Friday, February 15, 2008

A Roger Clemens Spin on Samuel Clemens

One of the giants of American literature, Mark Twain was born Samuel Langhorne Clemens. These days, most sports fans view another Clemens as a prolific storyteller. Roger’s testimony before Congress may not endure as long as Twain’s works. However, the Rocket is quite knowledgeable about his namesake author. Here’s a look at how today’s Clemens views ten famous works from the earlier Clemens.

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: Twain’s masterpiece is among the books most frequently banned from libraries. Since it is a banned substance, Roger denies that Brian McNamee ever injected Huck Finn into his buttocks.

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: Tom nobly took a whipping to protect sweetheart Becky Thatcher. But Roger would advise Tom, “If anyone asks about HGH, say Becky’s the one who took it.”

The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County: Roger insists that the frog’s jumping was due solely to his religious workout regimen, and he was never injected with anything other than B-12.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court: Whether in the 1800s, medieval England, or 2008, Roger doesn’t think a Yankee should have to show up in ANYONE’S court.

The Gilded Age: Roger insists, “I never took gilds during the Gilded Age, so there’s no way I could have taken steroids during the Steroid Era!”

Innocents Abroad: “It’s Samuel Clemens’ Innocents Abroad,” notes Roger. “Shorten that, and you get ‘Clemens innocent.’ Case closed!”

Life on the Mississippi: “The Mighty Mississippi is a natural wonder,” states Roger. “So why can’t I be mighty and natural?”

The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg: Roger emphasizes, “I’ve never played in Hadleyburg, so you can’t pin that one on me!”

The Prince and the Pauper: Asked why the book has a happy ending, Roger replies, “Because the pauper never told lies about the prince to George Mitchell!”

Pudd’nhead Wilson: “Okay, this one got published when Twain was 58,” remarks an annoyed Roger. “But I’m supposed to be washed up in my 30s??? Come on!!!”