Chalmers & Other Marios

Thanks to the biggest three-pointer of his life, Kansas guard Mario Chalmers is on top of the sports world today. Chalmers sent the NCAA championship game into overtime against Memphis, with his Jayhawks ultimately prevailing 75-68. The “Super Mario” label is both obvious and fitting in this situation. How does Chalmers compare to other famous Marios? Let’s take a look.


Mario Lopez: Slater on Saved By the Bell.
Mario Chalmers: Jayhawks’ savior before the buzzer.

Mario Elie: Won a championship with San Antonio in 1999.
Mario Chalmers: Won a championship in San Antonio in 2008.

Mario Chalmers: Shoots the ball into the net and gets steals.
Mario Lemieux: Shot the puck into the net in the Steel City.

Mario Mendoza: Mendoza Line inspiration who knew all about futility.
Mario Chalmers: Cousin Lionel knew all about futility, playing for the Clippers.

Mario Lavandeira (aka Perez Hilton): Preys on celebrities’ self-esteem.
Mario Chalmers: Praised and esteemed by Bill Self.

Mario Chalmers: Cold-blooded shooter at the end of regulation.
Mario Puzo: Godfather author who wrote about cold-blooded shooters.

Mario (the singer): Competitor on this season’s Dancing With the Stars.
Mario Chalmers: Star competitor in this season’s Big Dance.

Mario Batali: Food Network chef who thrives with spices.
Mario Chalmers: KU guard who survived against Curry.

Mario Lanza: Famous tenor of the 50’s whose singing lives on.
Mario Chalmers: Thanks to One Shining Moment, heroics will live on in song.

Mario Chalmers: Rallied late to be #1 over Memphis.
Mario Williams: Rallied late to be #1 over Reggie Bush.

Mario Ančić: As last man to beat Federer at Wimbledon, disrupted with his racquet.
Mario Chalmers: Disrupted lots of brackets.

Mario Chalmers: Plays on the same team as Brandon Rush.
Mario Cuomo: Liberal icon who’s never on the same side as Rush.

Mario Andretti: Was known for his fast driving.
Mario Chalmers: More known for his shooting than his driving. Especially now.

Memphis vs. Kansas: An NCAA Championship Breakdown

After surprisingly lopsided semifinal victories, Memphis and Kansas will square off for the NCAA men’s basketball championship on Monday night. The Jayhawks are seeking their first national championship since 1988, while the Tigers look to claim the first NCAA title in school history. For an insightful analysis of the respective rosters, well, you’re in the wrong place. As for my breakdown, here we go:


Mascots: A Jayhawk is a mythical creature, but a Tiger is real and can rip you to shreds. The one similarity? Tigers and Jayhawks have both recently inflicted damage on someone named Roy. Advantage: Memphis.

Past NBA Stars: Penny Hardaway had moments of greatness after his college career at Memphis. But no one could score like KU’s Wilt Chamberlain. He was a great hoops player too. Advantage: Kansas.

Jim Nantz: Whether it’s Augusta or San Antonio, it’s natural for him to proclaim “a Tiger championship” in early April. Advantage: Memphis.

Republican Presidential Candidates: Bob Dole, who attended KU, was waxed like a 16-seed in the 1996 election. But unlike Memphis alum Fred Thompson, at least he got the nomination. Advantage: Kansas.

FedEx: Memphis plays its home games at the FedEx Forum and won the Conference USA tournament there. On the other hand, Kansas won the FedEx Orange Bowl against actual competition. Advantage: Kansas.

School Mottos: U of M’s appropriately succinct motto is translated as “Dreamers. Thinkers. Doers.” KU’s is translated as, “I will see this great vision in which the bush does not burn.” Commenting on whoever came up with that motto, John Kerry remarked, “Man, that guy was long-winded!” Advantage: Memphis.

City Landmarks: Allen Fieldhouse is a basketball treasure, but unlike Graceland, it doesn’t display sequined jumpsuits worn by Elvis. Advantage: Memphis.

Fab Five: The last time a team with a starting point guard named Rose was in the finals, Jalen lost two straight championship games. At least Derrick will only have one opportunity. Advantage: Kansas.

Major League Baseball: There are no Hawks in the Majors, but the Jays are 4-2. Meanwhile, the Tigers are still winless. Advantage: Kansas.

Mathematics: According to Wikipedia, U of M’s mathematics department has more Erdos number 1 mathematicians than any other research institution in the world. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds impressive, and it mentions “number 1.” Advantage: Memphis.

Jacque Vaughn: The former KU point guard won a ring with the Spurs last year. So Jayhawks know how to win championships in San Antonio. Advantage: Kansas.

Coaches’ Names: “Calipari” sounds like a fried seafood appetizer. But “Self” is a lousy name for someone who wants to promote teamwork. Advantage: Memphis.

Classic Rock: One team is named Kansas, with a star named Rush. And “Rock” is part of its famous chant. The other has CDR, but not CCR. Advantage: Kansas.

Mayors: Lawrence’s mayor is Sue Hack, whose last name suggests foul trouble. W.W. Herenton is the mayor of Memphis, and the whole point of this weekend in San Antonio is to string two W’s together. Advantage: Memphis.

I Love the 80’s: Memphis last made the Final Four in 1985, when it was still Memphis State. But Danny Manning led the Jayhawks all the way in 1988. Back then, a Manning could win a title and NOT be in a zillion commercials. Advantage: Kansas.


Tallying up the results, it’s Kansas 8, Memphis 7. So Monday night, it will be a Rock Chalk Jayhawk Riverwalk.

Ones' Shining Moment

Despite a valiant effort by Davidson, next weekend’s Final Four is only open to the Goliaths. North Carolina, Memphis, UCLA, and Kansas will be part of the first Final Four comprised entirely of #1 seeds. At times the pace will be as fast as Formula One, but the basketball will be far more disciplined than AND1. Clearly the number one will be predominant in San Antonio. In honor of the occasion, here’s a look at the many ways in which “One/1” relates to this Final Four.


Point awarded for making a free throw, which Memphis actually can do.

Three Dog Night song noted for the line “One is the loneliest number.” Obviously they didn’t foresee this Final Four.

Years Derrick Rose and Kevin Love will spend in college. Despite references to Love and a Rose, the previous sentence was not meant to be romantic.

2001 film (The One) starring Jet Li, featuring nearly as much action as Saturday’s Kansas-North Carolina semifinal.

UCLA titles since John Wooden retired in 1975. That trophy was claimed in 1995 by Jim Harrick, who is eager to re-enter the ranks of crooked coaches.

Jersey number of Marcus Ginyard for North Carolina and Willie Kemp for Memphis. So even if they lose this weekend, they can still claim to be number one.

U2 hit song from the early 90s, back when Roy Williams was coaching the Jayhawks AGAINST the Tar Heels in Final Fours.

Losses for Memphis this season – a February defeat to Tennessee. The Tigers did slightly better against the other UT on Sunday.

Shots missed, out of 22, by Bill Walton in the biggest UCLA-Memphis game of all time – the 1973 NCAA Championship. Commenting from the future, broadcaster Bill Walton remarked, “What a HORRIBLE miss!”

Name of a global campaign to fight poverty. These teams will do their part by producing rich NBA players.

Players on these squads with a national championship ring (Quentin Thomas). So Quentin Thomas could become the first UNC player ever to win two national titles. That’s right, I said Quentin Thomas.

Moniker (“The One”) for Neo in The Matrix. Expect Saturday’s coaches to wear dark sunglasses to go with their suits.

Members of Conference USA who made the NCAA Tournament, meaning that Conference USA is undefeated in the Big Dance.

Signature tune from the Broadway smash A Chorus Line. This week, Broadway will feature college hoops’ number one from 2006 and 2007, as the Gators try to be #66 in 2008.

Number symbolized by those big foam fingers, which were developed in response to lackluster sales of “We’re number 3” foam products.

Previous Final Fours for John Calipari, as well as the number of press conferences in which an opposing coach threatened to kill him.

Hit single recorded by Metallica in the spring of 1988. Kansas fans appreciate any reference to the spring of 1988.

Numeric designation for point guard, as well as the round in which Derrick Rose, Darren Collison, and Ty Lawson will be drafted in June.

Atomic number of hydrogen. In honor of the student-athletes, I figured I’d put something educational in here.

Combined NCAA championships for the four coaches (Williams in 2005). I’ll go out on a limb and say that they’ll combine for another by next Monday night.

Name of a compilation album for The Beatles. Like John, Paul, George, and Ringo, this weekend’s participants comprise a Fab Four.

Games these teams will play at a time, assuming they know their clichés.

Division in which these teams play. Thankfully, the phrase “Bowl Subdivision” doesn’t apply to hoops.

Saturday For The Tigers - Great In The SEC, Miserable Elsewhere

Of all sports nicknames, “Tigers” is one of the most common. Since we’re in February, the Detroit Tigers are not yet in action. However, the college basketball world offered plenty of Tigers on Saturday. Their success depended entirely on what conference to which they belonged. It was a huge day for Tigers in the SEC, but depressing for all the other Tigers.


The LSU Tigers made the biggest splash with a 66-56 stunner over #3 Florida in Baton Rouge. Although the game matched two of last year’s Final Four, the Bayou Bengals were heavy underdogs as they entered with 9 losses in their previous 10 games. However, they got 18 points from Terry Martin and 17 from Garrett Temple, and they shut down the high-powered Gators on the defensive end. The Tigers even pulled off the shocker without leading scorer and rebounder Glen “Big Baby” Davis. Official reports attributed his absence to a pulled right quadriceps. Reportedly, as a Baby who attracts media attention, Davis was also distracted by rumors that a celebrity would try to adopt him.


Staying in the SEC, the Auburn Tigers finished off a season sweep of #25 Alabama with an 86-77 victory in Tuscaloosa. In 21 of its previous 22 trips to enemy territory, Auburn had gone home as Tusca-Losers. However, Quan Prowell and Korvotney Barber each scored 17 points to put the Crimson Tide’s NCAA tournament hopes in jeopardy. Responding to another loss to the hated rival school, Bama fired Mike Shula again.


Unfortunately for other Tigers, such good fortune did not extend outside the SEC. The Clemson Tigers continued their slide with a 59-54 setback at Boston College. On January 13, Clemson was 17-0 as it entered a road contest at Maryland. Things have changed quite a bit from that day, when the San Diego Chargers were the Super Bowl favorites and Britney Spears had hair. Beginning with a loss in College Park, the Tigers have dropped 9 of 11 to slip to the wrong side of the bubble. Exxon once had a slogan, “Put a tiger in your tank.” For Clemson the past six weeks, it’s been “Watch the Tigers as they tank.”


The Missouri Tigers also absorbed a bitter road defeat. Entering Saturday on a three-game winning streak, Missouri fell 82-77 in overtime at Nebraska. The setback dashed the Tigers’ faint NCAA tournament hopes, and not just because they dropped to 6-8 in Big XII play. By rule, any team that gets swept by Nebraska is automatically ineligible for the Big Dance.


All other Division I Tigers in action on Saturday went down to defeat. The Towson Tigers lost to Drexel. The Pacific Tigers did likewise to Cal State Northridge. The Princeton Tigers fell short at Harvard. And the SWAC provided a double-whammy to its Tigers, as Grambling succumbed to Arkansas-Pine Bluff and Jackson State could not handle Mississippi Valley State. You could argue that Princeton’s loss to the Crimson was cancelled out by Auburn’s win over the Crimson Tide. Plus, Towson, Grambling, and Jackson State had to deal with Dragons, Golden Lions, and Delta Devils, respectively. Those creatures sound pretty scary, but all Pacific had to do was maul a bunch of Matadors. That should be a breeze for Tigers.


The most high-profile of all Tigers had a disappointing Saturday because he was NOT in action. Tiger Woods was absent from the WGC Accenture Match Play Championship after being eliminated by Nick O’Hern in Friday’s third round. Woods is human, so his winning streak on the PGA Tour was bound to end sometime. However, the real loser was NBC, which will settle for the Geoff Ogilvy-Henrik Stenson final on Sunday. Ogilvy actually has great credentials, having won this event last year before capturing the U.S. Open. However, one NBC Sports executive asked, “Ogilvy??? Isn’t he the brainiac kid in The Bad News Bears?” Then the executive resumed his heavy drinking.


The Memphis Tigers also missed out by not seeing action on Saturday. The Conference USA schedule brings Memphis a guaranteed win every game, so John Calipari’s crew did not get their regular dose of victory this Saturday. Fortunately for the Tigers, they resume action Sunday at home against Houston. Memphis’s 13-0 league start has included 12 double-digit victories. Not that they need an edge, but the Tigers will even get to host the conference tournament at the FedEx Forum. Aware of the lack of suspense the tournament will bring, Conference USA officials are debating whether to market the event as “Bored in the USA” or “Disgraceland.”


As for Saturday, the glory belonged to the Tigers from LSU and Auburn. Last weekend, both schools were represented at NBA All-Star Weekend, as Auburn’s Charles Barkley outran Dick Bavetta, and LSU’s Shaquille O’Neal started for the Eastern Conference. Although Shaq’s team lost the game, both these former Tigers left Vegas as winners. Because neither guy hung out with Pacman Jones.