Rex's Possible Replacements

In a move considered long overdue by most Bears fans, this week Chicago head coach Lovie Smith demoted beleaguered quarterback Rex Grossman. While at first glance the decision to make Brian Griese the starter seems appropriate, it’s also far too obvious. Other current Chicago athletes, or figures associated with the Windy City, would have been far more interesting choices. Here’s a look at the QB credentials of a few of these possibilities.


Lou Piniella: As umpires would tell you, the Cubs manager is great at throwing things.

Alfonso Soriano: The perfect situation for him: let him put up big numbers, and you don’t need him to play defense.

Kerry Wood: In case the Bears want to go the “powerful right arm, injury-plagued career” route again.

Steve Bartman: Among Chicago sports fans, he’s probably more popular than Rex.

Ozzie Guillen: Non-stop swearing at the quarterback would be replaced by non-stop swearing BY the quarterback.

A.J. Pierzynski: He can take a hit – assuming Michael Barrett is rushing the QB.

Mark Buehrle: Unlike Rex, when he throws the ball, the opponents usually don’t score.

Joakim Noah: Like Grossman, he’s a Florida Gator who’s now in Chicago. And he actually HELPS his team in a championship game.

Luol Deng: As Northwestern proved two weeks ago, Dukies can win football games in Chicago. Just nowhere else.

Ben Wallace: He’s not known for his offense, but neither is Rex.

Martin Havlát: As the points leader for the Black Hawks, he’d love for Chicago sports fans to actually see him when he scores.

Oprah Winfrey: She reigns supreme on weekday afternoons, so why not do the same on Sunday afternoon?

Peter Cetera: He’s experienced in leading a group called Chicago.

Richard Daley: He’s won six mayoral elections in the Windy City. So at least someone in Chicago knows how to go for six.

Bill Murray: The quarterback position would continue to be a source of comedy.

A By-The-Roman Numerals Guide To Super Bowl XLI

This sports weekend is the relative calm before next week’s storm in Miami. Football fans are bursting with anticipation for the Super Bowl XLI showdown between the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears on February IV. In the spirit of the big event, here’s a by-the-Roman numerals guide to the teams.


I Player from a losing team to be named Super Bowl MVP (Chuck Howley). Since he was a linebacker who lost to the Colts in Miami, Indy hopes Brian Urlacher wins it this time.

II Emmy Awards won by Brian’s Song. Only Brett Favre has made more Bears fans cry.

III Texas Class B state championships won by Bears coach Lovie Smith as a player for Big Sandy High School. Coincidentally, “Big Sandy” is Shaquille O’Neal’s beach volleyball nickname.

IV Jersey number worn by quarterback Jim Harbaugh for both franchises. As the new Stanford coach, it’s also how many touchdowns his opponents will score in an average quarter.

V Game of the MCMLXXXI NLCS in which Rick Monday hit a pennant-winning home run for the Dodgers. With a touchdown in the AFC championship game, Indy’s Jeff Saturday became the second day of the week to be a playoff hero.

VI Return touchdowns this season for Bears rookie Devin Hester. He’s the fastest thing in Chicago since the car chases in The Blues Brothers.

VII Games played in the MCMXCVIII NBA Eastern Conference finals - another high-profile Chicago-Indianapolis matchup. But this time, Indy seems to have the Air advantage.

VIII Consecutive seasons in which Indy’s Marvin Harrison has caught at least X touchdown passes. Among Marvins, only Gaye has done more scoring.

IX Danica Patrick’s standing in last year’s IRL IndyCar Series. Like Peyton Manning, she gets tons of endorsements and draws huge crowds in Indy, but still hasn’t won a title.

X Bears who performed “The Super Bowl Shuffle” in MCMLXXXV. Fortunately, these days you never see rappers who want to hurt people.

XI Seasons Mike Ditka spent as the Bears’ head coach. Like another Iron Mike, he won a title in MCMLXXXVI. But he preferred chewing out quarterbacks to chewing on opponents’ ears.

XII Seasons in which Baltimore lacked an NFL franchise between the Colts’ departure and Ravens’ arrival. Detroit is catching up to that number.

XIII NBA seasons in Larry Bird’s playing career. Like Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri, he nailed lots of III-pointers in New England before heading to Indianapolis.

XIV Points scored by the Bears in the last V minutes of a miracle victory over Arizona. Soon, Dennis Green was what we thought he would be: unemployed.

XV Victories for each Super Bowl team this season, including the playoffs. With St. Louis winning the World Series, the Midwest has been the region of champions lately. Well, not so fast, Buckeyes.

XVI Victory margin for Florida in last year’s NCAA basketball championship game. Since Florida captured a title in Indianapolis, Indianapolis feels entitled to win one in Florida.

XVII Point spread favoring the Colts in Super Bowl III. Also the number of women in Joe Namath’s bed after the game.

XVIII Deficit overcome by the Colts in the AFC championship game. Afterwards, New England coach Bill Belichick was at a loss for words, as he is after every game.

XIX Jersey number of Colts legend Johnny Unitas, who threw a touchdown in a record XLVII consecutive games. Back then, only JFK made more passes.

XX Interceptions thrown by Bears QB Rex Grossman in the regular season. Since he had so many giveaways in Chicago, teammates started calling him Oprah.

XXI Points scored by the Colts in a MMI loss to San Francisco – an otherwise forgettable game worshipped by SportsCenter. Because it brought us Jim Mora’s “PLAYOFFS????”

XXII Career interceptions for Bears legend Dick Butkus, who probably sent someone to the hospital as I was typing this sentence.

XXIII Points for the Colts in the classic MCMLVIII NFL championship victory over the New York Giants, coached by Jim Lee Howell. Immediately after the game, an angry Giants fan launched firejimleehowell.com.

XXIV Categories in which Oscars were awarded for MMII. The Bears will draw inspiration from that event, since Chicago was the big winner.

XXV Record Super Bowl ring size for William “The Refrigerator” Perry. The Fridge plans to loan the ring to Bears kicker Robbie Gould, who will wear it as a helmet.

XXVI Combined points for the Bears in losses to Miami and New England – their only defeats until a meaningless season-ender to Green Bay. They’re still hoping to somehow avoid the AFC at the Super Bowl.

XXVII Career sacks for Alex Brown of the Bears. He hopes to do something considered impossible in Cleveland: a Brown winning a Super Bowl.

XXVIII Jersey number of Indy’s Marlin Jackson, who made the game-clinching interception against New England. He could be the first Marlin to win a title in Miami and not be traded for prospects.

XXIX Years since Affirmed won horse racing’s last triple crown. The ensuing period is familiar to Indy fans: a bunch of Colts falling just short of glory.

XXX Draft position in last year’s Ist round for standout Colts running back Joseph Addai. Three guys from NC State went before him. No, I don’t get it, either.

XXXI Touchdown passes for Peyton Manning during the regular season. He loves to be in the shotgun, unless Chicago’s Tank Johnson points one at him.

XXXII NFL teams to be defeated by Indy’s Tony Dungy – the first head coach to beat every team in the league. Surprisingly, the second was Tony D’Amato - Al Pacino’s character in Any Given Sunday.

XXXIII Age at which Chicago’s Gale Sayers became the youngest inductee into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s so sad to be a has-been at such an early age.

XXXIV Jersey number of Bears legend Walter Payton. If Sweetness were alive today, he’d be dominating on Dancing With the Stars.

XXXV Yardage of late field goal that sealed Indy’s XV – VI playoff victory over the Ravens. To add insult to injury for Baltimore fans, the Colts left the stadium in Mayflower moving trucks.

XXXVI Victory margin for the Bears in Super Bowl XX. Patriots QB Tony Eason still screams Richard Dent’s name in his sleep.

XXXVII Jersey number of Bears fullback Jason McKie. He keeps teammates in stitches by telling them he played football at Temple.

XXXVIII Age of Colts receiver Ricky Proehl, the oldest player on either roster. For nostalgia’s sake, he plans to wear his old leather helmet on Super Sunday.

XXXIX Points for the Bears in the NFC Championship victory over New Orleans. One more score, and the Saints would have become the Martyrs.

XL Seasons in which George Halas was the Bears’ head coach. He lasted that long because he never had to coach T.O.

XLI Points for the Colts in the teams’ last meeting, a XLI - X rout in MMIV. Edgerrin James had CCIV yards rushing, but he’ll be less of a force this time.

Conference Championship Winners, Besides the Colts & Bears

The matchup for Super Bowl XLI is set, as the Indianapolis Colts will take on the Chicago Bears. Sunday was widely noted as a landmark day for Peyton Manning and African-American coaches. Beyond the rosters of the two victorious teams, here are some other winners from the NFL conference championships.


1985 New England Patriots: With a Bears-Patriots matchup narrowly avoided, they won’t get quite as many gruesome reminders of the Super Bowl XX beatdown.

Babe Ruth: The Bambino’s spirit lives on in Adam Vinatieri: a future Hall of Famer who won three titles in New England, then torments Bostonians by helping a rival team reach new heights.

Barack Obama: Victories by Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy prove that African-American leaders in the Midwest can get the job done.

Cleveland Browns Fans: Now Baltimore has to watch a Super Bowl featuring the formerly beloved franchise that skipped town.

Dan Fouts/Warren Moon: With Manning getting past the Patriots, the “greatest quarterback not to reach the Super Bowl” competition has thinned.

FEMA: With the Saints gone, the agency won’t get two weeks of fresh reminders of how much they fouled up in New Orleans.

Hallmark: Having a guy named Lovie in the spotlight in February will provide constant reminders of Valentine’s Day.

Houston Texans: They were the last team to beat Indy. So for the first time, the NFC champ hopes to be like the Texans.

Jim O’Brien: We’ll hear all about the former Baltimore kicker, who made the game-winner in the Colts’ last Super Bowl. No, not the guy who coached hoops at Ohio State, or the other one who coached the Sixers and Celtics, or the Philly weatherman who died while skydiving, or… okay, just forget it.

Non-Sports Fans: Super Bowl parties always include guests who know nothing about the teams but love to watch the commercials. With Peyton in the game, at least they’ll recognize one player.

Saturday Night Live: A new Da Bears sketch just has to be on the way. To keep up with the times, the Superfans will converse with each other in an online chat.

SEC Quarterbacks: Tennessee’s Peyton Manning and Florida’s Rex Grossman defeated Tom Brady and Drew Brees from Big Ten schools. Looks like Chris Leak started a trend.

Stephen Colbert Haters: It was a rough day for the Colbert Report host, who denounces Bears while celebrating Saints and Patriots. Expect the Colts to be on notice.

Sweetness: No offense to Sean Payton, but it would have disrespected Walter’s memory for a Payton to keep the Bears out of the Super Bowl.

Terrell Owens: A big day by Dallas Clark helped Indy to advance. So the critics were wrong when they said, “As long as T.O. is with the Cowboys, Dallas won’t reach the Super Bowl.”

Florida Adds Chicago Bears To Schedule

Gainesville is abuzz these days as the 5-0 Florida Gators embark on a huge October. The fifth-ranked Gators will be tested with showdowns throughout the month. Now the slate has gotten even more challenging. Today coach Urban Meyer announced that Florida has added an October 21 matchup with the Chicago Bears to the schedule.


The additional game rounds out a daunting October for the Gators. This Saturday, they host #9 LSU. The following week, they travel to Auburn to take on the second-ranked Tigers. October 28 brings the annual hostilities in Jacksonville with #10 Georgia. With all that excitement, the open date on the 21st stuck out like a sore thumb. Therefore, athletic department officials looked for the best opponent available, and that weekend happened to coincide with the bye on Chicago’s schedule. Coach Lovie Smith agreed to take his Monsters of the Midway to The Swamp. Now the marketing department for UF football is billing October as “Bulldogs and Tigers and Bears – Oh My!”


Many NFL insiders are stunned that Chicago would choose to play the game. With the physical toll on players during the course of the season, the bye week allows a valuable opportunity to rest and recover from injuries. However, the 4-0 Bears are considered major contenders for the Super Bowl, to be played in Miami. The trip to Gainesville will allow them to get acclimated to playing in the Sunshine State. Also, the following two games on Chicago’s schedule are matchups at home versus the San Francisco 49ers and Miami Dolphins. So those are basically bye weeks anyway.


The game’s predominant storyline will be the return of Bears quarterback and former Gator Rex Grossman to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Grossman has been excellent so far this season, as Soldier Field’s long-standing ban on quality quarterbacks has apparently been lifted. UF is also well-represented on Chicago’s fearsome defense with end Alex Brown, nose tackle Ian Scott, and safety Todd Johnson. Florida quarterback Chris Leak is hoping that their love for the university will cause them to go easy on him, allowing him to rack up big numbers and enhance his Heisman chances. Unfortunately for Leak, however, Brian Urlacher went to New Mexico.


The showdown will represent the most anticipated Florida-Chicago matchup since the 2003 National League Championship Series. Windy City fans will be eager for payback, having experienced heartbreak as the Marlins overcame a 3-1 deficit to end the Cubs’ World Series dreams. Inspired by that series, Meyer has invited Steve Bartman to suit up as a defensive back for the Gators. The Florida coach feels that Bartman can consistently deflect balls away from Chicago players.


At first glance, it may seem absurd for a college team to take the field against a Super Bowl contender like the Bears. The Gators’ task is even more daunting in light of Chicago’s 37-6 mauling of the defending NFC champion Seattle Seahawks. However, Florida has many reasons for being confident about an upset. The Gators have already won at Tennessee, where a team called the Bears (California) was thrashed. Also, while a bear usually would be expected to win a fight against a gator, the one place a gator has a chance is in The Swamp.


Most importantly, Florida is certain that it can take advantage of Chicago cornerback Ricky Manning, Jr. He played college football at UCLA, a school that in April was blown out by Florida in a notable sporting event. Also, despite a home loss to Ole Miss in 2003, the Gators are always eager to welcome a Manning to The Swamp.


Florida will have its hands full before then with LSU and Auburn. After those SEC showdowns, most prognosticators will expect the Bears to have their way on October 21. If the Gators do lose that day, they can take solace from a November visitor to Gainesville – South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier. That Gator couldn’t beat NFL teams, either.

Bears To Play Without Quarterback On Sunday

The Chicago Bears have been the NFL’s biggest surprise this season with a 9–3 record.  The league-best defense has been so dominant, the Bears have flourished despite a nonexistent passing game.  The formula has worked so well, the team has officially abandoned any plans to throw the ball this week.  Chicago will take on the Pittsburgh Steelers this Sunday without a quarterback.

 

Due to a preseason injury to Rex Grossman, rookie Kyle Orton has started 11 games for the Bears this season.  Most quarterbacks, even well-regarded ones, struggle as rookies, and Orton is no exception.  He ranks dead last in the league with a quarterback rating of 60.2 – roughly equal to the average number of shots attempted by Kobe Bryant in a game.  The Bears average the fewest passing yards in the NFL with a paltry 122.1 yards per contest.

 

However, Chicago is fifth in the league in rushing yards per game, and the defense has allowed fewer points and total yardage than any other unit.  Therefore, Orton’s role has been to “manage the offense.”  This phrase is code for “You are NOT Peyton Manning!  Don’t try to be a hero, and as long as you don’t throw a pick-six, Brian Urlacher will let you live!”  One broadcaster noted that it is not Orton’s job to make plays.  He then used the phrase “make plays” 46 more times in accordance with NFL commentator guidelines.

 

Last week’s win over Green Bay showed exactly how irrelevant the quarterback position is to the Bears.  Orton completed 6 of 17 passes for 68 yards, with one interception.  Their only touchdown came on a 45–yard interception return by Nathan Vasher.  Realizing that the team’s eight-game winning streak required no contribution from the quarterback, head coach Lovie Smith decided to do away with the position this Sunday.  Instead, Vasher, who earlier this season returned a missed field goal for a record 108–yard touchdown, likely will line up as the extra man in Chicago’s backfield.

 

The Bears defense is on such a roll, the move figures to make little difference in the team’s game plan.  The unit has allowed just five touchdowns during the winning streak and a league-low 127 points for the season – 35 fewer than #2 Indianapolis.  As a result, the defense has drawn inevitable comparisons to the legendary 1985 Bears – absent the lousy rap video.  The one downside is that the unit is so fearsome, it has even intimidated the Chicago offense.

 

Sunday’s matchup in Pittsburgh will be a test.  The Steelers are desperate for a victory to boost their playoff hopes.  Also, the Bears are 1–2 versus the NFC North this season, with early losses to the Bengals and Browns.  Yes, the Browns – I’m not kidding.  Seriously, look it up if you don’t believe me.  Anyway, this time around, Chicago is a wiser team – one that knows better than to play a quarterback.