SEC Basketball Champ To Beat Ohio State in National Title Game

The present-day field of 65 for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament has led some observers to claim that major conference tournaments are not particularly important these days. However, this year’s Southeastern Conference tournament will have plenty of meaning. Thomas O’Connor, Chairman of the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee, announced today that the winner of the SEC basketball tournament will defeat Ohio State in the national championship game.


The surprising announcement came on the heels of last night’s BCS National Championship Game, in which the football Buckeyes fell 38-24 to LSU. Like Florida in both football and basketball last year, the Tigers won the SEC championship in the Georgia Dome before going on to beat OSU in the national title game. This year’s SEC basketball tournament is also in the Georgia Dome, so the Selection Committee naturally assumed the pattern would continue this April in San Antonio. Ohio State AD Gene Smith, a Selection Committee member himself, remarked, “As a sports fan these days, there are two things you can be sure of: An SEC team will beat the Buckeyes for the national title, and your favorite athlete is on steroids.”


Last night’s setback continued an amazing pattern of futility for OSU football versus the SEC. Whereas Jim Tressel’s whipping boy Lloyd Carr went 5-2 in bowls against the SEC, the Buckeyes fell to 0-9 all-time versus the powerhouse conference in bowl games. Fully aware of this trend, new Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez has petitioned SEC Commissioner Michael Silve to allow the Wolverines to claim a one-week membership in the SEC each November. As for the Buckeyes, only the Democratic Party has had more trouble with the Deep South.


For the OSU basketball team, today’s announcement actually represents a pleasant surprise. While currently on course for this year’s NCAA tournament, the 11-3 Buckeyes are a far cry from last season’s juggernaut that featured Greg Oden and Mike Conley, Jr. However, while that team had to sweat out dramatic comeback victories over Xavier and Tennessee in the Big Dance, this rebuilding group is already assured of a spot in the championship game. In fact, the team plans to take a cue from its football counterpart. After Michigan visits Columbus on February 5, the Buckeyes will cancel their remaining games. Therefore, like Jim Tressel’s crew, the hoopsters can follow a matchup against the Wolverines with a two-month layoff before the title game.


The news was far less popular in towns like Chapel Hill, Memphis, and Lawrence. One UCLA supporter was particularly miffed, noting that a pre-set championship matchup will eliminate the need for tournament pools. That anonymous fan, who may or may not be the Bruins’ new football coach, angrily exclaimed, “Now I have to find new NCAA rules to violate!” Another fan remarked, “It’s totally ridiculous when you put two teams into a championship game without a tournament leading up to it!” Overhearing, some nearby men in colorful blazers remarked, “Ridiculous? I think you meant to say, ‘Awesome!’”


On the other hand, a tremendous opportunity will be presented to the members of the SEC. Surprising unbeatens Vanderbilt and Mississippi can now dream of a national championship. However, the most likely beneficiary is Tennessee, as the highest-ranking conference team in the polls. The Volunteers could avenge last season’s Sweet 16 defeat and potentially even be part of dual national championships with Pat Summit’s Lady Vols. Tennessee also hosts Ohio State on January 19, so like Florida last season, it could defeat the Buckeyes twice in the same season. Most significantly, beating OSU in the title game would allow coach Bruce Pearl an opportunity to act like a lunatic on a Monday night in April. Meaning that he would act like “Bruce Pearl on a Monday night.”


The LSU hoopsters seem unlikely to repeat Florida’s football-basketball feat from last year, given their 7-7 record. However, the Tigers do have a legitimate chance to win the SEC if they can suit up Shaquille O’Neal and the ghost of Pete Maravich. As for the rebuilding Gators, most observers are hoping that they don’t rule the SEC this time around. Although the Buckeyes actually beat them in Columbus, forcing Ohio State to lose another national championship game to UF would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.


Elsewhere, Kentucky would seem to be a natural for the championship game, if they were fielding a basketball team this year. Perhaps the most intriguing possibility is Georgia. The Bulldogs will have proximity in their favor for the SEC tournament in Atlanta. A triumph there would result in a dream matchup with Ohio State in the Alamodome. This particular dream is the one in which Maurice Clarett enrolls in a class taught by Jim Harrick, Jr.


Until then, the Buckeyes must wait to see which SEC opponent will beat them in the next national championship game. With two consecutive title game appearances, OSU fans will certainly be pleased with head coach Thad Matta. His name alone makes the Buckeye fans happy: no S, E, or C to be found.

Ups & Downs of the Bowl Season

29 of the 32 bowl games have been played, including all but one of the BCS matchups. Who’s been up, and who’s been down? Let’s take a look.


Up: Temple. Missouri’s Tony Temple rushed for 281 yards and four touchdowns, and Temple coach Al Golden took himself out of the running for the UCLA job.
Down: UCLA. Some guy decided he’d rather coach at Temple.

Up: New Year’s Eve Cowboys. Oklahoma State routed Indiana in the Insight Bowl.
Down: New Year’s Day Indians. The Illini went down in flames versus USC. But at least the Rose Bowl Committee kept their traditional Big Ten-Pac 10 matchup. And thank God, since those Rose Bowls with Texas were total yawners.

Up: Florida Atlantic. The Owls earned their first-ever bowl victory by downing Memphis.
Down: The Rest of Florida. Central Florida, South Florida, Florida State, and Florida all went down to defeat. For good measure, the ’72 Dolphins had a lousy week, too.

Up: Red. The Texas Tech Red Raiders rallied to win the Gator Bowl, and Red Grange was named the greatest college football player of all time by ESPN.
Down: Yellow on Blue. The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets flopped on the blue turf. I know the game is ACC vs. WAC, but someone should figure out a way to put the Volunteers in the Humanitarian Bowl.

Up: Carr. The Wolverines gave Lloyd a victorious send-off.
Down: Stars. The top three Heisman finishers (Tim Tebow, Darren McFadden, and Colt Brennan) all lost. Somewhere, Chase Daniel is smiling.

Up: Boston College. The Eagles won a bowl game for the eighth straight year, downing Michigan State in the Champs Sports Bowl.
Down: Boston College. No one cares when you win eight straight mediocre bowl games.

Up: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia. Oh, sorry. I thought we were talking about hoops.
Down: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia. We’re actually talking about Stoops.

Up: Mister Burns. Kodi Burns’s touchdown run in overtime led Auburn past Clemson.
Down: Sideshow Bob. An online cheating scandal was a huge distraction for Bobby Bowden. Just one more reason for an old man to fear computers.

Up: Boilermakers. Led by Curtis Painter’s 546 passing yards, Purdue won the Motor City Bowl.
Down: AA. Star Houston running back Anthony Aldridge had just 30 yards rushing in a Texas Bowl loss. The game was on NFL Network, but for some reason CBS and NBC passed on simulcasting this one.

Up: Pac-10 in Texas. Cal and Oregon ended losing streaks with victories in Fort Worth and El Paso, respectively.
Down: Pac-10 vs. Texas. Arizona State was pounded by the Longhorns. ESPN even showed some live action on occasion, in between the endless shots of Mack Brown’s stepson.

Up: Erik Ainge. The Tennessee quarterback threw for 340 yards and two touchdowns in a victory over Wisconsin.
Down: Erik Ainge’s Offensive Coordinator. David Cutcliffe now takes over at Duke. “Accepting the Duke football job” is the sporting equivalent of “entering the witness protection program.”

Up: Mangino. The Kansas coach knocked off Virginia Tech to cap a 12-1 season.
Down: Reno. Nevada lost 23-0 to New Mexico in the New Mexico Bowl. Apparently, you only get to score if your team is part of the bowl’s name.

Up: East and West. East Carolina and West Virginia pulled upset wins.
Down: Central. Central Michigan and Central Florida both went down to defeat. On the bright side, Comedy Central gets The Daily Show and The Colbert Report back, resuming action Monday after a long layoff. Just like Ohio State.

Up: Bulldogs. Mississippi State, Fresno State, and Georgia all won.
Down: Bulls. South Florida got waxed by Oregon in the Sun Bowl. Paying homage to neighboring Mexico, these Bulls played matador defense.

Up: The Beaver. Oregon State moved to 9-4 with a win over Maryland.
Down: June. Coach Jones and his Hawaii Warriors had a tough trip to New Orleans. Louisiana trips are a lot more pleasant when you’re playing LA Tech.

Up: 81 For Coach Joe. 81-year-old Joe Paterno got an Alamo Bowl victory.
Down: 31 For Coach Groh. Up 28-14 with four minutes remaining, Virginia lost 31-28 to Texas Tech. The ACC was 0-5 from New Year’s Eve onward. In this one, ACC stood for “Al’s Cavaliers Choked.”

Boldin, Sims To Play For FSU In Bowl Game

After a week of turmoil, prospects seem to have brightened for the Florida State football program. First, offensive coordinator and head coach-in-waiting Jimbo Fisher decided to stay in Tallahassee instead of taking the top job at West Virginia. Now comes word that a pair of former Seminoles will lend head coach Bobby Bowden a hand. Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin and Lions linebacker Ernie Sims will suit up for FSU in next Monday’s Music City Bowl versus Kentucky.


The short-handed Seminoles will welcome the assistance, as 36 players will not be making the trip to Nashville. Some absentees will be due to injuries, but most of them were involved in an online academic cheating scandal. The issue has caused significant embarrassment for the 7-5 Seminoles. As one disgusted FSU fan put it, “The standards here have really taken a nose dive. At Florida State, we demand renegades who play for the national championship, not renegades who lose to Wake Forest!”


The issue does come with a bit of karma. Cheat at a music history course, and you miss the Music City Bowl. The same standard apparently applies to all Bowden-coached teams. Therefore, Clemson will have to take on Auburn without three players who were caught cheating in their Chick-Fil-A class.


As young NFL stars, Boldin and Sims will certainly provide a lift to the Noles. Both players left Tallahassee with one year of eligibility remaining, so in an unusual decision, the NCAA allowed them to play in one more bowl game. Reportedly, because Boldin and Sims play for Arizona and Detroit, the NCAA felt that they would otherwise never again have the opportunity to play post-season football.


Boldin actually has experience stepping in for suspended Seminoles in a bowl game. Five years ago, with FSU’s top two quarterbacks barred from action, Boldin shifted from wideout to quarterback in a Sugar Bowl loss to Georgia. He won’t have to change positions this time, but he will have to travel from Phoenix to Nashville and take the field just one day after his regular season NFL finale. Fortunately, Sunday’s game is against the Rams defense, so it’s not like he’ll have to exert himself.


Meanwhile, Sims will provide valuable assistance for the FSU defense. The Noles also had hoped to add San Diego cornerback Antonio Cromartie – another early NFL entrant – but he’ll be busy preparing for the first round of the playoffs. One day after facing Brett Favre, at least for part of the game, Sims will line up versus Andre Woodson and the high-powered Wildcats offense. Sims will surely find it strange for his Seminoles to be an underdog against Kentucky. Even more bizarre will be the scene after the game, when UK fans will dread the end of football season and reluctantly turn their attention to hoops.


Speaking of strange developments, the mere participation of Boldin and Sims on Monday comes as a shock to many football fans. But when it comes to these two players, one thing is even more surprising. Between the wide receiver and the linebacker, it’s the LINEBACKER who was a first round pick by the Lions.

Quick Hits On This Year's Bowl Matchups

This year’s college football bowl lineup is set, with 32 matchups on the way. For in-depth analysis, go to the experts. For quick drivel, I’m your man. The full titles of the bowls are listed, because it’s just funnier that way. Away we go!


December 20:

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. Utah. The title of the bowl is really long, so to compensate they had to take two teams with four letters each. Next year it’s Rice vs. Duke.

December 21:

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis. As he did with Miami and Louisville, coach Howard Schnellenberger leads FAU into a bowl game. Unlike the current coaches of Miami and Louisville.

December 22:

Papajohns.com Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Southern Mississippi. Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. So why can’t they sponsor a Better Bowl?

New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico vs. Nevada. For the second straight year, New Mexico plays in its namesake bowl. The same feat was accomplished in 1999 and 2000 by Tostitos Fiesta University.

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: Brigham Young vs. UCLA. The winners will proudly claim the trophy, until it’s stolen from their hotel room by O.J. and his goons.

December 23:

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Boise State vs. East Carolina. I think we can give Ian Johnson a pass if this year’s bowl experience doesn’t measure up to last year.

December 26:

Motor City Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Purdue. It’s a rematch of a September game in which the Boilermakers won by 23. Just a hunch, but I’m guessing Detroit sports fans are a little more excited about Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis.

December 27:

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona State vs. Texas. Wait, this is actually a pretty good matchup! How’d it get on the bowl schedule so early?

December 28:

Champs Sports Bowl: Boston College vs. Michigan State. What do you mean, “Champs” Sports? BC’s here because they LOST their championship game!

Texas Bowl: Houston vs. TCU. I’m pretty sure this bowl doesn’t actually exist, and this is a replay of a Conference USA game from five years ago.

Emerald Bowl: Oregon State vs. Maryland. This name would have been more appropriate for the Seattle Bowl, played in the Emerald City. Remember the Seattle Bowl? Okay, never mind…

December 29:

Meineke Car Care Bowl: Connecticut vs. Wake Forest. I’ve asked this question many times, but I have to keep asking: Why, oh why, does the Demon Deacon mascot wear a bowtie on his CHIN??? Somebody answer me!!!

Autozone Liberty Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Central Florida. Also known as the BCS National Championship Game, at least on George O’ Leary’s resume.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Penn State. The Aggies and Nittany Lions square off at the site of the Final Four, where top-ranked UNC hopes to be in April. Yep, 64 teams in bowl games, and this is the only way I could work my Tar Heels into the discussion.

December 30:

Petrosun Independence Bowl: Colorado vs. Alabama. Four games ago, Nick Saban was planning on a much better destination. But on this same day, his former employer might wind up 0-16. So Shreveport’s not so bad!

December 31:

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Air Force vs. California. It’s highly appropriate to have a service academy in the Armed Forces Bowl. But Cal hasn’t been armed, or a force, for two months now.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Fresno State vs. Georgia Tech. Fun Fact: The Humanitarian Bowl got its name because Mother Teresa was a huge fan of the blue turf.

Brut Sun Bowl: South Florida vs. Oregon. In this nutty college football season, it’s only appropriate that two former #2’s will spend New Year’s in El Paso.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone (seriously): Florida State vs. Kentucky. These schools squared off in the 1993 Elite Eight. It’s a sad, sad thing that I knew that off the top of my head.

Insight Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Indiana. With 2008 approaching, it’s time to go crazy after the game! I mean New Year’s Eve parties, not Mike Gundy’s press conference.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl: Clemson vs. Auburn. Only during Masters week will you see more Tiger fans in Georgia.

January 1:

Outback Bowl: Tennessee vs. Wisconsin. It’s the Vols’ second straight year in this game. But since South Carolina is home for the holidays, I don’t think you’ll hear Steve Spurrier say, “You can’t spell ‘Outback’ without ‘UT!’”

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic: Missouri vs. Arkansas. Heisman winners often have a tough time in bowl games. Fortunately for Chase Daniel and Darren McFadden, that will be Tim Tebow’s problem.

Capital One Bowl: Florida vs. Michigan. A year later, the “Gators vs. Wolverines” debate moves from the message boards to the field. Meanwhile, Lloyd Carr becomes yet another retiree in Orlando.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Virginia vs. Texas Tech. UVA’s Chris Long, like Michigan’s Jake Long, will go early in the NFL draft. Hearing “Long” uttered throughout the draft will make Jay Bilas smile.

The Rose Bowl Game Presented By Citi: USC vs. Illinois. By preserving the sacred Big Ten/Pac-10 matchup, Rose Bowl officials once again prove their devotion to tradition. As long as you ignore that “Presented By Citi” part.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Hawaii. Bulldog fans might be overconfident, but not because of Hawaii’s soft schedule. Remembering the old Falcon days, they just expect to see June Jones lose.

January 2:

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia. For the Mountaineers, why is it the Fiesta vs. the Sooners? Because of the siesta vs. the Panthers.

January 3:

Fedex Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Kansas. Fortunately, neither team is from Alaska, Arizona, California, Hawaii, Louisiana, or Texas. Because from Florida, you’re not allowed to FedEx Oranges to those states.

January 5:

International Bowl: Ball State vs. Rutgers. This one takes place in Toronto, so TWO countries get to ignore it.

January 6:

GMAC Bowl: Tulsa vs. Bowling Green. “GMAC” is a warning message to the only people paying attention to this game: “Gambling with Money: Addictive and Compulsive.”

January 7:

Allstate BCS National Championship Game. Ohio State vs. LSU. For Buckeye fans, it’s already a victory: a title game with no Gators in sight.

Surprises From Championship Saturday

Fittingly in a tumultuous college football season, Championship Saturday was completely unpredictable. The result is utterly predictable, as once again the much-maligned BCS is a mess. Tonight we’ll officially find out the championship matchup, as well as the other bowls. In the meantime, here’s a look back at Saturday’s surprises.


The #1 team lost, and it wasn’t an upset.

That #1 team was Missouri.

Dave Wannstedt had a huge win in December.

On September 1, an upset BY the Mountaineers made Buckeye fans giddy. On December 1, an upset OF the Mountaineers did the same.

Over two weekends, a team rose from #5 to #1 without playing a game. And there’s no legitimate argument against them.

The title game will almost certainly match up two teams who lost at home to then-unranked opponents.

Les Miles potentially set himself up for a huge matchup with Ohio State – by turning down Michigan.

A team (Cal) on the verge of being #1 in October proceeded to lose six of its last seven games.

Two teams that were ranked #2 this year lost to Stanford.

A former #2 (Oregon) lost in multiple overtimes, and it wasn’t LSU.

Karl Dorrell has not yet been fired. I live two miles from UCLA, so any minute I expect him to knock on my door, asking to crash on my couch.

Arizona State, which won a share of the Pac-10 title, beat one opponent that finished with a winning record.

That’s one less than USC, because the Trojans beat ASU.

The lone unbeaten team stayed that way by rallying from a 21-point deficit at home against the worst team in the Pac-10.

A Boston College-Virginia Tech rematch in Jacksonville was played before a huge number of empty seats. Okay, some things aren’t surprising.

Herschel Walker, my prediction for #1, finished at #3 in ESPN’s “25 Greatest Players in College Football” list. He won’t be the only Bulldog to get left out of the top 2 this weekend.

A team (Miami of Ohio) that was in a conference championship game finished with a losing record.

They’re not the only Miami who missed out on bowl season.

A non-conference opponent for Kansas (Central Michigan) is in a bowl game.

The traditional Army-Navy showdown… okay, I admire them for serving our country, but I can’t pretend to care about this game.

A guy (Kevin Smith of Central Florida) finished with 2,448 yards rushing, and you’ve probably never heard of him. I wonder if his teammates call him Silent Bob?

Florida International won a game. Like all great teams, they peaked at the end of the season.

AND THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF ALL:

Despite the fate of second-ranked teams this year, teams are now PLEADING to be #2!

Top Christmas Toys - For Football Coaches

It’s that time of year again, when kids around the country clamor for the most popular toys as Christmas gifts. The most coveted presents of all can be found here. These prized items – 10 for boys and 10 for girls - can bring joy not only to children, but to football coaches in college and the NFL. Granted, the only fat guy kids care about is Santa Claus, not Mark Mangino or Ralph Friedgen. But here’s a look at those coveted toys, and which coaches would be appropriate recipients of them as gifts.


TOP 10 TOYS FOR BOYS:

TMX Cookie Monster & TMX Ernie: Herman Edwards. The Chiefs coach will impart a valuable lesson to the Sesame Street characters. “Why do we play?” Not to build friendships, or smile, or share things, but to “Win the game!”

LEGO Mindstorms: Eric Mangini. “Mindstorms” should appeal to the “Mangenius.” Oh wait, this one should have been on the 2006 list.

Pleo Dinosaur: Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden. They’d get to consult with one of their contemporaries.

Transformers Toys: Urban Meyer. He’ll add to his existing transformer – a quarterback who transforms into a fullback.

Nintendo DS: Brad Childress. Since Darren Sharper and Dwight Smith each had a pick-6 last week, the Vikings coach is happy to add another “DS.”

Nintendo Wii: Cam Cameron. Unlike the Dolphins, at least “Wii” has a W.

R/C Spy Video Car: Bill Belichick. Duh.

Kid Tough Digital Camera: June Jones. Considering his Warriors’ schedule, the Hawaii coach is used to things that are kid-tough.

EyeClops Bionic Eye: Houston Nutt. Taking over at Ole Miss, which went winless in the SEC, he’ll need vision that no one else seems to have.

Power Guitar: Lane Kiffin. Since he works for Al Davis, it’s the only way he’ll get any power.

TOP 10 TOYS FOR GIRLS:

Webkinz: Nick Saban. The coveted plush toys inspired a craze, before shortages ensued. The coveted Bama coach inspired crazed fans, before a victory shortage ensued.

FurReal Friends: Dennis Franchione. Having been forced out at Texas A&M, he could probably use some friends these days.

iDog, iCat, and iFish: Mark Richt, Rich Brooks, and Jeff Fisher. They’re Dawg, Cat, and Fish, respectively.

Kid Tough Digital Camera: I just said June Jones! Pay attention, dammit!

Barbie Girls: Wade Phillips. As Tony Romo’s coach, he’s used to having blondes around.

2007 Holiday Collector Barbie: Lloyd Carr. Like the special-edition doll, you won’t see him next year either.

Hannah Montana Singing Doll: Mike Nolan. The 49ers coach desperately needs a Montana on his team.

Digi Makeover: Bill Callahan. He can only hope his next makeover works better than the one he tried in Lincoln.

FurReal Friends Butterscotch Pony: Tom Coughlin. He’ll settle for a pony, but as far as Mannings go, he’d rather have a Colt.

Amazing Allysen: Les Miles. The “AA” initials appeal to him, whether it’s Amazing Allysen or Ann Arbor.

College Football Limericks

In a season filled with surprise
Who will play for the nation’s top prize?
Next Sunday we’ll see
Who the two teams will be
But it won’t be the usual guys


It was thought LSU was the best
They still are – in the SEC West
But thanks to McFadden
Their fans were quite saddened
By the high-scoring Razorback guests


It was heartbreak for Les Miles’ men
With a 3-OT loss once again
Just like at Kentucky
They came up unlucky
Now Les will go to the Big Ten


In the Border War at Arrowhead
The Jayhawks could not stop the spread
At least they have hoops
But they won’t face Bob Stoops
Since in football, their hopes are now dead


A great night it was for Mizzou
As Chase Daniel’s profile grew
There was one central key
To this huge victory:
They were playing against number two


Now unless West Virginia’s upset
A title game shot they’ll get
There’s no way they should fall
In the Backyard Brawl
As long as Pitt’s coached by Wannstedt


But if it’s the Panthers’ night
Or the Sooners exert their might
Then a group of Buckeyes
Will compete for the prize
With no scary Gators in sight


It’s just been a crazy fall
In the world of college football
But this fact, by far
Is what’s most bizarre:
There’s no playoff to settle it all!

Bay Area Blues

Much has been made about the amazing run currently enjoyed by Boston sports teams. While the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics have made life great for fans in Beantown, it’s a different story in Northern California. The Golden Gate Bridge may be picturesque, but the sports landscape has been downright hideous in the Bay Area lately. Only the first-place San Jose Sharks have been thriving, and since they play hockey, you’re probably not interested. Otherwise, in just over the past week, here’s an ugly rundown of Bay Area sports.


November 10:

Cal falls 24-17 at home to USC. Before the season, this looked like one of the games of the year. Now College GameDay decides that Williams-Amherst is a better option. Okay, the Pats, Sox, and Celtics I can understand, but is ESPN THAT fixated on Massachusetts now?

Stanford loses 33-17 to lowly Washington State. On the bright side, the 3-7 Cardinal gets two weeks off – a bye, then a visit from Notre Dame.

November 11:

The Raiders fall 17-6 at home to the Bears. Somehow, Oakland allows the phrase “Rex Grossman heroics” to be used.

November 12:

The 49ers get shut out 24-0 by the Seahawks. “49ers” now refers to their total yardage per game.

November 13:

Vinny Testaverde turns 44. Unfortunately for 49er fans, an old guy’s playing quarterback, and it’s not Joe Montana. Not to be confused with Joe Mantegna, who turns 60 on this day. Yeah, it’s a stretch, but Tuesday’s a slow sports day. Cut me some slack!

November 14:

The Warriors lose 111-104 at home to the Pistons, falling to 0-6 on the season. I’m guessing they’re not quite as high on Jessica Alba’s social calendar these days.

November 15:

Giants’ icon Barry Bonds is indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. For once, Barry doesn’t get a free pass.

November 16:

Okay, some good news: Golden State finally gets into the win column, taking down the Clippers 122-105. Sorry Jessica, didn’t mean to imply that you’d jump ship just yet!

November 17:

Cal loses 37-23 at cellar-dwelling Washington. Once on the cusp of #1, the Golden Bears are now 6-5. At least they won’t have to worry about getting screwed by the BCS.

San Jose State falls 27-23 to Louisiana Tech, eliminating the Spartans from bowl consideration. They already should have been ineligible, since they’re crappy enough to be on Hawaii’s schedule.

The Stanford football team is off, and so is the basketball team, in a 79-67 upset by Siena.

November 18:

The 49ers drop their eighth straight in a 13-9 home setback to the Rams. They thereby enhance their draft position - for the Patriots, who own San Francisco’s first-rounder next spring. I’ll pause now, to allow NFL fans outside of New England to puke.

With a 29-22 defeat at Minnesota, the Raiders lose their sixth in a row. Which makes them the hottest NFL team in the Bay Area.

A’s utility whiz Marco Scutaro is traded to Toronto. Maybe he’s not a franchise player, but it’s just fun to say “Marco Scutaro.”

Duke-Notre Dame Winner To Be #2 in Next Week's Coaches Poll

Much ridicule has been heaped on tomorrow afternoon’s football matchup in South Bend. Notre Dame will host visiting Duke, with the Fighting Irish and Blue Devils each sporting 1-9 records. With the possible exception of Minnesota, tomorrow’s loser will carry the title of worst BCS team in the nation. However, now the victor will claim a less dubious honor. Saturday’s winner will be voted #2 in next week’s USA Today Coaches Poll.


This development comes on the heels of last night’s defeat by the current #2, Oregon, at the hands of Arizona. Hampered by the first quarter loss of Heisman Trophy candidate Dennis Dixon, as well as two return touchdowns by Wildcat Antoine Cason, the Ducks fell 34-24 in Tucson. For the fourth straight November, the Wildcats knocked off a ranked opponent in Arizona Stadium. Given that level of success during the month, the program is now looking into the possibility of playing during September and October as well.


Oregon joined USC, California, South Florida, and Boston College as second-ranked teams to fall since October 6. Given the “Curse of Number 2,” numerous coaches felt it would be appropriate to put the Irish or Devils into that spot. As one coach remarked, “The #2 team is pretty much guaranteed to lose. Well, the same thing is true for Notre Dame and Duke. So why waste that bad karma on a good team?”


The agreement among the coaches will only be in effect for one week, so there does not appear to be any danger of either team sneaking into the BCS National Championship Game. As one coach noted, “You saw what happened last year, when Notre Dame took on LSU WITH Brady Quinn and Jeff Samardzija. If that happened THIS year? I mean, hasn’t New Orleans seen ENOUGH destruction?”


Still, if the Irish rise to the second spot in the upcoming week, the Curse of #2 will have come full circle. It began when second-ranked USC was stunned by Stanford, led by first-year head coach Jim Harbaugh. Notre Dame could also take on the Cardinal as the #2 team next week. Commenting on Harbaugh, Irish coach Charlie Weis remarked, “Wow, I got a 10-year extension for ALMOST beating USC my first year. He actually won, so what did he get? 40 years?” A nearby Golden Domer added, “It’s incredible that Stanford even won a game this year. Tyrone Willingham was there just six years ago!”


#2 could be a far more unusual position for Duke. Even Steve Spurrier only votes them 25th in the pre-season poll. However, the Blue Devils could be second-ranked for the next week’s UNC-Duke football showdown, billed in previous years as “The Reason John Bunting Won’t Go Winless!” Duke coach Ted Roof has gotten permission from Mike Krzyzewski to add Gerald Henderson to the roster for that game, since he knows that Henderson has no problem hitting Tar Heels in Chapel Hill.


Before the announcement that the #2 ranking would be on the line, the Duke – Notre Dame game was a matchup only Dick Vitale could love. Saturday’s broadcast could be the worst thing on NBC since Veronica’s Closet. However, the new stakes have increased interest among the schools’ alumni. Hearing that Duke will be involved in a late-season matchup with something on the line, J.J. Redick has announced plans to show up and shoot 4-for-19.


Yes, Duke or Notre Dame will get to enjoy being #2 for a week. Down the road, if form holds, the national championship matchup will pit LSU against the Big XII champion. Of course, “if form holds” is the second-most laughable phrase in college football this year. What’s #1? The “Play Like A Champion Today” sign at Notre Dame Stadium.

Surprises From Illinois-Ohio State

Saturday in Columbus, visiting Illinois ended Ohio State’s dreams of a national championship with an upset over the top-ranked Buckeyes. Beyond the result itself, there were numerous surprises coming out of the Horseshoe. Here’s a look at a few of those.


Surprise: Head coach Ron Zook notched his most significant victory since taking over at Illinois.
Why That’s Surprising: We all knew that players recruited by Zook could beat the Buckeyes. We just assumed they had to be coached by Urban Meyer.

Surprise: Illinois improved to 5-2 in Big Ten play.
Why That’s Surprising: The Fighting Illini were 2-30 in conference games the previous four years. And you thought the Cubs had a tough time in the fall.

Surprise: Illinois reclaimed the Illibuck trophy with the victory.
Why That’s Surprising: Is possession of a wooden turtle really much of a motivation? Illibuck joins the Old Oaken Bucket, the Little Brown Jug, and countless other quirky trophies at stake in Big Ten contests. By conference rule, the winner of each game gets something that was picked up at a yard sale.

Surprise: With four touchdown passes, Juice Williams was instrumental in bringing Illibuck back to Illinois.
Why That’s Surprising: Athletes called Juice usually reclaim trophies by barging into a Vegas hotel room with weapons.

Surprise: Normally steady OSU quarterback Todd Boeckman threw three interceptions.
Why That’s Surprising: Today he’s thinking, “Well, at least I’m not Peyton Manning!”

Surprise: The key to staying undefeated was not to be OSU, but to BEAT OSU.
Why That’s Surprising: Among BCS conference teams, Kansas, improbably, is the lone unbeaten after a 40-28 victory at Oklahoma State. Asked why the Jayhawks prevailed, Cowboys coach Mike Gundy screamed, “They came after US! They are MEN! They got FORTY!”

Surprise: The Illini used a total team effort to take down the Buckeyes.
Why That’s Surprising: It has to be hard building teamwork in Champaign. There’s no sensible way to say, “There’s no “I” in “Illini.”

Surprise: Before next week’s Big Ten showdown, neither participant was caught looking ahead.
Why That’s Surprising: I’m talking about Northwestern-Illinois.

Surprise: Matt Sylvester was not involved.
Why That’s Surprising: He was responsible the last time an unbeaten run ended in an Illinois-Ohio State matchup in Columbus, nailing the winning three-pointer for OSU in March 2005. Unlike these Buckeyes, those Illini still got to advance to the national championship game. Because college basketball has this weird, crazy thing called a playoff.

Surprise: The #1 team in the nation lost at home to an unranked team.
Why That’s Surprising: It’s not – have you SEEN college football this year?

Boston College Conquers Deuceophobia in Blacksburg

Triskaidekaphobia is the term for a fear of the number 13. While 13 is frequently considered to be unlucky, another number proved to be far more treacherous in college football this month. Number 2 was absolutely deadly for anyone who carried the label, inspiring an outbreak of “deuceophobia” across college campuses. However, Thursday night in Blacksburg, one team refused to give in to this condition. With a dramatic 14-10 victory over Virginia Tech, 2nd-ranked Boston College conquered its deuceophobia.


In completing its comeback, BC became the first #2 team in the AP poll to win in October. First, USC inexplicably fell to Stanford. The Cardinal was just as giddy the next week, when hated rival and new #2 California went down against Oregon State. The hex was not just limited to the Golden State, as upstart South Florida’s one-week stay at #2 was then ended at Rutgers. “Number 2,” of course, is also something you do in a bathroom stall (one of many things, if you are Larry Craig). In this case, the term is particularly applicable. Once teams became associated with number 2, their undefeated seasons went down the toilet.


No one knows for sure why #2 became so unlucky. However, speculation centered largely on New Orleans Saints running back Deuce McAllister, who suffered a season-ending ACL injury on September 24. Conspiracy theorists charged that a bitter McAllister wanted other deuces to suffer, so he imposed a curse on the number 2 in college football. Local favorite LSU was #2 at the time, so as the theory went, McAllister waited a week to allow USC to fall back to 2nd before imposing the hex. Surely he could find plenty of help in New Orleans – a town filled with voodoo specialists AND fans who hate the Trojans.


Football coaches notice trends, so deuceophobia spread rapidly. Some defensive coordinators scrapped their Cover 2 and Tampa 2 schemes. Many offensive counterparts refused to try 2-point conversions. None of them wanted to play on ESPN2. Players were forbidden to watch Austin Powers movies, which feature the character known as Number Two. And all copies of A Tale of Two Cities were removed from locker rooms – a huge blow to the legions of players who depend on Dickens for pre-game inspiration.


Thursday night, it appeared that Boston College was ripe to join the list of victims. The 2nd-ranked Eagles endured 2 interceptions by Heisman candidate Matt Ryan and trailed by 2 scores late in the game. However, BC decided to make the number 2 work in their favor. Ryan executed the 2-minute offense to perfection and threw 2 touchdowns, sending the stunned Hokies to their 2nd defeat. The curse of number 2 was burst, like a balloon filled with helium (whose atomic number is 2).


Perhaps it was fitting that a team from Boston was able to turn the number 2 in their favor. On the same night, 2 runs were enough for the Red Sox to win Game 2 of the World Series. Their mere participation means that Sox fans don’t have to see Derek Jeter wearing #2 in the Fall Classic. Also on Thursday, the Bruins beat the Black Hawks by 2 goals. The Patriots are one of 2 undefeated NFL teams. And the Celtics are ecstatic about landing 2 new stars, including 2-guard Ray Allen. Boston-area native John Adams would have been proud. He was our nation’s original #2 as George Washington’s Vice President before becoming President #2. Alas, he then lost to Thomas Jefferson, who wound up on the 2-dollar bill.


Unlike USC, Cal, and South Florida, Boston College showed that the number 2 does not scare them. But just to be safe, the Eagles will be pulling for Penn State on Saturday.

A Robert Redford Guide To Football's Unbeatens

For many sports fans, Robert Redford is best remembered as mysterious baseball slugger Roy Hobbs in The Natural. However, the screen legend currently has a stronger connection to football - specifically to the remaining unbeaten college and NFL teams. In All the President’s Men, his Bob Woodward turned Washington on its ear, whereas Ohio State and Arizona State have knocked Washington on its rear. ASU has Sun Devils, while Redford has Sundance. New England and Indianapolis are reminding the AFC of The Way We Were – competing for last year’s Super Bowl berth. And for whatever reason, the NCAA still regards a top-division football playoff as an Indecent Proposal.

Redford’s films share additional connections to each of the thus-far perfect teams. Here’s a rundown.

NFL:

New England Patriots: Spy Game. This one was almost too easy. The movie was released on November 21, 2001, and the Pats went undefeated the rest of the way that season. Conspiracy theorists are checking the film to see if Brad Pitt taped the Rams’ sideline.

Indianapolis Colts: The Electric Horseman. Peyton Manning is a Colt who generates lots of electricity.

Division I-A (or whatever they’re calling it these days):

Ohio State: Lions for Lambs. The Buckeyes have mostly faced lambs in their run to #1, but they’ll be tested by the Nittany Lions on October 27.

South Florida: The Candidate. In the national championship chase, the Bulls were like Redford’s Bill McKay on the political scene: a complete unknown who was given no chance in hell by the establishment.

Boston College: Legal Eagles. These Eagles are working on the field, not in court. With a road win at Georgia Tech, they avoided The Sting by the Yellow Jackets.

Arizona State: Jeremiah Johnson. The Sun Devils’ November 3 showdown in Eugene could be impacted by a knee injury to Oregon running back Jeremiah Johnson. Cal visits Tempe the previous week, so like Redford’s character Jeremiah Johnson, ASU will have to survive in the midst of Bears.

Kansas: The Great Gatsby. Gatsby was named Jay, and was a newcomer to high society who took road trips to Manhattan. KU is named the Jayhawks, and is a newcomer to high society after a winning road trip to Manhattan. I’m pretty sure Redford looked better in a tux than Mark Mangino.

Hawaii: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The Sundance Kid was a great Western gunslinger. Colt Brennan is a great Western Athletic Conference gunslinger.

Ups & Downs of the Sports Weekend

It’s been an eventful weekend in sports, with three sweeps in the baseball postseason, a dramatic Saturday in college football, and an action-packed Sunday in the NFL. Here’s a look at who was up, and who was down.


Up: Rudy in L.A. Notre Dame finally ended its futility with a road win over UCLA.
Down: Booty in L.A. USC’s John David Booty threw four interceptions in a stunning loss to Stanford. The downside for the Cardinal? They helped Cal get closer to #1.

Up: Rockies. Colorado finished off a three-game sweep of the Phillies.
Down: Rocky. Philly’s favorite icon saw another title opportunity fade away. On the bright side, Temple won a football game on Saturday. Yes, Temple. Seriously.

Up: LSU Tigers in Death Valley. A dramatic victory over Florida cemented LSU’s #1 ranking.
Down: Clemson Tigers in Death Valley. Clemson self-destructed in a home loss to Virginia Tech, fulfilling their annual obligation to rise to the top 15 before falling back to mediocrity.

Up: Brandon Lyon. He was part of the Diamondbacks’ sterling pitching effort in the NLDS, allowing no runs in three innings of work.
Down: Detroit Lions. A 34-3 trouncing by the Redskins dropped the Lions’ record in Washington to 0-21. Only Congress accomplishes less in D.C.

Up: Jayhawks on the Road. Kansas won at Kansas State to remain undefeated.
Down: Seahawks on the Road. Seeking revenge for Super Bowl XL, Seattle fell 21-0 in Pittsburgh. Completing the sense of deja vu, Jerome Bettis retired after the game.

Up: Travis Hafner. His 11th-inning single won Game 2 for Cleveland.
Down: Travis Henry. Facing a potential one-year suspension, Henry and his Broncos teammates suffered a 41-3 humiliation at home versus San Diego. He’ll need the entire year off to see all of his children.

Up: Michigan Alumni in Coaching. LSU’s Les Miles and Stanford’s Jim Harbaugh notched huge victories.
Down: Michigan State Alumni. With a home loss to Northwestern, they again saw their team go into the tank once October arrived. Look for the Spartans to change their nickname to the A-Rods.

Up: Manny Ramirez. He followed up his Game 2 walk-off shot with a homer in the Red Sox’ Game 3 clincher.
Down: Aramis Ramirez. The Cubs third baseman had no hits in the three-game sweep by Arizona. But at least no one can blame him for 1909 through 2006.

Up: Samuel Peter. He retained his WBC heavyweight championship with a decision over Jameel McCline.
Down: WBC. Its heavyweight champion is some guy you’ve never heard of named Samuel Peter.

Up: Frank TV. As every baseball fan knows by now, it premieres November 20 on TBS. Two more promos ran while I was typing that sentence.
Down: Yank TV. While the Yankees staved off elimination Sunday, they still need two more wins to set up another Boston-New York ALCS. Like LeBron James, Fox executives are wearing their Yankee hats.

Up: Carolina vs. the Hurricanes. Butch Davis collected his first ACC win at UNC with a victory over his old Miami team.
Down: Carolina Hurricanes. They dropped a 2-0 contest to Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals on Saturday. But since it’s the NHL, no one actually saw it.

Up: Billy Goat. The Cubs still haven’t made the World Series since 1945.
Down: Rams. St. Louis and Colorado State are both 0-5. But to my dad’s delight, the Spring-Ford Rams took down Upper Perkiomen on Friday.

Up: Maurice Jones-Drew. His 52-yard touchdown run sparked the Jaguars to victory in Kansas City.
Down: Marion Jones. The gold medal sprinter finally admitted to taking steroids. Track and field insiders responded, “Well, DUH!!!!”

Up: Buckeyes in Indiana. Ohio State gave Purdue its first defeat of 2007 in West Lafayette.
Down: Buccaneers in Indiana. Tampa Bay was routed 33-14 in Indianapolis. Afterwards, Colts QB Peyton Manning went on a rant, complaining about Frank Caliendo being in more commercials than he is.

Up: Chase Daniel. The Missouri QB threw for 401 yards in a 41-6 rout over Nebraska.
Down: Chase Utley. The Phillie star matched teammates Jimmy Rollins and Pat Burrell with a .182 batting average in the NLDS. At least the Phils have one thing in common with the Red Sox: Curt Schilling has their most recent postseason victory.

Up: Kris Brown of the Texans. Houston’s kicker made all five field goal attempts, including the 57-yard game-winner versus the Dolphins.
Down: Mack Brown of Texas. Dating back to last season, his Longhorns have dropped four straight Big 12 matchups. But better days lie ahead. “Better days” meaning Iowa State and Baylor the next two weeks.

Up: Pats in New England. Tom Brady and company cruised once again in Foxborough.
Down: Bats Versus New England. The Angels managed just four runs in the three-game sweep by Boston. Looks like the Rally Monkey’s no match for the Green Monster.

Up: Ranked Bulls. South Florida entered the top 5 for the first time ever.
Down: Ranked Bulldogs. Georgia suffered a 35-14 blowout in front of 107,000 at Tennessee. 97,000 if you exclude Travis Henry’s kids.

Up: Undefeated Ohio Teams: Like Ohio State, Cincinnati beat a ranked opponent on the road to go to 6-0.
Down: Undefeated Wisconsin Teams. The Badgers fell at Illinois, and the Packers dropped a heartbreaker to the Bears. If the Bucks had been in action, they would have lost to the Bulls.

Up: National League West. Arizona and Colorado will square off for a berth in the World Series.
Down: AFC West. Ladies and gentlemen, your first-place Oakland Raiders!

Notre Dame & Other NBC Shows

In a matchup of proud but struggling programs, Michigan throttled Notre Dame 38-0 on Saturday. While the Wolverines hope the victory turns around their season, the Fighting Irish are left to wallow in the misery of an 0-3 start. The Golden Domers famously have a broadcast agreement with NBC for their home games. These days, the action from South Bend bears no resemblance to the high-level NFL games featured by the network on Sunday nights. But how do the Irish stack up with NBC shows on other nights? Here’s a look at the network’s fall lineup, and how those titles relate to the team.


MONDAY:

8:00: Chuck: Coach Charlie Weis, or the upchucking he’s been doing after games.

9:00: Heroes: People who are nowhere to be found at Notre Dame Stadium.

10:00: Journeyman: Another term for Midshipman – someone who actually has a shot at the Irish this year.

TUESDAY:

8:00: The Biggest Loser: What ND will be on October 20, when USC comes to town.

9:00: The Singing Bee: A Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket, after his team’s 33-3 domination in South Bend.

10:00: Law & Order: SVU: Riots that would take place on the campus of victorious Southern Virginia University (SVU), if only they got to play the Irish.

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 (Also Friday at 8:00): Deal or No Deal: Phrase frequently uttered by ND fans as they look to unload their tickets.

9:00: Bionic Woman: A reminder of the late 1970s – something the program could really use.

10:00: Life: Something the offense desperately needs.

THURSDAY:

8:00: My Name Is Earl: What babbling former coach Lou Holtz is saying right now in the ESPN studio.

8:30: 30 Rock: The team’s first three games, in which the Irish have gotten rocked by an average of 30.

9:00: The Office: Where ND alumni are getting abuse from co-workers every Monday morning.

9:30: Scrubs: Players who only see action in blowouts, also known as games vs. Notre Dame.

10:00: ER: As opposed to “Wake Up the Echoes,” it’s an abbreviation for “Echoes Resting.”

FRIDAY:

9:00: Friday Night Lights: Like ND home games, it’s an NBC broadcast that focuses on a high school football team.

10:00: Las Vegas: Where the Irish want to play their games, since what happens there, stays there.

Lloyd Carr's Supporters

Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan endured the humiliation of a 39-7 whipping by Oregon. The loss dropped the Wolverines to 0-2 after beginning the season as the #5 team in the nation. Fans were already calling for coach Lloyd Carr’s job in the wake of last week’s embarrassment versus Appalachian State. Those cries are sure to reach a fever pitch after the latest debacle.

While it seems that Carr has no support whatsoever these days, numerous high-profile individuals remain highly enthusiastic about him. Here are some of those people who are very supportive of Carr’s performance so far this season.


Matt Millen: No longer is he the most vilified football figure in Michigan.

John Beilein: Carr is already taking care of Beilien’s primary goal: turning Michigan into a basketball school.

Frugal Football Fans: For the first time anyone can remember, cheap tickets will be available to a Notre Dame-Michigan football game.

Joey Harrington: With Dennis Dixon’s dominant performance on Saturday, Harrington finally got to see an Oregon quarterback thrive in Michigan.

Mike Babcock: The Detroit Red Wings coach endured a painful elimination by Anaheim in the playoffs. But now someone in the area has had a far more embarrassing loss to the Ducks.

Sean McManus (President, CBS Sports): He doesn’t have to worry that Saturday’s Notre Dame-Michigan game will take viewers away from Florida-Tennessee.

John Swofford (Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner): With all the attention on the Wolverines’ plight, the ACC’s sorry performance has stayed out of the limelight.

Proponents of the Spread Offense: Michigan’s defense is proving how well this type of system can work.

Bob Raymond (Detroit Tigers Vice President, Marketing & Ticket Sales): The local sports fans want to see a team that might actually win at home.

Mark Silverman (President, Big Ten Network): Critics scoffed at the selection of games on the new network. But during Michigan-Appalachian State, it became must-see viewing.

James Duderstadt: A long-time science and engineering professor as well as a former U of M President, Duderstadt has criticized the university for placing far too much importance on winning football games.

Pat Hill: Next week, the Fresno State coach faces an elated Oregon team due for a letdown.

Ohio State & Michigan State Fans: No explanation necessary.

Fun Facts About Appalachian State

Last December, Michigan football fans howled over being left out of the BCS national championship game. Today, the Wolverines aren’t even worthy of the Division I-AA championship. Saturday at the Big House, Appalachian State stunned the fifth-ranked Goliaths from the Big Ten, departing Ann Arbor with a 34-32 triumph. You may know that the Mountaineers are the two-time defending national champions in their classification. But what else do you know about ASU? Here are some fun facts.


App State is located in the city of Boone, named for the character from Animal House.

ASU began in 1899 as Watauga Academy. If App State were still an academy, it would be on Notre Dame’s schedule.

By capturing the Division I-AA title in 2005, ASU became the first North Carolina school to win an NCAA championship in football. I know - it’s a shocker that Duke never did so.

As numerous commentators have noted, Division I-AA is now known as the Division I Football Championship Subdivision. None of those commentators have kept a straight face while saying it.

Like Jim Tressel with Youngstown State in 1993 and 1994, ASU coach Jerry Moore won consecutive national championships in 2005 and 2006. When you’re taking on Michigan, being like Jim Tressel is a good thing.

ASU has the highest elevation of any U.S. university east of the Mississippi River, inspiring the team slogan “Our football players are higher than Ricky Williams!”

Appalachian currently has a 27-game home winning streak – 27 games longer than Michigan’s current home winning streak.

ASU’s Kidd Brewer Stadium is affectionately known as “The Rock,” due to frequent shoot-outs there involving Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

The App State fight song, Hi Hi Yikas, is sung to the tune of the German folk song Bergvagabunden. Because nothing is more synonymous with high-level football than German folk songs.

ASU’s alma mater is called Cherished Vision, not to be confused with Kool and the Gang’s Cherish. But wouldn’t it be awesome if Kool and the Gang sang your school’s alma mater?

My sister-in-law in Florida is an Appalachian State alumna. So to please his mom, I’m sure my four-year-old nephew Matt will trade in his Gator helmet for a Mountaineer one.

According to the ASU media guide, the name of its mascot Yosef comes from “mountain talk for ‘yourself.’” English professors must be thrilled that the symbol of their university champions the value of “mountain talk.”

Former Mountaineer player Ron Prince is the head coach of Kansas State, which lost a late lead at Auburn Saturday night. So the upset bug wasn’t quite contagious among Appalachian State guys.

In the 1987 Rose Bowl, Michigan lost its only-ever matchup with Arizona State. So if you’re ASU, the Wolverines can’t beat you.

Saturday also featured a West Virginia rout over Western Michigan, so the state of Michigan was completely owned by Mountaineers.

App State’s next opponent is Lenoir-Rhyne. I’m sure that game will have over 100,000 fans too.

ASU’s chancellor is Dr. Kenneth Peacock. Like all male Peacocks, he displays his extravagant tail when he strolls the campus.

Each year, App State plays Western Carolina for possession of the Old Mountain Jug. Quirky trophies are often at stake in Big Ten games, so it’s no wonder the Mountaineers felt at home in Ann Arbor.

Mack Brown was ASU’s head coach in 1983. I’m guessing he didn’t have anyone like Vince Young at the time.

An Appalachian Summer Festival is the social event of the year on campus. Well, not this year, after the parties tonight.

A Woody Allen Guide To College Football's Top 16

On Friday, the pre-season USA Today college football coaches’ poll was released. Stocked with stud athletes, you might not expect these teams to have anything in common with Woody Allen. However, the nebbish director’s films have relevance for each of the top 16. Granted, Sleeper isn’t an appropriate match for the teams at the top. Here’s the Scoop on the movies that do have a connection to the big men on campus.


16. Rutgers: New York Stories. With Allen involved, we have to include a team in the shadow of the Big Apple.

15. Tennessee: September. After road trips to Berkeley on September 1 and Gainesville September 15, we’ll know early if the Vols are award-worthy.

14. Auburn: Bananas. That’s what the entire state of Alabama will be on November 24, when Nick Saban brings the Tide to Jordan-Hare Stadium.

13. Georgia: Mighty Aphrodite. A Greek goddess is appropriate for a team that plays in Athens. To beat Florida for a change, the Bulldogs actually need help from the gods.

12. California: Shadows and Fog. That’s all opponents will see when trying to contain DeSean Jackson on kick returns.

11. Louisville: Deconstructing Harry. Harry Douglas will be in a leading role as he hauls in touchdowns from Brian Brohm.

10. Ohio State: Take The Money And Run. Lots of last year’s Buckeyes are now collecting NFL salaries. On a separate note, it’s safe to say that Allen isn’t the most popular Woody in Columbus.

9. Virginia Tech: Everyone Says I Love You. The Hokies will be everyone’s sentimental choice this fall.

8. Oklahoma: Crimes and Misdemeanors. Due to NCAA violations, the Sooners were stripped of eight wins from 2005. Unfortunately for them, the infractions committee was composed entirely of Pac-10 replay officials.

7. Wisconsin: Annie Hall. The character of Annie Hall was a Wisconsin native. The scenes in which Diane Keaton wore a cheesehead didn’t make the final cut.

6. West Virginia: Bullets Over Broadway. Pat White and Steve Slaton will give the Mountaineer mascot plenty of occasions to fire his gun. Meanwhile, former WVU players will be shooting up strip clubs.

5. Michigan: Anything Else. Before a game against Ohio State or a bowl opponent, that’s Lloyd Carr’s response when asked, “What would you rather be doing?”

4. Texas: Manhattan. Last year in Manhattan, Colt McCoy was knocked out of a loss to Kansas State. This December, McCoy hopes to be in another Manhattan.

3. Florida: Play It Again, Sam. Fans in Gainesville want another trophy. Yeah, another one.

2. LSU: Hollywood Ending. That’s what the Tigers would have if they win a national title in New Orleans.

1. USC: Celebrity. Speaking of Hollywood, the Trojans keep turning out high-wattage stars in Tinseltown. Pete Carroll’s not a bad director, either.

AFI's Top 100 & The BCS

On Wednesday, the American Film Institute unveiled its 2007 list of the top 100 American movies of all time. The current list was an update to one released by AFI in 1998. As is the case with college football, the honor of being #1 was decided by voters, and the films won’t be participating in a playoff anytime soon.


However, perhaps the AFI rankings could be used to set up BCS-style matchups between the top movies. Here were the BCS showdowns last year, with the BCS ranking of each participant:

Rose Bowl: #3 (Michigan) vs. #5 (USC)
Fiesta Bowl: #8 (Boise State) vs. #10 (Oklahoma)
Orange Bowl: #6 (Louisville) vs. #14 (Wake Forest)
Sugar Bowl: #4 (LSU) vs. #11 (Notre Dame)
BCS Championship Game: #1 (Ohio State) vs. #2 (Florida)

For the AFI matchups, we’ll simply substitute the equivalently ranked films in place of the above teams. Here’s a forecast of how these showdowns would turn out:


Rose Bowl: #3 (Casablanca) vs. #5 (Singin’ in the Rain). Casablanca was ranked #2 in the 1998 poll, so it has to be furious over being excluded from the matchup of #1 vs. #2. So like Michigan last January 1, it won’t have the necessary focus against a formidable opponent. Like USC, Singin’ in the Rain takes place in LA and features stars with amazing footwork. Rick and Ilsa may always have Paris, but they’ll want to forget Pasadena. The Pick: Singin’ in the Rain

Fiesta Bowl: #8 (Schindler’s List) vs. #10 (The Wizard of Oz). Both these opponents defy the conventional wisdom: the color movie is from 1939, while the 1993 film is in black and white. But you have to favor Schindler’s List here. “Powerful” is the word most often used for it. As for The Wizard of Oz, not only is the Fiesta Bowl not in Kansas, but the playing surface at the University of Phoenix Stadium contains no yellow bricks. Plus, a bowl game is no place for munchkins – or for Lions. The Pick: Schindler’s List

Orange Bowl: #6 (Gone With the Wind) vs. #14 (Psycho). It’s Vivian Leigh vs. Janet Leigh! As a southeastern powerhouse, Gone With the Wind should thrive in a bowl environment. And with this showdown taking place in Florida, it surely will have plenty of fan support. Psycho is lucky to be here, since it’s not even the highest-rated Hitchcock film on the list (Vertigo is #9). So Gone With the Wind will cruise, although afterwards it might get stabbed in the shower. The Pick: Gone With the Wind

Sugar Bowl: #4 (Raging Bull) vs. #11 (City Lights). City Lights faces many of the same issues as Notre Dame in last year’s Sugar Bowl. The 1931 Charlie Chaplin film was #76 in the 1998 poll, so there are serious questions about whether it truly belongs here. Also, as a silent film made in the age of sound, it’s desperately holding onto the past. On the other hand, Raging Bull is the top-rated sports movie of all-time, so it should relish the competitive environment. Also, its themes of violence and massive weight gain will be right at home in New Orleans. The Pick: Raging Bull

AFI Championship Game: #1 (Citizen Kane) vs. #2 (The Godfather). Citizen Kane is the clear favorite here. However, #2 usually takes down #1 in the BCS, and the same will happen here. The USC-Texas classic, in particular, provides a guide. Citizen Kane is a defending champion, having also been #1 in the 1998 survey. It ends with Rosebud going up in flames, just as USC’s dynasty went up in flames at the Rose Bowl. Whether it’s Vince Young or the Corleones, the winners will be masters of the shotgun. The Pick: The Godfather


Chances are, these matchups will never take place. But if they do, the AFI winners will be just like their BCS counterparts. They’ll look great in the film room.

How Florida Will Continue to Dominate Sports

Last night, the Florida Gators won their second consecutive NCAA basketball championship with an 84-75 victory over Ohio State. The triumph continued a remarkable run for the school, which also defeated the Buckeyes for the national title in football.

Clearly the University of Florida is the dominant force in college sports right now. You might expect the Gators to have a low profile until the football season kicks off. However, UF will continue to have a huge impact on the sports world for the next few months. Here’s a look ahead.


Tonight: Although the title game matches Tennessee and Rutgers, the 9-22 Gators somehow win the women’s basketball national championship.

Sunday: Taurean Green replaces Phil Mickelson as champion of the Masters. Afterwards, Lefty presents him with the Taurean Green Jacket.

April 30: Inspired by Corey Brewer’s Final Four MOP performance, Milwaukee completes a perfect month for Brewers with a 26-0 record.

May 5: Billy Donovan is the winning jockey at the Kentucky Derby. Sadly for the locals, he decides not to lead humans to victory in Kentucky.

May 5: UF wins the NCAA men’s volleyball championship in Columbus, despite not fielding a varsity team. After noticing someone in a Gators shirt near the Ohio State logo, an NCAA official instinctively hands him a championship trophy.

May 27: Chris Leak triumphs at the Indianapolis 500. Furious rival drivers protest the results, claiming that Tim Tebow drove the final ten laps.

June 10: Following in his father’s footsteps, Joakim Noah captures the French Open.

June 17: After consistently putting the ball in the hole from long distance, Lee Humphrey wins golf’s U.S. Open.

June 18: Nashville becomes the third consecutive Stanley Cup champion from the southeast, after changing its nickname from the Predators to the Gators.

June 19: Proving that repeat basketball titles in Florida are a trend, the Miami Heat goes back-to-back.

July 8: Urban Meyer upsets Roger Federer to win Wimbledon. Federer consistently has to hurry his serves due to pressure from Jarvis Moss.

July 10: After Alfonso Soriano in 2004 and Miguel Tejada in 2005, Al Horford becomes the third Dominican in four years to be named MVP of the Major League All-Star Game.

July 22: Tiger Woods wins the British Open. Well, the Gators can’t change everything.

July 29: Versatile receiver Percy Harvin captures the Tour de France. Stage 1 was won by Ted Ginn Jr., who was then knocked out of the race by celebrating teammates.

Ohio State To Stop Playing Sports Versus Florida

Monday night in Arizona, Florida routed Ohio State 41-14 in the BCS national championship game. With the Buckeyes having been #1 all season, the result was stunning to most college football observers. However, the lopsided affair continued a pattern of futility for Ohio State athletics against the Gators. Therefore, OSU director of athletics Gene Smith has announced that the school’s teams will no longer compete against the University of Florida.


Many prognosticators expected the Buckeyes to dominate the Gators for 60 minutes on Monday. Instead, they dominated for 16 seconds. Ted Ginn, Jr. returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown and then supposedly left the game with an injury. Actually, Ginn was simply following the philosophy of George Costanza – always leave on a high note. Quarterback Troy Smith was definitely left wanting more – more protection, more yardage, more completions, etc. Known for his stellar play in big games, the Heisman winner played more like Anna Nicole Smith with just four completions for 35 yards. Coach Jim Tressel desperately tried to jump-start the offense, but he could not find a hypnotist to convince Smith that he was playing against Michigan.


Lining up with Florida proved to be far more problematic than the Wolverines. Ohio State had feasted against bowl competition in Arizona, defeating Miami, Kansas State, and Notre Dame over the past four seasons. Of course, that assumes the phrase “bowl competition” can still be used for the Fighting Irish. The Buckeye football program has struggled against the entire SEC, with a 0-8 record against the conference in bowl games. The SEC is looking particularly strong now, as Florida’s Urban Meyer is the conference’s fourth active national championship head coach. He joins Steve Spurrier, Phillip Fullmer, and Nick Saban, unless Saban bolts for another job before I finish this article.


Last night was Ohio State’s second athletic debacle against UF in the past month. The basketball team experienced similar futility on December 23. With the injured Greg Oden back on the court, the third-ranked Buckeyes were confident as they headed to Gainesville to take on another group of national champion Gators. Florida responded with an 86-60 trouncing, as Oden struggled with foul trouble and was outplayed by Al Horford. Taurean Green led a 33-9 second half run that put the Gators in cruise control. Florida coach Billy Donovan spent the last ten minutes drinking egg nog and singing Christmas carols to his assistants.


Perhaps the Buckeyes had foresight of such a result last March. Second-seeded OSU fell to Georgetown 70-52 in the second round of the NCAA tournament. If Thad Matta’s crew had won that contest, Florida would have awaited in the Sweet 16. Most recaps claimed that the Hoyas’ stifling defense had ended the Buckeyes’ season. However, with the specter of the Gators looming, the real culprit was probably herpetophobia – fear of reptiles.


For good measure, last February the UF baseball team trounced Ohio State 10-3. Reflecting on the pattern of blowout losses to the Gators, Gene Smith decided that he’d had enough and put the no-Florida policy into effect. “That school has brought our athletic program nothing but pain recently, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said the AD. “We’d probably lose to them in women’s hockey – we’re ninth in the country and they don’t even have a team,” he continued. “Seriously, they’d just put a few sorority girls on the ice, and they’d be smacking slapshots into our goal!”


The OSU men’s golf team will still honor its prior commitment to participate in the Gator Invitational in Gainesville next month. The program of Jack Nicklaus is bound to be a bunch of hackers that weekend, but Gene Smith does see a silver lining. He noted, “Sure, being in Gainesville will have our guys shooting way over par. But that means they’ll be tearing up their course and leaving divots all over the place!” The comment brought a fit of laughter, which soon deteriorated into weeping.


Otherwise, the faithful in Columbus will no longer have to worry about the Gators. After last night’s dominance by Chris Leak and his mates, the debate over whether Florida belonged in the BCS championship game seems like a distant memory. Last month, Michigan insisted that they should have gotten that berth. Today, for once, the Buckeyes agree with their arch-rivals.