U.S. Men's Hockey Hopes Are Finnished

The Torino Games are the fourth in which American hockey star Chris Chelios has represented his country.  The grueling schedule is a challenge even for young legs, much less a 44-year-old defenseman.  Having his best interests in mind, Finland’s national team figured that the future Hall of Famer could use a few extra days off before his next game with the Detroit Red Wings.  Thanks to the Finns’ 4-3 quarterfinal victory, Chelios and his U.S. mates will have plenty of rest before resuming the NHL schedule.

 

 

The defeat capped a miserable performance in Italy for the Americans, four years after capturing the silver medal in Salt Lake City.  The U.S. team wound up 1-4-1, with all four losses decided by one goal.   The “close, but no cigar” results even spread to the American fans in attendance.  Attempting the “U-S-A” cheer, supporters consistently stumbled on the last letter.  On the bright side, due to a 4-1 victory in the qualifying round, the U.S. team simply owns Kazakhstan.

 

 

On the other hand, the victory continued a dominant run for the Finns, who are seeking the first ice hockey gold medal in the nation’s history.  Led by Anaheim star Teemu Seelane, Finland is now 6-0 in these Olympics.  Before today’s contest, the team had outscored its opponents 19-2.  In their quest for perfection, these Finns may emulate an unblemished group of Phins – the 1972 Miami Dolphins.  Reportedly, a Finland defeat would lead former Miami linebacker Nick Buoniconti to break out the champagne.

 

 

Finland does enjoy a proud Olympic history, having hosted the Summer Games in Helsinki in 1952.  The nation was particularly successful in Olympic competition during the 1920s.  Distance runner Paavo Nurmi captured nine gold medals – equal to the number won by Mark Spitz and Carl Lewis many decades later.  Meanwhile, speed skater Clas Thunberg was dominant on his way to five gold medals.  His success made a huge gamble pay off for Nike, which spent millions on its ubiquitous “joinclas.com” advertisements.

 

 

The United States and Finland also share a significant connection in Olympic ice hockey history.  After shocking the Soviet Union in 1980, the U.S. still had to defeat the Finns to claim the gold medal.  Future Hall of Famer Jari Kurri and his Finnish mates led after two periods, but the Americans rallied for a 4-2 victory to complete the Miracle on Ice.  Unfortunately for this year’s U.S. team, no such magic was forthcoming.  As one player put it, “We just couldn’t get our Eruzione on.”

 

 

Geography may be the key for the U.S. men’s hockey team.  Its last gold medal was achieved in the magical run of 1980.  Those Olympics were held in Lake Placid, New York.  The only medal of any kind since then was the silver from the 2002 Salt Lake City games.  Therefore, it is crucial for the Americans’ chances to play in a U.S. city with “Lake” in its title.  Vancouver, the 2010 Winter Games host, is close enough to the U.S. that American hockey players could be fooled into thinking that it is part of the States.  The United States Olympic Committee could further the psychological ploy by referring to the host city as Lake Vancouver.

 

 

In reality, of course, the next host country is Canada, which suffered its own hockey disappointment today.  Its hopes to repeat as the gold medalist were dashed 2-0 by Russia.  As a result, there will still be a semifinal matchup between bordering nations.  Chances are, Russia vs. Finland isn’t the one that NBC wanted.

An Ill-Informed Guide To Winter Olympic Events

Today the Winter Olympic Games begin in Italy.  Like many sports fans, I have to confess I don’t follow most of these events on an ongoing basis.  And since I have lots of laundry to do today, I haven’t had time to do much research.  So below are my best guesses on the storylines for selected events.

 

 

Biathlon:  The intermediate event for aspiring triathletes, after they have mastered the uniathlon.  The process appears to be stressful, as the competitors keep shooting guns during races.

 

Bobsled:  A drunk guy named Bob hops on a sled and interrupts a race.  After a crash, he goes streaking while humming the Olympic theme.

 

Cross Country Skiing:  A much easier event than in the 2002 Salt Lake City Games.  Italy is a smaller country to cross than the U.S.

 

Curling:  Much like fencing in the Summer Olympics, but competitors use curling irons as their weapons.

 

Downhill:  How the American television ratings will go, in comparison to the U.S.-hosted Games in 2002.

 

Figure Skating:  A letdown for casual viewers since the Tonya and Nancy tabloid-fest in 1994.  As consolation, Michelle Kwan competes in her 16^th consecutive Olympiad.

 

Giant Slalom:  San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds travels to Europe to see the Games.  He maneuvers back and forth to avoid sportswriters’ questions about steroids.

 

Ice Dancing:  A competition to find the world’s greatest Vanilla Ice impersonator.

 

Ice Hockey:  As the architect of Canada’s team, Wayne Gretzky hopes for a repeat gold medal.  However, his wife is betting on Sweden.

 

Luge:  A really cool word to say.  But even the gold medalist will have self-esteem issues, described as a “big-time luger.”

 

Moguls:  Inspired by the Sundance Film Festival.  Hollywood moguls run through the snow to complete movie deals in record time.

 

Nordic Combined:  The inspirational unification of East Nordic and West Nordic, after the infamous Nordic Wall is torn down.

 

Short Track Speedskating:  Why is the track short?  Didn’t they bother to finish it?  And with all these anti-doping efforts, how are athletes allowed to skate on speed?

 

Skeleton:  A macabre activity in which the corpses of past Olympic greats are put on public display.  As expected, Jesse Owens looks better than the dead Germans.

 

Super-G:  A rapper who just won a bunch of Grammys.  He’s expected to be signed to a movie deal during the moguls competition.

 

 

It remains to be seen who will emerge as the star of these Games.  For Americans, something else is unknown: Do we say Turin or Torino?