This Day in History

Tomorrow is May 30, and given my overwhelming sense of anticipation, I’ll take a look back at the history books a day early. According to Wikipedia, all of these events took place on May 30. For some reason, the popular online encyclopedia ignores the sports angle to each of these occurrences. Therefore, for each entry I’ve added an extra sentence to fill in the gaps.


1431: Joan of Arc is burned at the stake. Observers label the LPGA’s steroid penalties as overly harsh.

1536: King Henry VIII of England marries third wife Jane Seymour. Wedding invitations refer to the ceremony as “Hank’s Three-Peat.”

1574: Henry III becomes King of France. Graciously, he allows Rafael Nadal to rule over Paris every June.

1806: Future President Andrew Jackson kills Charles Dickinson in a duel. Jackson then agrees to a boxing match versus Jose Canseco.

1854: The Kansas-Nebraska Act becomes law. The act legalizes lopsided Big XII basketball games.

1879: New York’s Gilmores Garden is renamed Madison Square Garden by William Henry Vanderbilt and is opened to the public. Vanderbilt immediately begins chanting, “Knicks Suck!”

1922: The Lincoln Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C. Due to Prohibition, Anheuser-Busch’s offer to sponsor the Bud Light Lincoln Memorial is denied.

1964: Singer Wynonna Judd is born. Though sister Ashley has not yet been born, the doctor remarks, “Okay, she’s a huge Kentucky fan! Enough already! I GET IT!”

1971: Mariner 9 is launched by NASA toward Mars. NASA is bitter that the Mariner 9 has the worst record in the American League.

1982: Spain becomes the 16th member of NATO. Previously, Spain was part of Conference USA.


Please have a safe and happy May 30!

This Day in History

Today is December 13, 2007, and I think it’s a great day to look back at the history books. According to Wikipedia, all of these events took place on December 13. For some reason, the online encyclopedia ignores the sports angle to each of these occurrences. Therefore, for each entry I’ve added an extra sentence to fill in the gaps.


1294: Saint Celestine V abdicates the papacy after only five months. Celestine immediately takes over as football coach at the University of Arkansas.

1577: Sir Francis Drake sets out from Plymouth, England, on his round-the-world voyage. He hopes his willingness to go on the road will impress the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee.

1769: Dartmouth College is founded by the Reverend Eleazar Wheelock. He remarks, “This will be a home for the true student-athlete, after the term ‘student-athlete’ is invented.”

1862: At the Battle of Fredericksburg, Confederate General Robert E. Lee defeats the Union Major General Ambrose E. Burnside. The victory earns Lee a title shot against Floyd Mayweather.

1941: Hungary and Romania declare war on the United States. With this action, both countries continue their policy of aggression against inferior soccer countries.

1961: Painter Grandma Moses dies at the age of 101. Her eulogy is delivered by high school classmate Vinny Testaverde.

1967: Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx is born. On Foxx's birthday in 2007, Mike Gundy will call him and scream, “You’re a MAN!!! You’re FORTY!!!”

1996: Kofi Annan is elected as Secretary-General of the United Nations. Darren McFadden comes in second.

2000: Al Gore delivers his concession speech, ending his hopes of becoming the 43rd President of the United States. He was certain that Bush’s 2000 victory would be overturned, but then he realized he was thinking of Marion Jones.

2002: The European Union announces that Cyprus, the Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Malta, Poland, Slovakia, and Slovenia will become members on May 1, 2004. The expansion paves the way for the EU to hold a conference championship game.

2003: Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is captured near his hometown of Tikrit. One of his captors remarks, “We can catch anyone – except for Devin Hester.”

2006: The Baiji, or Chinese River Dolphin, is announced as extinct. So at least one Dolphin didn’t have to endure 2007.

This Day in History

While I hope to entertain you with these columns, I also like to impart some knowledge in the process. So today, March 22, 2007, seems like a good time for a history lesson. According to Wikipedia, all of these events took place on March 22. For some reason, the popular online encyclopedia ignores the sports angle to each of these events. Therefore, for each entry I’ve added an extra sentence to fill in the gaps.


1630: Massachusetts Bay Colony outlaws the possession of cards, dice, and gaming tables. The last straw: a casino fight instigated by Joey Porter.

1765: British Parliament passes the Stamp Act, levying a tax on the American colonies. Proceeds are to finance a domed stadium in Williamsburg.

1832: German literary giant Johann Wolfgang von Goethe dies. His last words are “Nowitzki for MVP.”

1895: Auguste and Louis Lumiere hold the first private screening of motion pictures. The featured attraction is Rocky IV.

1923: Famous mime Marcel Marceau is born in France. He goes on to host the world’s least successful sports talk radio show.

1933: FDR signs into law a bill legalizing the sale of beer and wine. Finally, Babe Ruth gets to partake.

1941: The Grand Coulee Dam begins to generate electricity in Washington. In 1989, Ken Griffey, Jr. does likewise.

1945: The Arab League is founded in Cairo. It immediately becomes the first league to adopt the designated hitter.

1960: Arthur Leonard Schawlow & Charles Townes receive the first patent for a laser. They explain, “You know how they say that Johnny Unitas has a laser arm? Well, we made this device that’s like his arm.”

1978: Karl Wallenda of the Flying Wallendas dies after falling off a tight-rope in San Juan. It’s the worst fall of the year that doesn’t involve the Red Sox.

1993: The Intel Corporation ships the first Pentium chips. Sadly, by making computers even easier to use, it helps lead to the BCS.

1995: Cosmonaut Valeri Polyakov returns after setting a record of 438 days in space. His last words before departing earth were “Don’t play the World Series while I’m gone!”

1997: The comet Hale-Bopp has its nearest approach to earth. At this point, it’s far closer to earth than Dennis Rodman.