Bay Area Blues

Much has been made about the amazing run currently enjoyed by Boston sports teams. While the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics have made life great for fans in Beantown, it’s a different story in Northern California. The Golden Gate Bridge may be picturesque, but the sports landscape has been downright hideous in the Bay Area lately. Only the first-place San Jose Sharks have been thriving, and since they play hockey, you’re probably not interested. Otherwise, in just over the past week, here’s an ugly rundown of Bay Area sports.


November 10:

Cal falls 24-17 at home to USC. Before the season, this looked like one of the games of the year. Now College GameDay decides that Williams-Amherst is a better option. Okay, the Pats, Sox, and Celtics I can understand, but is ESPN THAT fixated on Massachusetts now?

Stanford loses 33-17 to lowly Washington State. On the bright side, the 3-7 Cardinal gets two weeks off – a bye, then a visit from Notre Dame.

November 11:

The Raiders fall 17-6 at home to the Bears. Somehow, Oakland allows the phrase “Rex Grossman heroics” to be used.

November 12:

The 49ers get shut out 24-0 by the Seahawks. “49ers” now refers to their total yardage per game.

November 13:

Vinny Testaverde turns 44. Unfortunately for 49er fans, an old guy’s playing quarterback, and it’s not Joe Montana. Not to be confused with Joe Mantegna, who turns 60 on this day. Yeah, it’s a stretch, but Tuesday’s a slow sports day. Cut me some slack!

November 14:

The Warriors lose 111-104 at home to the Pistons, falling to 0-6 on the season. I’m guessing they’re not quite as high on Jessica Alba’s social calendar these days.

November 15:

Giants’ icon Barry Bonds is indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. For once, Barry doesn’t get a free pass.

November 16:

Okay, some good news: Golden State finally gets into the win column, taking down the Clippers 122-105. Sorry Jessica, didn’t mean to imply that you’d jump ship just yet!

November 17:

Cal loses 37-23 at cellar-dwelling Washington. Once on the cusp of #1, the Golden Bears are now 6-5. At least they won’t have to worry about getting screwed by the BCS.

San Jose State falls 27-23 to Louisiana Tech, eliminating the Spartans from bowl consideration. They already should have been ineligible, since they’re crappy enough to be on Hawaii’s schedule.

The Stanford football team is off, and so is the basketball team, in a 79-67 upset by Siena.

November 18:

The 49ers drop their eighth straight in a 13-9 home setback to the Rams. They thereby enhance their draft position - for the Patriots, who own San Francisco’s first-rounder next spring. I’ll pause now, to allow NFL fans outside of New England to puke.

With a 29-22 defeat at Minnesota, the Raiders lose their sixth in a row. Which makes them the hottest NFL team in the Bay Area.

A’s utility whiz Marco Scutaro is traded to Toronto. Maybe he’s not a franchise player, but it’s just fun to say “Marco Scutaro.”

Oakland, Detroit & Cleveland: NFL Draft & NBA Playoffs

After much fanfare, the 2007 NFL draft is in the books. Due to their miserable performances in 2006, the first three selections belonged to Oakland, Detroit, and Cleveland. At least for a weekend, these downtrodden teams were able to enjoy the spotlight and experience a sense of hope.

Sports fans in these cities have also gotten a view from the top during the NBA playoffs. Detroit and Cleveland completed first-round sweeps, while the Golden State Warriors are the talk of the league with their 3-1 series lead over the Dallas Mavericks. Here’s how these thriving hoopsters compare to their struggling football neighbors.


OAKLAND:

Warriors: Coach Don Nelson hopes to beat Dallas, his former team
Raiders: Coach Lane Kiffin hopes he could beat USC, his former team

Warriors: Thriving under the leadership of Baron Davis
Raiders: Sinking under the leadership of Al Davis

Warriors: Beat out Clippers for #8 seed
Raiders: Beaten by blitzers on 3rd and 18

Warriors: Stephen Jackson drills three-pointers and gets in trouble with the law
Raiders: Sebastian Janikowski drills three-pointers and gets in trouble with the law

Warriors: Made a miraculous shot before halftime on Sunday
Raiders: Need a miracle to score before halftime on Sundays

Warriors: Jason Richardson skies high for his dunks
Raiders: In trading Randy Moss, said bye to a punk

Warriors: Have overcome the scoring of Stack and Dirk
Raiders: Quarterbacks get sacked and hit the dirt

DETROIT:

Pistons: Took down Orlando, four games out of four in the first round
Lions: Took wide receivers, four years out of five in the first round

Pistons: Have one fewer Wallace these days
Lions: Have one too many Millens these days

Pistons: Gave no chance to Jameer Nelson
Lions: Had no chance at JaMarcus Russell

Pistons: Fans love Rip Hamilton
Lions: Fans love to rip management

Pistons: Provide reminders of the Bad Boys years
Lions: Provide reminders of many bad years

Pistons: Have five quality players in the starting lineup
Lions: Have five quality players in the starting lineup

Pistons: Motivated by last season’s loss to Miami
Lions: Motivated by last season’s loss to Miami, and almost everyone else on the schedule

CLEVELAND:

Cavaliers: Led to playoffs by coach Mike Brown
Browns: Led to ruin by drafting Couch and Brown

Cavaliers: Achieved franchise’s first four-game sweep
Browns: Would love to achieve a four-yard sweep

Cavaliers: LeBron James steals and finishes drives
Browns: Curse the Steelers and The Drive

Cavaliers: Avoided showdown with Agent Zero
Browns: Put up zero in showdown with the Bengals

Cavaliers: First round victory sent the Wizards fishing
Browns: First rounder Joe Thomas spent draft day fishing

Cavaliers: Kansas product Drew Gooden is a Jayhawk
Browns: Brady Quinn’s brother-in-law is A.J. Hawk

Cavaliers: Zydrunas Ilgauskas scores, boards, and goes over 7 feet
Browns: On the scoreboard, going over 7 is a feat


Tampa Bay, which had the #4 pick in the NFL draft, does not have an NBA team. Still, Tampa ended up with as many NBA playoff victories as any other Florida city.

Raiders Use #1 Pick On Rosie O'Donnell

On Wednesday, Rosie O’Donnell announced that she will not return to The View after her contract expires in June. Today the controversial host’s future plans came into focus. A source close to the Oakland Raiders has confirmed that O’Donnell has agreed to terms to play quarterback for the Raiders. Therefore, Oakland will make Rosie the #1 overall pick in tomorrow’s NFL draft.


The scenario is similar to last year, when the Houston Texans stunned observers by choosing Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and Vince Young with the first selection. The Raiders had been expected to take LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell in the #1 spot. However, they decided to go with someone else who will bring great size to the position. O’Donnell will become the first female talk-show host to play in the NFL since Kelly Ripa returned punts for the New York Jets.


Draft experts were caught off-guard by the announcement. Most expressed skepticism that a 45-year-old woman with no college football experience could succeed in the NFL. Mel Kiper felt that O’Donnell’s selection would make a mockery of Saturday’s proceedings, remarking, “The NFL Draft is no place for someone who sits around and talks all day.” Expressing agreement were Chris Mortensen, Sean Salisbury, John Clayton, Chris Berman, Tom Jackson, Stuart Scott, Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski, Tony Kornheiser, Trey Wingo, Sal Paolantonio, Suzy Kolber, and about 1200 other ESPN commentators on hand for the event.


However, O’Donnell may be able to provide immediate help to the Raiders. Oakland had a woeful offense last year, but Rosie is never reluctant to go on the offensive. Inexperienced quarterbacks often lock onto the primary receiver, but O’Donnell is happy to go after numerous targets. She has held her own with Barbara Walters, so she should have no problem beating out Andrew Walter. Among her draft peers, Rosie has a staunch believer in Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn. After seeing her face appear on the screen, Quinn called O’Donnell “the greatest offensive mind in football.” Later, Quinn sheepishly admitted that he thought Rosie was Charlie Weis.


O’Donnell should fit in well with the Raiders’ history and culture. She caused nightmares with a sex scene in Nip/Tuck, while Oakland has nightmares of the Tuck Rule. She and the team both embrace conspiracy theories, whether they involve 9/11 or the referees. Her experience on A League Of Their Own was also significant, since she’ll follow the same baseball/football path as Bo Jackson. Additionally, the team’s “Just win, baby” mantra has particular meaning for Rosie. Owner Al Davis recently confirmed that the “baby” in that slogan was adopted by a lesbian couple.


O’Donnell can also relate to Davis by having a highly-publicized feud with a power broker based in New York. Pete Rozelle passed away in 1996, but Rosie’s battles with Donald Trump are continuing. When signing her contract with Oakland, Rosie reportedly remarked, “It’s so nice to be in the NFL. Hey, can someone ask Donald how that USFL thing worked out?” Reached for comment, Trump responded, “I’ve said all along she’s a loser. Well, she’s a Raider, so it’s official.”


Since O’Donnell leaves The View in June, she will be able to report to training camp on time. To ease her transition to the NFL, numerous aspects of Raider home games will temporarily be incorporated into the show. The studio audience will be filled with scary Darth Vader and biker types. During that time, the show will be called The View From The Black Hole. Also, like Raider home games, the show will be blacked out in Oakland.


Interestingly, O’Donnell’s frequent View adversary Elisabeth Hasselbeck may provide a gauge for how successful Rosie’s quarterback stint becomes. Oakland is hoping for the production of Matt Hasselbeck, rather than Tim Hasselbeck. It remains to be seen how successful she’ll be, but one former NFL player is particularly excited about Rosie’s signing. Super Bowl XXX MVP Larry Brown has announced plans to come out of retirement. He proclaimed, “If there’s an O’Donnell at quarterback, I’m there!”

New Slogans For the Raiders

Since a blowout loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl XXXVII, the once-mighty Oakland Raiders have fallen to the bottom of the NFL. For many years, owner Al Davis has defined the franchise with proud slogans such as “Commitment to excellence” and “Just win, baby.” However, in light of the team’s current futility, it may be time to replace those slogans. Below are some possibilities to consider.


Commitment to excrement

Just wince, baby

Sick of the A's losing in the playoffs? Not a problem with us!

Sweet 0 and 16

Art Shell? More like Art’s Hell

The Stanford of the NFL

Nothing escapes from the Black Hole - except for victorious opponents

Our quarterback is on his back more than Paris Hilton

Once it was Howie Long – now it’s 4th and long

We would go back to LA, but they want an NFL team

The Spirit of ’76 – the ’76 Buccaneers

Love giveaways? Check out our offense!

We’re owned by Al Davis, but play like Weird Al Yankovic

An errant toss, a fit from Moss, another blowout loss

Helping opposing players win your fantasy league!

We’re number 1 – in next April’s draft!

We don’t have Madden anymore, but we are cursed

If you thought Iraq was a nation in disarray, check out Raider Nation!


In addition to the slogans, the team’s logo should also change. The Raider figure is currently wearing an eye patch. Now he is demanding that his other eye be covered as well.