing “the Blue Devils” in a football context) were philosophical about the latest defeat.  Head coach Ted Roof remarked, “There are no moral victories.  We came in here to win and… Oh, who am I kidding?  Of course I’ll take a moral victory!  We came close to not losing – that’s awesome, dude!”

 

After the narrow escape in Kenan Stadium, the basketball Tar Heels won 83–80 over Gardner-Webb, which sounds more like a brokerage company than a basketball team.  While an upset would have raised eyebrows around the nation, a loss in the Smith Center would have been far less surprising to informed Carolina fans than one on the football field.  Coming off a national championship season, UNC lost its top seven scorers and started three freshmen on Saturday.  The opposing Bulldogs, on the other hand, finished first in the American Sun Conference last year and returned all five starters.  That being said, a loss by UNC would have meant this: “NORTH CAROLINA LOSES TO GARDNER-WEBB!”

 

The victory came in dramatic fashion as senior David Noel nailed the winning three-pointer with 1.8 seconds remaining.  Last year in crunch time, the Heels could look to lottery picks Raymond Felton, Sean May, Rashad McCants, and Marvin Williams.  In Saturday’s game, the go-to guy was a former walk-on who averaged 3.9 points per game last season.  However, this year’s team proved that they are far superior on November 19 to last year’s juggernaut, which fell on that date to Santa Clara.  From November 20 forward, last year’s Heels get the nod.

 

Carolina’s next contest is Tuesday against Cleveland State.  Unless the Cleveland Cavaliers were scheduled by mistake, the Heels figure to cruise.  Ultimately UNC will land in the tournament again this year, but inconsistency will be a prominent theme in Chapel Hill.  This is to be expected with a roster so young, you expect to see “Hogwarts” on the front of their uniforms.  At least they passed their first test on Saturday, thereby avoiding the constant, “Are you kidding me?  You lost to WHO???” catcalls.

 

Thus, on Saturday night, Tar Heel fans could collectively exhale.  Across the country, Stanford was less fortunate.  The 13th-ranked Cardinal hoopsters endured a 79–63 thumping by UC-Irvine at Maples Pavilion.  Then the football team rolled over and died in a 27–3 home loss in “The Sorta Big Game” versus Cal.  As a result, students on campuses nationwide were united in one thought: “I’m so glad I don’t go to Stanford.”

From Heel to Steel

After week 2 of the NFL season, Pittsburgh’s Willie Parker is the surprise rushing leader in the AFC.  Parker played at UNC, so as a proud Carolina alumnus I’d like to share my favorite memories of him as a Tar Heel.  Uhhh….. Give me a minute….. I swear, I saw him on the field a few times….. Hold on…..

 

Parker has rushed for a total of 272 yards in the Steelers’ blowout victories over Tennessee and Houston.  That’s 91 yards more than he gained in his entire senior season at UNC.  Today he’s a vital part of a Super Bowl contender.  Two years ago, he wasn’t considered useful to a team that went 2–10 with a loss to Duke.  Yes, Duke does have a football program – I double-checked to make sure.

 

Parker did have some moments as a Tar Heel, primarily in his first two years.  He rushed for a career-high 158 yards as a freshman in a victory over Maryland.  His sophomore season was highlighted by a 131–yard effort in a Peach Bowl win over Auburn.  Coach John Bunting rewarded him by giving him the next two years off.  As his former teammate Julius Peppers went on to stardom in the NFL, Parker was stuck in the NCAA witness protection program.

 

Initially, Parker had wanted to attend East Carolina.  He later changed his mind in favor of UNC, even though his high school coach advised against it.  Parker has made this quote about that decision: “The only time I didn’t listen to him was the biggest mistake of my life.”  I’m pretty sure that’s the only time in history a pro football star has said, “I should have gone to East Carolina.”

 

19 running backs were selected in the 2004 NFL draft, but Parker was not one of them.  The 19 selections included standouts such as Steven Jackson and Julius Jones, but I’m sure a couple of the others are selling insurance right now.  Meanwhile, the Steelers decided to take a look at the undrafted Tar Heel.  And that may have been by accident.  Rumor has it, head coach Bill Cowher demanded to the front office, “Make sure Parker gets invited to training camp!”  Apparently a huge fan of “Sex and the City,” Cowher was crushed when Sarah Jessica was a no-show.

 

Parker (Willie, that is) made the team last year and rushed for 102 yards in the regular season finale at Buffalo.  After Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis went down with injuries in the pre-season, he stepped in as the starting running back.  Now he’s the darling of fantasy league owners everywhere.  Meanwhile, his old team in Chapel Hill has struggled mightily on the ground, rushing for a total of 118 yards in losses to Georgia Tech and Wisconsin.  Facing a tough task against arch-rival NC State’s stifling defense this Saturday, the Carolina coaching staff reportedly contacted Parker, telling him, “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come back and play for us!”

 

But Parker will be busy trying to take down the New England Patriots this weekend.  Sure, starting against the Super Bowl champs may not compare to those glorious memories of sitting on the bench against Wake Forest.  But it will just have to do.