10 Things To Look For On MLK Day

This Monday, the most enduring figure of the Civil Rights Movement will be honored on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The NBA will be highly visible on the holiday, with 13 games scheduled. Besides the on-court action, here are 10 other things to look for in the sports world on MLK Day.


The Houston Rockets will trade Luther Head to Sacramento, where he will join Kevin Martin. So you’ll see Martin and Luther on the Kings.

The New England Patriots will refer to MLK Day as MK Day, since the letter “L” doesn’t apply to them.

Sprinter Tim will refuse to watch footage of Jerome Bettis, thereby imposing a Montgomery Bus Boycott.

Roger Clemens will stick up for another player named in the Mitchell Report, proclaiming: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to David Justice everywhere.”

John Calipari will join the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, explaining, “Finally, I’m in a Conference that's worth something!”

After LeBron asks who wrote the 95 Theses in 1517, a teammate will reply, “Martin Luther, King James.”

A high-scoring NBA guard of the 70s and 80s will recall the day he changed his name: “World B. Free at last, World B. Free at last, thank God almighty I’m World B. Free at last.”

Appropriately on a holiday honoring a Junior, Ken Griffey and Dale Earnhardt will have the day off.

Rudy Tomjanovich will explain why he coached two NBA champions: “I had The Dream.”

The Redskins will trade Clinton Portis to Buffalo for Marshawn Lynch as part of their “Marshawn Washington” tribute.

Top Christmas Toys - For Football Coaches

It’s that time of year again, when kids around the country clamor for the most popular toys as Christmas gifts. The most coveted presents of all can be found here. These prized items – 10 for boys and 10 for girls - can bring joy not only to children, but to football coaches in college and the NFL. Granted, the only fat guy kids care about is Santa Claus, not Mark Mangino or Ralph Friedgen. But here’s a look at those coveted toys, and which coaches would be appropriate recipients of them as gifts.


TOP 10 TOYS FOR BOYS:

TMX Cookie Monster & TMX Ernie: Herman Edwards. The Chiefs coach will impart a valuable lesson to the Sesame Street characters. “Why do we play?” Not to build friendships, or smile, or share things, but to “Win the game!”

LEGO Mindstorms: Eric Mangini. “Mindstorms” should appeal to the “Mangenius.” Oh wait, this one should have been on the 2006 list.

Pleo Dinosaur: Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden. They’d get to consult with one of their contemporaries.

Transformers Toys: Urban Meyer. He’ll add to his existing transformer – a quarterback who transforms into a fullback.

Nintendo DS: Brad Childress. Since Darren Sharper and Dwight Smith each had a pick-6 last week, the Vikings coach is happy to add another “DS.”

Nintendo Wii: Cam Cameron. Unlike the Dolphins, at least “Wii” has a W.

R/C Spy Video Car: Bill Belichick. Duh.

Kid Tough Digital Camera: June Jones. Considering his Warriors’ schedule, the Hawaii coach is used to things that are kid-tough.

EyeClops Bionic Eye: Houston Nutt. Taking over at Ole Miss, which went winless in the SEC, he’ll need vision that no one else seems to have.

Power Guitar: Lane Kiffin. Since he works for Al Davis, it’s the only way he’ll get any power.

TOP 10 TOYS FOR GIRLS:

Webkinz: Nick Saban. The coveted plush toys inspired a craze, before shortages ensued. The coveted Bama coach inspired crazed fans, before a victory shortage ensued.

FurReal Friends: Dennis Franchione. Having been forced out at Texas A&M, he could probably use some friends these days.

iDog, iCat, and iFish: Mark Richt, Rich Brooks, and Jeff Fisher. They’re Dawg, Cat, and Fish, respectively.

Kid Tough Digital Camera: I just said June Jones! Pay attention, dammit!

Barbie Girls: Wade Phillips. As Tony Romo’s coach, he’s used to having blondes around.

2007 Holiday Collector Barbie: Lloyd Carr. Like the special-edition doll, you won’t see him next year either.

Hannah Montana Singing Doll: Mike Nolan. The 49ers coach desperately needs a Montana on his team.

Digi Makeover: Bill Callahan. He can only hope his next makeover works better than the one he tried in Lincoln.

FurReal Friends Butterscotch Pony: Tom Coughlin. He’ll settle for a pony, but as far as Mannings go, he’d rather have a Colt.

Amazing Allysen: Les Miles. The “AA” initials appeal to him, whether it’s Amazing Allysen or Ann Arbor.

The Red, White & Blue of Sports

Today is the 4th of July, also known as the Poulan Weedeater Independence Day. Whether it’s fireworks, picnics, or Joey Chestnut gorging himself with 66 hot dogs, Americans are finding fun ways to celebrate the USA’s 231st birthday. The sports realm has a particular fondness for the red, white, and blue, even if the Cincinnati Reds, Chicago White Sox, and St. Louis Blues aren’t faring so well these days.

With the spirit of the day in mind, here’s a look at some Red, White, and Blue sports figures. Certainly, there are far more Reds and Whites to choose from in comparison to Blues. However, I’m giving equal representation to each color. Before proceeding, please rise, remove your hat and imagine that someone near your computer is playing the Star-Spangled Banner. If you’d also like to take a moment and wonder why you never hear the word “spangled” outside of a flag context, feel free.

RED:

Red Auerbach: The Celtics mastermind ruled the NBA for decades, but things got tougher in the 90s. Worst of all, after Cigar won the 1995 Breeders Cup Classic, Auerbach tried to light the horse on fire.

Red Grange: The Illinois and Bears star was known as The Galloping Ghost, because he enjoyed making pottery with Demi Moore.

Red Holzman: He coached the Knicks to the 1970 and 1973 NBA titles and passed away in 1998. Holzman briefly came back to life at the funeral, inspired by the arrival of a limping Willis Reed.

Red Klotz: As the leader of the New York Nationals (formerly the Washington Generals), Klotz is in charge of a team that’s destined to lose every time. The same is true of Matt Millen.

Michael Redd: The Bucks’ sharpshooter will represent Team USA later this summer in the FIBA Americas Championship. He’s preparing for the experience by playing bad defense against guys from Argentina.

Red Schoendienst: Teammate Stan Musial claimed that the Cardinal second baseman had “the greatest pair of hands I’ve ever seen.” Clearly he never saw George Costanza before the tragic iron mishap.

WHITE:

Byron White: Known as “Whizzer,” he was a Supreme Court justice and is a member of the College Football Hall of Fame. That dual feat was later duplicated by Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Charles White: As far as USC running backs go, he gets the edge over LenDale White. Charles won his own Heisman, while LenDale watched everyone around him get one.

Frank White: Frank gets the nod over Devon White because his 1980 Royals were kind enough to lose the World Series to my Phillies, unlike Devon’s greedy ‘93 Blue Jays.

Randy White: He was the Co-MVP of the Cowboys’ Super Bowl XII triumph. Don’t worry Randy - you don’t have to share this entry with Harvey Martin.

Reggie White: As we celebrate our freedom, it’s appropriate to mention one of history’s greatest Eagles. Another Philly icon, Ben Franklin, wanted the turkey to be the national symbol. So say it with me, in honor of Ben: “T-U-R-K-E-Y-S! TURKEYS!!!”

Shaun White: He’ll have particular relevance at 4th of July BBQs today, as food fights everywhere will begin with a Flying Tomato.

BLUE:

Forest Blue: You’ve probably never heard of him, but he made four straight Pro Bowls in the early 1970s as an offensive lineman for San Francisco. Most importantly, his name sounds like a Crayola color.

Vida Blue: He won the American League Cy Young Award in 1971 – a year after Jim Perry and a year before Gaylord Perry. Blue narrowly edged Matthew and Luke Perry.

Blue Edwards: He had the first triple-double in Vancouver Grizzlies history. No, I don’t care, either.

Blue Moon Odom: An Oakland teammate of Vida Blue’s, Odom had a 1.07 ERA in 42 postseason innings. As is common with Blue Moon pitchers, bartenders served him with a slice of orange.

Blue, Don Cherry’s bull terrier: Sure, the hockey commentator and his dog are much more famous in Canada. But Sunday was Canada Day, so why not share some holiday love with our neighbors?

Blue from Old School: He sacrificed his life in the midst of athletic competition. So for Frank the Tank and sports fans everywhere, he’s our boy.

Jesus & The NHL

This Sunday is Easter, when Christians worldwide celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It’s also the final day of the regular season in the National Hockey League. Long before Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier, Jesus was considered The Great One AND The Messiah. The “turn the other cheek” policy might not be popular on the ice, but many other parallels to Jesus can be found in the NHL. Here are a few.


Jesus: Walked on water
NHL: Players skate on frozen water

Jesus: Originated in a manger
NHL: Original Six included the Rangers

Jesus: Forgave sinners
NHL: Forgives sinners – after time in the penalty box

Jesus: Worshippers drink the Lord’s blood from a cup
NHL: Features blood and worship of Lord Stanley’s Cup

Jesus: Spread love to all
NHL: Players shed gloves to brawl

Jesus: Saved souls from the devil
NHL: Martin Brodeur saves the Devils from goals

Jesus: Resurrected after dying on the cross
NHL: Pittsburgh was resurrected by Crosby

Jesus: Joined his father in immortality
NHL: Upon entering the Hall of Fame, Brett Hull will join his father in immortality

Jesus: Was called King of the Jews
NHL: Michael Cammalleri is a King and is Jewish

Jesus: Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
NHL: Vancouver’s roster includes Matt, Marc, Luc, and Jan

Jesus: Received death sentence from Pontius Pilate
NHL: Islanders receive depth from Pensacola Ice Pilots

Jesus: Christians praise his miracles
NHL: Dave Christian was part of the Miracle On Ice

Jesus: Savior who was denied three times by Simon Peter
NHL: Sabres denied Philly’s Simon Gagne and Peter Forsberg last year

Jesus: Spent many years as a carpenter
NHL: For many years, had Bobby Carpenter

Jesus: Inspired numerous martyred saints
NHL: Tampa Bay is inspired by Martin St. Louis

Jesus: Died at Calvary
NHL: Atlanta Flames died and moved to Calgary

Jesus: Birth was celebrated by three wise men
NHL: Detroit enjoyed three celebrations with Stevie Y’s men

Jesus: Presided over the Last Supper
NHL: Until the next generation arrives, Ron was the last Sutter

Jesus: Protected by Mary and Joseph
NHL: Phoenix net is protected by Curtis Joseph

Jesus: Followers believe he exists, even though they don’t see him
NHL: Americans believe it exists, even though they don’t see it

St. Patrick's Day & Denver Sports

This Saturday, while sports fans are riveted by the second round of March Madness, they also get to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. In the sports world, the occasion evokes images of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and the Boston Celtics. However, the teams in Denver seem to have a particularly strong connection to March 17. Here is a comparison of St. Patrick’s Day and Denver sports.


St. Patrick’s Day: A time for “the wearin’ o’ the green”
Denver Sports: John Elway triumphed after wearing out Green Bay

St. Patrick’s Day: Parades are held in honor of St. Patrick
Denver Sports: Victory parades were held in honor of Patrick Roy

St. Patrick’s Day: Partiers love to keep doing shots
Denver Sports: Carmelo Anthony loves to keep taking shots

St. Patrick’s Day: Symbolized by the shamrock
Denver Sports: The baseball team has often been the sham Rockies

St. Patrick’s Day: According to legend, St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland
Denver Sports: Jay Cutler drove The Snake into retirement

St. Patrick’s Day: A holiday that inspires celebrations
Denver Sports: Matt Holliday’s home runs inspire celebrations

St. Patrick’s Day: An appreciation of all things Irish
Denver Sports: The Nuggets appreciated Alex English

St. Patrick’s Day: All day, partiers keep beer on ice
Denver Sports: For 18 seasons, the Avalanche has kept Joe Sakic on the ice

St. Patrick’s Day: Leprechauns treasure their pot of gold
Denver Sports: The Broncos treasure linebacker Ian Gold

St. Patrick’s Day: Honors large-scale beer consumption
Denver Sports: Coors Field honors large-scale beer consumption

St. Patrick’s Day: Pub patrons rejoice while raising their pint glasses
Denver Sports: The Avalanche rejoiced while raising the Stanley Cup

St. Patrick’s Day: A time for festive music
Denver Sports: The Nuggets are looking up at the Jazz

St. Patrick’s Day: Synonymous with the number 17
Denver Sports: Todd Helton is synonymous with the number 17

St. Patrick’s Day: Honors Ireland’s patron Saint
Denver Sports: New Bronco Montrae Holland is a former Saint

St. Patrick’s Day: Guinness on draft is the #1 choice
Denver Sports: In the ‘96 draft, Allen Iverson was the #1 choice

Christmas Characters' Sports Counterparts

Athletes have often been compared to Christmas figures, even going back to the story of the Nativity. Mark Messier was The Messiah, and A.C. Green was the Virgin. There have been plenty of wise men – just none affiliated with the Arizona Cardinals.

Today’s athletes also relate to the secular Christmas icons. I made a list and checked it twice. Grab some egg nog and read on…


Santa Claus: Greg Oden. He’s a big man who wears a red uniform and came onto the scene in December.

Rudolph: Kobe Bryant. People say he doesn’t fit in with the others. But he can really light it up.

Dasher: Devin Hester

Dancer: Chad Johnson

Prancer: Terrell Owens

Vixen: Maria Sharapova

Comet: Sheryl Swoopes. Of the Houston Comets.

Cupid: Davis Love III

Donner: Pat Riley. Like Richard Donner, Riley directs Superman – when he’s healthy.

Blitzen: Shawne Merriman

The Grinch: Kenny Rogers. He was a mean one, but in October his heart grew three sizes.

Ebeneezer Scrooge: Alex Rodriguez. He’s rich as can be, no one seems to love him, and he’s haunted by ghosts from the past.

Tiny Tim: Tim Dwight

George Bailey: Vladimir Guerrero. He helps a guardian Angel (Mike Scioscia) achieve his goals.

Frosty: Allen Iverson. His relationship with the 76ers.


Notice that college football was not featured above. Because it can’t truly be “the most wonderful time of the year” until we get rid of the BCS.

March Madness Limericks

Today provides two huge reasons to celebrate – St. Patrick’s Day, and another full day of NCAA tournament action. To honor the Big Dance and all things Irish, I will share these March Madness limericks with you. Feel free to raise a glass before enjoying them.

When it’s time for your office pool

Be careful when picking your school

If they lose right away

Co-workers will say

“Have fun in last place, you fool”

It’s a big time for all the mid-majors

Who could bring huge returns on your wagers

When they beat a top seed

Lots of fans will have need

For a couple of shots of Jager

When a shocking bid went to Air Force

Cincinnati fans screamed themselves hoarse

As the Illini

Bid the Falcons goodbye

The Bearcats remarked “Of course!”

Last week A&M was in trouble

As they struggled with life on the bubble

Now they’re into round two

To take on LSU

After leaving the Orange in rubble

There is a 9 seed named Bucknell

Thanks to them last year Kansas fell

Now the Bison are back

So beware Razorbacks

Or you’ll have 40 minutes of hell

When IU hit from long range late

They survived San Diego State

Davis is still around

For at least one more round

So the pleas for Steve Alford can wait

When Pacific matched up with BC

They battled through double OT

The Eagles were winners

Relieving Al Skinner

Who thought “these nail-biters kill me”

When it seemed that Gonzaga would crack

Morrison put them on his back

He scored 35

So the Zags would survive

Unlike the Nevada Wolf Pack

Last season the title was Roy’s

But this year he had to coach boys

All the critics threw up

As the freshmen grew up

And the Heels plan to make some more noise

It was hard for fans to believe

When a two seed the Vols received

Many thought they would drop

Right away to Winthrop

Until Lofton’s last-second heave

Now UCLA’s on a roll

With a Final Four berth as a goal

But if things fall apart

The fans can take heart

That USC lost the Rose Bowl

The Longhorns feel they have a chance

To celebrate next to Jim Nantz

Then Austin would rock

And claim the best jocks

As the hoopsters join Vince Young and Lance

Villanova has claimed a top seed

Thanks to guards with impressive speed

Though their team may be short

They feel a frontcourt

Is something they don’t really need

There is a proud coach named Calhoun

Who has Williams, Gay, Brown, and Boone

If his team comes to play

They could go all the way

But they might just as easily swoon

A top seed again goes to Duke

Whose success is surely no fluke

But when Dickie V screams

His love for this team

It makes other fans want to puke

When the tourney wraps up for the year

Then “One Shining Moment” you’ll hear

You may think it’s wrong

But this sappy song

Brings basketball fans to tears

Santa Claus Continues Holdout

With Thanksgiving just over a week away, the holiday season is nearly upon us. However, glad tidings appear to be in short supply at the North Pole. Representatives for Santa Claus and the world’s toy stores remain at an impasse after the latest round of contract negotiations.

If no agreement is reached, the delivery of toys to the world’s youth could be in serious jeopardy. Santa Claus expressed his appreciation for the children, but added that he has the right to demand what he feels he is worth. Furious that the toy stores offered him the same salary as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus fumed, “What a joke! Kris Kringle does ten times the work as the Easter Bunny. So Kris Kringle’s gotta do what’s right for Kris Kringle!”

The toy stores counter that due to the expansion of online shopping, Santa Claus is not producing at the levels he once was. “Nobody appreciates what Santa has done more than we do,” commented Ebeneezer Grinch, counsel for the toy stores. “He’s an international treasure, and at his peak he was something to behold. But he’s clearly past his prime, and UPS and FedEx are doing lots of his work now. From an economic standpoint, paying him exorbitant dollars makes no sense.”

The relationship between Santa Claus and the toy stores has become increasingly contentious this year. First, the stores angered Santa by insisting on a dress code that would have outlawed his classic red suit and black boots. They relented after Santa Claus repeatedly objected, “No one makes SC wear a tie!” The stores opted not to push a similar policy outlawing facial hair.

What particularly irked Santa was the toy stores’ support of star reindeer Rudolph in his feud with St. Nick. The stores publicly denounced Santa’s statement that his team would be more successful if Brett Favre were leading the sleigh. Press conference rantings by Santa’s agent Drew Rosenhaus only exacerbated the acrimony.

The stores were also less than supportive as media rumors swirled about Santa’s physique. His lighter appearance this season coincided with the first year of the toy stores’ new drug testing procedures. While speculation raged about performance-enhancing substances, Santa Claus insisted that he ingested nothing stronger than milk and cookies left by excited children. His weight loss, he claimed, resulted from spinning classes at the new Gold’s Gym on the North Pole.

This issue only adds to the developments that have downgraded the once-beloved icon’s public image. Feminists have long condemned Santa’s trademark phrase, “Ho Ho Ho,” insisting that his generations of service give him no right to treat women as objects. St. Nick also enraged Arizona residents when he threatened to boycott the state during his infamous “We talkin’ ‘bout CACTUS!” rant.

Time is running out for Santa Claus and the toy stores to come to an agreement. If they fail to reach common ground, it’s the children who will suffer. If that happens, the kids will forget the true meaning of Christmas, instead viewing the sacred holiday as a mere celebration of the Messiah’s birth. And that will truly be sad.