Bonds & Other Barrys

As everyone knows by now, Barry Bonds slammed his 756th major league home run Tuesday night, breaking the all-time record. Bonds has passed Hank, but how does he compare to other Barrys? Let’s take a look.


Barry Bonds: Smoked the record-breaker off a Washington player
Marion Barry: Smoked crack as the Washington mayor

Barry Alvarez: Was the leader of the Wisconsin Badgers
Barry Bonds: Thanks to him, the MLB leader from Wisconsin was badgered

Barry Bonds: Has a high on-base percentage for the Giants
Barry Zito: Has a high earned run average for the Giants

Rick Barry: Was a prickly Bay Area superstar
Barry Bonds: Is a prickly Bay Area superstar

Barry Bonds: Somehow, he doesn’t have a World Series championship ring
Barry Switzer: Somehow, he has a Super Bowl championship ring

Barry Melrose: Noted for his mullet hair
Barry Bonds: Noted for his mammoth head

Barry Levinson: Collaborated with Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and Wag the Dog
Barry Bonds: Collaborated with Dusty Baker in Candlestick and Pac Bell Parks

Barry Bonds: Born in 1964
Barry Goldwater: Burned in 1964 election

Dave Barry: Displays his sense of humor as a newspaper columnist
Barry Bonds: Rarely displays his sense of humor to newspaper columnists

Barry Sanders: Retired before breaking the all-time record
Barry Bonds: To many fans’ chagrin, DIDN’T retire before breaking the all-time record

Barry Bonds: Draws lots of passes to get to first base
Barry White: Helped lots of guys get past first base

Barry Bonds: Endured a stressful home run chase
Barry Pepper: Endured a stressful home run chase, as Roger Maris in 61* (MLB must really hate him, given all the “No Pepper Allowed” signs at the ballpark)

Barry Foster: Rushed for 1,690 yards for Pittsburgh in 1992
Barry Bonds: Rushed out of Pittsburgh in 1992

Barry Manilow: Sang “Can’t Smile Without You”
Barry Bonds: Jeff Kent smiles without him

Barry Williams: Portrayed Greg Brady
Barry Bonds: Regarding two Andersons, critics say he got steroids from Greg and hit tainted home runs like Brady

Barry Larkin: One-time MVP who played shortstop
Barry Bonds: Seven-time MVP with a short fuse

Barry Bonds: Sports legend who testified before a grand jury
Barry Scheck: As part of O.J.’s defense team, made sure a sports legend didn’t testify before a jury

Barry Sonnenfeld: Directed Big Trouble and Wild Wild West
Barry Bonds: Team is in big trouble in the NL West

Barry Bostwick: Rocky Horror Picture Show star has inspired fans to throw toast
Barry Bonds: MLB star has inspired fans to throw syringes

Barry Gibb: Fueled disco fever with the Bee Gees’ smash hits
Barry Bonds: Fuels Giants fans’ fever with splash hits

Barry Bonds & The Simpsons

After years of anticipation, The Simpsons Movie was released and claimed the weekend’s box-office championship. Another long wait will soon end when Barry Bonds slams his record-breaking 756th home run. The most obvious link between the two events is the word “Homer.” While Barry and Giants fans will shout “Woo Hoo!” as the record falls, many others will scream, “D’oh!” Besides Homer, here’s how some other Simpsons characters relate to Bonds and those associated with him.


Bart: People always point the finger at him for doing something wrong.

Lisa: She’s better than her peers and isolated in the classroom. Barry’s better than his peers and isolated in the locker room.

Maggie: She’s known for not talking.

Marge: By batting .167 against Cincinnati in his first post-season series, Bonds delighted Marge Schott.

Grandpa: Abe can’t move around like he did in the old days.

Patty & Selma: The duo causes nothing but headaches for Homer, just like Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada for Bonds.

Mister Burns: He’s rich and the most hated man around.

Smithers: Like trainer Greg Anderson, he’ll do anything for the man he worships.

Ned Flanders: Barry could solve his endorsement shortage by appearing in ads for The Leftorium.

Moe: Like Victor Conte, he serves up powerful concoctions.

Barney: He’s a fat drunkard, just like the guy Bonds passed with his 715th dinger.

Lenny & Carl: In 1993, Barry beat out Lenny Dykstra for MVP – 26 years after Carl Yastrzemski won the award.

Chief Wiggum: Like Bud Selig, he’s a chief who’s inept at stopping lawbreakers.

Ralph Wiggum: He makes some absolutely silly statements.

Apu: The Kwik-E-Mart may not have the cream and the clear, but it does have ice cream and Clearasil.

Principal Skinner: He tries to take the fun out of everything, like opposing managers who intentionally walk Bonds.

Mrs. Krabappel: She was once hopeful, before her dreams began to slide. The Pirates were hopeful in ’92, before Bream began to slide.

Milhouse: He’s constantly tormented, like pitchers facing Barry.

Nelson: Springfield Elementary’s resident bully has a high slugging percentage.

Martin: He shares a name with the best player on Barry’s hated arch-rival Dodgers.

Groundskeeper Willie: Close, but with Bonds it’s Godfather Willie.

Otto Mann: He drives the bus and uses drugs, while Barry drives the ball and, ahem, allegedly uses drugs.

Krusty the Clown: Bonds is crusty with the media, but seldom a clown.

Sideshow Bob: There’s often a sideshow around Barry, who’s the son of Bob.

Mayor Quimby: Surely the philandering leader of Springfield has had mistresses pose for Playboy.

Kent Brockman: The newscaster would have a tough relationship with Bonds, since he’s media AND a guy named Kent.

Reverend Lovejoy: He preaches “Thou shalt not steal,” although Barry has stolen 514 bases.

Dr. Hibbert: He has lots of experience with needles.

Lionel Hutz: He’s been gone since Phil Hartman’s death, but Bonds could have used him during grand jury testimony.

Comic Book Guy: He’s arrogant and voiced by Hank Azaria. Barry is arrogant and linked to another Hank A.

Ken Griffey, Jr.: In his Simpsons appearance, he was a major league superstar who wound up with a giant head.

Earth Day Lessons From Giants & Diamondbacks

Sunday was a major occasion for environmental advocates, as the 37th annual Earth Day was observed. Green power did not seem to be embraced by Major League Baseball, as both Shawn Green and Khalil Greene lost despite belting home runs. However, as you might expect, the lessons of Earth Day were on full display in San Francisco. The Giants’ 2-1 victory over the Arizona Diamondbacks adhered to numerous environmentally-friendly tips. Here’s a quick recap.


Carpool: The visitors came to AT&T Park in a bus.

Turn Lights Off: The game was played in daylight.

Recycle: Saturday’s storyline was used again, as a solo home run by Barry Bonds was the difference.

Keep Water Clean: Bonds’s home run ball landed short of McCovey Cove.

Throw Fewer Things Away: Neither team committed an error.

Promote Efficiency: The game lasted less than two hours.

Conserve Energy: The teams combined for seven hits, so they didn’t have to run the bases much.

Save Trees: With just one pinch-hitter in the game, only one extra bat was used.

Avoid Over-reliance On Gas: Winning pitcher Matt Cain, while known for his fastball, can also utilize off-speed pitches.

Seek Alternative Energy Sources: Insert Bonds joke here.

Barry Larkin Signs With Giants

The San Francisco Giants made a big splash in the free-agent market yesterday with the signing of former Oakland A's left-hander Barry Zito. Today the Giants added another Barry to join Zito and Barry Bonds. San Francisco has reportedly agreed to terms with former Cincinnati Reds shortstop Barry Larkin.


The signing continues the club's efforts to be the best collection of Barrys in the history of major league baseball. The strategy was apparently inspired by Barry Bonds's chase for Hank Aaron's all-time home run record. On every road trip, the Giants expect to hear endless "Barry Sucks" chants. However, if the team is stocked with Barrys, opposing fans may get confused and forget which Barry they're booing. In that scenario, they would likely stop booing and put down their fake syringes as Bonds bids for history.


The strategy has made life hectic for general manager Barry Sabean, formerly known as Brian. Landing Zito was a huge coup after the loss of ace Jason Schmidt, who had refused to change his name to Barry Schmidt. The club will not go so far as to alter its nickname from the Giants to the Barrys. However, the team's new logo has been unveiled, showing a game of catch between a giant Barry Manilow and a giant Barry Gibb.


The signing of Larkin brings one of the all-time great shortstops out of retirement. The 1995 National League MVP was a 12-time All-Star who won three Gold Gloves. Larkin will turn 43 in April, so many observers felt that he was too young to play for the Giants. He will likely have to change positions, due to the presence of Barry Vizquel in San Francisco.


Official terms of the deal have not been released. Larkin last played in 2004, batting .289 with 8 home runs and 44 RBI in 111 games. Those pedestrian numbers and the layoff surely reduced what he could command in this free-agent market. Preliminary reports indicate that Larkin signed a one-year deal for $22 million.


While the Giants are thrilled with the signing, fans in Cincinnati are far more critical. Larkin has been involved with the Washington Nationals since his retirement, but his entire playing career was with the Reds. He won a World Series title with the Nasty Boys in 1990 and is a Cincinnati native. One fan summed up the city's disappointment: "Barry Larkin is as synonymous with the Cincinnati Reds as mug shots are with the Bengals."


Larkin's return will delay his Baseball Hall of Fame eligibility. Another Hall of Fame welcomed Barry Sanders last year. But as the Detroit Lions know too well, not all Barrys return.