Today the Winter Olympic Games begin in
Biathlon: The intermediate event for aspiring triathletes, after they have mastered the uniathlon. The process appears to be stressful, as the competitors keep shooting guns during races.
Bobsled: A drunk guy named Bob hops on a sled and interrupts a race. After a crash, he goes streaking while humming the Olympic theme.
Cross Country Skiing: A much easier event than in the 2002 Salt Lake City Games.
Curling: Much like fencing in the Summer Olympics, but competitors use curling irons as their weapons.
Downhill: How the American television ratings will go, in comparison to the U.S.-hosted Games in 2002.
Figure Skating: A letdown for casual viewers since the Tonya and Nancy tabloid-fest in 1994. As consolation, Michelle Kwan competes in her 16th consecutive Olympiad.
Giant Slalom:
Ice Dancing: A competition to find the world’s greatest Vanilla Ice impersonator.
Ice Hockey: As the architect of
Luge: A really cool word to say. But even the gold medalist will have self-esteem issues, described as a “big-time luger.”
Moguls: Inspired by the Sundance Film Festival.
Nordic Combined: The inspirational unification of East Nordic and West Nordic, after the infamous Nordic Wall is torn down.
Short Track Speedskating: Why is the track short? Didn’t they bother to finish it? And with all these anti-doping efforts, how are athletes allowed to skate on speed?
Skeleton: A macabre activity in which the corpses of past Olympic greats are put on public display. As expected, Jesse Owens looks better than the dead Germans.
Super-G: A rapper who just won a bunch of Grammys. He’s expected to be signed to a movie deal during the moguls competition.
It remains to be seen who will emerge as the star of these Games. For Americans, something else is unknown: Do we say
