Monday, December 19, 2005

Lions Locate Millen Supporter

Success has been elusive for the Detroit Lions in recent years.  However, today the organization can feel a strong sense of accomplishment.  After a long, exhausting search, the Lions have managed to find a Matt Millen supporter.


To respect his safety, the name of the individual has not been released.  The organization has been working with private investigators in recent weeks to locate any Lions fans that still approve of Millen, the embattled team president.  One member of the search effort noted the difficulty of the task, remarking, “Bin Laden would have been easier to find.”  However, unlike the past five games on the field, this endeavor resulted in success.


Millen won four Super Bowl rings as a linebacker with the Raiders, 49ers, and Redskins.  After his playing days ended, he showed his sharp football mind as a respected NFL broadcaster.  However, he had no front office experience before Detroit owner William Clay Ford appointed him to be the team president in 2001.  Coming off 8–8 and 9–7 records the previous two seasons, the Lions were stagnating as an average team.  Under Millen’s watch, mediocrity has not been a problem – it’s been an unreachable dream.  Detroit is 20–58 over that period.


As the losses have mounted, calls for Millen’s head have grown louder.  “Fire Millen” chants have been heard not only at Lions games, but at sporting events involving the Red Wings, Pistons, University of Michigan, and Michigan State.  A website has appeared, because the existence of,,, and were clearly not enough.  Unconfirmed reports claim that Millen’s wife Patricia showed up to a recent Lions game holding a “Fire My Husband” sign.


Fans’ disgust culminated in yesterday’s protests surrounding the team’s home finale versus Cincinnati.  A sports talk radio station organized the Angry Fan March before the game.  The event drew approximately 1000 participants – one for every interception in Joey Harrington’s career.  As part of the protests, many of the marchers wore orange in reference to the visiting Bengals.  This decision shows how different this year has been for Bengal supporters – other fans actually want to emulate them.  The on-field action went as expected, with Cincinnati rolling 41–17 to clinch the AFC North title.  Chad Johnson provided the only disappointment for Lions fans.  After his touchdown reception, Detroit fans hoped to see the Bengal star unveil an elaborate “Firing Matt Millen” routine.  However, Johnson simply handed the ball to the stunned official.


Despite this hostile climate, Millen still has one supporter.  Reportedly, the fan is excited for February’s Super Bowl XL at Detroit’s Ford Field.  An avid soccer follower, he knows that the host receives an automatic berth in the World Cup, and he assumes that the Super Bowl works the same way.  The Lions plan to delay telling him the truth, hoping to maintain his approval of Millen as long as possible.


The organization is hopeful that it can locate more Millen supporters.  Certainly they will find others who want him to keep his job.  All they have to do is look in Chicago, Green Bay, and Minneapolis.