Things That A-Rod Won't Be Doing This October

The American League Championship Series kicks off in Oakland Tuesday night, as the A’s take on the Detroit Tigers. However, the most notable storyline for many observers is the absence of the New York Yankees. Many Bronx Bombers failed to deliver against Detroit, but a 1-for-14 series ensured that Alex Rodriguez would bear the brunt of the fans’ wrath yet again.


The Yankees’ elimination means that A-Rod will spend another October without playing in the World Series. The Fall Classic is not the only activity from which he’ll be excluded this month. Here are just a few other things that A-Rod won’t be doing this October.


Organize a Columbus Day celebration. The person in charge needs to have experience with parades.

Attend a Halloween party. Bobbing for apples is fun, but A-Rod just can’t connect with The Big Apple.

Play football for Arkansas. The Razorbacks can win a big road game against the Tigers.

Advertise for L’Oréal. No one would believe him when he says, “Because I’m worth it.”

Prepare taxes. He is known as a numbers guy, but only through September.

Star in a Broadway musical. The productions require leading men who draw applause in New York.

Host Jeopardy! On this show, someone actually wins in the presence of a guy named Alex.

Become an assassin. He’s completely unqualified to be a hit man.

Extend Daylight Savings Time. For A-Rod, October is always the time to “fall back.”

Conduct séances. They require the ability to make contact.

Become president of the Lions. A-Rod could not accomplish what Matt Millen has done: get Detroit to lose.

Enter a beer-chugging contest. Participants need to be able to put away pitchers.

Join The E Street Band. They also work for The Boss, but they get a jam-packed stadium to cheer for them.

Write a dating advice column. He’s not the guy to tell people how to get to first base.

Visit a national park. Rangers are relieved not to have him around.

Serve as best man at a wedding. He would have no idea what to do with a ring.


While Rodriguez will not participate in any of those activities, there are two things he might do: suck his thumb and carry a blanket with him. Each October, he has a kindred spirit in Linus van Pelt. Like The Great Pumpkin for Linus, the World Series never manages to arrive for A-Rod.

Ripken Negotiating With Yankees

Not long ago, there existed a holy trinity of American League shortstops: Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Nomar Garciaparra.  The Yankees claimed two-thirds of this group in 2004 as Rodriguez moved to third base and joined Jeter in the Bronx.  Garciaparra could make it a clean sweep, as the free agent has expressed interest in playing multiple positions for New York.  Now a stunning development has emerged involving another famous shortstop.  Cal Ripken, Jr. is discussing a deal to come out of retirement and play in pinstripes.

 

The news is shocking for fans of the legend known as “Mr. Oriole.”  Ripken has owned the hearts of Baltimore supporters since his Rookie of the Year season in 1982.  Cal’s record-breaking 2,131st consecutive game in 1995 provided a shining and transcendent moment after the infamous 1994–95 players’ strike.  No baseball player of his generation has been more synonymous with one franchise.  Therefore, seeing Ripken in Yankee pinstripes would be even more painful for Baltimore fans than watching the Orioles’ pitching staff.

 

If the signing comes to fruition, the Yankees will continue adhering to the old adage, “You can never have enough shortstops.”  Excluding the catcher, the shortstop is the most critical defensive position on the diamond.  Therefore, it makes sense to have as many of them as possible.  New York appears set at the catcher spot with Jorge Posada.  However, if he suffers a serious injury, look for the club to acquire disgruntled superstar Miguel Tejada and put him behind the plate.

 

With the presence of Jeter and Rodriguez, Ripken would most likely be used as a designated hitter.  Centerfield appears out of the question, as the Yankees are expected to use the corpse of Honus Wagner.  The Pirate cadaver is considered a major defensive upgrade, with greater range than the beloved but aged Bernie Williams.

 

Ripken reportedly drew inspiration from Julio Franco’s two-year contract with the Mets.  With Franco’s signing, Cal is in no danger of being the oldest baseball player in New York.  The Big Apple is ecstatic over the return of the new Met, who broke into the majors with the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Meanwhile, Ripken would be the biggest Baltimore icon to hit New York since Babe Ruth, who like Cal is often linked to Lou Gehrig.  In fact, the Bambino’s retirement inspired Gehrig’s “luckiest man on the face of the earth” speech, as Gehrig no longer had to endure the daily ritual of a hung-over Ruth’s puking in the Yankee dugout.

 

The deal is far from done, but taking the field in Yankee Stadium would delay Ripken’s Hall of Fame induction.  As it stands, Cal and Tony Gwynn are expected to enter Cooperstown on the first ballot in 2007.  Tony will definitely be there.  He never played shortstop, so the Yankees won’t take him away.

Coca-Cola Giddy Over Rodriguez, Guerrero Pepsi Ad

The White Sox have advanced to their first World Series since 1959. Monday, the Astros can earn their first-ever birth in the Fall Classic. However, despite the first round exit of the Braves, the biggest postseason winner calls Atlanta home. Coca-Cola executives are delighted with the heavy rotation of Pepsi’s commercial with Alex Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero.

 

Rodriguez faced the brunt of Yankee fans’ criticism after the club’s division series loss to the Angels. The likely American League MVP had just two hits in 15 at-bats and failed to drive in a run during the series. His futility was best exemplified by his ninth inning double play in the decisive fifth game.

 

Likewise, Guerrero endured much adversity during the playoffs. Although his Angels triumphed in the first round, he failed to drive in a run versus the Yankees. His ALCS performance was downright miserable, with one hit in 20 at-bats. With no contribution from the 2004 American League MVP, the Angels fell to Chicago in five games.

 

The struggles of these two superstars, noted a Coca-Cola spokesman, prove that “Pepsi is a drink for chokers. When viewers watch these guys perform miserably, then see them drinking Pepsi, what other conclusion can they reach?”  The spokesman suggested some additional ideas he thought would be perfect for his rival cola. One involved a Coca-Cola can rolling through Bill Buckner’s legs before he manages to snag a Pepsi. Another possibility featured Chris Webber calling a time-out to drink a Pepsi.

 

In contrast, the spokesman invoked a famous Coca-Cola commercial involving an athlete.  “What did Mean Joe Greene ever win? Only four Super Bowls! And he shows he’s a sweet guy when he gives the kid his jersey.”  On the other hand, the spokesman continued, “Guerrero shatters the moon in his ad, depriving the earth of its largest satellite. What a selfish jerk!”

 

Coca-Cola has declined to purchase advertising time during the World Series. Reaping the rewards of Pepsi’s efforts will do just nicely.