A Roger Clemens Spin on Samuel Clemens

One of the giants of American literature, Mark Twain was born Samuel Langhorne Clemens. These days, most sports fans view another Clemens as a prolific storyteller. Roger’s testimony before Congress may not endure as long as Twain’s works. However, the Rocket is quite knowledgeable about his namesake author. Here’s a look at how today’s Clemens views ten famous works from the earlier Clemens.


Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: Twain’s masterpiece is among the books most frequently banned from libraries. Since it is a banned substance, Roger denies that Brian McNamee ever injected Huck Finn into his buttocks.

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: Tom nobly took a whipping to protect sweetheart Becky Thatcher. But Roger would advise Tom, “If anyone asks about HGH, say Becky’s the one who took it.”

The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County: Roger insists that the frog’s jumping was due solely to his religious workout regimen, and he was never injected with anything other than B-12.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court: Whether in the 1800s, medieval England, or 2008, Roger doesn’t think a Yankee should have to show up in ANYONE’S court.

The Gilded Age: Roger insists, “I never took gilds during the Gilded Age, so there’s no way I could have taken steroids during the Steroid Era!”

Innocents Abroad: “It’s Samuel Clemens’ Innocents Abroad,” notes Roger. “Shorten that, and you get ‘Clemens innocent.’ Case closed!”

Life on the Mississippi: “The Mighty Mississippi is a natural wonder,” states Roger. “So why can’t I be mighty and natural?”

The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg: Roger emphasizes, “I’ve never played in Hadleyburg, so you can’t pin that one on me!”

The Prince and the Pauper: Asked why the book has a happy ending, Roger replies, “Because the pauper never told lies about the prince to George Mitchell!”

Pudd’nhead Wilson: “Okay, this one got published when Twain was 58,” remarks an annoyed Roger. “But I’m supposed to be washed up in my 30s??? Come on!!!”

Clemens vs. Devine

On Sunday, the Houston Astros eliminated the Atlanta Braves with an amazing 7–6 victory in 18 innings.  The result was not surprising, given the pitchers who ended the game.  Here is a comparison of the Astros’ Roger Clemens and the Braves’ Joey Devine.

 

Clemens:  Drafted in the first round by Boston in 1983

Devine:  Born in 1983

 

Clemens:  Has won 341 regular-season games in the major leagues

Devine:  Has won 0 regular-season games in the major leagues

 

Clemens:  Possesses nickname “The Rocket”

Devine:  Possesses name you’d expect from a strip club owner

 

Clemens:  Allowed second career grand slam in 17th major league season

Devine:  Allowed second career grand slam in second major league appearance

 

Clemens:  Earned $18 million this season

Devine:  Earned free buffalo wings on last visit to Hooters

 

Clemens:  Experienced great misery – watching Red Sox collapse in the 1986 World Series

Devine:  Experienced great misery – attending NC State

 

Clemens:  Has won 7 Cy Young Awards

Devine:  Sometimes sighs, and is young

 

Better days may lie ahead for Devine.  Clemens himself had to rebound from a postseason-ending loss in 2004.  Perhaps like the Rocket, the young Brave will respond in impressive fashion next season.  I just wouldn’t count on getting $18 million.

Clemens Harmful to Houston Hitters

Despite Roger Clemens’s first complete game of the season, the Houston Astros fell 2–0 to the San Diego Padres on Tuesday.  The result is all too familiar to Astros fans.  Although he has a dazzling 1.56 ERA, Clemens has a modest 11–6 record.  Houston has been shut out in two of his last three starts, and amazingly, in seven of the Rocket’s appearances this season.  The team has scored three runs or fewer in 16 of his 27 starts.  Which leads to one logical conclusion: Clemens is hurting the Astros’ offense.

 

Baseball has a rich history of showcasing fearsome pitchers.  Hitters could count on a sleepless night with the prospect of facing Bob Gibson or Nolan Ryan the following day.  But Clemens has taken this dread to the next level – he’s so intimidating, he even scares his own batters.  Houston manager Phil Garner must keep this factor in mind when he fills out his lineup card.  Just as American League managers often sit a struggling left-handed hitter when Johan Santana is pitching, Garner would be well-advised to bench a slumping batter when he sends Clemens to the mound.  Otherwise, the odds just aren’t in his favor.

 

It could be argued that the Rocket’s effect on the Astros’ offense cost Houston the National League pennant last season.  Forced to a game 7 by Jim Edmonds’s walk-off home run in St. Louis, Garner’s decision to start Clemens ensured that Cardinals starter Jeff Suppan would be almost unhittable.  Houston only managed one run as the Cardinals advanced to the World Series.

 

The ineptitude of the Astros’ offense during Clemens’s starts has to have an effect on the team’s psyche.  It’s rumored that sluggers Carlos Beltran and Jeff Kent left town because being in the same lineup with Clemens every fifth day would severely diminish their numbers.  Astros players routinely take extra batting practice on days when Clemens is pitching, but nothing seems to be working.  Before a recent start by the Rocket, one player in the Houston lineup pointed to his bat and lamented, “Why do I even have this thing today?  It won’t do me any good!”

 

Clemens next takes the mound on Sunday to face the Dodgers.  Los Angeles starter Jeff Weaver is already licking his chops.

Today's Sports Limerick

There was an old pitcher named Roger

Who struck out Cubs, Reds, and Dodgers

On every fifth day

Angry hitters would say

“I hate facing that old codger!”