A Comparison of Chases

This Saturday night in Richmond, the Chase For the Nextel Cup field will be set after the Chevy Rock & Roll 400. Meanwhile, up I-95, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley will be aiding the Phillies’ playoff push while stating his case to replace teammate Ryan Howard as National League MVP. One Chase will definitely extend into November, and the other hopes to play into October. Here’s a comparison of the Chases.


Chase For the Cup: Starts after race #26
Chase Utley: All-Star starter who wears #26

Chase for the Cup: Cars crash into walls at high speed
Chase Utley: Teammate Aaron Rowand crashes into walls at high speed

Chase for the Cup: Hugely popular among rednecks
Chase Utley: Hugely unpopular among Reds pitchers

Chase For the Cup: Features race fans showering Jeff Gordon with boos
Chase Utley: Hears Philly fans showering Tom Gordon with boos

Chase for the Cup: Lead-in races included the Citizens Bank 400
Chase Utley: Hitting close to .400 at Citizens Bank Park

Chase For the Cup: Unlikely to include “Little E” in the #8
Chase Utley: Last “E” he made was #8

Chase for the Cup: Finishes on a weekend in Homestead, Florida
Chase Utley: Starts a homestand this weekend against Florida

Chase for the Cup: Chevys rule the standings
Chase Utley: Mets rule the standings

Chase For the Cup: With last Sunday’s win, Jimmie Johnson is the NASCAR driver of the week
Chase Utley: Teammate Jimmy Rollins is the NL Player of the Week

Chase for the Cup: Filled with left turns
Chase Utley: Phil who bats left and turns two

Chase for the Cup: Tony Stewart celebrates victories by climbing the fence
Chase Utley: Phillies celebrate victories when he goes over the fence

Chase for the Cup: Competitors for the title include Matt Kenseth
Chase Utley: Competitors for the batting title include Matt Holliday

Chase for the Cup: Teams need a strong pit crew
Chase Utley: Team is stronger than the Pittsburgh crew

Chase for the Cup: Infield drunks rack up the DUI’s
Chase Utley: Infield star racks up the RBI’s

Chase for the Cup: Some races will feature the Car of Tomorrow
Chase Utley: Some say teammate Cole Hamels is the Carlton of Tomorrow

Chase for the Cup: Drivers must make wise use of drafting
Chase Utley: By choosing him 15th overall in 2000, Phillies made wise use of drafting

Chase for the Cup: Driving from the pole is ideal
Chase Utley: Driving one off the foul pole is ideal

Chase for the Cup: In every race, they’re trading paint
Chase Utley: Became every-day starter after trading of Polanco

Chase for the Cup: Cars have restrictor plates at Talladega
Chase Utley: Never restricted at the plate in Philadelphia

Chase for the Cup: Goal is the checkered flag
Chase Utley: Goal is the NL pennant

Dale Jr. To Replace Blair As Prime Minister

Yesterday, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and NASCAR icon Dale Earnhardt Jr. made announcements regarding upcoming changes in their lives. Blair will end his 10-year term as Prime Minister, while Dale Jr. will terminate his relationship with Dale Earnhardt Inc. Today it was revealed that those two developments are related. Sources within Parliament have confirmed that Little E will take over for Blair as British Prime Minister.


The development sent shock waves throughout the United Kingdom. It had been assumed that Blair’s successor would be named according to the typical custom. In that scenario, as the majority party in the House of Commons, the Labour Party would choose the new Prime Minister from within its ranks. However, Chevrolet recently obtained the rights to be the exclusive corporate sponsor of Parliament. Under the terms of the contract, Chevy gets to choose the Prime Minister, so Dale Jr. was a natural choice. The company plans to launch an ad campaign, showing images such as Buckingham Palace, Stonehenge, and the White Cliffs of Dover, accompanied with the message, “Now THIS is our country!”


Reaction in London has been overwhelmingly negative. Blair’s popularity plummeted as he was widely viewed as being too eager to please the United States. Now his replacement will be an actual American. Given their rampant anti-Bush sentiments, Brits were infuriated to hear that Dale Jr. has raced in the Busch Series. Also, they expect their politicians to wear a suit and tie – not a red Budweiser uniform.


Rather than June 27, as originally reported, Blair will turn over his position to Earnhardt after the end of the Nextel Cup season. Sure to be disappointed is treasury chief Gordon Brown, who had been expected to be the next Prime Minister. Having a rival named Gordon is nothing new for Junior. In fact, during Brown’s most recent address to the House, Dale’s fans pelted him with beer cans.


Ironically, Little E will be headed to the UK because Dale Earnhardt Inc. was far from a United Kingdom. Animosity between Junior and his stepmother, DEI owner Teresa Earnhardt, had reached the point of no return. Hopefully his relationship with Queen Elizabeth II will be much smoother. Junior does have an understanding of royal figures, as his legendary father was the equal of The King, Richard Petty. Likewise, Elizabeth would fit in with the NASCAR culture. Last week she attended the Kentucky Derby, so she enjoys watching races with tens of thousands of drunken fans. In addition, Elizabeth has acknowledged that she would like to change her title from “Queen” to “England’s Crew Chief.”


Numerous changes are expected when Dale Jr. takes over for Blair. In honor of his father, the famous Prime Minister address of 10 Downing Street will likely be changed to 3 Victory Lane. Parliamentary proceedings at the Palace of Westminster are expected to see a huge increase in tailgating. Debate on issues will begin on the green flag and finish on the checkered flag. A caution flag will be in effect whenever a House member crashes into a wall during debate.


Political observers are eager to see how Earnhardt’s foreign policy evolves. Iraq is a primary concern, with pundits asking, “Where is Little E on the Middle East?” They will also want to know his expertise on foreign trade – not just trading paint. Dale Jr. does have experience in dealing with France, the ruling family of NASCAR. Additionally, the London Olympics are still five years away, but the new Prime Minister is expected to lobby the International Olympic Committee to make stock car racing an Olympic sport.


Junior’s upcoming term continues the intermingling of the USA and UK sports worlds. Manchester United is now principally owned by an American, Malcolm Glazer. British soccer icon David Beckham will soon be suiting up for the Los Angeles Galaxy. Even the Prime Minister position has previously been involved with American sports, as Margaret Thatcher spent a season at power forward for the Milwaukee Bucks.


Before long, Dale Jr.’s focus will shift from racing Tony Stewart to replacing Tony Blair. When that happens, Parliament will get to experience history. Little E will meet Big Ben.

Peyton Manning To Compete In Daytona 500

On February 4, Peyton Manning fulfilled a lifelong dream as his Indianapolis Colts finally won the Super Bowl with a 29-17 triumph over the Chicago Bears. Peyton could be excused if he chose to take it easy for a while. However, the taste of victory has only made him hungry for more. With that in mind, Manning will race in Sunday’s Daytona 500.


Peyton will take the place of J.J. Yeley, starting in row 6. Yeley was slotted to drive the #18 car for Joe Gibbs Racing. However, based on the Colts’ 36-22 victory over the Washington Redskins in October, Manning had earned the right to bump any driver on Gibbs’s team. Since Peyton is synonymous with the number 18, Yeley had to give up his spot. Now, instead of leading drives for Tony Dungy, Manning will drive with Tony Stewart.


Given his lack of NASCAR experience, many fans were critical of Manning’s inclusion in the race. Considering the city in which he plays, most considered him a better fit for the Indianapolis 500. Also, he cannot compete for the Nextel Cup, since The Chase coincides with the NFL regular season. Skeptics proclaimed that Manning will be left in the dust after falling behind early. Peyton responded by referring to the opening kickoff of the Super Bowl. He came back to win, even after an opponent traveling at high speed immediately put him behind.


Sometimes called The Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing, the Daytona 500 has numerous parallels to the NFL’s showcase event. Sunday’s competition is also known as The Great American Race, and this year’s Super Bowl inspired discussions about race in America. Jimmie Johnson seeks to repeat at Daytona, just like Jimmy Johnson won back-to-back Super Bowls. Chevrolet’s four-year victory streak in the race shows a particularly strong link to football. William Clay Ford owns the Detroit Lions, so you don’t see Fords winning the Super Bowl, either.


Manning felt that he would be completely at home on the NASCAR circuit. He uses sound judgment when passing, and as a high-scoring Colt he wins with horsepower. In the same vein as the Allisons, Pettys, and Earnhardts, his primary sport is a family business. Most notably, like all NASCAR drivers he endorses a huge number of products while competing on Sundays.


During the race, Peyton will have constant reminders of his football experiences. His focus on the checkered flag will remind him of Tennessee, where he focused on the checkerboard end zone. He must periodically make pit stops, whereas last year he was stopped by Pittsburgh. Several crew chiefs have been barred from Sunday’s race, just like Manning’s Colts knocked some Chiefs out of action. As he did two weeks ago, Peyton hopes to win a championship in Florida. He feels confident because Steve Spurrier doesn’t have a car in the race.


Against the Bears, Manning captured the title that had eluded him for so long. His experience was much like Dale Earnhardt in winning the Daytona 500 at long last in 1998. Peyton will get to race Dale, Jr., but he would have gladly taken his chances against the departed legend as well. Once you’ve gotten past Brian Urlacher, no other Intimidator can scare you.

Report: Ricky Bobby Tests Positive For Steroids

With five races remaining before The Chase For the Nextel Cup begins, compelling storylines are abundant in NASCAR. Points leader Jimmie Johnson has not let up since his Daytona 500 victory. Marquee names Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. hope to hold on for one of the coveted ten spots in The Chase. However, the sport’s major storyline this week is one of controversy. A report has surfaced that star driver Ricky Bobby has tested positive for steroids.


The bombshell is just the latest development this summer in the sports world’s involvement with performance-enhancing drugs. The steroid problem has cast a persistent shadow over major league baseball. Tests for sprinter Justin Gatlin and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis revealed an overabundance of testosterone for both athletes. Gatlin and Landis maintain their innocence, and Landis vows to continue his goal of making new excuses until the problem goes away. Asked for comment about those two, Bobby seemed to invite suspicion when he declared, “Nobody’s got more testosterone than me! Just don’t ask me how to spell it.”


The recent controversies have increased skepticism about how clean today’s athletes are. However, Bobby’s reported positive test shows that steroid use has reached a level few would have expected. It is so rampant, it has apparently spread to fictional characters. It is true that steroid rumors swirled around Soviet boxer Ivan Drago in 1985 when he pummeled Apollo Creed to his death. However, testing procedures were woefully inadequate at the time. Now fans will wonder whether other great sports accomplishments on film were legitimate. Hickory High School basketball legend Jimmy Chitwood took a proactive step, angrily denying that his dramatic game winner in Hoosiers was chemically enhanced.


One NASCAR driver, speaking under condition of anonymity, claims that Bobby is well-known as a steroid user. According to the source, Bobby’s bulking-up once led him to be known as Frank the Tank, and he consorted with a notorious supplier known as The Godfather. The driver claims that he has incriminating footage of one of Bobby’s workouts, in which he goes swimming with a syringe in his neck.


The controversy has also brought a cloud of suspicion around Bobby’s longtime friend and racing partner Cal Naughton, Jr. Since the pair is known for doing everything as a team, many assume that Naughton was using banned substances along with Bobby. One insider speculated that Bobby and Naughton’s famous “Shake and Bake” credo refers to the steroids named shakenol and bakeandriol. Reached for comment, Naughton declared, “I ain’t never used steroids.” He continued, “Unless Ricky admits that he did. Then I used ‘em too, since we’re a team.”


Bobby himself claims that a French conspiracy is at work. “It’s like that guy on the bike, Neil Armstrong,” he remarked. “They couldn’t beat ‘em, so they said he was on drugs.” Bobby referenced his heated rivalry with driver Jean Girard and charged that NASCAR was biased in favor of the Frenchman. He commented, “Think about it. The guy in charge of NASCAR is Brian FRANCE. No one would be on my case if Brian America was in charge.”


The positive result is expected to be confirmed at a news conference this afternoon. Bobby continues to deny steroid use, stating, “I live my life according to Baby Jesus. And Baby Jesus never give me no steroids.” Insiders expect confirmation of the positive result to bring an immediate suspension for Bobby. He also could be forced to relinquish last weekend’s box office victory. Additionally, when he is allowed to resume racing, NASCAR will likely reduce his allowable sponsorships to no more than 75.


If those punishments occur, Ricky Bobby will no longer be associated with the Nextel Cup. The only cup that will matter is the one he peed into.