Friday, May 11, 2007

Dale Jr. To Replace Blair As Prime Minister

Yesterday, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and NASCAR icon Dale Earnhardt Jr. made announcements regarding upcoming changes in their lives. Blair will end his 10-year term as Prime Minister, while Dale Jr. will terminate his relationship with Dale Earnhardt Inc. Today it was revealed that those two developments are related. Sources within Parliament have confirmed that Little E will take over for Blair as British Prime Minister.

The development sent shock waves throughout the United Kingdom. It had been assumed that Blair’s successor would be named according to the typical custom. In that scenario, as the majority party in the House of Commons, the Labour Party would choose the new Prime Minister from within its ranks. However, Chevrolet recently obtained the rights to be the exclusive corporate sponsor of Parliament. Under the terms of the contract, Chevy gets to choose the Prime Minister, so Dale Jr. was a natural choice. The company plans to launch an ad campaign, showing images such as Buckingham Palace, Stonehenge, and the White Cliffs of Dover, accompanied with the message, “Now THIS is our country!”

Reaction in London has been overwhelmingly negative. Blair’s popularity plummeted as he was widely viewed as being too eager to please the United States. Now his replacement will be an actual American. Given their rampant anti-Bush sentiments, Brits were infuriated to hear that Dale Jr. has raced in the Busch Series. Also, they expect their politicians to wear a suit and tie – not a red Budweiser uniform.

Rather than June 27, as originally reported, Blair will turn over his position to Earnhardt after the end of the Nextel Cup season. Sure to be disappointed is treasury chief Gordon Brown, who had been expected to be the next Prime Minister. Having a rival named Gordon is nothing new for Junior. In fact, during Brown’s most recent address to the House, Dale’s fans pelted him with beer cans.

Ironically, Little E will be headed to the UK because Dale Earnhardt Inc. was far from a United Kingdom. Animosity between Junior and his stepmother, DEI owner Teresa Earnhardt, had reached the point of no return. Hopefully his relationship with Queen Elizabeth II will be much smoother. Junior does have an understanding of royal figures, as his legendary father was the equal of The King, Richard Petty. Likewise, Elizabeth would fit in with the NASCAR culture. Last week she attended the Kentucky Derby, so she enjoys watching races with tens of thousands of drunken fans. In addition, Elizabeth has acknowledged that she would like to change her title from “Queen” to “England’s Crew Chief.”

Numerous changes are expected when Dale Jr. takes over for Blair. In honor of his father, the famous Prime Minister address of 10 Downing Street will likely be changed to 3 Victory Lane. Parliamentary proceedings at the Palace of Westminster are expected to see a huge increase in tailgating. Debate on issues will begin on the green flag and finish on the checkered flag. A caution flag will be in effect whenever a House member crashes into a wall during debate.

Political observers are eager to see how Earnhardt’s foreign policy evolves. Iraq is a primary concern, with pundits asking, “Where is Little E on the Middle East?” They will also want to know his expertise on foreign trade – not just trading paint. Dale Jr. does have experience in dealing with France, the ruling family of NASCAR. Additionally, the London Olympics are still five years away, but the new Prime Minister is expected to lobby the International Olympic Committee to make stock car racing an Olympic sport.

Junior’s upcoming term continues the intermingling of the USA and UK sports worlds. Manchester United is now principally owned by an American, Malcolm Glazer. British soccer icon David Beckham will soon be suiting up for the Los Angeles Galaxy. Even the Prime Minister position has previously been involved with American sports, as Margaret Thatcher spent a season at power forward for the Milwaukee Bucks.

Before long, Dale Jr.’s focus will shift from racing Tony Stewart to replacing Tony Blair. When that happens, Parliament will get to experience history. Little E will meet Big Ben.