All About the Turners For Chargers

Next weekend, the Indianapolis Colts were supposed to have another AFC Championship showdown with the New England Patriots. However, the San Diego Chargers will make the trip to Foxborough instead, after closing out the RCA Dome with a 28-24 upset on Sunday. The triumph provided vindication for first-year coach Norv Turner, whose predecessor Marty Schottenheimer never took San Diego to the conference championship game. Among other unlikely heroes, Norv can thank backup running back Michael Turner, who replaced injured star LaDainian Tomlinson and rushed for 71 yards. Indeed, the Turner influence is all around for these Chargers.


Tina Turner once sang, “We don’t need another hero,” but San Diego needed heroes wherever it could find them after LT was injured. Missing their superstar, the Chargers were like Turner & Hooch without Tom Hanks. Michael Turner is considered a fine back, but in Pirates of the Caribbean terms, he’s the Will Turner next to LT’s Captain Jack Sparrow. Quarterback Philip Rivers was also knocked out, so Norv Turner figured to meet the same fate versus the Indianapolis defense as brother Ron Turner, offensive coordinator for Chicago in last year’s Super Bowl. Granted, Ron Turner’s problem was that HIS quarterback stayed healthy.


Still, the Chargers persevered before the cameras of CBS, not to be confused with TBS (Turner Broadcasting System). Led by Shawne Merriman and Antonio Cromartie, the defense was as hard-hitting as Ike Turner. Whereas Lana Turner was Oscar-nominated for Peyton Place, San Diego gave an award-worthy performance in Peyton’s place. The improbable result was the biggest win in San Diego sports since the Padres took down the Braves in the 1998 NLCS, to the chagrin of Ted Turner.


Now, with an injured roster headed to New England, the Chargers will need some Strong Medicine for their Northern Exposure (both series starring Janine Turner). On February 3, most NFL fans expect Tom Brady to collect his fourth Super Bowl ring, like former San Francisco linebacker Keena Turner. However, San Diego wants to pull a shocker like the Jets in Super Bowl III, in which Jim Turner kicked three field goals and an extra point. Speaking of those Jets, I guarantee Joe Namath wants to kiss Kathleen Turner.


Indeed, like Bachman Turner Overdrive, the Chargers vow, “You ain’t seen nothing yet” as they attempt to knock off the undefeated Patriots. If they succeed, just one step will remain. Or in the profound words of Warrant (founded by Erik Turner), “Heaven isn’t too far away.”

Adrians & Petersons

This week in the NFL was supposed to be all about the showdown between the Colts and Patriots. And the best running back in the Chargers-Vikings matchup was assumed to be LaDainian Tomlinson. But Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson proved to be the top star on Sunday. The rookie standout from Oklahoma rushed for 296 yards, one more than the previous single-game record held by Jamal Lewis. In honor of the historic achievement, here’s how Adrian Peterson compares to other Adrians and Petersons.


Adrian Peterson: Has won once in Soldier Field this season.
Adrian Peterson (the one on the Bears): Has won once in Soldier Field this season.

Adrian Gonzalez: Hit over .300 for San Diego in 2006.
Adrian Peterson: Almost hit 300 yards vs. San Diego in 2007.

Norm Peterson: Buddies shouted “Norm!” to him in Cheers.
Adrian Peterson: Fans shouted cheers to him in Norman.

Adrian Dantley: NBA Rookie of the Year in 1977.
Adrian Peterson: Will be NFL Rookie of the Year in 2007.

Adrian Pasdar: Heroes star who appeals to sci-fi geeks.
Adrian Peterson: Gridiron star who appeals to fantasy geeks.

William Petersen: Puts up huge numbers on CBS on Thursday nights.
Adrian Peterson: Put up huge numbers on CBS on Sunday afternoon.

Adrian Balboa: Husband Rocky’s victories brought joy to Philadelphia.
Adrian Peterson: Last week, opposing Eagles’ victory brought joy to Philadelphia.

Adrian Peterson: On draft day, skeptics focused on his injured collarbone.
Cassandra Peterson: AKA Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, so observers focus on two of her body parts.

Adrian Beltre: As a Dodger, was runner-up for the 2004 MVP.
Adrian Peterson: As a Sooner, was runner-up for the 2004 Heisman.

Adrian Peterson: Young man who likes to score.
Adrian Lyne: Director of Lolita, about a young girl who likes to score.

Morris Peterson: First-year Hornet who plays next to Chris Paul.
Adrian Peterson: First-year Viking who plays next to St. Paul.

Adrian Peterson: On the wrong side of last year’s Fiesta Bowl classic.
Chris Petersen: Boise State coach on the right side of last year’s Fiesta Bowl classic.

Adrian Young: Drummer for No Doubt on “Hella Good” and “Running.”
Adrian Peterson: No doubt, a hell of a good running back.

Adrian Peterson: Father was recently released from prison.
Scott Peterson: Will never get released from prison.

Adrian Zmed: Huge star in the mid-80s.
Adrian Peterson: Huge star who was born in the mid-80s.

Julian Peterson: Bolsters the Seattle Seahawks defense.
Adrian Peterson: Flusters every NFC defense.

Wolfgang Petersen: Directed the movie smash Troy.
Adrian Peterson: In the Orange Bowl, was smashed by the men of Troy.

Adrian Grenier: Hit the jackpot as Vincent Chase.
Adrian Peterson: Hits paydirt while defenders give chase.

Celtics Hire Schottenheimer As Head Coach

On Monday, San Diego Chargers president Dean Spanos fired Marty Schottenheimer as the team’s head coach. The move resulted primarily due to Scottenheimer’s dysfunctional relationship with general manager A.J. Smith. However, the coach was not out of a job for long. Today, the downtrodden Boston Celtics hired Schottenheimer as their new head coach.


Schottenheimer replaces Doc Rivers, who was demoted to an assistant position rather than fired. Executive director of basketball operations Danny Ainge felt that keeping the former coach around would benefit Marty, who is accustomed to being in charge of a guy named Rivers. Schottenheimer jumped at the opportunity to coach the Celtics, since he’s been spent the past month wishing he could have seen a New England team lose. He is hoping that Chargers star LaDainian Tomlinson will watch his new team play, since there is no danger that LT will have to witness an excessive victory celebration.


The Boston roster has many familiar elements for the new coach. The Celtics include Delonte West, while San Diego is in the AFC West. Gerald Green will compete in this weekend’s NBA Slam Dunk Contest, while the Chargers also showcase a Jammer (Quentin). San Diego tight end Antonio Gates, a former Kent State hoops player, has something in common with the entire Celtics roster. His days of playing competitive basketball are in the past.


Other elements of the NBA franchise are reminiscent of San Diego. The Celtics have already lost 21 home games at TD Banknorth Garden. Marty habitually associates the number 21 with the letters TD. At times, Boston’s Paul Pierce is a lights-out shooter, while Charger Shawne Merriman is called “Lights Out” and shoots up. As for the Celtics’ familiar leprechaun mascot, Schottenheimer will go from a Merriman to a merry man.


Currently on an 18-game losing streak, Boston’s numerous shortcomings are familiar to the new coach. Last week, Schottenheimer saw defensive coordinator Wade Phillips leave to become the Dallas Cowboys’ head coach. Like the Chargers, the Celtics wish they could have a guy named Wade. In December, Boston failed to land Allen Iverson, who wound up with the Nuggets. Marty knows all about feeling disappointment after losing out to a Denver team. The Celtics’ last championship in 1986 does diverge from the Super Bowl-deprived coach. That Boston team was coached by K.C. Jones and featured Robert “Chief” Parish. With Schottenheimer, the K.C. Chiefs were not able to win a title.


Most NBA observers do not expect Schottenheimer to reverse the Celtics’ fortunes, as “Marty Ball” seemingly will lead to more defeats. Under this strategy, the Boston players will stay on the ground during the fourth quarter, rarely choosing to pass the ball. Skeptics claim that the team is intentionally courting losses in order to maximize its opportunities in the NBA draft lottery, seeking to land Greg Oden or Kevin Durant. However, there is no guarantee that the ping pong balls will go the Celtics’ way. With Marty around, those balls might even be fumbled away by Ernest Byner.


Schottenheimer will make his NBA coaching debut on Wednesday, when the Celtics host the Milwaukee Bucks. It remains to be seen how the Boston fans will receive him, but they do agree with Marty on one thing. They hate that the Lombardi Trophy is in Indy.

An "LT" Tribute To LaDainian Tomlinson's Record

Sunday in San Diego, Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson broke the NFL single-season record for touchdowns in a 48-20 victory over the Denver Broncos. His third score of the contest gave him 29 on the season with three games remaining. Like Lawrence Taylor, Tomlinson is an LT who will wind up in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. To pay tribute to Tomlinson’s record, here is how some other LT’s relate to the San Diego Super Charger.


Lofa Tatupu: The Seattle Seahawks linebacker is a teammate of the previous record-holder, Shaun Alexander - a reminder that the best hope to contain LT is to put him on the cover of Madden NFL 08.

Lee Trevino: The golfing great won six major championships during his career. LT can relate to an athlete who knows how to get six.

Lubbock, Texas: Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight will also break a record soon. After he screams at the record and throws it across the court.

Liv Tyler: She appeared in the Lord of the Rings films. LT wants a ring of his own, and he’s much better in the open field than Frodo.

Louisiana Tech: The school’s Karl Malone was like LT as a high-scoring future Hall of Famer. However, a SportsCenter commercial showed that LT cannot be a Mailman.

Lawrence Tureaud: That’s the birth name of Mr. T, who pities the fool who tries to tackle LT.

Lincoln Tunnel: The tunnel goes under the Hudson River. LT lines up behind Philip Rivers.

Lucy’s Trickery: Unlike Charlie Brown, LT can score because Lucy doesn’t keep the ball away from him.

LSU Tigers: They ended last season with a bowl victory over Miami. LT hopes to end this season with a Bowl victory IN Miami.

Lakers-Toronto: Like LT, Kobe Bryant put up ridiculous numbers when these teams met in January. Even LT can’t score 81 points in a game – well, maybe against the Raiders.

Leaning Tower: When trying to tackle LT, defenders are as off-balance as the Pisa landmark.

Liz Taylor: With 29 touchdowns, LT has equaled Taylor’s number of husbands.

Lake Tahoe: The ski resorts will be busy in early February, as LT hopes to be.

Love Train: The party song plays as the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train brings freezing conditions. This might be the only way to cool off LT.

Lawrence Tynes: The Kansas City Chiefs kicker gave LT his last loss with a 53-yard field goal with six seconds remaining on October 22. Next Sunday, LT can give KC’s playoff hopes the boot.

Leo Tolstoy: LT is a rusher who easily goes over 1000 yards. Tolstoy was a Russian who easily went over 1000 pages.

Left Tackle: That’s the position of San Diego rookie starter Marcus McNeill. His team is 11-2, and he blocks for a guy who spends most of the game in the end zone. I think Marcus likes the NFL.

Lap-Top: Computers are influenced by Bill Gates, while LT is helped by Antonio Gates. In either setting, you’ll have crashes.

Looney Tunes: Defenders have the same success in trapping LT as Wile E. Coyote does with the Road Runner.

Lily Tomlin: On The West Wing, she worked with Martin Sheen, who received six Emmy nominations as President Bartlet but never won the award. LT also works with a Marty who finds trophies to be elusive.

Lessons From Philly

Sunday the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the San Diego Chargers 20–17 in a dramatic contest at Lincoln Financial Field.  Here are a few things we learned from this game.

 

The Chargers desperately need a running back.  The guy they had in the backfield rushed for only 7 yards on 17 carries.  Some very confused broadcasters referred to him as LT, but we all know that LT is in the Hall of Fame and consistently dominated the Eagles when he played.  Look for San Diego to start a new back next week.

 

Records held by Reading High School alumni are unbreakable.  It has been brought to my attention that the Chargers running back (apparently named Tomlinson) actually did pretty well in other games, scoring a touchdown in a record-tying 18 consecutive contests.  However, after the Eagles kept him out of the end zone, he still shares the record with Baltimore Colts great Lenny Moore.  Like myself, Moore is a Reading High School graduate, so I have the rare opportunity to work the alma mater into the blog.  Go Red Knights!

 

Hernias are good for setting records.  Donovan McNabb, playing through a sports hernia that will require surgery, set a team record with 35 completions.  This milestone was achieved in large part due to the next lesson…

 

The Eagles have removed runs from the playbook.  McNabb threw 54 passes, while Philadelphia only had 14 rushing attempts.  Excluding McNabb’s scrambles and kneel-downs, that number falls to 10.  Except for Brian Westbrook, look for all running backs to be dropped from the Eagles’ roster.

 

Crossing the country to beat a Super Bowl team once is a cakewalk.  Twice is pushing it.  On October 2, the Chargers routed the Patriots 41–17 in New England.  They were not able to accomplish the double in Philly.

 

NFL wide receivers want to be waiters.  After scoring the first touchdown of the game, Terrell Owens pulled out a towel and acted as though he were “serving” the ball to a customer in an upscale restaurant.  Chargers receiver Keenan McCardell mimicked this action after he caught a touchdown pass of his own.  So, if NFL wide receivers want to be waiters, and waiters want to be actors, then actors want to be NFL wide receivers.  Why not?  It got Cuba Gooding, Jr. an Oscar.

 

Playing college football is overrated.  San Diego’s star tight end Antonio Gates had eight catches for 72 yards and a touchdown.  Gates did play in college – basketball for Kent State.  However, he never played football for the Golden Flashes.  No matter what sport, he apparently favors teams with electrical nicknames.

 

False fire alarms are great for fourth quarter rallies.  With the Chargers leading 17–13 in the fourth quarter, an alarm was tripped on the club suite level.  As a result, a voice came over the public address system, requesting those present to exit in an orderly fashion.  What could possibly go wrong when a false alarm goes off in a stadium filled with 67,000 tense fans, many of them intoxicated?  In any case, the Eagles’ rally may lead to a tradition of false alarms when trailing at home in the fourth quarter.  As the Angels used the Rally Monkey, the Eagles will rely on the False Alarm Ferret.

 

Never rely on a perfect kicker in the last three minutes.  San Diego led 17–13 with 2:37 remaining when it lined up for a 40–yard field goal attempt.  Kicker Nate Kaeding had converted all 11 field goal attempts and all 22 extra-point attempts this season.  Naturally, Philadelphia blocked the kick and returned it for the winning touchdown.  Who didn’t see that coming?

 

I hope these lessons have helped you.  There’s no need to thank me – just pass along the knowledge to others.