All About PA

It’s time for Playoff Action between Pennsylvania Adversaries! No, not baseball – the Phillies’ Ambitions include October, but the Pirates’ Awfulness continues. It’s the NHL Eastern Conference finals, as Pittsburgh Awaits Philadelphia’s Arrival on Friday night. While the Predators, Avalanche, and Phoenix, Arizona’s Coyotes Plan Ahead for next season, the Keystone Staters’ Postseason Aspirations involve claiming the Prize Anaheim Possesses, At least until next month.


The Steel City’s Proud Atlantic Division champs are led by Penguins Ace Sidney Crosby, who’s Predictably Admired for his Prodigious Assets. Not in a Pam Anderson way – I mean his Passing Ability and Points Accumulation skills. He’s a Phenom Akin to his owner, Mario Lemieux, and his Peer, Alexander Ovechkin. Besides Sid the Kid, Marian Hossa Provided Assistance in Putting Away the Rangers. A Positive Addition since departing Philips Arena, the Past Atlanta star’s game-winner ended the series.


As Flyers fans are Painfully Aware, their team hasn’t Paraded Around the Stanley Cup since the Broad Street Bullies’ Pugilistic Approach and Bernie Parent’s Amazing goaltending had William Penn Atop a Populace Adoring its champions. The Prospect, Alas of Partying Anew this spring seemed Positively Absurd last year, which was Pure Agony. But a Potent About-face has fans’ Passions Aroused. They especially Praised Alberta native Joffrey Lupul, whose Puck Accuracy in Game 7 versus Washington Propelled Ahead his team. Then they Pushed Around Montreal in 5 games.


Sure, the NHL needs more Press Attention. It doesn’t exactly Pull American Idol-type ratings, but who needs Paula Abdul? At least you’ll have Packed Attendance, if not Pop Anthems. You won’t find Pacifists Anywhere, so Penalty Assessments due to Players’ Aggression will lead to Power Play Advantages.


This series may not matter in Perth, Australia or even Lawrence, Kansas (land of Phog Allen). But the state that gave us Palmer, Arnold will Provide Antagonism worthy of Pat’s Against Geno’s. Indeed, much like this Profound Article, the Eastern Conference finals are all about PA.

The Pro Commissioners' Week in Limericks

As a fan it's the ultimate wish
To be a pro sport's big fish
But when scandal and shame
Overshadow the game
It's a tough week to be a commish

One who knows this is Roger Goodell
Dogged by cruelty in the NFL
He's dying to see
The Falcons' QB
Get mauled by a pit bull in hell

Of David Stern's fears in b-ball
A game-fixing ref's worst of all
While the mob turned vicious
The feds got suspicious
When Tim made a travelling call

Bud Selig is also quite sick
At the park that replaced Candlestick
In the shadow of 'roids
He cannot avoid
Watching Barry hit 756

But amid all the media fuss
Gary Bettman's no gloomy Gus
"This week's not so rocky"
Crowed the leader of hockey
"'Cause nobody cares about us!"

Why the Stanley Cup Is Like Paris Hilton

Last night in the Honda Center, the Anaheim Ducks defeated the Ottawa Senators 6-2 to wrap up the Stanley Cup finals in five games. While the Ducks celebrated their first championship, NBC and the NHL lamented the lack of interest in the event in the United States.

Unlike hockey, Paris Hilton never has to worry about media attention in America. Her headlines continued overnight, as she was released from jail early to serve the remainder of her prison sentence in home confinement. Basically, she switched to a different penalty box. Hockey’s storied trophy does share some similarities with the hotel heiress. Here are numerous ways Lord Stanley’s Cup is like Paris.


It resides in Southern California these days.

It weighs 35 pounds.

It gets passed around by a bunch of men.

In the U.S., it’s the frequent target of jokes.

It travels extensively.

When it’s not traveling, it’s locked up.

Millions have seen it on tape.

It doesn’t do anything on its own.

It’s worth a huge sum of money.

It didn’t get any action in 2005 (whoops, that doesn’t belong).

Last night, it was around a bunch of people in uniforms.

Lots of alcohol has been poured into it.

It’s been on numerous late-night talk shows.

It symbolizes a standard of excellence (that doesn’t belong either).

Every team member gets to have it for a night.

Regular guys don’t get to be around it.

It just doesn’t fit with the word “Senator.”

Anaheim Haunts Detroit Sports Tuesday Night

Tuesday night in Secaucus, New Jersey, the Portland Trail Blazers emerged from the NBA Draft Lottery with the #1 selection. Blazer fans are surely ecstatic at the prospect of Greg Oden or Kevin Durant suiting up at the Rose Garden Arena. Sports fans in Detroit would point to another reason why their counterparts in Portland could celebrate on Tuesday. Anaheim couldn’t ruin their night.


Orange County did a number on the Motor City last night. Most significantly, the Anaheim Ducks downed the Detroit Red Wings 4-3 to capture the NHL Western Conference finals in six games. Due in large part to the goaltending of Jean-Sebastien Giguere, Hockeytown was no match for Mickeytown. In a bitter twist for the automotive capital of the U.S., its team was eliminated in the Honda Center. The Ducks’ Honda connection does seem appropriate, since they’re getting more mileage than their competition from Detroit.


Now instead of the Red Wings capturing their 11th Stanley Cup title, either Anaheim or the Ottawa Senators will win their first. The Ducks began their run to the finals with a 4-1 opening round win over Minnesota. Therefore, their mascot Wild Wing contains the nicknames of two of their playoff victims. The then-Mighty Ducks also eliminated the Wild and the Wings on their way to the 2003 Stanley Cup finals, which they lost to New Jersey in seven games. Disney has since sold the team, but “It’s a small world” will accurately describe the U.S. television ratings for these finals.


Also last night, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim held off the Detroit Tigers 6-3. In a potential playoff preview, the Angels increased their AL West lead to 5 ½ games, while the Tigers remained ½ game behind Cleveland in the Central. Orlando Cabrera had a home run and three RBI, and his leaping catch snuffed out a ninth-inning rally for Jim Leyland’s club. Cabrera’s hang time was much better suited to Comerica Park than the Palace of Auburn Hills. In the NBA, you don’t see Orlando winning in Detroit.


The series continues with games tonight and tomorrow afternoon at Comerica. If the Angels continue the Anaheim-over-Detroit trend, the Cleveland Cavaliers will surely adjust accordingly for Thursday’s game 2 against the Pistons at the Palace. The visitors would likely take the court as the Anaheim Cavaliers. Also, in addition to getting to the foul line, LeBron James would need to make another adjustment to enhance his team’s chances for victory. You could expect him to replace his headband with a pair of mouse ears.


Obviously, Tuesday did not feature any Detroit-Anaheim matchups on the gridiron. The NFL season does not kick off for another 3 ½ months. Plus, Anaheim has been out of the league since the Rams bolted for St. Louis in 1995. Detroit has also been without an NFL franchise since the Lions hired Matt Millen.


Perhaps the Tigers will rebound tonight against 5-0 Bartolo Colon. Even if that happens, do not expect the Detroit fans to warm up to Anaheim anytime soon. Last night, Motown fans had a new nickname in mind for the home of Disneyland. To them, Anaheim was the crappiest place on Earth.

NHL's First Round Losers & Their Political Counterparts

Wednesday night brings the start of the second round in the NHL playoffs. Eight teams still have dreams of hoisting the Stanley Cup in June. However, their first round victims face the bitter reality of an early off-season. For each of these teams, their first round disappointments mirrored the setbacks of notable United States politicians. In order of seeding, here are the first round casualties and their U.S. political counterparts.


EASTERN CONFERENCE:

3. Atlanta Thrashers: Jimmy Carter. Both the team and the president hail from Georgia. Carter was bounced from the White House after four years, and Atlanta’s playoff run was also over in four. Time will tell if the Thrashers rebound to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

5. Pittsburgh Penguins: Alberto Gonzales. Like the beleaguered attorney general, the Penguins had no answers for the Senators.

7. Tampa Bay Lightning: Al Gore. Tampa Bay and Gore were ultimately undone by a loss in Florida. This time, Martin Brodeur played the part of the Supreme Court. The Lightning will spend the off-season lecturing about the dangers of melting ice rinks.

8. New York Islanders: William McKinley. Like Theodore Roosevelt’s predecessor, the Islanders met their demise in Buffalo. You weren’t expecting such an old school reference, were you?

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

4. Nashville Predators: Carl Weathers. Of the three main stars of Predator (along with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse “The Body” Ventura), he’s the only one who hasn’t been elected governor. What more does Apollo Creed have to do to impress voters? The man died for his country in Rocky IV.

6. Dallas Stars: Lyndon Johnson / George W. Bush. The Stars dropped Game 7 to the Canucks in Vancouver. But they’re not the only Texans with losing efforts in foreign countries.

7. Minnesota Wild: Walter Mondale. Like the Wild versus the Ducks, Mondale hailed from Minnesota and flopped against a favorite from California.

8. Calgary Flames: John Kerry. In 2004, Kerry was damaged by right wing veterans. This year, Calgary was undone by Red Wing veterans.

Jesus & The NHL

This Sunday is Easter, when Christians worldwide celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It’s also the final day of the regular season in the National Hockey League. Long before Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier, Jesus was considered The Great One AND The Messiah. The “turn the other cheek” policy might not be popular on the ice, but many other parallels to Jesus can be found in the NHL. Here are a few.


Jesus: Walked on water
NHL: Players skate on frozen water

Jesus: Originated in a manger
NHL: Original Six included the Rangers

Jesus: Forgave sinners
NHL: Forgives sinners – after time in the penalty box

Jesus: Worshippers drink the Lord’s blood from a cup
NHL: Features blood and worship of Lord Stanley’s Cup

Jesus: Spread love to all
NHL: Players shed gloves to brawl

Jesus: Saved souls from the devil
NHL: Martin Brodeur saves the Devils from goals

Jesus: Resurrected after dying on the cross
NHL: Pittsburgh was resurrected by Crosby

Jesus: Joined his father in immortality
NHL: Upon entering the Hall of Fame, Brett Hull will join his father in immortality

Jesus: Was called King of the Jews
NHL: Michael Cammalleri is a King and is Jewish

Jesus: Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
NHL: Vancouver’s roster includes Matt, Marc, Luc, and Jan

Jesus: Received death sentence from Pontius Pilate
NHL: Islanders receive depth from Pensacola Ice Pilots

Jesus: Christians praise his miracles
NHL: Dave Christian was part of the Miracle On Ice

Jesus: Savior who was denied three times by Simon Peter
NHL: Sabres denied Philly’s Simon Gagne and Peter Forsberg last year

Jesus: Spent many years as a carpenter
NHL: For many years, had Bobby Carpenter

Jesus: Inspired numerous martyred saints
NHL: Tampa Bay is inspired by Martin St. Louis

Jesus: Died at Calvary
NHL: Atlanta Flames died and moved to Calgary

Jesus: Birth was celebrated by three wise men
NHL: Detroit enjoyed three celebrations with Stevie Y’s men

Jesus: Presided over the Last Supper
NHL: Until the next generation arrives, Ron was the last Sutter

Jesus: Protected by Mary and Joseph
NHL: Phoenix net is protected by Curtis Joseph

Jesus: Followers believe he exists, even though they don’t see him
NHL: Americans believe it exists, even though they don’t see it

The Anaheim Ducks: A Mighty Paradox

For the first 13 years of its mostly forgettable existence, Orange County’s National Hockey League franchise was known as the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. In June, the team formally simplified its name to the Anaheim Ducks. So far this season, the Ducks have dominated the NHL, with just three regulation losses in their first 34 games. The development has brought up an interesting paradox. Once they stopped being called Mighty, the Ducks actually became mighty.


The Ducks continued their stellar play Wednesday night with a 2-1 road victory over the Atlanta Thrashers. Star forward Teemu Seelane scored both goals, and goaltender Jean-Sebastien Giguere won his ninth straight start. Anaheim’s 12-1-2 away record is the best after 15 games in NHL history. The 1951-52 Detroit Red Wings had set the previous mark – after changing their name from the Potent Red Wings.


This excellence was rarely seen when the team was known as the Mighty Ducks. The franchise only made the post-season 4 times in 13 seasons with that name, highlighted by a 2003 run to the Stanley Cup finals led by Giguere. The nickname was so misleading, the Anaheim broadcasters reportedly used quote signs whenever saying the word “Mighty.” The name, of course, came from a 1992 movie from Disney, which owned the team until 2005. No professional sports franchise has ever been successful when named after an Emilio Estevez film. The NBA still has nightmares over the disastrous Cincinnati Breakfast Clubs.


With Disney no longer in the picture, management determined that the “Mighty” part of the name was no longer necessary. Like the University of Oregon, Anaheim was happy to just be the Ducks. The revision also helped the team’s public image. Not only did “Mighty Ducks” bring snickers from sports fans, but it was also a reminder of the AFLAC duck’s notorious steroids scandal.


Good things happened almost immediately after the name change, as star defenseman Chris Pronger was acquired from the Edmonton Oilers less than two weeks later. The spirit of change also extended to the team’s home arena, as the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim was renamed the Honda Center. Surprisingly, the switch had nothing to do with corporate sponsors. It was made because most actual ducks like to drive Civics.


After observing Anaheim’s great play on the ice, others are considering dropping “Mighty” from their names. Producers of one 1998 box office disappointment feel that they can earn big bucks by re-releasing it as simply Joe Young. Also, Mira Sorvino is confident that changing Mighty Aphrodite to just Aphrodite could elevate her Oscar-winning performance from Best Supporting Actress to Best Actress. The rights to any lost “Mighty” names will reportedly be assumed by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, who plan to reunite as the Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Bosstones.


The Ducks look to continue their hot streak this Saturday against the Sharks in San Jose. By demonstrating their mightiness after dropping “Mighty” from their name, the Ducks have shown that actions speak louder than words. Or if you prefer, slapshots speak louder than quacks.

Prime Minister Harper Pledges To Bring Future Game Sevens To Canada

Monday night the Carolina Hurricanes defeated the Edmonton Oilers 3-1 in Game 7 to capture the Stanley Cup. With the Oilers’ defeat, Canadian teams still have not won the Cup since the Montreal Canadiens did so in 1993. Like millions of his fellow countrymen, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is tired of seeing victory celebrations south of the border. Seeing what a difference the home ice advantage can make, Harper has vowed to reverse the drought by bringing future game sevens to Canada.


This year marked the third time since 1993 that a Canadian team dropped game 7 in the finals. On each occasion, the decisive contest took place in the United States. The New York Rangers topped the Vancouver Canucks in 1994, and the Tampa Bay Lightning bested the Calgary Flames in 2004. In each case, the home team was the one with the better record during the season. However, Harper feels that for a city to host a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals, at least five percent of its citizens should have some idea of what icing is.


Harper took office in February after his Conservative Party came to power in the House of Commons. The Conservatives’ campaign strategy was primarily based on blaming the ruling Liberal Party for failing to keep the Stanley Cup in Canada. Conservatives pointed out that when the Liberals and new Prime Minister Jean Chretien gained control in November 1993, Montreal was the reigning champion. Canadian teams had won eight of the previous ten Stanley Cup titles. However, Chretien was ineffectual in countering President Clinton’s aggressive strategy to return the Cup to the United States. Reportedly, the president was furious that consecutive World Series had been won by Toronto and vowed vengeance on his northern neighbors. Later asked if he were responsible for the Quebec Nordiques’ move to Colorado, Clinton responded, “That depends on what your definition of ‘move’ is.”


Prime Minister Harper, a Calgary Flames fan, vows to take stronger action on the issue. He is particularly rankled that in each of the past two finals, a team from the southeastern United States has triumphed over one from Alberta. “Look at the Carolina Hurricanes’ roster,” he bristled. “Canadians all over the place, and not one guy from the Carolinas! So why should Raleigh get game 7?” He further complained that not only do North Carolinians mispronounce “Roy,” but they believe it is the first name of a college basketball coach, rather than the last name of a legendary goaltender.


Harper has appealed to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to change the home ice rules in favor of Canadian franchises. Under the prime minister’s proposal, no U.S. team could host game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals against a Canadian opponent. Bettman is not very popular in Canada, but the prime minister knows that he must work with the commissioner to achieve his objectives. Harper promises not to call Bettman “Keyser Soze,” despite his resemblance to Kevin Spacey. The prime minister may even offer the commissioner a cabinet position, although Bettman is not a Canadian citizen. Insiders believe that Bettman would be an excellent choice as the Minister of Penalty Boxes.


The Canadian leader may have some surprising support from his U.S. counterpart. Reports have surfaced that President Bush wanted Edmonton to defeat Carolina. White House officials denied these claims, noting the president’s unwavering patriotism. However, the reports are widely believed to be true, since Bush has proven to be far more responsive to Oilers than to Hurricanes.


It remains to be seen whether Prime Minister Harper will be able to bring game sevens to Canada. If he is successful, he will be a national hero. Canadian hockey fans love a guy who converts on a power play.

NHL Denies San Jose, Anaheim Requests To Relinquish Home Ice Advantage

Tonight begins the conference semifinal round in the NHL playoffs. Coming off a grueling 7-game series with Calgary, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks will take on the Colorado Avalanche. However, Anaheim and the San Jose Sharks have already been dealt a major defeat by the league office. The NHL has denied both teams’ requests to relinquish their home ice advantage.


The Ducks and Sharks filed their requests based on the results of the first round of playoffs. All western conference teams with home ice advantage lost in the opening round. Even the Detroit Red Wings, after the league’s best regular season, were sent packing by the Edmonton Oilers. Detroit sports fans are absolutely stunned. Not that the Wings were eliminated, but that the Tigers are suddenly good.


The scene is far different back east, where the top four seeds all advanced into the second round. Therefore, the road ice advantage may carry a western team to the finals, but it likely won’t bring the Stanley Cup. However, the Sharks and Ducks are already dreaming of Ottawa and New Jersey – anything to distract them from the unpleasantness of opening a series at home.


Anaheim and San Jose felt that by being the higher seeds, they should have the option of whether to accept the home ice advantage or not. Anaheim began every series on the road in 2003, yet it advanced to the Stanley Cup finals. As the sixth seed, the Mighty Ducks assumed that they would do the same this season, but the Avalanche and Oilers were one step ahead of them. The Sharks planned to take things even further, hoping to play their “home” games in Boston. However, commissioner Gary Bettman has ruled that both western series will open as scheduled in California.


With the appeal denied, Anaheim must try to stop a hot Colorado team tonight at the Arrowhead Pond. Unlike the Mighty Ducks, the Avalanche will be rested after eliminating the Dallas Stars in five games. Therefore, Anaheim is particularly vulnerable if the action goes to overtime. What remains to be seen is how both teams would respond to tonight’s overtime wrinkle, if it arises. According to an NHL rule honoring Cinco de Mayo, any game tied after regulation on May 5 will be decided by a margarita-chugging contest.


The Sharks are in a similar position, contending with an Edmonton team that knows it can take down anyone. San Jose does have the NHL points leader in Joe Thornton and the league’s top goal scorer in Jonathan Cheechoo (Gesundheit!). However, fans fear that having home ice will cause their team to perform like another Shark in the clutch. San Jose could turn into Greg Norman, shanking their shots while the Oilers morph into Nick Faldo.


In The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy uttered the famous line, “There’s no place like home.” This ignorance about hockey is why Kansas does not have an NHL franchise.

Detroit Hopes To Overcome NBA, NHL Collusion In Dual Title Quest

The NBA concluded its regular season on Wednesday – one night after the NHL had done likewise. The Motor City reigned supreme in both leagues, with the Red Wings capturing the Presidents’ Trophy and the Pistons finishing with an NBA-best 64-18 record. Detroit residents are eagerly anticipating two championship parades in June. However, a huge obstacle stands in the way: a long-standing agreement between the NBA and NHL that no city can win both titles in the same year.


Largely unknown to the public, the agreement dates back to 1946. Maurice Podoloff was named president of the newly-formed Basketball Association of America – rechristened the National Basketball Association three years later. Also in 1946, Clarence Campbell started a 31-year reign as the NHL president. Both men noticed how World War II victory celebrations had lifted the spirits of numerous cities the previous year. Interested in spreading the wealth, they agreed that victory parades should not be limited to one location each spring. With the chilling memory of Adolf Hitler still fresh, Podoloff and Campbell were fearful of having too much power concentrated in one place.


The gentlemen’s agreement between the two presidents has been honored by their successors. To this day, no city has won the Stanley Cup and NBA championship in the same year. The most recent close call came in 2003, when the New Jersey Devils captured the Stanley Cup. However, the Nets inevitably fell to San Antonio in the NBA finals. The Spurs’ victory prevented a preposterous phrase from entering the sports lexicon: “East Rutherford: City of Champions.”


The Montreal Canadiens have been a huge factor in maintaining order. The team has been by far the most successful NHL franchise since the agreement went into effect, capturing 18 Stanley Cup titles in that time. With no NBA franchise in Montreal, the Canadiens often made the threat of dual championships a non-issue. On the other hand, Boston has been home to a record 16 NBA champions and does have a longtime NHL member. However, in the midst of the Celtics dynasty, the NHL did not allow the Bruins to advance to the finals during the 1960s. After Bill Russell retired in 1969, a drop was inevitable for the Celtics. As a result, the NHL loosened its restrictions on the Bruins, who won the Stanley Cup the following season. As Bobby Orr skated around with the Cup, he surely wanted to pass it to Russell in gratitude.


The most severe threat to the agreement came in 1994, when the New York Rangers won their first Stanley Cup title in 54 years. The Knicks also advanced to the finals, even taking a 3-2 lead over the Houston Rockets. Under normal conditions, the NBA would not have allowed New York to get so close to the title. However, like millions of Americans, league officials had been captivated by the O.J. Simpson Ford Bronco chase and forgot that the finals were taking place. They regained their bearings during game 6, arranging for the potential John Starks game-winner to be blocked by Hakeem Olajuwon. Prior to game 7, a group of men reportedly visited Starks’s hotel room and told him, “If Houston doesn’t get a victory parade, David Stern will make your life REALLY unpleasant.” Starks went on to shoot 2-for-18 in a 90-84 Rockets victory.


As this year’s playoffs begin, the Pistons and Red Wings remain defiant in their quests for championships. Both teams have recent championship experience and must be considered the favorites this spring. While not as flashy as Kobe Bryant or LeBron James, Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton have had sterling seasons for the Pistons. The Motor City hoopsters are also emboldened by the old adage, “The team with the most Wallaces wins.”


Similarly, no one on the Red Wings gets the same headlines as Alexander Ovechkin or Sidney Crosby. However, defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom will likely collect his fourth Norris Trophy, and other veteran stars like Brendan Shanahan have meshed well with young stalwarts such as Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk. Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick feels that this combination will trump any 60-year-old agreement. “These players are focused on a title – not something from 1946,” commented the mayor. “None of these guys were playing back then. Well, except for Chelios. And maybe Yzerman.”


Earlier in 2006, the Pittsburgh Steelers won a title in Detroit. Even though history is against them, the Pistons and Red Wings plan to do the same. They’re even looking to the Steelers for an extra edge. As a good luck charm, both teams will add native son Jerome Bettis to the playoff roster.

U.S. Men's Hockey Hopes Are Finnished

The Torino Games are the fourth in which American hockey star Chris Chelios has represented his country.  The grueling schedule is a challenge even for young legs, much less a 44-year-old defenseman.  Having his best interests in mind, Finland’s national team figured that the future Hall of Famer could use a few extra days off before his next game with the Detroit Red Wings.  Thanks to the Finns’ 4-3 quarterfinal victory, Chelios and his U.S. mates will have plenty of rest before resuming the NHL schedule.

 

 

The defeat capped a miserable performance in Italy for the Americans, four years after capturing the silver medal in Salt Lake City.  The U.S. team wound up 1-4-1, with all four losses decided by one goal.   The “close, but no cigar” results even spread to the American fans in attendance.  Attempting the “U-S-A” cheer, supporters consistently stumbled on the last letter.  On the bright side, due to a 4-1 victory in the qualifying round, the U.S. team simply owns Kazakhstan.

 

 

On the other hand, the victory continued a dominant run for the Finns, who are seeking the first ice hockey gold medal in the nation’s history.  Led by Anaheim star Teemu Seelane, Finland is now 6-0 in these Olympics.  Before today’s contest, the team had outscored its opponents 19-2.  In their quest for perfection, these Finns may emulate an unblemished group of Phins – the 1972 Miami Dolphins.  Reportedly, a Finland defeat would lead former Miami linebacker Nick Buoniconti to break out the champagne.

 

 

Finland does enjoy a proud Olympic history, having hosted the Summer Games in Helsinki in 1952.  The nation was particularly successful in Olympic competition during the 1920s.  Distance runner Paavo Nurmi captured nine gold medals – equal to the number won by Mark Spitz and Carl Lewis many decades later.  Meanwhile, speed skater Clas Thunberg was dominant on his way to five gold medals.  His success made a huge gamble pay off for Nike, which spent millions on its ubiquitous “joinclas.com” advertisements.

 

 

The United States and Finland also share a significant connection in Olympic ice hockey history.  After shocking the Soviet Union in 1980, the U.S. still had to defeat the Finns to claim the gold medal.  Future Hall of Famer Jari Kurri and his Finnish mates led after two periods, but the Americans rallied for a 4-2 victory to complete the Miracle on Ice.  Unfortunately for this year’s U.S. team, no such magic was forthcoming.  As one player put it, “We just couldn’t get our Eruzione on.”

 

 

Geography may be the key for the U.S. men’s hockey team.  Its last gold medal was achieved in the magical run of 1980.  Those Olympics were held in Lake Placid, New York.  The only medal of any kind since then was the silver from the 2002 Salt Lake City games.  Therefore, it is crucial for the Americans’ chances to play in a U.S. city with “Lake” in its title.  Vancouver, the 2010 Winter Games host, is close enough to the U.S. that American hockey players could be fooled into thinking that it is part of the States.  The United States Olympic Committee could further the psychological ploy by referring to the host city as Lake Vancouver.

 

 

In reality, of course, the next host country is Canada, which suffered its own hockey disappointment today.  Its hopes to repeat as the gold medalist were dashed 2-0 by Russia.  As a result, there will still be a semifinal matchup between bordering nations.  Chances are, Russia vs. Finland isn’t the one that NBC wanted.

Anaheim Faces Reality, Removes "Mighty" From Nickname

The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim have announced that the NHL team will officially alter its name to the Anaheim Ducks.  Ownership indicated that the change will be in effect for the start of next season.  The move was inevitable for a franchise that has seldom been mighty.

 

 

The franchise began play in 1993 under the ownership of the Walt Disney Company.  The Mighty Ducks nickname was taken from the 1992 Disney movie starring Emilio Estevez.  Then-Disney chairman Michael Eisner chose the name after deciding against the Pinocchios and the Cinderellas.  The nickname was considered by many critics to be the worst example of corporate synergy in sports history.  News Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch nearly took this honor several years later before deciding not to rename the Dodgers the Los Angeles American Idols.

 

 

Since its inception, the team has rarely lived up to the “Mighty” label.  The Ducks have only reached the postseason three times in that span and would miss this year’s playoffs if the season ended today.  Particularly hurting the club is its 2-10 record in overtime games this year.  The Ducks appear to be more resistant to overtime than Homer Simpson at the Springfield Power Plant.

 

 

The exception to this sub-par play came during the spring of 2003, when the Mighty Ducks made an inspired run to the Stanley Cup finals.  Anaheim even swept the Detroit Red Wings, who have legitimately been mighty over the past decade.  Goaltender Jean-Sebastien Giguere was brilliant throughout the postseason, leading the Ducks to the brink of a title before falling to the New Jersey Devils in Game 7.  “Jiggy” received the Conn Smythe Trophy as the playoff MVP, part of a trend of French-Canadians winning major individual sports trophies in 2003.  Dodgers closer Eric Gagne won the Cy Young Award, while the Heisman Trophy went to Oklahoma quarterback Jason Blanc, known to American fans as Jason White.

 

 

The Ducks’ mightiness was short-lived, however, as the team missed the playoffs in 2004.  Meanwhile, Disney was looking for a buyer.  Rumors that Donald Trump would purchase the franchise and rename it the Anaheim Donald Ducks proved unfounded.  Ultimately, Broadcom co-founder Henry Samueli and his wife Susan bought the team in 2005.  With the team’s connection to the film studio gone, a change from the Mighty Ducks was considered likely.

 

 

The organization conducted research with season ticket holders and evaluated various options.  Considering the team’s lackluster history, the Anaheim Sitting Ducks was a possibility.  Ownership opted for simplicity, settling on the Ducks.  Samueli refused to follow the lead of his baseball neighbors and go with the Los Angeles Ducks of Anaheim.

 

 

Now the team will have the same nickname as the University of Oregon.  However, it might be wise for Oregon to pick up the “Mighty” label dropped by Anaheim.  The football program fumed after missing out on the BCS despite a 10-1 regular season.  Being described as mighty could help the school gain more national respect in comparison with Ohio State and Notre Dame.  Alternatively, the program could call itself the USC Ducks of Eugene.

 

 

Barring a rally to the NHL playoffs, Anaheim’s last game as the Mighty Ducks will be versus the Calgary Flames on April 17.  Despite the significance of the occasion, do not expect the players to shed any tears.  Just a few teeth.

NHL Outlaws Old Guys

Mark Messier is unquestionably one of the greatest winners in National Hockey League history.  Five of his Edmonton Oiler teams skated away with the Stanley Cup.  He also earned a place in New York sports lore by leading the Rangers to a memorable title in 1994.  But this week Messier succumbed to an opponent he just couldn’t defeat: the NHL’s campaign to get rid of old guys.

 

Messier is 44 years old and just one of several 40–something stars who have retired in recent weeks.  Other notable players who have called it quits include 42–year-olds Ron Francis and Al MacInnis, as well as Scott Stevens, 41.  All future Hall of Famers, they seemingly ended their careers voluntarily.  In reality, they were forced out by the NHL’s zero tolerance policy toward players over 40.

 

The campaign was instituted by league officials to address marketing concerns after last season’s strike.  Having faded in popularity within the American sports landscape, the NHL decided to re-position itself to our youth-obsessed culture.  The league endlessly trumpeted Sidney Crosby, the #1 draft pick by the Pittsburgh Penguins, simply because he’s 17.  The fixation on youth has gone so far that the front line for the Anaheim Mighty Ducks includes two characters from “The OC.”

 

However, this policy may backfire for the NHL, having already caused one major embarassment.  The 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team provided some of the most magical moments in American sports history.  Yet not one member of that group is currently playing in the National Hockey League.  Clearly they face an enemy more powerful than the Soviets.  Do you believe in ageism – yes!

 

Some players remain defiant of the order.  Stalwarts such as Steve Yzerman, Chris Chelios, and Brett Hull are at least 40 and still active.  Hull obstinately looks forward to playing under new coach Wayne Gretzky for the Phoenix Coyotes.  But don’t expect the league office to yield.  Reached for comment about these holdouts, commissioner Gary Bettman remarked, “We have a team in Phoenix?”

 

It should be noted that Mario Lemieux turns 40 on October 5.  To overcome NHL officials and take his place on the ice, he’ll truly have to be Super Mario.