Reds Implement No-Oswalt Policy At Ballpark

With 81 home dates a season, major league ballclubs must always be sensitive to the fan experience at games. High ticket prices, parking lot gridlock, obnoxious drunks, and mediocre baseball can all be major turn-offs for potential spectators. Today the Cincinnati Reds took a step to make the home fans’ experience at Great American Ball Park more enjoyable. The venue now has an official No-Oswalt policy.


The policy was implemented after the Reds’ 5-4 loss to the Houston Astros Monday night. Roy Oswalt earned the victory after allowing two runs over seven innings. The win improved Oswalt’s lifetime record against Cincinnati to an amazing 19-1. No one has been tougher on Reds since the McCarthy hearings.


With that track record in mind, management decided that Oswalt will now be prohibited from entering Great American Ball Park. Owner Robert Castellini explained, “We’re trying to promote a fan-friendly experience for the home fans. How fan-friendly can it be if their team has no shot in hell of winning?” Oswalt joins other items you won’t see at the ballpark, such as glass bottles, cans, and a quality bullpen.


General Manager Wayne Krivsky also cited safety concerns. “There’s been a lot of talk about alcohol in the clubhouse lately. Well, facing Oswalt drives our players to drink!” The Reds’ clubhouse does appear to be a safer place these days, especially since Lou Piniella and Rob Dibble are no longer there together. Cincinnati plans to further emphasize safety by hiring a new team physician, a position formerly held by Dr. Johnny Fever. As manager Jerry Narron remarked, “Safety is always a concern for us. Ken Griffey, Jr. is on our team.”


The Astros are expected to appeal the decision to major league baseball. However, the issue does not appear to be urgent for commissioner Bud Selig. After this series, Houston does not visit Cincinnati again until late September. Reportedly, Selig is assuming that the Astros ace will be a Yankee by then.


If the policy does get overturned, the Reds have a backup plan for future Oswalt starts. Noting that he is winless with a 6.41 ERA in five career starts versus Atlanta, Cincinnati would wear Braves uniforms and display a banner proclaiming “Welcome To Turner Field!”. Before things even get to that point, they plan to employ a proven strategy for getting someone banned from the ballpark in Cincinnati. They’ll tell Selig that Oswalt bet on baseball.


On the field, the Reds continue to struggle at 14-18. However, team officials remain proud of their home venue. The No-Oswalt policy is a small step to reward the home fans at Great American Ball Park. Management realizes that the Cincinnati fans have enough to worry about when they go to the ballpark. After all, sometimes Bengals are in the stands.

Houston, We Have Many Problems

October 19 was a wonderful night for Houston sports fans.  Rebounding from a ninth inning collapse two nights earlier, the Astros defeated St. Louis 5–1 to advance to their first World Series.  The five weeks since have brought nothing but misery for the city’s teams.  On Thursday, Houston residents will give thanks – because all their teams are idle.

 

The trouble began when the Astros were swept by the White Sox in the World Series.  Houston’s most competitive efforts were not against Chicago, but versus commissioner Bud Selig for his decision to close the roof at Minute Maid Park.  Game 3 lasted as long as Hanukkah before former Astro Geoff Blum’s 14th-inning home run led the White Sox to victory.  Chicago capped off the sweep with a 1–0 win in Game 4, with some guy named Willie Harris scoring the only run.  Interviewed in the victorious clubhouse afterwards, Harris remarked, “Even I’ve never heard of me.”

 

At least the Astros made it to the big stage – something the Texans will not have the chance to do this season.  The expansion team did defeat Cleveland 19–16 on October 30.  That triumph is the only bright spot in a 1–9 season.  Quarterback David Carr is considering a second career as a crash test dummy, so he can be hit less often.  The Texans have shown great balance, ranking 30th out of 32 NFL teams in both scoring offense and scoring defense.  Houston fans are eagerly awaiting the season-ending showdown with similarly inept San Francisco.  With prime draft position on the line, the January 1 contest is being billed as the Mel Kiper, Jr. Bowl.

 

Current NBA standings show the Rockets as the worst team in the Western Conference at 3–9.  Superstar Tracy McGrady has missed six games due to back problems, and Houston has lost all six of those matchups.  Despite having the best 7’6” Chinese player in the league, the Rockets need McGrady to once again become solidly mediocre.  On Friday, Houston travels to Memphis for a game that will be pivotal in the Conference USA race.

 

Houston’s sports problems have become so pervasive, they have even spread to guys named Houston.  Running back Cedric Houston is suffering through a miserable 2–8 season with the New York Jets.  His head coach Herman Edwards, who once famously stated, “You play to win the game,” reportedly has no idea why the Jets are playing right now.  Also, Houston Nutt was unable to lead his Arkansas Razorbacks to bowl eligibility.  At 4–6, Houston’s Hogs are being led to slaughter in Friday’s season-ender at LSU.  Allan Houston must be turning in his grave.  Or, since he’s not actually dead, suffering some sort of pain while resting in his mansion.

 

Sports fans in Space City hope for better days ahead.  For the past five weeks, however, their teams have been lost in space.

Clemens vs. Devine

On Sunday, the Houston Astros eliminated the Atlanta Braves with an amazing 7–6 victory in 18 innings.  The result was not surprising, given the pitchers who ended the game.  Here is a comparison of the Astros’ Roger Clemens and the Braves’ Joey Devine.

 

Clemens:  Drafted in the first round by Boston in 1983

Devine:  Born in 1983

 

Clemens:  Has won 341 regular-season games in the major leagues

Devine:  Has won 0 regular-season games in the major leagues

 

Clemens:  Possesses nickname “The Rocket”

Devine:  Possesses name you’d expect from a strip club owner

 

Clemens:  Allowed second career grand slam in 17th major league season

Devine:  Allowed second career grand slam in second major league appearance

 

Clemens:  Earned $18 million this season

Devine:  Earned free buffalo wings on last visit to Hooters

 

Clemens:  Experienced great misery – watching Red Sox collapse in the 1986 World Series

Devine:  Experienced great misery – attending NC State

 

Clemens:  Has won 7 Cy Young Awards

Devine:  Sometimes sighs, and is young

 

Better days may lie ahead for Devine.  Clemens himself had to rebound from a postseason-ending loss in 2004.  Perhaps like the Rocket, the young Brave will respond in impressive fashion next season.  I just wouldn’t count on getting $18 million.

Curse of the Brand-ino

Seeking their first playoff birth in 12 years, the Phillies lost 2–1 to the Astros Tuesday night.  The defeat was Philadelphia’s 11th straight against Houston.  Let me repeat – 11 IN A ROW!  Something to be expected – if you’re Vanderbilt against Tennessee.  But not from a major league club with postseason aspirations.  Then again, the Phils may be fighting a force more powerful than a Roger Clemens fastball: The Curse of the Brand-ino.

 

Brandon Duckworth is a right-handed pitcher who came up through the Phillies organization.  He went 15–18 over parts of three seasons in Philadelphia before being packaged with two minor leaguers in a November 2003 trade for Astros closer Billy Wagner.  Wagner has been a great closer for the Phils, so at first glance the deal appears to have benefited the club.  But in reality, Philadelphia may have cost itself dearly by incurring Duckworth’s wrath, calling to mind the old saying, “Hell hath no fury like a marginal major league pitcher scorned.”

 

Before 2004, the Phillies always got the better of the Astros when it counted.  Bobby Abreu is in Philadelphia’s outfield because Houston left him unprotected in the expansion draft, allowing Tampa Bay to select him and trade him to the Phillies for the legendary Kevin Stocker.  That was Philly’s best trade since 1992, when the Astros wanted Jason Grimsley so much, they gave up Curt Schilling to get him.  Most significantly, there was the 1980 NLCS.  Down 5–2 after 7 innings in the decisive fifth game and facing Nolan Ryan on the mound, the Phils managed to win in 10 innings.  They went on to win their only World Series championship, while the Astros settled for watching themselves on tape in “The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training.”  Jackie Earle Haley paled in comparison to Tug McGraw’s joyous leap off the mound.

 

But since Philadelphia dealt Duckworth, the club is 0 for 11 against Houston.  Rumor has it that he put a hex on the Phillies, vowing that they would never defeat the Astros again.  Duckworth apparently hoped that as a pitcher who places a curse on his old team, he would go on to be a record-setting home run hitter.  Or maybe a fat guy who plays with hangovers, I’m not sure.

 

Although Duckworth has spent more time in AAA than with the big league club since the trade, his shadow looms large over this series.  Taking no chances, Houston recalled him prior to the trip to Philly.  Two one-run victories have resulted, and the Astros even defeated Wagner in Tuesday night’s game.  Duckworth surely put his Billy Wagner voodoo doll to use in the ninth inning.

 

Most baseball observers agree that a right-handed pitcher acquired after the 2003 season has helped put the Astros into the wild-card lead.  But Philadelphia knows that his name is not Roger Clemens.  Tonight the Phillies have their last chance of the season to overcome the Curse of the Brand-ino.  If they don’t, the losing streak may last 86 years.  Note to security personnel at Citizens Bank Park: if Duckworth shows up with a goat, let the goat in!

Clemens Harmful to Houston Hitters

Despite Roger Clemens’s first complete game of the season, the Houston Astros fell 2–0 to the San Diego Padres on Tuesday.  The result is all too familiar to Astros fans.  Although he has a dazzling 1.56 ERA, Clemens has a modest 11–6 record.  Houston has been shut out in two of his last three starts, and amazingly, in seven of the Rocket’s appearances this season.  The team has scored three runs or fewer in 16 of his 27 starts.  Which leads to one logical conclusion: Clemens is hurting the Astros’ offense.

 

Baseball has a rich history of showcasing fearsome pitchers.  Hitters could count on a sleepless night with the prospect of facing Bob Gibson or Nolan Ryan the following day.  But Clemens has taken this dread to the next level – he’s so intimidating, he even scares his own batters.  Houston manager Phil Garner must keep this factor in mind when he fills out his lineup card.  Just as American League managers often sit a struggling left-handed hitter when Johan Santana is pitching, Garner would be well-advised to bench a slumping batter when he sends Clemens to the mound.  Otherwise, the odds just aren’t in his favor.

 

It could be argued that the Rocket’s effect on the Astros’ offense cost Houston the National League pennant last season.  Forced to a game 7 by Jim Edmonds’s walk-off home run in St. Louis, Garner’s decision to start Clemens ensured that Cardinals starter Jeff Suppan would be almost unhittable.  Houston only managed one run as the Cardinals advanced to the World Series.

 

The ineptitude of the Astros’ offense during Clemens’s starts has to have an effect on the team’s psyche.  It’s rumored that sluggers Carlos Beltran and Jeff Kent left town because being in the same lineup with Clemens every fifth day would severely diminish their numbers.  Astros players routinely take extra batting practice on days when Clemens is pitching, but nothing seems to be working.  Before a recent start by the Rocket, one player in the Houston lineup pointed to his bat and lamented, “Why do I even have this thing today?  It won’t do me any good!”

 

Clemens next takes the mound on Sunday to face the Dodgers.  Los Angeles starter Jeff Weaver is already licking his chops.