Howards' End

The legendary Howard Cosell was known for “telling it like it is.” If he were alive today, Cosell would have some harsh words regarding his namesakes in the American sports world. Right now, it’s a tough time to be a Howard.


That statement has been particularly true in the NBA playoffs. The first team eliminated was the Orlando Magic, led by Dwight Howard. Orlando was given little chance against the top-seeded Detroit Pistons, but Magic fans had to be disappointed in getting swept. While Howard provides hope for the future, the franchise has not won a playoff series since Shaquille O’Neal left for Los Angeles in 1996. Besides Shaq’s departure, the drought most likely resulted because God is punishing Orlando for pushing boy bands onto the world.


Apparently, the secret to victory by a #8 seed was to have a Howard in the opponent’s starting lineup. Even with Josh Howard averaging over 20 points, the Dallas Mavericks were stunned by the Golden State Warriors in six games. On the bright side for Howard, the name most associated with this loss was a bit more German-sounding. Although he will almost certainly win the MVP award, Dirk Nowitzki will face ongoing “can’t win the big one” scrutiny. After his 2-for-13 performance in Game 6, MVP stands for “Making Vacation Plans.”


The Mavericks weren’t the only Texas team to be undone by the Howard affliction. Despite playing at home for game 7, the Houston Rockets fell 103-99 to the Utah Jazz, ending the season of Juwan Howard. The headlines are about Tracy McGrady’s playoff defeats, but Juwan’s demise means a clean sweep of the NBA Howards. League officials are fortunate that David Stern is in charge, rather than Howard Stern.


The Howard effect is not limited to the basketball court. 2006 National League MVP Ryan Howard is currently batting .198 as his Philadelphia Phillies head into tonight’s series-ender with the San Francisco Giants. Last year he slugged 58 home runs, but now he’s living below the Mendoza Line. His cold stretch has led to something unbelievable in San Francisco this weekend. He’s a huge, left-handed home run champ, but no one thinks he’s on steroids.


Considering the struggles of Howards, you might think the Detroit Red Wings tempted fate by recalling goaltender Jimmy Howard on Thursday. However, the Red Wings already have future Hall of Famer Dominik Hašek in net, backed up by Chris Osgood. Hašek is a two-time Hart Trophy winner as the league MVP. Still, he has never been more valuable than he is now, because his presence keeps a Howard out of action.


NFL teams surely have taken note of the Howard effect. In last week’s draft, not one player named Howard was chosen throughout the seven rounds. Even Green Bay was scared, despite capturing Super Bowl XXXI thanks to Desmond Howard. Additionally, just to be safe, no team drafted a player from Howard University. If Brady Quinn had been named Brady Howard, he might still be sitting in Radio City Music Hall.


The Howard struggles do not seem to be in effect outside the American sports world. Goaltender Tim Howard was victorious Saturday, as his Everton club defeated Portsmouth 3-0 in an important English Premier League match. Also, Spider-Man 3 is on its way to a runaway box office triumph, despite the presence of Bryce Dallas Howard. In addition to nullifying the Howard effect, the film provides the weekend’s only opportunity to put “triumph” and “Dallas” in the same sentence.


As for the Howards in American sports, perhaps Ryan can soon turn things around. As another Howard (Jones) once sang, “Things can only get better.” If they don’t soon, Ryan Howard may echo Network character Howard Beale: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

Ryan & Other Howards

The Philadelphia Phillies are in the thick of the National League wild card chase thanks largely to the phenomenal efforts of first baseman Ryan Howard. The left-handed slugger leads the majors with 53 home runs and 134 RBI. As last year’s National League Rookie of the Year, Ryan joined Frank Howard of the 1960 Los Angeles Dodgers as the second Howard to receive that honor. He almost certainly will capture the National League home run and RBI titles, as Howard Johnson did for the New York Mets in 1991. Also, like Elston Howard with the 1963 New York Yankees, Ryan hopes to receive a Most Valuable Player award.

Ryan certainly chose the right sport, although he might feel at home in the NBA alongside Dwight, Josh, and Juwan Howard. Inside and outside the sports world, Ryan’s links to other well-known Howards are extensive. Below are just a few examples.


Ron Howard: Ryan passed Ralph Kiner for the most home runs by a second-year player. Ron, as Richie Cunningham, always outshone Ralph Malph.

Bryce Dallas Howard: A favorite of M. Night Shyamalan, Bryce is a redhead who frequently works in the Philly area. Just like the previous Phillie to win MVP, Mike Schmidt.

Howard Stern: The shock-jock has offended millions, but lately no one has been more offensive than Ryan.

Howard Dean: As chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Dean can provide Ryan with great advice on landing the wild card. No one knows more about finishing second.

Moe, Curly & Shemp Howard: Each was part of The Three Stooges. Ryan has caused far more than three pitchers to feel like stooges.

Howard Jones: The British pop singer had a top 10 hit with Things Can Only Get Better. Ryan proved the same after his Rookie of the Year campaign.

Howard Cosell: Rose to prominence while covering Muhammad Ali’s fights. Ryan is part of the Phightin’ Phils.

Desmond Howard: Won the Heisman Trophy at Michigan, since no one could contain him in the Big House. Even a REALLY big house can’t contain some of Ryan’s blasts.

Howard Beale: Network character who famously screamed, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Over the years, Phillies fans have routinely said the same thing.

Howard Hesseman: On WKRP in Cincinnati, Hesseman portrayed Dr. Johnny Fever. As a superstar wearing number 6 in Philly, Ryan is like Dr. J.

John Howard: Prime Minister of Australia, the Land Down Under. For months, Ryan’s Phillies have been far down under the Mets in the NL East.

Howard the Duck: A notorious box-office bomb. Ryan unloaded on 23 bombs in winning this summer’s Home Run Derby.

Howard University: A prominent institution in Washington, D.C. Ryan has also had a strong presence in the nation’s capital, belting six home runs in RFK Stadium.

Howard Roark: The central character in Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. In the film version, Roark was played by Gary Cooper, who previously had portrayed Lou Gehrig – another first baseman who did a little hitting.

Terrence Howard: Oscar-nominated for his role in Hustle & Flow. As a Phillies first baseman, Ryan is like Pete Rose, a/k/a Charlie Hustle.

Howard Hughes: A very wealthy man who often shut himself off from the world. After surrendering three homers to Ryan on Sunday, Atlanta Braves pitcher Tim Hudson wanted to be the same.

Leslie Howard: Portrayed Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind – a description of numerous fly balls Ryan will slug out of Wrigley Field.

Howard Rollins: The star of TV’s In the Heat of the Night had the name of two current Phillies. As a stage name, he also considered Utley Lieberthal.

Ken Howard: Star of The White Shadow. Until last year, Ryan was in the shadow of Jim Thome, who is white.

Howard Shore: Won two Academy Awards for best original music score for the Lord of the Rings series. Like Ryan, his scoring could be even better if he composed in Citizens Bank Park.


Ryan Howard is also the name of a character on NBC’s The Office. The show is set in Scranton, Pennsylvania – the same area where the baseball Ryan Howard tore up AAA for the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons. Perhaps the TV character will get called up to Philadelphia soon – as long as inept boss Michael Scott doesn’t get in the way.

Howard To Visit Emergency Room Before Each Phillies Game

Sunday afternoon, the Philadelphia Phillies completed a three-game sweep of the Cincinnati Reds with a 2-1 victory in 12 innings. First baseman Ryan Howard was the hero, despite a stomach virus that had sent him to the emergency room and kept him out of the starting lineup. Howard slammed a pinch-hit home run in the eighth inning and won the game in the 12th by going deep again. Based on this success, Howard plans to continue visiting the emergency room before Phillies games.


Howard apparently contracted food poisoning from something he ate in Cincinnati. The stomach virus sent him to the emergency room, from which he returned to the hotel around 3:45 a.m. With Babe Ruth in the news these days, Howard provided an appropriate tribute: a left-handed slugger, on little sleep and almost too sick to stand, taking two pitches out of the park. The only difference is that after the game, Howard left the ballpark with his teammates, not a couple of hookers.


Ballplayers are known for their superstitions, so Howard will continue to get sick as long as Philadelphia keeps winning. Sunday’s victory was the Phillies’ 13th in their last 14 contests, drawing them to within one game of the first-place New York Mets. The club is off tonight before beginning a three-game series with the Brewers on Tuesday. Howard made sure to prepare as he reached the hotel. He learned the location of the most convenient hospital, as well as the best place in Milwaukee to eat spoiled bratwurst.


Howard’s sacrifice appears to be a trend on his team, as the Phillies have discovered that self-abuse can lead to victory. Last Thursday, centerfielder Aaron Rowand made a catch for the ages, snaring a fly ball at top speed before slamming his face into the wall. The crash left his face battered and bloody like Philly’s ultimate sports hero – Rocky Balboa. As Rowand lay on the ground, observers swear they saw the ghost of Burgess Meredith screaming for him to get up. Rowand had to go on the 15-day DL, but his all-out effort saved three runs in a 2-0 triumph over the Mets. Howard has followed his lead, putting the team ahead of his own well-being. Other Phillies may soon follow suit, emulating the albino monk from The Da Vinci Code and whipping themselves in the clubhouse.


Some baseball fans claim that this voluntary sickness is an extreme and unnecessary step for such a talented player. These observers note that Howard was the National League Rookie of the Year last season and is one of the game’s most promising young sluggers. However, he has often struggled against left-handed pitchers when he has not been ill. Sunday’s blasts were against Brandon Claussen and Chris Hammond – both southpaws. Phillies manager Charlie Manuel remarked, “If he’s healthy, he pops out to the second baseman.”


Howard is surely drawing inspiration from the legendary Michael Jordan. In the 1997 NBA finals, the Utah Jazz won games 3 and 4 to tie the series at two games apiece. Always looking for an extra edge, His Airness decided to contract a stomach virus in preparation for game 5 in Salt Lake City. Barely able to stand at times, Jordan scored 38 points in a 90-88 victory. The Bulls went on to win game 6 in Chicago and repeat as champions. One would think that Karl Malone and John Stockton would have learned their lesson for the following season’s rematch. However, both Jazz superstars refused to become ill, making another defeat inevitable.


After a disappointing April, the Phillies may succeed in winning over their demanding fans. The passionate locals love a guy like Howard, who is playing the way they like it: with fire in the belly.