Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Margaret Mitchell Report

The sports world has been abuzz in recent days, following the issuance of the Mitchell Report. The document summarized the findings of former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell after his investigation into the use of performance-enhancing drugs by major league baseball players. The inclusion of Roger Clemens was the most significant topic of conversation, while other prominent players such as Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada, and Barry Bonds were also named in the report.

To many, these revelations are nothing new. In fact, an all-time classic movie from 1939 contained numerous quotes with relevance for the issue of performance-enhancing substances. Gone With the Wind was originally a novel written by another Mitchell (Margaret). The film screenplay was actually adapted by Sidney Howard, but as far as I know, there was no Howard Report in sports this week. Therefore, with quotes from Gone With the Wind, and their relevance to the present-day findings from George Mitchell, I bring you the Margaret Mitchell Report:

“It will come to you, this love of the land.” (Gerald O’Hara): And love of the cream, and the clear, and …

“It ain’t fittin’…it ain’t fittin.’ It jes’ ain’t fittin’…It ain’t fittin.’” (Mammy): A players’ wardrobe after bulking up from steroids.

“With enough courage, you can do without a reputation.” (Rhett Butler): Words to live by, for players named in the report.

“Take a good luck my dear. It’s an historic moment you can tell your grandchildren about how you watched the Old South fall one night.” (Rhett): This quote is a bit off target, since the biggest losers were Yankees.

“I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” (Scarlett O’Hara): A player’s response, when warned about the health risks of steroids.

“As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!” (Scarlett): Steroid use often leads to an increased appetite.

“I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies!” (Prissy): Side effects of steroids include reduced sperm count and infertility.

“Fiddle-dee-dee!” (Scarlett): An expression of ‘roid rage, edited for 1939 audiences.

“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” (Rhett): Substitute “injected” for “kissed,” and it’s how Jose Canseco introduced himself to new teammates.

“You’re like the thief who isn’t the least bit sorry he stole, but is terribly, terribly sorry he’s going to jail.” (Rhett): A comment addressing the scores of lame non-apologies sure to be coming.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Rhett): 1990s response to the steroid issue from Bud Selig and Donald Fehr.

“After all… tomorrow is another day.” (Scarlett): An obvious statement, just like “lots of major leaguers used steroids.”