Tony & Other Parkers

Thursday in Cleveland, the San Antonio Spurs wrapped up their fourth NBA championship since 1999 with an 83-82 victory over the Cavaliers. Tony Parker was not on hand for the first title, but the Frenchman was the driving force this time. Parker became the first Spur other than Tim Duncan to be named Finals MVP. Fox once had a sitcom called Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, but this time another Parker went undefeated as San Antonio completed a four-game sweep. Tony shares similarities with numerous other Parkers as well. Here’s a rundown.


Charlie Parker: Played jazz and was known as “Bird”
Tony Parker: Played the Jazz and won like Bird

Sarah Jessica Parker: Fundamentally linked to Mr. Big
Tony Parker: Linked to the Big Fundamental

Parker Brothers: Set the standard in board games
Tony Parker: As Finals MVP, set the standard in boring games

Trey Parker: South Park co-creator likes to be dirty
Tony Parker: Teammate Bruce Bowen likes to be dirty

Tony Parker: Brought heartbreak to Cleveland Cavs fans
Willie Parker: Brings heartbreak to Cleveland Browns fans

Tony Parker: Won his third title this year
Peter Parker: Won his third box office title this year

Colonel Tom Parker: Couldn’t stop premature death of The King
Tony Parker: Caused premature demise of The King

Bonnie Parker: With Clyde Barrow, was in a gang that shot and robbed
Tony Parker: Is in a gang with Big Shot Rob

Tony Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2003
Smush Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2007

Tony Parker: Piling up points in the paint, he’s at home around wide-bodies
Parker Stevenson: When married to Kirstie Alley, he was at home around a wide-body

Dave Parker: Won a championship on a team led by Pops
Tony Parker: Won three championships on teams led by Pop

Tony Parker: Embraces odd-numbered years
Parker Posey: As a Christopher Guest regular, embraces odd characters

Camilla Parker Bowles: Married a prince in 2005
Tony Parker: Defeated Tayshaun Prince in 2005

Dorothy Parker: Known for her mocking wittiness
Tony Parker: Made a mockery of “We are all witnesses”

Tony Parker: Fiancée plays a smokin’ suburbanite on TV
Mary-Louise Parker: Plays a tokin’ suburbanite on TV

Candace Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland
Tony Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland. Hopefully, Imus won’t comment on the runner-up.

Ray Parker Jr.: Known for asking “Who you gonna call?”
Tony Parker: Plays at the AT&T Center

Jennifer Parker: Marty’s girlfriend in Back To The Future
Tony Parker: Hopes to go back-to-back in the future

Cleveland vs. San Antonio: An NBA Finals Breakdown

Saturday night in Quicken Loans Arena, the Cleveland Cavaliers downed the Detroit Pistons 98-82 in Game 6 to advance to their first-ever NBA Finals. The San Antonio Spurs are next for LeBron James and company, with Game 1 at the AT&T Center on Thursday night. Here’s a detailed breakdown of the two finalists.


First Round Victims: The Cavs swept the depleted Washington Wizards, while the Spurs beat the Nuggets in five. Cleveland sports fans can only wish for a playoff victory over a team from Denver. Advantage: San Antonio

Top Tourist Attractions: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame honors the best of all time, but the Alamo pays homage to an outmanned group who got slaughtered on their home court. Advantage: Cleveland

Matt Bonner: The Spurs reserve played college ball at Florida, so he has to feel confident facing an Ohio team in the finals. Advantage: San Antonio

Famous Game 5 Heartbreakers: No offense to Derek Fisher, but if you’re going to have your heart ripped out at the buzzer, it might as well be by Michael Jordan. Advantage: Cleveland

Reading High School: Donyell Marshall is the first player from my high school to appear in the NBA Finals. So why not give some dap to the Red Knights? Advantage: Cleveland

Zoos: The San Antonio Zoo has one of the world’s largest bird collections, while the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo has the largest collection of primates of any zoo in the United States. Larry Bird won three NBA titles, but the Phoenix Gorilla has none. Advantage: San Antonio

Super Bowl: This year’s champ was a Midwestern team led by a guy who does tons of commercials. Advantage: Cleveland

1995 & 1996 ACC Tournaments: Wake Forest defeated Virginia both years. So in the postseason, Tim Duncan is 2-0 vs. the Cavaliers. Advantage: San Antonio

Scrabble: Unless the Spurs get seriously lucky with triple-word squares, they can’t compete with Anderson Varejao, Aleksandar Pavlovic, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Advantage: Cleveland

WNBA: The San Antonio Silver Stars have had a losing history, but the Cleveland Rockers folded. In Bruce Pearl fashion, Gregg Popovich sometimes shows up to Silver Stars games in body paint. Advantage: San Antonio

College Hoops: Texas-San Antonio went 7-22 this season, so Cleveland State’s 10-21 campaign totally put them to shame. Advantage: Cleveland

Coach Brown: The Spurs are ready for the Cavs’ Mike Brown, since they defeated a coach Brown in their last finals appearance. Coincidentally, Larry Brown accepted a new job and resigned from it while I was typing that sentence. Advantage: San Antonio

Sub-Freezing Temperatures: Cleveland’s Eric Snow provides defense and veteran leadership. But San Antonio had a Hall of Fame Iceman. Advantage: San Antonio

Signature 2007 Playoff Moments: What was more thrilling? LeBron’s unbelievable game 5 against Detroit, or Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw leaving the bench area? Advantage: Cleveland

Witness: The word on the shirts of many Cavaliers fans. It’s nice to honor a 1985 Best Picture nominee, but Witness lost the Oscar to Out of Africa. Advantage: San Antonio


Tallying up the results, it’s San Antonio 8, Cleveland 7. Looks like a fourth title in nine years for the Spurs.

Oakland, Detroit & Cleveland: NFL Draft & NBA Playoffs

After much fanfare, the 2007 NFL draft is in the books. Due to their miserable performances in 2006, the first three selections belonged to Oakland, Detroit, and Cleveland. At least for a weekend, these downtrodden teams were able to enjoy the spotlight and experience a sense of hope.

Sports fans in these cities have also gotten a view from the top during the NBA playoffs. Detroit and Cleveland completed first-round sweeps, while the Golden State Warriors are the talk of the league with their 3-1 series lead over the Dallas Mavericks. Here’s how these thriving hoopsters compare to their struggling football neighbors.


OAKLAND:

Warriors: Coach Don Nelson hopes to beat Dallas, his former team
Raiders: Coach Lane Kiffin hopes he could beat USC, his former team

Warriors: Thriving under the leadership of Baron Davis
Raiders: Sinking under the leadership of Al Davis

Warriors: Beat out Clippers for #8 seed
Raiders: Beaten by blitzers on 3rd and 18

Warriors: Stephen Jackson drills three-pointers and gets in trouble with the law
Raiders: Sebastian Janikowski drills three-pointers and gets in trouble with the law

Warriors: Made a miraculous shot before halftime on Sunday
Raiders: Need a miracle to score before halftime on Sundays

Warriors: Jason Richardson skies high for his dunks
Raiders: In trading Randy Moss, said bye to a punk

Warriors: Have overcome the scoring of Stack and Dirk
Raiders: Quarterbacks get sacked and hit the dirt

DETROIT:

Pistons: Took down Orlando, four games out of four in the first round
Lions: Took wide receivers, four years out of five in the first round

Pistons: Have one fewer Wallace these days
Lions: Have one too many Millens these days

Pistons: Gave no chance to Jameer Nelson
Lions: Had no chance at JaMarcus Russell

Pistons: Fans love Rip Hamilton
Lions: Fans love to rip management

Pistons: Provide reminders of the Bad Boys years
Lions: Provide reminders of many bad years

Pistons: Have five quality players in the starting lineup
Lions: Have five quality players in the starting lineup

Pistons: Motivated by last season’s loss to Miami
Lions: Motivated by last season’s loss to Miami, and almost everyone else on the schedule

CLEVELAND:

Cavaliers: Led to playoffs by coach Mike Brown
Browns: Led to ruin by drafting Couch and Brown

Cavaliers: Achieved franchise’s first four-game sweep
Browns: Would love to achieve a four-yard sweep

Cavaliers: LeBron James steals and finishes drives
Browns: Curse the Steelers and The Drive

Cavaliers: Avoided showdown with Agent Zero
Browns: Put up zero in showdown with the Bengals

Cavaliers: First round victory sent the Wizards fishing
Browns: First rounder Joe Thomas spent draft day fishing

Cavaliers: Kansas product Drew Gooden is a Jayhawk
Browns: Brady Quinn’s brother-in-law is A.J. Hawk

Cavaliers: Zydrunas Ilgauskas scores, boards, and goes over 7 feet
Browns: On the scoreboard, going over 7 is a feat


Tampa Bay, which had the #4 pick in the NFL draft, does not have an NBA team. Still, Tampa ended up with as many NBA playoff victories as any other Florida city.

Why The Pistons Beat The Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers shocked most basketball fans by taking a 3-2 lead in their second-round series with the Detroit Pistons. The top-seeded Pistons eventually restored order, winning a tight game 6 and steamrolling the Cavaliers by a 79-61 score in game 7. LeBron James will eventually bring the Larry O’Brien Trophy to the title-starved city of Cleveland, but that moment of glory will have to wait. The following reasons show why the Pistons advanced to the eastern conference finals against Miami.


Matt Millen has nothing to do with the Pistons. Or any other Detroit team that’s doing well.

Edmonton does not have an NBA franchise. The Pistons sought to avenge the city’s honor after the Oilers eliminated the Red Wings from the NHL playoffs. With no opponent from Edmonton available, Cleveland had to feel the wrath.

The ABC Sitcom Factor. Taking place in Cleveland, The Drew Carey Show was a hit series. However, Home Improvement, set in the Detroit area, was even more popular. Emulating Tim Allen, Pistons head coach Flip Saunders receives coaching advice from a partially unseen neighbor.

Detroit has a Big Ben. In February, the team with the Big Ben (Roethlisberger) won a postseason showdown in Detroit. Today Ben Wallace and the Pistons followed suit, thankful that the Cavaliers did not have a Bus.

They weren’t playing Scrabble. Even before considering bonuses such as Double Word Scores, Zydrunas Ilgauskas would be worth 35 points in Scrabble. In basketball on Sunday, he only provided eight points for Cleveland.

Michigan needed to pay back Ohio. This was the biggest sports matchup between the states since November’s Ohio State-Michigan game, won 25-21 by the Buckeyes. To be on the safe side, arena security kept OSU quarterback Troy Smith out of the arena.

Equaling a Yankee slugger is not so impressive on the court. Saturday, Barry Bonds tied Babe Ruth with his 714th career home run. Sunday, the Cavaliers matched Roger Maris by tallying 61. Sadly, there will be no asterisk for Cleveland.

The music scene. Yes, Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. But the Hall would not exist without Motown. The Four Tops symbolize the Pistons’ quest for a fourth championship.

The Anti-NC State conspiracy. Pistons assistant Sidney Lowe has been hired as the new head coach for North Carolina State. However, he will not be working full-time for the Wolfpack until Detroit is eliminated. Suspiciously, UNC alumnus Rasheed Wallace helped to delay Lowe’s move to Raleigh.

City nicknames. Cleveland is “The Forest City,” so it’s not as ready to run the court as The Motor City.

The loss prevented World Series nightmares in Cleveland. If the Cavaliers had won, they would have played the Miami Heat in the conference finals. A Cleveland-Miami postseason matchup would evoke memories of the 1997 World Series, when the Indians blew a 9th inning game 7 lead against the Marlins. Dwyane Wade would have been joined in the backcourt by Edgar Renteria.

Final Four Most Outstanding Players. The Pistons have two – Richard Hamilton and Tony Delk. Just imagine what they could have done with Anderson Hunt.

The Pistons’ win sets up an Out of Sight series. Steven Soderbergh’s Out of Sight took place in both Miami and Detroit. At halftime of Game 1, fans will be treated to George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez, getting it on at halfcourt.

The royalty issue. LeBron is called “King James,” but that’s just a nickname. On the other hand, Prince is Tayshaun’s real surname. And he plays in a Palace, so he’s clearly part of a royal family.

John Elway. I know, he had nothing to do with this series. But Cleveland sports fans are used to blaming him for postseason misery.